-Somewhere-

In what was unmistakably the master bedroom of a rather nicely put together log cabin, there was a stirring. The bedroom itself looked.... rather INCREDIBLY worse for wear. The bed was unmade, various... things, littered the floor, and used clothes and In N' Out Burger wrappers were everywhere. On the bed, what shelves there were, and especially the desk, there were In N' Out Burger wrappers everywhere. Whoever lived her must have really loved In N' Out Burger, much like anyone with half a brain cell.

Suddenly, from somewhere within the room, an incredibly loud beeping noise went off. Exactly where in the room this loud beeping noise was coming was unknown. However, underneath the pile of In N' Out Burger bags on the nightstand next to the bed, some kind of blue light was flashing through the bag. Exactly what kind of alarm clock it was that it could screech that loudly under all that stuff stacked on the nightstand was something of a miracle in of itself, but the fact that the fact that all the stuff stacked on top of it kept shaking every time it screeched had to make one wander just how loud actually was.

Still, no matter how loudly the alarm from the buried clock screeched, nothing other than the pile of stuff on top of it moved. Eventually, after five straight minutes of it screeching, it suddenly exploded, and the only thing that let anyone know that it was even there in the first place were the bits of smoke that started seeping through the pile of clothes and In N' Out Burger bags on top of it, one of which actually caught fire for a little bit, but then quickly went out after a few seconds.

Immediately after that happened, underneath another pile of clothes that reached all the way up to the ceiling, a brown doggie paw suddenly reached out and started feeling around for something. It felt left, right, and even on top of the pile of clothes, but it just couldn't find what it was looking for. It then felt around slightly farther than it had before and found what it was looking for, a pair of sunglasses.

The doggie paw didn't even waste an instant as it picked up the sunglasses, which was kind of amazing given the fact that it didn't have any opposable thumbs, and pulled them into the ginormous pile of clothing. After a few minutes of rustling, the ginormous pile of clothes suddenly collapsed and fell ALL OVER THE GOD DAMNED FLOOR as the owner of the doggie paw that reached for said sunglasses stood up, revealing itself to be a brown Pit Bull/Shar Pei mix wearing sunglasses.

The brown dog let out a rather loud, rather horrifying sounding yawn as he stood up from his impromptu bed. After the sound that could only have been made from a beast from the deepest pits of the unthinkable ended, he shook his head a bit, as dogs were want to do, followed by the rest of his body all the way down to his tail. Miraculously, the sunglasses stayed on his face the whole time.

After that, he walked over the clothes and other things that were on the floor over towards the only desk in the room, his desk, and turned on his laptop. Immediately after pushing the button, the screen turned on and it made that ding noise it always did.

"Gah this is TAKING TOO LONG!" the brown dog impatiently shouted as he slammed his paw on the desk, which made the computer instantly boot up at a speed that processors could only dream of. "There we go." With that, the brown dog logged on to Fimfiction.net and decided to check in on the progress of the story. That being, the story you are reading right now. So effectively, he is checking in on himself in a way.

-And now for the quickest recap ever from your favorite author, Razortheawesome-

Risen Flagg came to Ponyville, Jason Morgan, that being you the readers, met him at a party that Pinkie Pie threw for you, then the next day, Risen Flagg held and impromptu trial for Derpy Hooves, shot her in the head with a 9mm pistol, then there was a riot, everyone and everypony fight in it, and it ended with Jason getting knocked out by Risen Flagg's butler Joseph Curwen. And that's pretty much it.

Also in the side story BRP and Bronze Statue fought the insane Swimming Dalek and got the Dalek Flagship reactivated, but BRP was gravely injured during the fight and was taken to the med bay on The Enterprise when they beamed him and Bronze Statue back. Also Gordon Freebrony and the away team were involved in the riot mentioned in the last paragraph and were also beamed back up to the ship while everypony was distracted. Also Gordon Freebrony was knocked out in the riot. Oh, and the only two female hackers, Slim and Jim, turned out to be lesbians. So yeah, there is that.

-And now back to the brown dog-

"Huh," the brown dog said to no one in particular as he read about Derpy being shot. In all honesty, he somehow knew that would happen ever since Queen Chrysalis, disguised as Derpy, detonated a nuclear warhead in a testing facility many, many, MANY chapters back (Yeah, remember, that happened too). However, while most were upset at the death of their favorite background pony, the brown dog didn't feel that way, at least not as much as the rest of them. For where they saw sadness, he saw purpose. "Didn’t expect him to do that so soon, but I f***ing called it...well, it seems my job just became priority numero uno." At that, the brown dog touched the side of his sunglasses with his paw. "Cortana! Wake up! Revenge is at hand!"

At that, the spitting image of the artificial intelligence Cortana suddenly appeared on the HUD display that also suddenly appeared in his glasses. She didn't seem all that pleased to see him.

"I don’t sleep, Brown Dog, you know that," she said to him as if she had just woken up and didn't want to be there.

"I know, I just like messing with you," The brown dog said with a rather sinister, yet silly smile. Cortana could only sigh in response.

"I suppose this is about what happened in that stupid pony fan fiction you’ve been reading and on occasion traveling into?" Cortana said to him.

"You’re damn right it is!" The brown dog shouted back at her. "A classic example of a shock and awe death has occurred, and now it is my sworn duty to troll those responsible! And don’t let Razor hear you call the story stupid, the truth would make him cry.

"Sworn Duty....." Cortana said to the brown dog after a rather lengthy pause. "Really?"

"OF COURSE! RazortheAwesome himself gave me permission to go nuts on everyone and everything as I saw fit!" The brown dog said with authority.

"Well he didn't use those words exactly," The brown dog said with a shrug. "But he did strongly imply it, and by strongly I mean very."

"I was there last night too you know," Cortana retorted to him. "And I saw that whole conversation. I don’t know how sincere he was. He was pretty f***ed up just like you were. Also, it wasn’t really smart admitting to your arson crimes."

"Hey I said I was sorry, so everything’s alright. But enough about good days gone by, now is the time to act!" The brown dog said as he closed down Fimfiction and started pulling up more important things.

"I thought you didn’t care about stuff like this?" Cortana had to ask him as she unwillingly helped him pull up all of the important things he needed right now.

"I don’t, in the long run it was just a Derpy that died, one of many and not even the true one. Just a plot point in this story." The brown dog said.

"Then why are you angry?" Cortana had to ask him, though given her past experiences with the brown dog, she wasn't at all expecting a straight answer.

"I’m not angry, I’m just passionate! Besides it’s the principle of the matter I suppose. So now we must lock on the enemy." the brown dog said as he pulled up google maps.

"And I don’t suppose your means of attack would include say… leading an elite team of strike commandos armed to the teeth on a raid of the enemy, or some kind of tactical nuclear strike?" Cortana asked as she already started running through all the possible ways that this could go down, which she ultimately knew would be useless anyway since it was the brown dog she was talking to, but old habits die hard really.

"No, of course not, that’s too sensible. The art of trolling is much more sporadic and random. Why go for the obvious life decisions when you can f*** with someone’s head for the lol’s? Quit being stupid with your credible options Cortana." The brown dog said with another weird smile, which caused Cortana to sigh at the now useless processor power she just used.

"First, we find the target. Second, we go from there. Third, there is no third. Fourth, profit." the brown dog said.

"Right..." Cortana said as she felt herself get an aneurysm. Which was impressive considering she was an AI. "So who’s the target? Risen Flagg and the Plush?

"Nah, at least not right now. Can’t interfere with the main story too much, but I’ll get to them eventually. No, first we go straight to the top."

"Attacking the Big Boss this early? You sure?" Cortana said, now sounding kind of worried.

"What!? No. Oh gods no. Whatever gave you that idea?" The brown dog replied with a completely straight face. Cortana just pretended that he didn't say that.

"Okay.... Sp how exactly are we going to find this cautious, sneaky, and lets not forget, incredibly dangerous individual?"

"My “Database” duh…" the brown dog replied while emphasizing the quotation marks.

"That’s not really an accurate term for it," Cortana said while rolling her eyes.

"Okay then…" Cortana said while flickering a bit due to her aneurysm from earlier. "From what you and Razor have said about him, this guy... Daedaltheus the fourteenth, is some sort of all powerful god like you and Razor. With that in mind it may take some time to find him. Given his abilities, it's entirely possible he can make himself invisible to you just with a thought, it might be impossible to find him."

(Warning: The following scene may not actually be taking place. It's entirely possible that the words you are about to read are not actually on the page but are just the product of your imagination.)

-Meanwhile, in a bunker fifteen miles beneath the surface of the earth in another, unknown universe-

“Daedaltheus,” Roseluck began, “If we are going to lunch then how come when we stepped through the portal we entered the Bunker?”

“You see, Roseluck,” he replied, “I have to deposit something into The Vault.” he finished, pulling out a pocket watch, similar to his own but its engraving appeared markedly different, as through the inscription on the face were in some other language entirely.

“Oh, wait, what vault?” Roseluck asked as the two approached a door located at the back of same dark room she repeatedly saw on her many visits to the Bunker, whether they were delivering his mail or merely telling him to take better care of his roses. The door set into to the black concrete walls of the room and was clearly marked ‘closet’ in white letters, while a single red light shined above the door but this time, the red light flashed green, blinking at first until it finally became a steady shining emerald color. Daedaltheus turned the doorknob and enter into what appeared to be a long corridor leading towards a brightly illuminated space at the very end of it. After a minute, the two emerged on a tram platform where a single tram car with four seats waited for the pair on a large monorail track disappearing into the sodium bulb lit tunnel.

“Again, what?” Roseluck stammered as she entered the car, the hydraulic controlled doors sliding shut behind her and no sooner did she take a seat did the tramcar move forward into the darkness. The car accelerated ever steadily until a single monotone female voice came over the loud speak mounted above the automated control box.

“Estimated time of arrival to the Dome, approximately five minutes,” the voice stated before a quick jolt of static signaled the termination of the announcement.

“Roseluck, I have to be completely honest with you when I state that I have not been completely honest with you about everything that happens within the Bunker, let alone my involvement with the organization called R.E.D.,” he began as Roseluck paid full attention, only occasionally looking out the window as the yellow specks of light whizzed by at nearly blinding speeds. “The Bunker is actually more or less, the Bunker Complex, an interconnected series of facilities and rooms all located underneath the desert."

“Approximately twelve miles at this point, though the actual Dome itself is about eleven and one-half miles under the ground,” he added before withdrawing a cigar and lighting it. “You see, R.E.D. is a vast inter-dimensional organization and I am but one of many directors of substations located across their vast inter-dimensional network. This is officially Division 42 Headquarters, also known as The Vault where the various members of our organization deposit the artifacts they come across.”

“Sort of, but the artifacts range from being priceless paintings and jewelry to actual weapons or surviving remnants of history.”

“So that’s why you have a fragment of the KT Boundary asteroid framed on your wall.”

“In many ways, yes,” he stated as the tram slowed down and after several more seconds came to a complete stop at a much more elaborate station than the one the pair departed from, for this station possessed locations for various trams of varying sizes and possessed elaborate iron work the embellished the lamp fixtures. The pair walked towards a large circular door where upon two bipedal robots with 55 caliber anti-tank rifle guns mounted to the arms approached those, walking with a loud thudding sound.

“Please show you ID, you have twenty seconds to comply,” the two stated prompting Daedaltheus to withdraw a single ID card and explaining in a simple motion that the pony was with him. The two robots moved aside and let the pair through the door where a golf cart like vehicle waited for them, a longhaired driver sat behind the wheel wearing a blue suit.

“Ah, guten morgen, commandant,” she said with a rather sharp toothed smile and a pair of simple wire frame glasses above it on her sharp nose. “Und who ist this with you, commandant?” she asked, pointing to Roseluck as the vehicle pulled away.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Roseluck rather bitterly said as the three sped off down the rather expansive and overly tall corridor.

“Roseluck, this is Agent Rip Van Winkle, a special member of the R.E.D. Division 42 and is a part of a very special squad within this division.”

“Yah,” Rip Van Winkle stated passing by several workers carrying blowtorches and other welding equipment.

“And when were you going to...” she drifted off as the vehicle passed a rather large humanoid looking mecha with a yellow visor and a light blue armor with a single rotary fan located at its heart. “Is...is that Gypsy Danger?”

“Yes, or rather a version of Gypsy Danger,” Daedaltheus said. “I’ve made many improvements to the overall design and weapons load out over the past several years.” He continued as they passed by another mecha and then another, and yet another all lined up being worked on. “You see, we have several, though many have their pilots,” he added, “Like that one, the Big O is piloted by Roger Smith, a freelance negotiator for R.E.D. That one is called EVA Unit 2, and is piloted by one of our younger members, Miss Asuka Souryo Langley, and a few minor ones that have been acquired for basic use. That one is Wing Zero, and belongs to Razor, who let’s us keep a hold of it and pays a rather nice sum for her upkeep and maintenance.”

“No, he is the only one that can, and besides, I would kill myself than pilot Wing Zero.”

"Oh christ no," Daedaltheus responded as the vehicle passed by another mecha, this one possessing a large pair of angular sunglasses on its chest over a large metal grin and oddly enough, a head that looked like that of a samurai. However, Roseluck noticed that it was missing its right arm and possessed several dozen fractures and bizarre orange colored streaks about it that seemed to drift and fade into reds as Daedaltheus passed by. She saw additionally, that carved into its left leg was an inscription into the metal reading Never Forgive, Never Forget.

The vehicle came to a stop at another circular door, over which there hung a large sign reading Enter the Righteous Such that No Sword May be Spared to Punish the Indignant. The doors opened to reveal a large, spherical room lined with dozens of descending levels with hundreds of monitors and staff, furiously typing away and filling out reports, while others monitored the multiverse. Displayed on the spherical central monitor were the side story characters of Wake Up. See This. What Do? and their precise location and movements, as well as video and audio recordings.

“Welcome to the Dome,” Daedaltheus said walking down a set of stairs as the star struck Roseluck followed closely behind, watching every glowing monitor and human and non-human workers rush by. All at once a cream yellow pegasus with a turquoise mane and tail with three water droplets for a Cutie Mark descended next to Daedaltheus and trotted alongside him.

“Oh thank the Elder Gods you made it, there’s been a real shit show developing,” she stated as a curious Roseluck caught only to see that she recognized the pony.

“Raindrops!” Roseluck shouted, causing the pony to turn her head in curiosity.

“This is a different Raindrops from a different Equestria in another universe,” Daedaltheus explained as he reached the bottom of the stairs, entering a hallway before entering at last the elevator to the vault.

“It’s fine,” Raindrops replied, “but things are going awry everywhere, the Ice King is furious over his impending trial...”

“And then there’s this whole thing involving the Kaiju breeding program in universe three billion and six...”

“Again, not an issue,” Daedaltheus replied as the elevator continued to descend.

“Things like that happen all of the time,” Daedaltheus stated coldly, as he stepped from the elevator towards a large Vault door.

“Yes, but this one stated that he came seeking political asylum fleeing from the Terran Empire,” Raindrops finished. Daedaltheus stopped in his tracks and turned to look Raindrops in the eyes.

“He’s a survivor from the Great War...” Daedaltheus breathed through his teeth. “Yes.... “His name, rank and intent.”

“GIVE THEM TO ME!” Daedaltheus shrieked, the walls of the surrounding area shaking and some dust falling from the ceiling.

“He’s the Minister of Defense,” Raindrops reported, “and says that he served under Rassilon directly.”

“Bring him down and leave us,” Daedaltheus said and with that, Raindrops ran off to the elevator and went back up to the Dome. “Sorry about that,” Daedaltheus said to Roseluck, “a little business as usual around here, you know.” Roseluck cocked her head and decided that at this moment, it was best not to ask questions nor expect any feasible answers. “Right, now about this watch,” he said, walking to the Vault door and entering several numbers into the key pad, which opened to reveal a second door with a camera mounted into it.

“Good morning, Daedaltheus,” a female voice said after which a hologram of an older woman with pale skin wearing a white suit and a red ascot appeared, her dark hair appearing slightly grey.

“Oh, hello,” the hologram waved before resuming looking at Daedaltheus, “another treasure for deposit.”

“Yes,” he replied, holding aloft the watch, “just this one for today.” The hologram disappeared and the door swung open to reveal shelf upon shelf and row upon row of numbered and labeled artifacts.

“Holy s***,” Roseluck breathed stepping through the door behind Daedaltheus.

“Each artifact has been collected and categorized by Division 42 while under my direction,” he said, walking past a wooden box that Roseluck seemed to be drawn to. He walked over to it and opened the lid, revealing six jewels each a different color placed neatly inside of black felt. “Items 2-7, the Infinity Stones,” and reaching for another box and withdrawing a golden gauntlet from within it, “and item 8, the Infinity Gauntlet with Thanos’s severed hand at number 9,” he finished putting the items back. “Rather nasty fellow, Thanos wiped out the entire galaxy and damn near killed all of the Avengers, but he wasn’t expecting someone to lop it off and jump worlds,” he smiled picking up the pace. After a few minutes, he reached a desk with tags and a few cleaning instruments. He wrapped the watch up and placed it in a plexglass case with the tag number 652 and the words Fob Watch beneath it. He then grabbed a rag from the desk and began to polish something on his hand, something that Roseluck never paid much attention to before: his white metal ring. After a few minutes, he turned to her and smiled, “ready for breakfast?” At which point the two departed.

Upon reaching the Dome, Daedaltheus noticed a commotion and at the center of it, a man wearing Time Lord robes and the official uniform of the court of Rassilon. He stood there arguing with a rather pissed off Haruhara Haruko and an equally perturbed Raindrops who at the moment carried Daedaltheus’ coffee on her right wing. Roseluck looked up at Daedaltheus who seethed with hatred as though something about the man in the alien clothing disturbed Daedaltheus, almost down to his very core, but she could not figure out what. She remembered something he said once, something about not trusting time travelers, especially those that travel in tiny boxes, and something more about some kind of Great War of Imperials and Lords.

“Minister of Defense, Tavus,” Daedaltheus stated walking towards the Time Lord.

“Oh thank you, someone who actually...” he turned to face Daedaltheus when all of the color left his face. “Oh God, not you, not the...” he stopped the moment Daedaltheus shoved his hands through his chest and pulled out both of his hearts and watched the Time Lord bleed out on the floor of the Dome.

“Good to see that you at least remembered the Great Nightmare when you see him,” Daedaltheus seethed, squeezing the hearts in his hands until the two organs became paste. “So how about breakfast, Roseluck?” he smiled turning to her both hands caked in blood.

'Yep, it’s gonna be one of those days,' Roseluck thought to herself as they finally, following a thorough hand scrubbing, exited through a red door frame.

(End of any scenes that may not actually be happening. Everything that happens from here on out is actually happening. You have my assurance that it is. Trust me, I am still the author of this story at the end of the day. - RazortheAwesome)

-Somewhere-

Suddenly, from the brown dog's computer, the google maps page that he had up started beeping like mad as it zoomed in on a rather specific location which seemed to go.... through the earth. Actually, that wasn't accurate, it seemed to cycle through several different earths before it found what it was looking for. All the while, a telephone like beeping kept emanating from the brown dog's sunglasses.

"You were saying?" the brown dog said to Cortana with the same silly dog like smirk he gave her before. Again, Cortana could only sigh and roll her eyes at that.

"Patching you through," she said as she connected the incomming call to the brown dog's sunglasses, which also were a fully functioning smartphone.... that hooked up to facebook and twitter too.

"Talk to me you abomination of nature," the brown dog said to the abomination of nature on the other end of the line.

"They…are…heading…to…a…diner…" the abominable voice said into the browndog's sunglasses, which somehow only he could hear, just like a real phone.

"Damn you guys talk slow. I diner you say?" the brown dog said as a rather deviously evil smile crept across his face.

-Meanwhile, at the Crossroads Café and Sandwich Delicatessen,

For those of you in the audience not in the know, the Crossroads Café sits on the literal crossroads of literally every fictional universe in existence as well as those have yet to exist, and it just so happens to sell the best damned sandwiches in existence. The coffee is nonpareil and you can get your sandwich free any day of the week, however, there exists one tiny catch in order to receive your sandwich, chips and drink for free.

This is a brief tale of one of those times wherein your beloved author, RazortheAwesome, and your sworn enemy, and according to some of you, evil wizard, or Satan, DaedaltheusXIV, happened to meet at the Crossroads Café.

Razor sat in a booth waiting for company to arrive, while Pinkie Pie danced around the jukebox, waiting to pick the next song to play, much to the discouragement of Razor. Razor wore his traditional anarchy shirt and stared blankly out the window into the parking lot, wondering just why in the name of every god he knew why he was friends with who was in his eyes, the absolute WORST pony in existence. Or at least the most annoying one. Maybe it was because she was the only character who was aware of his existence since he started writing this story, that being the story YOU are reading right now, but that couldn't be it. He'd met many characters that could break the fourth wall and have conversations with the author, hell, he'd even met Deadpool once or twice, but even he wasn't nearly as annoying as the pink pony that was shaking her rump over by the jukebox even though it wasn't her turn yet. At least with Deadpool when he annoyed him too much he could rip his tongue out and be out of there before he even had to time to grow it back, but Pinkie here was different. He couldn't kill her because doing so would implode the fabric of the story since she was necessary for it and he couldn't get rid of her because for some reason she was always able to follow him and talk to him even when he didn't want her to.

Back with Pinkie however, after that last song ended, her turn to pick the next song finally came and the pink mare put her two bits into the machine and selected a single song from within the jukebox’s infinite library of songs to choose from. It was of course, able to take her bits since because this unique café sat on the crossroads of every universe, it of course took every kind of currency. Provided it was enough of course.

Razor turned back to look at the jukebox, and by extension the pink party pony as the words to that song hit his ears. Said party pony began to shake her rump in the air and start to walk that familiar way, the same way he made the others dance in that chapter long ago.

As Pinkie Pie walked the dinosaur back to their table, Razor rested his converse shoed feet on the chair across him, waiting ever so patiently for company to arrive as he solemnly glanced occasionally at the assortment of vehicles park in dusty wasteland that was the Crossroads parking lot. Well, not so much an actual parking lot with lines and asphalt, but more a dusty endless field leading off into the horizon wherein one could see different parties arriving and departing. He glanced over at the police box, blue, as a British gentleman in a bowtie stepped out, leading a young man and woman towards the entrance of the café, while a chariot led by flaming horses landed next to it, and an Oldes Delta 88 pulled up, the driver stepping out wearing a blue shirt, jeans and a chainsaw grafted onto his right hand.

"Ah cheer up Razor Bazer," Pinkie Pie said as she danced into the seat right next to him and scooted up so close that she bumped her rump against his. "What's got you so downy wowney?"

"I REALLY wish you wouldn't call me that in public," Razor said as he pulled his eyes away from the window to look at her.

"Ah why not?" Pinkie Pie asked in the same bubblegummy manner she asked anything. "It's fun, and it rhymes. Like so many other fun things that rhyme. Fun, bun, pun, hippity, hoppity, downey, wowney, hurry, wurry," Razor could only roll his eyes as Pinkie Pie went on with her making up of words. "I'm not really that good at rhyming though, maybe I should talk to Zecora more often. Ah but thats not important right now. What's got you so gloomy woomy?" Razor could only sigh at that.

"Nothing really," he said. "It's just..." he paused for a moment to look down at the pink pony next to him, who was still shaking her rum in the seat despite sitting down. "It's just that it's been a little over a month since I've updated this story and well... Life's hit me with a run of bad luck recently, but its not something you need to worry about. It has nothing to do with you. Besides, it's done now. Everything should be back to normal.

"Over a month?" Pinkie said, confused, but not enough to stop shaking her rump to the dinosaur. "I thought you said you were gonna post the next chapter on Wednesday? I mean, you said it was too long cause so many people were giving you suggestions that you were gonna split it into two parts, right?" Razor couldn't help but laugh at that.

"Yes, Pinkie, yes I did say that," he said as he rubbed her head, which with her mane was kind of challenging. "But that was all the way back in chapter 52. I doubt if you've noticed, but this right here. This is chapter 71." At that, Pinkie's eyes EXPLODED!

"AHA!" Razor shouted as he pointed at her. "So there are things you don't know about the fourth wall!" That didn't stop Pinkie's eyes from being unexploded though. "But yeah, don't worry. when you get back I'll send you back to chapter 53 where you belong. Don't worry, it's not a big deal for me."

"Space is warped and time is bendable, remember." Razor said to her. "I'm an author, Pinkie. I don't exist in this story like you do. To me, while time can't be broken, it can be bent." That did nothing to state Pinkie's confusion.

"Oki doki loki," Pinkie Pie said as she resumed shaking her rump in her seat. She didn't see it though, but the moment those words left her mouth, some weirdly dressed person in a goat like helmet looked over at them. Razor just shot a threatening look back at him, which made him back off. Thankfully, Pinkie didn't notice that. "So when can we order our food?" Pinkie asked. "I don't know about you but I'm starving."

"You're always starving Pinkie Pie," Razor said as he resumed looking back out the window.

"No I'm not," Pinkie Pie replied. "I mean sure I work in a bakery and eat pastries all the time and sure I can eat a whole cake in one bite and sure I have a tongue that would make even frogs and chameleons jealous, but I still get full, and right now I'm not full."

"If you say so," Razor replied. "And we're not ordering right now cause we're waiting for someone."

"Waiting for someone?" Pinkie asked, curious, though now it was a different kind of curious from before. "I thought it was just going to be the two of us."

"It was," Razor said. "But then something came up, so one of my...." Razor paused for a moment as he tried to think of the right word to use. "Acquaintances... is going to meet us here."

"Oh is that it?" Pinkie Pie replied chipperly. "Why didn't you say so before. You know me, I love meeting new ponies. Or people... or I guess authors in this case. Or anything really, I'd love to meet one of your friends Razor Bazer."

"Right, sure you would," Razor said in a monotone voice as he turned his attention back outside the window. "You'd absolutely love to meet him."

"Yay!" Pinkie Pie said as she threw her hooves up in the air for no adequately explained reason.

Razor kept looking off into the distance, spying a myriad of other vehicles, including a starship, a Delorean, a red doorframe, and a....

Wait a minute, he recognized that red doorframe from before, and watched as its interior filled with a black void and two shapes stepped forth, one human, and the other clearly equine in nature. He smiled warmly, the company he was hoping for finally arrived, as Pinkie Pie set the salt shaker, pepper, three hot sauce bottles, and a paper napkin holder on her forehead, trying to balance the lot. Where she got all of these things Razor couldn't fathom.... well he could, but he didn't want to.

“Look what I can do, Razor,” she said at the top of her lungs, but Razor was more preoccupied with the conservation happening right behind him.

"I've always wondered," another rather rustic looking gentlemen who sat with the two of them said to the musician. "What's the devil look like?" The moment those words left his mouth, the door to the café suddenly opened, and the jukebox, as though by some unknown hand, changed songs.

Razor looked up from the table to see a human walking through the door, wearing a white dress shirt, black silk vest, black tie with red cross, dress slacks and dress shoes, and all he could do is shake his head and roll his eyes.

All at once, before the chorus began to sing out of the speakers, the song shifted back to what was playing before, as soon as a rose maned pony walked through the door.

“Really, Daedaltheus, must we do that?” Roseluck asked, looking up at the human.

“Goddammit, Roseluck!” Daedaltheus shouted, drawing the attention of the patrons of the café before smiling coyly and taking a seat across from Razor and the now sitting still Pinkie Pie, whose mouth was below the table at this point.

Upon sitting across from the duo, Razor looked up at Roseluck, who merely beamed a warm and loving smile to the otherwise dour expression on his face.

"HIM!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed the moment she saw them sit down. "HE IS YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!"

"Well that's a rather mediocre way of putting it," Daedaltheus said as he focussed his eyes on her.

"I thought he was your sworn enemy!" Pinkie Pie shouted at Razor as she turned to face him.

"When did I ever say that!?" Razor said as he looked back at Pinkie Pie with a kind of confused look on his face.

"But I. He. You. It. They. Them. He. Evil. What. I." Pinkie Pie went on as she kept making gestures between herself, Razor, and Daedaltheus while Roseluck just watched confused.

“How is it that you got a pony whose actually normal and I didn’t?” Razor asked, at which point Pinkie sat still and groaned a bit.

-Not that long ago but long enough so that it was before this story-

Wanted – Assistant

Needs to have gardening skills, not afraid of new tasks on a regular basis

Willingness to be trained to handle military grade firearms

Can take notes quickly

Not Afraid of Inter-Dimensional Travel

Can work Nights

Willingness to be trained to be the equivalent to an Israeli Special Forces Commando

Will Pay Cash

-And back to the present-

“Well, he’s a really nice guy,” Roseluck sighed, “all things considered.” Somewhere in the distance of the café, Master Roshi laughed.

Before the company could speak, a blonde waitress appeared at their table wearing a tube top, and what could only described as an impossibly short skirt.

“Howdy everyone,” she beamed. “My name is Holly Wood and I will be your server,” she stated, drawing a few smiles from the table to her.

“I will have the pastrami, bacon and ham on rye with provolone, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, and spicy mustard with barbecue sauce,” Razor stated, to which Holly took down every detail.

"A coke will do just fine," Razor replied before the server then turned to Pinkie.

“I’ll have the daisy and field greens sandwich with a bubblegum berry very cherry extra sugary lemony lemonade,” Pinkie Pie said to her as a smile spontaneously appeared back on her face.

“I’ll have the Reuben on marbled rye with a Crown Lager,” Daedaltheus stated.

"You don't want that," Daedaltheus said to her before anyone could say or do anything else.

"What, why not?" Roseluck asked, a bit confused, but Daedaltheus didn't answer her and instead turned his attention back to Holly.

"Ms., could you please explain to my friend what exactly is on the house special?" Daedaltheus asked her.

"Sure," Holly said, if a little confused herself. "Freshly made scrambled eggs with some cheese melted into them with bits of ham and-" Before she could even finish that sentence, Roseluck abruptly cut her off with a nervous chuckle.

"Do you..." she asked a bit nervously. "Do you have any vegetarian breakfast sandwiches per chance?" She finished that question with another nervous smile.

"Sure," Holly said as she wrote down Roseluck's revised order, knowing that it was not her place to question any of what just transpired. "And to drink."

"What, oh, strawberry lemonade," Roseluck said as Holly wrote it down. With that done, the menus were collected and Holly rushed off to the kitchen where a rather tall chef named Jotaro worked, always trying to perfect his fajita recipe.

“So, what’s new with you?” asked Daedaltheus, leaning on the table while Roseluck simply
admired the scenery of the café.

“Oh, you know, just taking it easy for a bit,” Razor replied, trying not to let the fact that Pinkie Pie was drinking hot sauce, which she snatched from the table next to them, upside down and backwards. It kind of weird him out a bit.

Daedaltheus' Note: Don’t ask me how this is possible, I’m just the writer, she’s... well she’s Pinkie Pie and the less I understand why the better I sleep.

“So, I noticed that you added a new character into the story,” Razor said, rather coldly.

"Wait, what new character?" Pinkie Pie interjected before Daedaltheus could respond. "I haven't seen any new characters. I mean, if I had seen any new characters, which I'm assuming you mean new ponies, I would have thrown a Welcome to Ponyville Party for them but I haven't thrown any Welcome to Ponyville parties since Jason got here, I mean I'm planning one tonight but thats for those four ponies Zecora introduced me too. Wait, are those the characters your talking about?"

Both Daedaltheus and Roseluck just stared at Pinkie Pie as she kept talking like that. Daedaltheus didn't show any change in expression whatsoever, but Roseluck, she looked as if she was incredibly confused, almost as if Pinkie said something that she knew she should have known. With no one else responding, Razor just sighed incredibly loudly and answered for her.

"Sorry," Razor said for Pinkie. "She's from chapter 52, so she hasn't actually met him yet."

"Chapter 52?" Roseluck said, now even more confused. "Daedaltheus, what chapter is that?"

"The one where Jason was trying out his new powers," Daedaltheus replied as calmly as ever.

"From your perspective Pinkie here is from yesterday afternoon," Razor answered before Daedaltheus could. At that, Pinkie Pie's ears shot up like doggie ears.

"Wait!" She practically shouted. "Does that mean that they're from the future!?"

"Well she is from the future," Razor answered, pointing to Roseluck. "Daedaltheus and I exist outside of your story's timeline so we're aware of anything and everything thats happening regardless of when we choose to physically interact with it." At that Pinkie opened her mouth to speak again, but Razor stopped her before she could say anything else. "And before you even ask, no she can't tell you what's going to happen and no she won't tell you how your party was. Trust me, even if Daedaltheus and I let her tell you, she doesn't know anything relevant to you anyway." Roseluck... wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.

"Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oooooooooookay," Pinkie Pie said as she spun her head around as if to signal that the metaphorical gears in her head were finally turning. "I think I get it now, but more importantly. WHY AREN'T YOU STABBING HIM!?"

"Anyway!" Razor said, ignoring Pinkie and turning his attention back to Daedaltheus. "You created a new character without me knowing."

“What about it?” Daedaltheus replied, as though he truly and most thoroughly gave little to zero f***s about Razor’s feelings on the matter.

“Why on Earth or in this case, Equestria, would you have the need,” Razor continued, “to create a minor background pony to briefly appear here and there in the grander scheme of the story who bears an uncanny resemblance to your other pony OC?”

“The answer is quite simple,” Daedaltheus replied, “he is my surrogate body to interact with your story in a way that prevents you from detecting my appearance in the story itself.”

“Except now I know about him,” Razor said. "Which means that even when you inhabit his body I'll still be able to detect you."

“Wait, wait, wait,” Pinkie Pie stated when she finally found the will to actually speak again, “So you mean to say that rather than turning yourself into an actual pony, you just take over the body of one you created?

“Extreme in what way?” Roseluck interrupted, seemingly concerned that Pinkie would state anything ill towards her, what’s the word I am looking for – ah yes, f*** buddy. Shut up, I know that’s two words not one but according to backwards logic, it could be one word if we apply the right amount of alcohol and the right amount of you not being a pedantic asshole.

“Well, considering the overall measures of subterfuge this bastard takes,” Pinkie Pie stated pointing at Daedaltheus who again gave zero f***s, “he is effectively overwriting the personality of that pony every time.”

“Line Draft has a personality of his own, one that belongs to himself and no pony else,” Roseluck defended the absent architect pony who, for the sake of the moment, sat in Roseluck’s dining room talking with Daisy about the finer points of Le Corponier and Frank Lloyd Rein’s architecture. “He’s kind, sensitive, incredibly intelligent and a talented architectural
artist,” Roseluck added leaning further over the table towards the pink pony whom now stood atop the edge of her side of the table.

“Yes, but only because he,” Pinkie pointed at Daedaltheus accusingly, “Made him like that you stupid little filly. Haven’t you ever considered the possibility that Line Draft is tailor made to manipulate you to Daedaltheus’ side of the story and to his skewed view of the world?” While admittedly, Roseluck never considered the possibility that Line Draft’s purpose served to only
further the advancement of R.E.D.’s influence over the story proper, but she knew it never meant anything good. After all, she understood and saw the documentation for Operation: Ender, the extraction of all assets before End Game begins and then the final plan falls into place: Operation: Dark-Star. She saw the plans for it and the reality of the situation but at least Daisy, Lily, Line Draft, and herself would be safe after the skies go dark in one universe.

“Line Draft is more than anything I could ever hope him to be and is a stallion that loves me for who I am not because Daedaltheus or a lab full of scientists created him to do so!” Roseluck said loudly, gathering the attention of several of the restaurant goers.

“Because he never talked to me prior to the first time we met at your party last night,” Roseluck responded. “I saw him all the time walking around Ponyville, standing in the background at parties and important events but he never once approached me even though every time he looked at me, he blushed.”

At that Pinkie Pie kindly backed away, only to spontaneously draw a butterfly knife from within her mane and proceeded to leap across the table in an attempt to stab Roseluck shouting something about ‘death to the agent of evil’ but the music drowned out her voice. All at once, a single hand crossed the table, a white metal ring on the index finger and caught the knife in his palm. Wrapping his hand around the blade, Daedaltheus’ blood dripped freely as he pulled the knife and the pony towards him, a glare of absolution crossing his face.

“For what you just tried to do, I should kill you where you stand you annoying half-witted spawn of disorder,” Daedaltheus stated, resting the knife from Pinkie Pie and quietly and expertly threw it at Razor, who caught it between his middle and index finger before it even got close to him.

"I'm keeping this," Razor stated as he folded up the knife and put it in his pocket.

"Ah but why!?" Pinkie Pie whined at him as she tore her attention away from the not actually that evil Roseluck and over at Razor.

"Because I don't trust you with a leaf blower much less a knife," Razor responded. "Seriously Pinkie, what the hell was that for?"

Daedaltheus meanwhile, took his cut hand and waved it over the blood, his ring glowing white before the blood returned into the cut across his palm and sealing, with some minor discomfort.

“She’s evil and I thought that maybe distracting her with talk of Line Draft would provide an opportunity to stop her once and for all!” the pink mare replied while returning her gaze to and continued staring down Daedaltheus. Razor turned to say something nearly apologetic to Daedaltheus, but found himself no doing so upon seeing the ring he possessed on his left hand.

“That ring,” Razor began, “I’ve seen that before, on the hands of the members of the White Lantern Corp.” he finished causing Daedaltheus to turn and face him, prompting Pinkie Pie to sit back into her seat.

“You would be right,” Daedaltheus replied, “It is a White Lantern Ring.”

“You mean you’ve died?” Pinkie Pie said, rather enthusiastically.

“Yes, and without the ring, which can only be removed by me if and when I wish to actually die so don’t get any ideas from it,” Daedaltheus said to no one in particular, including the audience. “And believe me, I do not wish to die anytime soon, especially with Death wanting me heels after what I did to her.”

“Who do you think is my contact in the DC universe?” Razor answered smugly

“As if,” Pinkie Pie said. Roseluck never spoke but she seemed all around concerned, after all, to her Daedaltheus existed as an infallible god, immortal with the rest of the horrid universe and all of its unseen horrors, but now she saw that he could actually die. Perhaps there was just the inkling of the possibility that there was something wrong with the man she called her boss.

“Oh you know, stuff involving the handing over of sensitive materials to the villain and basically taunting your followers,” Daedaltheus replied, smiling at the audience.

“Oh, so nothing new,” Pinkie Pie responded sarcastically, which was unusual for her. No sooner did the crowd around them begin to quiet down, as a newly turned vampire woman, from Forks, stood up and began to sing. Well, not so much sing, you see, as throatily wail incoherent nonsense as to make the ears of children bleed, though her husband seemed to be enjoying the show.

She never officially finished that verse for the second her goatish yells reached the ears of our... *ahem*...... heroes, Razor and Daedaltheus both promptly leapt forth from their chairs, and summoned as though from thin air, weaponry. Razor brandishing a modified Colt Paterson with the words "Non timebo mala," engraved along the barrel, and Daedaltheus holding an LAPD 2019 blaster, and at the top of their lungs screamed together, “SHUT THE F*** UP, YOU SOULLESS HARPY!” All at once, the singing stopped, the crowd turned to the two patrons, and as if on cue, Roseluck stepped forward
and said, “If you wouldn’t mind.”

“Seriously, why the hell are you singing?” Razor asked, never once taking his gun off of the vampire harlot.

“It’s part of the free sandwich promotional,” said the manager, a man dressed in a 1950’s soda jerk uniform, “if you sing a song, you get your sandwiches for free.” The pair of gun wielding maniacs looked at the man, whose nametag read Mephistopheles, and before another word could be uttered, Pinkie bounced into the frame.

“So if Razor bazer and ole grumpity Daedaltheus sing songs, we eat for free?!” she beamed, nearly exploding into confetti at the prospect of singing to a large crowd.

“Well, they would eat for free,” he began, “you need to sing in order to get your food for free, so if you really want to skip out on the bill, without me chasing you down, carving you into cutlets and serving your soul to star gods, get in line.” With that, the crew sat down, mulling over the idea of singing in front of such a diverse and large crowd of spectators in order to avoid paying for lunch.

“I would have liked to,” pouted Roseluck. The three turned, expecting a Pinkie Pie shaped, well, Pinkie Pie, to reply in a similar manner from her chair, but this proved all of them to be wrong, and not just any ordinary kind of wrong, Kevin Spacey yelling wrong at you wrong.

“All right, ponies, and humans, and all kinds of weird things,” a helium pitched voice yelled over the crowd, eliciting a Daedaltheus sounding moan, and an oddly Razor sounding ‘f*** me’ from their table. “I’m going to sing now and I hope you all like it because I’ve never sung this song before.” The music started, a sort of techno sounding song, with a slight baseline, at which point she started sing, causing damn near everyone at her table to go into shock.

She finished, eliciting cheers from the crowd and more than her fair share of shocked expressions from her comrades as she bounded back to the table, a skip in her step and free sandwich ticket in her teeth.

“Well I’ve been dubbed in Japanese, silly,” she said before adding, “Oh by the way I put your name in to go next.”

Before he knew, Razor stood before the crowd, microphone in hand, and death glares aimed towards his friends, he waited, as the crowd began to egg him on. He didn’t want to do it, in fact every bit of his mannerisms screamed hell no, but he underestimated the pink mare and her ability to play the jukebox. Suddenly, the music kicked in with heavy guitars and he found himself compelled to sing.

Razor finished to applauding from the audience at which point he took a bow and walked back to the table, which is when Daedaltheus stood up.

“Oh shut up,” Razor replied and then asked, “Wait, where are you going?”

“Hey, if you’re going to sing, that means I have to sing too,” he replied. He took to the front of the crowd, drawing some stares from the other patrons, mostly the vampire couple, and selected a song from the jukebox. It started slow and soft, with an 80’s tech beat when suddenly, it came to the lyrics.

Daedaltheus finished as the crowd applauded, though many were confused as to why on earth, or rather, any iteration of the planet, he would sing that kind of song, but to be fair, he could have cared less about what they thought. He returned to the table, only to find Roseluck missing, and the sounds of 70’s disco techno music starting up, at which point he turned to find his companion at the mic.

Razor looked at Daedaltheus who seemed to be grooving along with the song, though any man that dare say otherwise against the voice of Sarah Brightman shall be exiled to the Medusa Cascade, or at least to Zant’s throne room when he’s off his meds.

“What, I really like the song, and Sarah Brightman for that matter,” Daedaltheus replied to Razor’s weird looks.

“Don’t you get it, you were a ‘starship trooper’ before all of this, weren’t you,” Razor said.

“Wow, you are really dense...” he never finished because Daedaltheus immediately shoved him aside to hug Roseluck.

-After lunch.... breakfast.... or whatever-

After finally finishing their respective sandwiches, for free mind you since they all got to sing, the two authors and two ponies left the Crossroads Café began to head home. However, upon exiting the delicatessen, Razor immediately shoved Daedaltheus across the parking lot as he firmly planted his fist into an oncoming SUV, a sight to truly behold. The second his fist impacted the metal, the frame and exterior of the large, black vehicle shredded much like tissue paper under duress and the sounds of crumbling steel, iron, and aluminum could be heard for several dozen yards around. No sooner did the metallic carnage cease did two people, well former people considering their prospective conditions, but then again these two were bland in their actual human lives so at best they perhaps were people at some point but (the author, in this case DaedaltheusXIV has been slapped for trying to exaggerate the point).

“Hey, what the f*** is up with you trying to run us down like that huh?” Razor screamed as he watched a woman and man step out of the car’s wreckage while Daedaltheus picked himself up from the dirt.

“For threatening to kill my wife,” the man said, though there was something wrong with his skin, aside from the fact that it was paler than usual and the off color eyes, which was when it all clicked in Razor’s head.

"Oh this is perfect," Razor said as a gleeful smile crept across his face. "The only thing that would make this even better is if we had some-"

"There we go," Razor said as the brutalness that was Lamb of God started blasting from seemingly nowhere.

"Where the Tartarus is that music coming from?" Roseluck asked as both she and Pinkie looked around for anything that could be playing heavy metal music.

"Really," Daedaltheus said as he rolled his eyes. "Really. Of all the songs you could have chosen, you had to choose this?"

"What?" Razor said with a shrug. "It's not my fault you don't like metal as much as I do."

“What, oh, right. You know, I thought only fairies sparkled in the sunlight,” Razor said, drawing some rather threatening expressions from Edward, which of course meant that the ghoul standing next to him was Bella.

“Look, it’s not that it would not bring me absolute joy to know that you are both gone,” said Daedaltheus, now standing next to Razor across from the vampire duo, “it’s just that we have eardrums and if you could have heard what we heard, then you would have done the same exact-” he never finished that sentence because he found himself hurling backwards into the wasteland compelled by Bella’s repeated fists to his face. Edward made a motion to do the same to Razor, however, the second his fist moved towards Razor’s face, he found it caught by the author, and within seconds, realized he was missing an arm. There Razor stood, holding a bloodied arm in his hand, drawing shrieks of terror from Edward as Razor looked back to Pinkie who merely smiled at this display of violence.

“Wow, I guess you really disarmed him,” she said, at which point the author was not sure whether to beat Pinkie with it or Edward, though upon the vampire trying to kick him, he choose the latter. With each swing of the arm, Razor laughed harder and harder, until finally he could not laugh anymore, which arose mainly due to the fact that Edward was neither dead nor being truly hurt. All at once, a sword was summoned as if from nowhere and driven straight through Razor’s side, which was the point when Razor realized exactly why the two could actually put up a measurable fight. The sword was immediately withdrawn from his side and proceeded to use it in order to stab Edward, several hundred times, until what was left of the vampire (author laughs uncontrollably) could be best described as a quivering mass of gelatin.

“Hey, Daedaltheus,” Razor yelled, “Have you noticed that these two...” he turned to see the gelatin now standing upright, and several dozen blades hovering around him, each one pointing to Razor’s body.

“Oh this is going to be fun,” Razor said in a voice more sinister than either Pinkie Pie or Roseluck had ever heard from either him or Daedaltheus as he brought out the colt again and fired off several shots at the vampire. Not a one of his shots hit Edward though, as he seemingly teleported out of the way of each shot only to reappear a few feet away from where he was previously.

"Great, did you learn that from Wesker or Adam," Razor said as he fired one more shot right at Edward right as he appeared right in front of his face. Quick as he was, the bullet from Razor's gun went right through Edward's cheeks and tore them both apart. The searing pain made Edward scream as he, plunged a blade into Razor’s leg. Pulling the blade out, Razor immediately swung it upwards at Edward, who disappeared before Razor could hit him.

Razor quickly turned around and fired behind him before Edward could get the jump on him, as he knew he would. Right as he fired the colt though, Edward disappeared, only to reappear again several feet behind him. Still, Razor fired shot after shot, even ricocheting some off of the ground and cafe itself, but none of them hit Edward. He was quick, too quick for Razor to compensate for the lack of available clips for an ancient, if not powerful Colt Patterson, which drew him to the only way he could possibly have a sporting chance against the vampire, well at least for the time being. Razor spun the gun around and made it disappear, catching the attention of Edward, who stopped his assault for now Razor began to laugh, not a wry laugh, or even a chuckling ha-ha funny laugh, but a malicious sort of laugh.

“So, you finally admit defeat to someone you know is your superior” Edward gloated, “me, Edward Cullen, the vampire.”

“No, because you see, you calling yourself a vampire is a velvety lie, and the steel hard truth of the matter is-” Razor began but Edward cut him off.

"Oh would you just shut up!" Edward screamed as he teleported right in front of Razor and threw a punch. Razor however, didn't even move and inch and grabbed Edward's fist with his right hand.

“I LEARNED THIS FROM A REAL F***ING VAMPIRE!” Razor screamed as he pulled Edward's hand off of his wrist and punched him in the gut with his opposite hand, and then again with his right hand again, and then again with his left, and again, and again, and again. "MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!" Razor shouted over and over again as he punched Edward again and again with enough force to stop a tank. Then, with one last punch, Razor hit Edward right in the face, breaking several of his teeth and knocking him back several feet before he hit the ground and bounced off of it.

"ZA WARUDO!" Razor shouted at the top of his lungs as he threw out both his arms. Suddenly, before Edward could hit the ground again, the world's color suddenly inverted for a second as all time froze around them. "Toki wa tomare." Razor said as he crossed his arms and admired the broken and beaten Edward Cullen.

Then suddenly, from both of his hands, Razor suddenly spawned a multitude of knives of varying sizes and types, including the butterfly knife he took from Pinkie Pie earlier.

"KIA!" Razor shouted as he threw ALL OF THEM at the frozen in time Edward. However, all of them seemingly stopped before hitting him. After he threw the last knife, which was Pinkie Pie's butterfly knife, he turned around and threw arm right hand down in an epic pose. "Soshite, toki ga ugoki desu." Razor then said as suddenly time started flowing again and every single knife stabbed right into Edward and knocked him right into the ground.

Edward twitched a little bit as he tried to stand back up again, for none of this truly scared him, but Razor floating above him with the steamroller in his hands did.

"MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA!" Razor shouted as he drove the steamroller down hard and fast onto the vampire, not even bothering to give him the chance to get an inch off the ground “WWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” Razor then shrieked as he stood atop the steamroller and did what basically amounted to a pelvic thrust.

Suddenly, the steamroller exploded as Edward punched right through it and stood back up. Now back on his feet, he pulled the few remaining knives out of his body as he stepped forward and looked around for Razor, whom had seemingly disappeared.

"COME ON!" Edward shouted to the skies, though more directly at Razor. "Is that it!? Is that all you-" he never got to finish that sentence because as he spoke, a sharp pain suddenly hit him in the chest. He then looked down to see a forearm sticking right out of his chest, and grasped in the hand that was attached to said forearm, was his heart. Behind him, Razor stood with his arm right through Edward's chest as he looked like he gave about as many f***s as Daedaltheus. It was quite a scary sight to see actually.

"I know this belongs to Bella," Razor said to Edward before crushing the heart in his hand, making blood pop out of it just like a water balloon all over Edward's clothes and face. "But somehow I doubt that selfish bitch cared about it that much. Besides, between the two of you, she's the blood sucking monster. You're just a pretty boy." At that, Razor then pulled his arm out of Edward's chest as he fell to the ground face first.

"Oh would you just shut the f*** up," Razor said as he pulled the colt back out. "AND DIE!" Without any hesitation, the moment those words left his mouth he shot Edward right in the head with the colt. All movement from Edward's body, or to be more accurate corpse, ceased with that last shot.

Pinkie Pie and Roseluck stood there in awe, Pinkie longer than Roseluck who looked out to the wasteland where Daedaltheus presently fought Bella.

-Meanwhile, in the Wasteland-

“Look, Bella,” Daedaltheus stated to the obviously tired and panting Bella, “you can keep trying to hit me all day long and I will simply keep blocking your punches each time.”

“Shut up, f***er,” she said, between gasping for air and started a second round of running around Daedaltheus, kicking up much dust and dirt as she did. Daedaltheus summoned the LAPD 2019 blaster once more and proceeded to fire shots into the dust cloud, which now took off further into the wasteland, prompting him to follow. She stopped and quickly ran perpendicular to him, causing him to miss and shoot a single rock causing it to explode.

“There’s no point in continuing to run,” he shouted into the rising dust cloud while he reloaded, “I’ve had several centuries to practice with this thing and I never miss.” Suddenly, a blade came flying from within the dust cloud and stabbed Daedaltheus straight through the heart.

-Meanwhile, in the Audience-

The sounds of joyous cheer erupted at the sight of Daedaltheus standing there with a full blade run through his heart and sticking out the other end while Bella grasped the handle.

-Back at the Plot-

“You were saying, author,” she taunted wrenching the blade in his chest, causing him to drop the gun, which fell to the ground with a loud clang.

-Meanwhile, with Razor and the others-

“Great, he's dropped his gun,” Razor stated, “I'd say she’s been dead for about ten minutes now.”

-Meanwhile, with Daedaltheus-

Deep within Daedaltheus’ mind, something happened as though a final cog fell into place and began to turn a foul machine that echoed foul howls throughout his being. He felt it, the twitch, that simple twitch of it happening, that twitch that began to spread throughout his body until finally he closed his eyes and reopened them, a hellfire of happiness behind them.

-Meanwhile, with Razor and the others-

“You see,” Razor explained, “Daedaltheus and I are authors, and usually, USUALLY, we hold back when dealing with other characters from stories like yourselves, but there’s a problem with these versions of Edward and Bella Cullen.”

“In our world, the books they come are written in first person, as though they are the journals of the characters, which is all fine and dandy, however, these versions are said authors of the text in their universe.”

“On that scale, there isn't even a number that can say just how f***ed she is.”

-Meanwhile, with Daedaltheus-

Daedaltheus raised his hand to her forehead as though to flick her, which he admittedly did do, except that this flick sent Bella flying backwards fifty-five feet through the air until she came crashing down only to find Daedaltheus standing over her.

“You know, many men and women have stabbed me through the chest,” he nonchalantly spoke while withdrawing the blade, “you would think that they would have learned their lesson by now.” The blade melted into a puddle of metal at her feet, and she rose to punch him again, but he caught her fist and leaned in close to her face. “I am going to start hitting you now,” he spoke, a surge of energy racing into his hand, “and I will not stop until you are atomized.” There came a blast of energy strong enough to shred her hand apart into a bloodied stump, causing her to cry out in pain.

“You son of a bitch!” she cried out as she took to the skies, summoning a myriad of blades to cascade at Daedaltheus.

“USELESS!” he shrieked as the blades vaporized around her and all she could do is look on and witness the author pull a large chunk of the ground out from underneath him and hurl it towards her. She impacted with the object as Daedaltheus hovered in midair, waiting for something to happen, when much to his pleasure it did, with Bella attempting to furiously hit him with her remaining good hand. When he continued to block them and eventually grabbed ahold of the bone sticking out from her stump to hurl her to the ground, she summoned a large cannon in his face that sent Daedaltheus flying backwards through the air. She proceeded to fly with him, punching him several times in the sides and face, to which Daedaltheus thought nothing of it, since he healed nigh instantaneously from such wounds. When he finally had some space between himself and her, he did what should be impossible but nevertheless still managed to pull it off. He took hold of the fourth wall and swung it like an axe at Bella, who was now within range to actually have something done to her.

“Eat fourth wall, bitch!” he yelled out as he swung down hard and fast with the fourth wall, which collided with her head sending her hundreds of feet down until she lay on the ground. She looked up and saw Daedaltheus still floating there, raising a single hand towards the sky with a smile spread wide across his face as a single black dot began to form in his outstretched right hand. The black dot grew into a small ball, then the size of a beach ball, now an office building until finally he held above his head a raging black sphere one mile in diameter and above his head appeared the sign of Omega. She looked on in horror, her shattered spine forcing her to lay there and watch as the lunatic held aloft this star like object before speaking.

“I am the Omega, I am the end of Hope, the Fear, the Loneliness of Life itself, the Walking Despair, the Condemner of the Innocent, the Hatred of a Thousand Grieving Mothers, and the Seeker of the Termination of all Good Things. I am DaedaltheusXIV, the Great Nightmare!” Daedaltheus cried out before sending the sphere cascading down into the ground, colliding with Bella, whom was vaporized on impact, and followed shortly by a colossal explosion and rising hellfire filled cloud.

-Meanwhile, with Razor and the others-

The shock wave hit the ponies hard, sending them back a few feet until Razor cast a shield to protect them from the remained blast. The vehicles near the café shifted a bit until the blast subsided, several minutes later, and at last, the three could see clearly what remained of the vampire woman: a three mile deep and five mile wide smoldering crater in the middle of the wasteland. Within seconds, Daedaltheus appeared before them, looking as he had before the fight, though his tie was noticeably askew, and had some ash leftover on her shirt collar, which he promptly took care of.

“That, my dear Roseluck, is what happens when one understands the full power of the Anti-Life Equation,” he said, making the adjustments to his clothes as various patrons rushed outside, most with horror filled expressions upon their faces.

“She had it coming,” Daedaltheus replied as he looked over Razor’s shoulder and saw several patrons brandishing weapons as though they too were ready to get in on the action. “I think that it’s time that we leave,” he said pointing to the angry patrons now assembling en mass.

“Agreed,” Razor said, “Until next time,” he finished before firmly shaking Daedaltheus’ hand and watched as Pinkie Pie and Roseluck gave each rather threatening looks Razor and Pinkie vanished before their eyes. A few seconds later, the red doorframe appeared wherein Roseluck and Daedaltheus slipped away to write another day.

-Not too far away-

While all of that was happening, just slightly to the side of the Crossroads Café (which side was kind of impossible to tell due to the nature of authors and the obvious by this point god like powers they possess over written works), sat the brown dog with his mouth only a couple inches from the floor. He had seen EVERYTHING!

"Well, it's official," Cortana said to him, though no one else could hear her since she was only in his sunglasses. "I didn't think it was actually possible, but I'd say you just picked a fight with someone whose even more insane and destructive than you are."

"At least he's not as psychotic as I am," the brown dog said after he moved his jaw around a bit to make sure it still worked.

"Why are you saying that like its a good thing?" Cortana replied to him as she put her right palm to her face.

"Because it is," the brown dog responded like it was no big deal. Cortana just kept her palm in her face. "Anyway," the brown dog continued. It doesn't really matter because I've already won. With that, the brown dog couldn't help but smile. The smile on his face was... giddy.... evil.... happy...... like he just did something for no reason other than whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy not, and it made Cortana worried.

"OH DEAR GOD WHY!!!!???" Someone screamed from inside the cafe followed by more various and incandescent screaming.

"OK, what the hell was that?" Cortana asked the brown dog after that second Wilhelm scream, even though she feared what the answer would be.

"I laced all the food supplies with this, the brown dog said, holding up a red thermos. "I call it Colon Blow Ex Machina."

Well, it’s not just a laxative, the brown dog explained. "There’s also plenty of starchy materials I’ve blended together so that the retainer has both Constipation and Diarrhea at the same time. Also erectile dysfunction drugs, hormone pills and LSD were added to the mix, so not only will their bowels be battling them to the extreme, but they’ll be high and horny as f*** as it happens."

"Wait," Cortana said as something dawned on her. "You laced the food supplies with it?"

"Eeyup," the brown dog replied again before she could finish her sentence, giving her another sinisterly giddy grin as he did. At that, Cortana slapped both of her palms to her face and rolled them down her face. If she actually had skin, she probably would have torn it off.

"Why?" she asked. "Why did you lace Razor and Pinkie’s food too? Better yet, why did you lace everyone's food?"

"Couldn’t take a chance that they would switch their food or something. Even if they didn’t order food, I filtered it through the vents in gas form, just to be on the safe side. Besides, one guy crapping himself in a restaurant is hilarious, multiple people, equals comedy gold." The brown dog explained.

Hey, Razor knew what he was signing up for! the brown dog shouted at the not actually there AI.

"Again, he was drunk," the not actually there but trapped in the brown dog's sunglasses AI said. "So I don’t think so. And why did you set fire to the kitchen when the building was already on fire?"

"Wait, what?" the brown dog said, confused before he turned to his left and looked at the Crossroads Café, as he was sitting to the right of it this whole time, and saw that it was now, for some reason, on fire. "Oh yeah.... Hehehe..."

"What and let Dreidel Thesis have all the fun? I don’t think so," the brown dog said matter of factly as he and Cortana, who couldn't look away even if she wanted to and watched the building burn.

"It’s not a problem if I enjoy it!" the brown dog said as he cracked another doggie smile, and again, Cortana could only let out the longest, most exaggerated sigh an AI of her programming could before the brown dog, and by extension her since she was trapped in his sunglasses like a rat in a cage, disappeared in a manner similar to a television turning off. With that, they were gone.

Back in the Crossroads Café, the few patrons that were left all ran out into the parking lot screaming as they all went their separate ways. Some of them went their separate ways together, but that was beside the point. Behind them, the building continued to burn. While all of this was happening, the man in the sodajerk outfit stepped out with a look on his face that could only be described as ABSOLUTELY LIVID before he too, vanished into thin air.

-The next day, back in the Wake up. See this. What do? Universe-

PERSPECTIVE SHIFT:

Roseluck

You wake up in your bedroom, the dim sunlight of the morning barely illuminating the room through your thick blinds. You rise from the bed to slowly pull open the blinds and watch as Celestia’s sun rise in the east, casting the early shadows across the streets of Ponyville. After a quick shower, you then walk downstairs and prepare a simple breakfast before watering your lilies outside the door and walk back inside to check today’s itinerary. You look and see no new items to accomplish and decide to spend the day doing what you please, since this is your first real day off in a long time.

You brush your mane and grab a few bits before heading out into town as the marketplace and various shops open for today’s business, hoping to perhaps buy some fabric and a few groceries.

You are Roseluck, assistant to author, and according to some evil wizard, DaedaltheusXIV.

Wake up. See this. What do? - Part 2: Raise the Flag (comment driven story)

by RazortheAwesome

The Crossroads Café (written by DaedaltheusXIV, BrownDog77, and RazortheAwesome)