Despite what some critics say, NASCAR drivers really are athletes. Racecar drivers need to have endurance, stamina, and quick reflexes. As a five-time champion Jimmie Johnson embodied all of these traits. Despite that, he found himself being outrun, out-maneuvered, and out-thought by a bright pink pony with a penchant for parties. He was panting for breath and Pinkie Pie was still more than a tenth of a mile away, beckoning for him to keep following her.
“It’s not worth it,” Jimmie said as he came to a stop in the middle of the garage area. He leaned against the nearest object, which turned out to be Jeff Gordon’s racecar.
“Sure as hay isn’t,” Applejack agreed.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jeff up an’ told me not to get out of the car so I reckon that’s what I’m doin’. I’m sure he’ll be back any time now.”
“Oh sure, Jeff gets the obedient pony and I get the hyperactive one who can’t sit still for two seconds.” Jimmie pulled the window net down and climbed into his teammate’s Chevy stock car. “As fast as she is, she can’t possibly outrun this.”
“Wanna bet?” Applejack asked.
Jimmie sighed. “No. Honestly I don’t.”
As the Nationwide race took place on the track, Jimmie Johnson raced around the garage area in Jeff Gordon’s car. His pursuit of Pinkie Pie earned him the ire of NASCAR, the other drivers, pit crews, the media, and even his own boss, Rick Hendrick.
In the nosebleed section of the backstretch bleachers, Jeff Gordon was begging fans to bring him things to sign when someone directed his attention to his car running amuck through the pit area.
“That crazy orange pony!” He sprinted down the stairs, headed for the tunnel to get into the infield.
The infield of a NASCAR track is filled with equipment, vehicles, buildings, and lots of people. Speeds are usually limited to single digits or very low double digits for vehicles in motion through the garage area. So when a car hits triple digits, it attracts a lot of attention very quickly.
NASCAR scrambled their fleet of emergency vehicles trying to catch or block the out of control racecar, but Jimmie Johnson was far too skilled a driver for it to work. In actuality, only one vehicle had even a chance of keeping up with the powerful racecar…
Tires squealed as the SRT Viper safety car took off in pursuit of the Chevy stock car. Amber lights flashed in Jimmie Johnson’s rearview mirror but he didn’t care. One way or another he was going to stop Pinkie Pie…even if he had to shove the #24 racecar up her left nostril. Especially if meant he could shove a racecar up her left nostril.
The Nationwide Series race was red-flagged and the cars parked on the backstretch as the #24 Chevrolet and the Viper pace car continued their chase. Several local and state police cars had joined in the pursuit by this point, and every official NASCAR vehicle at the track from pickups to jet dryers were on the track trying to either impede the process of the DuPont stock car or catch up to it. So far the only vehicle that had managed to keep pace with the Sprint Cup racecar was the pace car.
With the racing action stopped, the telecast decided to put up stats comparing the two vehicles and their drivers.
2013 Chevrolet SS stock car: 850+ horsepower
2013 SRT Viper: 640 horsepower
Jimmie Johnson: 400 career starts, 61 wins
Brett Bodine: 480 career starts, 1 win*
*It was later determined there was a scoring error and that Darrell Waltrip actually won the race.
The numbers were clear. By keeping up with Jimmie it appeared Brett Bodine was doing the impossible. The problem was that Brett himself was completely unaware of what was going on as he rested uncomfortably in the trunk of the Viper, bound and gagged. In reality, it was just Pinkie Pie doing the impossible for the thirteenth time that day.
“Fourteenth! That’s where you’re going to finish tomorrow Jimmie and nothing you can do will change it.” The pink mare giggled maniacally as she let the rear of the car break loose, creating a smokescreen behind her. The haze of tire smoke was making it difficult for the cameras to get a good look at the driver of the Viper safety car and she intended to keep it that way.
Jimmie, meanwhile, was chasing Pinkie Pie. How the pink mare had managed to stay just ahead of him, on foot, was still a mystery. Tires squealing, he slid the car between an ambulance and a jet dryer truck. NASCAR’s roadblock wasn’t going to stop him. Nothing would stop him until that blasted pink pony was blasted out of a cannon. Specifically her own cannon. Oh, the irony! Jimmie grinned maniacally at the thought.
“Kasey!”
“Jeff? But if you’re out here, who’s driving your car?”
“It has to be that stupid orange pony. Can I borrow your car?”
“Not happening. You can ride shotgun. Get in and hold onto the rollbar tight.”
“Who has more career wins? I’ll drive.”
“Who has more wins in the last five years, old man? Besides, it’s my car.”
Jeff grumbled but climbed into the car regardless. Kahne lit up the rear tires as he took off in pursuit of the #24 stock car.
“I appreciate the help and all, but if y’all aren’t going to listen to reason, would you mind droppin’ me off somewhere?”
“But I thought Jeff told you to stay with the racecar? Don’t you want to stay with the racecar? You should be a good pony and stay with the racecar,” Jimmie replied, twitching violently.
“Well, I reckon if’n y’all’ll let me out I can go find Jeff on my own and save you the trouble of looking for him. And you can park this car and maybe we can all go out to dinner again like we did yesterday.”
“But I’m not trying to help you find Jeff. I’m trying to eradicate the pink menace!”
“Oh. Yeah, good luck with that. If Discord couldn’t take her out, you got nothing.”
“And just who is Discord?”
“A mish-mash of animal parts with powerful magic and a taste for utter chaos. Ugly looking thing. He made a right mess o’ my farm. He up an’ popped all the corn, made the apples so big they started bendin’ the trees right on over, and ruined half my crops when he made it rain chocolate milk. Pinkie was right there drinking the chocolate rain instead of helping me an’ Dash reign in the chaos.”
“You mean you don’t live in some fairy tale land where it’s always sunshine and rainbows?”
“Oh shoot, that’s a good one! Not only is it not always sunshine and rainbows, we once had a crazy mare that wanted to end sunshine forever. Let me tell y’all about Nightmare Moon…”
Several stories later Jimmie Johnson found a newfound respect for pastel ponies. He still hated Pinkie Pie, but he had come to grudgingly like Applejack. It helped that she was much calmer and more rational than the pink pony. Apparently they faced monsters on a daily basis that were only ancient myths in human society. That a race of multi-colored miniature equines could become the dominant sentient species in a land filled with dragons, manticores, ursa majors, and poison joke astounded him.
Jimmie slowed the DuPont Chevrolet to a crawl. He no longer had the urge to hurt Pinkie Pie. The little orange pony had managed to calm him down. He felt the urge to hug her – so he did. All was peaceful. Everything was right in the world, he could feel it. The pace car slowed to a stop directly behind the DuPont Chevy. He was probably going to be in trouble but nothing bad had happened so it would probably only be a slap on the wrist.
“Hey! I thought we were having an epic car chase here!” Pinkie Pie stopped directly ahead of Jimmie and waved to him. The pink party pony’s screeching voice snapped Jimmie out of tranquil moment of reflection. Finally he had a chance to send the pink pony to the glue factory! Johnson floored the accelerator but she dissipated right in front of him. The DuPont Chevy crashed through a stack of Goodyear racing tires and flipped into the air, finally crashing through the outside wall of the infield care center. Jimmie staggered from the car, clutching the steering wheel in his right hand.
Applejack poked her head out of the wrecked Chevy. “I reckon Jeff can’t blame me for leaving this here spot since this here spot is now on fire. I hope.” She quickly ran away from the flaming wreckage.
Behind them, the pace car came to a stop. Pinkie Pie popped the trunk, untied Brett Bodine, waited for him to get out of the trunk, and then floored the gas pedal until the Viper crashed into the demolished racecar. “Total bummer. I don’t think that’ll buff right out.”
“Wait? You were in the pace car chasing me? But then who was I chasing?”
“My shadow! It detaches for just such emergencies. See?” She pointed to her shadow, which waved at Jimmie and winked, before returning to an inanimate state. “That was fun! Let’s do it again sometime soon!”
Jimmie just stood there muttering gibberish as Pinkie hopped away from the totaled cars and now burning infield care center.
Once she was a safe distance away from the accident, Applejack turned and watched as flames consumed the car adorned with her face. She held her hat over her heart as the flames danced toward the sky. Little did she know this would not be the only time she would be burned in effigy this evening.
Kasey Kahne turned the corner and Jeff Gordon lost his grip on the rollbar. He was flung to the floor of the car as Kasey locked all four wheels up to avoid smashing into the demolished vehicles. “So Jeff, how’s your backup car? You’re gonna need it.”
Jeff sat up and finally got a look at the carnage. He tried to scream but he was so angry no sound actually came out. Much like his teammate, Dale Earnhardt Jr., he would now be forced to drop to the rear of the field before the race started.
Jimmie Johnson sat across from Brian France in NASCAR’s big red trailer. Several other racing officials were seated around the room, as were Rick Hendrick, Jeff Gordon, and Applejack.
Brian France stood up and started pacing behind his desk. “I don’t know how I ever expected you to keep Pinkie Pie under control when you can’t even keep yourself under control. In sixty-five years of NASCAR we’ve never had an incident like this. This goes beyond recklessness. You were racing in the garage area!”
“I was trying to catch the pink menace.”
“And did you succeed?”
“No.”
“You’ll be fined in accordance with ‘actions detrimental to stock car racing’ on Tuesday. Expect it to be a hefty fine and be grateful I’m not suspending you for a few races. Furthermore, as promised, you will be held accountable for all damages to the tune of a new pace car and the cost of both demolishing and rebuilding the infield care center. A larger, better-equipped care center. But at least you get naming rights.”
“Great. I think ‘Pinkie Pie Memorial Hospital’ has a good ring to it.”
“Awww! That’s sweet of you! Now you’ll keep the memory of me alive after I’ve gone back to Equestria!” Pinkie Pie emerged from one of the drawers in Brian France’s desk.
“That’s not what I… You know what, let’s go with that. Yeah.”
“Oh! I’ll totally get Princess Celestia to dedicate a bridge or something to you!”
“That’s nice.”
“And you can totally come for the ceremony! It’ll be so much fun! You can stay in my loft in Sugarcube Corner! I have a spare bed and everything! And you can meet my pet alligator, Gummy! I call him that ‘cause he doesn’t have any teeth. And oh oh oh, I can bake you a cake! Or better yet, I’ll have the Cakes bake you a cake. Cause a cake made by the Cakes really takes the cake!”
Jimmie Johnson did the only thing possible under such circumstances: he sobbed uncontrollably. The others in the room looked around uncomfortably and quickly made excuses to leave, leaving him alone with Pinkie Pie.
“Awww, no need to cry tears of joy!” Pinkie Pie patted him on the back. “It’s not that big a deal. Why, I bet you’ve already got lots of things named after you here!”
“Beggin’ pardon, but what exactly are we doing?”
“Driving to every toy store in Las Vegas.”
“Why?”
“Retail therapy.”
“Shucks, that’s what Rarity does whenever she’s upset too.”
“Yes, delightful little Rarity. I bet Dale is having the time of his life right now with a charming, considerate pony.”
“Somethin’ tells me Dale ain’t the charming, considerate type.”
“Well that’s his problem.” Jeff parked his Chevrolet loaner car in a Toys R Us parking lot. Once inside the store Jeff made a beeline for the girl’s side. He passed the Care Bears and Littlest Pet Shop toys and stopped right in front of the My Little Pony display. He shuffled through the pegs pulling every Applejack toy out he could find. He turned to go and was surprised to see Applejack playing with a Rarity brushable toy.
“Oh Rainbow Dash, you have the most fabulous mane!” She moved the Rarity toy closer to a Rainbow Dash toy.
“Oh Rarity, for you I would always dress in style. Every single day.”
“Kiss me! Smoochie smoochie.” Applejack did her best to imitate kissing sounds.
Jeff raised an eyebrow and slowly backed out of the aisle. “That’s wrong on so many levels.” He checked his purchases out and headed back to the parked loaner car while Applejack scrambled to catch up with him.
“At the next store do you mind buying me a few of these here toys? I’ll pay you back when we get back to the track.”
“Uh, sure. Whatever makes you happy…”
Jeff Gordon stood in front of a pile of Applejack toys. There were brushables, blind bags, stuffed animals, and anything else he could find with her face on it. There was so much merchandise in front of him it was literally overflowing the barrel he had put it all into. The lighter fluid had poured on easily enough, but there was barely any room for the match. But just like Pinkie Pie could always find room for dessert, he crammed it in anyway. A satisfying blaze erupted in front of him.
“Beggin’ pardon, but what in the hay do you think you’re doin’?”
“Giving you just what you deserve. I’ve been collecting ponies for years. You’re absolutely the worst pony, ever. You’re not cute, well, okay, aside from the freckles ‘cause those are super adorable, and you’ve been flooding the stores with just the same six ponies over and over again. I want variety! I want more ponies!”
“Uh…?”
“Majesty is best pony!”
Applejack slowly backed away from the raving racecar driver.
“Let me show you the real ponies, you imposter!” Jeff grabbed hold of AJ’s mane and dragged her into his RV. He opened the door to a previously locked room and AJ’s jaw dropped. It was filled with vintage My Little Pony toys, all mint in package.
Before she could collect her thoughts Jeff dangled a first generation Applejack toy under her nose. “This is what you’re supposed to like! A pastel horse! You’re all scrawny and bug-eyed! You don’t look like a real horse at all!”
“Uh… Is this s’pposed t’ be me?”
“Yeah! That’s the real Applejack. She was a silly pony, not a hyper-annoying one!”
Jeff grabbed several more ponies from the display. “Rainbow Dash.” He placed a Firefly toy on the table in front of the orange farm pony. “Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.” One by one toys of G1 Twilight, Sparkler, Posey, and Surprise joined Firefly on the table.
“Pinkie Pie…with wings? Celestia save us all.”
“Surprise!” The white pegasus toy started flying around inside the box before finally bursting out of it.
“Uh, is it s’pposed to do that?”
“No…” Jeff whispered, silently lamenting that he would now have to buy another mint in box Surprise on eBay.
“Oh, I’ve been cooped up in that box for like thirty years! I need to stretch my wings! Wheeeee!”
“What’s going on here?” Jeff asked.
“Isn’t it obvious, Jeffy-weffy?” Surprise asked. She took the opportunity to take her true form, growing to life size. “See, Pinkie Pie mentioned how cool it would be for her and me to be in the same generation, and since she couldn’t make that happen, she bribed the author to work me into this fanfic! Speaking of fanfics, sheesh! I hope Slugger never reads those stories I found on your harddrive.”
“…You found my slashfiction?” Jeff asked, incredulous. “But…my computer is password protected.”
“I used the Konami Code. Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A. Works every time! Nice OC, by the way. Totally original….not!”
“Sweet Celestia, there’s two of them,” Applejack muttered.
“Awww, all these years later and Applejack is still a silly pony!” Surprise patted Applejack’s head.
“Surprise! You made it!” Pinkie Pie announced her presence inside a G3 Pinkie Pie box. A bunch of balloons pulled her out of the packaging and she joined Surprise in the middle of the room.
“Was there ever any doubt?” The white pegasus rubbed her chest.
“Well, considering I didn’t know the author’s favorite sweets I had to guess. Mrs. Cake’s caramel brownies always work!”
Hey. Don’t look at me like that. You totally would have done this too if Pinkie bribed you with baked goods.
“So can I write the next three chapters?”
“No. But for a full batch of those brownies you can finish this chapter. Now get back inside the fourth wall.”
“Hmph. You are no fun. But you know what is fun?”
“A surprise party!” Surprise and Pinkie Pie shouted in unison. They fell over giggling but bounced back to their hooves and hopped out the door. “Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!”
“No good can possibly come of this,” Applejack hung her head.
For the first time since he met her, Jeff agreed with the orange mare.
Across the garage area, Jimmie Johnson was tracking Pinkie Pie by following the trail of destruction. It was pretty easy at first, but he lost her when the trail of destruction doubled back on itself. “That pony is smarter than she looks…”
A thousand feet above Jimmie, Pinkie Pie floated, held aloft by a bunch of balloons. Next to her Surprise was explaining the pegasus game “Pigeon” which involved hitting small targets on the ground below them. The smaller the target, the more points the pony in question scored. Unsurprisingly, the game had been the very first thing banned under the peace treaties proposed after the first Hearth’s Warming.
“Direct hit on Mr. Grumpy-Pants!”
“What the…?” Jimmie Johnson looked up. He instantly regretted that decision.
“I got him too! Tie score!”
“Ugh.” Jimmie wiped his face with the sleeve of his racing uniform. “Mud?”
”Wait a minute. Mud? Wouldn’t naming the game after a certain bird notorious for pooping on things indicate…”
“First of all, that’s disgusting. Secondly, like, think about it. If we did that then we’d have to wait a whole bunch of hours for more ammo! Boring! So we’re totally using mud cause it’s messy and there’s lots of it around to pick up!”
”Okay, fine. Carry on. This is your chapter now. I’ll just shut up and eat my caramel brownies.”
“Get down here!” Mr. Grumpy-Pants (that’s like, totally Jimmie Johnson by the way!) shouted up at the amazendous multi-colored flying horses. Surprise was soaring through the air on her fabulous feathery wings, while I floated along without a care in the world (not that I ever have cares in the world, mind you!). So like Mr. Grumpy-Pants was shaking his fist and hopping up and down when I came to a sudden, shocking, horrifying realization. Jimmie wasn’t having fun! Like, I gasped so hard Surprise thought I had inhaled an entire monarch butterfly or something. But of course I didn’t do that or Fluttershy would be totally sad and Flutter’s such a good friend of mine I just couldn’t do that to her and junk. So anyways, I totally needed to cheer Jimmie up and make him Mr. Happy-Pants! ‘Cause happy pants are better than grumpy pants. I mean can you imagine how horrible it would be to wear pants that were grumpy all the time? I mean pants do get sit on a lot so I guess that explains why they’re so grumpy. But what do I know? I’ve never even worn pants!
Where was I? Oh yes! I needed to cheer up Jimmie Johnson before he stressed out and had negative health consequences. Because that wouldn’t be any fun and then I’d have to go to the hospital with him and then cheer him up. Oh, that could work! I could dress up like a clown and everybody loves clowns! And balloons! That’s it! Jimmie needs to join us up here! So Jimmie stopped the guy randomly selling balloons through the crowd and bought his whole inventory and tied them around his waist.
“The NASCAR track has a balloon salesman?”
“Of course! You never know when you’ll have a balloon emergency!”
So Jimmie tied the balloons around his waist but he didn’t float up to the sky and he looked totally bummed out.
“I’m totally bummed out.”
“Hey! That’s what I just said you said!”
So then I explained to Jimmie how this only works for cartoon characters and how he needed cartoon balloons if he wanted to join us up in the sky!
“I really don’t, in all honesty.”
“Tough! You don’t get a say on this Mr. Grumpy-Pants soon to be Mr. Happy-Pants!”
“Wait…are you narrating and talking to me at the same time? Just… how?”
“I blame bad writing.”
“But…you’re…writing….” Jimmie stammered, trying to wrap his brain around the logistics of what the pink party pony was implying.
I continued eating brownies and regretting nothing.
“And then the balloons keeping Pinkie Pie aloft started popping one at a time,” Jimmie said.
“Hey! My balloons are popping! You can’t do that!”
“Sure I can! If you can write my actions I can write yours. Soon the pink menace was only a few feet off the ground and our reluctant hero, the handsome, talented racecar driver grabbed her and started wringing her neck. The end.”
“That’s not how the story ends!”
“You’re right, we still have to wrap up the race. Has anyone else forgotten that we’re all here for a NASCAR race? And then I win the Las Vegas race on my way to a sixth Sprint Cup championship. The end.”
“You’re gonna finish fourteenth! My Pinkie Sense is never wrong!” Just at that moment Rainbow Dash swooped in to save the beautiful pink mare.
Rainbow Dash isn’t in this chapter. She’s not even in Nevada at this point in the fic.
Just at that moment G3 Rainbow Dash swooped down and rescued Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie Pie! Darling! It’s such a darling day outside so I thought I’d take a little flight because I woke up with wings? Can you believe it, darling? I’m a pegasus! Do I have to move to Butterfly Island now or do you think the rest of Ponyville will accept me for who I am?”
Once our incredible pink heroine was out of harm’s way Rainbow Dash sewed Jimmie into an outfit that completely covered his mouth so he couldn’t keep altering the course of my chapter. I totally paid for this chapter with brownies! And you didn’t so you don’t get to have a say on how it ends. So there!
“Pinkie, darling, I have the most darling idea!”
And that’s how Rainbow Dash came up with the idea to knit Jimmie Johnson into a giant sock and leave him for Minty to play with. And Minty was happy so that made Jimmie happy!
“It did not.”
“Did so!”
“And then anvils started raining from the sky,” Jimmie said, grinning.
“Twitchy tail! Twitchy tail!” I dodged all of the anvils as they fell, but then, much to my horror (and Mr. Grumpy-Pants who still hasn’t become Mr. Happy-Pants’ horror also) the anvils started falling all around him. And since he’s like totally not a cartoon character that would be seriously fatal to him! And fatal isn’t fun! So Surprise zoomed down and scooped up Jimmie Johnson in her forelegs and rescued him.
“See, Jimmie? This is why you should leave the writing to the trained professionals!”
Surprise carted him off to a castle where he revealed he was secretly a prince named Charming and how they would live happily ever after if she married him. Surprise of course said yes and Rainbow Dash set to work making wedding outfits. Oh, oh, oh, and her wings totally disappeared at that point!
“I’m already happily married! That would be bigamy!”
“Okay, so we’re agreed. It’s big of you!”
“Hey! I don’t want to marry him!” Surprise cried out.
Fine. Rainbow Dash marries him instead.
“Darling! I have a career to think about…”
“Your career ended when Friendship Is Magic debuted. So you’ll have plenty of time to marry him and live happily ever after. And then G4 Dashie can do all sorts of amazing sonic rainbooms and become a Wonderbolt and then we’ll live happily ever after together forever and ever!”
“I would make a fabulous bride. I’ll do it!” Rainbow Dash agreed with the immensely talented and freshly stocked up on new words mare thanks to a handy thesaurus that landed on the ground next to me. And let me tell you, the Thesaurus is a frightening super-scary dinosaur that’s just like a T. rex but bigger and meaner and with lots of sharp pointy teeth and razor-sharp scales and horns and spikes!
“Darling, it’s a Thesaurus! You must save me!” Rainbow Dash fainted dramatically, leaving Jimmie Johnson in a suit of armor and holding a lance while riding Surprise into battle!
“I, uh, I snort and stamp my hooves before charging into battle with Jimmie perched valiantly between my wings.”
“Yeah! You’re getting the hang of it, Surprise! Now go get that mean old dinosaur!”
Surprise raced forward and Jimmie’s lance struck the Thesaurus right in its kneecap, knocking it over. Unfortunately for Jimmie the lance got caught in the dinosaur’s knee and he was recoiled across the parking lot where he landed in a delicious seventeen-layer cake topped with whipped cream and two-dozen cherries on top!
“And this chapter is done. Back to you! I have a seventeen-layer cake to go eat!”
Surprise and G3 Rainbow Dash returned to their original forms as toys in Jeff Gordon’s My Little Pony collection. Pinkie Pie devoured the cake. And Jimmie Johnson sat on the ground, rocking back and forth. The author, meanwhile, vowed never to let Pinkie Pie write anything ever again. At least not without getting a lot more baked goods up front first. That said, I’m grateful I don’t have to write an additional seven chapters to retcon her half a chapter.