The Storm King has attacked.
Canterlot has fallen.
The princesses have been captured.
There is no leadership.
There is no plan.
But there are Wonderbolts.
Wonderbolts do not give up.
Wonderbolts do not know the cost of war.
Perhaps it would have been better if Wonderbolts did give up.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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How did the Storm King beat Discord?
How would the Mane Six react some ponies have just actually DIED for no good reason, and this wasn't a complete "sunshine and rainbows" happy ending like the previous villain showdowns?
Especially Rainbow Dash learns that those deceased ponies are part of the Wonderbolts? Her own team!
As someone who's had their own occasional arguments with cartoon "main character can save everything" being applied even when the situation doesn't feel like it really supports it, I thought this did a really interesting job of examining what would happen if not all of the secondary characters were genre savvy enough to realize it; I felt for Soarin and his conviction that revenge and making up for (what he saw as) his earlier cowardice was the only way. The ending also landed well, imo, and left me wanting to know more about the aftermath, since that's the sort of experience that's bound to leave scars. Nice job. :)
Hello hello, I am here to give you a Q&S-style comment. 👀
This was an interesting one. Other characters, especially relatively capable characters like the Wonderbolts, not knowing what the Mane 6 are doing to fix the whole Storm King problem in the movie is a very compelling premise. Honestly, it's exactly the kind of gap in canon that allows for really good fanfic ideas to flourish.
First and foremost, your fight scene was excellent. It didn't linger too long on details that don't matter, but it also didn't move at such a breakneck pace that I got lost in the dialogue. I tend to shy away from fight scenes myself because I know how easy they are to get wrong and how hard they are to get right.
Overall, I liked your characterization of Soarin. I do wonder if this story, in particular with the emotional beats at the end, would benefit from being written in first person to capture Soarin's feelings all the mroe viscerally. That said, I can absolutely see an argument for keeping in in third person limited. Regardless of POV (and the reason I was considering first person at all), is that I found myself wanting a little more of Soarin's internal dialogue, his inner turmoil, and the reasons for his stress both individually and as a whole. You captured what he was actually feeling pretty darn well, but expanding on the why a bit would be rad. For an example:
This one struck me as a great candidate, the 'why' of him not taking over Spitfire's office. I think it's pretty clear from your context clues that Soarin doesn't view himself as a REAL leader. But his reasoning for not taking over her office for war planning things would add flavor. Has he realized he's not cut out for this leadership thing, even in the interim, and he's thinking of jumping ship? Or is he thinking (as I kinda figure) Spitfire will need it back & it'd be rude to muck it up?
But yeah, this one was good, and pretty much exactly what fanfic is for in my book. :D
Also: the line about the hayburgers was chef's kiss. That's the good stuff right there.