This won't end well...
Gator Season
"So, this is the Everfree Forest..."
Looking up from his map, a grey unicorn stallion in safari attire gave his surroundings a cursory glance. He brushed his white, bushy mustache thoughtfully with his hoof as the parasprites began buzzing around him.
"If the legends are correct, there are many dangerous creatures living in these woods," he said, looking back at his map. "Well, that's just perfect for me then. For no animal, great or small, is a match for Ivory Tusk, the greatest big game hunter in all of Equestria! Now then, where to start?"
He began trekking through the underbrush, taking out a guide from his pocket and reading through it as he walked.
"Hmm. A manticore? Seriously? I've lost count of how many manticores I've bagged," he mused, rolling his eyes. "A cockatrice? Nothing more than a glorified basilisk, if you ask me. Ooh, an Ursa Major. That would be interesting, if I could find it. I'll just mark that as a 'maybe.' Let's see, what else?"
His train of thought was suddenly interrupted by a cheerful voice.
"Thanks for looking after Gummy while I was away, Fluttershy! You're a real pal!"
Looking up from his book, Ivory noticed two ponies talking at the edge of the woods.
"Hmm? That's odd," he said, checking his map again. "This area's supposed to be deserted. How are there ponies here?"
While Ivory Tusk tried to make sense of his situation, the two friends continued talking.
"Oh, it's no problem, really," said Fluttershy. "He was no trouble at all."
"Well, I never expected him to be," said Pinkie Pie with a giggle. "Honestly, how much trouble can a toothless alligator get into?"
Ivory Tusk's ear twitched. "A toothless alligator?"
Taking out a pair of binoculars, he looked expectantly at the alligator in question. Sure enough, it had its jaws around the pink pony's flank, but was not causing her any pain. Cash registers started to go off in his head.
"This is remarkable! Biologists would pay through the nose for something like this!" he said to himself. "I'd be set for life! That tears it, I must get that gator!"
"Well, seeya!" said Pinkie, starting to head for the Everfree Forest.
"Um, Pinkie? Where are you going?" asked an apprehensive Fluttershy.
"Oh, I'm just going to see Zecora," said Pinkie. "We're going to exchange recipes! I can't wait for her to get a taste of my signature Confetti Cannon Cake!"
Fluttershy opened her mouth to question her friend, but thought better of it. "Well, okay. You just be careful, alright?"
"Of course," said Pinkie. "Seeya later!"
With a quick nod, the two friends parted ways. Just as Pinkie Pie entered the woods, Ivory Tusk came out from his hiding place.
"Oh, hello there, young filly," he said with a bow. He was about to continue further when Pinkie suddenly gasped.
"Omigosh omigosh omigosh!" she exclaimed. "A new pony! I love love love meeting new ponies! Wait right there, I'm going to get my welcome wagon!"
"Wait just a minute," said Ivory, using his magic to keep Pinkie from running off. "Welcome wagon? You mean, you live here?"
Pinkie giggled. "No, you silly-billy! I'm from Ponyville! And I know everypony in Ponyvillie. Except for you, of course. But that's because you're new! And I love making friends with new ponies! Although, it's kinda weird that you came here through the Everfree Forest. Most ponies just use the train station."
As Pinkie continued to ramble on and on, Ivory took another look at his map. He then groaned.
"Somehow, I knew this map was outdated," he grumbled, looking at the date.
"Whatcha doing?" asked Pinkie, who was now somehow behind him.
"Gah!" exclaimed Ivory, dropping his map. "Don't do that!"
"Ooh, that date's from before Ponyvillie was founded!" said Pinkie, pointing to the date on the map. "Coincidentally, it's also Granny Smith's birthday. But you probably don't know who Granny Smith is because you're new. Well don't worry! I can introduce you to her!"
"No, it's fine. Trust me," said Ivory. "Who are you, exactly?"
"Oh, sorry!" said Pinkie. "I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?"
Ivory Tusk cleared his throat and regained his composure. "Why, I'm only the greatest big game hunter in all of Equestria! Surely, you've heard of me."
Pinkie titled her head. "I can't say that I have. And I already told you, my name's Pinkie."
"Um, right," said Ivory, baffled by the pink mare's confusion. "Anyway, I am Ivory Tusk. I am a great hunter known from Trottingham to Baltimare, and beyond."
"Ooh, cool!" said Pinkie. "You really get around, huh?"
"I should say that I do," said Ivory. "Now then, I was just wondering..."
But by this time, Pinkie had broken out into song and began dancing around the perplexed hunter.
"Oh, you hunt from here to there,
And it doesn't matter where,
You hunt manticores, and some wild boars,
Hup, two, three four!
And occasionally a bear!"
"Now, see here!" barked Ivory. "What's that all about?!"
"Oh, that's just what I do when I meet somepony new!" said Pinkie. "Unless, you want to be left alone. I can understand that."
"No, it's fine," said Ivory. "Listen, I was just curious about your little friend there."
"Little friend?"
"The one biting your flank."
"Oh, him!" Pinkie then pried the alligator off and showed him to Ivory. "This is my pet, Gummy! He's got no teeth!"
"I can see that," said Ivory. "Listen, young filly. How much are you willing to pay for it?"
"Pay? Oh, nonononono," said Pinkie, shaking her head. "He's not for sale."
"But he's a toothless alligator! That's incredibly rare!" said Ivory. "Don't you have any idea how much that creature is worth?"
"I picked him up at a pet shop for five bits," said Pinkie with a shrug.
Ivory's expression became deadpan. "Tell me you're joking."
"Yep, I am," said Pinkie with a goofy smile. "I didn't get him at a pet shop. He was actually a present from my sister. And you know how you're not supposed to tell ponies how much a gift costs."
Ivory stared at Pinkie blankly. How could she be so oblivious?
"Now, look here," said Ivory. "That alligator is going to be my ticket to fame and fortune, and I will not have some airhead nincompoop stand in my way! Now, I'll ask again. Are you going to hand him over?"
"Um, no," said Pinkie. "Sorry, Ivory Tusk. You're going to have to look somewhere else."
Ivory snorted. "Alright. I didn't want to do this. But one way or another, you're giving me that alligator!"
The small gator suddenly became bathed in tan light as he was drawn to Ivory. Not willing to give up her pet, Pinkie quickly grabbed him with her hooves.
"Let go of Gummy, you meanie-pants!" she yelled. "I told you, he's not for sale!"
"I am not leaving the discovery of the century in the hooves of a nitwit!" Ivory barked back, maintaining the game of tug-of-war.
"Look, he would be a bad pet for you, anyway," said Pinkie. "I think you'd look better with a manticore, but then again, animals are more Fluttershy's thing."
"A manticore?" Ivory scoffed. "Please. I am a hunter. I've been bagging them since I was a colt! I don't get why so many ponies see them as a threat. They're nothing but dimwitted clumsy oafs that couldn't tell a paralysis spell from a hole in the ground!"
"Well, why don't you tell that to him?" said Pinkie, pointing over Ivory's shoulder.
"Tell that to wh—?"
Ivory turned around to see where Pinkie was pointing, only to come face-to-face with a manticore. He released Gummy in shock and began chuckling nervously.
"Well, looks like you're busy," said Pinkie. "I'll see you later, Ivory Tusk! Oh, and if you use that paralysis spell on him, make sure he doesn't fall. He might mistake it for a hole in the ground. That's what you said, isn't it? Well, toodles!"
With that, she hopped off, leaving Ivory at the mercy of the large monster.
"Well, you see, I didn't mean anything by that," said Ivory with a nervous chuckle. "In fact, some of my best friends are manticores..."
The manticore was not buying it. Soon after, the hunter's yelps of pain could be heard throughout the forest.
***
"Stupid bloody manticore," Ivory grumbled, helping himself to a healthy dose of antivenin. "Well, no matter. I'll have to come up with some other way to get that gator."
As soon as he recovered, he followed Pinkie's hoofprints to an odd hut deep in the woods. He saw Pinkie knocking on the door.
"Ah, good. She's distracted," Ivory whispered to himself. He then tried to use a levitation spell on Gummy. "Alright now. Gently... Gently..."
Ever so slowly, he tried to pry Gummy's jaws off of his owner's back. Just when he was about to pull him off, the door to the hut opened, revealing a zebra.
"Well, hello there, Pinkie Pie," said the zebra in a metric manner. "It's so nice of you to drop by."
"Hi, Zecroa!" said Pinkie. "I decided to drop by and exchange recipes with you!"
Zecora raised an eyebrow. "I create potions; you create cakes. I'm not sure what sense such an exchange makes."
"Oh, c'mon! It'll be fun!" said Pinkie, bouncing up and down. "I know you'll get a kick out of my Confetti Cannon Cake!"
As she and Zecroa continued their discussion, Ivory Tusk kept trying to pry Gummy off of his owner. This proved to be a task easier said than done, as Pinkie would not hold still.
"Well, alright. We'll give it a try," said Zecora. "Please come inside, Ms. Pinkie Pie."
"Yay! This is gonna be great!" cheered Pinkie as she darted inside.
"Drat," Ivory grumbled. "Well, this isn't a problem. While she's in there, I'll set up a trap from out here."
***
As Pinkie and Zecora continued to discuss their plans, Ivory set up a snare in front of the zebra shaman's house.
"Now when that airhead steps outside, she'll be unable to stop me," he said with a nefarious chuckle. "It'll be like taking candy from a foal."
"Hey, did you hear something?"
Ivory quickly clammed up, and hid himself behind one of Zecora's shields next to the door.
"It was probably the just timberwolves out back," said Zecora's voice from inside the hut. "They often prowl here looking for a snack."
"Timberwolves?" asked Pinkie. "That doesn't concern you at all?"
"They steer clear from my hut, and they try to avoid me," said Zecora. "They are afraid of my enchantments, you see."
"Oh," said Pinkie. "Well, I guess that about wraps it up! Thanks for the recipes, Zecor—"
Before she could continue, she suddenly experienced several sensations at once. Her ears flopped, her eyes fluttered, and her knees twitched.
"Pinkie Pie, are you alright?" Zecora asked, concerned. "Please, allow me to ease your plight."
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," said Pinkie. "That's just my Pinkie Sense."
"I haven't heard of such a thing, Pinkie Pie," said Zecora as she opened the door. As she did so, she unwittingly pressed Ivory Tusk against the wall. "You must tell me about it next time you drop by."
"Okey-dokey-lokey! I'll keep that in mind," said Pinkie. "Seeya later!"
She then bounced off, humming to herself. When Zecora closed the door and went back inside, Ivory collapsed to the ground.
"Ugh. I don't get it," he said, bewildered. "She should've been caught in that snare. Maybe I set it up incorrectly."
Ivory then walked over to his trap and gave it a prod. This turned out to be a mistake, as it suddenly scooped him up and left him hanging in front of Zecora's door. Confused by the commotion, the mystical zebra reemerged and stared at Ivory.
"I do not mean to complain and grouse, but what are you doing outside my house?" she asked.
***
"Finally. I thought that zebra would never let me go," Ivory growled, brushing himself off. "C'mon now, Ivory Tusk. It can't be that difficult to catch a toothless alligator. You gotta think of something."
After some trekking, he finally caught up to Pinkie Pie, who was looking over some plants.
"Hmm. Now then, Zecora's recipe called for some leaves from a Delish Fern," she mused. "Well, this looks to be it. Gummy, would you mind?"
The alligator leapt off of Pinkie's back and got right to work, pulling some of the ferns out of the ground.
"Wow. I'm really lucky you don't have teeth," said Pinkie. "It says here that the leaf cannot be damaged until it's in the boiling water, otherwise it loses its flavor."
"I don't have time for this," said Ivory, focusing on Gummy and ready to cast his spell again. But before he could...
"Hi again!" said Pinkie, somehow appearing right in his face.
"Gah!" gasped Ivory, falling to the ground. "I told you not to do that!"
"Sorry," said Pinkie. "Hey, I want to apologize about earlier. I didn't mean to get mad. It's just that, well, Gummy's my friend. You understand, right?"
"What I understand is that you are an idiot," Ivory muttered under his breath.
"Hey, I know!" said Pinkie. "Why don't I bring you over to Sugarcube Corner? You can try this new Delish Fern Tea recipe I just got from Zecora!"
Ivory was not sure how to react to this. "Um, well..."
"Oh, don't worry. It'll be no trouble at all!" said Pinkie, dragging Ivory by the hoof. "I insist! It's the least I can do to make it up to you for being so rough before."
***
"How did I get myself into this?" Ivory asked himself as he sat in Sugarcube Corner. "All I want is that blasted alligator."
"You're still on that?" asked Pinkie, poking her head out of the kitchen. "I already told you, he's not for sale. Now stop being a meanie-pants, or you'll get no tea."
As she disappeared back into the kitchen, Ivory couldn't help but notice Gummy playing with Pound Cake. Carefully, he trotted over to the young foal and reached over.
"Um, excuse me, little one," he said. "Could I have that?"
Pound Cake gave the stallion a confused look before going back to playing with Gummy.
"Now, now. It's not wise to ignore your elders," said Ivory. "Now, may I have that alligator?"
Pound looked back at Ivory, and then at Gummy again. It appeared that he wasn't interested.
"Alright, little one. That's it," said Ivory, using his magic to tug at Gummy's tail. Noticing this, Pound angrily pounded Ivory's legs, causing him to stumble.
"OW!" he yelped. "Why you little—!"
"What's going on in here?" asked Pinkie, rushing out of the kitchen. Looking over the scene, she gave Pound a look of disapproval. "Shame on you, Pound Cake. You know better than to pound ponies without permission."
Pound gave Pinkie an apologetic look, to which Pinkie smirked. "Aw, it's okay," said she. "I can't stay mad at you. Just don't do it again, okay?"
Pound responded with an inarticulate coo and a nod, and then crawled off to play somewhere else.
"I'm terribly sorry about this," said Pinkie. "Pound's usually very nice around strangers. Here, some tea will make you feel all better!"
Before Ivory could respond, Pinkie poured him a cup of tea.
"There we go," said Pinkie. "Now, how many lumps do you want?"
"Oh," said Ivory. "Um, just one, thank y—"
"Hit the deck, Pinkie! Pumpkin's having another magic surge!"
Confused, Ivory look up to see a frying pan controlled by magic smack him right on the head. Sure enough, it raised a lump the size of a golf ball. As he recovered from the assault, Mr. and Mrs. Cake came rushing in.
"Oh, we're terribly sorry, sir!" said Mr. Cake. "We didn't know Pinkie had company."
"Are you alright?" asked Mrs. Cake as she cradled young Pumpkin in her foreleg.
"Yes, quite. Never been better," said Ivory. "You see, my constitution is most impre—"
Before he could finish, he passed out. The Cakes looked over the hunter's unconscious body, and then looked over at Pinkie Pie.
"Don't look at me," said Pinkie with a shrug. "He's the one who tried to take Gummy away."
The Cakes looked at each other, shrugged, and got to work getting some medical attention for Ivory Tusk. When it came to Pinkie Pie, it was better not to ask questions.
That's all, folks!