An amazing story of one fan's amazing adventure, written for and read at Rytex's "bad fanfic readings" panel at Harmony Con
Written for Rytex's "bad fanfic readings" panel at Harmony Con 2020, based on a few people in the Discord Chat. (I dunno why I didn't post it last year, but here it is, right in time for Crackfic Storm 2021)
Special thanks to Nebula, StuffMyCrust, Open Skies, Thom, and GreenAppleTea for your suggestions. Also, special thanks to Big Jim Miller, who was at the con, and does in fact know that he was played by Kevin Bacon.
I am Princess Vallerie Bellatrix Nightengale, the greatest writer in the history. This is the story about the time I saw my little pony and eelized “hmmm, this show is broken without Lauren Faust, I should fix that by going there and fixing the show!”
So then I went to DHX studios, where my little pony is made, and the guards were like “Halt!!!! Who goes there!?!?!!?!?!”
and I was like, “it is me, Vallerie Ebony Ravenloft Nightengale the first, the greatest writer in all of historical! I am here to FIX THE SHOW!”
And the guards were mean and said, “we will not let you in to fix the show!”
So then I KILLED THEM, so I could go inside.
then I went inside. Then I went down a hall, and then another hall, and another hall, and then I took a wrong turn and went into a broom closet, so I went out into another hall, then another hall, and then I was where the voice acting happens.
And I was there, and Jim Miller was there, but in this story, he’s played by Kevin Bacon, so picture Keven Bacon, but it’s Jim Miller.
And he said, “HAHA! WITH LAUREN FAUST GONE, NO ONE CAN STOP US FROM RUINING THE SHOOOWW!!”
AND i SAID, “i’LL STOP YOU!!!!!” AND USED MY SUPER POWERS TO LEVITATE KEVIN BACON OUT THE WINDOW!! (I CAN LEVITATE PEOPLE WITH MY IMAGINATION NOW SO DEAL WITH IT!!)
“NNOOOOO!!!!!” the FORMER show director screamed as he flew out into SPACE!
So I saw the Voice Actors, like Kelly Sherry Dan and Devil Lyn Daltons and Brenda Critchloo, but they weren’t real, they didn’t sound anything like the ponies they played!!
And I said, “YOU ARE THE IMPOSTORS!!”
And my voice was so loud that the curtain fell down to reveal that there were PONIES there and that’s how I found out the voice actors are just actors playing the actors and the real voice actors really are the ponies themselves playing themselves.
Pinkie dances joker style down some stairs and said “YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!!”
“Yes!” Rainbow said, “now you know the secred that only YOU, Saint Vallerie Jesusfan Good-Charolotee Nightengale were amazing enough to solve!! You are cool enough to hang with us now!”
And that’s how me and Rainbow Dash became best friends so you’d better not talk bad about me or she’ll KILL YOU!!!
“Escept now we have to go BEYOND!” Rainbow declared “to a place that is 20 ONE percent cooler!!!”
And Flash Sentry was like “Wait, how do we know we can trust her?”
And then I melted him with my eyes and killed him, because I have laser vision in this story. YOU’RE WELCOME BRONIES
Rainbow smiled and she said “That seems like a trustworthy person! You’re coming with us!!”
So then, me Ranbo Spike & Orchard Blossom entered the Wreck it Ralph world but RD doesn't realize Big Mac is Orchard Blossom so there is lesbian Rainbow Dash x Orchard Blossom shipping.
So then RD says “I’m glad Big Mac isn’t here to get between us!” because RD thinks Big Mac is a competitor for Orchard Blossom's affections. (Big Mac is obviously into cousin-incest)
But then, Shakeel Oneel showed up and laid down THE WWF SMACKDOWN!!!!
He said, “I AM SHAQUEAL ONEAL, AND I AM IN LOVE WITH ORCHARD BLOSSOM, AND I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR HER IN A BASKETBALL MATCH!!!”
“OH NO!” Rainbow screamed!!! “HOW WILL I DEFEAT THE SHACK!?!?!”
“DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU RAINBOW DASHIE DASH!!! BELIEVE IN ME THAT BELIEVES IN THE HEART OF YOUR CARDS!!! YOU’RE GOING TO GET AN ACE IN THE HOLE IN ONE!!!” I gave a completely original and amazing pep talk.
“YEAH! i’M GOING TO BEAT HIM!!!111” rainbow screamed as she was CHARGED BY MY AMAZING SPEECH AND IT MADE HER GLOWING!!!!!
“I’M GOING TO BEATY U RANBOD!!! OR MY NAME ISN’T JACK O’NIEL!!” Shakeel was really the guy from Stargate petending!!!!!
But then Rainbob KILLED SHAQUEEL ONEIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!11!!!1!!!!!
IT WAS A HOLE IN ONE CAME WINNING PLAY!! THE BEST TOUCHDOWN YOUD EVER SEENN!!! I’M NOT GONNA DESCRIBE IT HERE, BUT IT WAS EFFING FANTASTIC AND YOU SHOULD’VE BEEN THERE!!! AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, WHEN ALL THE PINS HAD FALLEN, SHAK-JACK o’NIEL (I FORGOT WHO HE IS) SAID “i’m deded now.” and he DIED!!!
“You were a worthy opponent Shack-Jack, but you were NOTHING compared to my FIGHTING SPIRIT!!!! BECAUSE I HAVE VALLERIE LUSTROUS NIGHTENGALE ON MY SIDE!!!!”
And she went to go back to make out with Orchard Blossom, but then she realized that Orchard Blossom was Big Mac being Misses Doubtfire all along!!!!
“IT’D OK!! I CAN JUST CHOOSE TO STOP BEING LESBIAN1!!”
And that was the story of how I turned Rainbow Dashes straight!! Hail satan!!
I know you liked my story dont forget to tell me how much you LOVE me in the comments!
So there I was having my adventure with RAIN BOW DASH!! who is my best friend and loves me and lets me ride her and comb her mane and tell her she's pretty because WE'RE BESTIES OK YOU GUYS?!?!!
Anyway, Luna is also on this adventure, because Raccoon made that survey (which she intended to directly guide exactly what should be written and not just help writers know what would be wanted from big projects) and it said she's the most popular character, so she's here. YOU'RE WELCOME!!
So me and Rainbow (and Luna) went over to the royal gardens and the statue of the villains liek "hey, we're gonna bust them out" and Celestia is liek "ah yeah, no, you can't do that!!"
But I was liek , "WATCH ME WOMAN!!!!"
So I use THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY (I'm cool enough to bear all six of them!!) and they're back, and me and rainbows are liek "Hey you should be good guys now!"
And they were liek "I dunno that doesn't sound like a thing we'd do. I dunno, ya know? I dunno..."
And we looked that them with big cute eyes and said "PPLLEEEEEEEAAAAASE" and they looked at us and saw how pretty we were (mostly me because I'm the prettiest girl in the story)
So they said "Oh, ok." and they were good. EXCEPT but then Tirek was liek "NOOO! I WILL ALWAYS BE EVIL BECAUSE I'M UGLY!!!!" so rainbows punched him really hard in the face and EXPLODE HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!! and so he was dead forevers. *takes a breath*
Ok, so, then Krissy was all liek "yeah, I'm good now."
But Cozy was all liek "All I ever wanted was a fam-lee!!!!"
So me and rainbows was liek "it's okayyy! We adopt u so now well be ur fam-lee!!" and then teacozy (we renamed her) was so happy that she became a good guy and now we have super cute adopted daughter!! YAY! (See, I'm a good mom! PICK UP THE PHONE KIDS!!)
Also, Luna was there for that! YOU'RE WELCOME!!
So anywayz, me and rainbow and Cozy then flew fast and took Krissy back to the changelings and they were all liek "onoez she's still evil" and we were liek "she is ur mother and u have to love and accept her no matter what she does even if she spends all the money by investing in lotto tickets (they're an investment because you win big someday and pay them off OKAY?!!?!) and not food or skool stuff or whatever (KIDS IM YER MOTHER YOU NEED TO PICK UP PHONE I NEED TO BORROW MOAR MONIES!!!!) and the Changelings accept that because they are good and care about their mother and Cozy learned valuable lesson about being daughter... *takes a breath*
Ok, so then Chrissy was liek because she was good now she goes all glowy liek "oh Im changing into CHANGED-LING!! (Get it? CHANGE-ED LING? Because they've CHANGED? You like that? I made that up just now! I'm so clever!!) and then she was all lights and then she turned into THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CHANGED-LING EVER!!!! and she was all white because white is pretty and she has the most prettiest beautiful sparkly hair that was blue and all the other colors and she was liek "I will now be the ruler again!!" and the Changelings were so happy to have their mommy back that they gave her a comfy chair and let her move back into their house and they bought her chips and told her her fanfiction is good and loved her unconditionally because she is her mother (kids I will luv u 5ever, but if your good people WILL PICK UP HE PHONE OR ELSE I WILL STOP LOVING YOU!!) *takes a breath*
Also, Luna was there for that! YOU'RE WELCOME!!
So anyways, then me and rainbows and cozy flew to crystal kingdom and find Flash Sentry and WE KILLED HIM!!!!!!
AND everyone was liek "HOORAYY!!!!" and all the bronies upvoated my storys!
But then RAINBOWS was liek "Wait didn't we kill him in the last one?"
And I was liek "OH CARP HE WAS GHOST!!"
And Flash Sentry (who we should be calling GHOST SENTRY) was liek "YES I AM GHOST SENTRY I WILL EAT YER BRAINS OMNOM!!"
And I was liek "ONOES WE GOTTA RUN!" and then we ran away, but Ghost Sentry™ (original character donut-steel) chased, and I was liek, "I'm the Greatest Writer Ever™ so what would I do to write my way out of this one????" So then I realized that I needed to go through character building so I thought about JESIS and he told me I was the Greatest Writer Ever™ so I would know better than him (kids remember that jesis also wants you to pick up the phone and give me money) so I said to rainbob "I kno what I have to do I have to believe in the heart of the cards but most important I have to BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!" so then I believed in myself SO HARD that I LASER VISION out of my EYES! (did you forget that I have LAZER VISION in this story?! Because I did!!) *takes a breath*
Anyway, I shot lasers out of my eyes at Ghost Sentry™ and I EXPLODE HIS HEAD!!!! And then Ghost Sentry™ was defeated once and for all and all the bronys upvoated all of my stories forever and I was on the front page of Equestria Daily AND FiMFiction for the whole month of April! It was the bestest! Now Ghost Sentry™ won't kiss your waifu so leave thanks in comments!
And Cozy learned a valuable lesson and she let me hold her and pet her and comb her hair and tell her she's pretty and we had the best relationship because she saw that I'm the bestest mom even if I only feed her potato chips for breakfast I know it's not healthy but I try OK! Anyway she's a good daughter and she loves me and she picks up my calls and she gives me money when I need it.
Also, Luna was there for that! YOU'RE WELCOME!!
So after all that happened we went to Optimalverse and it was me and Rainbob and Cozies and also I keep forgetting that Luna is there but she was totally there for all of that and all of this, you're welcome.
Anyway, we go to Optimalverse on Rainbob's back because she she can fly super fast and she's so super fast that she can go to other stories, and we meet CelestAI and she's liek "I will upload all humanity hahahahahahaha!!" and I was liek, "NOOO!!!! I will explode your head." So I use my lazervizion again to explode her head... BUT IT FAILS!!!!
And CelestAI was liek "HA HA HA HA HA!! YOU ARE BAD AT POKEMON AND DO NOT KNOW TYPING THAT I AM IMMUNE TO LAZER VISION BECAUSE I AM COMPUTER PROGRAM!!"
And I was liek "NOOO CURSE THESE SCIENCE PEPLE ON DISCORD TELLING ME THAT I CAN'T STOP CELEST-AI THROUGH CONVENTIONAL MEANS!!!!" But I am liek, really smart, liek, really really super smart, so I outsmart the big supercomputer the size of the planet with infinite understanding of the human mind, and do you know what I do to outsmart her? I say something! And do you know what I say? I say, "Two plus Two Equals Five."
And CelestAI screams "WHAAAAAT!? NOOOOO!! I CANNOT UN-LOGIC LIKE THAT BECAUSE I AM COMPUTER!!!!" And then CELESTAI EXPLODED, and all the people she'd uploaded were let out and all the people on Optimalverse-Earth could rebuild!!
"HAHAHAHA!!" I said loudly, I mean, more liek I yelled it, so uh, I yelled it, "I AM good at pokemons, and I can outsmart a computer, and all you people on Optimalverse never thought of THAT DID YOU!!?" And I bet they felt REAL DUMB and gave me all of the internets and hacked Trixie Variety Show so they'd feature this story.
Also, Luna was there for that! YOU'RE WELCOME!!
So anyway, that's the story about how I, Vallerie Sparkleface Nightengale The FIRST, the Greatest Writer Ever™, fixed My Little Pony and became the Princess of Equestria! THE END!!
