Taokaka, a human cat creature tells a story of how she went to a weird land: Equestria to be exact.
Taokaka is in equestria, well sort of. She has decided to tell us her story of her being in Equestria, and all the fun she had with ponies, or "Uni-somethings" as she calls them. That or "Funny Doggies".
Read on as she causes confusion, chaos, and a possible mental breakdown for Twilight Sparkle while along the way eating more candy then she should, trying to find a substitute for Litchi's (or "Boobie Lady" as she calls her) boobies and causing great pain to Celestia! This is Taokaka in Equestria!
Please note that this fic will not, in keeping with the mindset of Taokaka, be serious in any way.
Taokaka and other characters in this fic are from the BlazBlue video game series. For more information on the games and characters, look here: http://blazblue.wikia.com
Before we start, Tao and miss litchi have an important message, please take it away.
“Yes, this story is mainly for comedic purposes only and should not be taken seriously” Said Litchi in a happy tone, her usual jet black hair and red dress still making her a wonder to the eyes.
“This story is non-canon with the Blazeblue universe and therefore will not adjust the main story of the Blazeblue for all those that worry” Taokaka said with a smile, her cat like body and hoodie showing off her happy if not weird style.
“Wow Tao, that’s pretty smart, considering you” Taokaka became distracted by Litchi’s above average breast size and quickly lost focus “Ooh boobie lady!” Tao hugged Litchi, getting a feel of her boobies “Boobie lady has the softest pillows meow!” Litchi blushes crimson red out of embarrassment and shoved Tao away “Tao no, were trying to do an educational intro for people that don’t know what Blazeblue is!” Litchi exclaimed, picking up Tao and placing her back on her feet.
“But boobie lady, people skip intros silly!” Tao said in a happy tone, and then started to chase her own tail and nibble on it as soon as she caught it “yummy! Tao’s tail is yummy meow!” Litchi face palmed at Tao’s behaviour “Do you remember what were supposed to do today?” Tao started to think, scratching her head for a while “Nope!” Tao exclaimed, nibbling her tail again.
“Okay then, since you’ve forgotten, again!” Litchi exclaimed, looking at Tao with some anger, and then turning to the audience’s direction “I’ll explain as best as I can. If I tried to explain the whole plot of Blazeblue, this chapter would probably be way to long, so instead I shall explain the parts needed to for understanding that plot slightly better” Litchi got out some sake for how long this lecture might take.
“Basically all you need to know for this story is that Tao’s astral finish, super move or finisher for those that are new to fighting, basically she teleports to a very weird world, which no one seems to question, and then mercilessly beats the hell out of the poor person she’s fighting” Litchi drank some sake and took a deep breath “Me and Tao live in Kagutsuchi, a city designed so it’s above the earth’s surface due to some seather which is a deadly chemical that has well… not pleasant side effects for humans in large doses, but if someone uses it in a small dose, then they can perform attacks like Tao’s astral finish” Litchi took another sip of her sake “any questions?”
“I have one!” Tao asked, raising her paw to get her attention, smiling happily with her creepy eyes showing a very familiar look to Litchi “Yes Tao?” Litchi responded, sake at the ready “How do you get your boobies that big?” Litchi face palmed “Okay, Tao you need to have someone massage them to make them bigger” Litchi laughed, thinking Tao would not actually listen to such a ridicules idea like that “Can you massage my boobies Boobie lady?” Litchi ran off before Tao could get her to do anything “Meow? Boobie lady you were going to tell the story! Meow!” Tao picked up the story “Tao can’t read though! There’s no pictures ether!” Tao sat down in a sulk, before seeing someone in the distance.
She sniffed the air, picking up the familiar smell of nervousness and being a shy someone “Lacking lady will help!” Tao pounced on Lacking lady, but she got out of the way before Tao could actually land on her “Firstly Tao, stop calling me lacking lady, my name is Noel!” Noel shouted at Tao, regaining her shy personality rather quickly “Just don’t do that, okay?” Noel said, looking rather upset “But Boobie lady told me not to lie” Noel started to get more upset “W-what do you want anyway?”
Out of her hoodie pocket, she got out her story and gave it to Noel “I want you to read my story book! Please?” Tao kept saying please over and over and over again, before Noel gave up “Okay fine Tao, let me look at it” Noel skimmed through the book, becoming incredibly confused “Tao this story makes no sense what so ever and there’s no plot! It’s just you being a idi.. I mean being adorable” Tao looked incredibly confused “What’s a plot?” Noel was now borderline about to run away, but it would be rather mean to Tao “Okay, I’ll make something up for you” Noel looked through the, noticing the description of one of the characters.
“A purple doggy creature with a funny horn that makes magic, and had a funny feet that that want clop clopedy clop” Noel realized what Tao actually meant “Tao, I think you mean a unicorn here. Okay, I think I can actually do something here” Noel said, sighing in relief before Tao leaped on her in a hug “yay! Lacking lady you’re so nice, even though you have a cutting board” Noel was confused, but started the actual story.
--------------------------------Actual story start here, let’s begin! -----------------------------------------------------
It was a peaceful day in Kagutsuchi, there was little violence, there was a two for one offer on steamed buns and Tao forgot the rest, so Tao took a big long nap in her special sunny spot, dreaming about steamed meat buns for hours and hours…
Tao got woken up by some screaming coming from the village, running on all fours, she leaped into the village of the Kaka tribe and saw the squiggly thing or Arakune for those who don’t know his name, but he’s still a meanie. He grabbed one of the little Kaka kittens and tried to eat it, but I came along and chopped off his squiggly arm thingy and started to beat the crap out of him!
“You promised in the last fight you wouldn’t come back!” I exclaimed loudly, beating the crap out of him or her or whatever it was with my super kaka claws, slashing and dicing, cutting and hacking him into little pieces of chewy parts for some wasabi! Mmm, wasabi yummy for Tao!
“st pid c I d, I pr m se no hing to y u!” the blobby thing started to laugh evilly, before leaping at Tao with a giant shark mouth that was filled with spiders, but Tao upper-cutted him in the mouth and sent him flying through the air “Tao’s going to beat that crap out of you!” My body filled with lots of super energy and the whole background changed as I started to beat him up, hitting lots of times over and over and over again.
Arakune screamed in pain, before wrapping around Tao and hurting her with some painful bugs that nipped and stung her fiercely, but this caused her astral finish to go crazy and send to this world she had created with her astral finish, and sending Arakune to the other side of the Kagutsuchi.
Tao landed in a garden filled with statues of weird goat creatures and weirder goat dragon lion creature statues, but Tao decided to take a long nap in the garden, sleeping on a patch of tulips and roses, snoozing away happily.
“What an odd creature” a tall unicorn with wings said, picking up Tao and taking her to a little bed room and placing her in a nice comfy bed “Hmm… I wonder if I could keep this as a pet? No Luna that’s just silly.” Luna thought to herself what to do next “Do I release this creature into the wild, or do I keep her in private?” Tao rolled around in the bed, getting warm and comfy while purring “Tia won’t mind one bit” Luna giggled to herself and put some cookies next to Tao in case she got hungry.
“Nighty night Mrs fluffy, don’t go off anywhere” Luna went off to do her usual night duty’s leaving Tao in the bedroom alone… with cookies and books on magic…
Luna had decided that tonight she would make a few new stars, some yellow ones to make the night more colourful, than or at least not as boring as it was already. She made the yellow stars form a shape of a smiley face, before nodding in approval of her handy work “very nice Luna” Celestia, Luna’s older sister, and much meaner one snuck up behind Luna, startling her.
“Oh hello sister, I was looking for you actually” Luna looked happy and excited, but rather nervous too “can I have a cat? Please?” Celestia rolled her eyes “Luna we have talked about this, no pets” Luna looked upset at Celestia “but sister…” Celestia shushed her sister with her own words “Luna no, no cats, no dogs no pets at all” Luna was upset and went to her room.
Once she got back, she went to her new pet and stroked her head caringly “mean old Tia doesn’t have to know about you Mrs fluffy, I’ll look after you, and then we can best friends forever!” Luna exclaimed, hugging Tao or Mrs fluffy in her sleep, with her hugging back in her sleep and hugging tighter “Aww you’re so cute!” Luna kept hugging Tao, happy that she had a new friend, though a secret friend at least.
---------------------------------------------actual story part ends here, back to Blazeblue!--------------
“There you go Tao, one chapter all done and dusted” noel said happily, handing the story to Tao with a happy smile “yay! What’s a chapter? Is that a fish?” noel laughed happily “no a chapter is what spaces out the story, you wouldn’t want to read one really long story all day long would you?” noel asked in a cherry tone “I don’t know, Tao can’t read meow” noel broke out in laughter again, before heading off to do her own thing.
“Hmm… maybe bunny lady can help me!” Tao put her story in her hoodie and ventured towards the home of Rachael allurcard, the vampire of Blazeblue and also bunny lady for Taokaka “I wonder if she still has that meat bun that floats with her? I could eat it! Nom nom time!” Tao went fast to the direction of Rachael’s home, with a smile on her face and a mind filled with nothing but possible insanity.
Okay before you say anything about the characters, allow me to explain. Taokaka is dumb, naive and curious and is prone to doing stupid things because she follows instinct. Arakune talks like that because… just look him up on the internets! And if you have any questions, ask in the comments.
Sorry about the chapter delay, I was finishing off a chapter for another story, but here’s the new chapter, hope you enjoy.
Taokaka happily wandered through Kisaragi, just being happy that lacking lady, I mean noel, had made her first chapter and now she was off to bunny lady, I mean Rachael, who Tao thought liked her a lot as friends but in reality, Rachael disliked Tao’s company to a certain extent, depending on her mood.
She got on all fours and started to run and pounce onto the rooftops, getting a bird’s eye view of the city and running faster and faster every second, going faster than… well Tao was already the fastest person in Kisaragi, so she was going as fast as Taokaka goes, leaping from building to building with a smile that meant good things for her because she was happy and excited, and bad things for her friends as they would have to bear with Tao ether having a scheme or doing something Taoish, which meant ether injury’s or meat buns.
“Tao going to see the bunny lady! Bunny lady so weird though, she said she was a vamp something, so weird she always smells like she has no life meow” she said before getting to Rachael’s home.
Her home was more like a massive cathedral then a home, it felt Gothic and rather scary for some but there was a garden filled with roses, mostly red roses thought but it was a beautiful sight for the eyes, were as the building itself was scary and creepy with only two people living in a home that could look after a thousand people.
Tao tried to remember who lived in this weird place again “Umm… bunny lady and… and the wolf man! He’s weird!” Tao exclaimed, leaping into the rose garden and seeing Rachael sipping some tea in peace and relaxation, so Tao decided to go sneak on Rachael.
“Oh finally a bit of peace, no fights today, no bloodlusts, and my twelve thousand, seven hundredth and ninety eighth birthday is soon, oh how quaint” she sipped her tea and looked at her rose garden “Valkerien has really done a good job this year, maybe I should give him a day off? Hmm… nope” she smiled with a slightly happy and evil face, thinking about her horror book she was reading about a furious vampire that slaughtered hundreds of innocent children “hmm, sound’s like my dad on Tuesday” she laughed again, sipping some vanilla tea.
Suddenly, a certain cat person leapt on Rachael and hugged her “hi there bunny lady!!” she sniffed and hugged Rachael, much to Rachael’s discomfort, she hated being hugged by Tao, her fleas and dirty fur, her breath which smelled like a dead corpse in a blender, everything about her screeched to Rachael annoying or a pain to her.
“Tao off before I send you to the moon!” Tao shrugged, not thinking it was an insult, that or she thought the moon was some sort of food “Tao is fine, Tao knows someone who went to the moon! She said it was really boring, no one live there, I wonder why meow” Tao was happily still on top of Rachael for a while, till Rachael did the most sensible thing... she used some wind powers and blew Tao off her, but being part cat, she landed on her feet with ease.
“Bunny lady, can you write a bit of my story meow?” Tao gave Rachael the book, with Rachael looking over the general mumble from Tao’s writing and the more cute writing from noel.
“If I write this, you’ll leave me alone, right?” Tao nodded furiously “good, I won’t have to electrocute you fifty time’s like last time… or maybe I could after I’m done” Rachael smiled in a creepy way, grabbing a pen from her pocket and started writing.
---------------------Actual story start here and yes that was a long intro--------------------------------------------
Tao woke up at noon, the day was surprisingly bright and incredibly boiling hot as well, perfect for most people who loved to play games in the sun and eat ice cream, and for the rest, a pain as the sun annoys a certain type of people, and I’m going off track.
“Meow? Where is Tao?” Tao looked around the room, seeing hundreds of books on the well-being of grooming of ones mane and tail, along with books on stars and lunar activate, but Tao saw all of this as confusing words as Tao was both incredibly stupid, but could not read as well, so most of the dialogue looked like jumbled up words.
“Oh meow my head hurts” Tao rubbed her head in confusion over the books, till someone entered the room, a tall horse like creature with long gorgeous wings and a coat of dark blue like the night sky at times, but her eyes were like flawless diamonds, but she had an odd power around her, aura of some sorts.
“Hi there funny doggy!” Tao said to the alicorn, smiling in her happy manor, not realising that calling a creature larger then herself could easily cause her great amount of pain to her.
She glared at Tao with anger in her eyes, before saying in a loud voice that would shatter rocks in two “I AM NO DOG!!” but as soon as she said that, she became calm and sweet, as if her personality switched back and forth like a switch, before picking up Tao in a friendly and loving hug “and you’re so adorable!! My names Luna, what’s yours?” she nuzzled Tao’s neck lovingly and affectionately.
“My names Tao Luna, what is this place anyway meow?” Tao looked confused, but Luna thought this was incredibly cute and hugged tighter on Tao “well you’re in my room, which is in canterlot, and I found you in the garden, and I took you here and now, you’re my little kitty, or whatever you are?” Luna looked confused at the weird cat like creature, with Tao thinking about steamed meat buns, and boobie lady.
“Huh? Tao is a kaka! Kaka’s are like this, were kitty people that wear hoodies” she scratched her ear to get rid of a flea, but Luna thought this was cute… again. Something about cute creatures and Luna made her lose half her IQ points in a second, and sadly this is with most of the populace of Equestia.
Luna got out a little dress that looked like Tao’s size and slowly moved closer to Tao “first were going to play a really fun game of dress up!” Tao looked nervous and saw a window and thought of the most logical thing to do… she jumped out of the window, be leaving that being put in a dress was really girly and annoying and they always smelled weird, when really that added a sense of class to one’s character.
Tao landed on all fours because she was a cat and cats have that power somehow, before she waved at Luna “bye Luna doggy, Tao had fun!” Tao ran off on all fours and ran north of Equestia, running and running till she was out of Luna’s sights.
“But… but I thought I could have a kitty cat” Luna was upset and disheartened that Tao had just ran away like that, but she had a idea “hmm… I could turn sister into a cat… nah that’s silly… maybe one of the guards instead” she muttered to herself, laughing evilly but happily, but regaining her normal happy demeanor soon afterwards.
Meanwhile in pony vile…
A pink pony's tail twitched and changed yellow and orange three times, before her eyes wiggles two times forwards and four times backwards, but she did not know what this meant at all, she only knew one thing… she would need steam buns.
------------------------------ Back to Blazeblue universe---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachael wrote the last sentence and shoved it in Tao’s hands, or paws or hoodie with paw like sleeves, anyway…
“There, it is done now leave me in peace!” Rachael said angrily at Tao, before going to sit down and drink her tea, but to her dismay and possible anger issues in the future, Tao had one last question to ask.
“Bunny lady, Tao’s tired, can Tao sleep here tonight?” Rachael rolled her eyes in annoyance but came up with a idea “sure Tao, I have a nice comfy bed right here…” and as by magic, a weird shaped bed that was aimed upwards for some reason appeared, making Rachael smile with a cruel thought in mind, but Tao got in the bed and went to sleep.
Rachael aimed the cannon at the other side of Kisaragi and pulled the string, sending Tao flying through the air but not waking up the feline at all, which did not bother Rachael as she was glad to be rid of Tao… for now.
“finally some peace and quiet” Rachael grabbed her book but to her horror the pages had been chewed on by a certain cat, making her fume in anger and cause a massive thunder storm to strike around her, causing a massive explosion “DAMN YOU Tao!” she yelled in anger, crushing the cup of tea in her hand and then planning how to cook the feline if she came back.
Sorry for the delays, college, homework, research for the story and other story’s I was writing got in the way, I am deeply sorry.
Now for another chapter! Warning this one has some boobie playing near the beginning, so if you don’t like that, then please skip that part, and this happens in the game a lot, so technically if you don’t like it, you can look up the game for that part.
Tao started to look for someone to help write the next part of her story, she had written a little herself, and by little she meant one letter before she got bored and started to doodle pictures of Litchi and herself playing games together, games like who can eat the most meat buns before exploding twice, but she walked around a bit more, before bumping into someone from behind.
“Hmm?” the lady turned around and saw Tao on the floor, who was holding her book in her hands, or paws, however you want to put it, Tao looked up and saw that the lady was Litchi and did the normal thing for Taokaka, she hugged Litchi and felt Litchis boobies, just like every time they meet up.
“Hi Boobie lady!” she felt Litchis above average breast size again, feeling how soft and how warm they were, like soft little pillows made of warm skin and meaty red stuff inside “Their still so soft and squashy! Their like super soft pillows made of meat!” Litchi rolled her eyes and pushed Tao away, with Tao backing off slightly, but still in the space so she could leap on her if she wanted to.
“Hello Tao” she looked at Tao with annoyed eyes at her for the usual breast grabbing, but she digressed, noticing her little book “How is your note book coming along, did you get someone to help you?” Litchi asked with a loving smile, Tao always made her smile for one reason or another, maybe it was how light minded and naïve Tao was, she didn’t mind.
“Well Tao got lacking lady to help me meow, then I went to bunny lady who fired me out of a cannon and she was really mean about it, but I didn’t mind meow, Tao landed in a bakery!” She got out some donuts and some pastry’s and started to eat them, she gave one to Litchi, before she ate the other nine she had just eaten.
“Boobie lady, can you write one of the parts? Please? I’ll be your bestest friend in the whole world!” Litchi laughed at this a little, it was rather cute in her eyes, off Tao offering rather than just forcing something on her, but Tao purred against Litchi’s leg like a loving cat, with her sighing in defeat “Okay Tao, just pass it here” Tao passed the book over and a slightly burned pen to Litchi and she began to write. ---------------------- The story begins! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tao wandered on the road, her stomach rumbling a lot as she had only eaten some pancakes she had “found” on some pony’s plate, to the mares misfortune, but Tao continued forward on the road, her stomach rumbling and her mind empty as usual, only focused on food.
Tao suddenly saw a town up ahead, with the smells of a bakery and donuts and pastries, no steamed buns though, but food was food in Tao’s book, so she walked to town, hoping that all the people there were nice and calm to her.
Tao entered the town and all the ponies looked at her with weird eyes, this weird creature looked so… out of place, it looked like discord had combined a cat, the color yellow and a horror movie monster, mixed them all in a blender to make… this creature.
“Hi there funny doggys!” every pony screamed in fear of the weird creature and ran into their homes, into carts, some leaped into a nearby river and the flying ones went into a cloud to hide.
“Was it something I said meow?” Tao asked herself, scaring a whole town like that made her more confused than usual, till a pony, or funny doggy, leaped on her and hugged her close, her horn rubbing against Tao’s back lovingly and affectionately.
“A human! A human, finally after all these years! I can finally tell twilight I was right!” the mare picked Tao up on to her feet, with Tao’s confusion reaching a much greater level than ever before, the greenish mare with a creepy yet happy smile on her face creped her out to no end, but the mare seemed kind enough to at least not run away.
“Hi meow, my name is Tao!” The mare hugged Tao again, this time even tighter, looking at Tao’s sleeves, and feeling her hands and hoodie also, loving the feel and kissing the hands like an obsessed fan girl, loving every second of it, before grabbing Tao’s hand and taking her to a house located out of the town. They entered the little house, with the mare putting Tao inside, locking the door, swallowing the key, barricading the door with wood and nails, then using magic to freeze it with an ice beam, before smiling at Tao with a smile of creepy levels that would make a horror movie writer go “That’s it, I quit!”
“Tao is hungry; can I have some food meow?” The mare ran to the kitchen and gave her some cookies and muffins and some what appeared to be meat, but Tao sniffed it and it smelled of salad, so she ate the food anyway, Tao would eat a live shark if she could at the level of hunger she had, devouring the food and looking at the mare again with a confused look.
“My names Lyra, and I will be your best friend while you’re in Equestria, forever and ever and ever and ever” the last ever sounded unnatural, like Lyra wanted to keep Tao as a pet in the darkest parts of her mind like a puppet, doing whatever she wanted to Tao.
Tao looked at the mare with more confusion then fear, she didn’t understand why she was like this, but it was noon, so she decided to go to the sofa and take a cat nap for six hours at the least, with Lyra looking at the Tao with creepy eyes still “you sleep my human, yes my human” she smiled more sinisterly, before sniffing Tao’s hand’s again before teleporting outside of the house and going to do her usual thing.
---------------------------------and back to Blazblue----------------------------------------------------
Litchi gave the story back to Tao, and smiled happily at her, stroking Tao’s soft fur before heading off to do some of her own things, ether vet jobs, doctor jobs, or martial arts… jobs, waving goodbye to Tao, happily thinking that with that creepy stuff, Tao would never want to see it continued, but…
“Tao like this meow! Boobie lady does the best stuff meow!” Tao smiled happily before pouncing from building to building, looking for her next target to write her next story.
“I know! I’ll ask nice guy! He loves to write happy and is always super nice about everything!” Tao thought of Ragna the Bloodedge, a criminal wanted for blowing up an army base single handed because he was on a revenge mission to kill his brother, so he is a nice guy as you can see.
Man I love this story! Sorry, couldn’t resist saying that part, but yes, Ragna is a “nice” guy as you can see clearly.
