Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, two or three or five or some nonzero quantity of magic diminutive horses came together and fell in love and then unfortunately produced offspring who chronicled the way in which their parents met.
Deep, dark shadow of gnashing teeth and dull, shadowy scales crashed down on the roof of a random Ponyville house, reveling in the terrified screams and thundering hooves from the roads below. With glowing green-white eyes, the sinuous dragon surveyed what he had wrought. Ponies fled in every direction. Black flames towered over gutted homes and shops. Twilight threw magically-enhanced book-jectiles from her perch in the upper reaches of the town hall.
All was good in the world for Nightmare Spike. No. The Spikemare. Yes.
It was a work of beauty, the destruction. The Nightmare had never been so satisfied. With Rarity out for the count after a recent bout of posession and sudden, violent, and voluntary self-eject-ulation by the Nightmare, the blasted Elements of Harmony were useless. USELESS!!! Muwahahahahaha!
But then, a new sound. Boisterosity.
"Hey, overgrown scales-for-brains! Try this!"
The blue, cape-ridden pony decorated in stars that was trembling- No, standing defiantly on the road below. The Spikemare had just enough time to note this before BOOM! FLASH! WIZZ! Fireworks were everywhere!
But they were mere annoyances, and even as the pony, no, stallion turned and fled, The Spikemare was in hot pursuit. With fear in his eyes at his impending doom, the blue pony put on more speed. The Spikemare's talons still caught the pony's tail, wrenching him to a halt, and violently flipping him over.
"Neigh!" The pony shrieked in terror.
The Spikemare's heart fluttered at the pony's, no, stallion's dulcet voice. Stallion? He', whatever. The Spikemare wasn't picky. Not with such a delicious morsel underclaw.
"WHO DARES DEFY THE SPIKEMARE!"
"I-I-I'm the Gr-Great-t-t and-d P-Powerf-f-ful T-T-T... T-Tristan!" He squeaked out.
"Well, The Great and Powerful Tristan..." The Spikemare gave the azure-coated stallion a langorous lick across the lower jaw. "I believe you had me at 'neigh'."
Waifu Thief Flash Sentry and Private Eye Twilight Sparkle Meet for Coffee. Coffee Intensifies.
Once upon a time in the land of Equestria there was a very clever pony named Twilight Sparkle. She was so very clever, in fact she was so clever that Princess Celestia took her on as a student. But Twilight Sparkle couldn't figure out the greatest mystery of all: how was Flash Century so good at stealing waifus? It boggles the mind; he was just amazing! One day it was her heart, the next day it was Trixie's heart, and the day after that it was Fluttershy's heart. How was it possible? Nobody knew; it was just so amazing. So she resolved to go and ask Flash Sentry himself.
"Flash Century, how are you so good at first stealing my heart, in the first Equestria Girls movie, and then stealing my panties in the second one? Please come and tell me your secrets, so that I may replicate your success with Timber Spruce."
Flash Century smiled mysteriously. "Oh, young grasshopper, you have much to learn. Come, follow me, and I shall teach you the ways of waifu stealing. Or husbando stealing, depending on which way you swing."
Flash took Twilight out to a grassy hill overlooking the planes outside Canterlot. "See the little bare patch over there? I want you to visualize the waifu you want."
"OK, I am imagining Sunset Shimmer standing there, so shapely, so cute, so amazing. I want to run my fingers through her bacon hair all day.
"OK, good. Now, realize and come to terms with the fact that you will never get her. She cannot be yours, for you are a mare and she is a mare as well, and Hasbro studios will never allow you to officially be together. The closest they get is allowing background characters to be 'best friends'"
"Darn. So what's the next step?"
"Realizing that you can never attain her, date me instead. Do you want to do coffee?"
"Yeah, sure I guess. God that was a real letdown. Like this whole thing feels really let down-ish. Why are you this way, Sentry?"
"I'm sorry, I can't help it. Waifu stealing just comes naturally for me, but it's not for everyone."
"I know. But you're so charming and handsome about it, I can't stay mad for long. So hey, I guess let's get coffee."
They went and got coffee. Unfortunately it was very mediocre, just like this story.
Berry Punch hated it was the burning passion of a thousand suns. She was a single mother, and every year she felt like she was a little bit less attractive.
No stallion really wanted a singel mom, that was a sad fact. And if there was a stallion who did, well, he'd go for someone a little bit younger, a little bit cuter, or at least someone who could actually spell “Celestia” on a banner.
Luckily, Berry Punch has a trick up her sleeve.
Technically, it was up Zecora's sleeve.
Technically, it wasn't up anypony or anyzebra's sleeve, since they didn't normally wear clothes.
Point being, if you can't attract stallions with your good looks, you can use your bits to buy a love potion that will fix your problems. That's right, in Equestria you can buy love.
Berry Punch had spiked a bottle of her own wine with the love peoint.
She remembered what had happened to Cheerilee and Big Mac but was willing to risk it anyways.
She looked up and down the market for a suitable stallion to let sample her special bottle.
The sun was hot, though, and Berry had a few too many drinks from her other sample bottle. By the time noon had rolled around, she was two sheets to the wind.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Thunderlane gliding down from a cloud, and Flitter and Cloudchaser were nowhere near him. So she quickly opened her special bottle, poured out two glasses, and waited.
Would you like a free glass of wine, that was what she was going to ask him. And she'd give him the glass, and then . . . and then. . . .
“Really good wine, Berry. Can I buy a bottle?”
She snapped her head around. One of her special cups was empty, and it could only have gone into the belly of the grey mailmare.
Berry shrugged. It wasn't what she'd been planning, but—she lifted the other glass, swallowed it in one gulp, and looked Derpy right in the eyes.
One minute later, they were snogging; two minutes after that, Thunderlane peered over the edge of the booth just in time to see the two mares playing a game of flats.
King Sombra, Resurrected. Mrs. Cake. Slap, Slap, Kiss.
“Sombra!” The doors to the throne room slammed open as a stout, dumpy blue mare stormed into hall as quickly as her stubby little legs would take her.
“Ah, look,” Sombra purred in his deep, dripping voice, “a slave of mine thinks she has a spine.”
“I have more than a spine!” She thrashed. “You’ve gone too far now!”
“Oh, how so?” Sombra flowed off his throne like a serpent. “At what point did I go to far?” He chortled. “Was it when I enslaved the Crystal Ponies, again?”
“Worse.” She snarled.
Sombra poured down the stairs, flowing like black water.
“Was it when I cast down the Princesses of the Sun and Moon?”
“Worse.” Her eyes flared with rage.
“When I cast the Elements of Harmony into Tartarus?” He was suddenly before her like a crashing wave of darkness. “When I sacked Ponyville? When I took the alicorn babe from the arms of her screaming broken mother to raise as my own daughter, ignorant of the weak dam who sired her?”
Mrs. Cake said nothing.
“Or,” Sombra leaned down, his draconic muzzle and diseased, leaking eyes now parralel to Mrs. Cake’s own. “Was it when I killed your husband?”
Mrs. Cake cracked him across the face with a solid right hook.
Sombra staggered back, and snarled. Mrs. Cake struck him again. Then again.
They stared at each other, the most intense hate possible in their eyes.
Then then leapt upon each other, locking lips and falling into a pile of thrashing hooves and tongues.
~~~
“That was… nice.” Sombra grumbled as he took a drag on the cigarette.
“Oh it was, deary.”
“I admit, the second slap caught me a bit off guard.”
“Oh, I’m sorry deary! Sometimes I get a bit into the part, don’t you know.”
“No, no” Sombra grinned, placing the cigarette into the tray and pulling Mrs. Cake into a spooning position. “It was fine. That’s what the safe word is for. Honestly, the intensity of the roleplay is what really makes it.”
“Oh I know,” Mrs. Cake giggled. “You were so intense tonight. I’m really glad we did this tonight!”
“Oh, me too Cakey. This really was a splendid idea.”
“I’m glad I came up with it my Big Ole’ Shadow.”
Sombra growled and nipped at Mrs. Cake’s ear. She giggled and tried to wriggle away. Sombra finally got ahold of one which lead to Mrs. Cake giving out a happy squealed.
And then the door slammed open.
“I’m really glad you let me come to the Crystal Empire Anthrocon, sweetie. Really great to see all my friends again. Party was winding down though so I decided to come and see y-”
Mr. Cake finally turned around after placing down his bags and saw what was going on in his and his wife’s hotel bed.
