Introduction: So You've Found Yourself In The Body Of An Evil Overlord
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It happens more often than you'd think, strangely enough.
Suddenly finding yourself in the body of an evil overlord, I mean. I know what you're probably thinking. It's probably something like 'How in the world could that be physically possible?' Well, let me give you an honest answer: It's magic. That's all. What, you think there's some long, complex list of rules to magic? That there's some concrete set of laws that it has to follow? Nope. Magic is, by its very definition, something that contradicts the rules of reality. While there are some basic guidelines, such as 'Don't try to swallow an energy field larger than your head in one sitting', magic doesn't follow anybody's rules. That's probably why a lot of the most powerful wizards are insane in one way or another: If you are completely lacking in common sense, then you have no preconceptions, and as such will be more than willing to try things that common sense would normally tell you are impossible.
Anyway, if I tell you that something is magic, you'll have to accept that as an explanation, as I honestly and sincerely have no other means by which to explain that shit.
So, given that magic does whatever the fuckall it wants in any given situation, it's no surprise that crazy shit like getting stuck in the body of a villain happens fairly often. Really, it should be happening every second of every day. While not that common, thankfully, you've no doubt wound up, or are expecting to wind up in the near future, in a situation where you are going to be imitating an evil overlord for the foreseeable future. And I don't mean like an ordinary evil dictator: I mean like Sauron, Voldemort, Brona The Warlock Lord, guys like that. Guys with magic powers up the ass, and have an evil army of less powerful but similarly minded minions. Guys who will flay and sautee you if they find out that you've taken their master's place.
Now, odds are, you're just an ordinary dude, and you're not evil enough to pass as whoever or whatever you've found yourself as. If you actually are, then go ahead and put this guide down: There's nothing here that I can teach you that you don't already know. The purpose of this guide is to help those who are not suited for this kind of situation, yet find themselves in an evil overlord's body, as I did myself, and instruct them on how to survive.
Yeah, that's right, I found myself in the shoes of an evil overlord. In fact, it was the cloven hooves of a particularly nasty fellow named Grogar. Worse, though, was the fact that the realm I wound up in was actually already conquered by a villainous lass by the name of Nightmare Moon. And no, she wasn't interested in sharing. So, not only was I stuck in this situation, I also had to deal with another evil overlord who wanted my head on a silver platter... with my nuts on the side for garnish.
Now, if I just gave you a bunch of rules to follow, you'd probably forget about them inside of a week, and then you'd be be in a lot of trouble when any of the situations I encountered happen to you. So, instead, I'll relate to you all the tale of my sudden and unexpected arrival, and how I managed to deal with this unbelievable situation. It'll make you laugh, and maybe even cry, but it will help to engrave these lessons into your mind so that you'll remember them in case you end up where I've been.
Before I begin the tale proper, I'll need to give you a bit of background.
Now, many of you know about the realm of Equestria if you're reading this: I haven't yet worked out a way of transporting this book outside of the Equestrian chain of alternate universes, after all. It may be that you're on some distant, unrelated world and are thumbing through an old copy of the book in the distant future where that's been worked out, though, so I'll try to keep this prologue brief, but entertaining.
Once upon a time, there was a magical land filled with magical ponies. The name of this land was Equestria. Sadly, while this should have been a realm filled with sunshine, rainbows, and baby bunny rabbit kisses, it seemed that the fates were intent on taking a gigantic deuce on the lives of everyone who lived there. The residents were at the mercy of a metric fuckton of monsters that thought that ponies were both delicious and nutritious, or at least made good slaves. Thus, life in Equestria sucked more than that Mega-Maid spaceship from Spaceballs.
Now, occasionally, great heroes would appear and would be able to layeth the smacketh down upon the foul beasts ravaging the land. Gusty the Great, Starswirl the Bearded (Lots of guys with 'The' as a middle name, for some reason), and various others would come along, and for a little while, things would be great. But heroes usually have a very short shelf-life: They're mortal, like the rest of us. So, let's do some quick math.
Now, let's say a hero reaches the point where he can combat evil at the age of fifteen. Fantastic. Now, he's able to successfully fight evil until he's sixty-five. Even better! That's fifty years. After he's sixty-five, though, he no longer has the ability to fight, or he gets killed, or whatever. The problem is, a hero like this guy only comes along once every couple of centuries. This means that, regrettably, for the fifty years of prosperity brought about because of the hero, there will be one hundred fifty years of suck because of the monsters coming back, once they are sure that the evil-vanquishing hero is gone. And the monsters will be extra hungry, extra mad, and extra evil specifically because, hey, guess what? They had to hide for fifty years to keep away from that hero. A hero capable of defeating powerful immortal monsters is rare, so for the majority of such creatures, it was more of an inconvenience than anything else. But monsters hate being inconvenienced.
The main problem was, heroes were mortal, monsters were not. Monsters could just lay low and wait out the occasional hero, let him or her grow old and die, and then it would be business as usual. Typically, it was when the hero was unknown that monsters got vanquished left and right. Like with Grogar and Gusty the Great: Before sealing Grogar away, Gusty the Great was just Gusty. It took defeating Grogar to make Gusty great. If Grogar had known he was facing a hero, he'd have headed for the hills like everyone else.
Anyway, Equestrians weren't dumb: They could see the pattern just as well as the monsters could, and decided that it sucked. But what could they do? This wasn't Earth, where all you really need to make a hero is training, hard work, and exercise. No, this was Equestria, where every pony had their destiny branded on them when they turned five, and no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't change it. Destiny said that a hero could only come along once every couple of centuries, so there was no way of helping it. So, if destiny was going to be a fucking bitch, and fail to read the current situation, Equestria would have to do something to make sure that when they had a hero again, they didn't die and leave Equestria unprotected ever again.
Now, the details of what happened next are... lacking, to say the least. It has something to do with Harmony, some magical bullshit force that ponies have at their disposal that arbitrarily hands out immortality and superpowers to the 'deserving', using criteria that no one understands (Seriously, I've spent a lot of time researching 'Harmony', and that statement is the culmination of all my hard work). Somehow, Equestria managed to transform two ponies with the potential for heroes into 'alicorns', ponies with both the power of magic and the power of flight, as well as the power of the sun and moon, with a moderate form of immortality. They could die if they were killed, naturally, but they'd usually recover from any injury that didn't kill them outright. Thus, Equestria now had champions who could fight off the monsters, and keep them away: Alicorns never aged, never got sick, so they could effectively fight forever.
And for a while, life was fan-fucking-tabulous in Equestria. All of the current roaming monsters were sealed away in Tartaraus, a magical Super-Max prison that was almost impossible to escape from. The two alicorns ruled wisely and well. But then, a problem appeared...
It started simply enough: A batch of monsters appeared, all within a very short span of time: Lord Tirek, King Sombra (A pony, but he was more of a monster than any pony ever born), Discord, etc. The two alicorns, Celestia and her younger sister, Luna, dealt with these problems as best they could, but these monsters were stronger than normal. After many difficult battles, they prevailed. However, Celestia tended to get most of the praise for their respective accomplishments. This upset her younger sister a great deal, and Luna began to envy her sister. Sadly, unlike Jan in the Brady Bunch, she didn't go to her parents and complain about 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia'. Instead, she did what many teenage girls do when they feel that the world sucks and want to get attention: She dyed her hair black, radically changed the way she dressed, and changed her name to something uber-edgy, in this case, 'Nightmare Moon'. Then, she decided to try and kill her sister. Celestia loved her sister dearly, and tried to talk her down. However, when it became clear that Nightmare Moon was shooting to kill, the sun princess had no choice but to use Equestria's Fuck You/I Win Button, the Elements of Harmony, and sealed Nightmare Moon inside of the moon for one thousand years.
In the history many of you know, when Nightmare Moon emerged a thousand years later, she was purified by the Elements of Harmony, and returned to being Luna once more. But this story is not about the history you know...
Now, as most anyone knows about Equestria, there's multiple timelines out there, due to a mare named Starlight Glimmer deciding that monkeying with the timeline was the best way to get revenge on Twilight Sparkle. Now, while the original timeline was restored to its proper place, those alternate timelines persisted. That meant that there were timelines where all the great threats that Equestria had faced were victorious, or nearly so, and no one could do anything about them. Twilight Sparkle, not knowing any better, had gone on with her life, along with her new friend Starlight Glimmer, in the Prime Timeline, or to use a phrase coined by the guy who advised me to write this guide, PrimeTime. Meanwhile, everyone trapped in those alternate timelines was most assuredly fucked.
Multiverse theory is a bitch. Time does not, cannot, move just in a straight line: In order for time travel to exist at all, all alternate timelines must persist, or else you would paradox out of existence the second you went back into the past. What we perceive as the forward flow of events is merely one of countless currents, carrying us all along in the vast ocean of time.
In the universe that this story takes place in, the Sonic Rainboom never happened, Twilight Sparkle and friends never met, and the Elements of Harmony were never gathered. Thus, when Nightmare Moon came back to Equestria, Celestia was not able to stop her. The sun princess was sealed inside of the moon, and the kingdom was quickly dominated by the deranged moon goddess.
Nightmare Moon first faced an invasion of changelings: These guys saw what was going down and realized that a world without sun was a world without life, and a world without life was a world without love. And a world without love means a world that will quickly be without changelings. Thus, they fought, and Nightmare Moon fought back. The mad moon goddess slew their queen, and then raided the hive. While the hive was empty, she found the Queen's Throne, and the anti-magic effect it had. More the the point, she discovered after it was broken, the shards retained the properties of the larger throne, but with a much smaller radius. Thus, it was the perfect weapon to use against foes who would normally be much more powerful than herself... like Lord Tirek or Discord.
Discord was slain by a flurry of anti-magic arrows. He failed to recognize them for what they were until they failed to to turn into pigeons at the snap of a finger. Sadly, by the time he realized his magic wouldn't work against them, he was doing a very unpleasant impersonation of a pincushion. Lord Tirek died from an anti-magic ballista bolt to the chest. King Sombra, well, he just surrendered: He didn't want any of that shit to come his way. He may have had ways of cheating death, but an anti-magic dagger to the heart would mean he couldn't use any of them until it was removed.
Nightmare Moon disposed of every potential threat to her reign, and established a new palace in the Everfree Forest. Life was good... for her. At least for a few years...
Then, something unusual happened: An alicorn from an alternate timeline appeared. She wasn't there long, but Twilight's sudden appearance revealed that time travel was possible, and that the key resided in a table sitting in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Nightmare Moon spent weeks studying the table...
And discovered nothing. Even before she became Nightmare Moon, magical research was not Luna's strong suit. She needed an expert. And she knew where to find one.
The thoroughly wicked and unlikable pony by the name of King Sombra. She'd kept him alive, just in case he'd be useful later. He was only a pony, after all. A powerful one, to be sure, but compared to Nightmare Moon, being the world's most powerful unicorn was like being the world's most powerful chipmunk. Thus, he was set free, and set to work on the task before him: Unlock the secrets of time travel. Like Nightmare Moon, Sombra was evil, insane, and had a hard-on for absolute power. When Nightmare Moon offered him the chance to research time travel, he jumped at the opportunity: After all, if Nightmare Moon's timeline still existed after Twilight's dramatic departure, then Sombra could go back in time and create his own variant timeline, one where he ruled uncontested, and had done so for over a thousand years, without mucking up Nightmare Moon's timeline. Win-win.
However, much like Nightmare Moon, he couldn't get it to work. Go figure. The table wasn't the key, it was the lock... and they had no idea what kind of spell was needed to unlock it. It would take years, or even decades, to figure out an answer to this riddle.
However, their focus on getting time travel to function required them to work together on a project, one that would ultimately alter the fate of Equestria...
They couldn't work on time travel magic AND rule over the kingdom at the same time. A tyranny requires constant supervision, or else the natives get restless. Thus, they created something that would manage the kingdom in their stead: The Tantabus, a modified version of the creature powerful enough to exist in the real world. It would make sure that the kingdom was utterly and totally subjugated in Nightmare Moon's absence, so that no one could interfere with the research of the tyrant king and the mad moon deity.
However, the Tantabus viewed Nightmare Moon as its mother, and King Sombra as its father. And much like a child, the Tantabus wanted the attention and approval of her parents. However, how could she get it? Just ruling the country properly wasn't working: They didn't even bother responding to her weekly progress reports, in spite of the fact that the kingdom was running at peak efficiency. Something drastic was needed to get them to notice her. The Tantabus needed a serious crisis to appear, and then she had to defeat it. Then, she was sure, her parents would love her.
She figured out the perfect way to manufacture a crisis, one big enough to get the attention of both of her parents. And that way involved finding the treacherous Grogar, and the lost kingdom of Tambelon... and delivering his head to her parents on a silver platter.
Lesson One: The Beginning Is The Most Dangerous Time
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Lesson One: The beginning is the most dangerous time.
I've conducted a fair amount of research on this topic, so I can tell you without any fear of contradiction that this is true. While you'll be in danger for as long as you're in the evil overlord position, the start is the deadliest. The mortality rate for individuals entering the body of an evil overlord, or hell, any body that isn't their own, is highest within the first twenty-four hours. There's good reason for that: Let's say you suddenly find yourself at a dining table that you're completely unfamiliar with, with a big plate of food in front of you, and you're in a body that is ravenously hungry. Now, the guy who was in this body an hour ago would know to call for the royal food taster to test and see if the meal was safe to eat. However, you, being a complete outsider and unaware of the fact that your body's previous owner had a large number of enemies, would immediately tuck in, and promptly die of hemlock poisoning or something like that.
Of course, maybe you'll be lucky and find yourself in a body that has total poison immunity, but you get the point, I think: The fatality rate is highest at this point because you are sorely lacking in the knowledge that you'd need to avoid even the most obvious and trivial threats. Until you've had a chance to collect that knowledge, death can be only a heartbeat away.
Of course, compounding this issue is the fact that most individuals in this kind of situation will think that they are in some kind of a dream or hallucination for twenty-four to forty-eight hours. This means that, at a time when you should be at your most cautious and careful, the average person in this kind of situation thinks that they are perfectly safe.
There are exceptions, of course: One guy I know indicated that he arrived with a serious headache, and this killer migraine let him know to take the situation seriously from the word go. Because of that, the danger he was in was greatly reduced during the first twenty-four. Of course, he was still in a fair amount of danger, and would remain in that state for a good long while, but at least he avoided the worst case scenario.
But my situation was different: It would take me a while to realize that this was no dream. And I was in the most deadly of dangers from the very second I entered my new reality. However, the fact that I thought that I was dreaming or hallucinating actually worked in my favor...
Twilight Sparkle examined by lantern-light the pillars decorating the sealed entrance to the cavern: As one of the foremost experts in the kingdom in the field of Comparative Mythology, which these days also meant being an expert on the actual history of Equestria (Since myths and legends kept turning out to be one hundred percent true ninety-nine times out of a hundred, lately), she could tell that they were built around the time period her employer was interested in. But...
"Tell me, what do you see?" came a questioning voice behind her. The voice in question was distinctive, to say the least. It was like hearing the voice of a maiden's ghost singing in a graveyard: It might have been beautiful to hear, but there was an undertone to suggest that it was not of this world, and that it might be the last thing you ever hear before you leave this one.
Twilight Sparkle turned towards the speaker, and gulped. No matter how many times she saw it, she'd never get used to the Tantabus: It was, essentially, a pony shaped mass of magical energy. It had no eyes, no mouth, no face at all. In truth, it didn't even need to appear as a pony, but seemed to do so in part to unsettle anyone who saw it...
Clearing her throat, Twilight gestured towards the pillars, and said, "Mistress, these pillars do match the architecture of the era we're investigating, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. They could have been added later on, and the site itself is much older, or they may have been part of a much older structure, and there's a more recent settlement inside. Or maybe they were transported to this place after being pillaged from another settlement. I can't..."
The Tantabus held up a hoof, and Twilight Sparkle froze. The lack of a face meant that it was impossible to read the mood of this creature. For example, there was no way of knowing if it might be pondering whether or not it might like to make up for its lack of a face by wearing yours.
"You've made your point, scholar," the Tantabus said, its tone calm, serene. "I understand that the entrance alone will not be conclusive evidence. As the saying goes, 'It's what is inside that counts.' But knowing that the architecture is of the same era is a good start. But do you know what this entrance tells me?"
"What?" Twilight asked, curious.
The Tantabus gestured in a way to indicate the width and height of the entrance. "This opening is far too large to be intended for just a few individuals to pass," it began. And indeed, that statement was true: The entryway was several times taller than any pony could be, and wide enough that more than fifty could walk through it at once without brushing their shoulders against one another. Were it not hidden until recently by a massive pile of rocks and debris, it would have been visible from miles away. "It was clearly intended for heavy traffic, or perhaps even an army, and even a dozen dragons, given that the entrance is so tall. So, whatever is in this place, it is unlikely to be a small settlement: Perhaps it was a fortress, or a major population center. Perhaps even the capital of some great nation was housed within at some point in time."
Twilight nodded, keeping her mouth shut while the Tantabus continued. She didn't want to say anything that might annoy the creature who could destroy her in an instant.
"Likewise, look at these decorations," the Tantabus continued, "these pillars are carved with the faces of fearsome beasts. They are clearly intended to strike fear into anyone who enters this place." The entity took a moment to examine the door itself. "And the decorations on the door itself: While I cannot read the words written upon it, these designs are meant as a warning to anyone who tries to enter this place uninvited. A threat, or perhaps a promise of things to come." Dozens of horrendously graphic images decorated the doorway, each image depicting a pony being tormented in cruel and horribly inventive ways. The Tantabus pointed a hoof-like extremity towards the top of the entrance, and asked, "Would those words at the top read, 'Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here'?
Twilight paused, examining the letters for a moment (The eternal lack of sun made reading outside a challenge, to say the least), then said, "Actually, they say, 'Death And Worse Than Death Awaits Those Who Enter This Realm Uninvited'. But that was a very good guess."
The Tantabus nodded, then said, "Clearly, this entryway was intended to inspire fear in the hearts of any intruders. And the legends state that Grogar's magic drew power from that emotion. The more you fear Grogar, and Tambelon, the greater its power grows. Just looking upon this doorway would strike terror in all but the stoutest of hearts, and if this is Tambelon, then the moment you felt that sense of dread, Grogar would know you had arrived on his doorstep. No intruder can pass through these gates undetected." It paused, as if in thought, then added, "I have a good feeling about this place. Even if it is not Tambelon itself, I would not be surprised if it is somehow related to our search."
The horn-like protrusion from the head of the Tantabus glowed, and slowly, inexorably, the door began to open. Once it was opened all the way through, the entity gestured towards the troops gathered behind her, and the dozens of soldiers stormed the entrance and began advancing into the depths. After a few minutes, one soldier came back and said, "The entrance is secure, mistress... and we've found something we think you'll want to see."
As Twilight and the Tantabus walked through the passageway, heading further and further downward, the unicorn pondered the unfairness of it all. She'd been doing alright, even in the terrible place that the world had become, since she'd become a librarian in the Canterlot Royal Library. After Nightmare Moon had returned, and taken over Equestria, the capital had moved to the palace in the Everfree Forest. Twilight had remained in Canterlot Castle, and maintained the royal library, as Nightmare Moon's castle had no need for books: The entire Everfree Palace was a love letter to Nightmare Moon's favorite subject. Herself.
That was likely why Twilight was still alive at all: If Nightmare Moon ever saw Twilight, then an immediate execution would be the unicorn's fate, after what her alternate self had pulled. When the Tantabus had come into the library, demanding all the information available on Grogar and Tambelon, the dark entity had taken one look at Twilight, and recognized her: As a creature born of both Sombra's and Nightmare Moon's magic, she possessed all the knowledge of both. However, rather than execute Twilight, the Tantabus had put her to work, even taking the precaution of using magic to alter Twilight's color scheme. Instead of lavender, Twilight's coat was a light coffee color, and her mane and tail were blonde. Even her eye color had been changed, having been turned blue. She hated looking this way, but if Nightmare Moon ever saw what Twilight really looked like, she'd be dead...
And if Twilight ever did anything to anger the Tantabus, then that color change would immediately be reversed, and the unicorn would be dragged in irons to Nightmare Moon's current residence, a small fortress built around that thrice-cursed table she was researching... and then, it would be all over but the screaming.
To distract herself from the mess she was currently in, Twilight looked to the walls of the tunnel, which were illuminated by lantern light... and then immediately wished she hadn't: The decor carried a similar theme to the door outside, but the images were considerably more graphic. And unlike the ones on the gate, these were painted: The lack of moving air or sunlight had kept the colors as bright and vibrant as the day they'd first been painted. And the painters had been given plenty of opportunities to use the color red...
Twilight was glad that she'd skipped lunch. Sadly, she still had to sleep, and even a brief glance would be sufficient to give her nightmares for weeks.
"Not my favorite kind of scenery," the Tantabus admittedly, its tone still infuriatingly calm. "But if it is intended to instill fear, it would most certainly be effective... at least to fleshy individuals like yourself."
Twilight took a moment to reflect on that statement, recalling that there were worse fates, she supposed. The Tantabus was a creature of pure magical energy, and as such, it had no real substance. It could use telekinetic spells to life boulders and open gates that it would take dozens of ponies to open... but it couldn't lift a pebble with its own hooves, as its substance would just flow around it like water. Its body flowed as though it were made of liquid, and it lacked flesh, bone, and muscle, so its actual physical strength was non-existent. It also didn't actually see, hear, smell, taste, or feel anything, but instead had to rely upon magic to act in the place of the senses that it lacked.
To be forever trapped in a world that you could never see with your own eyes, hear with your own ears... or touch with your own hooves. That would truly be a fate worse than death.
Twilight's reflection was disturbed by a light appearing ahead. A few seconds later, a soldier appeared. He saluted, and said, "It is just ahead. We have scouts investigating the area, but it looks like there's no one here, and hasn't been for a long time."
The Tantabus asked, "What is it?"
"A city. A big one," the guard replied.
Calling what they saw a 'City' was an understatement of the greatest magnitude.
Ponies tend to forget just how... massive a mountain can be. Not in terms of simple height, but also width, and volume. Scholars had, over the years, argued over whether Tambelon was a city or an entire kingdom, due mainly to an archaic word, loosely translated as 'City-State', was used to describe the lost realm. Seeing it for herself, Twilight Sparkle could now understand fully why that word was used: Tambelon was a city built into a mountain, and was large enough that, by the standards of the age that was its prime, it was easily larger than any single city could be. It was a city that was a kingdom in its own right.
It was a city that was easily the size of Manehattan, with skyscraper-sized towers that went all the way up to the roof. There were more buildings in the city than Twilight could easily count, although she only stopped at two hundred. But perhaps most incredible was the sun.
Yes, a sun. At the center of the city was a massive palace-temple, and at its peak sat an orange-yellow globe, which released what could only be described as daylight into the city. Here, deep under the mountain, it was as bright as day...
Under other circumstances, Twilight might have wept at the mere sight of it. It had been so long since she'd see a light so bright.
"So that's what a sun is like," the Tantabus commented, before turning towards a nearby guard. "Has the central complex been secured?"
The guard saluted, and then admitted, "It is taking some time to get there: An initial search has revealed no signs of life, but we can hardly be expected to search a city of this size with a mere one hundred soldiers. We'd need a score of legions to be able to search this city in a day. We'll need weeks to secure the entire site..."
Twilight Sparkle piped in, saying, "I doubt that you'd find anything in the city, especially if it is Tambelon: Records indicate that when Gusty the Great defeated Grogar, all of the Troggles vanished, not just within Tambelon but in the entire world, all without a trace." At the look of confusion on the soldier's face, she added, "The Troggles were the servants of Grogar: It was a kind of catch-all term, and an insult as well. It was short for Troglodytes: Cave dwellers. In truth, there were about a dozen races that served Grogar, and while each race had a unique appearance, they all shared a subterranean origin." She paused, then added, "So, unless some kind of subterranean monster from the deeper depths has tunneled up into the city from underneath, this place should be completely vacant... and I doubt any kind of monster would stay long where there's literally nothing to eat."
The Tantabus stated, "A valid point. Recall your soldiers, and prepare to escort us to the central complex: If this is truly Tambelon, we should find Grogar there."
And find they did.
It had been a long walk through the city, and it had been a disturbing trip, given how every hoofstep echoed through the massive, silent cityscape. The fact that it was bright as day did nothing to ease the tension of the approach: Every building, every streetlight, even the cobblestones beneath their feet seemed to radiate menace. Had the city itself been decorated like the doors and hallway above, then nopony would have been able to continue forward. Instead, the architecture was very... austere. There were no decorations to be seen. Still, as it was, every step was a trial...
"Clever," the Tantabus said after a few minutes. "The entire city has an enchantment placed upon it, causing a sense of tension, of dread, to be felt by anyone within. It seems to be tuned specifically to ponies, though." Which meant that the Tantabus was immune.
Twilight, after a moment, asked, "I don't suppose you could nullify it?"
The Tantabus pondered this for a moment, then said, "Not at this time: I'd have to be near the source of the enchantment, and it seems to be coming from the faux-sun itself. Stopping the enchantment would require stopping that light, and I doubt you'd want to make this trip in the dark. Count yourself fortunate: At least the city is blanketed with a uniform level of 'fear': If the enchantment grew stronger as we approached the source, I doubt any of you would have made it this far." Turning to the leader of the guards, she ordered, "Advise your soldiers that the feeling they experience is an enchantment: I can't do anything to stop it, but knowing that it isn't 'real' should help them bear it."
It didn't help much, but after over an hour of walking, they finally reached the palace-temple at the center of the city. Like the rest of the city, it was bare of decoration. Somehow, the blankness of its halls made it more unpleasant than anything they'd encountered so far. This was a tyrant's seat of power, after all: They'd expected statues, tapestries, anything other than this unsettling emptiness. Sometimes, emptiness is far more frightening than presence.
"We'll need to stay together," Twilight advised the guards before they stepped in. "Scholars argue over the exact nature of the enchantment inside, but all of them agree that any intruder who tries to walk the halls of Grogar's palace alone never escapes alive. If the fear enchantment on the streets is still going strong after all this time, then I guarentee that whatever enchantments protect this palace will still be active as well... and will be a lot deadlier: Ponies might have been kept as slaves within the city, but they almost never entered the palace complex... at least by choice." She paused, then added, "But whatever it is, it only works on groups of less than five. So as long as you don't walk around in groups of four or less, you should be safe."
The commander turned towards the others and bellowed, "You heard the lady! Buddy system from here on out! You don't so much as turn a corner without at least four other ponies at your side! If you do, and you're still alive after, I'll kill you myself!"
It made for slow going, but all of them made it to the throne room: One thing that scholars didn't disagree on was the layout of the palace, and Twilight had made sure to bring a map. It took the better part of an hour, but they safely made it through.
And found Grogar himself.
The exact nature of Grogar's sealing had been a matter of much debate in scholarly circles. Some stated that it had been some manner of dimensional banishment. Others insisted that he'd been sealed inside of some manner of container. Others insisted that he'd actually been killed during the battle...
But the reality was quite different.
Grogar was not a massive giant like some might have expected. Instead, he was only only about the size of a large stallion. His size, however, was one of only two characteristics that could be made out in his current state: His entire body was covered in metal. Not armor, as that would imply it was intended for protection. The metal that encased his body was no more for defense than an iron maiden would be. There were no points of articulation, and each plate had clearly been welded together to make movement impossible. Grogar had practically been entombed within what was, for all intents and purposes, a skin-tight prison cell.
More impressively, the entirety of his goat-shaped cell was engraved with runes that, even now, millenia after being cast, still shone with power. Unlike many sealing spells, these were meant to last forever, not wear off after a single millenium or so. Runes like these were a literal lost art: No one remembered how to make them anymore, or how they worked. The magic containing Grogar was a treasure, and Twilight could have spent a lifetime studying them...
But more impressive than anything else was the fact that Grogar was still clearly alive in there.
The breathing was the first clue: In spite of not being much larger than a tall pony, Grogar's breathing was loud enough to have come from an elephant, or an adult dragon. It filled the room like a bellows pumping, in and out, in and out. It was deeply unsettling. But not so much as the second thing that could see of Grogar within that skin-tight cell.
His eyes.
Red as blood and with rectangular pupils, those eyes stared out at the world with seemingly endless malice. And yet, at the same time, they were... empty.
Twilight approached Grogar's 'casket', and waved her hoof in front of the eye-holes. Grogar's gaze didn't flicker for an instant, just staring straight ahead at nothing, with enough hatred that the unicorn was surprised her hoof didn't burst into flames as it passed through his line of sight.
"The lights are on," she said as she stepped away, "but I don't think anyone is home." Twilight considered that for a moment, then added, "Maybe because of the enchantments. I guess that makes sense: If he were awake, he might try to do something to escape. If he's locked inside of his own mind, then there's no way anything other than an outside force can free him..."
"How do we release him?" The Tantabus asked, its tone betraying excitement for the first time since their arrival.
Twilight pondered that question for a moment, then admitted, "Runes are one of the few things that can guarantee a permanent enchantment: As long as the rune exists, the spell remains in place. Breaking the rune breaks the spell, but I wager that a number of the runes on this prison act to shield the others from outside forces... including time. And a number of the proctective runes are protected by other runes, and those are protected by still more runes. There'd still have to be one unprotected rune that you'd have to break before you could start on the rest." Examining the runes carefully, she added, "I suspect you'd have to destroy at least half of these runes in a specific sequence, before you could actually begin the work of freeing him. Trying to attack them willy-nilly, or just trying to break the cage open by force would have... severe repercussions for anypony who tried. I don't know what any of these runes do, but if they were this serious about keeping him in, there's sure to be defenses intent on keeping anypony else out. It would take years to figure out the sequence safely..." And they only had enough supplies available to last a couple of weeks, currently.
A chuckle came from the Tantabus, and she said, "Of course. And they decided to keep him right here, instead of a vault in some other location, so that his own enchantments could work against him: In order to free Grogar, anyone wishing to try would have to clear a multi-ton rock slide, open gates weighing several tons, traverse a city cloaked in a spell meant to instill dread in any intruder, and then walk the halls of a palace where solitude equals death. And then they sealed him away in a prison that, without the proper knowledge, would take weeks, months, or perhaps even years to open." It chuckled again, and then said, mockingly, "Oh, how your ancestors must have feared him, to have gone to such lengths. But then, of course they did: Grogar clearly made a career out of terrifying ponies out of their wits."
With one last wry chuckle, the entity added, "But I suspect none of your ancestors considered the existence of a skeleton key..."
The Tantabus gestured towards the commander. With a formal motion, he brought forth a box, and then carefully set it down upon the ground. Meanwhile, the soldiers began taking positions around the sealed Grogar, readying crossbows with bolts tipped with a mineral that Twilight didn't recognize.
"Do you recall the changeling invasion, scholar?" The Tantabus asked, conversationally.
"I remained in Canterlot, mistress," Twilight replied, "so I know little about how Nightmare Moon subjugated them."
"It was a rather dull little war," the entity replied, as the soldiers continued preparations. "Once the queen was dispatched, the rest of the army dispersed with little trouble. Nightmare Moon then led her armies to the hive. While it was found to be vacant, the changelings still missing to this day, Nightmare Moon's forces did find something interesting within: A throne made from a rare mineral that blocks all magic, save that of changelings. Whole, it was able to block even Nightmare Moon's might. Once she had her soldiers shatter it, its power was greatly diminished. However, diminished isn't the same as absent."
The soldiers were now fully in position and prepared to fire on signal. The commander opened the box, and brought out small sack, carefully sealed shut. He handled it gingerly, as if its contents might explode. Or as if he might be slain outright if he tried to use it for anything other than what he was told to use it for.
"Most of the pieces were quite small," the Tantabus explained. "Small enough to be able to be formed into arrowheads. A perfect mage-killing weapon: It will nullify any magical barrier it comes across, and once it strikes home, it will make the target unable to use magic at all. Even Discord could not counter it. Nightmare Moon had a much larger chunk lodged into a ballista bolt, and used it to slay Lord Tirek. But as useful as it is as a mage-killing weapon, the pulverized form of the mineral will be what is needed here."
The commander carefully began sprinkling the contents of the pouch upon the runes that sealed Grogar inside his metallic tomb. As the dust hit each rune, it went dead instantly...
No trap was sprung, no defensive magic triggered. The rune went dead without any consequences. Clearly, the idea of anti-magic had been foreign to anyone who had designed this prison cell built for one.
"Once Grogar is released," the Tantabus continued, "I'll be able to strike him down without fear of any of the... 'severe repercussions' you mentioned. With the knowledge you've given me, along with what we've found here, I'll... manufacture an incursion by this dread overlord of lore, and then 'vanquish' the evildoer, to the cheers of ponies across the land. Then, once completed, I'll present them with the head of one of the most legendary evils to ever haunt this realm. I'm certain that both Nightmare Moon and King Sombra will be pleased to see that I could handle even a threat of this magnitude on my own."
Somehow, Twilight couldn't help but feel like that last sentence sounded like an abused filly saying, "Once they see what how well I did, mommy and daddy are sure to love me." Fat chance of that, she thought privately: Nightmare Moon loved only herself, and King Sombra was much the same, if not worse...
After the commander had sprinkled nullifying dust on over a quarter of the runes on the prison, they all suddenly went out at once, and the loud breathing suddenly stopped, as if cut off with a knife. The commander backed away, which was for the best, as the metal shell encasing Grogar suddenly exploded off of him, metal flying in every direction. The room was choked with dust, which took several minutes to clear.
And then...
And then, there stood Grogar himself. Blue of coat and black of hoof and horn, with eyes as red as the blood of his slain enemies. The most wicked villain to ever roam Equestria stood before them, silent and unmoving.
After a few seconds of disconcerting silence, Grogar's red eyes blazed, and swept the room. Then, he spoke, in a voice like something from the deepest depths of Hades itself...
"Who... Dares...?"
I will freely admit, I've spent years refining what I call my 'Scary Voice', but what some of my admirers online simply called 'OHSHITRUN!'. It's a masterpiece: I've successfully made grown men wet themselves and/or shit themselves with it, with no electronic assistance whatsoever. No joke: A guy actually did that while live-streaming a fight against me. I had to give him a fifteen minute time out so he could change his pants.
Ah, I should explain a little bit before we continue: You see, that voice was my bread and butter. In each alternate timeline, events happened differently, not just in Equestria, but on all worlds, including Earth. On the Earth you inhabit, no one probably ever had the bright idea of a horror-themed fantasy MMORPG, and definitely not of having one where the bosses of the higher level dungeons (As well as the dungeons themselves) are managed, not by an AI, but from a living, breathing human being. One who arranges the enemy encounters personally, hand-tailored for each party, and fights the boss battle against players in real time (This meant, of course, that the high level dungeons were 'reservation only, but players didn't seem to mind if it meant such an exceptional and unique experience each time they played). That means that there were no 'patterns' that a player can exploit, no bugs that can be utilized to make the battle easier. Every battle is unique, and since the boss is voiced by the guy controlling it, even the dialogue will vary from situation to situation.
And in no small part due to my 'OHSHITRUN!' voice, my dungeon was very, very popular. The game was horror themed, after all, and not in the 'sparkly vampire and buff werewolf' way. I mean the 'they actually have a medical waiver in the terms of use agreement in case you get a heart attack playing this sucker' scary. It was the first MMORPG to fully utilize VR, and that, combined with the monsters, the environment, the overall atmosphere, the whole bundle, it made for an extremely tense and exciting experience for the players. The fact that I could provide narration in my scary voice even as players were navigating the dungeon helped enrich the experience. Players rated my dungeon the most exciting five years in a row.
Of course, being that popular is a curse, sometimes: Just before this whole thing began, the developers began a three day event, I was asked to keep my dungeon open twenty-four hours a day for that time. I could have just asked someone to fill in so I could sleep, but my fans wanted the experience that I provided, and I hated disappointing my fans.
Seventy-two hours of uninterrupted consciousness. I'd pulled that once in college, I thought I could do it again. And I did. Somehow. Sitting in my desk, leaving only to do a quick potty break or snack break, I terrified my fans as I kicked ass, and occasionally got my ass kicked. But the second, and I mean, the literal second I completed the job, I passed the fuck out.
And when I woke up, I was surrounded by ponies.
I'd hallucinated weirder things over the last eight hours of my seventy-two hour marathon, so, my mind in a haze, I thought that I was still working. So, I immediately went into 'Dungeon Master' Mode, and got started.
"Who... Dares...?"
When you're wanting to scare people, sometimes less is more. Jason Vorhees of Friday the 13th, Michael Myers of Halloween, and Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, none of them ever talk at all (Although Leatherface grunts and yells a bit, he never actually says anything), and they're all scary as fuck. Sometimes, just one or two words can have more of an impact than an entire Steven King novel.
In this case, the reaction was immediate, and startling: Nearly all of the ponies dropped their weapons and fled in terror, save two: One, a coffee colored unicorn, flat out fainted. The other, a mass of some smoke-like substance in pony form, looked around in seeming confusion, as if to say, 'Did that just really happen?'
Well, that makes three times I've made people say 'Fuck this shit, I'm out' at the start of a boss fight...