Getting Their Just Desserts
"Private Sentry!"
Flash Sentry's ears flattened and he suppressed a groan as he heard that all-too-familiar voice shout at him, echoing off the tiled walls of the barracks bathroom. That voice could only mean one thing—Sergeant Steel Wing and Corporal Flintlock had come up with some new way to make his life harder.
Ever since Flash had become the personal "playmate" of Princess Cadance and Shining Armour, with a new well-fed body to go with it, the reactions from his fellow Crystal Guards had been rather mixed. Most of them were happy for him. Some openly admitted their jealousy towards him, which they expressed in the form of playful ribbing and teasing. But Steel Wing and Flintlock? They made their jealousy clear in a way that was anything but playful. They had taken it upon themselves to torment Flash whenever they could, gleefully abusing the fact that they both outranked him. It only ever happened when they were alone, so any complaint Flash could have made would just boil down to his word against theirs. Today, Flash had been stuck on latrine duty, so his day was already going badly enough without-
"Stand to attention, soldier!" Steel Wing snapped, his purple wings bristling with self-righteous authority. Flash quickly pressed a hoof against his mane to straighten it out, then stood up as straight as his three hundred-plus pound bulk would allow, painfully aware of how obviously his fat was bulging around the sides of his armour.
"Well, if it isn't Private Porker," Flintlock sneered, poking Flash hard in the side of his gut while Flash did his best not to wince. "I'm amazed you managed to find time to do your duties in between stuffing your fat face."
"Flintlock!" Steel barked, smirking at Flash. "Go check the latrines. They'd better be spotless, private."
Flash swallowed and simply nodded. Flintlock made a big show of inspecting the steel toilet bowls in minute detail, before stopping at one and letting out an exaggerated gasp of fake shock.
"Sarge!" he exclaimed. "Looks like somepony didn't get all the stains off this toilet bowl."
"Is that so?" Steel grinned sadistically.
"No," Flash blurted, flaring with sudden anger. "I did-"
"Are you talking back to me, soldier?" Steel roared, pushing his face into Flash's so they were mere inches away, Flash being able to smell the cheese on his breath.
"No," Flash mumbled. "Sergeant," he quickly added.
"Good," Steel said, smiling nastily. "Now, since you did such a poor job on the latrines, I expect you to be up nice and early to do it all again tomorrow. How does 0500 hours sound?"
Flash looked at Steel, feeling hatred for him bubbling deep within. Gods, he wanted nothing more than to knock every tooth out of his smug face... "Fine, sergeant," he replied quietly.
Steel snorted. "Come on, Corporal. Let's leave fatty here to finish up his work."
"Try not to eat the urinal cakes!" Flintlock called. Their cackling could be heard fading away with distance as Flash slumped down on the tiled floor, looking utterly miserable.
Then, a small smile broke out across his face as he reached up into his mane, pulling out a small tape recorder. He knew somepony who would be very interested to hear the exchange he'd just caught on tape.
"This is very serious business," Shining said, his plump cheeks contorted by a deep frown as he studied the tape recorder on his desk. "Very serious business indeed."
"I'd have told somepony sooner," Flash said, "but I didn't have any evidence, and, well..."
Shining smiled slightly. "And a private's word against a sergeant's doesn't exactly bode well, does it?"
"Nope," Flash agreed.
"Well, don't worry, Flash," Shining said, placing a hoof on the desk. "I won't stand for this kind of abuse towards anypony in the Guard, much less a close friend of mine." He motioned to the tape recorder. "Mind if I keep this?"
"Be my guest," Flash nodded. "So, what should I do?"
"Head back to the barracks for now," Shining said, "and leave those two to me. I need hardly add that you're not on latrine duty tomorrow. You available for dinner later on?"
"Sure," Flash smiled.
"Great! See you then."
Once Flash had left, Shining placed a hoof on his chins. He hadn't been kidding when he said this was a serious matter. Respect and fraternity were two of the central tenets of the Crystal Guard, and a guard abusing his rank to bully a subordinate like this was no laughing matter. Shining briefly ran down a list of possible punishments in his head—demotion, suspension without pay, reassignment to Outpost Bravo in the coldest part of the Crystal Mountains...
Then Shining gasped, his eyes widening as a new idea sprang into his head. It was a rather unorthodox idea... okay, an incredibly unorthodox one. But if it was possible, it would soften Steel Wing and Flintlock's coughs like nothing else.
Groaning, Shining heaved his four hundred-pound bulk to his hooves and waddled slowly out of his office. There was somepony who he needed to pay a visit.
"Transformation spells?" Sunburst repeated, adjusting his glasses on his nose. "Why would you need to know transformation spells?" He and Shining were sitting in Sunburst's cluttered home, the couch looking almost comically small under Shining's massive frame.
"And restoration spells," Shining added. "I'm looking to teach those two a lesson here, not commit murder."
"Um, okay," Sunburst said, swallowing. "Ah... do you mind telling me exactly what you have in store for these two?"
"This is strictly on the QT, understand?" Shining said.
"Of course," Sunburst nodded. "Whatever you say won't leave this room."
"Well," Shining said, smiling. "You know how Flash, Cadance and I have a... special arrangement, right?"
"Right," Sunburst replied.
"Well, Flash and I both love to eat," Shining continued. "Steel Wing and Flintlock have been bullying Flash because he loves to eat. I'm asking for some transformation and restoration spells..." He chuckled. "Are we both doing the math here?"
The gears in Sunburst's head turned for a moment, before his eyes widened. He placed a hoof to his mouth and let out a barrage of muffled laughter.
"Oh Celestia," he gasped, still laughing. "That... is one of the most wonderfully evil things I've heard in my life."
"I know," Shining replied, grinning widely. "And if this doesn't knock them down a peg, nothing will."
"Okay, okay..." Sunburst got up and headed over to one of his many overflowing bookshelves. "Just let me take a look here."
Presently, he returned bearing two books—one a red tome bearing the image of a half-naked tree on its cover; the other, a yellow book with a picture of a phoenix. He opened both of them up and beckoned Shining closer to have a look.
"This spell," he explained, pointing to the red book, "will allow the caster to turn the subject into a foodstuff of their choice. As you can see, the subject will still be alive during it—essentially, they'll be half pony, half food. Once you've done that, you need to cast this spell on them..." He pointed to the yellow book. "...which will restore any damage done to them within about a second of the damage occurring. Badabing, badaboom. Two infinitely self-sustaining living foodstuffs."
"Sunburst, you're a miracle worker," Shining smiled, taking the two books. "I've already talked about this with Cadance. I trust her far more with these spells than I do myself."
"No problem," Sunburst replied, waving cheerfully as Shining waddled off. "Oh, and Shining? I want pictures."
A few hours later, both Shining and Cadance were looking daggers at the two stallions across from them. Neither of them spoke, simply allowing Steel Wing and Flintlock to sweat for a bit. Finally, Shining broke the silence.
"Now, Sergeant Steel Wing," he said, his voice cold, dangerous. "Would you be so kind as to tell me what this is?"
He pointed to the wall behind him, which proudly bore the flag of the Crystal Guard. Below the insignia of a pony clutching a spear flanked by two olive branches were the words Loyalty, Courage, Respect.
Steel swallowed. "It's the flag of the Crystal Guard, sir."
"Very good," Shining said. "Now, Corporal, would you be so kind as to read the words at the bottom of the flag for me?"
Flintlock cleared his throat. "Um... it says 'loyalty, courage and respect,' sir."
"That's right," Shining said, raising his voice slightly. "The three central tenets of the Crystal Guard. The tenets that everypony, from our newest recruits to our most seasoned officers, swears to follow and live by. Now, call me radical for saying this, but I don't believe that repeatedly bullying and harassing one of your fellow soldiers, while abusing your positions of authority to do so, falls under any of those headings. Wouldn't you agree?"
Flintlock closed his eyes and groaned, but Steel managed to maintain his composure.
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
Shining frowned at him. "Granted."
"Sir," Steel said beseechingly. "I can assure you that whatever this is, it's a huge misunderstanding. Corporal Flintlock and I would never abuse our authority in any manner. This is probably some new meat who still has trouble understanding orders from-"
"Sergeant, don't even bother trying to weasel your way out of this one," Shining interrupted, flaring his nostrils. "We have evidence, right here. Cadance, would you please?"
Cadance's horn glowed as she held up a tape recorder. "This was brought this to my husband earlier this morning," she said coolly, pressing play on the recorder. Immediately, the entire exchange between Flash, Steel and Flintlock—the teasing, the threats, the laughter—was played for the whole room to hear. Steel's face turned as purple as an eggplant, while Flintlock looked ready to collapse there and then.
"I... that... how..." Steel spluttered, his voice rising an octave or two. "He... he was recording us?"
"Yes, he was," Shining snapped. "And now we have incontrovertible proof that you two willingly and knowingly harassed and bullied him. Under any other circumstances, you'd be halfway to Outpost Bravo by now. However..." He smiled. "Since you did this to a personal friend of mine, I settled on a more... personal punishment."
The two soldiers' eyes widened as Cadance's horn began to glow...
"Flash?" Shining asked, poking his head in the barracks door. "Would you mind coming to my office, please?"
Flash slid off his bunk. "Did you...?"
"Yes, I did," Shining smiled. "Now, I'd like you to come see them for yourself."
Flash waddled after Shining as they made their lumbering way to his office, savouring the thought of seeing those two plotholes being put in their place...
Then Shining opened the office door, and Flash's jaw nearly cracked the marble with how quickly it dropped.
Inside the room were two large cakes—one chocolate, one vanilla. What really got Flash's attention, however, was the fact that there was a head sticking out of the top of both cakes, made of the same spongy material as the rest of the cake, their manes dripping with melted chocolate and icing. They both looked at Flash with eyes filled with equal parts hatred and humiliation.
"Whaaaaaa?" Flash gasped.
"I know this must be a bit of a shock," Shining said smoothly, "so I'll try and run it down as quickly as possible. These, as you can probably tell, are Steel Wing..." He pointed to the chocolate cake. "...and Flintlock." He pointed to the vanilla cake.
"Shining!" Flash choked. "You can't... I mean, we're not going to..." He gave Shining a quick scan for any signs that he'd been replaced by a changeling.
"Don't worry," Shining said consolingly. "They're quite safe. Watch this..."
Both Flash and Steel shrieked as Shining dug out a lump of cake from Steel's side. Almost instantly, however, the hole was filled by more cake, as if it had never been touched.
"I've decided that the best punishment for them would be for them to spend five minutes with us," Shining said. "After they humiliated you, I thought it was only fair that they feel a bit of humiliation themselves."
Flash gulped. "And... you're completely sure it's safe?"
Shining frowned. "Flash, please. You know I would never put my own stallions in unnecessary danger. I've checked and triple checked. Believe me, it's safe."
Flash swallowed again, before nodding. "Um... okay. Five minutes, right?"
"Five minutes," Shining confirmed.
His fears alleviated, Flash smiled slightly as he eyed up Steel. "Is it okay if I take him?"
"Be my guest," Shining grinned, as he stepped over to Flintlock.
Flash leaned down and looked Steel in the eyes. "Um... hi, Sarge."
"You backstabbing little sneak," Steel hissed furiously.
Flash experimentally dug a minuscule slice out of the top of Steel's cake, watching as it immediately grew back. Tentatively, he placed it in his mouth. To his surprise, it actually tasted excellent. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, exactly, but he was pleasantly surprised nonetheless.
"Pretty tasty, huh?" Shining laughed, chewing on a bite he'd taken from the rear of Flintlock.
Now that he was certain there was no danger involved, Flash began to get into what he was doing. He began to take larger bites from Steel, watching as every bite instantly grew back into cake. As he chewed, he couldn't resist leaning towards Steel's spongy ear.
"Horseshoe's on the other hoof now, huh, Sarge?"
Steel growled, but said nothing, focusing on the feeling of being turned into a cake. It was... downright surreal. If Steel had to compare it to something, it felt like being packed full of warm cotton wool, only heavier. The bites being taken out of him felt... odd, too. They weren't painful, but he could feel that something wasn't right, rather like being under a local anaesthetic. But dwarfing all of that was the sheer humiliation he felt at being used like this. This was so demeaning... just as demeaning as it was for Flash, he was sure.
Well played, Captain, he thought bitterly. Well played.
Flash and Shining continued to eat in silence for the next few minutes, until a loud ding! sounded from an egg timer on Shining's desk.
"What's that?" Flash asked.
"Time's up," Shining replied, getting to his hooves. "Now, you two, do you have anything you want to say to Flash?"
Steel and Flintlock looked at him, shamefaced. "We're sorry," they mumbled.
"And I trust you'll take those three tenets more to heart from now on," Shining said, sounding satisfied. "Princess Cadance will be up to change you back momentarily. Flash, you can go."
"Thanks, Shining," Flash said, as he headed out.
"Anytime, buddy," Shining grinned.
Flash chuckled to himself as he headed back to the barracks. This was going to make for some awkwardness at roll call the next morning...
END