After losing their lives in a sacrifice, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon find themselves in Hell. They're not happy and they're letting every demon around them know it. As luck would have it there just might be a way or two for them to get back.
After losing their lives in a blood sacrifice, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon find themselves in Hell. They're not happy and they're letting every demon around them know it.
As luck would have it there just might be a way or two for them to get back home.
Follow these two ponies as they travel across the afterlife, trying to figure out how to return to Ponyville... And maybe get a little revenge while they're at it.
Chapter 1: There and Back Again and Then There Again
-oooooo-
Deep in a place touched not by the light of the sun, or any light save those created by burning fires and molten earth that churned without end, hidden even from those whose presence touches just about everything, two damned ponies suffer through their eternal torment and despaired.
“You call that stabbing with a hot poker?!”
“Yeah! And this roiling tar is taking forever to boil my skin off!”
Because they were bored.
“I wouldn’t even call that ‘poking!’”
“Seriously, get this tar hotter. I know we all have eternity, but that’s no excuse to be sloppy.”
Very, very bored.
A towering, hulk of a bipedal creature stood between an irritated pink filly chained to a jagged rock wall and an equally irritated looking grey filly in a pit of bubbling tar. Tears streamed from the brutes eyes down a massive pig snout and past giant tusks, each one evaporating into steam long before it reached the pitch black ground. In one hand he held a massive hooked fire poker which was glowing red hot at the end. He wiped his free arm across his eyes. “Look! I’m trying my best to torture you both at once, but you’re not making endless torment any easier!”
“Well your best sucks!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Maybe you should be, like, practicing on babies first.”
Silver Spoon glanced up from her tar pit. “I don’t think babies usually end up in Hell, D.T.”
“Really? Well where do they put all the dead ass babies? They have to go somewhere.”
Silver Spoon shrugged. “Heaven, I guess.”
“That’s the place you said was like the opposite of this place, right?”
Silver Spoon nodded.
“Week!” Diamond Tiara replied. “Why do a bunch of crying babies get to be pampered while we’re stuck with these second-rate tortures who can’t even inflict excruciating pain right?!”
The massive demon shifted uncomfortably. “Uh girls… Imma… Imma gonna take my break. This whole conversation is really offensive and kinda hurtin’ my feelings over here…”
“Like I care.” Diamond Tiara replied rolling her eyes. “I can barely tell the difference between being tortured and just hanging here.”
“Bring hotter tar when you come back!” Silver Spoon demanded as she lifted a smoldering forehoof out of the muck. “I know it’s hard, but try not to embarrass yourself.”
The demon sniffled and began trudge off. “O…okay…” it said weakly.
Shackled to a jagged wall with spiky rocks jabbing into her back, Diamond Tiara sighed. “How long do you think this is supposed to take?”
From her boiling tar bath, Silver Spoon glanced upwards as she thought about this. “Well… I think we’re in Hell, so… somewhere between Judgment Day and eternity.”
“Eterenity?!” Diamond Tiara shrieked.“I’m supposed to get my tiara’s diamonds switched out next week! I can’t stay here that long! Judgment day better be before that!”
“I wouldn’t hold your breath. I mean… No one knows when Judgment Day is supposed to come. It’s just when Morning Star makes his big move. It could be anytime…”
“Seriously?” Diamond Tiara said in a huff. “He really needs a day planner. How long has it been since he knew there’d be a Judgment Day.”
“Well, it was written about many centuries ago, so…”
“WHAT?! Talk about procrastination! What’s he waiting for?!”
“I think ponies are supposed to be rife with sin and wickedness is supposed to flood the streets, or something,” Silver Spoon said.
“Oh my gosh! That’ll probably take forever!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Stupid gentle and love filled ponies… We’re never going to get out of Hell…”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that…”
The girls look up as a tall, slender blood red demon with six wings smiled at them from behind a clipboard. He wore a smart black suit around his body and ten horns adorned the top of his head like a crown.
“Finally! The manager!” Diamond Tiara said in a huff.
Silver Spoon’s eyes went wide. “D.T., he’s the King of Hell! The Accuser! The Author of All Sin! The Prince of Darkness himself! You can at least try showing a little respect!”
“Oh my gosh, Silver Spoon. Just ask to marry him, already!”
Silver Spoon blushed heavily as she looked up at the Devil. “Sorry sir… She’s not really well versed on all this afterlife stuff. Most ponies tend to focus on our princess back home.”
The Devil held up a dark red hand which ended in black claws. “No worries. Most people I meet aren’t exactly happy to see me.”
“Hey!” Diamond Tiara said. “Stop shooting the breeze down here in mediocre torture land and get a move on this Judgment Day! Ponies have things to do!”
The devil nodded. “You two certainly do. We’re sending you two back.”
“Well it’s about time!” Diamond Tiara answered.
“Really?” Silver Spoon said. “Just like that?”
“Yep!” The Devil answered as he checked something off his clipboard. With a puff of yellowish black smoke and the sound of thousand souls crying in pain, a pointed quill of bone fell into his hand. The back end of the quill burst into flames as it touched his hand.
“Some pony misspoke the words when using the Necronomicon,” the Devil explained casually. “Happens all the time, but this happened in Ponyville so that means the local dead come back to extract revenge on the living.” He looked up. “This includes you two.”
“Oh good!” Diamond Tiara said happily. “We’ve got lots of revenge to extract.”
The Devil nodded. “I’m sure you do.” He snapped his fingers and the jagged rock wall, shackles, and tar all burst into pillars of flames that consumed everything around them. The girls shrieked as horrific burning pain consumed them down to their bones before they found there skeletal bodies lying on the pitch black ground of Hell.
“Wow…” Diamond Tiara said as muscles, skin, than fur suddenly grew back over her skeleton. “This guy sure knows how to get stuff done.”
“… I think I want Brutus the Skinflayer back…” Silver Spoon muttered with wide eyes.
“That big pig guy? You actually know his name?” Diamond Tiara asked.
Silver Spoon shrugged. “It doesn’t hurt to learn the names of the demons torturing us, you know.”
Diamond Tiara cocked an eyebrow. “Well, I don’t see how it helps, either.”
“Girls,” The Devil interrupted, “I’d love to sit here and torture you from now until the universe dies of heat death, but I’ve got stuff to do.” He raised his clawed hand as if to snap it again. “So back to reign terror on the living you go.”
The girls both flinched as they looked at the raised hand.
“Wait!” Silver Spoon pleaded. “Isn’t there another way to get back?”
“Yes,” the Devil answered simply before snapping his fingers.
The girls pained cries echoed throughout the cavernous emptiness of the land of the damned as they were once again consumed by flames.
-ooo-
“Well that sucked…” Diamond Tiara said as pitch black smoke cleared from around her.
Silver Spoon coughed a few times. “Well, it was a bit much to expect Mourning Star himself to be nice about sending us back.”
“If you say so,” Diamond Tiara said rolling her eyes. “I’m still giving that place the worst review ever when we get home. No one is going to want to go there when my review gets published.”
Silver Spoon sighed and shook her head causing the smoke around her to disperse slightly.
“I think I’ll name my article, ‘Why Hell sucks bad!’”
Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. “Yeah. I’m sure no pony will every want to step hoof in that place after reading your article.”
Diamond Tiara looked around. “Well I can’t start writing until we’re home. Do you know where we are? I’m having trouble figuring out where this is in town with all these skeletons and ponies running and screaming everywhere!”
The girls surveyed the area around them as the last wisps of black smoke disappeared into the chaotic air of Ponyville. Bodies, some completely skeletal, some still with dirty and decayed flesh still stuck to the bones lumbered about harassing and attacking the panicked population of the small town who ran about in all directions.
A yellow earth pony collapsed in front of Silver Spoon, begging for help as a large skeletal pony overpowered her and brought its maw closer to her face.
Silver Spoon ignored the scene in front of her and stared at the rows of multi-story thatched roofed homes. “Well… parts of Ponyville do look a bit same-ie. Especially the not rich parts.”
Diamond Tiara’s eyes went wide as she scanned her surroundings. “You mean… we’re—” she gulped “—we’re in the poor part of town?!”
The yellow pony screamed as the skeleton attacking her sunk her teeth into her neck. The scream soon turned into a gurgle as blood sprayed up onto Diamond Tiara.
“Eww! I got poor pony blood on me!” Diamond Tiara said. “Quick! We need to jump in the pool before I’m infected with poor!”
Silver Spoon looked at her friend’s chest intently. “I think that’s the least of your problems.”
Diamond Tiara looked down at her chest. Dried blood covered it and there was a gaping hole in the center of it. “Oh what the heck! Did somepony try to steal my rich-pony organs to replace there ratty-ass poor ones?”
Silver Spoon gave Diamond Tiara a serious look. “I don’t think you know how bodies work.”
“I know that my body is missing some valuable pieces.”
“Well… that’s true, but not for the reasons you think.” Silver Spoon said as she sat on her back legs and examined the hole in her own chest. “I think we’re still dead.”
Diamond Tiara let out an irritated groan. “Is nothing going to go right today?! This is just so inconvenient!” Diamond Tiara cried as a pink pegasus mare fell screaming from the sky as a swarm of tiny pegasi skeletons swarmed her.
‘CRACK!’
The girls turned as a pony’s skull rolled across the ground in into the swarm of small pegasi skeletons sending bones everywhere. They looked back to where the skull had rolled from to see a light tan earth pony mare with long brown hair and a tail, both with their own red band holding them together. The mare kicked it’s hind legs and swung its bat at any undead unfortunate enough to get close to her. Each hit from her hooves or bat left another skeleton or zombie broken and smashed, often beyond the capacity to move.
Diamond Tiara squinted noting a pink heart with a bottle in front of it on the ponies flank. “Hey, I think that’s Button’s mom. You know… the mom of the pony that killed us?”
Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. “Thanks. I was having trouble remembering the little blank-flank that slit our throats.”
“I bet she knows where Button is,” Diamond Tiara said as she began to trot up to her.
“Yeah, but—D.T.! Wait! What are you doing?!” Silver Spoon cried as she trotted up to Diamond Tiara.
“Hello uh… Button’s mom…”
“What?! You two?!” Button’s mom exclaimed. She looked the fillies up and down. “Oh… you came back with the rest of the dead ponies.”
“Diamond Tiara, what are you—?!”
Diamond Tiara turned and shushed Silver Spoon. “Give me a second, alright?” She turned back to Button’s Mom. “Yeah, we’re back and thirsting for revenge, or whatever.”
Diamond Tiara smacked herself in the face so hard her glassed went crooked.
Diamond Tiara continued. “Could you tell us where your son is? And maybe his friends while you’re at it?”
Button’s mom jaw dropped. “… You can’t be serious,” she replied.
“SHRRRREEIAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”
Button’s Mom quickly reared up onto her hind legs and brought her bat down on a massive skeleton of a stallion. Its skull cracked and its spine shattered as it fell to the ground in a heap of other bones around the mare.
“Wow! Rude!” Diamond Tiara said. “Anyhow, could you hurry up and tell us where Button and those stupid Crusaders are? I’ve got to get my dad to get somepony to fix the holes in me and my friend’s chest.”
“My friend and mine!” Silver Spoon corrected in irritation.
“Whatever! We have stuff to do and I really want to get murdering Button Mash and those other girls out of the way!”
Silver Spoon brought both her forehooves up to her face hard and shook her head.
Button’s mom paused, regarding the two fillies with a blank expression. A wicked grin crossed her face as she stood up on her hind legs and brought her bat over her head.
‘WACK! WACK!’
-ooo-
“Smart, D.T.! Reaaal smart!” Silver Spoon said as she picked herself up the barren black ground.
Diamond Tiara also got up. “Well, how was I supposed to know she was going to kill us both just for asking about her son?”
“You wanted to kill him! You said it out loud,to her face!”
“He killed us first!” Diamond Tiara cried. “I just thought it was fair! Poor people are always whining about what’s fair!”
“She’s not going to let us just kill her son! She hates us and loves him!”
“I would have paid her, geez!”
“You can’t just solve all your problems with money!” Silver Spoon cried.
“Pfffft… Shows what you know.” Diamond Tiara said dismissively. She sighed as she looked at the gigantic ebony gates she and Silver Spoon were sitting in front of. “Great… we’re back to sucky-tortureville.”
“Well, maybe we could have stayed undead longer if somepony was smarter about getting revenge on the living.”
Diamond Tiara knocked on the gates. “Silver Spoon, if you’re fishing for forgiveness you’re not going to get it.”
“Forgiveness?!” Silver Spoon cried.
Diamond Tiara shook her head. “Some ponies just think the universe revolves around them.” Diamond Tiara knocked again. “What is taking so long! We don’t have forev—AHHHH!”
Diamond Tiara cried out as Silver Spoon suddenly pounced on her.
“Silver Spoon! What are you—”
Silver Spoon flailed her forehooves into Diamond Tiara’s face.
‘Bam!’
‘Pow!’
“Ow! Not the face!” Diamond Tiara said as her tiara rolled off her head.
“You selfish… spoiledbrat!”Silver Spoon screamed. “You can’t even be sorry about getting me sent back to Hell!”
Diamond Tiara placed her back hooves under Silver Spoon and kicked out with all her might. Silver Spoon was sent flying into pitch black pillar.
‘Thud!’
“Are you done throwing a fit, you little diaper baby?!” Diamond Tiara asked as she casually picked up her Tiara and began to dust it off.
“ErrrrAAAHG!” Silver Spoon pounced again, landing on top of Diamond Tiara. The two fillies soon became a flurry of flailing hooves and legs as the tussled on the ground.
“CLUELESS, SNOOTY, WANNA-BE PRINCESS! OW!”
“DORKY, PATHETIC, TAG-ALONG! OUCH!”
“SELF-CENTERED, SELF-OBSESSED, RICH BIT—”
“Go away!”
The two fillies looked up from their tussle. A long gaunt faced demon with burnt orange skin glared down at them from an opening in the gates.
Silver Spoon quickly got up to her hooves and adjusted her glasses. “We just want back inside…! Sorta…” Silver Spoon turned to Diamond Tiara who had also stood up and was fixing her tiara. “Wait, why do we want back in?”
“It’s the principle of the thing!” Diamond Tiara said. “We should be able to go wherever we want!”
Silver Spoon gave Diamond Tiara a blank look. “… I ask once again, ‘why do we want back in?’”
“Don’t matter!” The demon said gruffly. “Hells full! Especially for you two. Go away!”
“Well kick somepony less important than us out!” Diamond Tiara said. “You guys act like this is hard.”
“D.T., maybe we should just consider this a win and find somewhere else.”
“What?! No! I refuse to just be discarded like a commoner!”
Silver Spoon sighed and grabbed one of Diamond Tiara’s back legs. She began to drag her away.
“No! Stop!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed as she fell to her stomach began to flail about vainly. “You haven’t heard the last of me!” Diamond Tiara shouted at the gates. “My dad is going to be so mad when he finds out you wouldn’t let us into Hell!”
“Uhg… Are we somewhere yet! I’ve been walking for forever!” Diamond Tiara moaned as she trotted through the fog.
Silver Spoon shot her friend a grumpy look. “Look, I know this isn’t fun, but I’ve been here the entire time with you! You could at least complain less!”
“I’d complain a lot less if you just carried me~!” Diamond Tiara sang out.
“D.T.! No!”
“Come one!” Diamond Tiara said. “We’ll swap when you get tired!”
“Oh no,” Silver Spoon said. “I’m not falling for that again!”
>-ooooo-<
“Wow! Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said as she sat atop of the back of her friend. “I’ve got to hand it to you, hours walking and we’ve barely gone anywhere! You’re terrible at this! Just… the worst walker ever.”
Silver Spoon gasped and wheezed as she collapsed to the black ground. “My… my turn…” she uttered in a strained tone.
“NEVER!”
<-ooooooo->
“Well great, just great, Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said. “Thanks to your selfishness we’re stuck suffering in… in…” Diamond Tiara looked around. The fog has fallen around the ponies’ feet and the sky was bright in clear. The once hard ground was soft and pleasant to the touch and the air was warm and comfortable as if wrapping the ponies in a cozy blanket. “We’re are we anyway?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“I think this is heaven,” Silver Spoon said as she waved her hooves through the gentle clouds that covered the ground.
“Great! We’re stuck suffering in heaven,” Diamond Tiara said. “Way to go. Loser.”
“I think we’re actually at the gates to Heaven,” Silver Spoon said narrowing her eyes at Diamond Tiara.
“How can you tell?”
Silver Spoon motioned to gigantic pearl and gold gates that stretched up from the cloud floor up to what seemed like infinity. “The giant pearly gates we’re sitting right in front of?!”
“Well how am I supposed to keep track of all these kooky places?!”
Silver Spoon sighed heavily. “Look, I know you don’t have much of a frame of reference for places of eternal torment and everlasting paradise, but can you at least try to remember when I tell you about them since they’re becoming increasingly important to our situation?”
“Whatever!” Diamond Tiara said as she rapped a hoof against the gates. “As long as we get to stop walking.” She turned to the gates and knocked harder. “Hey! Let us in!”
“D.T.! You can’t just demand to be let into heaven!”
Diamond Tiara blew a dismissive gust of air. “Oh really? And why’s that? Is there a stairway or something I need to buy to get up there?” she said as she motioned up at the massive gates.
“It’s the best place in the universe!” Silver Spoon cried. “You’re supposed to at least try to be good to even have a chance at getting in!”
“Best place in the universe?” Diamond Tiara scoffed. “I doubt that! I mean… you’ve been to my house! You’ve got to know—”
A compartment several yards above the girls opened up, interrupting Diamond Tiara with a sound like a full choir singing praises in perfect harmony. A tan pony with a long brown mane popped his head out of the compartment, his skin and hair glowed with something warm and otherworldly and he seemed to smile with a compassion unbound by the limits of mortal comprehension. “Oh hello travelers. What brings you to my eternal paradise?”
Silver Spoon gasped and motioned across her chest up, down, left, and then right before she fell the clouds and bowed her head.
“We got kicked out of Hell because everypony there sucks bad,” Diamond Tiara said simply. “Let us in! This place looks a little nicer anyhow.”
“D.T.! What the heck?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed.
“What! I said it was nicer than Hell!” Diamond Tiara said as she turned. “It was a compliment.”
“One, that’s not much of a complement. Two, that’s Fixer Christ himself you’re talking to!”
“Oh… You mean that pony who’s always shown getting totally owned on that cross?”
Silver Spoon let out a startled “AAAH!” and dove for Diamond Tiara, clamping her mouth shut with both forehooves. “Are you out of your mind?!” she whispered in an alarmed tone. “Do you have any idea what he can do to us if we make him mad?!”
Diamond Tiara swatted Silver Spoon’s hooves away. “What’s he going to do? Send us to a land of eternal torment?”
Silver Spoon paused and thought about this. “Huh, good point. Still, you need to at least be polite.”
“I’ll be polite when we don’t have to walk anymore!” Diamond Tiara moaned.
Silver Spoon looked up at the pony above her who was still gently smiling down. “Look we uh… we sort of have no place else to go… Could we maybe come inside? As unworthy as we may be?” Silver Spoon placed her hooves together under her chin. “Please?!”
“Unworthy?!” Diamond Tiara said. “Silver Spoon, we’re rich we’re about as worthy as—MMPHPHPH!”
Silver Spoon quickly placed a forehoof over Diamond Tiara’s mouth and gave Fixer a worried smile.
Fixer chuckled gently. “‘Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you’. Sure girls, I’ll open the gates for you.”
Silver Spoon’s face lit up. “Thank you!”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “That was, like, the longest ‘yes’ in the history of everything!”
“Can’t you just be happy we’re getting into Heaven?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. “We’re being allowed into a land of infinite joy and you’re still complaining!”
“Infinite joy?” Diamond Tiara said. “We’ll see about that. I mean, there’s no way this place is anywhere near as good as—”
The gates opened and suddenly the girls felt as if their very essences were being filled with happiness, like beautiful, melodious music being poured into their souls. They felt light as if there worries and concerns had been lifted both mentally and somehow physically from themselves.
Tears began to stream down Silver Spoon’s face as she looked out into the vast expanse of clouds and white ponies that flittered about, some on multiple sets of wings. The entire expanse disappeared off into the bright blue forever as light and warmth seemed to radiate from everything and everywhere.
Silver Spoon attempted to work her jaw which had become unhinged. “It’s… it’s more glorious than I even imagined…”
Diamond Tiara sighed. “I guess so…” she said as she trotted in. But I think my house is still better.”
“WHAT?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, flinging her forehooves out to her sides in disbelief. “How can you possibly think your house is still better!”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Tiny sandwiches, ad’ooooiiieee!”
Silver Spoon’s left eye twitched. “Sandwiches…”
“Tiny sandwiches,” Diamond Tiara corrected.
“You, of all ponies, have been let into the great eternal paradise… A place that makes you feel good just by being in it, and you’re whining about tiny sandwiches?!”
“What!” Diamond Tiara cried. “They’re really good sandwiches! If this was any kind of” –Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and air-quoted with her forehooves—“‘paradise’ there’d be a plate of tiny sandwiches right here.”
With a quiet pop as if simply announcing their arrival, a plate of tiny sandwiches appeared before Diamond Tiara and hovered in front of her.
Silver Spoon smirked at Diamond Tiara.
“Oh, whatever,” Diamond Tiara said as she grabbed a tiny sandwich. “I bet these don’t taste half as good as the ones back home.”
-oooooo-
“MORE SANDWICHES!” Diamond Tiara demanded from a massive throne made out of tiny sandwiches amongst the heavenly clouds. “I WANT HILLS MADE OF SANDWICHES! MOUNTAINS MADE OF SANDWICHES! I WANT ALL THE SANDWICHES IN THE UNIVERSE AND ONCE I HAVE THOSE I WANT YOU TO FIND MORE!”
A white acrogenous pony fluttered down with a silver plate stacked high with tiny sandwiches. Diamond Tiara pounced on the tray like a half-starved predator who spotted a wounded animal. She quickly consumed the contents of the tray and glared at the angelic pony who served it to her. “More! MORE! And be quick about it.”
The pony wordlessly flew back up into the clear sky.
“Don’t you think you’re overdoing it a bit?”
Diamond Tiara’s ears perked up and she looked to the side of her sandwich throne. Silver Spoon had ascended the tiny sandwich stairs and now stood on the raised pumpernickel platform.
“Hey Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said. “Catch any angels yet?”
Silver Spoon shook her head. “Naw, they keep overpowering me with their heavenly strength and flying off.”
Diamond Tiara turned back in her chair. “Yeah, that sucks I bet. Here, why don’t you have a sandwich and take a break.”
Silver Spoon reached for Diamond Tiara’s chair only to find her hoof being swatted.
“No! Not those sandwiches!” Diamond Tiara said. “Those are for my sandwich throne!”
“What’s the difference?!” Silver Spoon cried as she rubbed her hoof.
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “I’m afraid you just don’t understand good sandwiches, Silver Spoon.” She motioned to the sandwiches that served as the back of her thrown. “These sandwiches have been handpicked by me, thetiny sandwich queen, for their ability to hold up as my regal throne.”
“Whatever,” Silver Spoon said. “Maybe I can just hide behind your throne before an angel comes by to give you your sandwiches.”
Diamond Tiara lounged in her throne and examined the back of her hoof absentmindedly. “Whatever! I don’t actually care.”
Silver Spoon smiled wickedly to herself. “Stupid angel won’t know what hit it! Soon I’ll be flying with wings. Wings bloodily torn from the back of my fallen prey and—”
“Girls?” A gentle voice called out. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
“AAAH!” Silver Spoon cried out as she clamped her hooves over her mouth.
Diamond Tiara shrugged. “Just me not getting more tiny sandwiches!” she said in a loud, huffy tone.
“You know you don’t have to wait for the angels,” Fixer said simply as he trotted to the top platform. “Your very desires manifest around you.”
“What’s the point of not bossing ponies around though?!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Is it too much to ask of an eternal paradise that I’m waited on hoof and… other hoof?”
Fixer nodded. “I’m afraid it is.”
“Weak,” Diamond Tiara said.
“In fact, I checked around and everypony pretty much unanimously agreed that this place can’t be an eternal paradise if you two are in it.”
“What?! Why?!” Diamond Tiara cried.
Silver Spoon’s hooves fell to the ground and she gave Fixer a heartbroken look.
“For starters, you’re probably the most unkind pony ever even allowed to set hoof in heaven.”
“Those horrible little angels!” Diamond Tiara said as she shook a forehoof in the air. “They’re in for the screaming of an eternity.”
Fixer nodded. “Yes, you see, that! That right there is why you need to leave.”
Silver Spoon whimpered. “But… but I’ve tried to be nice.”
Fixer regarded Silver Spoon with a touch of sadness in his eyes. “I’m sorry Silver Spoon, but there’s a darkness in your heart that even the eternal glow of heaven can’t erase.”
Silver Spoon hung her head. “Yeah, I know…”
Fixer continued. “Plus you keep tackling members of my heavenly choir and trying to rip off their wings.”
Silver Spoon puffed out her lower lip. “I just really want wings to fly with!”
Fixer gently placed a hoof on Silver Spoon’s shoulder. “I know child, but you must quell your murderous impulses before you’ve earned them.”
Silver Spoon sighed. “Is it really that bad that I want to extract bloody and painful vengeance on all my enemies and bathe in their blood as I sing songs that glorify their untimely end at my very hooves?”
“Whoa!” Diamond Tiara said as she looked at Silver Spoon. “I’m mad too, but scale it back a notch, will you?”
Fixer gave Silver Spoon a gentle smile. “Yes, I’m afraid it is ‘that bad’. That is, in fact, about as bad as it gets.”
Silver Spoon hung her head. “I understand.”
“This is unacceptable!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Do you have any idea who my dad is?!”
Fixer cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, but do you have any idea who mine is?”
Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow at Silver Spoon. “Let it go, D.T. You just lost this one about as hard as anypony can lose anything.”
Diamond Tiara puffed out her lower lip. “But… but my dad has lots of money!”
“Yeah, I don’t think he cares,” Silver Spoon said as she shook her head. “Guess we’ll just wander the afterlife with nowhere to stay for forever.”
Fixer smiled as the clouds around him, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon swirled about. Soon the three where standing outside the gates to Heaven.
“There are other things you girls can try, you know?” Fixer said in a gentle tone.
“Really?” Diamond Tiara said. “Wait! You were holding out on us!?” she cried.
“D.T.! Shut up, you stupid bi—!” Silver Spoon said, cutting herself off as she looked up at Fixer and felt her face go hot. “I uh… I mean…” She turned back to Diamond Tiara. “Try to be a little nicer! Okay… I mean… that’s how you got kicked out in the first place.”
Diamond Tiara sighed. “Do you have to crush on everypony we meet in the afterlife?”
Silver Spoons face went hot. “I’m not crushing on Fixer Christ, okay!”
“Really?” Diamond Tiara said flinging her forehooves up into the air. “I mean your parents have, like, pictures of him everywhere that always show off his big pony muscles! I know girls who are into fireponies who have less shame than your family.”
Silver Spoon let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re just lucky you can afford to be stupid.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”
“Girls! Like I was saying, there are other things you can try.”
“Yeah? Like what?” Diamond Tiara said snidely.
Silver Spoon quaked in silent irritated rage but said nothing.
“Well, there’s always enlightenment.”
“Ooo!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “I like the sound of that. It sounds exotic and expensive!”
Fixer cheerful look fell ever so slightly. “Riiight… How attached to material wealth would you say you two are?”
“Hmmm?” Diamond Tiara replied. “Sorry, can you repeat that? I was thinking about my swimming pool.”
Silver Spoon gave Fixer an apologetic look. “I was also thinking about her swimming pool.”
“Okay… Let’s skip enlightenment. Reincarnation?”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon gave fixer a blank stare.
“It’s when you get reborn as something else.”
“Oh! I want to be a princess!” Diamond Tiara said.
“I want to be a bat!” Silver Spoon said.
“Ugh…” Diamond Tiara said. “You are so lame sometimes, you know that?”
Fixer chuckled gently. “You girls don’t get to pick what you become. It’s sort of based on how you treated others in your previous lives.”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exchanged glances and swallowed.
“Ha-how we…” Diamond Tiara said trailing off.
“… ta-treated others?” Silver Spoon finished.
Fixed nodded. “Yep! The nicer ponies you were, the better your next lives will be. Conversely, the meaner you were, the worse your next lives will be. Admittedly, that’s bit of a simplification, but—”
“Pass!” Diamond Tiara said hastily.
Silver Spoon nodded. “Yes! Super pass! What else can we do?”
Fixer shrugged. “Well… I guess you can wander the endless expanse of Purgatory,” he said pointing off into the distance.
An excited gasp passed through Silver Spoon’s lips. “That! Let’s do that.”
“What?” Diamond Tiara said. “Purgatory? That’s a stupid name.”
“Oh my gosh, D.T.!” Silver Spoon exclaimed happily as she looped a foreleg around one of Diamond Tiara’s and began to drag her away. “You have no idea!”
“You’re right! I have no idea! What the heck is Purgatory?!”
“Oh you are going to flip when you see this…”
Fixer Christ waved a forehoof as the two ponies left the gates of Heaven. One walking, the other being dragged behind the first.
-ooooo-
“Where are we? There’s nothing here,” Diamond Tiara said.
The two ponies had traveled so far that there was nothing on the horizon in any direction. Flat dirt with the occasional rock stretched out an all directions as far as the eye could see.
Silver Spoon looked around. “I don’t think there’s supposed to be anything here. It’s just a vast nothingness…” She smiled. “This is Purgatory… Limbo.”
“Limbo?” Diamond Tiara asked. “Wait! You brought us here because there’s nothing?! That’s what you thought was so cool?!”
Silver Spoon smiled. “Oh this is awesome! This is just like my poetry.”
Diamond Tiara sighed. “Please don’t—”
“Empty…Like my heart…”
“Oh, sweet Celestia, why?!”
“Empty… Like your love…”
“How is this even a poem?!”
“Empty…Like my soul…” Silver Spoon finished as she dramatically collapsed to the barren ground.
Diamond Tiara sighed and began to walk away. “That’s it, I’m going back to Hell to see if they’ll let one of us back in…”
‘PFWOOOSH!’
Diamond Tiara stopped and perked up an ear as a pillar of swirling green energy suddenly shot up from the empty ground. It bathed the ponies and the area around them in sickly green light.
“Whoa! What is that?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed.
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Seriously? Don’t you know anything?”
“Hey!” Silver Spoon cried. “You’re the pony who doesn’t know anything about Heaven and Hell and stuff! Excuse me if there’s just one thing I’ve never seen before.”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes as she walked up to the swirling pillar. “It’s clearly a swirling vortex of pure evil!” she said as she stuck her hoof in it.
“Should you be touching it?”
“What? Of course!” Diamond Tiara said as she pulled out a hoof full of smoking slime. “It feels great and tastes even better!” she said as she placed her hoof into her mouth.
“Are you serious?!” Silver Spoon cried. “I feel a profound sense of dread come over me just by looking at it.”
Diamond Tiara swallowed the green goo in her mouth. “Well it is a swirling vortex of pure evil.” She stuck her hoof back into the swirling green pillar and pulled out another heaping portion of smoking slime that she began to lick off her hooves. “Oh yes… definitely 100% evil… Fresh and not from concentrate.” She took another lick and smiled. “That’s the stuff…”
“Hey! Stop eatin’ the pure evil! Dat stuff ain’t cheap, you know?”
Silver Spoon watched in fear and awe as the pillar collapsed into a black writhing mass that swirled before expanding upwards slowly.
“Oh, what now?” Diamond Tiara said in irritation as she continued to lick the green residue from her hoof.
The black extended several feet above the ponies. Two sides of it seemed to split off forming dark, black covered arms that ended in thin, bony hands. A pole extended upwards and downwards from one hand followed by a curved blade at the top end. Finally, two eyes of glowing red embers appeared in the mass. The eyes stared down angrily at the two ponies. From the blackness a bleached white bone hand emerged and pointed accusingly at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “You two are in a lot of trouble.”
Silver Spoon gasped as she saw the bony hand. From under the covers she could see the two burning eyes were placed in the sockets of a white skull. “It’s the Grim Reaper!”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Great! Somepony else for you too fan-girl over...”
Silver Spoon let out a girly squee as she dove for the reaper’s robes and rubbed her face on them. “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I’m rubbing my face on the robes of Death himself! Oh my gosh!”
“Hey!” the Reaper protested. “Mind the merchandise, mon!”
“Silver Spoon, I didn’t mean—”
Silver Spoon crawled back about a foot and looked up. “I’m sorry Mr. Grim Reaper… Can I call you Grim?”
“Well, actually—”
“I’m sorry, but I’m just such a huge fan about how you wisp the dead, kicking and screaming, from the mortal coil. I just…” Silver Spoon reached out and began rubbing Grim’s robes again. “I just need to touch you.”
“Wow…” Diamond Tiara said as she stared wide eyed at her friend. “Just wow…”
Silver Spoon turned and gave Diamond Tiara a look as if she was trying to melt her with her eyes. “SHUT UP, DIAMOND TIARA! THIS IS SO COOL, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!”
Grim reached down and forcefully yanked his robes out of Silver Spoon’s grasp. “Look,” he began in his heavily accented voice, “I appreciate that you’re a fan and all, but you two can’t be runnin’ around the afterlife like dis! You’re making everyone mad! And who do you think they send to clean up the mess, hmmm?”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exchanged a couple of blank expressions.
“… The ghost police?” Diamond Tiara suggested.
“No! ME!” Grim snapped. “Believe it or not, I’ve got better things to do dan hang around with a couple of kids all day!”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exchanged looks and then looked back up at Grim.
“Well, were are we supposed to go?” Diamond Tiara asked. “They don’t want us in heaven or hell!”
Silver Spoon nodded. “Yeah.” She smiled. “I mean… That just leaves being with you, right?”
“Silver Spoon! No!” Diamond Tiara cried.
The Reaper rubbed bony fingers against his bony chin. “Well… I suppose I could always use a few minions of the damned to help me out…”
“… Minions? Like—” Diamond Tiara swallowed “—servants?” she uttered in tone of pure dread that came out like she was speaking through a mouthful of thick tar. She wrapped her forelegs around herself and began to shake as she fell to the ground.
“No, Diamond Tiara!” Silver Spoon said as she rushed over to her friend’s side. She gently rocked Diamond Tiara. “Go to your happy place!”
Diamond Tiara began to rub her forehoves over her temples as she murmured to herself over and over, “Being pampered by penguins… Being pampered by penguins…” A content smile slowly spread across Diamond Tiara’s face. “Awwww…” she uttered happily.
Grim raised an eyebrow, his eyebrows being the only non-skeletal thing about him. “Did she just say ‘penguins’, mon?”
Silver Spoon shrugged. “She really likes penguins… I think it’s because they look like little butlers to her. Look, we’re kind of out of options! Maybe you can just send us home? It’s not like we’ve done anything to deserve being your minions of the damned!”
Grim stroked his jawbone. “I suppose you’re right.” The corners of his mouth pulled up into a wicked grin showing off all his bleached white teeth. “How’s about a little wager over a game, den?”
Diamond Tiara suddenly sprung to her feet. “DEAL!”
“What?!” Silver Spoon cried. “We don’t even know what game!”
“Too late~!” Grim sang out. He turned to an empty patch of ground and raised his hand causing two pillars of black and grey skulls neatly stacked atop one another to emerge from the ground. The pillars stopped once they were six skulls high.
“What?” Diamond Tiara said as she looked at Silver Spoon. “I’m awesome at games! I almost never lose.”
Silver Spoon narrowed her eyes. “That’s because you threw a fit and toss me out of your house when you lose! I just let you win. You’re actually terrible.”
“What! That’s not true!”
“You always try to win Risk by starting a land war in Haysia! Never get involved in a land war in Haysia!”
Grim placed his scythe into the top row of skulls by the jaws. It transformed into a simple green, red, and yellow striped pole. “Since we’re in Limbo, we’ll be playing me favorite game, Limbo.” He gave the girls a predatory grin. “If I win, which I will, you two have t’ become me minions.”
Diamond Tiara began to shiver violently.
Silver Spoon smirked. “Fine but if we win you have to be our best friend forever!”
“What?! No!” Grim and Diamond Tiara exclaimed simultaneously.
Silver Spoon turned towards Diamond Tiara and motioned to Grim. “Come on! He’s all black and spooky and he carries a scythe! How cool is that?!”
Grimm stood up straight with a smile on his face.
Diamond Tiara shook her head. “Silver Spoon, how many times do I have to tell you? This lame Goth stuff isn’t cool!” She motioned to Grim. “And he’s the lamest yet.”
Grim frowned heavily as he slumped forward.
Silver Spoon sighed. “Fine! Maybe he can help us get revenge on the ponies that sacrificed us!”
Diamond Tiara’s face lit up. “Hey! Yeah! That’s actually a good idea!” She turned towards Grim. “Okay, if we win you have to help kill four little ponies for us!”
“Hmph, is dat all?” Grim asked. “I kill little ponies all the time, dat’s hardly even askin’ a fa—”
“YEAH!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. She made a swinging motion with her forehooves. “Slice their bellies open and rip out there guts!” She mimed pulling something out of an opening as a mad grin crossed her face. “I’m going to cover myself with their viscera and write poetry with their blooooooood!”
Diamond Tiara sighed and shook her head. “She’s got a problem, okay?”
Grim stared at Silver Spoon blankly. “I noticed…” Grim shook his head and pointed towards the stick. “Alright girls. How low can you go? Jus’ pass under me staff head last.”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked at each other and shrugged.
Silver Spoon spoke up, “So we like… just walk backwards?”
“Naw … You gotta lean with your face up and walk under the pole. Like this.” Grim demonstrated, his bones cracking as his back went 90 degrees from his legs at his waist. He easily walked under the pole.
“What?!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “We can’t do that! We’re ponies! If we even tried to lean back like that our spines would shatter.”
“Not me problem, mon,” Grim said as she straightened himself upright.
“Wow, racist much?” Diamond Tiara said.
Grim frowned. “What?”
Silver Spoon raised a forehoof. “Technically, I think it’s ‘speciesist’, or more accurately a form of ‘speciesism’.”
Grim raised a bony finger in protest. “Now see here! I—”
“Oh, whatever!” Diamond Tiara said. She motioned towards grim. “He’s clearly taking advantage of the fact that we’re ponies! And he doesn’t even care!”
“Hey! It’s not my fault you two girls can’t physically play the game!”
Silver Spoon’s jaw unhinged. “Wow… I’m sorry Mr. Reaper., but that’s the most amount of speciesism I’ve ever heard in one sentence!”
“SEE! He’s a speciesismist! A total speciesismist! It’s the worst kind of ‘ist’ there is even after Socialist!”
Silver Spoon shuttered. “Uhg… It doesn’t get much worse than that…”
Grim’s eye sockets narrowed as he shot the girls an irritated sneer. “Fine! We’ll pick something else!”
Silver Spoon grinned. “You play chess, do you not?”
“Chest?!” Grim exclaimed in protest.
Silver Spoon’s left eye twitched.
“Ya crazy ponies are complaining’ about not being able to play Limbo and ya want to play a game where you hafta pick up and move pieces around?”
“Oh my gosh!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “So Speciesismists!”
Silver Spoon sighed heavily.
Grim gave Diamond Tiara a worried look.
“No really!” Diamond Tiara said. “This guy clearly just hates ponies! Wonder what his manager would have to say about his rampant racist speciesism!”
“Alright, fine! Chest it is!”
Diamond Tiara gritted her teeth. “Chess! No ‘t’.”
“Whatever, mom,” Grim said dismissively as he reached out to the striped pole which was his scythe. It transformed once again. This time into a chess board complete with pieces. The board hovered over the ground for a bit until the ground suddenly raised up to form a table. Chairs made from the earth appeared below Silver Spoon and Grim and soon the two were sitting face to face over a game of chess.
Grim grinned as he reached out for a black piece. “I hope ya don’t mind if I take the first move.”
“Of course I do!” Silver Spoon cried. “I’m white! White always goes first.”
Grim narrowed his eyes. “Now who’s bein’ racist?”
Silver Spoon looked down at Diamond Tiara.
Diamond Tiara shrugged.
“We don’t get it,” Silver Spoon said as she looked back up.
Grim sighed. “Never mind. Fine! Jus’ go first…”
-o~A hooffull of moves later~o-
“Checkmate!” Silver Spoon said happily.
“What?! No fair!” Grim whined.
“Wow!” Diamond Tiara said with rare, genuine admiration in her voice. “You must be super smart to beat Death at chess.”
Silver Spoon shook her head. “Not really, he’s just terrible. Kinda disappointing, really.”
“Hey!” Grim protested. “I was jus’ warmin’ up is all! Let’s go again!”
“What! No way!” Diamond Tiara cried. “We’ve got to get home!” She puffed out her lower lip. “I’m really starting to miss my bed.”
“No!” Grim cried. “There are two of you, so we’re playin’ another game for the both of you!”
“What!” Diamond Tiara cried. “That wasn’t the deal!”
“It’s fine, D.T.,” Silver Spoon said as she waved a forehoof about.
“Oh, come on!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Don’t you want to go and party in pony guts or something equally disturbing?!”
“Later,” Silver Spoon said, “it’s actually nice to play a game against somepony and get to try and win for a change.”
Diamond Tiara put on a grumpy look as she folded her forelegs across herself. “Fine!” she huffed out.
Grim grinned wickedly as he ran his robed arm over the board and placed his arm back at his side. The game board had reset.
“Wow, handy,” Diamond Tiara said. “Does that work for candy land?”
“Quiet,” Grim said. “Dis time I won’t go easy…”
-o~A hooffull of moves more~o-
Silver Spoon sighed heavily. “… Do you even know how to play this game?”
“Of course I do!” Grim said in an indignant tone. “The little guys up front can move one space at a time, two if it’s de first move! The horses move—”
“Little guys?! Horses?! You don’t even know what the pieces are called?!”
Grim sighed. “Look, as a reaper I’m expected to know how to play chest! I don’ need ta know every little t’ing about it!”
“For the last time! It’s pronounced “Chess” there’s no ‘t’!”
Grim folded his arms across his chest. “Oh great, now ya be makin’ fun of me accident.”
Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. “Oh whatever.” She reached forward and moved a piece. “Checkmate.”
“Bah!” Grim cried as he backhanded the board sending pieces everywhere.
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Oh boo-hoo. What’s your problem? You still get to murder children.”
Grim tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Hmmm… I suppose dis whole thing really was a win-win for me.” He grinned darkly. “Alright ladies, a deals a deal.” Grim reached his hand out to the chess board and it quickly flew towards his hand and transformed back into a scythe. “I’ll take ya home.”
“Finally!” Diamond Tiara huffed out.
“Yay!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. “MURDER!”
Diamond Tiara cocked an eyebrow at her friend. “Ummm… Right… It will be nice to settle the score with those blank flanks.”
Grim swung his scythe through the air, seemingly tearing at the emptiness itself and creating a swirling glowing pink hole as if Grimm had just torn the very fabric of reality itself.
“Follow me…” he said with a smile. Suddenly Grim contorted has the portal sucked him in head first, stretching the reaper out as he was engulfed in its twirling pink mass.
“Finally!” Diamond Tiara said.
Silver Spoon cocked an eyebrow. “Try not to get us killed again so quickly this time, alright?”
Diamond Tiara tapped at her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe if I start with the money, I’llllaaaaAAAAAAAAAH!”
The ponies both cried out in alarm as the felt their bodies being stretched headfirst towards the portal. The swirling bright pink light sucked in both the girls then closed on itself as if it had never been.
A rather large, rounded black controller whizzed through the air, stopping as it collided with a large pony skull. The large video system accessory cracked open bone and sent white fragments in all directions as the skull and body attached to the skull fell to the ground.
“Die, skeleton pony, die… again!” Button Mash exclaimed as he yanked on the wire of his controller and pulled it out of the fractured skull of the skeletal pony he had just dispatched. The pony flailed its bony legs about and Button quickly spun the controller around and around vertically. Once again, the air whooshed as the controller flew through it at an alarming speed. Button brought the controller down on the skeletal ponies head again and again until it ceased moving.
A shadow suddenly fell over Button and he turned to see a pony with greyed flesh which was missing in patches looming over him. He quickly yanked on his controller wire. It held fast for a bit then came to him with unexpected speed. Button fell over backwards as the cable end which was now just a series of splayed copper wires fell onto his stomach.
Button looked up at the zombie above him with fear in his eyes. He could feel hot tears well up behind his eyes as the rest of him froze in terror.
“WATCH OUT, BUTTON!” a high pitched voice called out.
‘PHOOOOOOM!’
A bright green glow suddenly engulfed the zomponie, turning it into a smoldering pile of burn flesh and bones.
Button breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Sweetie Belle.”
Sweetie Belle smiled at Button as she trotted up to him. “Of course, Button! I wouldn’t let… Wait what’s wrong?”
Button’s eyes continued to tear up as he stared at the broken end of his controller. “This was my last original X-Barn controller! Now I won’t be able to play it anymore!” Button whined.
Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow. “Did you even play it to begin with? That thing is older than you… almost bigger too!”
“But… but… my ‘Princess of Pastursia’ saves are on there!”
‘Hissssssss!’
Sweetie Belle’s head jerked up at the sound of the inhuman hiss. She took a few steps back as a group of skeleton ponies advanced on her and Button. “I think we have more important things to worry about than old video games, Button…”
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS UNDEAD DESTROYERS, YAY!”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes went wide. “Oh no…”
Button’s ears perked up. “Was that Apple Bloom and Scoota—”
“GET DOWN!” Sweetie Belle cried out as she dove on Button. No sooner had she brought herself and the brown colt to the ground then a batch of rocket-like fireworks zoomed overhead, trailing colorful sparks before they collided with the undead ponies with a colorful ‘KABOOOOM!’
“AAAAAAH!” Button cried as fiery greens, blues, and reds exploded in front of him, sending bones in every which direction.
Sweetie Belle rubbed her horn as a few errant green sparks shot out of it. She stood up with an irritated expression on her face as she turned to the two fillies who had just lunched their firework attack. “You could have warned us.”
Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “We shouted ‘Cutie Mark Crusader undead destroyers, yay!’ What more do you want?!”
Apple Bloom nodded as she trotted alongside Scootaloo. “Ya clearly knew that meant to duck and cover!”
Button stood up and brushed some dust off of himself with a foreleg. “I thought that was just what you were supposed to do anytime you girls screamed out.”
The girls all went silent.
Sweetie Belle sighed. “I think Button just burned us bad, girls…”
“I did?” Button asked. “Should I go get some cold water?”
“Ya don’t need to rub it in!” Apple Bloom exclaimed.
“Rub what in?!” Button said in confusion. “Water is supposed to be poured onto burns…”
Scootaloo let out an exasperated sigh. “Whatever…” She tried to turn and look at her flank. “Do I have my cutie mark yet? I bet it’s something cool like a flaming skull.”
“That would be pretty cool,” Sweetie Belle said as she stared at Scootaloo’s flank, “but I think your backside is just covered in dirt and dead pony bits.”
“Aw, man…” Scootaloo said.
“Seriously!” Apple Bloom moaned. “How many of these stupid skeletons do we need to explode to get a cutie mark?!”
Sweetie Belle gulped. “Well, at least one more if we want to survive long enough to get one.”
The foals all turned as large skeletal pegasus approached them, its bony wings spread as it slowly drew closer.
“Girls…?” Button said in a worried tone. “I lost my controller in a pony skull…” Button said as he raised his black cord which ended in frayed wires.
“We used the last of our fireworks…” Apple Bloom said.
Scootaloo turned towards Sweetie Belle. “Why don’t you just blast it?”
Sweetie Belle looked at Scootaloo with a nervous expression. “I bumped my horn when I was trying to avoid getting exploded with fireworks.” Sweetie Belle made a face like she was concentrating then winced as a few more green sparks flew from the tip of her horn. “It just hurts when I try to blast something right now.”
The foals all looked up at the skeletal pony with terrified expressions as it drew closer and closer. Sweetie Belle and Button quickly wrapped forelegs around each other as they began to tremble in place.
A heavy guitar rift sounded out that quickly raised in pitch to a fever of notes being played rapidly.
The ponies ears all perked up.
“It sounds like… rock music?” Scootaloo uttered.
The ponies and even the skeletal pony turned to see a teenaged brown colt with spiky black hair slowly walk over on his hind legs as he held a yellow and black electric guitar. A thick amp wire was bolted to the guitar on one and bolted to a large amp on wheels on the other. He continued shredding a riff as he approached within a couple yards of the foals and skeletal pegasus.
“Hey bonehead!” The pony called out as he rapidly moved his right hoof over the guitar strings. “How about some heavy metal!?”
The skeletal pony snarled and poised itself to attack, but the brown pony suddenly gripped his guitar by its neck and swung it into the air, causing the guitar amp cord to go taunt. The heavy bolted ends of the cord held as the large amp attached flew into the air. It soon landed on top of the skeletal pony, sending a spray of cracked bones in all directions.
Scootaloo’s jaw dropped. “That was the most awesome thing I’ve seen a boy do in my life…”
“Wow! Nice one, bro!” Button cried.
Sweetie Belle nodded. “Yeah! Thanks for saving us.”
“We sure owe you one!” Apple Bloom said.
“No problem.” Button’s brother said as he looked around. “You don’t suppose any girls saw that, did you?”
“I’m a girl!” Scootaloo cried.
“Er, I meant older—”
Scootaloo dropped to her knees and raised her forehooves under her chin. “Please let me have your beautiful pony rock babies.”
“Ummmm…” Button’s brother said as he looked down at Scootaloo. “You’re like super young, so this is weird?”
Button tilted his head slightly as he looked at his brother. “Don’t you talk to older girls all the time?”
Button’s brother frowned. “Age is just a number…”
“Yes!” Scootaloo said triumphantly.
“Unless you’re still a kid.” Button’s brother added hastily.
“Aw man,” Scootaloo said.
“Gibson!”
Button’s brother flinched as he heard the familiar tone of his mother calling out his name in irritation.
“Are you hitting on an eight year old?!” A slightly gore covered Love Tap demanded as she limped over to the other ponies, one of her forelegs wrapped around her blood splattered bat.
Gibson gave his mother a slightly disgusted look. “No! I’m being hit on by an eight year old! Big difference.”
Scootaloo frowned heavily. “You two are so ageist!”
Love Tap and Gipson exchanged a quick look.
Gibson cocked an eyebrow. “We also don’t want to go to jail.”
“Well, you’re in luck!” Button said in a cheerful tone. “Because the magistrate’s office is on fire and also full of skeletons.”
Love Tap gave her youngest son an awkward smile. “Button, sweetie? That’s not helping.”
‘Ffffeeeeeooooowwwww…’
The ponie all jumped slightly as a bright pink portal suddenly opened up close to them, sounding very much like a hollow wind blowing through town. The portal squeezed out a darkly robed figure holding a scythe in a bony hand. The figure was quickly followed by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
“There ya go, kids,” Grim said to his companions. “Home sweet—” Grim gave his surroundings a confusing glance as he noticed all the destruction and undead running about “—home…”
Diamond Tiara scanned the chaos. “… There’s a lot more fire than when we were here last.”
Silver Spoon nodded. “True, but now there’s less skeletons!”
Gibson gave out a disappointed sigh and trotted off dragging his amp behind him. “Is it just skeletons and kids running around today?!”
“Hey!” Scootaloo cried out as she pointed at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “Didn’t we already kill you two?”
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon turned and glared at the Crusaders and Button Mash.
Apple Bloom shook her head. “I don’t know what yer complainin’ about.” She said to Scootaloo. “If they’re back, it makes what we did a whole les morally ambiguous.”
“Moral whatsit?” Button asked.
Sweetie Belle turned towards Button. “She means ‘not as wrong’ if they’re back from the dead.”
“Oh!” Button exclaimed. He gave Sweetie Belle a blank look. “I don’t get it.”
“There they are!” Diamond Tiara said as she pointed at the foals. “Go slice them up or steal their souls or whatever.”
“Slice them up! Slice them up!” Silver Spoon chanted.
“What?!” Love Tap cried as she held up her bat. “Over my dead body!”
Grim’s eyes widened. “Bless me bones, it’s Love Tap! Haven’t seen you since you brought your son back from the dead!”
“Grim?!” Love Tap exclaimed. Her expression softened and she lowered her bat, quickly cantering up to Grim to wrap her forelegs around him and give him a hug. “Oh, it’s so nice to see you again!”
The reaper returned the hug. “It’s certainly been too long.” Grim grinned down at Love Tap as the two parted. “Ya really should sacrifice more often.”
Love Tap grinned sheepishly. “Well… I try to only do that when I have a good reason…”
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo turned and looked at Button Mash.
“Wait, you’ve died before?!” Scootaloo exclaimed.
Button sighed and hung his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Love Tap chuckled. “Actually, he means Gibson.”
“Button’s older brother?” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “How’d he die?”
“Oh, he was trying to save time by practicing the guitar and showering at the same time.”
The girl’s eyes all went wide.
“You’re kiddin’, right?” Applebloom exclaimed.
“MOM!” Gibson shouted from several yards away as he decapitated a skeletal pony with his guitar. “Don’t tell them that!”
Scootaloo shook her head. “She wasn’t joking…”
Love Tap tapped at her chin ponderously for a moment. “You know in hindsight, I probably didn’t do a good job warning the boys about the dangers of water and electricity.”
Grim chuckled. “Hehehe, Yeah… Good times.”
“Enough with the chitchat!” Diamond Tiara cried.
“Yeah!” Silver Spoon chimed in. “Get with the reaping already! Reap those kids dead!”
Love Tap narrowed her eyes at Grim. “What?” She uttered in an icy tone.
Grim held up his hand defensively. “I’m sorry Love Tap. I had no idea da girls had a beef with one of your kids.” He turned towards Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “Sorry girls, deals off,” he said as he waved a hand in front of him.
“WHAT?!” Diamond Tiara cried. “That’s not fair.”
Grim sighed and leaned on his scythe. “Look, if I had known ahead of time it was one of Love Tap’s kids who’d done ya both in I’d have told ya to ask for something else.”
“Well too bad!” Diamond Tiara said. “We want revenge!”
“WE’RE OUT FOR BLOOOOOOD!” Silver Spoon exclaimed as she shook a forehoof in the air.
Diamond Tiara turned and gave Silver Spoon an impatient look. “Calm down. You seem a little too into this.”
Silver Spoon took a few calming breaths. “Sorry… It’s just… Something about all this murder has got me all hot blooded.”
“Look kids,” Grim began, “I’m just saving you both some time. If I kill those four fillies over there—”
“I’M A BOY!” Button protested.
“…Whatever…” Grim said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “If I kill those kids, Love Tap is just goin’ t’ kill you two and probably your parents or something t’ bring them all back. And then suddenly I have four snooty ponies to deal with.”
A slightly crazed grin suddenly came over Love Tap. “Oh, I’d do it, too!”
“Well, just kill her, too then!” Diamond Tiara said.
“YES!” Silver Spoon cried. She made a slicing motion across her neck. “Slice her open her neck and decorate Ponyville with her entrails!”
Diamond Tiara sighed. “Seriously Silver Spoon, you need therapy or something.”
Love Tap narrowed her eyes. “Now wait just a da—”
“SKREEEEEEEAAAAAAA—”
Another skeleton attacked the ponies, its mouth opened wide showing a mouth full of jagged teeth. Teeth that soon flew every direction with a ‘crunch’ as Love Tap swung her bat and caught the undead aberration in the mouth. The skeleton fell to the ground in a heap, its skull now little more than a cracked mess.
Grim sighed and shook his head. “Dis place is a big enough mess at it is girls. I already got me work cut out for me with all the ponies being killed by the undead. I don’t need t’ be adding to my own work load.”
“Oh I get it!” Diamond Tiara said. “You’re just scared of her!” she said as she gave Grim a haughty look before she raised her muzzle into the air.
Love Tap wasted no time in lifting the body of the skeleton at her hooves and tossing it hard into another shambling mass of skeletons coming towards the ponies. With a sound of bones cracking, the group collapsed to the ground.
Grim held up a bony thumb and forefinger, holding them less than an inch apart from each other. “A little bit, yeah.” Grim gave the girls a cheerful smile. “How’s ‘bout I get rid of all dese skeletons for you? Dat’s more dan fair…”
“No way!” Diamond Tiara said as she quickly crossed her forelegs in front of her chest then flung them out. “Why should I care that the undead have risen to eat all these poor losers?”
“Poor?!” Sweetie Belle protested.
“Losers?!” Apple Bloom chimed in.
Scootaloo sighed heavily. “You know I’ve had to restuff my pillows with my own feathers? It sometimes hurts to pluck them, but it beats sleeping on bags full of sawdust.”
Love Tap’s eyes went wide. “What?! What the heck is wrong with your parents?!”
“Well, actually—”
“Hey D.T.,” Silver Spoon piped up, “don’t look now, but I think your house is on fire.”
“What?!”
“Yeah,” Button chimed in as he pointed towards a pillar of smoke above a massive home in the distance, “and all the fireponies are too busy dealing with skeletons to put the fire out.”
Diamond Tiara frowned. “I still think we should get more out of the deal.”
Love Tap looked at Diamond Tiara in disbelief. “Your house is going up in flames and you’re holding out for more?”
“Well I want to get something out of this experience!”
Apple Bloom took a step forward. “What about your memories of all the fantastic places you two must have been? Ah mean, you showed up to down with a weird skeleton guy in a robe! Ya both have to have some great stories to tell”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “I meant something not totally lame, d’uh!”
“Weird?!” Grim exclaimed. “Lame?!”
“I still think you look cool,” Silver Spoon said.
“Thanks, mon.” Grim said with a smile. “Look girls, I’ll buy you both ice cream.”
Diamond Tiara gave Grim a serious look. “Can I get pure evil topping?”
Grim sighed. “Yeah, sure.”
Diamond Tiara smiled and held out a forehoof. “Deal!”
Grim and Diamond Tiara shook appendages.
“Ice cream?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. “That’s all it took?!”
Diamond Tiara gave Silver Spoon an irritated look. “Pure evil is hard to come by, alright?”
“The pact is sealed…” Grim said in a deep rumbling voice as his eyes began to glow red. He spread his arms out and stared up at the sky which began to darken. Holding onto his scythe with one hand, he floated several feet up into the air which seemed to pulsate with a darkness. All the ponies took several steps back.
The ground shook. The sky continued to darken until it was a starless black, then it started to glow an eerie shade of green. A sharp, fast wind cut through the town, putting out fires and chilling the still living to their core. Grim’s eyes began to glow red and soon the fiery glow was practically shooting upwards out of his eyes and out of every hole in his robe.
The undead stopped their attack, each skeleton and zombie turning towards the glow and shambling towards it. Soon Grim and the ponies were surrounded by the undead, each one staring poised and staring at Grim as if waiting for his command.
Grim looked back down, regarding the undead with a displeased stare. “Alright ya pile of bones, get going. Time to pack it up.”
The undead horde simultaneously erupted into a chorus of disappointed sounding groans, like a group of children just being told it was time to leave the playground… if children shambled about and feasted upon the flesh of the living.
“Now don’t give me any lip,” Grim said.
A skeletal unicorn spoke up from the crowd. “We don’t have—”
Grim quickly swung his scythe and pointed it at the unicorn skeleton. A green blast fired from the scythe, hitting the unicorn and exploding it bony body out in all directions.
Grim lowered the end of his scythe back to the ground. “Anybody else want to try bein’ a funny bones?”
The undead slumped their shoulders, lowered their heads and began to trot off towards the graveyard.
“Girls!” a feminine voice called out from above.
“Still a boy…” Button uttered in irritation.
A purple blur suddenly slammed into the ground, skidding to a halt. The ponies all look as Twilight Sparkle woozily stood up to her full height, Spike on her back holding on for dear life.
“Well Howdy, Twilight!” Apple Bloom greeted. “Howdy, Spike!”
“Hi, Twilight,” Sweetie Belle greeted. “Hey, Spike!”
“Hey Button,” Spike said as he slid off Twilight and hit the ground with an “Ooff.” He picked himself up. “Hey, girls.”
Twilight gave the girls a frantic, apologetic look. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner, but when Rainbow Dash came by to tell me just how bad everything was, I looked up a spell that would take care of the undead and—”
“Hey Twilight,” Spike interrupted, “where’s all the skeletons?”
Twilight’s blinked a few times as she looked around. “Uh…”
“All taken care of, mon,” Grim said casually.
“Yeah, thanks a lot princess!” Diamond Tiara said sarcastically. “Thanks to you just sitting around, I had to save the town instead of getting my wish of revenge!”
Twilight frowned. “But—”
“Yeah!” Silver Spoon chimed in. “I missed out on murder because of you!”
“You suck, princess!” Diamond Tiara cried.
“Way to leave the whole town hanging!” Silver Spoon added.
“Your hair could use a good brushin’,” Grim piped up.
“Hey!” Twilight protested.
“You could stand to brush your teeth more often.”
Twilight glared at Spike.
“What?” Spike said with a shrug. “I thought we were all sharing!”
“Come on Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said. She turned to Grim. “Come on… uh… tall, spooky guy… Let’s get some ice cream.”
Silver Spoon began to follow Diamond Tiara into town.
“Wait…” Grim said as he followed the two ponies. “Ya don’t even know my name?!”
Twilight puffed out her lower lip. “But—!”
“Sorry, Twilight,” Sweetie Belle said as she shook her head. “But it really seems like those three saved the day.” Sweetie frowned heavily. Most the other ponies around quickly matched her expression.
Scootaloo was the first to speak up. “I think I need ice cream to deal with this situation.”
“Me too,” Apple Bloom chimed in.
“Me three!” Sweetie Belle said.
Love Tap smiled. “Well, you all did a great job combating and surviving the undead, I think a little treat is in order.”
“Yay!” Button said triumphantly as he reared up on his back legs and flailed his front legs about.
Love Tap and the group of foals began to trot of after Grim and the other two girls.
Twilight’s lower lip began to quiver. “But…” she said, her voice starting to crack.
Spike rested a gentle claw on Twilight’s side. “Forget it Twilight. Maybe somepony else will accidently summon the evil dead and you can save the town from certain and gruesome doom next time.”
Twilight sighed. “You’re just saying that.”
“No I’m ice cream!” Spike insisted.
Twilight cocked an eyebrow at Spike.
Spike grinned nervously. “Erm… I… I should really catch up with everypony else.” Spike turned towards the group of ponies walking towards the only slightly destroyed Ponyville downtown. “Hey guys!” Spike called out. “Wait up!”
‘Grchrchrchrch…’
Twilight looked up to see Gibson dragging his heavy amp over towards her, the wheels on it bent and broken. He stopped a few yards away and held his guitar up in play position. “So…” Gibson smiled and strummed his guitar a few times. “Word on the street is you like ponies who can play the guitar.”
Twilight let out a long continuous groan as she shot a grumpy look in no particular direction and began to trot off. “I’m going back to bed,” she announced.
Gibson’s face lit up. “I like where this conversation is going!”
-ooo-
“More evil! More!” Diamond Tiara shouted in a demanding tone.
Grim sighed as he squeezed his bony hand causing green goo to ‘splurt’ out of the squeeze bottle was holding and completely cover a large bowl of ice cream Diamond Tiara was sitting in front of.
“Yesssss!” Diamond Tiara said in a triumphant hiss as her ice cream was soon lost under a heap of viscus slime. She dug a spoon into the messy mass and started shoveling it into her mouth.
Grim tossed the now empty bottle behind him. The sound of already broken glass clattering could be heard as it bounced along the debris covered ground.
“Can I have blood and guts on mine?” Silver Spoon asked.
Grim narrowed his eyes at Silver Spoon. “No.”
“Well, can I have strawberry since that looks like blood and guts?”
Grim gave Silver Spoon and irate look as he clasped his hands together then opened them creating a swirling dark purple portal that seemed to scream out with the sounds of a mass of people in pain. He reached in and pulled out a squeeze bottle labeled ‘strawberry’ and handed it to Silver Spoon.
“Did your parents not hug you enough, child?” Grim asked in a grumpy tone.
Silver Spoon took the squeeze bottle into her hooves. “No. No, they did not.”
“How’d you get stuck babysitting those two anyway?”
Grim looked up at the pony who asked him. Love Tap sat at a both surrounded on either side by foals who happily dug at bowls of ice cream. Spike also sat at an end, busily making short work of his own bowl.
Grim gave Love Tap an exhausted look. “These two brats caused so much trouble in the afterlife they became my problem!”
Love Tap shook her head. “Why am I not surprised…?”
‘Ring!’
‘THUD!’
The sound of a bell ringing followed by a door falling off its hinges could be heard as a pink pony with a curly mane walked in followed by a grey pony with a straight purple main in a greyish-blue frock.
“…I’m telling you, Maud,” Pinkie said to the pony following her. “There’s nothing like a bowl of ice-cream after a hard day of exploding and crushing the undead.”
“Sure, Pinkie,” Maud replied in a monotone.
“Hey, Pinkie!” Spike greeted as he hopped down from his booth and walked over to the two mares. “You two survived the undead attack okay, I see.”
Pinkie blew a dismissive gust of air past flapping lips. “Pffbfffbfffbbbft! Maudie and I used to deal with the undead all the time back at the rock farm.”
Spike raised an eyebrow as he glanced at Maud. “… I thought your sister was named ‘Obsidian’.”
Pinkie shook her head. “Noper! You must have mesretconed—IMEAN, misremembered.”
