The Solution
The Problem
“Spike, I think we need to talk.”
Those were definitely not the words the dragon wanted to hear right now. Any other day, especially a sunny one like now, it might have just been the alicorn needing his assistance with a simple task. Then and there, however, they carried with them a sense of gloom and foreboding. “Go away, Twilight. I don’t feel like talking,” he groaned, trying to completely cover himself with his bed sheets, which is hard to do when you’ve tripled your size since you moved from a basket to a bed.
“Spike, I just finished talking with Flitter. She seemed worried about you, asking if you were all right. Mind telling me why?” The alicorn walked slowly into the room as she spoke, her wings shuffling slightly behind her.
“You told her I wasn’t home, right?” The dragon mumbled, refusing to peek out from under his covers at the alicorn, wishing that she'd give him his privacy for once. Even after their old home was destroyed and they moved into the castle, he still hasn't gotten a room of his own. But even if he did, there’s no way Twilight would ever let him have a lock on it. Sometimes her protectiveness and good intentions went just a little too far for his liking.
“I... I told her you were unavailable and that she should try again later,” Twilight slowly replied while using her magic to close the door behind her. “It was technically the truth, but you know I don’t like lying to anypony. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”
“But I’m a dragon,” he replied with a snort, rapidly blinking as the curtains were magically pulled back to let in the sunlight, much to his chagrin.
“I’m holding you to the rule as well, Spike. Seeing that you live in my house, you must abide by my rules,” she said sternly. “Now... do you mind telling me why Flitter seemed so distraught? She seemed very concerned with you. But when I tried to press for the reason, she wouldn’t say why.”
“It’s none of your business,” Spike said grumpily. “Just let me wallow in my self-pity in peace.”
“Self-pity? Spike, did you do something... wrong on your date with Flitter?”
She didn’t sound surprised.
“Oh, I don’t know, what could I have done wrong?” He asked, practically dripping with sarcasm through every word. “It’s not like I haven’t been on tons of dates these past few years.” Which indeed he had, since growing up seemed to open up a whole new world for the young dragon as he matured and become, by pony standards, quite handsome. In fact, most ponies didn’t even seem to mind that he wasn’t a pony, and more often than not, he had been the target of affection for quite a few single mares out there.
Yes, handsome to ponies, but for all he knew, he was hideously ugly to other dragons.
“Spike, did you... did you say something about her weight? Or her figure? You know that’s a touchy subject with mares...”
“I... what? No! No, of course not,” he replied, pulling the covers back enough to let Twilight see his irritated glare. “She’s a pegasus, Twilight; they hardly weigh anything as it is. And no, I’m not stupid enough to comment on a mare’s weight... even if she does need to stop eating all those bonbons,” he added.
Twilight frowned, almost discretely glancing back at her butt. “I can’t help it if I find them so delicious, or that Mrs. Cake keeps sending me a big box of them for every holiday... So, if you didn’t say anything about her figure... did you, you know... say something about her mane? Or her dress?”
Spike sighed, letting the covers cover his face once more. “Twilight, her mane was done up wonderfully, and I told her so. She was happy when I told her she looked great. Her dress? Twilight, it was a date; ponies don’t usually wear clothes except on very special occasions, and trust me, I would know if this was a special occasion. No, she didn’t wear a dress. She just wore some frilly sunhat that really matched her eyes.”
“Then just what went wrong? You two seemed to have hit it off great, just like all your other dates. Why do they keep going south?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled, wishing he had some alicorn repellent. Sadly, it didn’t exist, though if somepony did invented it, they’d probably make a fortune, at least as far as Spike was concerned.
“Spike, the only way you’re going to get over this is if we talk about it,” Twilight said, rustling her wings behind her as she magically summoned a chair to sit on. Out of habit, she summoned one that was more suited for his size, so she looked a bit too small in it, like a little filly trying to sit at the grown-up’s table during family get-togethers. “Now, tell me, just what is going on?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it, Twi,” the dragon growled. Anypony else might let it go with that kind of insistence, but not Twilight.
“Spike, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; so long as you live in my house, you’ll live by my rules. Now tell me what‘s going on or you’re grounded, mister.”
“But it’s not a house, it’s a glorified palace,” he groaned. “Plus, I’m too old to be grounded.”
“Semantics, and no, you’re never too old to be grounded,” Twilight said.
“Why can’t you just respect my privacy?”
“Because you live with me, Spike, and only me. Privacy is a gift given to those you trust, not a right. And right now, I’m not feeling all that generous, because I’m under the impression that you don’t trust me. I gave you a reasonable curfew, let you live here without paying rent, even though you have a job that pays well, and frankly, the work you do around here isn’t always up to par with what I ask for! Spike, I’m not trying to be your enemy, but I have to know what’s wrong so I can help you deal with it!”
“But what if I don’t want your help?! What if you can’t help?” Spike asked.
“Then we’ll come to that conclusion after we’ve exhausted all other legitimate options,” she replied. “Now tell me, for the last time, just what is wrong?”
He couldn’t help but sigh, he’d been hiding this from Twilight for so long that he thought he’d keep it forever, something that’s been with him ever since... ever since the dreaded monster called puberty hit him. “More like misery,” he thought as he pulled the covers back to reveal his face. Probably appeared rather pathetic, he thought, since his sheets only covered him from about his knees up to his forehead. Maybe he should just buy himself a new bed; then again, Twilight managed his finances as well, and would likely only let him buy one if he made it every day before he left for work.
“It all started on my date with Celery Stalk.”
“Ah, I remember her: green mane, brown eyes, liked to wear sequins. Nice mare, if not a bit too lacking in the common sense department. Go on.”
“We hit it off great, and after the first, I don’t know, dozen and a half dates, she invited me back to her place long after we were done with dinner and we, well... we were going to, you know... but things got... awkward.”
“They did? How?”
“I’d rather not say. But after that... disaster, we mutually broke it off. I bet you’re the first pony to even hear about it, seeing as we swore never to talk about it again, and seeing that it isn’t news all around Equestria, she’s either kept her word or just doesn’t want to tell anypony out of sheer embarrassment, because I know she’d never forget it.”
“Has... has this been the standard procedure for most of your relationship-ending dates?”
“Most? More like every single one of them,” Spike mumbled, shutting his eyes as faces flew through his mind. Most were of shock, some were just astonished, and a few were embarrassed beyond words. He could still see them all: staring at him, judging him. “We’d have a great time for the first few dates, and then... we break it up; usually mutually, I might add.” He usually felt like a scumbag for being the one to break it, hence the mutual decision-making. Must have been that draconic honor inside him or something.
The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, until Twilight spoke up. “So... what exactly do you... say that makes your dates... fall apart?”
“It’s not really something I said, really. It’s more along the lines of... something else.” He muttered, too melancholically to feel embarrassed about telling Twilight all of this. She was like his big sister, his best friend, and to tell her this was just so... odd. Or it would have been, if he even cared anymore.
“Like what?” she asked, her curiosity evident and apparently growing.
“It’s more along the lines of something I... do,” he muttered. “When you were on one of your dates, have things ever become... heated?”
“Oh,” Twilight replied, a slight blush creeping over her face. “Well... sometimes, yes. But I doubt that... Oh! Did... did you set something on fire?”
Spike looked at her like she grew a second horn. “How did you come to a conclusion like that?”
“Well, you said “heated”, and you are a dragon, so I thought...”
“No,” Spike said, abruptly cutting off her dwindling response. “No, I never set anything on fire. I didn’t accidentally eat any of their possessions, either,” he added as she opened her mouth.
“Oh,” Twilight said, sounding slightly embarrassed. “Then what happened?”
“I said things would get heated. I think you figure out the rest,” he said, wishing to just curl up and hibernate until this whole mess blew over. Maybe he’d try out one of those hundred-year naps. Surely by the time he woke up, everypony he’d ever dated would’ve been long gone and his secret would truly be safe.
In the mean time, Twilight was sitting silently for a few more minutes, trying to connect the dots amidst Spike’s cryptic answers. After a while, she looked upon Spike with sympathetic eyes. “Did... did they laugh at it?”
“What?” He replied, almost too shocked to be shocked.
“Did they laugh at your... you know... penis?”
Spike was silent for about two seconds. “No, they didn’t laugh. At least, not at first.”
“Is it... is it because it’s small?” Twilight asked.
“What? No!” Spike shouted indignantly. “They never laughed because it was small! It’s not small!”
“Calm down, Spike. Calm down, there’s nothing wrong with having what you think is a substandard penis,” Twilight said in a rather technical manner. “Plenty of stallions have penises of varying size, and-,”
“I’m telling you again, it’s not small,” Spike said with a glare.
“Then why would they laugh at all?” Twilight said, slightly amused by Spike’s defensiveness. He was way too uptight, still trying to woo Rarity subconsciously, even after he’d completely given up on her and moved on. Body image this, body image that…
“They laughed out of shock,” Spike said. “They laughed to relieve stress, Twilight. Stress brought on by the fact that I could never be intimate with them. All because of my dick.”
“Please, Spike. I understand where you’re coming from,” the alicorn replied slowly, as if not trying to giggle at Spike’s flustering. “Is it shaped oddly, like a corkscrew? Is it spiny? I remember reading that some dragons had barbs on their corkscrew penises to remove competitor’s sperm from the female dragon’s vagina, but I’d never thought that you-,”
“What? No! Dear Celestia, no!” the dragon shouted, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. Why was she making this so difficult to explain? “My dick doesn’t have any barbs or spines or blades or crap like that. It’s not shaped like a football, or a corkscrew, or some damned prehensile tail. It’s just... it’s just too big, okay?”
Twilight blinked once, twice, and then a third time before speaking again. “Come again?”
“You heard me, the truth’s out, cat’s outta the bag and all that stuff,” Spike said, rolling over to look away from the alicorn. “There, you happy? I’ve been in and out of relationships like crazy because my dick is too big. It never got me into a relationship, but I’ve been out of all of them because of it.”
He heard nothing for a few minutes. “Can... can I see it?” she asked, her voice now tentative and subdued.
Spike turned slowly back, wondering if he had heard that right. “Come again?”
“Can... can I see it?” Twilight asked. “These mares, you think they’ve rejected you because of your size. I’ve seen penises before, so I can say I’ll be a good judge of its true size, and whether or not that is the case.”
“Twilight, ogling penises in a porno magazine doesn’t count as “seeing” a penis.”
Twilight frowned even as a blush crept across her face. “How’d you find my magazines? I kept those a secret for my... research.”
“Sure you did,” the dragon muttered with a snort. “Twilight, keeping them in a box under your bed marked “research materials” isn’t exactly very discreet. Like trying to hide your romance novels under a stack of parchment; it’s really obvious.”
The pony huffed in response to that; time to get a new hiding spot for her rather large and still-growing collection. “May I just see it, please? I promise I’ll leave you alone if you do.”
The dragon sighed, rolling back the covers, and placing his hands down around his waistline to begin fumbling with several of his scales. “Kind of hard to do this when I’m not, you know... raring to go,” he muttered. Ugh, this was just so weird…
“Then think of something arousing, if it helps,” the alicorn replied.
“Oh, gee. Thanks Twilight, you’re so helpful,” Spike said, rolling his eyes. Hmm, what to think of…
Oh yeah, Zecora’s butt. And a mighty fine butt it was: so big, firm, and muscular, without a lick of fat on it. It was hard for him, or just about any stallion (or mare) in town not to stare at it bounce every time she walked past…
Oh. Yep, there we go. He thought as he moved his hands out of the way as several of his scales slid behind others as he sat back and relaxed.
“Is it happening?” Twilight asked, peering closer to where the scales were moving apart, trying to see something she’s never seen on Spike before. “Is that-,”
Like a tree growing at a very fast pace, Twilight saw a great shiny... cap come up out of his scales, almost like the top of a mushroom. Only, where most mushrooms were short, this one just kept growing, and growing, and growing, absolutely just slithering out of the hole through the scales…
Channeling her inner Fluttershy, Twilight simply said, “Oh... my.”
It was... it was just... the term “massive” didn’t do it justice. Throbbing slightly, likely in tune with Spike’s now-elevated heartbeat, it slowly swayed back and forth, seemingly under its own power. Shiny, veiny, and as purple as the rest of Spike’s bodily scales, it seemed almost larger than life, larger than the room, larger than-,
“Hey, Twilight. Are you alright?” Spike asked, snapping her out of a daze she hadn’t known she was in. “You seemed kind of… distracted.”
“Oh, um, yeah. Yeah, I’m... fine,” Twilight said, watching the veins slowly pulsate along the immensely long shaft. “Spike, how long... how long have you been like... like this?”
“Remember when I started shedding my scales a couple years back?” he asked as she wordlessly nodded her head, still a bit transfixed on the veiny cock in front of her. “Yeah, when that happened; you never told me puberty would be so bad.”
“Well, puberty for ponies and puberty for dragons are two completely different things, and I’m not a dragon, so I wouldn’t have any prior knowledge,” the purple alicorn said, frequently licking her lips to prevent some drool from escaping. “How... how do you even fit it in your scales?” It was, in her mind, nearly twice the size of the biggest dick she had ever seen, even in those nudie stallion comics she’d have to find a new hiding place for, and even that may have been an understatement. To add to that, Spike wasn’t done growing. Just how big would he get?
How did he not have back pains or stretch marks from this monster?
“It goes soft and I tuck it back it,” the dragon said with a straight face. “And no, I can’t get hard when I haven’t moved my scales out of the way; it’s like some natural defense mechanism, to prevent me from, I don’t know, hurting my junk. I mean, ponies... it’s always out there, out in the open, but nopony talks about it. We dragons dig through stone and stuff without any problem, Twilight. Of course we’d have to find a way to hide our junk to make sure it doesn’t get hurt.”
Twilight thoughtfully tapped her chin with her hoof. “Well, Spike. What about your... your testicles? Do they come out as well?”
“No, actually,” he replied. “I read somewhere that reptiles kind of keep them internal or something. So, maybe... I do as well? I don’t know if mine come out or not, but I do know that they’re above it, because I can sorta feel them in there.”
“Above? What do you mean above?” the alicorn asked, sounding confused.
“Well, what’s the word you would use? Anta... anto... ante-anterior! Yeah, that’s it: anterior. I think it said anterior to the penis, so... up inside of me, above where my penis comes out?”
“Oh!” Twilight replied. “Yes, of course. How could I not have thought of that sooner? Dragons are, by and large, reptilian in nature, so I guess being anatomically similar would undoubtedly be not too far-fetched to imagine. And here I thought it was merely some form of conveniently convergent evolution.”
“...right,” Spike said slowly. “Please talk in a way I can understand from now on, okay? Now, about me and my... size problem... Do you have any potions or spells that could, you know, help me out?”
“Well, not many spells work on dragons, and potions designed for ponies won’t necessarily work on dragons in the same way,” the alicorn said slowly, watching as the massive glistening penis in front of her slowly slid back into its internal sheath, a disappearance she wasn’t exactly happy about. How the heck did it even fit in there? Were Spike’s testicles of a similarly ludicrous size? “Besides, there’d be inherent dangers in trying any of that.”
“Like what?”
“Well, for starters, if we were able to shrink your penis down to a more manageable size, and you were to... engage in coitus with a mare, and if for some reason, the spell dissipated while you were still... inside her, then things might get very bad for everypony.”
“How bad?”
“Bad bad: the kind of bad where we’ll either have to surgically remove it, or that you will literally “rip her a new one”: a new vagina, that is. Or possibly that your penis will be crushed inside of her like a grape. of course, that’s assuming your penis isn’t as durable as the rest of you.”
“Oh, well, yeah, I guess that’d be very bad,” Spike said, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “For either of us.” He didn’t want to tell Twilight that he accidentally cracked the stone wall in the bathroom while swinging his dick around like an idiot, just a few months back. Thankfully he had the time to grab a painting that could cover it up before Twilight saw.
“That’s not even the half of it,” Twilight said. “Besides, for all we know, the spell would backfire and your genitals would swell to gargantuan proportions, even by the standards they are now, or they’d shrink down so small that, well... let’s just say they’d still laugh at you, but for a different reason.”
“So, using a spell to shrink it down is out of the question,” he replied. “What about potions? Surely there has to be something that could help me.”
“I’m not so sure, Spike,” the purple alicorn replied with a nonchalant shrug of her wings. “I mean, dragons can process almost anything they ingest, be it gemstones, rocks, or even those nasty cupcakes Applejack made with Pinkie Pie all those years ago that made everypony else sick. Add to that the fact that the tolerance levels for dragons vary far more differently than ponies, and we could see some very unexpected results.”
“Like what?”
“Making it change colors, for one, though that could be a benefit, depending on the color preference of the partner, or it could give you a very bad rash, severe swelling, an inability to maintain an erection, and even abnormal lesions if we tried any of the stronger potions. All of that is even assuming the potions would affect you. Face it Spike, there really isn’t much we could do to you to sort out this problem. It seems you just won’t be able to find a partner in ponies.”
Spike covered his face with his hands, feeling utterly hopeless. He wasn’t attracted to any other race (that he knew of, anyway) , and to be denied it, even just for a relationship that wouldn’t involve a life-long commitment to one another... it was just tragic to him.
All because of his big ol’ dick.
Talk about irony; he’d been given a tool that might normally make so many fantasies come true, but as it would seem, he had overachieved in that department, far greater than what many stallions might feel was a gift from the heavens.
Was he going to be celibate for the rest of his life, like some monk, high in the hills? Was he forever doomed to never know the touch of another creature, to cuddle with after a night of totally hot and awesome sex?
In his dismay, Spike could only wonder; if the problem was his huge dick, then maybe he was looking at this situation all wrong? What if there was a way to circumvent his problem without really addressing his, well, problem? Twilight had said there wasn’t much they could do for his pussy pulverizing penis, so any solution that didn’t involve him was a welcome one. He was desperate, so following that train of thought was all he could do at the moment.
“Twilight?” Spike suddenly asked.
“Yes?”
“What about... instead of trying to change me... what about, I don’t know, making a mare... bigger? You know, making her larger than a normal pony? Wouldn’t her vagina follow suit with the rest of her and increase in size as well?”
“Well, Spike. Growth spells are tricky, and I’m not sure many mares would want to date you, only to find out they have to undergo a process to give themselves an enormous vagina, just so they can have sex with you,” Twilight said. “Then, we would have to worry about the same things, like the spell wearing off mid-coitus or becoming irreversible. Still, even then, they would have to be a truly cavernous vagina at that; I’ve seen you at what I assume was full mast, and there... there... huh. Wait a minute; why didn’t I think of that?”
“What?” Spike asked, noticing a small smirk growing on Twilight’s face. “What is it? Think of what?”
“I know just the pony we can talk to about that,” she said with a snicker, a sound that Spike found to be at odds with the situation they were in. “Ponies, actually.”
“Who? Is it somepony I know?” The dragon asked. “Wait, ponies? As in plural?”
“Yes, Spike. You know them very well, and I don’t think you’ll be against what I have in mind,” the princess said triumphantly, as if she had come up with the greatest idea since sliced bread and butter.
“How do you know that?” he skeptically asked, recalling the last time Twilight told him that he wouldn’t be against an idea of hers, where he ended up being forced to catch a swarm of frogs she gifted with bat wings.
“Just trust me,” she said, stepping down off her chair. “Come now, we have a train to catch.”
A train? “They live far away?” Spike asked, wondering just who Twilight was talking about. “Wait, isn’t your schedule for today like, totally crazy?”
“Nope!” the purple alicorn replied, smiling somewhat maniacally as she magically threw back Spike’s bed sheets. “I did everything before Flitter came by, and so I’m free for the rest of the day! Now come on, it’s time to go!”
One train ride later, Spike found himself in literally the last place he’d expect to find the sort of ponies Twilight was talking about.
“Canterlot? Really?” He asked as Twilight led him down the streets, past several clothing stores and a bakery. “You sure the ponies that can help fix my problem are here?”
“Of course!” Twilight cheerfully replied. “I am confident they’ll be able to help you; more so than I could, anyway.” Even as she said this, she rounded a corner and glanced back, only to see Spike had stopped. “Is something the matter?”
“Um... are we going to the palace?” He asked tentatively.
“Why, yes. Yes we are!” the purple alicorn replied.
“But why would we do that? Why didn’t you just tell me where we were going instead of remaining quiet the whole train ride over?”
“Spike, Spike, Spike. That would be spoiling the surprise, now, wouldn’t it? Come on, follow me.”
“Maybe one of the princesses could help me find a solution.” Spike muttered to himself as he followed behind his “sister”.
Within a couple of minutes, and after a few friendly exchanges with several guards, Spike found himself alongside Twilight, looking up at Equestria’s reigning monarchs in all their regal splendor, sitting upon their thrones with their manes flowing majestically in the complete absence of a breeze. Of the two, Celestia had barely changed at all from when Spike was a hatching, but since her return, Luna has changed drastically; she no longer resembled the shorter alicorn she once was, like Cadence or Twilight are now, she was much taller, nearly eye level with her sister, thanks to a growth spurt (at some point in time) that shaped her body as well, making it as lithe as her sisters. The only thing that has yet to match was her horn; still longer than any normal unicorn, but still years off from reaching her length.
They both smiled warmly down at them, as the younger alicorn and her dragon friend were only interrupting a time of royal boredom. One might think the life of a royal was filled daily with excitement, intrigue and the constant workload of running a country. Many failed to realize it was more often than not inter-spaced by long stretches of incredibly dull nothingness.
“Your highnesses, I come to you in a time of great need,” Twilight said, giving a slight bow.
“Please, Twilight. There is no need for you to bow,” Celestia said simply with a small giggle. “You’re a princess; amongst us, there is only equality, not subservience.”
“Pray tell, what might this need be, young Twilight?” Luna asked, her Canterlot voice no longer an issue since she began listening to Trotty Robbins’ inspirational tapes and taking some language courses at the local university. It was a good thing her bank account had been untouched for those thousand years of her exile, or else she might have gone broke while paying to replace all the windows she accidentally destroyed whenever she got angry at her instructor or became frustrated with her lessons. “Is there trouble in Ponyville or elsewhere in the kingdom?”
“No, no. No real trouble to report,” Twilight said. “Everything’s fine, for once.”
“Says you,” Spike muttered underneath his breath, glancing out towards the window...
“However, Spike has a problem, and I was hoping one or both of you would be able to assist him with it,” she continued, as if she hadn’t been interrupted.
Celestia raised a slight eyebrow to Twilight, briefly looking over towards her sister and receiving only a quick shrug before turning back to her former student. “Go on,” Celestia said. “We’re listening.”
“Spike has grown into a fine and handsome young dragon, much to the joy of many mares in and around Ponyville, but he... he has a problem that I believe only you could find a solution to.”
“What sort of problem?” Celestia asked.
“Yes, young Twilight, why might you think we have a solution for a problem we know nothing about?” Luna asked as well.
Without preamble, Twilight fluttered up to the two princesses and began to whisper into their ears. If not for the fluttering of her wings, Spike may have been able to hear what she was saying, but since he could not, he sat in silence and watched as the smaller princess whispered to the other two, up until Spike noticed something... odd. For one, Celestia seemed to be listening very intently, as if Twilight were conveying state secrets that could undo any attacking power. Luna, on the other hoof, was looking at him with a peculiar expression, one he couldn’t quite place. Surprise? Incredulity? Perhaps even... pride?
It was just so confusing to him. So, naturally, he did what he always did when Twilight was talking, and let his mind wander to Zecora’s big jiggly butt…
“Spike?”
Blinking, Spike saw Celestia and Luna standing in front of him. He had been so spaced out he hadn’t even seen them get off their thrones and approach him. “Yeah?”
“Spike, my sister and I believe we have a... solution to your problem,” Celestia said as a small smile formed on her lips.
“Oh, thank you!” Spike gratefully replied. Finally, ponies who can help me without risking bodily harm to myself or anypony!
“If you would follow us,” Luna continued, discretely looking the dragon over as he rose to his full height. “We shall begin our... research to help solve your problem.”
Trotting after a suddenly conspiratorial-looking alicorns, to which he paid no mind, Spike glanced over to Twilight, who just gave him a friendly wave.
“Good luck,” she called out as Spike followed Luna into a separate room. “Have fun,” she added to her mentor.
Celestia grasped the doors with her magic as she passed through. “Oh we will, my faithful student,” she said with a wink. “And you may tell the guards that we are not to be disturbed until we have left our quarters.” And with a sharp click, the door closed with several large tumblers sliding into place before a large metal grate came down in front of them, followed by several large sheets of brass rings and a very large, velvet curtain. Almost as an afterthought, a small sign hung itself on the curtains at eye-level, simply stating “Do Not Disturb” in bright golden letters.
From inside the room, though barely, the purple alicorn could hear Spike speaking.
“So, just what are we going to do... wait a minute, what are two doing? Why are you looking at me like that? Luna, stop licking me there, that’s not like you. Celestia, what are doing below my stomach? That’s... that’s... oh. Oh, that feels good...”
“Well, I won’t be seeing Spike for a while,” Twilight said to herself as she walked off towards the entrance. The guards knew very well that Celestia and Luna had not been pleasured by any guards, as it was not only improper, but no guard was “large” enough to satisfy their absolutely massive needs. In fact, Twilight only knew about their condition because of a drunken experience during a sleepover, when all of them had decided to share their sex toys; she still didn’t know how Celestia had fit the one that was the size of a small watermelon in there. “Still, I should send Flitter a letter, telling her that Spike will be indisposed for some time...”
That “some time” turned out to be over a week.