After cursed, a man is met with a very strange companion from a vending machine.
When a gypsy curses a man named Radek he didn't think much of it, but as he goes about his day a strange phenomenon takes hold and he meets a new friend made out of glass.
"So what did you do?" John asked, dropping a few coins into the machine before us. "I mean, how do you deal with that kind of crap?"
I shrugged, waiting for my turn with the vending machine. "Gypsies are weird. I mean, it's not like I actually believe any of that crap." I let out a pent up breath, watching as a drink fell into the machine's bin. "...Sprite, seriously?"
John glared at me as he grabbed his can. "Bite me. Just because you get the same thing every time doesn't mean I can't change it up!"
I scoffed, "Sure, but sprite is just gross." I walked up to the machine and started feeding it my money. "I mean- well anyways, back to the gypsy thing. When some crotchety old woman says I'm going to suffer the fate of the farmer's daughter, I'm not really going to take her serious--"
"Oof, ow, ouch!" A sweet voice cried out as the machine rattled and clanked. It looked like something big was falling in place of the can.
I looked back at John, "What the hell is that?" I asked, limply pointing to the machine as it continued to make a racket.
John planted his can on his head. "Uh...I don't know ma--"
We both stopped as a horse's head popped out of the machine's slot. The horse's head was full of sloshing amber liquid, its mane a deep red brown. The horse looked around at us, the liquid just not filling the tips of her ears. "...Hi!"
John freaked out, "Holy shit!" he promptly tossed his drink down and ran off, screaming like a mad man the whole way. I just stood there, watching as the glass creature pulled her way from the machine. It was rather impressive, watching what turned out to be a pony, drag herself from the slot of a drink machine.
The red mane'd pony dragged herself free, standing with a loud, clink. "Oh wow, hi there!" she chirped looking me over, "We're friends now!" She promptly threw herself at me, wrapping around my leg.
I continued to stare, in utter awe of the situation. "....What...the fuck...bro?"
The cold glass pony continued to hug my leg, nuzzling up and down my thigh. "I love you...."
I slowly eased into it, the cold creature wrapped around my leg proving to be no threat. I didn't like having her curled around me, but I wasn't dead yet and I didn't want to accidentally change that. "Hey...that's great, now how about you--"
The glass pony looked up at me, sporting a brilliant pair of red-orange eyes. "Hey, you want a drink!?"
"Wait wha--" I was cut off as the pony jumped up onto two legs and hugged me like an actual person. She was easily a foot shorter on two legs, but still able to wrap herself around my chest and squeeze me tight. "...Why are you wet!?" I yelped, looking out to the parking lot of the store I worked.
The living bottle of coke buried her surprisingly soft mane against my chest. "Condensation silly!"
I glared at the living glass pony. "...No shit, so what the hell are you then!?"
The pony's expression went blank, quickly falling to her side and looking herself over. "I- I'm a bottle...of soda.... Is that not what you wanted?"
I started to frown, the monstrosity's sheer innocence making it hard to be mad at her. "I uh...I just wanted a soda is all...not...this," I held my hand out, gesturing to her as she clung to my chest. "I mean...this is admittedly just a little crazy."
The soda filled pony cocked her head. "So...do you want a drink?"
I looked down at the strange cold mare, her liquid filling up her hooves and settling around her neck. "I- can I drink you? Is that a thing? Like is that- I know you're soda...it's obvious from the fizzing, but how- how do I drink you!?"
The living beverage smiled up at me, her cold glass limbs pressed tight against my body. Her forelegs were nearly empty, yet still inexplicably cold. "Kiss me!"
I glared at the living bottle. "...Fuck off with that."
The bottle's ears clinked against her back of her head. "...But you look thirsty...and I'm your drink...."
I ducked down, putting my hand on the mare's head. "Then...how do I drink you?"
The mare grew a bit angry. "Kiss me."
"No...how about no." I cooed, sounding extremely condescending as I felt her condensation slather my hand in icy dampness. "I'm thirsty...and I don't want a romantic relationship with a horse, a bottle of coke, or any of that shit. I would like a dr--"
The mare's pouting face was thrown against mine. A strangely familiar glassy sensation pressed against my lips. I felt a strange, smooth tongue force past my lips, pressing against mine and holding me in place. I felt a low moan rumble through my head as a slow rush of coke ran into my mouth. I stared into the pony's mane, enjoying the sugary taste.
I could help but give a soft subconscious moan as I ran my tongue along the bottle pony's own. The amazingly flexible glass was amazingly agile, massaging my tongue with a constant stream of soda and the cold touch of her own. It felt a little troublesome having such a hard object in my mouth, but the feeling of my lips against cold glass felt natural.
I moved my hands to the mare's cold glass flank's lifting her up and hurrying the rush of soda. She let out a soft whimper as I chugged her insides. I only stopped when I felt something cold press against my nose, popping my eyes open and finding the soda slowly churning out of her.
I watched the fizzing drink leave my sight, the dull pony tongue in my mouth going dry and sliding across my own like mad. I gave in for a sheer moment, sucking at her tongue. It felt horridly wrong, but the sensation was delightful. But seconds later the drink pulled back, taking a few hollow steps back. She was completely empty, her glass skin sweating slightly. "I uh...I'm glad you liked it." She closed her eyes and carefully laid down. "Now I'm just gonna...gonna take a nap...okay?"
I wiped a bit of residual coke off my lips and stretched my jaw. "I uh...that was...." The bottle mare just laid perfectly still, not moving. "Um...hello? I- hello?" I looked back at the empty lot, "Please don't be--" But as I returned all that was left was an empty bottle of coke, not even a can, so my hallucinations weren't completely false.
I stood up and took a quick look around. It was mid day, yet no one else was outside. I felt alone, especially so with John gone. "Hmm...." I walked up to the machine and slid a few quarters on.
"Owwie, ow, ow!" the machine churned and grumbled, eventually spitting something into the bottom tray. A replica pony poke her head out, "Oh.... Hi again!"
I stared out my window, Coke pony sitting across from me and dripping condensation. "...Radek...it's hot."
I nodded, rubbing my brow and leaning back into my chair. "Yeah.... You wanna go in the fridge?"
Coke pony smiled wide. "Can I fit?"
I stood up, starting off towards my kitchen. "Eh, we'll figure something out."
Coke pony's hooves clinked against the floor, slowly following me with a loud fizz. "Radek...you're not thirsty?"
I shrugged. "Not right now, probably after I trim the tree, by then you'll be nice and cold." I pushed the swinging door to my kitchen open, holding it for the glass horse. "...I mean.... Hmm, never mind." I mumbled, thanking god that I only had the one mare to deal with.
Coke pony sauntered past, hooves even louder when forced against the linoleum floor of the kitchen. She started at the fridge, smiling wide and fizzing. "What are we gonna do in the fridge Mr?"
I glared at her. "...How do you even know that joke?"
"...Um...Chrome pony...." She mumbled poking the ground with her hoof. "I thought it'd be funny...."
I let out a quick groan and yanked open my fridge. "Get in the--" I stopped, looking into the over stuffed mess. "...Damn.... Well, you're not going in there."
Coke pony snaked her way between my legs. "Aw...but--"
"Freezer it is!" I shouted, slamming the door closed and pulling my freezer open. A huge space was left over since I'd cleared it out. "You fit in a vending machine...you'll fit in there right?"
Coke pony pressed her hooves against the fridge, looking into the freezer and forcing her liquid to settle in her chest and neck. "Um.... It's a little too cold in there."
I shrugged. "I'll just have to get you out of there before you freeze. I'll set a timer or something."
Coke shifted around nervously. "Um...but--"
"It's either the freezer or you get to hang out in the heat, what's it gonna be?"
Coke let out a soft whimper. "...You promise you won't forget me?"
"I bought a pack of coke just so you could come hang out with me!" I shouted, picking her up and lifting her towards the freezer. "Just take a nap, chill out and we'll talk later."
Coke grumbled and moaned as I stuffed her in my ice covered freezer. "Ah-ahhh, it's cold...."
"It's a freezer." I stated, stuffing her head into the freezer and slowly closing the door. "You gonna be okay in there?"
Coke snuggled into the tight space. "Uh...just please don't let me freeze."
I closed the door, enjoying the small hiss as the cold air swirled around the freezer. "I won't!" I yelped, hurrying out of the kitchen and into the garage. The places smelled like power tools but it was my baby. I had tools from fifty years ago, brand new tools, gas powered, electric, I loved tools.
"Where'd I leave that stupid--"
"Hello, sir!" A husky, sir yes sir, voice snapped from a pile of rags. A petite pony with a trim mane and a pull-cord tail wiggled free, her mane black, her coat a slick red-orange. "Chainsaw, reporting!"
I stared at the black orange pony, growing a little fed up with the ponies since my toaster talked to me for an hour before turning back to normal. "...Seriously? Can I not trim a fucking tree in peace?"
Chainsaw walked up to me, looking me up and down. "Sir?"
I let out a worn out sigh and grabbed the pony. "What ever, let's get started...." I hoisted the pony up to my ear, giving her a quick shake. "...You're empty."
Chainsaw groaned wobbily. "Uh-uh-uh-ye-eh-es." I set her down, leaving her to shake her head and sort herself out. "Um...I am pretty hungry."
I hesitated to ask where her fuel cap was after I had to stuff my toaster's backside full of bread. "So uh.... If I like, give you a gas can and some oil...can you sort yourself ou--"
"Wait!" A rough voice cried out, "Wait! It's dark, just give me a second!" As the voice continued to freak out something tugged my leg.
A bright red pony with a yellow horn was standing at my side. "Um...hi...you...you needed me?" The tiny gas can asked, hiding behind a long yellow mane. "I mean...I was under a bunch of stuff...so I thought I'd find you before you had to find me...."
"Wait!" The rough voice cried out, followed by a loud bang as a paint can hit the ground and a bright silver stallion hopped out from behind a cardboard box. "Ha, made it!" He trotted up to me and snapped his hoof towards me. "Alright, who's getting filled up?"
I felt my face go slack, my ability to understand what fucked up magic was at work obliterated as my Gas Can, my Chainsaw and my Oil stood before me. "I- so-- Fuck it, if we're doing this we're going out back!" I threw my hands up and wandered to the back door of the garage. "So many doors in this stupid place!" I snapped, leading my supplies towards the back patio. "Go on, go, get, outside, andele!" I snapped my fingers, scaring Gas Can and causing the other two to grumble bitterly. "Save it, I just wanted to--"
"Oh my manufacturer!" Chainsaw snapped, staring up at the tree in my back yard. "I-uah- ahhhhhh...." She hung her mouth open, drooling slightly and showing my her bright shiny metal teeth. "Um.... Sir, I want that!"
I shook my head and pulled a seat over to the concrete landing just before my lawn. "Look...you can eat that entire tree, but can you guys just.... Look, one part oil, fifty gas. Can you guys manage that?"
Oil smiled lewdly, "Just tell me who...." He practically moaned, his words dripping off his tongue.
Gas Can blushed hotly, "I- not me right?!"
I rubbed my head as I took a seat, undoubtedly about to witness something unique. "How is oil hormonal? How?" I placed my head in my hands and shook it softly left and right. "Chainsaw needs fuel, badly!" I made a horrid joke, feeling extremely stupid afterwards. "Just...get to it."
Oil started laughing huskily. "Hey baby...I like your pull cord...." I could see something plastic start to grow on Oil's underside. "Come on babe, let's get that gas cap off and get you lubed up."
Chainsaw looked extremely off put by the over eager oil, but slowly reached to her gas cap, situated right under her exhaust, which in turn was right under her tail. "I hope you go stale...."
Gas Can walked up beside me, sitting next to me and watching as the silver coated Oil mount my Chainsaw and give a few starting thrusts. "Um...mister...I'm sorry...."
I looked down at Gas Can as Oil mad a bunch of lewdly wet thrusts. "For what sweetie? You didn't do anything...."
Gas Can shifted uneasily, apparently modestly upset by Oil's lewd thrusting and the sheer appearance of him mounting Chainsaw was rather disturbing. "I know...but...you seemed mad, and I just.... I didn't want to make it worse." She looked up at me with a apologetic expression. "I know...I'm just a container...but I still don't want to make you mad."
"Oh baby...take that slick goo right inside ya' oooo-ooo-here it- fu--" Oil pony jammed himself forward, lifting his head up and forcing his hips against my Chainsaw.
I shook my head at Gas Can. "You don't make me mad sweetheart.... I mean, the fact that I just called a gas can a sweetheart should say a lot.... I mean, I called my toaster an asshole so.... Anyways, what makes me mad is watching my tools fuck in front of me."
Chainsaw let out a disgusted grunt, "...It's really runny...." She kicked her legs out as Oil stepped back, panting and trying to catch his breath.
"Hey...it's lube, it's supposed to be nice and creamy." Oil walked up to me, out of breath and still panting. "Hey...so I'm gonna go back to sleep, call me next time you need some pumping."
I glared at the pompous pony as he walked back into the garage. "...Well...he's a prick." I looked back to the chainsaw as she walked over, a bit of oil dripping from her backside. "Well...I- I mean I'm assuming--" I looked down at the gas can. "How- horn?" I asked, rubbing her head.
The gas can let out a quick squeak. "I- you could pour it out...and then put it--"
Chainsaw stepped up. "Trooper, I just let that greasy jerk inside my gas hole, I need some proper fuel, stat!"
The gas can slowly tried to hid behind me, "I'd rather just--"
I put my arm around her back, pushing her towards Chainsaw. "Please...I really don't want to get covered in gas...."
The chainsaw turned around, exposing the solid black tube where her pussy should be, the cap hanging off by a safety string. "You heard the man! Hup to, hup to!"
The gas can tried to hide behind her mane. "But...you're gonna have to dump it out...and I just...I-- Wait, wait, I'm not ready!" she squealed as I plucked up and tilted her horn-nozzle towards Chainsaw's gas cap. "Wait I don-- Ah- ahhhh." The mare went slack as I tilted her head down, "Oooooooh, it feels so good to let it out."
Chainsaw shifted uneasily. "Oh...it tingles...."
I looked off to the side as the sound of gas hitting the half empty tank reminded my of drunk nights I'd had to piss in a dumpster. "...Nothing weird about this...."
"Chainsaw...I'm sorry it's cold...."
"Just a man--"
Chainsaw let out a short huff, "It's fine, just remember not to flood me."
"-Pissing a gas pony into a chainsaw pony.... Just an average day for an average man." I kept going until I was sure of the ratio and set the blushing gas can down. "...John never had this problem...."
The gas can shivered softly, eyes closed and an adorably lewd pout across her lips. "That felt nice...."
I scrunched up my lips. "Peeing does feel good...now...go chill."
The bashful gas can limped back, "Um...remember to fill me from the pump later...I'm a little low--"
"Garage, now please."
"...Okay."
Left alone with Chainsaw I hopped up from my seat. "Alright...how-- Can you close yourself? I really don't want to touch you...."
Chainsaw craned her head around. "Sir...it'd be easier if you just--"
"Alright, alright fine!" I ducked down and screwed the gas cap back on, my hands slimy from sloppily applied oil. I looked over the mare's red backside, "...Geez, when's the last time I cleaned this stupid thing?" I ran my finger along the exhaust, chipping off a bit of rust. "Gro--"
"Sir....please get your finger out of there."
I quickly realized the equivalent of what I was fingering. "Uh.... I- so...." I walked around to the chainsaw's side. "Gotta just...." I picked her up and started shaking her, the orange mare going stiff to give me the easiest way to grab her. The gas and oil sloshed around her insides, "So, you feel ready?
Chainsaw hummed softly, "Hmm, just pull my cord...and uh...be rough."
I set the mare down. "...This is a sex thing, isn't it?"
The chainsaw shifted softly. "Uh.... I- is it bad if it is?"
"Shut up." I grabbed her plastic flank and gripped the cord. "Three, two, one--" I yanked the cord.
"Ahhrara!"
I waited a few seconds. "...You alright?"
Chainsaw's voice was a bit shaky, "I- that was.... Go on...."
"One, two, th- this is a sex thing isn't it!?" I snapped, hesitating to pull the cord. "Oh fuck it, three!" I yanked the cord again.
"Ah-ha-harara-ra-- Fu- almost...go again...."
I grabbed the cord head a final time. "Three!" I yanked the cord, hearing the familiar sound of the engine starting up.
"Ah-aha-aaaaahrararararARARARARARARARARARA...." Chainsaw started sputtering and shaking softly, a bright red blush over her face as she held her mouth open, her voice shaky and barely composured. "OOOOOH DECKERERERERERERERER!"
I shook my head as I hoisted the orgasmic machine towards the tree, "You think you can chew through this?" I shoved her towards the tree, "I know how to do it, got room--"
"PUT WOOD IN MY M-M-MOUTH!"
"Fuck, fine!" I reached up into the decent sized tree and started letting the ravenous mare chew through branches and scream her, rararararararararar, as she tore the wood apart. "Holy crap!" I pulled her back, watching her chomp and grind the wood chips into her mouth. The bright red blush was still riding across her face, "Cumming and eating is bad for you! Probably...."
"SHUT UPUPP-P-P-P!"
I rolled my eyes and went to work cutting apart the medium sized tree. "Bossy bitch...." I ignored the ripping sound of Chainsaw's eating and went to work destroying the tree. "Come on you bitch, come on!" I snapped, taking the proper chucks out of the base of the tree. "Raaaaaa!" I got into the cutting and constant noise as the vibrating chainsaw chewed through the tree. "There!" I stepped back and switched off the chainsaw.
"RARARARARARA-raaaaaaah Ah- ah- aha--" I set Chainsaw down, watching her catch her breath and chew the wood in her mouth. "Ooooh, that felt good. Taste birch."
I left her to collect herself and went around the side of the tree. It wasn't safe, it wasn't proper, but I slammed my weight into the tree and caused it to slowly tilt to the side and fall over. "Fuck you tree!" I screamed, standing on it. "Yeah! Fuck, that was awesome!"
Chainsaw wandered over to me. "Hey...you gonna eat that?" she poked the tree.
I cocked my head. "Uh...." I reached around her back and gave her cord a quick yank, starting her up and sending her wild. "Hav- aw fuck I left the coke in a fridge!" I shoved the unassumingly dangerous tool to the side and bolted back into the the house. "Shit- shit- shit!" I slipped in the kitchen, quickly forcing myself back up.
I jumped upright, flinging the freezer door open and finding an angry looking coke staring at me. "....C-c-c-cold en-n-nough?"
I smiled wide as she crawled out of the freezer, her insides half frozen slush. She kept her tail down and head hung low. I put my hand on her ice cold back. "I'm really sorry about that."
Coke stared back at me. "...I'm gonna go thaw out...."
I stood there, next to the open door of my freezer. "Uh.... Yeah...." I closed the freezer door, spotting a beaming silver face next to my own. "...Toaster...go away."
I let out a strange snarl as I turned on the shower. "Ponies...horses...at least they're not dogs, no one likes bitches...."
Shower Gel just stared at me, cocking his head to the side. "What...you don't like ponies?"
I shook my head and turned to the back of the cramped shower. "It's getting a bit weird." I turned to a small green mare in the corner. "...Shampoo...." I held my hand out, watching as the green mare spat a glob of soap into my hand. "Thanks...I think." With a glob of bottle spit I went to work washing my greasy hair.
Slowly but surly everything in my life was slowly coming to life, some staying ponified longer than normal, but all eventually turning back into inanimate objects eventually. "I mean...the broom was nice, the vacume was a little creepy but still I don't mind not having to clean up...."
Shower Gel nodded, "I guess.... I mean, I'm not a huge fan of all these ponies butting in all the time...this is our time--"
"Don't make this anymore gay than it already is man...." I mumbled,rinsing off my head. "Toilet was weird enough."
"I love you!" The toilet screamed from the other side of the shower. She was effectively bolted in place with flush trigger ears.
"There's a reason why I piss in the bushes now!" I shot back, turning back to my soap filled friend. "Yo...hook me up." I asked, holding my hand out. The stallion simply smiled.
"What you want? I got mint smell, old--"
"Dude I'm just bumming around the house today...its not a date...."
The bottle pony rolled his eyes and spat a glob of red soap into my hand. "You never know when the ladies are gonna show up, always gotta be ready."
I groaned softly, disgusted by several gifts I'd received. Some of my friends had bought rather embarrassing or strange objects just because they knew about my problem. The worst by far was a technicolor dragon dildo, complete with cum pump. "...Gel, where's that fucking dildo anyways?"
The shower gel filled pony cocked his head. "Don't you think it's a little early for--"
"I meant cause I have to watch her!" I snapped, "I found her looming over me last night.... This is why girls shouldn't have dicks...they just go crazy with them...."
The blue bottle pony scoffed, "It's just a dildo...it's an inanimate obj--"
"You're an inanimate fucking object!" I shot back, not about to miss a chance at a perfect quote.
The bottle glared at me. "...I am an inanimate object, pony, except I guess I'm not inanimate anymore. Which, while we're on the topic, you should shower more."
"Don't start with me! I will pour you down the drain!" I shot back, cleaning off my privates. "I will fuck your face! My dick will be so clean you don't even know!"
Shower Gel let out a warm coo, "Oooh, come on then...let's do it, smooth and soapy little fuck...."
I stood upright, my boner slightly hard. "...God damn it...." I turned off the shower and wiped off my face. "Boner no...stop it...."
I felt Shower Gel rub my ass. "Oh come on...just cause I'm a colt? It's no big deal...it's all jelly in the end."
I started laughing loudly. "Jelly...it's more of a goo." I started pulling the curtain open, finding my towel staring at me. He was basically a rolled pony skill made out of towel cloth. "God damn.... Ponies on my junk, ponies on my junk, get the pony off my junk, bro!" I sang, wiping off my head off.
"Hey, chill out!" My towel shouted, "You're gonna get a rash if you're too rough."
I finished drying off. "Towel...you don't taste do you?"
My towel's head whipped around the room like mad as I held him out. "Um.... It always just tastes like soap...."
I frowned hard and tossed him in the hamper. "Weirdo...." I grabbed a bath robe off the door hook, pulling it on and letting the hollow pony head sit over my own like a hood. "I don't know...what do you think?" I asked the living bath robe, tying her hooves around my waist like a belt. "Bath Robe?"
Bath Robe just let out a long, warm coo. "Warm...snugly...." She moaned, her chin drooping into my view.
I shook my head, letting the ultra soft fabric cover my body. I really couldn't complain about everything, my clothes hadn't come to life yet, and my breakfast had a wonderful way of making itself. And on that note I hurried down the stairs and towards my kitchen. Once in the small tile room I found car still an oversized pony, my kettle sitting happily on the stove, whistling, a tea cup with legs wandering around waiting for the kettle, and a small doughnut on a plate staring at me.
I made a farting sound and wandered over to my table. "...What's up everyone?" I asked, watching my car peek in through the window.
The small beige doughnut giggled softly as the kettle and teacup worked to sort out something to drink. "The usual...."
I stared at the tiny pony as she spread her legs on my plate. "...Pseudo-sexual relationship with a doughnut, check. Car is a giant horse, check, also brings new meaning to the term mustang, double check. Tea that serves itself, check. Body hug from a bath robe pony, check. Sanity, oh fuck no." I mumbled, still not quite ready to check out from reality just yet.
I watched the beige ponut dance on my plate, her pink frosted body limber as could be. "Well...eat me? Give me a lick...come on.... I'm waiting." The doughnut cooed, rubbing a small pink hole on her rear. "I'm cream filled...."
I plucked the small creature from my plate as a small teacup bolted over. "Wait, take a sip first!" The small colt cried out, forcing his tail into a small loop.
"...These ponies are horny as fuck...." I muttered, dunking the slutty doughnut into the tea and letting her sit there. "...lick me, I taste like sugar!" I jeered, raising my wrists in a mock gay pose. "Eugh...." I picked up the teacup, letting his hooves dangle as I took a sip and dumped the ponut into my mouth. "...It's good...." I told the cup, setting him down and focusing on the giggling sweetbread in my mouth.
I felt her trying to take the tip of my tongue into her mouth, while wrapping her back legs around the base of my tongue. She always tasted sugary, and I could bite her in half without any problems, but having something orgasming in my mouth from the sheer act of being eaten was a bit worrying.
I pressed my tongue against her, feeling her wrap around my tongue and let out a soft moan as her slightly soggy for pressed against the roof of my mouth. I could only taste sugar, a bit of fried bread but mostly sugar. I took a bite, decapitating the pony and sending her head to my table. "Oh- Oooooh, more, lick me more!" She continued to wiggle and slider her sweet body up and down my tongue, going so far as to start giving exaggerated humps across the side of my tongue.
I grumbled angrily chewing Doughnut's body and watching her head grow bright red. "Sheriously--" I swallowed, licking my mouth to try and scoop away the overly sugary flavor. "-can you not cum in my mou-- Wow, the fuck did I just say!?"
The debodied pony head just stared into space, mouth hanging open as she panted heavily. "Hot- it's so- haa-haaaa--"
"Oh shut up." I grabbed her, popping her into my mouth like a doughnut hole. "Cant believe this crap."
I bolted up the stairs and cast my pony bathrobe off. "Stupid shit every day...I swear."
I sat in the back of my car, a glass Guinness mare atop me, beer in my gut and the smell of sweat permeating the faux-leather interior. I had my arms wrapped around the lukewarm beer mare, sloppily making out and draining the mare of the booze within. I pushed the Irish mare back. "Oh gods...what the fucks am I doing with muh life...."
The half full pony looked off the side of my gut and at the floor of the car. "...Bloody drinkin' and shite I guess...."
I laid my head back in the leather seat of my mustang and stared into my beer's eyes. "...Your accent gives me a boner...." I mumbled, grabbing the back of her head and pulling her into a tight hug. "...I want to fuck you...right here...."
Guinness just stared at me, shifting uneasily. "...Aye...but better ya don't. Didn't ya get stuck in that bottle of Pepsi last time ya tried that?"
I grew extremely agitated at her remark. "...It was...a bottle of scotch...and she went down...on me!" I shouted, tucking my arms under the beer's withers and lifting her up. "...You...you're beer, you're cheap--"
I caught a swift glass hoof to the jaw, "The fuck ya say to me!? I'll kick ya fuckin' 'ead in ya say that again!"
I stared at the mare, her fiery green eyes sharp and bitter. "...God damn you're hot...and cold...I don't know how to feel about you." I muttered, hugging the mare tight and digging my fingers into her soft gold brown mane. "Pony beer...why is Ireland such a crap stick?"
The bottle pony looked around nervously, trying to pull herself from my grasps, "Alright...I think you've 'ad enough-- what's that?" She asked, yanking her head free and catching a red and blue light in her glass. "Oh piss!" she snapped, rolling off of me and hiding under that seat.
I let out a strange grumbly moan as I picked up on the siren. "Oh shit...Mustang pull over!" I shouted, clawing my way upright and holding on as my ponified car slowed to a trot and stopped on the side of the midnight road. My car's rubber hooves plodded to a stop, the Guinness pony still hiding under the seats. I peered over the driver's seat, looking out the windows in my Mustang's chest. "...Shit...shiiiiit." I groaned, spotting a police cruiser blinking its light at me. "Look...we're innocent, right!?" I shouted to the car, grabbing her leather seats. "We're just gonna go see what they want, go home, get you a nice oil change, okay?!"
"Radek, Radek, they're getting closer!" The mare car shrieked, lifting a hoof in fear. "Radek!"
"Chill the fuck out!" I shouted, clamoring over the seats and plopping down in the driver's seat. I turned the key, keeping the power on but turning off the engine. "I got this, now lay down and let me figure this shit out."
Slowly but surely the mare car settled down and laid down, returning me to the earth and letting me roll down the window. An uncomfortable looking cop strolled up and looked my car over. "Uh...license and registration?"
I hazily reached over towards the glove compartment, my car's insides staying relatively similar despite growing legs instead of tires and a head instead of a front end. "What seems to be the officer, Mr. Problem?" I asked, yanking my registration out and letting him take my wallet. "...Problems?"
The cop took my papers, looking them over and walking back around to my car's rear end. Mustang shifted uneasily. "...Radek...he's grabbing my tail...."
"It's cool, just be cool!" I hissed, leaning out of the rib side window and watching two cops scratch their heads and look at my car's ass. "...I'm sorry...why are you here? Like...what did I do wrong?"
One of the cops perked up, sauntering over to me and leaning against my car. "Sir...are you aware you're riding inside a giant metal pony?"
I started snickering, first softly, then a full blown bellow. "Dude...dude...it's a mustang...I fucking know!" I shouted, breathing on the cop.
The officer took a step back and waved a small notepad before his nose. "Uh sir...have you been drinking?"
"Fuck yes...." I reached back, grabbing the still ponified bottle and pulling her head into the gut window. "See this!? You make out with Irish thing, you get fucking wasted!"
"...Mornin...." Guinness mumbled, slowly sinking back down.
The cop gave me a look like no other, simultaneously calling me an idiot questioning his own sanity all at once. "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the car."
"...Why?" I mumbled, leaning out the window. "Was she swerving?" I asked, looking towards the headlight eye'd mare. "...Cause...she's pretty good at driving herself."
The cop rubbed his face. "Sir...please just step out of the car."
I let out an angry grown and popped the door open, sliding out and leaning against Mustang's ribs. "Alright...I'm out."
The cop took my by the shoulder. "Alright, we're just gonna give you a quick field--"
I yanked my arm away, "No you're not. I wasn't fucking driving! There's no reason for me to take a fucking drunk test!" I shouted, stumbling back against the car. "I know I'm drunk anyways!"
The cop shook his head. "Sir...I'm gonna put these on you," he pulled out a set of handcuffs and held them limply in his left hand, "understand you're not under arrest but it's for--"
"Am I being aggressive?!" I shouted, "...Besides angry, shouty...."
"Sir, I have reason to believe you were driving under the influence, and I just need to--"
I held onto the car's foreleg, carefully sitting down on the ground. "I told you...I wasn't driving!"
The cop walked up to me, placing his hand on his taser. "Sir, we saw the vehicle in motion, you're the only occu- only occupant with hands! So I'm forced to assume--"
"She was driving herself!" I shouted, pointing back at her. "Go, turn her on and she'll do it!"
The cop brought his handcuffs out again. "Alright sir, you need to come with us," He pulled me up and faced me against the car. "You're under arrest for DUI--"
"I have two witnesses!" I shouted, kicking my car's back hoof. "Look...I'll sit and be quiet, but you need to turn that car on!"
I was carried over to the cop car, sat on the hood while the two cops conversed. "...He wasn't swerving...."
"He's obviously drunk,"
"Obviously, but no signs of erratic driving."
"He said the car- the- whatever that thing is, robot horse, was driving itself."
"...Well can it?"
The two cops went silent, looking towards me. The one who hadn't handcuffed me walked over and stuck his hands in his belt. "...Alright, so...you claim this thing can drive itself, do I have your permission to let it?"
I nodded. "Just turn the key. Hey, Mustang, you're gonna go for a little ride okay!?"
The car turned her head to me, headlights causing everyone to turn away. "...I- where!?"
The cops looked unnerved at the talking pony car. "...Uh...just...up and down the street? I really don't know what the proper protocol for this is." One of the cops walked up to my car, sticking his hand in the side window and turning on the pony. "...Alright...so--"
We all watched as the pony stood tall and trotted in place. "So just like, up the street and right back!?" She shouted nervously. She slowly walked up the street in a perfectly straight line, and right back to us in much the same way. "...Like that, I did it right!?"
The cops just stood there, gawking. "...I- so...." He walked up to the car, head height with the door panels. "Bring it down?" He asked, causing my car to lay flat and give him a good view of the inside. "...Hey...you, thing," he muttered, tapping the back window. "Can you come out here?"
The Guinness pony slowly lowered the window. "...Hi, how can I help ya?"
The officer looked around uncomfortably, setting his gaze on his fellow cop, who promptly shrugged. "Uh...Can you confirm Mr. Radek wasn't driving?"
The Guinness nodded slowly. "Aye...he was with me...in the back."
The officer scratched his head. "...Would you be willing to take a breathalyzer test?"
"Dude, she's filled with beer!" I shouted, "And she's made of glass!"
The officer looked back at me, mixed expression belaying utter confusion. "...I really don't know what the fuck to do here John."
The officer with me just shook his head. "...We- the thing can drive itself...it wasn't erratic...there's beer in the back and not a single stain in the front...I really- I- I don't know!"
The two officers walked back to me. "Uh...we're going to...." The officer who cuffed me turned me around and undid the cuffs. "...Self operated...don't...." He held me straight, staring me in the eyes. "We're going to keep in touch...you're not...you might be fined...but we really don't have anything."
I chuckled and hugged the cop, "Dude...that's awesome, now you guys wanna see something really cool?" I asked, drawing their attention away from their car and closing my eyes hard. "....Wabam!" I shouted, breaking the hug and taking a step back.
The cop looked around confused, "I don't--"
"Wooopwoop!" The cruiser shrieked, turning its head to meet us. "Sir, ready to roll." The freshly transformed cop car stood tall, staring down at its owners.
The two cops just stared in awe as I stumbled back towards my own. "Oooooh my god, that was awesome!" I screamed, pulling myself into my car and plopping back down in the back seat. "Let's get the hell home! Mustang, gonna get you tuned up like the boss you are!"
My car let out a loud beep, startling the officers and causing the cop car pony to flash her lights. "Hey, quiet down!" The cop car shouted, narrowing her eyes. "I've got my headlights on you...."
I sat around my den, my possessions slowly retaining their pony forms longer and longer. A massive black mare with a huge green tipped cock waddled around my house, a petite stallion with a fleshlight throat occasionally peaked in, the smell of food was constantly wafting in from my now living kitchen. I'd decided to do something extremely genius and buy a food truck, and subsequently rake in massive amounts of money from turning the entire set up, utensils, the truck, the food, everything into ponies. All I needed was a weekend and start ponifying everything.
I still went to work, if only to terrorize my old coworkers with living staplers or by bringing their computer to life. The best part was having a full sized mare walk around and encourage everyone to use Internet Explorer. But I had to suffer much the same, having a smart ass Firefox pony run around and lord her knowledge of my browsing history over my head. But I could always get back at her, my computer refused to go pony, but all the software popped out of the screen when in use.
"Salve...." A mare with a Roman helmet muttered, "...You left the game on." She stated, pointing towards my study. "Roma sleeps, waiting to destroy her enemies!"
"Rome Two please go." I muttered, grabbing her helmet and putting it on my own head. "I'm keeping this though...."
The red mare shook her head, her golden mane spilling out of her bun and shining bright against her coat. "I will not be made a fool from a profligate!"
"Bitch I'll show you a profligate!" I shouted, "I'll show you a Trojan if you're not fucking careful!"
The Roman mare glared at me, cheeks burning with righteous anger. "If you think your pitiful wooden gift could hold up against my walls, so be it! Siege me!" She shouted, spinning around and flicking her tail up. "Vandal scum!"
I started laughing gently. "Bitch, I'm Czech!" I snapped, taking her helmet off and tossing it between my hands. "But you seriously want me to batter your gates-- no...no...I'm not gonna--"
"I challenge you then, barbarian. Satisfy me and I shall bestow upon you a gift." She kicked her leg out and bopped my knee. "But, should you fail me you must crucify three ponies of my choice!" She stated, stomping her hoof. "And you must allow me run of this hovel!"
I scratched my head. "...Wait...What--"
"Your decorations are bland, your artistic ideas are lacking and you smell like a woman."
I rubbed the back of my neck. "You want to decorate thing? That's- just go decorate the basement!" I shouted, pointing over to the stairs down into the basement. "Seriously, it's a mess, and if you want to clean it up you can have it."
The living video game stared at me with wonder in her eyes. "...You would bestow upon me, a province of my own?"
I shrugged. "I play Rome Two every damn day.... Something about miniature Romans murdering each other appeals to me."
The little Roman mare paced in a tight circle. "This is...unexpected."
"You really didn't have to bribe me with sex." I stated, stretching my legs. "I mean, I fucking love you."
The mare grew bright pink, taking a few steps back and hiding her face behind her hoof. "...Aegyptus and Macedon were correct, you are a kind and wise ruler."
I scratched my head, "Are they here too? That's neat." I fiddled my fingers together, slightly excited at a room full of ponified Rome Two nations. "...I bet Athens is pretty ho--"
"Would you like to have sex?" Rome asked, tapping her hooves on the floor. "...Answer quickly profligate."
I sputtered like mad, barely able to contain my sudden amusement. "Wha- I don't even- I mean wow!"
"Answer now!" She boomed, stomping her hoof and nearly splitting my floor. "Rome doesn't--"
"Look, I've never actually had someone just up and ask me like that. Usually there's a little dancing around the point, but with you, no romance, no bullshit, just: do you want to fuck, yea or nay." I leaned back and clapped my hands together. "I think it's great. True Roma fashion, I want something, I'm going to take it!" My laughing petered out as the red mare walked up to me. "Oooooh god...I've lost my fucking mind."
Rome walked around me, pacing and flicking her tail against my knees. "I require an answer!"
I shrugged. "Do you even have a vagina? I know Coke didn't...found that out the hard way...."
Rome spun around and flipped her tail up. "...Is satisfactory?"
I started snickering, eventually laughing like an idiot. "No...no it's not! It's a fucking USB port!" I shouted, slapping myself across the forehead. "Ooooh my god, I'm insane. This is insanity!"
Rome grew a bit flustered, "I- this is what I have! If you are going to mock me--"
I jumped up, grabbing my pants and tearing them off. "This-" I pointed to my limp body, "-doesn't fit, into that!" I pointed to her plot, finger trembling. "I literally cannot fuck y--" I stopped dead as Rome turned around, her bright gold eyes strong and fiery against her red coat. "Um...I take that back."
Rome cocked an eyebrow, her beautifully long gold eyelashes fluttering as she blinked. "What?"
I shook my head and stood up, "I'll be back...just, wait here, we're gonna figure this out." I hurried out of my den, rushing past the ponies infesting my house. Walking furniture and appliances, small objects and the occasional bag of chips got under my feet. But I managed to roll into my study.
"Alright...Cody!? Where are you!?" I shouted, pulling open my pony desk's drawers. "Hard Wood, where is she?"
My desk let out a soft moan as I slammed a drawer shut. "She- mmhm... in Dell."
I let out an angry huff and ducked down under Hard Wood. "There you are!" I found my ponified USB, stuck horn first in my computer's plot. "Get out of there!" I grabbed the USB and yanked it free.
"Aah- dun-dun." Dell yelped, snapping awake and causing the monitor to flash back open, the game still playing. "What happened?! Something was removed!"
I waved the living computer off. "Go back to sleep, I'll finish up later."
Dell looked back to her flank. "...I feel empty now...."
I ignored my computer, rushing back into the den and slipping on the rug. I slammed into the wall, Cody freaking out and skidding across the floor. "What's going on!? What- where!?"
I rolled onto my front, snagging the plastic encoded pony and bolting back to my chair, Rome standing where I left her, smack dab in the middle of the square room, ponies slowly replacing all the furniture and inhabiting the paintings. I spotted a mare popping her eyebrows at me in what used to be a family portrait.
I shook my head, focusing on Rome. "Alright...so...turn around?"
Rome glared at me, slowly turning around. "I don't-- Heretic!" She shouted as I placed my hand on her toned flank. "Unhan-- Aaugh!" She lurched forward as I slid the tip of my USB into her slot, "Mmmm- Jupiter's cock...."
I spread her backsides, making sure Cody was wedged into her flank and ready to go. "Awesome...." I spun the stunned mare around, facing her soft blushing face to me. "...You alright?"
Rome shook her head. Her helmet was sinking lower and lower as she shuddered. "I'm fine!"
I looked down at my still pants less body. "...Damn right."
Rome slowly opened her eyes, eventually spotting me. "...I- are you showing me this for a reason?"
I sat back in my chair, rolling my head. "Uh...I mean...you wanted to have sex...but you've got- but...you've got-- Why the fuck am I being subtle!? You're a computer program turned mare! Fucking suck my dick!" I shouted, finally realizing how stupid being coy or shy was. I was living a life of compete madness, ponies overtaking humans in my life, my world slowly getting swallowed up my ponies.
Rome grew a bit red. She whipped her head around, nearly flinging her helmet off. "And why should I do that!? I offered my body, not my mouth!"
I stared at her. "...We can literally not fuck...it's either oral, or we're both gonna walk away bored."
Rome shifted back and forth, the USB waggling in her flank. "...Must we be in public for this?"
I looked around the room. "...We're about as private as we're gonna get."
Rome looked around, staring at the ponies trying to avoid staring. "...I- this is.... They're like the senate!" She shouted, spinning around and screaming at the pictures and paintings. "Go away!"
I grabbed her mid spin, pulling her towards me. "Rome!" I held her cheeks in my hands, staring into her bright gold eyes. "...You're beautiful." Rome went still, her eyes falling slightly as I ran my thumb over her lip. "...Very pretty, strong...mare."
Rome looked down, hiding behind her helmet. "I...before I lose my nerve!" She whipped her head back, throwing her helmet into a passing laundry hamper, just as quickly diving her head down and pressing her lips against the base of my cock.
I let out a soft grunt as Rome pulled back again, pecking up my cock. "Hey...could you just- ahh...." I fell back into my chair as a pair of hooves pulled my rod straight and a warm tongue lashed against my tip. I grabbed onto the back of her head, resting my hands on her soft mane and letting her ruin my motor control with her sharp swipes across my tender tip.
Rome slowly sunk my arrow into her mouth, her tongue continually battering my tip. I felt my heart speed up as I became very aware of each throb and twitch as I was buried in a warm wet little vacuum. I barely held on as she sunk deeper, staring at me with one eye open. My hands started flailing as my tip pressed up against her cheek, a notable bulge forming as I jabbed her drool soaked mouth.
Rome closed her eyes, giving me quite a show and bobbing her head. I watched in utter bliss as my rod distorted her red cheek, causing her to cough and spasm around me. The constant licking and slow drag as she sucked and rubbed her tongue across my cock.
The slight abrasive quality of her tongue was heaven when combined with the sticky wet slurps she was treating me to. "Oh god...." I moved my hands to her ears, running my thumb over her brow and moving her mane out of her eyes. "Dear- god...you're so beautiful."
Rome tried to look away, shifting her gaze to the side and pulling me back into her mouth. She grew a bit pinker than normal, pressing her hooves against my stomach. I could feel her breathing, each drag squeezing my rod and sending more sticky noises into the air. It was both blissful and enraging.
I was perhaps moments from exploding and finally ridding myself of a week's worth of backup, but she wouldn't finish it. Yet being held in the mare's juicy maw was calming, soothing and the wet warmth was half way to sending me to sleep. And worst of all was the constant glances, the yellow eye'd mare guilting me with each look and shy stare. She was beautiful, and with my utter loss of caring meant, pony or not, real or not, alive or not, this was as real and as nice as a real night.
Rome snapped her head forward, staring me dead in the eyes. She locked our gazes, her eyes burning with some carnal passion. She bit the bottom of my tip, causing my entire package to tense up and twitch in her mouth. "Jesu- ahh-aaah- oh god...." She followed up with a flurry of bobs, sliding me in and out of her mouth like mad. Each push past her tongue, each drag out, each saliva coating and air drying was pushing me to the edge faster than any drug ever could.
A constant low, mmm, rang from Rome. I rubbed her ears, my heart speeding up to explosive levels as I fucked the mare's mouth. The sticky pit smooth and warm, the tight squeeze as I jabbed her throat was enough to finally set things in motion.
I pushed the mare away by her ears, not managing to move her. The rest of me locked up as the mare forced my hips back into the chair. I let out a myriad of warm, helpless grunts and moans as I tried to thrust into her throat. My lower half lost the ability to tell where the pleasure ended and the abuse started. With a final throb I burst forward, shooting sticky white loads over Rome's tongue.
I felt a warmth rush from my stomach and run along my arms, down to my fingertips and back to my shoulder. I became fully aware of all the blood in my body as I shot a few loads onto the mare's waiting tongue. Rome continues to stare at me, eyes twitching as I painted her mouth.
I finished up, Rome throwing herself back and shooting up towards me. She planted her hooves against my stomach and popped her mouth open for me. I was stared in the face by a tongue swimming in soft milky white goo, swirling it and dancing her tongue in it. She pulled back, swallowing slowly and letting out a soft huff. "Kiss me...." Rome commanded, "Now!"
I didn't have time to argue, pulled tight against her and forced into a no bullshit kiss, her tongue darting around my mouth and spreading a slightly troubling salty taste around my mouth. I cringed, barely able to see Rome's bright yellow eyes staring at me. She broke it off quickly, not really looking to kiss, more looking to make a point. "Oh god...." I groaned, half tasting my own cum. "That--"
"Rome isn't your sewer...we share all, in wealth...and in- hardship." She stated, pawing at her flank. "...Your friend is stuck."
I gagged slightly, wiping off my mouth. "Uh...Cody...." I stood up and walked past Rome, yanking the USB pony out as I walked. Rome let out a sharp gasp, lifting her back legs and lurching towards my chair.
I was barely able to stand, my heart fluttering and my legs half numb. But with a little bit of hardship I made my way into the hall, leaning against the wall and trying to reach the bathroom. Along my journey to clean my mouth I looked into my study. My computer monitor now bright and begging to be read.
Rome two was still playing, but the battle I had paused was now over, a bright grey box screaming at me.
I sat in my home, my pony building, contemplating how far this would go in my living room. "Radek... I like that you're inside me." The voice was thick and heavy, filled with dust. "Safe and warm...."
"It's summer." I stated, lifting my leg and letting my shoe run past, scampering along with my beer in tow. "Safe, yes--" I stopped myself as my old rifle sauntered into the room, the barrel spitting from her mouth like a cigar. She looked around, eventually spotting me and flipping her muzzle up at me. "... I think." I scratched my head, trying to adjust to my chair's hooves around my midsection.
The house just sighed, unable to move with the pipes and concrete keeping him bolted to the earth. "It's alright...cool and happy then."
I sighed loudly. "Happy is a strange way to put what I am.... I mean, I'm talking to a house, while inside the fucking house." I started to chuckle. "No mom, I'm not insane, everyone else is!" I just kept laughing. "Oh man.... I'm losing my mind."
A loud clinking caught my attention. A porcelain pony with a spout coming out of her forehead walked over. "Tea sir?" Another set of cups bounded over, forced to bound due to their awkward shape. "Lunch will be ready soon, but I thought I'd ask."
I rubbed my head, my seat still snuggling me with its cushy body, its head resting on my own ever so slightly. "This is some Beauty and the Beast shit." I reached down, just holding my hand out and waiting. Sure enough the cups started to fight to get into my hand, tiny ceramic hooves pawing at my skin as they shouted at each other. "I don't know if I'm fucking Belle or the Beast.... I'd like to fuck Belle, if--" I stopped myself and shot upright, two cups clinging to my hand and screaming as I whisked them into the air. "Oh god please no...."
I sat completely still as the cups sat in my hand, slowly growing warm as the tea pony dipped her head. "Sir?"
I put my hand up. "It knows...." I leaned back as one of the cups was pulled from my hand, the one that remained blowing raspberries as he nestled in my palm. "It kn-- Mother fuck! Aaaassss!"
A mare in a blue dress and a brown mane strolled in. "Little house, it's a quiet home. Every day--"
"No! Get the fuck back there!" My voice cracked hard. I couldn't deal with a french mare. "You just go, you go back to your fucking movie and you stay there!" I tried to jump up, my chair keeping me in place.
"Radek, I don't--"
"Shut up chair!"
"Hey--"
"Shut up!" My throat started to burn as I screamed. "You're a fucking chair, you shut the fuck up!" I flung myself out of the chair, throwing tea across the room. My rug let out a sharp scream as the tea splattered against the ground.
"I can't go to work!" I toss the cup screaming into the chair. "I can't drive!" I grabbed my head and swung myself around my living room. "Everything is a pony, I can't take a piss without the toilet saying yum! I can't even go to take a shit in my own house, and soon enough the neighbors are gonna fucking catch on!"
I watched as some of my appliances and food started to sit around me. "You fuckers, you're ruining my life! I hate, I hate everything!" My rifle peeked her walnut maned head into the room, peering at me with one steely eye. "Fuck you rifle, fucking shoot me! Kill me you slut!"
My rifle just stared at me, unable to move her mouth. She slowly turned around, her asshole chambered for two-two-three. A single live round popped out with a loud click, rattling against the floor as it tapped against the ground. My radio stared at it. "... That's gross Ruger...."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh" I slammed myself against a wall and bounced off like a ping pong ball. I slammed softly against the floor, a quick thinking pillow flinging herself under my skull.
"Radek, no!" The pillow conformed around my head. "Why did you--"
"I can't even fucking kill myself." I stated with superb calmness. "... This is my life now." I splayed out, resting my limbs on the ground. "... It's time." I rolled onto my front, making sure not to crush anypony. "It's time." I walked towards the front door, something special waiting for me in a box. "North Korea ain't got shit on me! This invasion, will, pony!" I pulled a sword from my umbrella stand. The fuzzy hilted creature let out a fiery whinny as I pulled her from my emergency kit.
I was past the point of no return, I'd probably passed it a long time ago, when I bought the cape and sword. "Alright, someone go find Marky, it's time!" I looked around my entry, several ponies jumped up and waiting for me to do something. Several had their ears back as I wielded my horse sword, really more of a normal sword with a pony hilt. "Calm the hell down...I'm going off the deep end."
A few more sets of ears fell flat. My TV, sat in the back of the room just rubbed his chin with a hoof. "So are you going to destroy us, or not? I'm so sick of listening to the crap you watch--"
I raced over to the TV, pushing aside a few tables. "You...news, now."
My TV rolled its eyes and jammed himself in the chest, the screen imbedded sideways in his midsection. "What you gonna do?"
I ignored him and watched as FOX news started up. "Alright... let's see if this is gonna work." I slowly pressed my hand against my TV's cold glass side, holding it there and turning to face the collection of flat topped ponies and such. "Bam...."
I slowly turned around, the newsroom was completely fine. "Wait, it didn't--"
The TV started to scream, "Oh god, the camera, what the fuck just happened?!"
I watched as a camera started to move on its own, swinging around wildly. "Radek? Where is he!? Dad!?"
I smiled wide, and wider, and wider still. "Heh...ahaha...haha... it begins."
I walked up my driveway, my house staring at me as my office’s water cooler dragged along behind me. “I don’t understand why you had to follow me home. Your company property.This is basically theft on my part.”
“Well, they said that they didn’t want me anymore. They said that my nozzle wasn’t workplace friendly anymore and I talked to much.” The water cooler said with a smile “Besides, it would have been boring. Waiting for hours, harassing the cleaning staff.”
“Well I guess when you fill everybody's cups with your dick, you’re bound to rustle some jimmies.” I stepped through the door to the house, placing my sword back into the umbrella holder. “
“Welcome home Dad, how was work?” The house spoke softly.
I walked to the kitchen, stepping around several cleaning appliances as they cleaned the floors. “Eh, just another day pushing papers and reports. The sword came in handy with the mail.”
The rafters creaked as the house cleared its nonexistent throat. “Thats nice, dinner should be done soon. The stove is trying a new recipe tonight. She said it was something lighter.”
“Something lighter? That sounds interesting.” I stepped through the doorway to the kitchen. “Yo stove, what cookin for dinner?”
The stove looked over to me, “It's chicken and vegetable kebabs with a garlic vinaigrette marinade with a salad on the side and water to drink”
“Ooo, sounds fancy. whats the occasion?” I leaned over the stove to see the food cooking in a pan attached to her tail.
“Well, I was talking to the bathroom scale today. He’s concerned that you’re gaining weight. Naturally, I thought I could help by adjusting your diet to include more healthy options and cutting out more of the fatty foods.” it said matter of factly
I gave the stove a slight frown, then walked to the doorway. “Fuck you scale! Im not getting fat! If you talk about my weight again, I’ll use you like a damned frisbee!” I yelled out to the bathroom as I walked back towards the kitchen.
A door opened with a slam. A flat pony with tiny stub legs and a counter on his head stormed out. “You are getting fat! You measured three and seven-twelfths of a pound heavier and you aren’t exercising at all!”
Several of the appliances and furniture started snickering. The dining table and chairs shuffled closer to me. “Dad, you are getting a little heavier. He’s just trying to look out for you.”
I turned and glared at the chair that spoke up. “I’m not getting fat, you guys are just getting weak, and that scale needs to be recalibrated anyway.”
The scale kicked the wall. “I calibrate myself before you step on me everytime! You need to lose weight, fat ass!”
“Go flush yourself you little plastic shit!” I yelled back. “You know what, I’m gonna go smoke. Hang out with Guinness and Mustang.”
I opened the fridge and a glass pony filled with a black liquid stepped out with a clink of its hooves on the ground. “lets go Guinness, its beer time.”
“Aye, its about that time again isn’t it. We sittin’ down for dinner or going to the couch for T.V?” it said as I turned around and walked to the front door.
“nope, we’re going outside to sit with Mustang. Need to calm down before dinner.” I sat down next Mustang as I pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes.
“Rough day at work was it?” Guinness said as it sat next to me.
“Nope. Just needed to relax. How was your day Mustang?” I lit a cigarette and took a long drag
Mustang’s head tilted in my direction “Well, I scared off a bird before it shat on me. We also stepped on a squirrel this morning on the way to your office.”
I took another drag “Well, we’ll have to keep an eye out for those little fur balls next time. Maybe also get you to a car way and clean you up a bit.”
A loud crash came from behind as glass rained down from one of the windows on the ground floor. The kitchen timer landed near me and started screaming at me, blaring a bright red light the whole time.
“Bwap-bwap-bwap! Dinner’s done ya tit!” It stormed out and marched around the concrete walkway, lifting its grey plastic hooves high with each step. “It’s gonna get burned! It’s gonna get burned! Bwap-bwap-bwap!”
I bit my lip as the tiny timer marched around the pile of glass. The house looked over. “Uh...ow.”
I stood up and rubbed my face. “Mustang, we need to go find an ATM.”
“This day is just dragging on. Its feels like it’s been hours.” I said as I typed on my keyboard, my monitor and computer tower staring back at me in their deformed pony shape. The tower had more or less become a pony with plugs in its ass and tail, but the monitor stood with a box head. Its single screen showed off my work with two eyes windowed above it.
“Dad this is boring, can’t we play games instead? Rapeplay just updated--” the tower said, tilting its head to the side.
“Shut up! These papers need to be finished by the end of the day anyways.” I said as I continued to type. “You can play games while I'm on lunch break.”
The monitor’s screen flashed back to the desktop and it’s eyes and mouth displaying in separate windows, “Dad, its time to take a break. You need to walk around and exercise a little.”
I glared back at the monitor, “The hell are you having me take so many damn breaks?”
The monitors eyes gave a more sorrowful look, “Well dad, you’re getting a little fat from sitt-”
“I’m not getting fat! Are you talking to the damn bathroom scale too!” I yelled back in response. The moniter’s eyes minimized to the bottom of the screen for a bit, slowly rising up as I simmered down.
“What? No, I haven't talked to anything outside of this office other than you. Just go walk around for a bit.” The monitor gave me an annoyed look.
“Fine, but only because I’m thirsty. I’ll just go talk to water cooler” I huffed as I got out of my chair and walked down the hall away from my cubicle.
I could see several people standing near the water cooler, all listening with rapt attention as it talked about whatever gossip it must have heard.
“...total bitch is what I heard. Did it with like seven dudes as a bribe and now she’s got the highest rated station in the office because of it.” water cooler said nonchalantly. “Oh, hey dad, you want some water?”
I thought about it for a minute. He was a few feet tall, dark blue coat with a shade lighter for his mane and tail. A large water tank rested on his back, while a long black cord snaked from his left hind hoof and plugged into the nearest outlet. His chosen dispensing method was what got him removed from the office in the first place, but him leaving almost got me arrested for theft.
“Why not, it's just water right? Set me up for a drink water cooler.” I waiting for him to start filling up a plastic cup.
A smile grew across his face, “Alrighty, one cup of water coming up!”
He turned his body around and presented his backside to me, flipping his tail to the side revealing his pucker filled with cups. I reached out and slid one from his hole and he returned to his earlier face-forward position, taking the cup from me.
He sat down on his haunches as his translucent cock slid from its hiding place. He bit his tongue and used his hoof, he aimed himself into the cup and let fly a stream of water quickly filling the cup.
“Ahh, cold water is always the best thing for the body.” He finished filling the cup and hoofed the cup back to me. “Here you go dad, cold water. Its fresh too. They gave me a new tank this morning.”
“Thanks Cooler….” I said taking a drink after. “Say Cooler, you don’t think I'm getting fat do you?”
His expression never changed as he held his smile, looking me in the eyes. “Yep. I bet if you jumped into the ocean or posted a posted a selfie on Tumblr, the whales would mistake you for one of their own.”
Laughs and snickering came from the crowd standing around the immediate area. One of my coworkers slid up next to me while laughing “Geez Radek, did you teach it to tell jokes too?”.
“No, hes just being a sarcastic asshole. Probably won’t be so funny when I yank that water spout off of him.” I said doing my best to destroy the water cooler with my glare.
“Oh dad, we cant do that here. Nobody wants to see you yank me off in the middle of the office.” the water coolers facial expression dropping into a more lustful look.
Another round or of laughter from the crowd was heard. “Welp, fuck this, and fuck you Cooler. I’m going back to work.” I turned bopping water cooler’s head.
“Alright dad, if you get lonely, you know where to find me!” his voice picking up as he ruffled his mane.
I quickly made my way back to my desk to find my monitor and computer tower in an argument.
“Not that space you idiot, that’s a mine!” the monitor slapped the tower’s hooves from the mouse. “You gotta be careful which square you click. You have to be sure that it’s not a mine.”
“The fuck are you talking about? theres no way that square is the mine, its not near anything!” The tower yelled back, shoving his hoof back atop the mouse and rapidly clicking random squares.
The monitor and tower began to wrestle of the mouse, with both vying for the top position.
“You’re always so damn careless! You think you can just click on anything and still win!” The monitor said while trying to pull itself out from under the tower’s grapple.
“Fuck you! You’re so damn picky with this shit. Everything has be perfect for you or your not happy!” The Tower said as he held on tighter to the monitor.
The Tower continued to hold tight as the monitor rapped against the desk 3 times. “Alright, alright, I give. get off of me already.”
The tower held its position. “Oh, I plan to get off. You lost so I get to do whatever I want.”
“You always pick that! can you atleast try something different this time? Maybe a game of portal or something?” The monitor pleaded while still in the grip of the tower.
“Nope. Now roll over. Gonna start off nice an’ easy for you.” The tower let go and took a step back, his length already growing.
“Damn, looks like I’m not getting anything done anytime soon” I grabbed my chair and slid it into the hallway and took a seat.
“Hey Radek, you got a minute?” Bill from earlier at the water cooler was standing a few feet to my side.
I turned and was faced by a group of three. The Shawn Mail Clerk, Bob from Accounting, and Bill, who was standing at the water cooler with the others earlier.
“Uhh, Well…” I looked back into my cubicle where my computer tower and monitor were now feverishly fucking like rabbits in Spring. “Yea, I’ve got time to kill, those little shits won’t be done for a about an hour or so.” I said as I looked back at the group. “what’s up?”
Bill and the group stepped a little close creating a semi circle with their focus on me. “Well, I was talking to Bob and Shawn here about your ability. We were wondering if you could turn a few things of ours into ponies too.”
Bob chimed in “Yea, Having a little help would be nice in the office. Do you think you could use your powers and make a few things into ponies?”
I gave them a deadpan glare “Are you serious?”
The three office workers nodded in affirmation
“Fine, go get whatever you want to have changed and bring it here.” I waved them off as I grabbed the chair from my cubicle and sat myself just outside the doorway.
They quickly dispersed, off to fetch whatever they wanted to bring to life. I turned and glanced back into the cubicle. The monitor and tower were now in a tangled mess in which they both managed to jam each others wires and cocks in the other’s ass.
Bob was the first to return. “Ok, I brought my set of approval and denial stamps, as well as my dunking bird. Will these work?”
I looked at the items he had brought. Taking them from Bob, I set them on the ground in front of my self. I closed my eyes and waited for a few seconds.
“Holy shit! It worked!” Bob exclaimed as he stared wide eyed at the now living office supplies.
I opened my eyes to see a small pony with wings sitting on its haunches with its back up straight and its wings stretched out. It's for legs pulled tightly to its chest. Its whole body was clear like glass. Inside was a small chamber of red colored water that was slowly making its way toward the head of the pony. As the water filled the head, its upper body tilted forward and the water sloshed back to the lower chamber, righting the pony back into its standing position.
“Hi dad. having a good day at work?” it said as it continued to bob back and forth with a smile on its face.
“Nope” was all I could think to say.
“Oi, and why hell not? Is some prissy bitch puttin’ ya down?” a little pony with a cockney accent, that was half green and half red on either side, said looking up to me from the ground.
“Nope, but I need you both to be good little horse monster, things and stay with Bob here. He’s gonna need your help in his office.” I said pointing back to Bob standing next to them.
“This pissa ‘er? Eh, as long as I get to stamp shit. I'm gonna stamp stuff so hard, papers won’t even know what to do with themselves.” The little stamp pony said as it stepped towards Bob
“I like Bob’s office, it has a nice view of the sky.” The little winged pony said and he was still bobbing back and forth.
Bob was staring wide eyed. “Oh god, thats the coolest damn thing I ever seen! And they talk too!” As Bob picked up his now living stamp and dunking bird ponies, Bill returned with a pencil sharpener and small desk printer. “Ok, I brought these thi- wo-holy shit those are cool!” he said pointing at the little ponies sitting in Bob’s arms.
I reached out and took Bill’s chosen items and repeated the process. The pencil sharpener stood on four grey legs with its it mouth in a toothy grin, showing its razor sharp teeth. “Iz time to eat pencil, yes?” it said as it turn around, looking for something to sink its teeth into.
The printer stood up next. It had an all black, plastic body with its tail as the power cord and networking cable intertwined on its back side. It said nothing as it walked to the nearest outlet. Plugging itself in, its mouth grew abnormally wide and thin as it emitted noises that could only come from hell. Paper slid out of its mouth with the words ‘Hello World!’ printed on it.
“Ok, that’s done. You two are staying with Bill and helping him.” I said pointing at Bill, so they knew who I was refering too.
The printer unplugged itself from the wall and walked to stand next to Bill, while it smiled and wagged its tail. The Pencil sharpener climbed up Bill’s pant-leg and nestled into his pocket.
The pencil sharpener poked its head out of his pocket and stared up at Bill. “You have pencils, yes? Pencils for me to eat?”
Bill cautiously pat the little sharpeners head. “Uh, yea. I’ve got a few pencils for you to sharpen. I bet some of the other workers would also let you sharpen their pencils too.”
Shawn was the last to return. He had brought a large, wheeled cart and a small box.
“Oh geez, you've already finished with their stuff. Sorry it took me so long.” He said as he rolled the cart in front of me. Taking the box out and holding it in his arms.
I looked up to him pointing at the box. “So whats in the box Shawn?”
“Something I borrowed from Kathrins desk over in customer service while she was out on break. Do the cart first then what's in the box.” He said with a with a smile on his face that looked like he’d just committed the perfect crime.
I repeated the process for the cart. When I opened my eyes, a pony that stood about four-and-a-half feet tall, and looked to be made of a polished metal was standing in front of me. It looked at me then to Shawn. The cart made its way over to Shawn and stood waiting for mail to carry.
“Awesome, now lets get this going.” Shawn said as he opened the box to reveal a purple dido with what looked like a dial on the flat end of it.
“Shawn, what the fuck. You really want me to bring this thing to life? What the fuck man!?” I said loudly.
“Yeah, I wanted to see what would happen. Kathrin keeps it in her desk everyone can hear her when she disappears into the bathroom. She thinks she’s being secret about it but everyone knows.” He said shrugging. “We started placing bets on when, how long, and how many times she does it.”
“Jesus. Well better get this done so I can go to lunch.” I said as Shawn placed the box on the ground near me. I closed my eyes.
I heard gasp rise up from the small group as I opened my eyes to see a small, purple pony sporting a large cock as a horn on it forehead.
“Oh c’mon. Did it really have to be on its head?!? The fuck man!?” I yelled as the little dildo-ny looked at me smiling while the penis on its head wobbled around
“Father, is it time for mastabatory anal fun? I have approximately three-point-five-nine hours of battery life left for use.” It said in a robotic voice similar to Microsoft Sam.
“Nope, but you need to go back with Shawn to wherever he found you.” I said pointing at Shawn.
“Are you sure you would not like to engage in anal masterbation father? I have 3 speeds and sufficient battery to keep you satisfied.” It said quizzically looking back at me.
“Just go back to your drawer and stay there for a bit. Your bound to get used today.” Shawn chimed in.
“Alright, now that that is all taken care of, you guys wanna go get some lunch?” I said as I stood up and slid my chair back into my cubicle where the monitor and tower were now in a sixty-nine position sucking on each other turgid lengths.
The group nodded.
“Good, go put your stuff away and meet me at the front door. I’ll bring my car around.” I said as I pulled my keys from my pockets. “You guys ok with Speedway? I gotta get gas and they’ve got some cheap food too.”
Everyone nodded again and made their way back to their respective offices to drop off their new office supplies.
I made my way down the hall towards the elevator, passing Water Cooler.
Water cooler notice me passing by and called out. “Hey dad, you back for another drink? or are you gonna ya-”
“Not a word Cooler, I swear to all that is holy, I will throw you out of the window and replace you with a soda machine!” I said as I pressed the button on the elevator.
The doors opened, I stepped in and turned, pressing the button for the ground floor. As the door closed, I glared out at cooler. “Not a fucking word.”
The elevator descended to the bottom quickly and the door slid open, I made my way through the lobby and to the parking lot where Mustang was parked. I walked to her parking spot and noticed she was sleeping.
I brought out the key remote and tabbed the unlock button.
“Beep! Beep!” The car shrieked. “Damnit dad, you know I hate being woken like that!”
I chuckled as I opened the door and slid into the driver seat. “I know, sorry. I’m on lunch now, we’re gonna pick up some coworkers at the front door and then go down the street to the Speedway. That way we can get lunch and we’ll get you fueled up to.” I slid the key into the ignition and start Mustang up.
“Sounds good to me, I’m practically starving.” Mustang said as she stepped out of her spot and trotted over to the main doors.
Bill, Bob, and Shawn were standing at the door, watching watching wide eyed, as Mustang came to a halt just in front of them.
“Radek, your car is a pony too?!” Bill said as he opened the door.
“Yep, Mustang will drive us to the Speedway for lunch too. I just need to get her fueled while we’re there.” I said as they finished getting into the car, closing there doors and putting on their seatbelts.
Mustang trotted to the exit and prepared to enter traffic. “Vroom vroom motherfuckers!” She said as she started off at a full gallop down the street, easily reaching, and exceeding the forty-five miles-per-hour speed limit.
“Holy shit, she’s fast Radek.” Bob said as he clung to his seatbelt and the handle above his door.
“She’s just showing off. We don’t get extra passengers too often” I said as I looked out the front windshield, I could see Speedway in the distance, closing in fast.
Mustang began to rapidly slow and shift lanes to the median to make a left turn. “Hang on boys, gonna be a tight left turn!”
“Alright here we go!” She galloped full speed across the lanes during a lull in the traffic. Everyone in the car slide to the right of their seats as they held onto their seat belts for dear life.
“Shit! I know you like to show off Mustang, but isn’t that a little much?!” I yelled as she trotted into the station, taking a place next to one of the pumps.
“Yea, yea. You had fun though. You’re always saying ‘Gotta go fast!’ I’m surprised you’re complaining about it this time.” she said as her shaken passengers, me included, opened the doors and got out.
A red pony with dark grey hair and a long black tail stepped up. “Hello dad. Time for another fill up?”
I looked down to the little gas pump pony. “Yep, we’re running on empty and she getting pretty hungry.” I looked up to the console and pulled my wallet free of my back pocket. “I think we'll go with the mid-grade stuff today.
I swiped the card on the terminal and selected the grade of fuel. “Hows that sound Mustang?”
“Sounds good to me. The higher grade stuff is always better.” she said as she settled into her position.
“So how does she get fuel Radek?” Shawn said as he paced around the car looking quizzically at her sides.
“Well, I pay for the gas, open her gas tank door, and the pump puts it in.” I deadpanned, staring flatly at shawn. “It’s just like any other car.”
“No Radek, where’s the gas tank door?” He said coming to stand next to me, still holding his eyes to the car.
I walked to the back of the car picking up the long tail of Mustang. “It’s just under the tail here. I just gotta move it and she can get her fuel while we get food.” I said as I flipped her tail up and over her side, revealing her puckered exhaust and her fueling slit.
“Gas pump, you ready?” I said as the little pony walked over, rearing up on the back of Mustang.
“Yes sir, I’ll have her fueled in no time at all.” He said as he lined up his silvery metallic tube to her now winking fuel slit.
“Hnn, can we start now? I’m really hungry.” She pleaded to the pump to begin. “Come on already! Stick it in!”
“Geez, you’re impatient today Mustang. Alright, we’re gonna get some food and we’ll be back soon. When you finish, head over to one of the parking spots near the building.” I said as I pointed towards the buildings mostly empty parking lot.
The pump began to fervently hump itself into the back of Mustang. “God Mustang, did you get a smaller fuel slit. So goddamn tight!” The pump said as he continued
Mustang was now trying to match the pumps thrust, backing her hips into him and every downstroke. “Just, ha, fuel me you, ha, idiot.” Mustang said now moving into a hood down, trunk up, position.
I looked over to the others, they were seemed absolutely stunned by the fueling process. “You guys act like you’ve never seen a car get gas before. C’mon, lets go get some lunch.”
“Yea. ok, we’re uh, coming.” Bill stammered out as he grabbed on to Bob and Shawn and pulled them from the scene.
We stepped up to, and passed through the front door, greeted by the soft electronic chimes of the door alarm. “So I’m just gonna get a bowl of the soft serve ice cream in back. What are you guys gonna get?”
The three men, looked between each other. “I think I’ll get the same. Ice cream sounds good.” Bill finally said as we headed back towards the machines. Shawn and Bob quickly following behind.
“You and Shawn gonna do the same, Bob?” I said as both nodded as they kept pace behind me.
I reached the machines and grabbed a styrofoam bowl and set it under the vanilla dispenser.
After the bowl was filled I side stepped to allow the others access the machines. I suddenly had a wicked thought. I stared at the machines and closed my eyes.
“Holy shit Radek! Could have given a little warning!” Bob said, frightened by the sudden change.
Where the machines once stood, were now 3 ponies. One dark brown pony, one snow white unicorn, and one bright pink, winged pony.
They moved like they were one pony as they leaned forward in unison. “Hello friends, would you like some ice cream?” The chocolate colored one said.
None of my coworkers said anything as each grabbed one bowl and placed them in front of separate machines.
Bill took Stawberry, Bob took vanilla, and Shawn took Chocolate. Without another word the three ponies smiled and turned their whole bodies around, quickly moving into a squatting position.
Whirring could be heard as their short tails lifted and ice cream flowed from their darker colored assholes. Little poots could be heard as air was forced through the serving lines.
As the flow of the icy confection came to a stop, the machines did an about face. “Does anyone want any toppings?
“I-I’ll take whipped cream and caramel sauce.” Bill said as the pink pony machine sat on its haunches as he let his whipped topping nozzle free of its hiding place between his legs. He began to vigorously stroke himself, as a light hissing noise could be heard as cream spilled forth from his topping dispenser.
After giving bill a decent amount of cream, he then leaned his head over the bowl and began to hack and couch until hot caramel was vomited from his mouth. “There you go sir. Have a nice day!”
The chocolate machine shifted himself in place. “Does anyone else want toppings for their ice cream?”
Shawn and Bob quickly grabbed their bowls, shaking there heads , and moving away back to the front of the store.
“Thanks boys, I’ll see you later.” I said nodding towards the ice cream ponies as I walked behind the others.
“No problem dad, see you next time!” All three chimed in unison.
“Well that was certainly interesting. I’ll have to remember to do this more often. Messing with those three is gonna be easy.” I said, a devilish grin spread across my face.
“I wonder how long I can get those three to stick around before decide they’ve had enough? Guess I’ll just have to find out.” I said as I continued to the front of the store to pay for lunch.
“Fuck me, let’s go Mustang. I’m so done with being at work today.” I swung the door open and slid into the driver seat.
Mustang started her engine “Rough day in the office?”
“You wouldn’t believe the crap I have to deal with.” I buckled up and glanced at the instrument panel “Huh, you’re low on fuel again. Guess we’ll make a stop at Speedway.”
“Sounds good to me Radek.” Mustang started off towards the exit.
I slipped my phone out of my pocket “Hey Mustang, gonna make a call real quick.
“Kay, we’ll be at Speedway soon.” Mustang said as she began checking both ways before pulling into traffic.
I dialed the number in and waited for the other end to pick up “Come on, I know you guys are there. Just pick up the phone!”
The phone made a clicking “Radek’s house, this is Stove speaking.”
“Oh thank god. Stove it's Radek, check the fridge for beer.” I sighed in relief.
There was some shuffling and the sound of a door opening. “Uhhh, nope, no beer. You’re also out of fruits and vega-”
“Right, right, no beer thanks Stove.” I quickly closed the lid on my phone before Stove could lecture me about healthy eating again. “Alrighty, gonna get some beer and a candy bar or two, then be really lazy for the rest of the day.”
“Riiight, candy bars. Maybe we can go jogging later?” Mustang’s radio system spoke as she slowed to make the familiar left turn.
“Nope. Beer, candy, and lazy. That’s all that gonna happen.” I reached to pull my wallet out from my back pocket.
“Okay then.” She sighed dejectedly as she completed the left turn and stepped up to the gas pump.
I stepped out of Mustang and closed the door as Gas Pump stepped up to us “Alright Gas, you know the drill, fill’er up and I’ll be back soon.”
The gas pump gave me a crisp salute “Yes Sir, she’ll be filled and ready to go by the time you get back.
I side stepped the pump and slid my gas card in and out of the machine and then left Gas and Mustang to it. “Aww Yiss, mothafuckin’ beer time.”
I walked into the buildings front entrance and quickly made my way to the refrigerated beer racks “Ok, let’s see where they hid the Guinness this time.”
I glanced to the far side to see a familiar black beer carrier with six plastic coated bottles inside. “There you sneaky bastards are.”
As if on cue, the beer bottles climbed from the carrier and onto the floor “Oi, thanks for getttin outta the carrier. We goin home with you then is it?” One of the bottle taking the lead for it’s 5 other quintuplets.
“Yep, just gotta grab a couple candy bars, I’ll pay up and we’ll get going.” I said giving the bottles a quick toothy grin as I made my way to the candy section.
“Alright, now all I need is a sugar fix and I'm good.” I perused the large selection before me. “I think I’ll get M&M’s, a KitKat, and a bag of Gummyworms.”
The bottles stood next to me as I picked up my selection “Ya think you should be eatin’ all that? Stuffs gonna screw with your blood pressure. Gonna be as red as a tomato in the face.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m getting fat. I should eat more fruits.” I huffed “I hear the same thing from Stove every time I sit down to eat.”
“Whatever Radek. You do you. Let’s just get rung up and go.” The lead bottle said as they all move over to the counter.
I followed close behind as we stepped up to the counter. Ok, I’ve got the candy and the beer.”
The cashier gather up the candy and quickly scanned it along with one of the labels on the beer bottles. “Your total will be 14.50 Sir.”
I grabbed my wallet and pulled another card from a one of the sleeves “I’ll pay with the card then.”
The cashier took the card and slid it through the reader “Thank you sir, have a nice day.” The cashier as she handed my card back to me with a smile.
“Thanks, you too.” I stepped towards the door “Alright ladies, let’s get to the car and go home.”
A stampede of glass hooves passed by me as the bottle ran for Mustang. Each shoving and pushing to be the first one into the car.
I walked to Mustang, taking notice of all the gasoline that was puddled around her rear and splashed on her tail. “Jesus Mustang, did you atleast get some of it in the tank!?!”
“Shut- shut up Radek. He was too fast and slipped out.” She huffed as I looked to the pump laying on the ground wheezing. His nozzle laid against the ground as he tried to recover his breath
“I said fill her up, not spray her down. I didn’t pay you to bukake my car damnit!” I slid the pump closer to the fueling stand and opened the door to Mustang.
“Buckle up, I don't want to clean glass and beer out of my car tonight.” I sat down looking around seeing that the bottle had already gotten themselves situated and ready to go.
“I am gonna drink the hell outa you girls and then eat this delicious candy.” I turned the ignition key and Mustang started. She waddled slightly bow legged to the exit.
“Time to go home and be done with this day” I said as Mustang pulled into traffic, to take us home.
“God, I’m fucking thirsty.” I licked my lips as I continued down the street “There’s a vending machine around here isn't there?”
“I still don’t know why I had to start doing these weekend walks.” I muttered to myself as I continued my weekend walk.
“Hopefully the vending machine is just down the street.” I reached around to my back pocket and pulled my wallet free. “Maybe if I'm lucky, they added a snack machine too.”
I continued down the street past the tall buildings “Is that it?” I stopped and side stepped towards the edge of the sidewalk and craned my neck out.
“Yes! They still have a coke machine!” I quickened my pace to a light jog and pulled a dollar from my wallet.
“So fuckin’ thisrty. Gonna get a nice cold coke and take a break.” I huffed out as I turned the corner to see a sleek, brightly lit, red box that stood a foot taller than I did.
I looked at the small display. “Shit, its a dollar-fifty now? Greedy bastards.” I reached into my pockets for a pair of quarters and slide them into the change slot as I feed the dollar into the bill slot.
“Ok coke, here we come!” I jammed my fingers onto the coke button and the machine whirred to life as it rattled with moving gears and servos.
“Ow ow ow! Damn machine, I’m moving already!” A loud female voice came from the machine
“Coke, you ok in there?” I stepped back as the machine continued to rattle and whir.
A dark colored, glass hoof slide out of the front slot. “Yeah yeah, I’m good. Just getting groped by a damn dispenser arm that doesn’t know anything about personal space.”
Another hoof popped past the slot. “Almost there.” The hoof extended a little further out. “A little help please?”
“Oh, uh. Yeah, I got’cha ya.” I reached down to her and wrapped my hands tightly around her glass hoofs. “Ok, give it another push and I’ll pull from this end.”
We worked in tandem, pulling and pushing, as Coke fully slid free of the machine. “Geez,it wasn’t this hard to get you out of the machine the first time was it?”
I let go of Coke as she stood on all four hooves, looking up to me. “No, they’ve started using bigger bottles.” She said with an exacerbated sigh. “Speaking of bigger bottles, you’ve put on a bit of weight.” Coke said as she began to pace around me, eying up my current physique.
“Why the fuck does everyone think I fat!?! This is ridiculous!” I yelled back as Coke came to rest in front of me.
Coke stared back at me with a deadpan expression. “Seriously, you don’t think you’re fat?” Coke jammed her hoof into my gut “Then what the hell do you call this?”
“Ok, I may have put on a little extra weight--” I grabbed my sides
“A little? Dad, you fat.” Coke pushed away from me.
“Fine, I’m fat. Happy?” smiling as wide as I could. “Can I have a drink now? I’m kinda thirsty.”
Coke turned and placed a hoof to her chin. “Hmm, I don’t know. Do I reward you with more sugar after you’ve clearly had too much?” She spoke in a sing-songy tone.
“Ouch, that hurts. You guys keep calling me fat, I might just take offence to that.” I returned in the same tone
“Alright alright, cut the SJW bull.” She turned back to me. “I’ll make you a bet. We’ll race home and if you win, you can drink me.” A smile spread across cokes face. “But If I win, you have to do whatever I tell you for a week.
“Fine, and when I win, you and everyone at the house will finally see that I’m not fat.” I moved to the corner in the direction of my house. “You know how to get there?”
Coke stepped up next to me. “Yep, you’ve walked me home before. You can count down when you’re ready.”
“Alright, 3. 2. 1. GO!” I started off running as fast as I could carry myself. “Shit this is a lot harder than just walking.”
Coke caught up quickly. “Man, that’s as fast as you can run? Looks like you’re pretty much done.”
Sweat poured from me as I wheezed. “Fuck- you- I’m not- fat!”
“Fine, you’re not fat.” Coke started top pull ahead. “I’ll see you at the house, slave!”
I slowed to a walking pace. “Damnit, she’s fast” Coke was almost a quarter mile down the road before I even got to the next intersection. “I have a feeling that this week is going to be a long one.” I huffed as I continued down the street.
“No, no Radek. You have to keep you back flat and stay on your toes.” Coke pressed firmly against my back. Coke realigned my back so that I was as flat as a board.
I pushed myself away from the ground. “Fuuuck, how do you even know how to do push ups!?”
“Doesn’t matter How I know, just do it right and you’ll be back in shape in no time.” She dug her hoof further into my back, pressing down to add more weight.
My arms were beginning to strain and sweat rolled down my forehead. “How many more of these god awful pushups do I need to do!?” I huffed as she climbed atop my back.
“Ten more and you can take a break. but then we're moving on to jumping jacks.” she said as her damp and chilled body slowly cooled my back.
“Since when did you and the rest of my stuff decide that I had to get in shape?” I wheezed out as I completed the second pushup.
Coke stepped off my back and walked around to face me “Since your sorry ass lost our bet. You’re my bitch for the week and you’re going to do every exercise I tell you”
Coke was almost nose-to-nose “Alright geez. I’ll do it.” I was now feeling a deep burn in my arms after the fourth push up.
“So what else are you planning for me?” I came up for the fifth time.
Coke settled onto her haunches “A lot. We’re going to learn about healthy cooking, we’re going to clean out the fridge of junky stuff, we’re going to start a workout regiment, and you’re going to learn to manage your time more wisely. No more long nights of Rocket League.”
“Hey, don’t talk shit about Rocket League! Game is great. Should be counted as cardio with how almost every match gets my heart going.” I finished the seventh rep.
“Riiight, cardio. We’ll work that in somewhere, and maybe we’ll add Cheeto dead lifts and button mashing exercises as well.” Coke giggled into her hoof.
“This week is going to suck, isn’t it?” I finished the ninth rep.
“Only if you keep acting like a baby for the entire time. Better learn to embrace it.” Coke said matter of factly.
I rolled to my back as I came down from the final push up. “God, push ups suck. My arms are tired, I’m sweaty, and I’m thirsty.”
“You're also a little bitchy too, but I can fix one of those problems.” Coke stepped close to me and pressed her lips against mine.
Cold liquid flowed from Coke’s body and quickly filled my mouth with a the sharp sting of carbonation and almost saccharine sweet taste of coke. Coke pulled away. “Better?”
I sucked in a fresh breath of air. “Yeah, much better, but I could go for another shot and maybe a glass of water too.”
Coke began to trot to the kitchen “Water yes, coke, no. You need yo stay hydrated with water. It's better for you when you work out.”
I rolled to my stomach and eased myself up to a standing position. “So what kind of food are we going to cook? You said healthy food, but if it's nasty, I’m gonna nope the fuck right out of this bet shit.”
Coke came back with a glass of water balanced on her back and offered it to me. “Ask Stove. She’ll be teaching you.
I took a long sip from the glass “Right, figured.” I stepped towards the kitchen to see stove resting on the ground in her usual spot with several books and magazines laid out in front of her. “Hey Stove, what’s on the menu for cooking lessons?”
Stove turned her head to face me “Well, I’ve read up on a lot of the latest recipes for healthy foods. I think you’ll be happy with what we have planned. First lesson will be either be a pesto cheese pizza, or we could try the turkey chili.” Stove turned back to her books.
“Those don't sound too bad. Pizza doesn't sound hard to do. It's just crust, sauce and cheese right?” I asked while rubbing my forearms.
That’s the spirit Radek! Pizza it is then. Now, you and Coke need to get back to your exercises.” Stove smiled and waved me off.
“Maybe this won’t be so bad.” I looked back into the other room to see Coke setting large mats on the ground. “Or maybe she’s going to kill me with exercise.”
“Ok Radek, I’ve gotten most most of the ingredients set.” Stove said while making a sweeping motion over the counter she stood at. “All you need to do is a bit of cutting, kneading, and a little prep work.”
I looked over the assortment of whole vegetables, cooking oils, a bowl of dough, and 2 blocks of cheese. “What do I need to do first?” I stepped forward and picked up a large, clean chef's knife. I’ve cooked before, but I’ve never really done homemade pizza before.”
Stove slid a wooden cutting board to me and placed a large onion and a few roma tomatoes on the board. “I need you to cut the onion into thin rings, then cut the rings into 4 parts.” Stove then brought her front hoof to the board, pointing at the tomatoes “Once you’re done with the onion, I need the tomatoes cut into really small pieces. Think you can manage that” Stove looked at me expectantly
“Yeah, so slice and quarter the onion, and dice the tomato.” I slide the tomato to the side of the board and brought the onion to the center. Making quick work of slicing the top and bottom off of the onion and peeling the top most layers away.
“Wow, You said you’d cooked before, but I figured it was just microwave meals.” Stove’s eyes were locked on my hands as I halved the onion and plucked the middle out and threw it away.
“Yeah, my mom taught me to cook at an early age. Always said that either had to get married to someone that could cook or learn to cook for myself. She also said to never trust the Mailman.” I laid the onion halves on their side and braced the flat of the blade against my fingernails and began to slice the onion. “She was a little weird, but I think the cooking part about cooking was pretty good. I’m not married now, so I got know how to cook.”
Stove snickered into her hooves “Did she think the mailman was going to try and steal from her?”
“Probably. She was pretty racist, and a little paranoid. Still my mother, still love her.” I finished the onions and moved the pile over to the side, the grabbed the tomatoes and pulled them to the center.
“Hmm, anyway, back to cooking. when your done with the tomatoes, we need to get the dough ready.” Stove brought a bowl close to the cutting board “I’ve done the early prep of making the dough and let it rise. All that’s left is to knead it and roll it out.”
“What about the sauce?” I asked as I sliced the tomatoes into small cubes, removing the seeds and fleshy middles “You said we’d be making a pesto or something like that.”
Stove looked over to the counter opposite of us where a blender was setup “I’ve got that covered too.” Stove trotted over to the blender “I’ve got all of the ingredients in the blender ready to go. I wasn't really expecting you to know much about cooking so I did most of the major prep.” She kicked one of her front hooves a little, head dropping slightly, a look of worry crossing her face. “Guess I should have asked, sorry.”
“S’all good. I don’t know much about pesto sauces anyway. what in it?” I finished the tomatoes and pushed the whole board back as I brought the bowl of dough closer.
Stove perked up quickly, a smile crossing her face “Well, I started with 2 cups of fresh basil, another cup of parsley, a quarter cup of toasted pine nuts, 4 crushed cloves of garlic, a tablespoon of water and lemon juice, a half cup of extra virgin olive oil, and finally, salt and pepper to taste.
“Sounds pretty fancy, so all we have to do is run the blender for a few seconds and we’ll get pizza sauce?” I said while kneading and rolling the dough into a ball.
“Yep, but once you’ve finished the dough, we’ll need to shred and slice some cheese. I’ve gotten use some parmesan and some mozzarella.” Stove came back and pulled the cheeses closer to where I was now placing the dough ball onto a backing sheet.
I picked up the chef’s knife and grabbed the small log of damp mozzarella “ How does this need to be cut?”
“Just in flat slices. That cheese is going to be on top of the parmesan” Stove said as she pulled a rolling pin from one of the overhead cabinets “I’ll get this dough rolled out while you finish the cheeses. I’ve got the oven preheated, so once we topped the pizza dough, we’ll slide it in and set the timer.”
“Alright then. I’ll finish this is then and start the blender right after.” I laid the cheese slices to the side and brought a large shredder next to me and I took the dry, hard, parmesan and ran it along the raised ridges, shredding it into small slivers.
“Sounds good Radek.” Stove said as she continued to roll the dough into a circular shape about 10 inches across.
I finished about half the block of cheese, and stepped over to the blender. I pressed and held the pulse button until the mass of leafy veggies, and oils were blended into a thick green paste.
The room filled with the smell of fresh cut basil and the pungent tang of garlic as the paste was spun around at high speed. I released the button and lifted on the handle. The motor casing separated from the blades and blending cup. “Sauce is ready Stove. Do I need to just spread it and top the pizza dough now?”
“Yep, bring it on over and we’ll finish this up.” Stove spread a light coat of olive oil on the dough as I stepped over with the sauce.
I grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer and pour the sauce onto the dough. I used the spoon to lightly spread the green paste around, leaving a small edge to the pizza so there would be a bit of exposed crust to the pizza. “Ok, sauce is on, now the cheese?”
“Nope, first the veggies.” Stove grabbed the cutting board and using her hoof, pushed several of the tomatoes and onion slices onto the pizza. “Now you can put the cheese on. Start with the parmesan o first thought.
I reached over with both hand and scooped up a good sized pile of cheese into my hand and sprinkled the little slivers across, covering everything with a layer of the dry cheese. I then took the sliced mozzarella and placed six pieces, evenly spaced around the pizza.
“Alright, great job Radek. Looks good. Lets pop this into the oven and set the timer for 10 minutes.” Stove said as she picked up the pizza tray and walked over to the already running oven.
The room slowly filled with the wonderful aroma of garlic, basil, olive oil, and several other fragrances. “Damn, that smells great. I didn’t think it’d smell so great being healthy food and all.”
“That's great to hear Radek! Healthy food can taste great and be fun to make. Now we just need to do the dishes and we’ll be done just in time to take the pizza out of the oven!” Stove waved her hoof at the assortment of leftover foods, dishes and cooking implements still laying on the counter.
I shuffled over to the counter and began gathering up the various items left over. “Damnit, I hate doing dishes.”
