Dash and her faithful companion Scootaloo are zapped by a mysterious mishap with magic (surprisingly not Twilight Related), now these two need to survive.. which can be a little tricky!
{Conker's Bad Fur Day Crossover}
When Rainbow Dash is going through her various video game systems, she is pleased and awestruck to come across an old friend of hers from back at flight camp. The Nintencolt 64. There she comes across three of her favorite games from back then. Conker's Bad Fur Day, Banjo Kazooie and Banjo Tooie. Deciding that she needs to convert her friends as quickly as possible she races all over to get them involved.
But, a mysterious mishap having absolutely nothing to do with Twilight Sparkle zaps Dash before she could begin her playthrough for her friends, taking Scooaloo with her. Now Dash has to team up with and survive alongside Conker. Will these two ever make it home? It will be hard to say so just read the story.
Look to the picture for the content rating. Contains all of those content warnings as well as story based Fourth Wall Breaking. All of them NOT done by Pinkie. There will NOT be a Conker/Dash or Conker/Scootaloo paring or pretty much any clop or romance. Friend-shipping is about all you get here. Maybe Conker hits on Dash a few times, but no clop stuff involving them.
Part 1 of a trilogy
Note about Picture: Couldn't find a suitable cover art that details what I plan to write about accurately. If you would like to contribute, then by all means share.
“Ugh, where the hell is it? I know it’s here somewhere. You can’t hide from me!” This angry shout came from the frantically-searching pegasus commonly known around these parts as Rainbow Dash. She zoomed around various areas of her cloud mansion, trying to look for whatever it was that had caught her fancy.
“Tank, have you seen my Nintencolt 64 at all? I could have sworn that I left it under my bed in a box.”
There was no answer from the turtle.
“Hey buddy, it is called a tortoise. Turtles and tortoises are two very different animals,” Dash yelled to the silence, as if expecting an answer. “Don’t you ignore me, pal. I am tired of correcting ponies on the tortoise problem.”
Dash, you're not supposed to interact with the narrator! In fact, not a lot of ponies have ever interacted with me before, except the pink one. She talks to me a lot.
“You mean Pinkie Pie?”
Yeah, that’s the one. She always seems to hear my voice calling to her. I am able to tell her my various secrets.
“That explains a lot, actually. So if that’s true, then why can I hear you?
Glitch in the system.
“That’s a lame answer. Can you do better than that?”
I really can’t interact with you much, unless under extremely dire circumstances. You’re supposed to be searching for your N64, not listening to a random voice narrating most of your day. Plus, some fans don’t technically like when a wall is broken.
“I have fans?! How awesome is that? Where are these so-called fans, and can I show off some of my moves for them?”
I can’t say much more than that. It would break reality as we know it. If I were to tell you about the show.... Damn, I shouldn’t have said that.
“Whoa! Hang on there, buster. What do you mean a ‘show’?”
Not talking.
“You can’t just spill the beans about some show and leave me hanging like that! What show? Is it popular? Am I on the show? Am I popular?”
That’s enough, Dash! You shouldn’t have been able to hear me. I don’t know why you can. I wasted a good deal of the story already talking to you. I have to just do my job and narrate your day. Just try to ignore it. A lot of the other ponies are able to do so.
“Can you tell me who else has heard you at least before I start looking?”
I don’t see the harm in that. Let’s see here. A musically gifted unicorn, a small unicorn filly, a pegasus filly, and a chaotic being have all heard my voice. Now, go search for your video game device.
Dash sighed as the conversation ended there. It had mentioned a show. Dash had never heard of a show that involved her. Maybe, now that she thought about it, she figured it was a good idea that she didn’t know what it meant by that.
“If I was a video game entertainment system, where would I hide?” As Dash wondered aloud, she looked around her cloud mansion. Dirt-encrusted dishes, rags, and food stains littered the ground and walls around her like a battlefield.
“Celestia! I have to clean this place up once in awhile. Okay, let’s see here.” As Dash contemplated where she had left her dusty N64, she saw a mysterious green light float in the air around her.
“Woah!” she cried as she fell over backward, startled. “Where the hay did that come from?”
The light didn’t answer, but it floated around for a few moments as Dash followed it with her eyes. There was a white aura deep in the green light that seemed sinister. It floated playfully around her, and occasionally would dart over to her and weave away.
Not knowing what else to do, Dash decided to follow it.
“After all, if there is one thing I know about creepy lights, it is to follow them and hope they don’t lead me astray,” Dash explained to nopony in particular, her logic flawless only to herself.
The light drifted her towards her clothes closet. She only dare wear those nasty dresses on occasions where she couldn't get out of a dress code. She didn’t even know why ponies wore clothing in the first place. Dash approached the closet with the speed one would expect from a pony with “dash” in her name.
“Alright, I’m here, light! What am I supposed to now?”
Again, the light continued to ignore her rudely. However, it danced and sparkled near the double doors of the closet, as if telling her to look inside.
“Why would I put my beloved video games in here of all places?”
Since the light wouldn’t answer her willingly, she had to find out on her own.
She thrust open the doors and stared around at the inside, hoping nothing would jump out at her. Dash wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to anything foolish enough to surprise her when she wasn’t paying attention.
Dash coughed a little at the dust hanging idly around the closet. It had been a while since she had cleaned this portion of the closet. Various items stared back at her, upset that she had disturbed the silence around them.
Pictures of Spitfire in a variety of different poses littered the floor. Dash adored Spitfire and made sure that her target didn’t catch sight of her when she hid in those conveniently-placed bushes. Spitfire taking a shower. Spitfire flying with Soarin, Spitfire stretching, and Spitfire alone on her bed, relaxing after a hard day’s work, were the majority of what Dash had captured on film.
She really didn’t want her idol to know her creepy past-time of taking photos to help her on those lonely nights. She needed to be on the Wonderbolts one day and she wouldn’t get that accomplished if her obsession became known.
Dash smiled in fond recollection as she looked at her “Spitfire Collection” and tried to move on to the next few items in her closet. Several Daring Do books littered the floor. She made a mental note to beg... er, ask Twilight nicely for the next book in the series. Daring Do was her high, and she craved the adventurer’s novels like a druggie for their fix.
Some pictures of Fluttershy and her from their filly days littered the ground. “Hey, how the hell did these get in the closet?” She reached in and grabbed them, jotting down a mental note to stash them away somewhere more suitable, so they wouldn’t get ruined.
Pictures of Soarin in a variety of different poses and locations surfaced from the depths of the unknown that was her closet. She finally managed to pinpoint what the mysterious light was trying to share with her.
A box simply titled “Important Stuff!” stared back at her with a solemn air that one would expect from a box. She squealed loudly as she realized that she had found what she had been looking for. Happily, she came out of the closet with the box on her back--something that was easy for a pegasus pony like her to do. She had to wobble a little when the box tilted dangerously, but otherwise, she successfully managed to steer herself toward her cloud bed so she could set her cargo down.
“I haven’t been in that closet for a long time! I really need to clean it one of these days. Scootaloo comes up here to hang out sometimes, and I need to remove those pictures before she gets her hooves on them…”
Silence greeted her words. Then, she realized what she had been doing. “Wait, who am I talking to? I never talk to myself on a normal day.”
Shrugging off her confusion over that particular mystery, Dash continued the process of admiring her box. It was a very nice box, she thought, one that had reliably held all her treasures for a long time.
Finally deciding to admire the contents of said box, she opened the top flaps. Dust exploded out from deep within, making the speedster pegasus explode into a fit of coughing and one timid sneeze.
“Wow! How long has it been since I’ve opened this box?!” Nopony answered the pegasus. She really wasn’t expecting anypony to, either. Catching her breath, she got a chance to look deeper in the box.
A Wonderbolts-centered Playcolt filled with pictures of Spitfire was the first thing that caught her eye.
“I had been looking for this for ages! I thought I lost it seven years ago, but it turns out it was in my box the whole time! Let’s see what else we have here.”
Finally, after she unearthed a Game Colt Advance and Nintencolt DS, she stumbled upon her Nintencolt 64 and several games. The ones she immediately zeroed in on were Conker’s Bad Fur Day, Banjo Kazooie, Banjo Tooie, Super Smash Ponies 64, Majora’s Mask, and Ocarina of Time.
“Wow, I can’t believe I still own this game! It was my first ever M game! The violence, the humor, the witty banter, everything combined made this one of the greatest games of all time! It is almost as cool as I am.” She paused in her worship of Conker’s Bad Fur Day.
“Oh my gosh, my friends haven’t played this game yet.” Dash paused, allowing her thoughts to settle on that for a bit. “I don’t even think they played the older systems yet. I can’t let this happen! If it weren’t for games like these, we wouldn’t have the newer ones.” She nodded at her logic.
“I have to get everypony I know involved in this game. I simply can’t allow my friends to go their whole lives not knowing of the awesome power of classic gaming!”
As she continued to spout phrase for one of her all-time favorite games, she stared at the cartridge of said favorite. She had gotten it almost exactly when it had been released almost an eternity ago.
“Conker’s Bad Fur Day” was written on a sticker behind a black background. A bold “M for Mature” was written in the lower left-hoof side of the game. “Equestrian Edition” was written in small font under the title, with the name of the development company in the upper left.
“Yeah, this game pretty much should be on everypony’s game list at some point. I’ve said too much already, though. Anything more, and it kinda starts to suck the fun out of the game.”
It was then that Scootaloo popped into Dash’s mind. Dash realized what her subconscious was trying to tell her.
“Scootaloo has been going most of her young life without playing this game! I have to tell her about it! I played it when I was thirteen, just a couple years older than she is now.”
Before Dash’s line of thought could continue in that direction, a voice was heard.
“Dash, you know better than to share an explicit game with a foal.” That voice sounded a bit like Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy!? What the hay are you doing up here?”
“Oh, I am not really Fluttershy. I am just an audible manifestation of your best friend. You can’t share that game with a foal. It is rated M.”
Dash still couldn’t figure out where her friend’s voice was coming from. She looked around frantically, searching for the source of the voice.
“It isn’t that bad, Flutters! There is barely anything wrong with it!”
Where by all that was right in the world was that voice coming from?
“You know better, Dash. That game contains toilet humor and bad language that can corrupt an impressionable youngster.”
“So? What’s wrong with toilet humor? The language is censored so foals can’t understand the language. Where are you, Flutters? I don’t like talking to voices that I can’t see.”
Dash struggled for a few minutes to place the voice before she felt a gentle prodding next to her neck. She looked down and saw a miniature Fluttershy on her shoulder, a small halo hovering gently over her head.
“I told you, Dash. I am not Fluttershy. You should recognize your conscience, after all. I try to keep you on the right track.”
“What is a consewhatits? Stop using words I don’t understand.” Dash couldn’t help but awe at how adorable Fluttershy looked with a halo.
“Just call me your good side. That game, like I said before, is way too violent for a young filly to understand. It’ll make her upset and cause her to spend most of her nights huddled in a corner.”
“Don’t listen to that meanie pants, Dashie! You know as much as I do that the Squirt can take care of herself.” The new voice’s loudness pierced the relative quiet of the room, causing Dash to jump.
She looked around, trying to place the second intruder to her home. A poke near her neck caused the pegasus to get the second shock of the day. A horned Pinkie Pie was lounging on a cloud hammock with a little pitchfork held in one of her hooves.
“Why is Pinkie Pie lounging on a cloud hammock? I don’t consider Pinkie a devil!” Dash couldn’t possibly understand why her mind tried to tarnish Pinkie’s goodness.
“You know better than anypony that I am only trying to look out for you, Dashie. I told you being a hero is awesome, and I even allowed you to admit reading was okie dokie, despite not actually winning that argument. All I am saying is that it is up to Scootaloo herself whether or not something awesome like Conker will agree with her. The game is rated mature, but she is completely awesome enough to understand that the game isn’t real.”
Dash was confused. In all those other conversations with herself, she never saw Pinkie as her “bad side”. She always knew the proper path and didn’t care what nopony thought.
“What happened to the other guy who plays my inner devil?” Dash asked the Pinkie avatar.
The avatar shrugged simply. “I was told it would be funnier if I took Pinkie’s form rather than your own form. I only do what my boss tells me. I don’t make the rules, just follow them. I don’t even get paid that much, to be honest.”
Dash shrugged. “Whatever. I saw this done in the movies many times. Each of you try to convince me why I should or shouldn’t share this awesome game with my number-one fan. The one with the most points gets the final decision. Does that sound fair to everypony?”
The parts of Dash’s conscience nodded in agreement.
“Wait a minute. We should make this interesting,” Pinkie’s form said. When the others turned to her in confusion, she elaborated on her point. “The two of us should get little podium things where we can make our points.”
Fluttershy’s form thought about it for a moment, then nodded in agreement. “I guess that sounds fair. I have to admit, I always wanted a podium. They did it in Jeopardy, and we can also do it over our fight for Dashie’s soul.”
Instantly, smoke covered Dash’s eyes, blinding her. Stumbling blindly in confusion, Dash continued to panic, but eventually, the smoke cleared, and she found herself standing in front of podiums. Fluttershy’s and Pinkie’s avatar stood in front of their respective podiums.
For some reason, Dash had a suit on and was holding notecards. This day had started off so normal, and now it just turned into weird territory.
“Say something, Dashie! You are starting to make things awkward,” Pinkie whispered.
Deciding that she better listen to Pinkie, she opened her mouth and hoped she wouldn’t choke on her words.
“Okay, uh, we are here I suppose to determine if I should invite Scootaloo to play this really awesome game from my childhood.” As Dash spoke, she regained her usual confidence. The words flowed smoothly like water from her mouth. She could do this!
“One side seems to think that Scootaloo is a minor that can’t play mature video games.”
Boos and cheers made themselves clear in the silence, causing Dash to jump a little.
“While the other side seems to think that Scootaloo can handle herself and clearly handle the amount of adult content seen in a game like Conker’s Bad Fur Day. Let’s begin the debates everypony!”
Dash’s eye twitched as the debates wore on, showing no sign of stopping. Fluttershy was glaring at the Pinkie Pie avatar, all signs of affection gone. “You can’t just stand there with your smug grin and your good looks and say that minors should play games that are not designed for them! The rating is there to clearly say, ‘this game isn’t suitable for foals’! The game is extremely violent!”
Before Fluttershy could even finish arguing her point, Dash, who had been getting bored with this debate, decided to interrupt it before she collapsed from exhaustion.
“Enough is enough! I have been here for three hours listening to you two argue back and forth non-stop.”
“But, Dash!”
“No! You don’t interrupt me when I am being fed up here! I say both of you have your good points. Fluttershy, or vision representing Fluttershy, you had some really good points. I would say that some would agree with you.”
Fluttershy’s angry look turned smug as she turned to Pinkie. “Tough break there Pinkie, I guess you owe me that s...”
“However...” Dash cut off Fluttershy’s victory speech. “Pinkie had some really good points as well. I trust Scootaloo, and I know she won’t let me down. You both had some really good points, but I can’t reasonably pick one of you over the other. So I declare it a tie.”
Silence settled between the three of them. Dash had no idea where she was, but wherever they were, it was eerily silent.
“Can that happen?” Pinkie asked, turning to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy looked uncertain. “Such a thing hasn’t happened before. I can’t really tell what we should do over this.”
“Hey, this is my life we are talking about here! We should listen to me! I can’t really decide who is right and who is wrong when you both provided good suggestions. We already wasted enough story time as it is. We might have already lost some of our audience to boredom as they slowly realized that absolutely nothing happened in this chapter.”
Fluttershy and Pinkie turned to look at one another, deciding on what to do. Then, turning to Dash, decided to give their two bits.
“Fine. Such a thing like this almost never happens. Just take care of yourself, Dashie,” Pinkie’s avatar said worriedly.
“I always take care of myself. I just want to share this game with my friends. Absolutely nothing bad will happen when it comes to underage gamers.”
“You know that is a lie, Dash. Any time those words are mentioned, something almost always goes wrong! Just, whatever happens, make sure you follow through with what you feel is the best solution.” The avatar for Fluttershy comforted Dash with her words of wisdom.
Pinkie scoffed. “You use way too many big words. You should probably not read so much! I can barely understand all that!”
Dash would never figure out Fluttershy’s reaction since the podiums, the immediate surroundings, and the two elements of her consciousness all vanished, leaving Dash back in her cloud home wondering what the hell just happened.
“Boy, I never knew I had such crazy stuff in my head! I should probably stop hanging around Twilight so much. Now, where is that box?”
Taking a moment to search, she found the box filled with her beloved video games. It was difficult to get a good grip on the box, but somepony as awesome as her could always figure this kind of thing out.
She trotted carefully to her front door and made sure to say goodbye to her beloved tortoise, Tank, before she allowed herself to track down all her friends.This was going to be the greatest day ever, and it was only just beginning!
Business was booming for Rarity World. The fashionista had, in her spare time, painstakingly built an appropriate amusement park for one with her tastes to allow others to wile away their lives in. The whole thing had been built using a combination of blood, sweat, and about twenty thousand bits.
Rarity used a hoof to click the mouse and beamed proudly as the congratulatory message informed her that she had just built another toilet. She could never have enough toilets for the hapless guests!
“Thank Celestia I managed to figure this out before the afternoon rush! Celestia only knows what happens when those pitiful saps can’t find the bathroom.”
Against her better judgement, she had agreed to the tutorial informing her that it was probably a good idea to have a nice healthy variety of attractions. She had wanted a nice, relaxing boat cruise built, and to charge a healthy fee—about fifteen bits per hour. If those couples were going to enjoy each other on her time, she was going to make them pay for it. Sadly, the virtual denizens didn’t like her idea of a good time.
She, in a rather thoughtful mood, had named a lot of the virtual inhabitants after the important ponies in her life. Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Sweetie Belle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack, for the most part, seemed to enjoy the park she so painstakingly built.
“Twilight Sparkle has just ridden Mountain of Doom,” a message stated proudly. Rarity beamed at the avatar of her best friend.
“Atta girl, Twilight! You have been jumping around nervously for the past half hour about what to ride.” Rarity made a mental note to include a Picture Gift shop. “How was it, darling?”
Rarity clicked the information box and glanced at the statistic levels for her beloved friend. “Wow, Twilight, you are very happy with my ride! I am glad, dear. See what happens when you venture out of the library? Now, where are you currently?”
“Twilight Sparkle is currently in the restroom.” Rarity tuttered sympathetically and smiled, patting the virtual Twilight in her mind.
“You had a rough day. To ride a big ride for your first time is an incredible feat. Now, what is everypony else up to?”
Rarity felt guilty the first several hours for watching the citizens like a hawk, but she didn’t know what else to do. Watching the ponies made her feel powerful. She had these ponies best interests in mind, and their happiness was most important for the thriving business-mare.
She fiddled with the mouse for a bit and searched for her desired commands. She really couldn’t believe that one of Sweetie’s older games would become such a huge hit. She was supposed to be working on a dress, but curiosity had gotten the best of her. She had sat down, intending to mock it and get back to work. That had been about three hours ago.
Pinkie was riding “‘The Galloping Gala’” and proclaiming her highest enthusiasm for it. Fluttershy, true to the real-life counterpart, had ridden the slow-moving carousel, and hardly seemed to venture to anything ‘scarier’. Rainbow Dash was riding ‘The Spinning Wheel of Tartarus’ and practically gushed out ravishing complements for the ride.
This pleased the goddess of the amusement park, who chuckled to herself. Earlier in her adventure of being an operator of fun, she had accidentally built a pit of water. Admittedly, she had been starting out. She had no idea what to do and nopony (should there be any witnesses) could fault her for that.
In a self-deprecating manner, Rarity decided to call this water pit of despair and loneliness “The Pit of Failure” to remind her not to waste precious resources on useless baggage.
A white unicorn stallion entered the park. Rarity glanced at the screen and noticed that this stallion was surrounded by an entourage of ponies. She looked closer and noticed he had his nose turned up in a holier-than-thou manner.
A note popped up and Rarity read it with interest. “Name this guest...”
Rarity looked really carefully at this guest. She could name this pony after a character in one of her trashy romance novels and ignore them for the rest of the day. But what would be the fun of that?
The unicorn stallion made sure to stick close to his guards at all time and seemed to glare at each of the visitors, as if they were tarnishing his reputation simply by walking past him. It reminded her of somepony, but the name just wouldn’t reveal itself to her.
A comment balloon popped up and Rarity paused in her character interpretation for a moment and read the speech bubble.
“This place is a pigsty unfit for these hooves to tread upon.”
Rarity’s eye twitched and she glared at the screen. So, this guest thought they were just too good for her, huh? She had toiled away at hours on end to make the perfect theme park, and some simpleton just waltzes into her park to critique her hard work?
“I toiled away for hours on end, and you just waltz in here and criticize my perfect theme park? How dare you, sir!” Rarity glared at the screen. If the virtual customer could feel the unicorn’s rage, he would have felt a painful sensation deep within his bowels that caused them to slowly shrivel into dust.
The name still refused to appear for Rarity, so she made sure to name the next best thing for a stallion like that.
Grinning like an idiot, the up-and-coming ruler of Rarity World hoofed out her judgement and typed “Dickhead” in the speech bubble.
A command prompt popped up five seconds after that. “Dickhead is displeased with the way the theme park causes his skin to shrivel.”
Rarity frowned in and pondered how to take this information. She would have to be delicate and sensitive. After all, this was a customer, and their valuable input is what made Rarity World the successful business venture it was. Filth in her beloved park was never tolerated. Her friends knew this, the other park patrons knew this, and she expected perfection from any and all visitors.
“Let’s see how this works itself out.” Rarity sighed to herself. Her park was on the brink of judgement and she needed to work out a solution.
She followed “Dickhead” around and made sure he was never alone. His mood levels and indication stayed at an abysmal “unsatisfied” the whole time. Little by little, Rarity read the command prompts and understood just how “Dickhead” felt about her world of perfection.
“The decor is flat and tasteless and leaves the mind wanting more.”
“The food is stale and tastes horrendous. I can’t believe ponies crave this abominable filth.”
“Whoever built this place seems to be a whiny, attention-craving brat who needs a timeout.”
These and many more rude comments popped up and Rarity felt her blood boil. The other visitors seemed to distance themselves from the rude “Dickhead,” as if sensing their mistress’s anger. But Rarity was a lady and accepted the criticism with grace and diligence.
Finally, “Dickhead” approached her proudest accomplishment. She had unlocked this ride. According to various online sources that she had checked up on, this ride was the greatest in the entire game. It was very hard to unlock and required a whopping three hours of playtime, satisfactory happiness levels for any and all guests, a popular attraction level, and many other tiring unlocking requirements.
Rarity breathed deeply for a few moments. She wasn’t going to lose it. Besides, not everypony shared her tastes. Not everything was perfect and she understood how unlikely anything was perfect.
The unicorn paused and finally ventured into the waiting line. His thought bubble stated, “I hope the reviews of this ride are worth my time.”
Rarity nodded wisely but said nothing. Her eyes bored into the avatar and drilled it with her piercing gaze. She heard a bump suddenly from somewhere, but didn’t pay it any mind. No, absolutely no distractions. She had a client and would be giving them her absolutely fullest attention.
She watched his mood levels and checked his satisfaction charts, noting grimly that they stayed in unsatisfactory levels. This posed problems. A glitch in her perfection. She craved absolute perfection. A guest that was unhappy needed her help.
She waited for the line to start and hoped things got better. Finally, after what seemed like ages, Rarity noticed pleasantly that the line moved up, the other ponies awaiting their turn on what was likely Rarity World’s greatest attraction. She smiled, pleased with the results. This was going to turn out lovely.
“This ride was absolutely horrible! I have never partaken in anything childish or abominable in my entire life. They should fire the workers and everypony in this terrible waste of filth and resources. I plan on never returning to ‘Rarity World’ again.”
Rarity was left shocked and speechless as she finished reading the reaction. Her customer had been unsatisfied. She wasn’t perfect. Who did this Dickhead think he was? What gave him the right to criticize her and insult her integrity?
“I will never visit this place again. I can’t believe I even wasted my time by coming here. Now where is the exit?”
He began to walk away from “The Swirling Madness” and headed toward the exit to Rarity World. He was the blight that kept Rarity World from functioning normally. If he was allowed to exit, he would infect that perfection. Only happy ponies thrived and made Rarity grow as a successful business-mare.
Without so much as thinking what she was doing, she used her mouse, clicked on her unsatisfactory guest, and began to move him.
“What the!” Dickhead exclaimed in shocked outrage. The citizens of Rarity World stared wide-eyed as the floating pony began to head away from them. For several moments, Rarity was worried that she had scared her visitors.
Deciding to correct the witness problem, she settled Dickhead down near a settlement of woods. She made sure to build a fence around that area as Dickhead recovered from the drop to keep him nice and trapped.
“Entertainers! Everypony must be entertained and happy.” Rarity clicked frantically at the recruitment button.
“Recruit employee...”
Rarity clicked at the entertainer and, when prompted for pay, entered five hundred bits.
“Just entertain them. Make sure everypony is happy.”
She watched as the pony in a jester's outfit trotted smugly down the path and entertained the concerned guests.
She watched everypony’s mood levels relax from the yellow “caution” level to “perfectly fine” levels and allowed a sigh of relief to escape from her mouth. She had done it. Everypony was now completely happy.
A command prompt popped up on the screen and Rarity smiled widely as “Dickhead can’t find the exit,” stared back at her.
“Oh dear, we can’t have a lost guest now, can we? I must solve this as quickly as possible.”
Rarity moved her view to find that Dickhead was walking in a circle. His mood had changed from annoyed to panicked.
Rarity smiled down at him like a mother to a foal.
“Dickhead can’t find the exit.”
Rarity’s smirk grew.
“The poor dear must have lost his way. Let me help him find his way.” She turned to the happy guests laughing at the jester.
“Let this be a lesson to you, Dickhead. Nopony says such hateful words to me. I accept that not everything is perfect, but you didn’t have to be such a dick about it.”
Her smirk growing, Rarity grabbed her target and moved him over to the “Pit of Failure” and hovered her victim over the water.
“Imperfection is infecting my perfect amusement park. If I allow you to leave, you will spread the word. My park will be ruined, and I will go bankrupt. I will have to sell my Boutique and Sweetie will have to be sold into slavery. My perfect world... ruined because of one piece of shit visitor who couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
There was no response from her victim as he wiggled around in the claw’s grip. She dropped him into the pool of innocent water. Slowly, that innocence turned violent.
“Dickhead is drowning,” stated the prompt. Rarity moved her hoof away from the mouse and watched Dickhead struggle.
“There is absolutely no way out for you, Dickhead. You will be sent to Tartarus for infecting my perfect world. Just relax, dear. Let the water rock you into oblivion.”
She watched as Dickhead continued to struggle. His arms frantically waving, struggling vainly to save himself.
Laughter exploded from the goddess of the amusement park as she watched her victim struggle for life. The laughter was chilling made all the more so by the context. Finally, Dickhead sunk into the water forever, and the laughter increased in pitch. It exploded out of Rarity as she spun around, giddy with relief.
“I am free! Dickhead is no more, and perfection can move ever onward.” Rarity smiled widely as her laughter settled down. She wiped a tear from her eye and spun a few moments on her chair.
However, her victory didn’t last long. Her eyes widened. She wasn’t alone.
Rainbow Dash, who had entered the house at some point, stared with wide-eyed horror at Rarity, who grinned sheepishly.
For several moments, nopony moved. Rarity began to sweat nervously and wondered how much Rainbow had seen.
After an impromptu staring match, Rainbow decided to break the extremely awkward silence. “Rarity? What in Celestia’s name are you doing?!”
Rarity’s answer was prompt and efficient considering the circumstances. “Running a business, Rainbow Dash. I am a business-mare, after all, and one must look after their business ventures.”
“You drowned your visitor!”
“Yes, Rainbow Dash, I know. He would have ruined me, to the point where I end up with nothing. Do you have any idea how many bits I spent to make all of you happy?”
Dash stared at the unicorn, wondering if she had simply made a miscalculation. Rarity didn’t let Rainbow speak, still caught up in her monologue.
“Twenty-thousand bits, dear! I toiled away for hours trying to appease all of you. I built the absolute greatest amusement park for all of my guests. I listened to all of the feedback and made sure everypony got the greatest quality imaginable.”
“But—”
“I even listened to the customers apparent concern about charging them fifteen bits an hour to take a romantic cruise to escape the hell of daily life. Ponies were complaining how boring and expensive my cruise was, so I listened. I took down what I felt was best for all of you and built and slaved away, trying to build the greatest park. I even spent three straight hours in my chair trying to build you the greatest park imaginable. My ass is killing me, Rainbow!”
“Rarity, I know all that... well, not the ass part, but I do understand. But what you did was wrong. You murdered a happy guest of your park just because he talked bad about your park. You committed a crime.”
Rainbow Dash finished her speech with a small glare at the now guilty looking owner of the park. “If I have to, I will go to Celestia with this. She has to know that one of her beloved subjects was put to death by drowning.”
Rarity gaped at Rainbow with absolute horror. “You wouldn’t, Rainbow!”
Dash looked grimly determined. “I do what I must for justice.”
For a moment, nopony moved. Rarity’s look of fear slowly morphed into a determined frown. She looked up at the pegasus, eyes carrying a steely glint to them. “Are you absolutely sure, darling? Would you be willing to accept a bribe of thirty-thousand bits of pocket money?”
Rainbow scoffed, her glare intensifying significantly, making Rarity wilt. “Are you insane?! I can’t accept a bribe! I am afraid that Celestia will hear about this.”
Rarity looked saddened. “I was afraid you were going to say that, dear.” She spun around in her chair for a bit, trying to arrive at a decision. “You are absolutely certain, darling, that I can’t interest you in a healthy bribe?”
Rainbow shook her head, glaring intensely at the criminal in front of her. Rarity sighed and spun back around in her chair, this time with a weird control panel in her hooves. Rainbow, for the first time, looked nervous.
“What is that, Rarity?”
The unicorn’s expression morphed into a deranged smirk. “Do you like it, darling? I built it just in case I had to deal with annoyances along the way. I press this button here, and you get sent to the pit of doom!” She finished with a crazed smile.
Rainbow looked horrified for a brief moment, then quickly struggled to look brave. “I am not afraid of some doom. I told Twilight I came here. If I vanish, this whole operation falls apart. I may die by falling into your doom pit, but justice will prevail, and you will get your just desserts.”
Rarity’s smirk grew even wider. “Well, have a great fall you harbinger of justice!”
To Rainbow’s horror, one hoof touched the button. Rainbow flinched, ready to fall to her doom.
A grinding noise echoed around her, and to both ponies’ shock, a trap door did open, just not the right one. To Rainbow’s left, a panel in the floor opened.
Rainbow stared for a while, trying to figure out what had happened, then she turned to Rarity with a grin on her face. “I think you missed.”
Rarity stared in shock at the trap door. She refused to look at Rainbow’s smug face. “Dammit, Sweetie Belle, I told you a million times to not mess with the trap door! She is always messing around with my things. This whole scenario was ruined.”
Rarity sunk into her chair. Then, an instant later, she cheered up. “I must say, darling, I wasn’t expecting you to go along with all this. I admit it was a bit excessive. Your ability to improvise on the spot is fascinating at best.”
Rainbow grinned at Rarity, pleased that her reception was so positive. “It was nothing, Rares... I remember my first time playing that game. You should have seen me when my father walked into the room. I actually went a bit further with the game. He had absolutely no idea what was going on.”
Both ponies shared a chuckle.Then, Rainbow continued, “I don’t know what it is about that game that causes this, but I absolutely understand the fun of drowning the visitors that piss you off. Sometimes, innocent ponies are drowned just for the hell of it. I never thought I would see you of all ponies play video game, Rares.”
Rarity sighed, looking guilty for the first time. “I had a dress order to work on, too. Ever since Sweetie stopped using her old computer, I noticed it gathers dust. This game always was her favorite. I never knew the appeal of these games till just now.”
It was silent for a few moments. Then, Rarity said, “But, all this aside, you couldn’t have just dropped in like this. While a huge coincidence, you must have some reason that you stopped by.”
Rainbow, realizing the truth in Rarity’s words, remembered the reason that she had dropped in on Rarity.
“Yeah, you're right. I did have a reason for stopping by. I was rummaging around in my box of junk when I happened upon the Nintencolt 64. I just wanted to get the girls together for a session of the classics.”
Rarity stared in silence for a bit, confused, before thinking up a response. “What kind of games are we talking about here, Rainbow Dash? I don’t want any violent games with no substance.”
Dash scoffed. “Says the mare who drowned the pony who displeased her.” This was just like Rarity to make a fuss and go against her complaints.
“There is a difference between what I play and pointless games where you go around shooting ponies in the face that don’t agree with you! I also have a belated dress order to work on, and I really can’t afford any other distractions. If I manage to get some progress done, maybe I will join you.”
Dash sighed, disappointed, but cheered up almost immediately. “Whatever. I still have the other girls to ask, so just do whatever you need to and get over at Twilight’s library-house-thing when you are ready.”
Rarity nodded, swinging around in her rotating chair a bit as she watched Dash stretch her wings. Finally, she took off into the air and flew out of wherever it was that she had entered from in the first place.
Smiling wide, Rarity stopped spinning, a sinister smirk on her face. She turned back to the computer screen and she noticed a message flashing on-screen.
“What have we here?” she cooed at the screen.
Dear Ms. Rarity,
We are pleased to inform that your park, “Rarity World,” has gone on to be one of Equestria’s most well-known attractions. Everypony who visited “Rarity World” has had every one of their dreams come true.
However, one guest has mysteriously disappeared. While we at management know the stress of keeping track of every visitor is always a hard task, we are concerned. Recent murders in the area are plaguing various other parks and we were just concerned over what happened.
Please respond as soon as you possibly can and clear up this issue as soon as possible.
Sincerely Yours, Management
Rarity smirked to herself. She could handle this. All she had to do was play the shocked owner, and everything would be alright.
She had already forgotten about the dress order that she had as she clicked on the response button.
