After a heist gone awry and the royal crowns now out of reach, a reluctant thief is given the choice to become the personal attendant to a ruler who shines like the sun.
He never wanted to be a part of anything illegal; even if he didn't have much love for ponies. He was just some guy. Some cynic that happened to live his life in Equestria, trying to live his day to day life in relative comfort and minimal contact with ponies. But through after some coaxing from his friends (read as blackmail) he was forced to attempt to steal the royal crowns from the palace and caught in the act. However, given a chance to redeem himself, the thief is offered the choice to become Princess Celestia's royal attendant.
With little other choice, this would be thief's life is turned on it's head. And now instead of a steady inconspicuous life, filled with ease and mediocrity, his life is now one of warmth, excitement, and a friendship that can only be forged once a thief begins honoring the sun.
This was supposed to be a simple job. Quick and easy.
It was promised to me that I would just have to pop into the royal palace’s quarters for a few, brief minutes; get into the imperial vault, and then out of the royal palace before anyone would find me or realize exactly what I had done and what I had taken. I would be completely home-free and rid of any of the debts that a certain someone had used to loop me into this whole ordeal. I didn’t want in, I had been dragged in.
I had the perfect plan—we had the perfect plan. We had planned everything so carefully, down to the last detail. My friends keep saying that the it was going to be such a simple heist that all of Equestria was going to be marveled at how utterly easy it was for a small group of reluctant thieves to come into the palace and make off with two of the greatest treasure in all of Canterlot—hell, some of the greatest treasure known to both human and ponykind alike!
And the entire gang, save for yours truly, was so thrilled to be on board this one-of-a-kind heist. We took weeks to prepare for this day, for that one brief window of opportunity. Food, tools, safe-houses; the whole kit and caboodle. The group was young, stupid, and pumped.
But it’s kind of funny how life decides to turn the tables on you. How quickly your decisions can go from great, creative, and brilliant to sour. All it takes is a small error in judgment, a tiny bit of greed, and then, poof! Everything goes to hell. Because, that’s what life does right? Likes to screw around with people and make them fail. Especially when in the middle of an important event.
That’s when it hits the hardest.
Like when a kid starts selling lemonade for the first time in his life. The day starts off all nice and sunny, but the, out of nowhere the day get overcast and rain starts to pour down out of nowhere. This rain ruins his supposedly great day. All he has to show for his excitement is a soaked body, a ruined jar of lemonade—which he most likely worked hard at making—and an empty pocket; well maybe save for an odd cup or two that he might have sold to some neighbors but nothing great.
Or, heck, celebrities! There’s one hell of an example!
One minute they’re in the lap of luxury and on top of the world, nearly unstoppable with all the wealth they have and the fame that protects their name. Suddenly, they’re involved in a scandal or two and that just ruins their lives, and careers, forever. No more movies, TV shows, Etc cetera, ever again.
God knows what happens to the after that. Bad careers. Fade into obscurity. That kind of thing.
Even history reveals this kind of tendency. Everyone remembers the great depression—at least they learned about it in some way or another. If not, here’s the basic break down: The U.S. was in such an economic boom and had a party mind set in the twenties, that people began to buy more things than they could afford using credit (sounds familiar? Coughcoughmoderntimescoughcough) and suddenly nobody had any money. Like, at all. And everyone—at least the majority of the working class—was now suddenly homeless. People assumed that their lives full of partying and delights were too immune to reality and the way it tends to screw people over; and in the end, they just fell into that trap all the same.
But I digress.
I mentioned this for a single simple reason. That theft that me and friends had worked hard to pull off?
Complete and utter failure.
Which was why I was being held down by two rather bulky guard ponies—both seemed to be earth ponies to boot, so those legs must have been hard as steel. Like all other guards, they were wearing gold regalia, armor that had the symbol of the sun princess.
The floor wasn’t comfortable in the slightest, lemme tell ya. It was A) hard and B) colder than a penguin’s ass in the middle of a snow storm and that couldn’t have possible been any kind of comfortable for my poor, furless, human body.
To make matters worse, I had been caught by three lovely guardsponies. The two on my back were holding me down while the third had gone off, all official-like, to inform the Pony Princess of the Sun who they had found doing what. Kind of like a kid snitching on another kid for dipping their fingers into the cookie jar. Only with something more valuable…and harsher consequences.
So, not only had my little theft gone horribly wrong, now both, as I would assume, of the princesses were being informed about the matter.
I was quite literally, royally screwed.
“Is this the man that you mentioned?”
Oh, hell.
I glanced up at the origin of the voice. I was finally feeling something other than disappointment and pensive worry flowing through my veins.
Hello, dread.
My gaze was met with a clear, wise, violet one. I swallowed. Hard. Oh, boy. This was it.
My eyes darted elsewhere to escape the stare. White fur, snowy and downy looking, adorned the pony in front of me. Actually, it was a bit of a stretch to call her a pony; this mare looked to be the size of a proper horse. But that’s just how I see it. On her back were wings, with a wing span most likely longer than my arms could stretch. They looked big enough to carry her weight and maybe a little extra. The horn on her forehead betrayed her ability to use magic and utilize spells; and if what I heard was right, those spells could be preeeeeetty devastating if she so chose them to be.
However, the thing that stood out the most about her was her mane. It seemed to flow in a breeze that didn’t seem to exist and was colored like a rainbow of pastel colors.
In short, Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria was standing right above me as I was being held down roughly.
“Yes, your highness. This is the colt—I mean, man, that was after the royal treasures.” One of the guards holding me down replied just right when the princess finished her question. Yeesh. Almost didn’t give her a chance to finish before rushing to give an answer. Overzealous much, big guy?
The stallion was practically glowing with the fact that he had reported something to royalty. Or maybe he was just getting excited by the fact that he was finally able to do something for his noble ruler. Or maybe it was turning him on. Either he had two hooves on me or…
Whatever the case may have been, I was still sorta face on the floor, being pinned down by two, and hopefully three, solid hooves staring at the fruits of my labor, to borrow the clichéd phrase. Four sparkling tiaras were on the floor glimmering next to a simple cloth bag. The gems and gold of the tiaras twinkled gaily at me; almost like they were laughing at my misfortune.
Smug little bastards.
“Now,” I heard a gentle, yet stern voice say above me. I glanced up once more to see the princess’s snout a few inches away from my face, her eyes staring down at me gently. Like how a mother looks at the mess their two year old made before sighing and cleaning it up. “Sir human, would you kindly mind telling me what you were hoping to accomplish by stealing the royal crowns? I wish to hear what you have to say.”
I swallowed again.
Then I let out a soft groan of disappointment and plopped my face onto the floor. Great. Just great. There was an easy answer to that question. But I had an even better question.
“Are you in or out?” Jeremy asked over all the din of laughter and conversation around us as he slammed a tankard of cider in front of my face; some of the cool liquid in the wooden mugs sprang free from its container and splashing onto my face and the top of the tavern’s wooden table. “The rest of us have been talking and planning this thing for god knows how long , but you still haven’t said a single damn thing about joining up. I need your answer tonight, brother.” His voice was like how it always was when he brought up this subject; insistent and annoying. It’s not like he was always this pushy, but he had his reason.
I lifted my head off the table, feeling my face cling to it as something sticky on the surface tried to keep me glued to the table with terrible adhesion. I grimaced as I silently regretted putting my face on there in the first place. I rubbed my face and felt some tacky substance on my cheek. Oh, god. I hoped that whatever it was, it was sterile. “No comment,” I answered in turn, looking everywhere but at Jeremy. Taking in the view of the drinking establishment instead of my buddy.
Friday night at Spiced Cider’s.
That time of the week when everyone is finally let off work and ready to cut loose and have some fun. After a week full of hustle, bustle, and stress; it was time to go to a local bar or club and just kick back with some friends, enjoy a tankard of cider and have a few laughs that just might help you end up in someone’s or somepony’s pants; assuming that the ponies in question were wearing clothing of course.
That said, the reasonable sized pub was filled to the brim with ponies and humans drinking away their worries and sorrows, chatting it up and flirting. The air was filled with friendly activity; catcalls, laughter, chatter and if you strained your hearing you could even hear the odd hushed groan of a more physical approach to flirting. Every booth and table in the place was filled with patrons; I had a good view, seeing how Jeremy had ushered me over to the farthest booth away from the more crowded parts of the tavern.
It was just like every other Friday that Mr. Jeremy Ruark made me meet him at Spiced Cider’s. Loud, crowded, and tolerable due to the promise of sweet, sweet strong cider.
The moment my comment reached Jeremy’s ears, he turned his unbearably dark blue eyes in my directing, searing their gaze right in to my own; irritation beginning to grow on the edges of his eyes. “Okay. No. Listen to me,” he ordered briskly, sitting down across from me and taking a drink from his cider. He also ‘conveniently’ lowered his voice, making me strain my ears to hear it over the din of the tavern. “Dude, I’ve been telling you, we need you for this. You know we need you for this. We’ve been planning this crap for…god, how long was it again?”
“Three weeks, four days,” I said non-committedly. I reach over and picked up my drink, taking a long swig from the mug. The stuff was really good; spicy, a tad strong with the alcohol and filled with the crisp juicy taste of apple. It wasn't much a wonder why ponies loved this stuff so much. “And you’ve been on my ass about it since day one.” I finished with an exasperated groan.
“Because you haven’t given me a straight answer! What do I have to do in order to get you to say yes or no?”
Well, first off, It’d be great if he didn’t flip out when I gave him a blunt ‘no’. But, because I knew my friend, I knew that Jeremy would never accept a negative response. Apparently, it messed with ‘team spirit’ or some jazz like that. He really hadn’t changed all that much since the two of us had graduated high school together and considering that that was five years ago…
“Don’t know. Don’t care.” I tilted my head back and drained my entire mug of cider in one go, feeling the hot burn of spirits lighting up the back of my throat.
“Oh, come on!” Jeremy groaned, flopping back into his seat and setting his mug on the table. “Seriously! Focus, man! Think about all the cash we’re gonna be making off of those things. We’ll be set for life!” He sat back up and leaned forward. “There are ponies...people out there who’ll give up an arm and a leg for those crowns, bro. We get them, and we’ll be rich as hell.”
I snorted. “Right. Yeah. And what are the odds of us succeeding? Sure, the pay-out’s great and all that, but what are the consequences of a failure? I mean, we’re not stealing change from some bum or something, Jer. This is big.”
Besides. I’d never stolen a single thing in my life...more or less anyways...
Maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, I'd taken the occasion cookie or dollar bill from my mom’s purse when I was a kid, but I had never really taken anything that was someone else’s, bum or otherwise. Even the thought of actually taking something that belonged to someone else just kind of felt...wrong. Like something heavy and acidic was sitting in my stomach. It didn’t feel right and it wasn’t in my moral interest. Besides...the royal crowns of all things? Taking those just seemed too much, even for Jeremy’s usual lack of sensibility. I was sure that the two royal sisters had enough money to replace the old crowns and all, but what Jeremy was proposing on taking were more than just pieces of royal jewelry; they were symbols of the princesses’ power. “I mean, at best, we’re looking at a few years in prison.”
Jeremy rolled his eyes and drummed his fingers on the table. “Yeah, sure. Glenn, we have this whole things planned out and everything. We have a guy who—“ He halted his speech as a light brown pony—a mare—wearing a kerchief over her twin braids step up to our booth, carrying a tray of filled and empty mugs on her back. “Heya, Cider.” Jeremy grinned at the equine, leaning away from me and focusing all his attention at the pony.
Spiced Cider, the mare who both owned and ran the tavern for as long as I had been in Equestria, gave the two of us a hearty grin. “Hey there, fellas, Are ya done with those mugs? Need a refill?”
I turned my head away from the earth pony and felt my face grimace lightly. Dammit. This was what I was hoping to avoid tonight, or every night for that matter; interacting with the ponies.
Frankly, I didn’t like them. They were nice and all, but they...unsettled me a little; and by a little I mean a great deal. Simply put, they were a little too empathetic towards people and tended to react in extremes; they had no emotional buffer. Tell them some bad news about yourself or otherwise; and they’ll deflate like a balloon. Tell them some good news and they’d turn into the happiest pony in Equestria; bouncing around joyfully even when it didn’t really concern them. It was just too strange and out of place; they cared way too much about the people around them, regardless if they knew them or not.
It just wasn’t human.
They weren’t human.
It was too strange for me to handle.
“I could use another,” I replied somewhat hoarsely as I handed over my mug; glancing out of the corner of my eye to see Cider take the mug with her hoof and place it on the tray on her back.
But once that was done, Cider gave me a concerned look. “Ya sure about that, dahlin’?” Cider’s worried and lightly accented voice reached my ears, causing one of my hands to tighten into a fist involuntarily, the fingers digging into my skin hard enough to leave indentations; I just wanted her to go away. “Ya already had your usual three mugs. I know ya get kinda loopy afta four.”
The words I said in reply were forced from my throat; dry and grating, like they were dragged through a gravel road. “It’s fine. I think I’m gonna just cut loose a little bit more tonight.”
“Ya are?” A moment of silence, save for the din of people talking and laughing. “Ya okay, dahlin’? What’s wrong, this ain’t like ya usually are.” A repressed scoff formed in my chest; stinging the edges of my lungs. Oh, so she knew me that well, did she? That was rich. “Ya havin’ a bad day? Wanna talk about it, sugah?” The genuine worry in Cider’s voice did nothing to stop the irritation building in my body; I just, wanted, her gone.
If she wasn’t going to take a hint, I was going to have to tell her directly, now wasn’t I? “I—“
Jeremy cut in before I could even begin to really speak. “Nah, he’s just had a long day, Cider. Nothing too bad; he just needs to unwind.” He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and offered me a hidden thumbs up. He had the situation under control. Or whatever he was trying to tell me.
Cider’s voice still carried an air of worry. She wasn't letting this go. “Ya sure? I wouldn’t want any of mah best patrons to be feelin’ down. I mean, sure; it sells me a bit more cider, but I don’t want any of ya to get hurt.” Cider’s hooves clopped for a step or two as she scooted Jeremy over in his booth’s seat and took up the space directly in front of me, much to my chagrin.
“Ya sure you’re feelin’ down, Sugah?” She stared right at me, her orange eyes far more agonizing than Jeremy’s. Speaking of the guy, Jeremy opened his mouth to speak, but was shushed by a hoof to the mouth. “Hush now, sweetheart. I wanna hear this comin’ from the source.”
My eyes glanced to the side of the table. “Yeah. Sure. I’m fine. Whatever.”
A hoof hit the table, causing it to shake and our empty mugs to rattle in unison. “Come on, Glenn. Ya gotta look someone in the eye when talking to ‘em.”
My teeth were grinding together in my mouth with enough force to crush diamonds, but I forced my most natural smile on my face and looked at Cider right in the eyes. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, pour some cider in my eye,” I said, reciting Cider’s most used promise.
Satisfied with my answer, Cider winked her eyes at me. “See? That’s the ticket. I’ll bring ya boys your cider as soon as I can.” With a little hum of joy, Cider hopped off the booth’s seat and turned to walk away, giving me a view of her cutie mark, those tattoo like things that all ponies have on their flanks.
A tankard of Cider. No surprise there. It even had a cinnamon stick poking out from the mug.
The smirk that was spreading on Jeremy’s face told me everything I needed to know about the next few words that were going to come out of his mouth. “Dude, you’re still acting like that around the ponies?”
“Shut. Up.” I growled at him, rubbing the bridge of my nose. Damn. Damn. Now I was getting all worked up.
“Whoa! Someone’s a touchy dick today!” He chuckled lightly. “I mean, come on, bro. You shouldn’t flip your shit like that. The ponies are nice. I mean, heck, Spiced Cider was actually worried about you. And you’re sitting there like Scrooge.”
“Urgh.” I groaned. “Cider was only worried because it might affect her business.”
A slightly whimsical look crossed Jeremy’s face. “Geez. I mean, I understand that why you're pissed, but you gotta get over that whole thing with Ebony sooner or la—“
“Just shut up!” I barked at Jeremy. I fixed my gaze with his. “Don’t you ever mention that asshole’s name.” I didn’t want to remember about my ex-housemate and the trouble I went through with that pony. “I don’t have to get over that. Not now, not ever.” I glowered at my friend.
Jeremy shook his head. “Alright. Alright. Maybe you don’t. But it’s kind of unreasonable for you to hate a whole group of individuals over one jerk.”
“What about you and redheads?”
Jeremy balked. “That’s completely different and you know it. That’s a goddamn phobia.”
“Whatever. In any case, I doubt that Cider really cares. After all, every bartender is everybody’s friend until they’ve had one too many.”
Jeremy’s eyes glanced away from me as voice spoke up from behind me. “Cynic.” I went to turn my head around to see who was behind me, only to have a hand—yes a hand—cover my eyes. “Nuh-uh, Glenn. You don’t get to see who it is till you guess.”
“Only person who’s dumb enough to do this is you, Christine,” I answered, rolling my eyes under the palm of her hand. “Now, get off my face.” I brushed Christine’s hand off my eyes and tilted my head back, glaring at the black haired girl. “Aaaand, black today?”
Christine Auer was one of the few most artistic people I have ever met. She was an apprentice fashion designer under a stallion under the name of Hoity-Toity and because of that she was more or less fashionable. She kept her hair in a pixie cut and dyed her hair different colors almost every day; which couldn’t be any good for her roots or anything. She also came up with odd harebrained ideas for clothes that actually got attention on the Equestrian fashion circuit. However, the only thing that wasn’t very ‘fashionable’ about Christine was the fact that her style of clothing would vary from day to day as well.
One day she’d be wearing something elegant from one of the fancier shops in Canterlot and the next she’d be walking around in the pajamas she wore last night. She didn’t care how others saw her and just went with what her gut told her. Pretty impressive to say in the least.
That night’s ensemble was completely black. A turtle neck, slacks, trainers—everything a dark charcoal color. Wait. Oh, hell no.
“Don’t tell me Jeremy roped you into this too,” I groaned, almost placing my head on the table, but remembered how sticky the table had been. “No, no. Don’t say it just yet.” I held up my hand as Christine’s lips began to move. “First, I want to clarify something. A cynic is what a pessimist calls a realist. I don’t need you, Ms. Sunshine, to tell me any different. Everybody’s after something and nobody, or pony for that matter, is nice for no reason.”
“Examples, mon ami?” Christine said, leaning down and resting her chin on my forehead.
“Off,” I said pointedly before continuing. “Lemme see. Jeremy here asked me out for a couple of drinks, which is fine because we usually do this every Friday. But lo and behold! He promised to pay for all my drinks—as it turns out, the entire thing was a ploy for him to get me to join you guys in stealing a certain something.
“So, yeah. I don’t trust anyone, not even the ponies,” I sat back and crossed my arms. “I’d like for you to prove me otherwise.”
With a pout, Christine glared at me. “Scootch,” She said, urging me to scoot over. “Hmph. Well, I’ll get my chance, right in a few seconds!” She pointed over to Cider who was approaching the booth. “Evening, Cider!” She waved as the Pony approached the booth.
“Evenin’, Christine. How’s mah favorite fashion designer doin’?” Cider responded kindly, setting a mug of cider in front of Jeremy and sliding mine over to me across the table. “Here ya go boys. Enjoy.”
“I’m doing good, Cider. Can’t complain, just learning new things every day.”
“ ‘S good to hear, sweetie. I’ll be crossin’ my hooves in hopes that ya get famous and make me one of those gala dresses. I’ve always wanted to go to the gala, but I never have anythin’ to wear.”
Christine laughed. “Sure, Cider. Once I hit the big leagues, I’ll give you all the dresses you want.”
“Good to hear it! Ya want anything to drink, Sugah?”
Eagerly, Christine nodded. “Yes, please. Just some juice for me…ah…no. Actually, I’d like a non-alcoholic cider, if you have it.”
The mare laughed. “Sugah, my pub’s always stocked with both kinds of Cider.”
“I know, but I’m just trying to be polite is all.”
“Alright, but don’t get too polite on me, ya hear?” Cider chuckled, walking towards the bar.
After the mare left, Christine stared at me with a smile. “What?” I asked, glancing away from her and grabbing my Cider.
Jeremy chuckled into his tankard of cider.
“See, we were both being nice to each other. No reason whatsoever.” She crossed her arms in a certain kind of triumph. But I refused to have her win at this argument. I had just the thing to beat her.
“First of all, you promised her dresses, which even though she was maybe joking about, it’s still incentive. Second, that whole exchange just guaranteed you a priority over other customers. Most of the patrons don’t engage the servers all too often.”
A breath of air left Christine’s nose. “You’re crazy to think that just because I gave her some small talk, Cider’s is going to—”
“Here you go, Sugah. One regular cider,” Spiced Cider slid a tall glass of cider onto the table and smiled up at Christine. “Enjoy.”
For a moment, Christine could do nothing but blink at the brown pony, before smiling, albeit a bit nervously. “Oh, um, yeah. Thanks a lot, Cider.”
“Weren’t nothing, Sugah,” Cider winked, heading back towards another table.
Christine played with her glass for a few moments before looking over at me, who was wearing a slightly smug smile on his face. “W-what?”
“Oh, nothing. Just pointing out that I proved myself right. Again.”
And exasperated sigh came from Christine as she fiddled with her cup some more. “Fine, whatever. I’ll let you win this time, but I’m still not done with trying to prove you wrong, Glenn. Just watch. I’m going beat the cynicism out of you.”
I chuckled and returned to my mug, allowing Jeremy to jump back into the conversation. “But anyways, you really shouldn’t knock on the ponies, Glenn. They don’t look like us, but they’re still people, all the same. You should give them another chance. Might get you the affection of hot young mare or two.” A lewd grin stretch on his face. “They’re real animals in bed.”
I scoffed. “I don’t think with my second head, Jer. I’d rather use the one with a brain in it. Besides,” I lowered my voice. “How can you even sleep with one? They’re practically horses; how do you get turned on by one?”
Human-pony couples weren’t a rare thing in Equestria. In the earlier years, when humans and ponies first came into contact, there were some xenophobic tendencies expressed with each race; but tensions lowered significantly in a few years and couples consisting of both races began generating out of the peace. I think it was because the ponies were more amiable than anything, seeing everyone as an equal.
As expected of Jeremy, his mouth twisted into a saucy smirk. “It’s not that hard. Was always an ass-man; and those plots be juicy.” He turned his attention to a passing cream-colored mare, giving her a flirtatious wink. “And the cutie marks give ‘em a nice aesthetic.”
I groaned and buried my face in my hands. “Never mind. Forget I asked.”
“Jeremy, you’re such a sexist pig!” Christine said in a mock angry voice. “But really, you should give us human girls some of that attention.”
I winced. Ah. Yeah. If anything, Christine has a thing for Jeremy. “Should have seen him in high school,” I grinned at Jeremy. “He was humping the leg of any girl that would get within a hundred feet of him.”
Cider splashed out of Jeremy’s cup as he began to cough in an exaggerated manner. Must have gone down the wrong tube. After three forceful coughs, Jeremy shot me a glare. If looks could kill, I probably would have been alright. He didn’t look that bad. “Glenn. Not cool, dude. You make me sound like some sort of man-whore.”
Oh, really? “Says the man who was just now saying how great pony ass is.” I raised an eyebrow.
“Good point.” He admitted in defeat. A second later her sputtered out, “I-I’m not a man-whore, though. I just have a deep appreciation of the female body! Pony or otherwise.”
“Mmmhmm.”
“Suuuuure.”
Both Christine and I didn’t believe him.
“Assholes.” Wounded and forced to retreat, Jeremy began to nurse his cider with a very unmanly pout on his face.
A small silence fell over our booth as our jokes dried out for the moment. We drank in perfect quiet, the bar around us still rowdy with activity, but the three of us just sitting there and drinking; not a single sound left our lips.
That was good, no talking meant that I had successfully diverted all chances of our conversation going back to Jeremy’s first question of the evening; now I could just sit back and enjoy the fact that I had avoided it altogether.
I really didn’t want to get caught up in a theft, especially this one. First of all, why the hell would someone like Jeremy, an obvious pony-lover(no pun intended), come up with the idea of stealing the royal crowns anyways? It’s not like he was hurting for money—in fact it was quite the contrary, he had money to burn.
He had nothing against the ponies and pulling something like this seemed out of character for him. Rather, it seemed like it would be pulled off by someone who had a deep distrust in ponies. Someone who would want to get back at the ponies for some grudge or another. Someone who has a hate for them.
Someone like me.
It just wasn’t what I personally would do; had it been anything else involving a resentment of ponies, I wouldn’t have thought twice about helping out with Jeremy’s little project—in fact I would have been an eager beaver. But I wasn’t a bad guy, really. I mean, yeah, I was distrustful of the ponies and a little on the cynical side of things; however I wasn’t going to just get up and steal something that belongs to others. I didn’t like the ponies and I wasn’t going to try and be buddy-buddy with any of them any time soon, but I wasn’t exactly keen on committing any crimes to ‘get back at them’.
It was best for me to leave before Jeremy remembered about the query and tried to get me in on his scheme. I downed the cider, my eyes watering for a moment from the alcohol burning down my throat, and set the mug down on the table. “I’m done for the night, I’ll see you around.” I quickly said my good-bye and stood up, pulling out my wallet. “So, how much were the drin—“
“They’re on me,” Jeremy said. He rested his stein on the tabletop. He also stared right at me and folded his arms in front of his chest. “And you’re not leaving until you give me a straight answer, Glenn. It’s yes or no.”
Son of bitch, he completely remembered. “Do you really want me answer, Jer?” My eyes bore into his. His gaze fought back as he nodded at me, his facial expression unchanging and his body steady as a rock. “Fine. No. I’m not going to help you. Alright?” My gaze turned into a glare. “So, just deal with that, alright? I’m not going to help you steal anything. Now if you don’t mind…” I looked to Christine who was sitting next to me, moving my head in a simple “move” gesture. “I’m going to go home and forget about this.”
To my dismay, Christine shook her head, giving me an apologetic look. “No can do, Glenn.” Were they kidding me? I just now gave Jeremy a straight answer. I rejected the notion. “We kinda need you to help out.”
I rolled my tongue into my cheek in frustration, before plopping my ass back into my seat. I glared over at Jeremy, who in turn scooted a bit forward and rested his hands on top of the wood of the table. There was a steely look in his eyes; I knew this look all too well. He was going to be all business now—he was going to get what he wanted no matter what asshole move he was going to have to pull. “Glenn. I’m not just going to let you walk away from this. I need all the people I can get on this and you’re one of the people that are going to help, like it or not.
“Let’s start off with a question, Glenn. How exactly did you pay for the cottage that you’re living in? How did you get that down payment?”
My mouth began to go dry. We both new that answer to that. It was a no-brainer how I had gotten the money for my current home—in fact, it would be stupid of Jeremy not to know how I had gotten the money for it. “Hell. No. Don’t pull this on me, Jer. Don’t you do this.” If I had enough saliva I would have swallowed in frustration.
“I paid that for you, didn’t I?” Jeremy answered for me, not once looking away. “And that was a lot of money wasn’t it? I put down a lot of bits so you could get a place to stay.”
Hot breath escaped my nose. “Yeah, and you said that I could pay that all back when I could.” I had been paying Jeremy back little by little since he had helped me move into a new place. It was a typical Jeremy move for him to help me out—especially since I hadn’t been able to land a good job ever since my incident with Ebony. This was a new kind of low, even for Jeremy.
Agreeing with my statement, Jeremy nodded. “I did. Didn’t I? But let me put it this way, if we can get the crowns, you won’t have to pay me back anything and you’ll get a cut of the payment. It’s a pretty good deal if you ask me.” He really wasn’t going to let up. “If you don’t want to help, that’s fine, but, you’re going to have to pay me back for the down payment. Tonight.”
I felt my heart begin to beat harshly in my chest. “I don’t have that kind of money, Jeremy. You know that.” I glanced over at Christine who had begun to awkwardly mess around with her glass of cider. “I can’t pay you back.” My body began to grow warmer as anger flowed through my body. This was bullshit, how could Jeremy pull something like this on me?
“Then either you help me out or…well, I’m going to have to get my money back somehow.” His eyes locked onto mine. “I don’t want to have to be the bad guy, Glenn. But like I said, I need all the people I can get, and you’re who I need. I don’t want to do anything, bro, but I’m going pull any string I can.”
The look in his eyes promised that he wasn’t joking. And I knew that he wasn’t. He had played this card before, but not at such a big level—just with things like magazines or games or something; he never threatened to make me homeless. “Jer—”
“Well? I need an answer. Are you going to help me out? Or do I have to do something I don’t want to.” If anyone else had been saying that statement, I would have labeled them as hypocritical assholes who actually didn’t care what happened to me—but, Jeremy really didn’t want to do this. I knew that for a fact. But he was going to do whatever he could to make me help him.
I gripped my fists and the table and glanced away from Jeremy. “This is blackmail.”
“Yeah. It is.”
He admitted that so easily. “So I have no other choices?”
“Nope.”
“Goddamit,” I cursed, raking my hands through my hair in frustration. Either help out in something that could potentially land my ass in prison or get me rich; or end up homeless. This was a dick move. “You’re almost as bad as Ebony,” I hissed. It was true. Ebony had stabbed me in the back while I was living with him, Jeremy was basically doing the same thing—only he was giving me a choice. Not that this made it any better. In fact, this was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
My friend shrugged. “If that’s what I got to be that’s what I’m going to be. I need your help, Glenn.”
There was nothing else I could do. “Fine. Screw it. I’ll help you,” A huge grin began to form on Jeremy’s face. “But you’re going to be on my shit list. You’re my friend, Jer, but you just really screwed me over. I’m not going to be happy with you for a long time. After we’re done, I don’t want to see you or talk to you for a while,” If ever, “this was a low blow, even for you.”
Jeremy’s face twitched. “Oh. Uh….” The grin that was forming on his face left and he sighed. “Yeah. Alright…that’s…fair enough , I suppose. Just as long as you’re helping out, Glenn. That’s was really matters right now.” He knocked on the wooden table with his fist.
“Um…” Christine decided to speak up. “Glenn, I get that you’re mad but—”
“Please. Just drop it,” I growled with a little more venom than I intended.
A hollow silence, unlike the peaceful one we had moments ago, filled up a void at our booth. Goddamit, I was pissed; there was blood pumping through my ears and I could feel the want to jump over the table and choke the hell out of Jeremy. He had never put me in a compromising position like that and there was no way that I was going to take that kindly. Who in the hell was going to think “Oh, it’s fine” when they had been basically threatened to be booted out of their home? Nobody was going to be happy with that.
“Well. Now that we have you on the team, Glenn,” I glared up to see Jeremy looking at his watch. “It’s about time that we met up with everyone else.” He quickly slid out of the booth and put some bits on the table. Enough to pay off the drinks and a tip. He glanced back at me, and then looked forward.
Back at Spiced Cider’s, Jeremy had clearly said that he had needed all the people he could get—which to me had obviously meant that he needed a certain people that had certain skills to help him pull this whole thing off. After all, whenever anyone pulled a heist off in a movie or anything like that, you had a group of individuals who had certain abilities and knowledge to break into their target’s secure area and make their way through without getting caught. You see that all the time in things like Mission: Impossible and Ocean’s Eleven and other movies of that nature.
Of course, movies don’t equal reality.
“We’re meeting up in here,” Jeremy stated, keeping his hands in the pockets of his black hoodie. He turned into a wide alleyway that was nestled between a Bakery and what looked to be some sort of shop that specialized in…Dolphins? It was hard, at times, to figure out what certain shops were in Equestria. Most shop owners seemed to enjoy putting up their cutiemarks as shop signs without even putting down a word. In any case, I glanced behind me and sighed hotly. “So, Glenn, Christine; this is everyone else. Guys, these are my friends, Glenn and Christine.”
I wanted to deck him with a good one.Friend? Did he really just go on and say something like that after he basically threatened to kick me out of my home? Yeah,sure. That was a friend alright. The more we had walked away from Spiced Cider’s the more that my anger grew in my stomach. I had said that I wasn’t going to talk to him for a while. Just a while. Now, thinking things over, there wasn’t anything on god’s green earth that could make me associate myself with him after this entire ordeal. I sucked in a breath of hot air and then looked over at the people in the alleyway.
There were more people than I was expecting. Instead of a small group consisting of only a few handpicked individuals, I noticed that we had about a classroom’s worth of people standing in an alleyway, all of them dressed in some sort of dark, mostly black, color. Mission: Impossible this was not. We had too many people for that. With a group this big, I wondered exactly what Jeremy had planned. It would be one hell of thing to be able to utilize so many people for a theft.
And to further my surprise, I spotted three ponies in the small crowd as well, nodding at me and Christine as Jeremy introduced us. Why the heck were they here? You’d think that ponies would be the last individuals to help us out. But no, it appeared to be that even the ponies were in on the action.
A few hellos were passed around to Christine and I and a few handshakes were given, as well as two very tentative hoofshakes to two of the ponies that had approached me, which left me feeling completely uncomfortable—both of them Stallions, while the single mare sat back and chatted quietly with a tall black man.
“Alright team, let’s not waste any more time,” Jeremy clapped his hands gently to get everyone’s attention. “Now that we have everyone we need and everyone more or less has an idea of who is who, I’m going to give all of you a basic rundown of what we’re about to do.” He glanced over at me for a second, and then turned back to the ‘team’. “So. Basically what we’re all here for is to steal the royal crowns, yeah?” There was a murmur of agreement among the group. “Yeah, good. Alright. To know the circumstances we’re going to be deal with Watchdog is going to give us the information that he’s been able to gather in the past few days, observing the palace.”
One of the stallions in the group, a grey pegasus, with a blue mane stepped forward a bit meekly, his head down and his eyes darting a bit, a sheepish look on his face. A pair of binoculars with Red circles for lenses were on his flank; I fathomed that he was an observer. As he took Jeremy’s place in front of the group, his meek demeanor changed as he righted his back and held up his head. “Um, yeah. I-I’m…Watchdog and I’ve noticed something about the p-p-palace. About this time, every night, there are two events happening: The end of the night tour of Celestia’s castle, and a change of the day guard for the night guard. Both of these events are pretty significant two us for different reasons, but one common one—they both make our jobs easier.
“The new guards will have no idea who’s been in and out of the castle, not really. They weren’t there for the night tour of the castle and will have no idea how many people and ponies were in the tour itself. So, saying that, anyone who is caught inside of the palace can say that they got separated from the tour and have no idea how to get out. Second of all—we can actually utilize that as a valid excuse; Since the tour should be ending right about…” Watchdog stared up at the sky, as though monitoring something, “Now. Precisely Punctual always finishes up the tour every night at the exactly same time; and the moon is always at the same location in the sky. Watchdog cleared his throat and glanced over at Jeremy who nodded.
“However we only have one drawback. Unlike the day guard, where more guards are positioned at almost every door, the night guard doesn’t bother with putting a pony at each entrance. However, to make up for this, they increase their patrol schedule, making sure to cover more ground quickly.” Watchdog’s face grew a bit serious. “So, I guess, we have an easier way out of things, but it’ll be harder for us to steal the crowns…a-and that’s about all, I, um, I guess.” Sheepishly, Watchdog lowered his head again and smiled at everyone, his eyes darting from one person he the next as though seeking approval. Guess what? No one said anything.
Well, except for Jeremy.
“Good job, Watchdog.” The guy patted the pony on the back and ran a hand through his own brown colored hair. In response, Watchdog’s ears perked up and a small smile crossed the pony’s lips. “So, we have that little tidbit of information—Projector, if you will?” A Yellow unicorn with a light green mane (not the best combination of colors I’ve seen on a pony, but certainly not the worst) nodded and stood in front of Jeremy. A yellowy, sparkling haze sprang up from his horn and the wall was suddenly lit up by the image of the wall a map. I raised an eye brow. Magic. It did have its uses. “This is that map that Mitchell,” He pointed to an Asian guy who fixed his glasses self-consciously, “Managed to get from a source he would not name. Sounds like a spy movie…” A few chuckles emerged from the crowd.
It was more like nervous laughter than actual mirth.
“And these here are the patrol routes of the night guard that Watchdog observed,” A few white lines appeared on the map, traveling around marked areas. I blinked my eyes in surprise. Those were a lot of patrols. At least a lot more than I was expecting as it were. “So, as you can see, there’s quite a few of them around, which will make maneuvering inside the palace a hassle.” With a single finger, Jeremy traced a patrol line.
His hand back off clenching into a fist. “So this is what we’re going to do.” He looked to someone else in the group who tossed his a backpack that looked like it had been filled to bursting. “We’ll be dividing into four teams of people. Two teams of four going into the palace itself to take the crowns and two teams composed of the rest of us to make a distraction; using these.” Jeremy unzipped the backpack and pulled out a bottle rocket and a string of firecrackers.
Fireworks? Was he serious?
“As far as effective tactics go, this is both a bad one and a good one. These make enough noise to bring in any guards running to investigate what’s going on, but they easily give away our positions and make it easy for people to get caught—or maybe even the guards will eventually stop regarding whoever is using these as an annoyance rather than a threat. But that’s why we’re going to be setting them off in different areas, all around here.” Dots appeared around the perimeter of the palace, flashing a deep red in color. “This way we can get the guards to scatter around the castle and have our ‘infiltration team’” He made air quotes. Who still uses air quotes? “Get in and steal the crowns—one team is to distract the other guards that may have popped up and the other is to get to the vault where the crowns are located.”
A path was traced on the map leading from the back of the castle to a room near the rear of the castle. “I’m not saying that my plan is fool-proof or anything, but considering how we’re trying to keep this as a no casualty operation, a no injury operation at that, this is one of the best options we’ve got. So, if you have any questions now’s the time t—”
“Wait, the hell do you mean no injuries!?” A guy shoved his way through the crowd. “ I came here because you said we were gonna hit them where it hurts, Jeremy. And then you spout this crap? I wanted to kick some pony ass!” The man’s eyes stared hard at Jeremy, who stepped away from the map on the wall and crossed his arms, stepping up to the man.
Both Watchdog and Projector stared at the man with a bit of disdain in their eyes. They obviously not happy with what the man was saying.
“Tough. We’re not here to beat on anyone. You best get that through your head, Trevor. We’re not going to hurt anyone and you’re gonna have to deal with that.”
Trevor didn’t back down. In fact, he stepped up to Jeremy and got right in his face, eyes burning angrily. “What. You think you’re the leader or some hot shit like that? You don’t tell me what to do. If I want to beat the living hell out of somepony I will. You don’t control me.”
“But I am in charge of this operation.” There was heavy tension between Jeremy and Trevor—hot tension that seemed to build up and waited patiently to burst into a burning explosion. As far as I remembered, Jeremy always rubbed certain people the wrong way—not on purpose, but he always had the potential to make someone lose their cool rather easily. “So if you can’t handle something like not hurting anyone or anypony in the palace, then get your ass out of here and don’t come back. I don’t need someone eager to fight on my team, Trevor.” He let his arms drop to his side and clenched his hands halfway. If necessary he was going to fight this problem out—that was exactly like how Jeremy was. He was always ready to solve any problem in any way that was possible, even if it involved violence.
Trevor continued to try and intimidate Jeremy with his glower, but eventually backed off and gave a disgusted scoff. “Whatever. Screw you and your idealistic bull.” He held up his hands, emulating a passive stance. “You want to play the good little thief, go ahead. If I can’t knock any heads together, then what’s the point of me being here?” His arms dropped to his sides as well. “Best you find someone else to take my place.” Oh, typical. I wasn’t going to defend the guy, he was acting like a child. And no matter how much spite I had for Jeremy at the moment, I wasn’t about to protect someone who was acting a little more assholish than Jeremy.
For the love of god. I hate ponies too, but I wasn’t eager to up and hurt them for the sake of just hurting them.
“Screw all of you,” Trevor waved back towards us, giving us the standard salute of offense. Fist up, middle finger out and about.
The moment Trevor was out of sight, Jeremy turned to Watchdog. “Hey, bud. You think you can tail him and make sure he doesn’t report us or anything? If he tries, take him out, but don’t try to rough him up. You think you can handle that?”
With a nod, Watchdog puffed up. “Just leave it to me! I’ll make sure that he doesn’t tell anypony anything!” He flared out his wings and took off into the sky.
“Right…so…” Jeremy snapped his fingers and rested his fists against each other, acting a bit nervous—but, come on, it was just an act. He wasn’t really nervous at all—he didn’t bat a single eye when threatening me, he wasn’t going to be nervous now either. If anything, he was probably excited. “Most of you already know which group you’re supposed to be helping out, so get together and Melanie is gonna pass out the fireworks to all of you and I’m gonna tell Glenn exactly what he’s going to be doing” He patted Projector’s back and made his way to me, reaching into the back pack he was carrying and pulling something out.
As he got closer, I crossed over my chest and stared at Jeremy. I had given my consent to help him out with this entire scheme, but I was still pissed off at him. There was time to cool off and just accept what had happened to me—but how the hell was I going to just accept that my friend, correction, my most trusted friend, would come out and just hang my only form of shelter over my head like a parent holding a video game over a ten-year-old. That just wasn’t right on any level and I wasn’t about to just let something like that slip by.
I was certain that after all this was done, I wasn’t going to ever want to see Jeremy or hear from him. Not a snowball’s chance in hell. “So?” I asked, keeping my tone curt. “How are you forcing me to help your band of thieves?” I still wanted no part of this, no matter if I was helping him or not.
Almost sadly, Jeremy shook his head. “Oh, come on man, don’t be like that. Fact of the matter is that we’re in this together now—”
“No!” I hissed, uncrossing my arms. “Fact of the matter is that that you completely blackmailed me into this bullshit and I have no say in what I’m doing. I’m already in this and I’m hanging on your mercy at the moment—which, if you don’t forget, is basically shot to hell because if I don’t help you, I’m going to be living out on the street.”
It was rare that I saw Jeremy at an actual loss for words. His eyes looked at my, moving, looking for some mercy in my eyes and he wasn’t getting that luxury. A sigh came from mouth as he looked away, his eyes cast to the floor. His mouth opened once, then closed as he shook his head, glancing back up at me. “Look, Bro, I just—”
“Don’t call me that. I’m not your ‘Bro’ anymore, Jeremy.” Maybe this wasn’t the right time or place for this, but I was angry and I had put up with Jeremy’s crap before. Like I said, nothing as excessive as this, but now I wasn’t going to laugh it off like I did twenty bucks or a DVD. “I can’t be friends with an asshole who just throws their weight around when they feel like it. It’s people like you that keep me from trusting anyone!”
“Glenn—”
I wasn’t quite finished yet. I wasn’t going to just be satisfied with only saying that. “Shut up. After this is over, don’t talk to me again. After this whole thing is done, I don’t want to see you, hear you, or anything. You screwed me over and that’s not going to fly with me. We’re done.” I don’t know how much malice was in my eyes, but Jeremy looked away, nodding and sucking in his cheek.
I took in a deep breath. “So, what are you going to have me do, Ruark?” I wasn’t even going to grace him with his own name.
With a sigh, Jeremy shook his head. “Fine. Alright. It’s cool that you don’t want to forgive me or anything. I mean, yeah…yeah, I screwed you pretty good.” He breathed in through his nose. “That guy that just left? Trevor? He was going to be in one of the inside teams. You know, the teams that go in and get the crowns and all that. And since we’re one man short on that end, I’m gonna need you to join the team that he left. If he didn’t leave, you would have just help light some fireworks but…” He shrugged. “So, you’ll be joining up with Projector and his crew over there,” he pointed over to Projector who looked like he was having a serious conversation with the white mare that I saw earlier, same with that tall black man.
“Ponies.” Was the first word out of my mouth. I had to work with two ponies. I swallowed. “Can’t you get anyone else to—”
Jeremy shook his head, denying that way out to me. “Nope. Everybody else basically choose where they wanted to be already.” Jeremy gestured to the people that were taking fireworks and talking—presumably about the heist that was about to take place. “They have the position they have because they chose what they wanted. Had said ‘yes’ earlier, you would have gotten to choose too. But now you’re stuck with what we have empty. And that team with the ponies? That’s all I have left and that’s what I need you to do.
“And besides that,” Jeremy looked back towards the group and the turned back ,sticking out his hand. “I want you to hold onto this while you’re out in the palace.”
What? My eyes glanced downward. What he had in his hand was a long, rectangular-ish machine with a rubber grip. The top of the thing sloped in at a sort of crescent moon shape, two small pieces of metal poking out from the top, a trigger on the side. “What the fu…A stun gun, Jeremy? I thought you said ‘no injuries’.” I glared up at him. “No way. I’m not taking this.”
“Glenn, take it,” Jeremy locked onto me with his deep-blues. “Don’t use it if you don’t have to, but take it. It’s insurance. In case you get trapped in a corner or something.”
“I’m not going to—”
The stun gun was pressed to my chest with safe end pointing towards me and the dangerous end pointed at Jeremy. “Take it. Look, I’m not trying to redeem myself or anything here, I don’t think this makes us even or some stupid junk like that. I want you to take this just in case you need to use it, because even though I’m not your friend or whatever, you are still my friend. Despite how much and asshole I am and all that, I still want you to be safe and I don’t want you to get caught.” Oi. Seriously, did he even listen to himself talk? He was basically telling me to go into the place where I was most likely to get caught and telling me that he didn’t want me to get caught at all, something just wasn't adding up here and it put me even further on edge than I already was.
Yet, just like the heist question, Jeremy wasn’t going to let this stop him from giving me the stun gun. “Fine. But I’m not going to use it.” At least unless I was actually being threatened or something.
There was a satisfied and tranquil look on Jeremy’s face. “That’s fine, just keep it on you; and here, you’re definitely going to need this baby.” He slipped a small vial filled with swirling pastel blue liquid towards me. “That’s basically a sample of Celestia’s magic,” He informed me. “You’re going to need it to open up the vault where the crowns are being kept.” They were being kept in a vault; every second that went by there were more unwanted surprises being thrown at me ?! “You should go meet with Projector and them to get to know them. They’re gonnabe your lifelines you know.” Jeremy tapped my shoulder with his fist and left me alone.
Well dammit. Looks like I was going to be bothered by ponies a second time this night and for an extended amount of time at that. “Dammit,” I cursed almost silently, before wandering over to Projector and the other two on his team. “Hi,” I greeted them focusing on the only other human in the group. “I’m…Glenn, I’m gonna be taking…uh…Trevor’s?...place in your group.” I promptly shut up after giving my half-assed introduction hoping that all conversation would end there—of course, as anyone could expect of a species as friendly as ponies, that wasn’t the end of the conversation.
“A pleasure to make your aquataince, Glenn!” Projector recived my greeting and returned it in kind, his voice containing an odd british accent to it. A bit of a dramatic accent—it sounded authentic and everything, just a bit exagerated. “I’m Idea Projector, the head of this little rag-tag quartet. I must say, you are most definitely an improvement over that Trevor fellow, never up to any good, that one. Always continued to carry on about giving anyone who opposed him beatings and all that nonsense. Truly the epitome of unruliness, am I ever glad to welcome you to our cozy little team!” Projector’s enthusiasm was a bit unwanted in my current situation; it was like having a morning person prance everywhere before a regular person had their coffee. “What do you think Angel Charm?” Projector’s attention turned the snowy white earth pony with her silver hair adored with a ribbon on each side of her head.
She glanced over at me and then nodded. “Yup! He doesn’t look as mean as Trevor did, he looks like juuuuuust~ the opposite, good-looking too~.” Oh, please no. She paused as the tall dark-skinned man beside her gave her an inquiring look, raising his eyebrow and everything. “Oh, but he’s not as handsome as you are, Orfeo~.” She did a little giggly noise as she rubbed her body up against the man’s legs causing him to roll his eyes and smile at me.
“Donne, no?” He laughed. “Hello, Glenn my name is Orfeo, I'm Angel’s boyfriend.” Okay then. I had met but another pony-lover. Great, great. “It is very good to have you on the team and I’ll do my best to look out for you too, okay? Just don’t look too long at Angel, yes? She's all I have,” His entire demeanor was playing this off as a joke, but my instincts were telling me that this was anything but a joke.
“You’ll have…no problem with that.”
“Aaaw~” Whined Angel Charm. “But I thought I was cute enough to ogle. Just a little?” Okay, when somebody themselves was admitting that they were cute, there was a problem involving humility somewhere. But Angel didn’t pay that any heed, she just dipped her head down a little and batted her eyes at me. My teeth began pressing together so hard I was wondering if any of them were beginning to crack, this mare was starting to grate on my nerves more than was normal.
Thankfully, Projector stepped in and bopped Angel charm right on the nose. “Calm down, you, I don't think this is the time to be finding another man to, pardon my griffon, butter your buns. This is a very important moment in our lives and we have to be ready for whatever may happen, understood?” Heh. Well, it seemed that someone was paying attention to the task at hand…even though I didn’t like his species much.
Angel Charm giggled in response. “Oh, Project, you’re always so serious~. Maybe if I flirted with you a little you wouldn’t be so uptight, I promise to play nice~.” Angel’s voice held a sort of allure to it, it was almost enchanting; sexy even. This disconcerted me to an extent. After all, I didn’t like ponies and they reminded me too much of actual equines back on earth; so the fact that her voice was actually a bit charming in a sensual way just didn’t sit right with me.
Apparently it didn’t sit right with Projector either. “Don’t you start to try and seduce me, you impish little filly. You know every well how I take to that.”
Angel giggled again. “Oh, you say that now, but a week ago you—”
“Alright, we’re heading out!” Jeremy said from the front of the crowd. “WE don’t have too much time before our ‘got lost’ excuse becomes too unbelievable. Let’s go, let’s go.” Giving out his order Jeremy walked out of the alley, the rest of the group beginning to follow after him.
“—When you were peeking at my flanks, let’s go Orfeo~ sweetie!” Angel took Orfeo’s hand in her mouth and began dragging the man away, Orfeo chuckling and Projector shaking his head in what looked to be disappointment.
“Girl needs a bit of shame and humility, but those are complains for another time. He should follow after, Mr. Glenn. We don’t want to fall too far behind, now do we?”
My heart was beating heavily in my chest and my breathing was louder than I had wanted it to be. The cool night air chilled the tips of my hot fingers as anticipation and the beginning of adrenaline circulated through my body. I wasn’t calm, there was no way that I could be calm. My stomach lurched a few times and I could feel the urge to bile heavy in my throat, I was completely terrified and my eyes were squeezed together as I tried to block it out with little success.
I tried to swallow, but the barren desert I called a mouth held no saliva that could be taken, instead my tongue pressed itself against the roof of my mouth, nearly making me gag out loud. Instead, I pressed my hand against my mouth and sucked in deep breaths through my nose; I had to calm down just a little bit, even if just a tiny bit so that I could at least pull this off without landing myself in the royal dungeon for the rest of my life.
“Hey,” I opened my eyes and jerked back, letting out a muffled bark of surprise into my hand. Angel Charm was right in front of my face—not even an inch away. “Are you okay? You look like you’re having a rough time.”
“I-I’m,” I grimaced as my voice sounded a bit rough from the dryness in my throat. “I’m fine. Just a little nervous.” Who wouldn’t be in a situation like this?
Apparently Angel Charm was one of those ponies who didn’t get nervous in situations like this. “Aw, why are you nervous? We’re just stealing a crown from the most powerful pony in all of Equestria! Her magic spells can total cities and make everything ash! Nothing scary about that!” She giggled and patted my shoulder. “Besides, if we do get caught, the worst that will happen is a trial by fire and we’ll get thrown into the dungeon with little to no remorse.”
Well wasn't that just the most encouraging thing I'd ever heard? Just filled up the old body with hope and vigor didn’t it?
To my relief, Projector stepped into the conversation. “I believe any sensible pony—or human for that matter—would be extremely nervous at this point, Angel. We are about to undertake a very dangerous ploy that could end our lives as we know them. Glenn, old chap, I think you are quite founded in your worries and Angel Charm is insane for finding nothing nerve-wracking about this event.”
It was strange to be backed by a pony; not in a normal sense, but just to me. On one hand, I wasn’t too fond of them and they were a species that I didn’t trust as far as I could throw them, but on the other I was actually relieved that I was being backed by a pony—it showed that they had the capacity to be something other than just happy, bubbly multi-colored equines that backstabbed people—but it also wasn’t going to change my opinion of them.
“In any event, we should spend our remaining time reviewing what our role in this raid will be, agreed?” Both Angel and Orfeo nodded while I merely entertained Projector with a glance towards him and focused back to where our little group was.
True to Jeremy’s plan, my group; consisting of Projector, Angel Charm, Orfeo and myself were stationed at the very back of the royal palace, right where the high wall protecting the castle turned into an ordinate golden barred gate-like fence—far higher than any other fence I had seen in my life. The bars of the fence itself were extremely close together and warped in such a way as to make scenes of ponies in various poses of both grace and nobility. It was pretty showy, to say the least—maybe a little presumptuous, but since royalty lived behind this very fence, it wasn’t much of a surprise to see how ordinate everything was. And the way it was designed, it would be damn near impossible to break through it—except for the face that Jeremy had been taking extra care into this part of the plan.
For the past three weeks while out on patrol, Watchdog had been coating certain parts of the fence with a magic corrosive that slowly weakened metal without changing its color, luster, or thickness. It simply made the metal wimpier than it actually was. I had no idea how it all worked since magic itself was, quite literally, a foreign concept to me—it was apparently like a science, but not like science at all. That part itself confounded me, but thanks to Watchdog’s dutiful coating of corrosive, the metal of one of the scenes on the gate—big enough for both human and pony to squeeze through—was now as fragile as rice paper, all we had to do was push past the metal and we were in.
“First, we must wait until the first of the fireworks are ignited on the other side of the palace. Once it lights up the sky, Orfeo will open the gate for the three of us and we will dash into those bushes there.” Projector pointed to a large group of bushes that were only a few feet in front of us. “Once we make it there, we have to noiselessly traipse through the garden until we reach the servant’s entrance to the palace’s tour route—straight head and slightly to the left of our current path. We’ll be meeting up with the second infiltration team—goodness, that sounds official doesn’t it?—and go in at the same time.”
“Gotcha,” Angel Charm said quietly, poking Orfeo with her hoof, making the man make a noise of agreement. I offered no agreement as I stared straight at the fence. Were there going to be any passing guards? How did we know that they were going to be drawn out effectively? That was what was worrying me. I didn’t want to get caught with my pants around my ankles. I had to keep most of my focus on the garden and the potential chance that guards could come by and see us.
“Once we are in the interior of the castle, our two groups will split up—our team taking a longer route to reach the vault that houses the crowns, while the second team will take the more direct route and hopefully draw the attention of any guards that will patrol the area away from us. When we reach the vault, our boy Glenn will use Celestia’s magic to open the vault, we will take the crowns and replace them with the counterfeits that Orfeo has in his possession and then leave as quickly as we can, avoiding any confrontation with the guards, if possible.”
That’s right. Avoid any confrontation. But what would the plan amount to if we were to get caught? I swallowed as I felt the weight of the stun gun Jeremy had forced on my in my pant pocket. If things went south, would I have to use it? I really didn’t like that idea. But…if it was necessary, I couldn’t hesitate. But if I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t be in danger of using it. There were to many contrasting pros and cons to be holding onto this stun gun. Maybe I should just drop it?
A red glow filled the sky and a harsh popping sound lit up the sky and brought me back into focus. I stared up at the sky to see the dying sparks of a bottle rocket falling from the sky.
“Time to begin!” Projector hissed in caution.
Orfeo was on the ball. He walked over to the weakened spot in the fence, a large pegasus pushing cloud, and pushed against the chunk of metal that would make our opening. The metal broke off from the rest of the gate and Orfeo slowly lowered it to the ground. “Ffff. It is still heavy,” He chuckled lowly and the metal made a small clanking sound as he dropped it into the grass covered ground of the garden.
The first of us to jump through the hole was Angel Charm, whose hooves made a soft clinking sound as she landed on the metal. Projector followed after, climbing through carefully rather than jumping into the hole, he placed his hooves on the grassy parts around the metal. Orfeo and I followed after, both of us ducking down to avoid the pointed edges of the metal that hadn’t been weakened by Watchdog’s concoction.
Projector and Angel Charm were the first ones to reach the bushes and crouch down behind them; Projector motioning to Orfeo and me to quickly follow. “Make haste. A handful guards passed a tree not too far from our location.” I didn’t need any more motivation than that. I crawled forward on my hands and knees while Orfeo did an odd shuffle that looked like he was running while kneeling. “…and it seems like the area is vacated for now. Let’s keep going. Slowly.” Projector rounded the bushes and began to crawl around on the floor, his body low, but his legs bending and moving—it looked like he was skittering like a spider.
The rest of us followed after, keeping our bodies low and moving as quickly as we could while keeping quiet. Fireworks exploded in different parts of the air every so often, lighting up the sky briefly with different colored lights, the foliage in the garden—the trees, bushes, what have you—being dyed in the same colors in the air and allowing us to see a little more clearly in the light of a gibbous moon.
Whenever one of use heard a suspicious sound, we’d all stop and try to make ourselves look as unexposed as we could; moving into bushes, pressing against trees, whatever we thought would keep our group from getting caught. For the most part, they were false scares and we continued with our trek through the large garden—which was more like a manicured forest than an actual garden, I can to realize as we begun to move for the umpteenth time. However, twice, a trio of guards rushed past our hiding places, heading towards the location of a just recently lit firework. Those times, the entire group stayed in position for more than just a few seconds before continuing on.
As fate would have it, though, we actually didn’t encounter any form of trouble on the way to the servant’s entrance. The bush and the trees in the area hid us well from anyone and thanks to our caution we didn’t run into any guards. Step one was done.
“Hey,” came a hushed greeting to our side. Projector fell into an aggressive stance, his horn lighting up with magic—Angel on the other hand hopped behind Orfeo who looked like he was ready to rip someone a new one. My own hand slid over to where I had hidden the stun gun. Shit. Was I really going to be forced to use this this early into the theft?
“Whoa, woha! It’s just us.” A man appeared from some of the bushes, closely followed by three other individuals; it looked like team two was in the clear as well. Of course, if they hadn’t made it, I wondered how long we would have waited for them in this spot until they had shown up. I would say until we got caught, since it seemed like Projector liked to follow everything to the last letter. “WE had no difficulties getting this far. You guys run into anything?”
Projector shook his head. “No, nothing happened to us. We nearly had a run in with a few guards, but we had enough snuff to not let that bother us.” He should really only speak for himself. Whenever any of the guards had passed by I almost panicked. I really didn’t want to get caught. “But nothing other than that. Let’s continue, it seems as though they are starting to use the firecrackers instead of rockets.”
Sure enough the crackling/popping sound of firecrackers began to fill the air as Projector opened up the servant’s entrance and all eight of us slipped into the hallways, silently closing the door behind us.
The inside of the castle was, without a doubt, impressive. It looked like the interior had been completely constructed out of marble—in fact the who Palace, even from the outside, looked like it had been made from the precious material, even the pillars that lined the halls themselves were made of the stone. It added a sense of elegance to the area and the high ceiling made me feel all too exposed. “Aaron, you go that way,” Angel Charm said to the leader of the second group pointing her food down the right of the hallway. “We go this way! Good luck!”
The man nodded. “Yeah, good luck to you guys too. We go one shot at this, so don’t screw up.”
Projector sniffed. “I could say the same to you.”
Orfeo laughed quietly. “It will be better if all of us do what we have to do. But we must go. We cannot waste time.”
“Right you are,” Projector said briskly, glancing over at me. “Are you alright, Glenn? Did you get hurt or anything such thing while we were skulking through the garden?” Oh, come on. I didn’t want this guy to worry about me.
Instead of giving him a direct and answer, I walked past Projector. “Let’s just go. The sooner we get this over with, the less of a risk we’ll take to get caught.”
The hallways was empty—just as Jeremy’s plan had predicted. It seemed like the idea to draw out the guards by way of fireworks was actually not a bad plan. It had worked out thus far. If it kept going this smoothly, I wouldn’t have to even think about using the stun gun. And if this went off without a hitch and we wrapped it up quickly, I would be out of debt and out of Jeremy’s life for good. I wouldn’t have to deal with him and his ‘do anything at any cost’ attitude anymore. And I wouldn’t fall into any more of his schemes or get bothered by his idiot ideas or hear how he had scored the night before…yeah. None if that.
Even though Jeremy had been my most trusted friend since I had first entered high school, that had been about twelve year ago, he had just proven himself to be unworthy to be my friend—in fact that kind of attitude constituted against him having any sort of friend.
What kind of civil person would go and tell someone that they would have their home taken away from them in exchange for helping them steal something? I mean, wasn’t it fine to do it yourself but not to drag other people into things like this with you? At the very least it would be common courtesy to actually allow someone to back out—just like he had let Trevor go! Crap, I should have threatened to hurt a pony if he didn’t allow me to have a clean back-out.
I winced internally. Well, hell. That would have been a great way to get out of this entire mess. How could it have been that I had thought of that idea just at that moment? It didn’t seem right. My brain should have been sharper! More on the ball. Man, had I been able to use that as a threat I wonder ho—“Stop!” Hissed Orfeo softly, stopping his walking just before he was about to turn the corner.
My face crashed into his back and a small stinging pain filled my nose as it was crushed into his back. “Ow! What the he—” Orfeo held up a hand to silence me. He glanced at me and motioned me to move forward a little. I glanced with a quizzical look and moved forward, peeking around the corner—and froze entirely. Not a yard in front of us, a Palace guard stood with his back towards us. Oh. No. “Crap.” I moved back and glanced at Orfeo and Projector. “What do we do? There’s a guard right there.”
A musing look crossed Projector’s face. “I would say that one of us would have to distract him and lead him away. Now, the question is, who should go? Maybe…Orfeo? No, he’s a human it would seem a little suspicious since this hallway is empty. Hmm. I could lead him away with an illusion of myself and—”
“Hello, Sir guard,” Angel Charm’s voice came from around the corner. Wait. How had she just passed Orfeo, Projector, and I? I froze in surprise, but then peeked around the corner carefully to see Angel Charm talking to the guard that had been facing away from us—who was now looking straight at Angel Charm who was just a few inches from the corner. I jerked my head back as I caught the guard’s eye flick towards my location. “Um, can you please, please, please help little ol’ me out a little bit? I was with the night tour and got separated.”
“Ma’am?” There was confusion in the guard’s voice. “The tour ended fifteen minutes. Shouldn’t another guard have helped you already—”
“Well, I was going to get help, but then fireworks went off and the guards ran off without me. All I wanted was a little help and they just ran off. I’ve been wandering around for a little while. Can you please help me?” That alluring quality of Angel Charm’s voice tugged at me again, making me believe her words against my will. I had seen her actions. She had gone and snuck in and helped plan out a bit of the heist as well, she was anything but innocent. But something about her tone of voice just compelled me to believe her.
And I wasn’t the only one who was affected. “I-I, guess so. But ma’am, how did you get lost? The tour is very specific and everywhere the tour doesn’t go is roped o—oh…” The guard’s words were ended in a soft sound.
What was that about? I glanced past the corner to see Angel Charm slide her tail under the guard’s chin and then rest it over his eyes. “Mm, if you don’t really talk about it, I’d be much more appreciative about all this. I might even let you see what’s under my tail, or maybe I’ll do a little more than that, Mr. Big and Strong guard~.” Angel Charm’s voice turned husky, a sensual form of allure mixing into her already enchanting voice. She looked begin her and gave me a little wink, a barely noticeable glow of magic around her horn.
Under her tail? I swallowed in excitement and glanced towards the spot she was talking about—I jerked my head back around the corner and closed my eyes shut. What the hell was I thinking? I literally almost looked at what Angel Charm had been referring to. Why did I even think about looking there?
Oh. Her horn. She was using some sort of charm magic? Maybe? That could definitely add some allure to anything. And coupled with her already compelling self…it was a killer combo.
The guard sputtered a little before returning back to normal words. “I-I don’t think that’s appropriate, ma’am. I really have to ask about this. It’s just normal procedure you see and—” That didn’t work quite as well as she had thought. A sour looked crossed Angel Charms face as I looked back and she motion towards my area with her hind hoof. Oh she was a sore loser.
“Orfeo, Honey-bunny. It’s okay to come out from behind the corner, this nice guard here said he would help us leave—especially since those bad, bad fireworks started scaring all the other guards.
Orfeo? I glanced up to see the dark skinned man smile and shake his head. He patted my shoulder twice and placed a cloth sack next to me. The fake crowns. He gave me a wink and left his hiding spot. “Really? That would be of much help us a lot. Thank you, sir.” Orfeo walked over to Angel Charm and placed a hand on top of her head.
The guard looked astounded when Angel let her tail drop from the stallion’s face and the equine guard stared up at Orfeo in wonder. “See? This is kind of why I went off the, um, tour path. I just wanted to spend some personal time with my coltfriend.” She leaned in and gave the stallion a pouty face. “Is that so bad? Besides…if I’m not really what you’re looking for, I’m sure Orfeo can scratch any other itch you may have; right, Honey-bunny?”
Oh. No. No. No. Just no. I flopped away from the corner and glanced at Projector with a look of ‘god why’. Funny thing was, Projector had the same kind of look on his face. I had a feeling that if I wasn’t too adverse to ponies, Projector and I would get along famously. It wasn’t that I was opposed to gay couples or anything, but this just seemed a little too odd for the kind of situation we were both in—even more the fact that it was Angel Charm offering her boyfriend to sex up a male pony. And there wasn’t even an objection on Orfeo’s part.
There was a moment of silence and I sat there, slumped against the wall until the guard spoke up again. “…maybe if…we could arrange something with the both of you…” I slumped further against eh wall and fought back against a groan. That was great. Just perfect. Yup. We just charmed a guard away with a three-some. Perfect. I felt proud of our accomplishments thus far.
Raunchy tactics aside, it had worked and the sound of Angel Charm enthusiastically chatting up the guard faded down the hallways and we were back to silence. “That. That is certainly one way at keeping the guards away,” Projector said stepping around the corner and breathing a sigh of relief. “With all the appreciation I can give to Angel, her tactics are far too uncouth at times. And a bit too—how should I say this?—bawdy.” He glanced over at me. “Do you have the crowns?” I held up the sack. “Good. Let us continue to move forward. We are nearly to the vault.”
Sighing, I pushed myself off the wall and followed after Projector.
I didn’t know if it was actually thanks to Orfeo and Angel Charm, but the rest of the way to the vault had been clear of any other run ins with the guards. The sounds of the firecrackers outside had begun to fade and I was sure that Jeremy and the others had exhausted their supplies. Projector and I had held our silence. Partly because we didn’t want to fudge up anything and get caught and partly because I didn’t want to talk to Projector any more than I had too. I followed after the yellow pony, since he knew where we had to go, and stopped as he peered down an opening in the hallway.
“Bollocks.”
Hearing the pony curse after having him speak formally and gently stirred a feeling of uneasy in my stomach. “What’s up?”
With a look of bad news written all over his face, Projector looked over his shoulder and up at me. “We’ve reached the vault.” I raised an eyebrow. Wasn’t that a good thing? “But there are two guards at the vault.” Oh. Yeah, that was bad news. He closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them with a look of determination. “But don’t fret. I have a plan. I have prepared something just in case something like this happened. Go hide yourself behind that pillar there and when you hear the guards chase after me, come out and pilfer the Crowns, understood?” I glanced over to the pillar and nodded.
“Yeah.”
“Good,” Projector turned about-face and walked into the gap in the passage. I hid behind the pillar Projector had pointed at and settled myself to get to the vault as soon as the coast was clear—but then nearly crapped my pants a hideous roar pierced the hall. What the fu—?
Projector ran past my pillar a few seconds, the two guards he had mentioned following fast on his heels. They cleared the hallway in a few mere seconds.
Surprise still in my body, I blinked after the three ponies that had passed by. Wow. What the hell had that been? I swallowed and stepped from out behind the pillar. That was something else. I could sit there and ponder what Projector had exactly done in order to get the guards to follow after him and what the source of that roar had been but I had to get the crowns, fast. I darted into the opening in the hall to see a smaller hall leading to a set of purple double doors, surrounded by a golden frame embedded with gems.
That had to be the vault.
I wasted no time in getting to the vault and pulling out the vial in my hand. Now, how was I supposed to use this again? I studied the door, looking over the purple material that was used and the sun symbol that was on the door. “Oh, wait,” I mumbled, looking at the middle of the door, a hole right smack-dab in the middle of the sun. Right. I remembered.
I popped cork off of the vial and slipped the vial into the hole. The magic inside the plastic case disappeared as it seemed to be pouring into the door. For a moment, nothing happened—the door stayed as it was and I could feel a cold dread settle in my stomach. I had gotten this far for nothing.
But, slowly a blue glow emerged from behind the door and it split in half, sliding into the frames. “Yes!” I said in triumph. I hadn’t wanted any port of this whole fiasco and I still didn’t, but there was something satisfying about reach a goal, even if it wasn’t one you decided for yourself.
Now I had to get the crowns.
The crowns themselves were on four different little cushions held up on pedestals. They had a gleaming luster and looked completely different from the counterfeits that I pulled out of the cloth bag Orfeo had left me. “Bad replicas,” I sighed, switching out the crowns for their unworthy replacements. I quickly pulled the two halves of the door from the frame and closed them other before turning around ready to leave.
“Hey, Kite, Cherry, what the buck was that sound that I heard coming from over he—” The guard that had just rounded the corner stopped talking and looked at me, who was holding onto a cloth sack, near the crown vault, wearing a grin of victory on my face.
Oh.
Hell.
No.
The smile dropped from my face and my hand dropped to my pocket where I was keeping the stun gun. It seemed like this was going to be when I used it.
More than getting caught, I was pissed that Jeremy had been right about me needing it.
“THIEF!” The guard yelled out at the top of his lungs, pulling out a whistle out of apparently nowhere and blowing into it, a shrill sound piercing the air.
I wasn’t just going to sit there. “Crap!” I ran forward, taking out the stun gun from my pocket and basically rushing at the Guard, ready to hit him the business end of the stun gun and then get the hell out of there as fast as I could.
No dice. The moment I reached the guard, two more pegasus guards flew in from opposite sides if the hall. “Are you joking?” My jaw dropped the moment they appeared. Where had they been hiding? How the hell did they get here so fast? That just didn’t make any sense!
The stone floor that had felt too cold earlier now felt just right against me skin. Either my body had gotten accustomed to the coolness of it, or the floor had sucked out my warmth. Either way, it was lose-lose. “Right,” I sighed, done remembering why I had gone and gotten myself into this situation.
It hadn’t been my fault at all. I had been suckered into it.
“Don’t mumble!” One of the guards pinning my down snapped, digging a hoof into my back.
“Salvo!” I heard the Princess say in a stern voice. “Do not harm him. While he did steal something very precious to the royal family, that doesn’t grant you the right to harm him. Now, apologize.”
The guy above me gritted his teeth so hard I could hear the groan of his teeth above me. “I’m sorry…human.” There wasn’t much sincerity in his voice, but the Princess didn’t seem to mind as she didn’t rebuke him or anything.
For the past couple of minutes since Celestia had appeared, I had been merely lying face down, reminiscing about my misfortune while basically ignoring any questions that the guard and Celestia had been asking me.
If I didn’t answer anything they couldn’t do too much, right? I mean they had evidence of what I did, but I had my rights, right? Of did pleading the fifth only apply to the United States? I never really looked over the judicial part of pony law.
A fast clip-clop of running hooves came from down the hall a distance before making it way over where Celestia was in front of me
“Princess. We have caught a group of humans that were lighting up fireworks outside of the Castle. They began lighting them just a few minutes before this man here tried to make off with the crowns. We have reason to believe that they had a part to play in this as well—we have also found that two portions of the garden’s gold gate have been ripped from the gate itself, via magical corrosives.
However, the humans refuse to say much and only a single male is answering out questions, acting as a representative. His name is Jeremy Ruark.” Jeremy?
Well, actually I shouldn’t have been so surprised that he and the others had been caught. Jeremy himself did say that it was a big risk to be the ones lighting up the fireworks. Using them would be a dead giveaway and who knew how many guards they attracted because of it. I felt a little for the people that had gone along with Jeremy’s plan and had gotten caught as well. Yes, they had one along with his plan and decided to help Jeremy—but Jeremy was a convincing bastard and could potentially get anyone to help his cause, even if he had to make a villain out of himself.
I mean, just take a look at what happened with me.
I lifted my head off the floor, trying to gauge the situation, and looked up at Princess Celestia. She was giving an older-looking guard with a scar on his cheek a curious stare. “Sergeant Ratchet. Did these human give an explanation as to why they were lighting fireworks around the palace?”
“Yes, Ma’am. They said that it was in your honor; for allowing them to be honorary citizens in your lands. They wanted to surprise you. Or so they say.” He snorted. “I personally don’t believe them, but they don’t admit to anything else.”
So they were playing the stupid card as well—or rather they were pulling some brown-nosing. Yeah, getting out of a situation with flattery was definitely Jeremy’s style. Butter someone up and get away Scott-free. I let out a small snort. Yeah. Whatever.
“Bring them here.” Celestia said, her voice calmly quiet. “I would like to question them personally. Is the group purely human, or are there ponies as well?”
“No ponies, your highness. Only humans. However, we can’t rule out that a pony could have helped in this attempt. I will go retrieve the humans and return as quickly as I can.” Ratchet bowed low and turned around, jogging down the hall.
Celestia then looked to her guards. “Please let the human rise, there is no need to keep him on the ground like a beast. He deserves at least the right to remain standing.” She looked down at me and smiled warmly. “Please don’t hold any grudges against my guards, they are only doing what they believe to be the most just course of action to protect me and anything that may be in this castle.” Oh, that’s nice. Apologize for them, please. It’s not like they couldn’t apologize to me themselves or anything, right? No, no. Not at all.
One of the guards shifted his weight, more of his mass pressing down on me squishing my stomach to a dangerous level. If this colt didn’t watch it, my cider and early dinner would be all over the floor. “But Princess, we don’t know what this man may attempt once we let him go. He had one of those human electric-shocking devices. That is a weapon. For all we know, he could be hiding another. It would be wiser to—”
“Private Sun Dome, are you suggesting that I cannot protect myself? That someone who has lives as long as I have cannot protect themselves from a single threat.”
An awkward silence filled the void as the second guard let out a low, “Duuuuuude.” You said it. It did sound like the first guard was actually second-guessing his ruler. In a way, that felt a little refreshing. See? Sometimes trying to be considerate was a pain in someone else’s ass.
“A-ah, no! Not at all! I was just—I mean, I don’t want the human to—I never thought that you couldn’t—“
Celestia reached out with a hoof, passing my field of vision and moved it slowly. “It’s fine, my little pony. Now, please. Allow this human to stand up, please.” And all was forgiven. Right. I forgot that the sun princess was rumored to be a bleeding heart. Sheesh.
All three (god, I really hoped it was three) hooves on my back got off and stopped applying that horrid, horrid weight that I thought was going to pop me like a balloon any time the guards decided to press on my back. “Oh, sweet Jesus,” I groaned in relief, standing up from the ground and stretching my back. I felt a crack and a satisfying pain shoot up my spine. Yeah, I needed that. I was never the kind who slept on their belly. “Took you long enough to tell them to get off of me.” I sighed, looking at Celestia in the eye.
At this point, it was good to feign confidence, even though I felt like I was completely screwed.
“I apologize, that must not have been comfortable,” Celestia smiled in turn, not even responding to my extremely familiar and dismissive way of talking.
Oh, she was good.
Trying to continue my confident demeanor, I smiled. “It wasn’t.”
Celestia’s warm, motherly smile never left her lips and she nodded. “I see, now. I have one question for you, Glenn Holmquist, I hope that you will answer me this time.” I blanched, losing my confident façade. She knew my name? How the hell did she know my name? For some reason, the smile on Celestia’s lips grew a little more playful, visibly.
“Would you kindly mind telling me what you were hoping to accomplish by stealing the royal crowns? I wish to hear what you have to say.”
