No Good Answers
NO GOOD ANSWERS
Luna looked up in annoyance from the book she was perusing when she heard the knock on her study door. She frowned. The servants had better have a good reason for interfering with her personal time. She thought she had made it clear to them she was not to be disturbed for anything short of a national emergency. “Enter,” she called out.
The door opened and she was surprised when rather than a steward or messenger, Princess Celestia strode in and closed the door behind her with a quiet click. “I apologize for the interruption, sister. I know you cherish this time to yourself, but something’s come up and I wanted to let you know as quickly as possible. Moreover, I wanted to make sure you received it directly from the source.”
Luna’s mind raced as she considered what might possibly be so important that her sister would feel the need to take such precautions. “Is everything well?”
“Frankly, no,” replied Celestia. The reply, as well as the way her sister seemed so uncharacteristically fidgety and uncomfortable, only piqued her curiosity further. “It’s about Twilight.”
At the mention of Twilight’s name Luna was on her hooves in an instant, her reading forgotten. “What? What happened? Is she hurt? Is she sick? Where is she?”
“No, Luna it’s... she’s right outside, and she’s not hurt. Well, not physically anyway. I invited her to Canterlot because I wanted to speak to her about her romantic life. It's not that I disapprove, but it’s just that she’s a fully grown mare and she’s never expressed any interest in love or relationships.”
Luna rolled her eyes and settled back down on the thick purple carpeting. “Come now, sister. Some ponies simply do not take an interest in such things. There’s no reason to treat them as freaks or misfits simply for exhibiting asexual behavior.”
Celestia held up a hoof to stop her. “I agree entirely, provided they themselves are comfortable with the decision. I never pressed Twilight on the matter before. Perhaps if I had...” Celestia was lost in her thoughts for a moment before she shook her head and resumed speaking, “...well, there will be time for regrets later. That’s all I’ll say for the moment, Twilight asked to tell you the rest herself, and I think it’s a good idea for her to do so. May I show her in?”
Luna nodded, still at a loss, and Celestia opened the door to wave Twilight into the room. The two Princesses towered over the little unicorn; perhaps that was why she seemed so diminished as she trotted inside with her head hung low. When she finally looked up at Luna, she saw that Twilight’s eyes were red and bloodshot. “Twilight, have you been crying?”
Twilight gave a sad little laugh. “I don’t think I’ve been doing much of anything else since Princess Celestia and I finished talking yesterday. I’m sorry, Princess, I should have told you sooner. It was just... it was too hard to think about and I thought I had it under control.”
“It’s fine, Twilight,” said Celestia as Twilight started to sniffle again. She held out a foreleg and Twilight rushed over to bury her face in Celestia’s coat. Her back heaved as she shook with quiet, raspy sobs. Luna looked up to meet her sister’s gaze, her eyes wide with alarm. Celestia just shook her head, casting her gaze out over the mahogany desk, the dark velvet curtains, anywhere but towards her sister's accusing glances. “Twilight, take all the time you need. If it’s too hard for you to talk about right now-”
“No. I want to,” said Twilight, catching her breath. She looked up to Luna and opened her mouth, but no sound came out and she closed it again.
“Come, sit with me and gather your thoughts,” said Luna. She spread a wing and Twilight gratefully slid underneath it. With the downy feathers draped over her back, she grew still. The room fell silent other than the quiet ticking of a grandfather clock against the wall.
“I was raped.”
With those words Luna’s world fell away. For a moment, she couldn’t hear anything except the blood pounding in her ears. Raped? Twilight? Impossible. She’d have vaporized anyone or anything that tried.
“It was a long time ago, back at the Academy,” continued Twilight once Luna could hear again. “I was thirteen, and I was, well, I heard what the other fillies talked about in the lunchroom. Colts and... doing things with them.”
“At thirteen? Truly?” asked Luna.
“It’s mostly just talk,” Celestia cut in, “fillies who want to impress their friends and seem grown up and mature before their time. The instructors do what they can to discourage it, but there’s only so much they can do.”
“Yeah, I guess now I know that. Back then though, it felt like I was the only one who wasn’t doing it. And I... I mean I was just starting to go through all these new changes. Noticing colts and how funny they made me feel inside. The books tell you how puberty alters your body, but they can’t convey how intense it gets sometimes,” said Twilight. “So one night I somehow managed to hear about a party. I hadn’t been to a party in months. Some of the older ponies there were drinking, but I only had punch. All the noise, and the music, and I was nervous about even being there and I got lightheaded. Then there was this one colt...”
Celestia reached out to stroke Twilight’s mane, and a look passed between them as well as an almost imperceptible shake of Celestia’s head.
“So... this colt...” said Twilight. It didn’t escape Luna’s notice that she was avoiding using a name. “He was about my age and pretty cute. He asked me to dance. I even let him kiss me. It was all so exciting! I felt like such a grown up! So I let him take me into a bedroom. I was so sure I was ready, but then when we got there and he actually put me down on the bed, I got cold hooves. It was happening too fast. I didn’t want my first time to just be with some random pony I barely even knew.”
“And you told him this?” asked Luna.
At the question, Twilight started to hiccup and sob again. Luna just brushed her back with her wing until she calmed down enough to continue. “I froze up. I didn’t say anything. Then he got on top of me and I tried to push him away, but he was too heavy. If I’d just said no, maybe he would have stopped. I think... I think it’s my fault that-”
“No,” said Celestia in a calm and definitive tone. “What he did to you was not your fault, Twilight. Especially if he didn’t make sure you were fine with what was happening. It’s true that you could have asserted yourself more forcefully, but that doesn’t absolve him of the guilt for forcing himself on you against your wishes. At all.”
“I guess...” said Twilight, not really sounding convinced. “He got on top of me and then he... he... I’m sorry Princess, would you mind if I skipped this part?”
“Of course not, tell me as much or as little as you are comfortable with,” replied Luna.
“It hurt,” squeaked Twilight. “All the other fillies and mares said it felt good. Why did it hurt so much? I just looked up past him at the ceiling. I tried to block it out. Some of the tiles in the ceilings were different colors. I looked for patterns in them. I just... I just wanted it be over quickly, but he couldn’t.... um, he couldn’t...” Twilight blushed, “...stay up?”
Under other circumstances Luna might have laughed, but she feared what effect that might have on the vulnerable little mare seated with her. Instead she just gave Twilight a little nuzzle.
“I don’t think he liked that. Maybe he didn’t know what he was doing either? But I made it worse. My mind was wandering and, well, I thought of a funny joke. Just out of nowhere, a joke I’d read the day before. I laughed, and I think he thought I was laughing at him. He... he hit me.”
Luna stiffened. “He did what?” she asked in a flat, icy voice. The room suddenly felt very calm and still, but glancing at Celestia made Luna certain that her sister was picking up the little signs of her rage building up beneath the placid facade.
“He said... He said it was my fault he couldn’t, because I was a disgusting, ugly little whore and no colt would ever... would ever....” at that Twilight could finally go no further and grabbed Luna, wrapping her forelegs as tightly around her as she could. Between sobs, she managed to get out little fragments of words. “I thought... if he was right... if Celestia found out... that I was broken... she wouldn’t... she wouldn’t want me... anymore. So I... I never told... I just... I pretended that... that the ugly part of me... the part that got me into that...”
“There is no part of you that is ugly, Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna, looking up at the ceiling as her own tears began to flow. “You are beautiful. You are noble. You are delightful. You are amazing in every single way a mare can be.” Luna lifted Twilight’s chin up to stare into her eyes. “That this happened to you changes none of that. It is not a part of you. It does not make you dirty, or unlovable. Nothing ever could.”
Twilight nodded, but Luna wasn’t sure she really believed it.
The three ponies sat in silence for a long time, until Celestia placed a hoof on Twilight’s back. “Twilight, I need to speak to my sister for a minute, in private. Why don’t you go lie down in your room? I’ll be right up.”
“I’m still... oh, Princess, how am I going to tell my parents? What if they-”
Celestia cut Twilight off before her mind could reach the worst case scenario. “I am confident they will be nothing but loving and understanding, but I will be with you for that as well. Now go, I’ll be up in a minute.” She gently kissed her forehead and Twilight wiped the snot and tears from her face.
“Okay, Princess. I am pretty exhausted.” Luna gave her one more tight hug before letting her go, and Twilight opened the door to the chamber and walked away. Celestia’s horn glowed as she reinforced the soundproofing spell on the room as the door closed again.
"She has a long road ahead of her, but I think that she'll make it. Don't you?" asked Celestia
Luna ignored the question. She had more immediate concerns pressing on her mind. “Celestia. His name.”
“Why?”
“You know exactly why. Perhaps I will be merciful and stop after castrating him with my horn and some light mutilation, but somehow I doubt it.”
“I won’t let you do that, Luna.”
“WHAT? You would deny Twilight justice for... for that?”
“I would deny you vengeance. There’s a difference.”
Luna roared, and flung the book she had been reading across the room. The ancient binding gave out and pages exploded outwards, drifting onto every surface like so many snowflakes. “Then what do you propose as a substitute?”
Celestia sighed and rubbed the base of her horn with a hoof. “Sister, this is going to be one of those conversations that ends with you being very, very upset with me.”
“Likely! It is a conversation that began that way! How are you not filled with rage after what Twilight just told us? At the very least send out the guard and arrest the bastard,” shouted Luna.
“And then what?” asked Celestia.
“Are you daft? Prosecute him! For rape and assault!” screamed Luna
“How do you propose I do that, hmmm?” snapped Celestia. “Putting aside the statute of limitations for the time being, do you suggest I prosecute him as a thirteen-year-old colt, as he was when the crime was committed? Or as the grown stallion he is now?”
“That depends. Which will lead to him suffering more?” asked Luna.
“Equestria has laws. He would be entitled to a trial, and he would most likely win it. It happened well over a decade ago, and we have no actual evidence. It would come down to his word against hers.”
Luna gaped at her sister. “Surely you cannot be saying you believe Twilight to be lying.”
“Of course not,” replied Celestia. “A trial requires a higher standard of proof than that, however.”
“Then buck the law! Pull some strings! Call in favors! Assure a guilty verdict! Whatever it takes.”
Celestia gave her a wry look. “I wasn’t aware we had become tyrants and instituted a second set of laws and standards for those who we favor.”
“It isn’t tyranny! It’s the right thing to do!”
“As if those two things were mutually exclusive.”
Luna sat in place, silently glaring at her sister. There had to be another angle to approach this from. “It’s a question of public safety. What if he does this again to other mares? Will you really be so cavalier with their safety?”
Celestia grimaced. “I investigated the stallion in question, naturally. He went on to graduate in the eightieth percentile of his class, and now works as a banker in a small credit union. He has a wife, and they’re expecting their first foal in a month. No criminal complaints against him.”
“He is a rapist! Who knows how many other mares like Twilight there are out there, afraid to come forward or who are living in denial?”
“I certainly don’t know, though inquiries are being made. Do you claim to know it’s more than zero? That this was more than a one time mistake committed by a stupid thirteen-year-old colt who knew no better? Certainly, if Twilight had come forward earlier, when there was evidence we could collect and witnesses who we might question, I would have acted.”
Luna wrinkled up her nose. “Yes. Clearly, it’s the rapist who deserves my sympathies for being so misunderstood. And, well, if inquiries are being made then surely there’s nothing to worry about and justice will be served. After all, it’s Twilight Sparkle’s fault that you don’t care she was-”
Celestia’s hoof lashed out, and the blow knocked Luna to the floor. “Don’t. You. Dare,” she growled. “Don’t you dare accuse me of not caring about Twilight. I have been by her side for the last day and a half since she told me what happened back then. You think I don’t appreciate how thoroughly I’ve failed her? It was a student at my Academy who did this to her. I made her so afraid of my disapproval she was afraid to tell me what had happened when it might have made more of a difference.”
Luna looked up from the ground. Traces of the coppery taste of blood were beginning to fill her mouth, and she spat a ball of saliva and phlegm to the floor not caring if she soiled the carpet. “Well, I’m sure you patting her on the head and telling her everything will be fine while you do all you can to prevent justice- not the law, actual justice- from being served is making her feel so much better.”
She expected more rage, but instead Celestia just crumbled before her eyes. She sank to her knees, covering her face and sobbing into the floor. “Luna?” she asked. Not as co-ruler of an empire, but as a sister. “Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me what the hole in my logic is. Tell me I missed something. Tell me that there’s something I can do, anything, that will make any of this right. There... there has to be. Please?” She stayed crumpled up on the floor like that until Luna took pity and laid herself down next to her sister.
“What if...” Luna began, “What if we arrested the stallion and put him on trial anyway? Not so we could win a conviction, but just so that that we could put his name out there as a sexual predator? Even the arrest, the suspicion of what he might do, it would be enough to wreck him. Rumors would spread. Those who know him would whisper their suspicions between one another. Innuendo would do what the law could not.”
Celestia shuddered. “Luna, that’s disgusting. Circumvent the entire purpose of the judiciary and just subject him to mob justice in the hopes that they’ll punish him in a fashion we can wash our hooves of?”
“But we are both certain that he is guilty, we just discovered it too late to prove it to a court of law. What can they do to him that he did not do to Twilight? He took so much from her. What if she hadn’t been afraid? Would she have found a special somepony? Would she herself be expecting a foal? He did so much worse than just giving her an awful night. He took a future from her that might have been.”
Celestia stayed silent for a long while, resting against Luna’s side. “...I’m not sure what it says about me that I would consider that.”
“Only that you love Twilight, I suspect,” assured Luna.
Celestia shook her head. “No.” She looked up at Luna’s glaring face. “Even if I were fine with the idea, I won’t put Twilight through a trial knowing the outcome would be that. She puts so much faith in rules and institutions. How do you think she would feel if a not guilty verdict came down against the stallion that did this to her? You heard how she talks about it. She already blames herself. Wrongly, but she does. Would you really go into a trial knowing that you’d be hurting her further just to get at the stallion who did it? Not to mention Twilight’s public image.”
“Twilight doesn’t care about her public image,” said Luna. “Besides, we could keep her anonymous in the public record. Nopony would ever have to know that she was involved at all.”
“It would leak. There are too many ponies who know who she is. Foalish ponies who would hurt her just to get at me. Who think that tearing her down would give them some miniscule advantage. Or who she snubbed years ago by refusing an invitation because she wanted to spend the night buried in a book instead of hobnobbing with...”
“Idiots?”
Celestia chuckled. “I was going to say ‘the nobility,’ but you’re closer to the truth. I’ve tried so hard to protect her from the politics and machinations of my court, but I could never protect her from this. She would be torn apart in the public eye, and a little asterisk added to her name. ‘Twilight Sparkle: Rape Victim and Multi-Time Savior of Equestria.’”
“Surely not in that order, though?” asked Luna. “Not after all she’s done, and has yet to do?”
“Hmph,” snorted Celestia as she shifted herself to have a better view of her sister’s face, “you clearly haven’t been back in Canterlot for long enough yet. It would shadow her for decades, every one of her actions brought under suspicion. It would define her, even though in the grand scheme of things, next to all she’s done, it’s barely worth a footnote. The only ponies who would benefit from such a trial would be the ponies who own the tabloids that would see a circulation boost from breathlessly reporting every development in the case, real or imagined.”
“So, we do nothing then? The guilty stallion goes free, Twilight suffers, and the rest of us pretend that nothing has happened? That’s what’s right?”
“No,” said Celestia, quietly. “That isn’t what’s right. But it’s all that’s left.” She sat up. “We don’t do nothing. We help Twilight heal and move past this. Perhaps even assist her in confronting her attacker sometime in the future. Twilight’s recovery is vastly more important to me than seeing the stallion punished, if I do indeed need to choose. But Luna...” Celestia turned to her with pleading eyes, “...if Twilight questions you in the coming days or weeks, I need you help me encourage her to move ahead. To put this behind her.”
Luna shook her head. “So just forgive and forget something so awful? I cannot tell her to do so in good faith.”
“Neither of those things. I don’t want to sweep this under the rug or pretend it never happened. But she deserves the chance to tell her family and friends at her own pace, and decide for herself what she wants it to mean in her life. If you can think of a better way than I’ve suggested, I eagerly await to hear it.”
Luna was silent for a long time. “...do you often feel this way? Omnipotent and impotent at the same time? We have all these organs of governance at our disposal, and we fear to use them to the fullest because we might need to use them to the fullest in the future.”
Celestia nuzzled her, and smiled through her tears. “Ah, I see you’re remembering what it is to be a Princess again. Doesn’t it suck?”
Luna couldn’t help but laugh, at last. “It does, sister. It does.” She fell quiet again. “What Twilight went through. It should never happen again.”
“I agree,” said Celestia. “Yet it will. Even if we did everything in our power to discourage and stop it, and the tradeoffs for doing so were worth it. It would happen somewhere, sometime anyway. Perhaps all we can do is hope that in the future it’s reported in a timely fashion, and that those who suffer such indignities are not so ashamed by what they underwent they remain silent.”
“That does not feel like a satisfactory answer,” Luna pointed out.
“It doesn’t. But I haven’t yet found a better one. What’s right doesn’t always feel satisfying and vice versa.”
The sisters snuggled up together, sharing their burden and their grief while the minutes ticked away. Luna opened her eyes. “Sister?” she asked.
“Hmmm?” replied Celestia, her eyes still closed and her face serene. It was the middle of the night and she was physically and emotionally exhausted as the last few days exacted their toll on her.
“What do you say we go put the fear of Us into a particular stallion? Let him know that we are watching, and that if he ever puts even a toe out of place, we will know, and we will be on him in an instant."
Celestia opened her eyes and looked over at Luna in a vaguely disapproving way. “That sound like an abuse of our power and authority over the ponies of Equestria, and the infliction of a personal vendetta on a pony who we can’t stick with any legal consequences for his actions.” Then the frown broke into a wide grin. “On the other hoof? I don't think ten minutes in private with the Royal Canterlot Voice would be too out of line. I'll lead the way.”