Tempest Shadow is a changed pony. The fall of the Storm King has shown her the power and magic of friendship. Now she is travelling the country spreading the news of the Storm King’s defeat and sharing what she learned about friendship.
So why does it feel like she failed?
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Hey first fic and I need something to light a fire under my rear to keep writing.
Pre-read and edited by EverfreePony.
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This is a great beginning to a serious Tempest Shadow story (as opposed to a Tempest-the-psychotic-loose-cannon-played-for-laughs kind of story -- there are way too many of those). Having written one of these myself, I'm really interested to see where you go with this, particularly since you seem willing to explore the what-if-she-won possibilities of the character.
It's well-written overall, and has nice use of color to unobtrusively flag flashback dialogue. A few of the later quotes from the movie aren't exactly right, but that probably only stands out for me because I've watched the movie enough times to notice. There are a few grammar glitches in the latter part of the chapter, but a quick edit pass would fix those.
If you'd like to bounce ideas for future chapters off me, by all means let me know. I've gotten to like Tempest Shadow as a character, and I'd be happy to help!
I have to say, you have piqued my interest. You work well with the pace and flow of the story and your descriptions create sufficient atmosphere while also leaving just enough space for the reader’s imagination. Shivers were running down my spine while reading the Oracle part and I’d say that in general, you have done very well on the characters; Tempest still being considerably bitter and lost in this new world.
The grammar and spelling were solid with a few slip-ups here and there, but nothing too obnoxious. I applaud you on getting the rules of direct speech and dialogue right—such a thing is rarely seen in first stories. The only thing that annoyed me were the coloured flashbacks/memories here and there, as their presence weakened my concentration a little bit. Just using italics for that purpose is enough, for if my memory serves me right, combining more than one unusual font/form of text is against the rules of typography. Also, it was always more or less clear who is speaking.
Anyway, I’m curious to see what the next chapters may bring!
Thanks for reading guys!
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Yeah I know some of the quotes might not be completely right, some of it is paraphrasing as I actually don't own the movie and might be miss remembering. Some more grammar issues in the later part make sense as I ran the first half by one of my friends, sat on that half for quite a bit, wrote up the rest when I hit a spark of motivation, sat on it again, then posted it simply so I could get more motivation. I'll certainly give it another look through.
I appreciate the offer of a sounding board, but that shouldn't be necessary. I've got a friend who bounces a ton of his ideas off of me and returns the favour from time to time. Gonna keep a few thing close to the chest for now.
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Well, I wasn't quite confident in my descriptions and prose, but this certainly reassures me. Glad to see Oracle strike a chord.
Yeah, I don't have much experience writing, but a ton with reading so I have a general idea of what I'm doing. I'll admit, the colours thing was sort of a last minute idea to add a bit more flavour. I'll take it under consideration, but I think I'll leave it as is for now.
Also, have some cover art!
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You’re welcome! As for reading more than writing, that’s actually not a bad thing, if you can learn from the work of others, that is. To be honest, I tend to run around less frequented stories on the site quite a lot and let me tell you, stories of people that just write and read almost nothing usually don’t come out too well.
As for the colours, I see Lets Do This in his comment expresses a polar opposite of my opinion, so before you start considering it, it might be good to ask more people—in The Writer’s Group, for example. It might be better to know more about the general opinion, should you decide to put the story up for a review or publish it into a group that accepts only stories of certain quality.
Well, didn’t expect to see the chapter filled with so much savagery and also cuteness, but I have to say, it flowed well and was very enjoyable
I wonder, given this was Tempest reliving the alternate form of the event, shouldn’t she be aware of the other characters’ names and such? Just struck me as odd.
By the way, noticed another bunch of grammar errors, would you be possibly interested in me going through the text and marking them for you?
This is nice, a really strong AU chapter, with the characters pretty much true to form (for this point in the movie, particularly Tempest). As Everfree notes, you could take advantage of Tempest's hindsight in this vision, though it could also be important that she's "reliving" the events in such detail that she doesn't have that hindsight during then. We'll want to see more chapters to get a sense of what the "rules" are for these visions, and how that plays into the overall story. Keep it up!
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Thanks again for the feedback you two! And yeah, the reliving thing is something that will be discussed coming up.
And Everfree, I'd greatly appreciate the editing assist. Thanks for offering!
Nice! This is a good answer to all the "how the movie should have ended" commentary out there, which tends to paint Tempest as having had no plan in mind for dealing with the the Royal Guard or Equestria's allies, in particular Discord... although given what a quick turncoat Discord was with Tirek, it's an open question whether he might not simply have cut a new deal with the Storm King to avoid the bother of actually having to rule this time (and thus be conveniently in the background if Twilight and her friends did manage to get free somehow and take the Storm King out).
In laying out the argument here, it would actually be cool to see some of these answers presented as brief action scenes, e.g. semi-dream "flashbacks", just to vary the flow a bit, but on the other hand it's reasonable to alternate solid "dream" chapters with discussion chapters.
Tempest may be a bit of an anti-hero in general, but it'll be interesting to see a potential future where she does come out ahead, and see what she does with it.
Just thought I'd check, but how's progress on the next chapter coming along?
I really want to see what happens next!
. . . .
Are you suggesting that Spike would have killed Tempest?
Wow. . . bold.
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in certain stories it's suggested that spike has no control if the thing he is burning is transported to Celestia, Fallout Equestria, kkat uses it to transport the main character to a key, impenetrable location to set up the final phase of the story, but the character in question does suffer being immolated to death in the process.
Be interesting to see how Tempest digests this memory