Finding a Haven - SockPuppet (Random Recommendations in <50 words #11) · 6:32pm May 15th
[Technically Advanced]
Overall. Emotional adiabatic lapse rate in excess of safe levels! Delivery of baby unicorn essential to stabilise.
Best lines:
So: if Haven just wanted to see her daughter, to enjoy her smile and her chubby cheeks and the flicking of the tiny wings in her dreams and the all-around perfection, what better time than when she was asleep?
[...]"Zephyrina is hungry." Spreading her []legs, Haven then set the tiny princess onto her hooves. Tiny legs trembled and tiny wings flapped. Crying turned to suckling and Haven grimaced at the still-unfamiliar discomfort as the newborn latched.
"No. Whatever it is—no. I'm not the Crown Princess right now. I'm on maternity leave."
"Royals don't get leave. Our obligations are to our ponies, not to ourselves."
It was the hormones, Haven told herself, hormones making her emotions brittle, but at the word infanticide she burst into tears, thinking about the fragile life she now cared for. Her shoulders heaved and tears flowed instantly.
The bundle began to whine and fuss. "She's hungry," said the King. "Can we trade?"
"I'm not nursing a—a unicorn!"
[With] wings wide and stiff, [...she...] cambered upward, primaries spread wide, and crossed the gulch, the rushing water and killing rocks a blur far below. In what seemed like both an instant and a lifetime she was over the gulch and above the grass of the far side and suddenly down, chest-first, legs splayed, sliding to an inelegant and very non-royal stop. A long furrow in the dew-soaked grass marked her landing.
Haven stiffened her spine, standing up as tall as she could, ignoring the hideous pains that ran down her back and around her belly. She forced her wings to clamp tight to her flanks; the various 'no wings' signs on the entrance to the forest made clear the unicorns' opinion there. "We must parley, then we will leave."
Why read? sophisticated and powerful emotions and ideas; deepens chars within G5 framework; deepens G5 lore; nails the adventure/slice genre.
Flaws: The writing. Efficiency and word-use in places, especially for dialogue; emphasis/ellipsis overload. Examples:
Efficiency
She left her wings wide and stiff, trading altitude for speed, with a slight anhedral and cambered upward, primaries spread wide, and crossed the gulch
[With] wings wide and stiff, [she] cambered upward, primaries spread wide, and crossed the gulch[.]
Over-emphasis (and efficiency)
Signs covered, absolutely covered, the trees around the road. Go Away signs. Skull and crossbones, skull and wings. No pegasi and No earth pony symbols. "But our duty is clear."
Signs covered the trees around the road proclaiming [']Go Away['] and ['death and danger' to the other breeds].
"[O]ur duty is clear."
Dialogue (and efficiency/ellipsis)
"A pegasus mother might birth a unicorn infant, and no one paid it any more mind than we pay a pink mother," he gestured at Haven, "birthing a white infant," he gestured at Zephyrina.
"Hmmmpf," Haven repeated. That was what the histories in the secret libraries in the Castle said. But it seemed... unlikely.
"A pegasus mother might birth a unicorn infant, and no one [pay] it any more mind than we pay a pink mother[—]"
He gestured at Haven.
"[—]birthing a white infant[.]"
[But Haven dismissed this also —] that was what the histories in the secret libraries in the Castle said[, though] it seemed unlikely.
Meta: Skim-read? ✔ Full-read? TBC Recommend Author? TBC
Final thought. A nuclear payload — 1,000 kiloton baby bomb.
