MISSION LOG – SOL 21
We have returned bearing soil samples and dragon take-out. Fireball gets to choose one from column A (quartz), one from column B (different colored quartz), and one from column C (other different colored quartz). The rest of us have to make do with three-quarters of a technologically advanced microwave dinner each.
Fireball seems to have mixed feelings about the discovery. On the one hand, plain white quartz (which is the clear majority of what’s in the crystal cave) is like tapioca pudding for dragons, according to Starlight. On the other hand, he was thrilled at the small number of yellow, red and purple crystals we brought back with the white… and he was downright giddy at the double handful of dark grey crystals. He’s busy now slowly crushing them into powder with his claws and scooping the dust into one of my test tubes. It kinda looks like a pepper shaker now.
But the key point is, barring a cave-in, he’s set for food for the duration. With fully charged suits and fresh CO2 filters in my case, Starlight and I explored the cave from mouth to back today. I dug out the entrance some more so I don’t have to duck to get in, and that’s still the narrowest point in the cave except for one.
I don’t think the cave is really all one geode. There are places where the crystals change color slowly, like a Photoshop color gradient, but there are also tight points where the crystals are white on one side of the narrowing and orange or purple on the other side. And there are little pockets everywhere, sort of like cubbyholes, with other varieties of crystal. Best guess, a bunch of air pockets opened up in the molten rock, and what with one thing and another the bubbles grew together. Somewhere in the past the barriers between the geodes broke or something, and then mineral deposits sealed them together.
All told, the cave goes back almost to the center of Site Epsilon- a good six hundred meters deep. There’s only a bit of sand and dust at the far end, not enough to cover up the gems, so I’m guessing that the opening hasn’t been open for all that long geologically speaking. Over a billion years this place would have silted up solid. Anyway, we only walked as far as it was safe to, and we didn’t step on any exposed crystals. My light was good enough to see a gray wall barren of crystal at the far end, which I’m guessing is an old magma chamber.
But most of that is academic. Right now we’re focused on practical matters, namely: how can we use this cave?
Well, obviously we can harvest crystals from it. Starlight used her magic and that battery of hers to cut samples enough for two sample boxes off the walls. Seems I was more right about her being Yoda than I knew, considering that her horn makes a dandy lightsaber. Most of one bin is going to be Fireball’s nom-noms for the next month or so, but the other bin has four chunks taken from the really huge crystals, each absolutely flawless and about the same size as the one in her magic battery. No points for guessing what she has planned there.
But that’s a minor issue. The major issue is: can we turn that cave into a farm? The second chamber or so in, about eighty meters from the entrance, is almost perfect for our needs. It’s at least twenty meters wide and a good two hundred meters long- which would probably make it gigantic even among Earth caves, and probably wouldn’t work at all here except for Mars’s 0.4g and a couple of crystal shafts that run from ceiling to floor here and there.
That’s where I took most of my soil samples using the sample drill. I filled up about two dozen sample bags with dirt from ten centimeters, thirty, and even fifty- that’s about twenty inches down in American measurements. I’ll run them through the same soil tests I used on the surface dirt around the Hab, but that won’t happen for a couple days.
While Starlight and I have been raiding Superman’s underwear drawer, everyone else has been finishing the all-important job of covering the Hab with ten centimeters of Martian dirt and soaking it down to flush all the nasty perchlorates to the bottom, where we won’t be breathing toxic dust 24-7. We now have ninety-two square meters of mostly barren soil in the Hab. Tomorrow we add yet more water, but otherwise we rest, because the next day is the first of what I call “dirt-doubling.”
The first batch of dirt we brought in, with its Earth soil and compost mixed in, is coming along nicely. It already looks like well-watered and fertilized reclaimed desert soil… which, well, it is. I’ve checked in the microscope, and the Earth bacteria are coming along nicely. And- best of all- the perchlorate-eating bugs have done their job. Perchlorate levels are down by three-quarters from the levels measured outside.
But that’s only 15 square meters, leaving 77 square meters of mostly raw, bacteria-free, unfertilized soil in the hab. So my plan is to dig up the dirt full of Earth bacteria (except for the bit that’s growing the starter alfalfa crop), spread some of the untreated Mars dirt to cover the bare area, and dump the treated soil on top of it, along with the current contents of our communal shit bucket.
That will be mostly me doing it, with Fireball maybe helping. That leaves the ponies with the most dangerous job: talking Fireball into helping me do it. It’ll also be a long, physically challenging job, so I’m not planning on doing anything else that day. Only after that’s done will I tackle the soil samples from the cave.
It’d take at least two, and more practically three, dirt-doublings before we’re ready to plant. I’ll probably start the potato seed crop after the second doubling- we’ll see how the first one goes. But that’s just for the available floor space in the Hab. We’ll need about half as much again if we try to turn the alien ship into a second area. And if we turn the gem cave into a farm, we’ll need as large a collection of dirt as we can fit into the rover to kick-start the soil already there.
I admit, making a farm in a cave is really ambitious, but Starlight thinks all the major problems can be addressed through low-level magic. I don’t know about that. I’ll try to remember to talk to her about it during Guess the Context Time tomorrow. She’s too tired for more magic tonight.
For my own use, here’s a rundown of all the problems I can think of with growing things in the cave.
1)LIGHT. The cave is dark as hell once you get more than three steps from the entrance. I don’t have any mushroom spores, so we need to get a lot of light in there for edible plants to grow. The Hab lighting is specially designed LEDs tweaked to replicate Earth levels of sunlight, including small amounts of infrared and non-sunburning ultraviolet wavelengths. The pony ship uses, I shit you not, incandescent bulbs.
2)HEAT. The Hab has a full heating system in addition to several systems like the atmospheric regulator, the oxygenator, and the water reclaimer that produce heat as part of normal operation. The polymers of the Hab canvas and floor are efficient insulators designed to reduce the heat lost to Mars’s atmosphere. The cave, on the other hand, is underground and actually a couple of degrees cooler than the surface. The dirt and rock will represent a massive heat sink that will make warming the area enough for plants to live a serious challenge.
3)AIR. Our inspection didn’t reveal any skylights or other openings that might allow air to vent to the surface aside from the entrance, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t cracks or something hidden behind the crystals. And even if there aren't, geodes are porous, so I have to hope the soil on top of the cave makes a good seal. Also, I simply haven’t got enough O2 or N2 in the Hab to fill that vast a space. Assuming we can seal the entrance, which is a big damn if, we either need a large-scale source of breathable air or a source of air the Hab systems can convert to breathable air to replace what we’ll have to steal to fill the cave.
4)WATER. The pony suits are holding up for the Hab dirt project, but a cave farm would be a lot bigger and a lot thirstier. Also, there’s almost certainly permafrost in that soil if it goes as deep as the ceiling is high. Too much water, or contaminated water, might be as big a problem as too little, especially since the cave won’t have a water reclaimer to take the excess out of circulation.
5)ACCESS. We need to get in the cave to tend the farm, and we need to be able to get harvests out. Sealing the cave isn’t enough; we need an airlock. I have materials for Hab canvas repairs which would let me detach one of the Hab’s three airlocks for this purpose, but I think the cargo airlock from the alien ship would be a better bet. It doesn’t risk our safe haven, and it’s currently attached to a section of the ship that can’t hold air anyway. The docking port would also work, except it’s much smaller- I’d have to crawl through on hands and knees- and removing it would make the central compartment of the ship uninhabitable.
6)SOIL. Or more specifically, perchlorates. If the concentrations are like the surface, the Earth bacteria can cope. If they’re higher, there could be problems. And in any case, first we need to create enough Earth-type fertile soil to get started with, or 1 through 5 are all pointless.
That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure the thing I’m forgetting will come round to bite me in the ass.
Even the ponies are beginning to tire of non-stop Beatles. Tonight I’m going to show them Vogel’s family photos. They’re the only non-text thing on his media drive. I figure we can use them to start language lessons and give the ponies a look at what life is like on Earth.
And after the ponies are bored of family photos (which, in my personal case, usually takes about seven minutes), I’ll have no choice but to raid Commander Lewis’s media stash. Please, Commander, have something educational. Something that encourages development of vocabulary. Something. Anything.
MISSION LOG – SOL 21 (2)
I got bored of the photos before the ponies did. They were talking about the pics for a couple of hours, and of course I didn’t understand a word. They were too excited to explain anything by Pictionary. But finally their interest tapered off enough for me to pull Vogel’s stick and slot in Lewis’s.
So what does our esteemed commander, who has been both a carrier pilot and a nuclear submarine officer before joining NASA, bring to the table?
Sitcoms.
1970s sitcoms.
Shitty, terrible, horrible TV sitcoms from the 1970s. And she’s absolutely filled the stick with them.
Well, to be fair, it’s not all sitcoms, but look at the list.
Barney Miller.
The Bionic Woman.
BJ and the Bear. (What?)
The Bob Newhart Show.
The Brady Bunch. (I saw the movies as a kid. I will NEVER be THAT bored.)
CHiPs (apparently only the first three seasons. Hm. Wonder why.)
The Dukes of Hazzard (the whole run, even though it had more 80’s than 70’s seasons).
The Electric Company. (What?)
Grizzly Adams. (No, seriously, what?)
Happy Days.
Kolchak: the Night Stalker (huh, this one actually sounds interesting).
Kung Fu. (Honestly, what were you smoking, and will it grow in Martian soil?)
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
The Odd Couple (I was in the play in high school. How about the Odd 6? Can a man, a dragon, and four quadrupeds live in the same apartment without driving each other crazy?).
The Partridge Family.
The Rockford Files.
Sanford and Son.
The Six Million Dollar Man.
Starsky and Hutch.
Three’s Company.
And, finally, Wonder Woman. (I have the feeling I’d enjoy this one more if I was alone in the Hab…)
OK, so there’s some action-adventure, but half the stuff here is sitcoms. And no cartoons. Not much sci-fi. And I should be grateful, no variety shows or game shows or anything like that.
But really, Lewis… would it have killed you to have even one season of Sesame Street or something? Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood? Smurfs? (No, wait, Smurfs was 80s, not 70s.)
Oh well. At least I’ve heard of Partridge Family. It’s got music- ponies love music- and it can’t possibly be as bad as the Brady Bunch. Let’s try an episode.
MISSION LOG – SOL 21 (3)
Yes, it can be that bad.
And the ponies are demanding I play it again so they can learn the theme song. They don’t even speak English and they want to learn the theme song.
I think I’ve created several monsters.
Oops- forgot to write the chapter note. Working...
It's very unlikely that Watney, born probably around 2000(?), would have seen The Electric Company, which explains why he's not a lot more excited about it.
8669529 Ahhhh, you noticed I snuck that one in there, did you?
Wow, this story has gotten a new chapter every day for two weeks now.
And on that note, thank you. It's amazing that you've kept this posting schedule as long as you have. It's made a smart, funny, well-written story into something of an experience, and I know it can't have been easy. Thank you.
Muppets wouldn't have been that bad a variety show... Plus imagine the mass confusion it could cause.
8669538 Thanks. Right now, on this project, I can manage about 1,000 words an hour. It's mentally demanding work, and I honestly don't know how long I can keep it up. I haven't been able to get more than a two-day buffer built up yet, and I'm back on the road eleven days from now. But I'll keep doing it as long as I can, and we'll see where it goes.
8669547 The Muppet Show was among the best the 1970s had for variety shows. Most of them were much, much, MUCH worse.
Watney, you brought this on yourself.
8669551
So no Brady Bunch Variety Hour?
On Muppets
I think Mark would find great entertainment in Waldorf and Statler. Hell I think everyone would find a character they loved... On second thought. Mark got lucky, DFly would have enjoyed the explosive gags TOO much. Changelings would get far too many horrible ideas from that show.
8669561
Still. It'll probably happen, just later.
8669531
Well, yeah! I mean, how else is he going to get across the fundamental Earth concepts of gorilla suits, Euell Gibbons, and Spider-Man?
8669547
Starting with the fact that the ponies would need it explained that no, these aren't all different species. Or puppets thereof.
He is gonna be crazy by the time they get through that memory stick.
there
compost
Aww... No Watney bitching about disco music? But that was my favorite part... *sad thestral noises*
8669612 The disco is in Lewis's other memory stick. I haven't forgotten.
media.giphy.com/media/3oz8xL9gK2DQm2iBFK/giphy.gif
The Dukes Of Hazzard?
Mark has Two working rovers currently?
Undoubtedly, yes.
Hmm. Specifically something magical, going by the author's note. Not sure if it will just be some kind of supernatural crap-out, or if the careless use of magical energy will intensify that thin haze of hatred into something more substantial. And capable of acting upon its resentment.
In any case, Mark's suffering has truly begun. Poor guy. Though he'll probably want to be careful about the more fantastical shows. Don't want to get the ponies expecting him to perform superhuman feats. Or spinning in place to transform into his alter ego.
8669549
Thank you for all the effort you have put in.
Can't speak for everyone, but this helps me after a stressful day, having something to look forward to.
We need bets on how many chapters it takes him to realize what electric company is and how it would help him a lot.
8669769
Not familiar with the show. But judging by the description I read of it, at the very least, wouldn't it help at least Starlight learn the language and other human things?
8669709
Sounds like a prelude to Demolition Man where there is no more music, just old commercial tunes... and it drives Stallone insane as the agonizingly perky new-age cops sing along to the car radio.
Somehow, I always expect this if it was a HiE fic because ponies are so, well, so damned perky.
8669845 I'm just old enough to remember the later episodes of the first run of the first show. It was basically Sesame Street for second graders, teaching reading and phonics. Not to be confused with the recent, short-lived revival which was... er... unfortunate in every regard. Watney's childhood (born 1994) would drop him between the two, and so he knows nothing of it.
You know. I keep thinking of the ponies seeing Wonder Woman, Spiderman, and the Bionic Man, and them thinking:
' Great, we got the defective member of the species.' 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ah, the Electric Company. I have vague memories of that show.
He's been using all their poop together to fertilise the soil, right? Won't the Equestrians have their own microbes? Or are they so similar to Earth's that he cannot tell the difference?
Heck, disregarding the poop, they're bound to have their own personal ecosystems of germs. Is Mark Watney going to contract dragon flu somewhere down the line and vice versa? Maybe they aren't wreaking havoc yet because of the low-magic environment?
Man, that's lame. No "Columbo" or "Perry Mason". What a disappointment.
They could have at least thrown in some...
I have been waiting for the right opportunity to use that clip here for FIVE YEARS!!!
8669970
I wasn't going to bring it up, but I also noticed the lack of The Waltons, All in the Family, and M*A*S*H*. 😑
Not to mention The Incredible Hulk. They might actually like the Hulk. 😊 A being that lloked scarey on the outside, but had a big heart on the inside. I actually think it would have factors to it that appeal to all 5 of the Equestrians. Especially Starlight, who I actually think could relate to Bruce Banner and The Hulk....including getting stronger the angrier they get............ 😐😐😐😐😐
8669884
Their only source of Spider-Man is Spidey Super Stories from The Electric Company... I don't think Mark has to worry about competition.
8669970 Matlock was 1980s.
8670005 All in the Family and MASH were originally on my list, along with Good Times. Watney noted All in the Family and Good Times as "wait until I can explain this" and MASH as "How can I explain this to those huge innocent eyes? Even the dragon has big innocent eyes!"
Then I decided that Lewis would have leaned towards lighter fare, so the more problematic stuff got the axe. Mary Tyler Moore and Starsky and Hutch are probably the most problematic shows left.
But the shows that got mentioned in the book- Three's Company, Dukes of Hazzard, Happy Days and Six Million Dollar Man- all got kept.
Perry Mason dates back to the 1950s on TV and earlier as radio. Lewis apparently wanted no shows that didn't have their first season in 1970 or after.
8670049
I seem to recall Sanford and Son having the same problem as Good Times...
8670049
What about The Waltons? I think they would work perfectly for this audience. The story of a close loving family, who despite all the hardships they go through, are still as strong as ever.
The Incredible Hulk would also be very appealing to Starlight. I actually think she could relate to the big guy.Both even get stronger the angrier they get.
It's kind of too bad Star Trek was either too early or too late to fit this time period. I actually think they would have been perfect additions. Especially since it would fit Mark's situation.
8670053 Good Times was a lot more socially aware than Sanford and Son. Sanford and Son was more focused on the father-son disconnect and Fred's get-rich-quick farces.
8669707
Now I'm gonna be imagining a Waylon Jennings voiceover every time something dramatic happens, followed by a wicked music al sting. "Man, the day they passed out luck, those ol' ponies musta been fishing."
But mai Kung Fu..........
8669915
Even weirder, they're magic poop germs.
8669884
ikr or if by chance(a VERY slim one) any of those contained TRON (1982) same impression would be made as they would think that most humans are like kevin Flynn while he's on the grid(unimaginable power over the system in his vicinity)
8669858
Ah... Rita Moreno, young Morgan Freeman, songs by Tom Lehrer — Mark’s gonna get sick of “L-Y” and “Silent E” in fairly short order once he corrects his oversight — ‘scuse me. Getting a tad nostalgic...
8670059
I suspect avoiding Star Trek Animated (‘73-‘74) would probably be a net plus...
At least there wasn't any anime. Then you'd have to explain what the shit is going on if it's subbed. I wonder what ponies would interperate FMA without any understanding of language as.
So quick question, what's to stop the Equestrian's from communicating with their home world using the infinite water supply and something similar to Morse code? (Mares code? Sorrynotsorry) At the very least the continued intake of water at intervals tells the homeworld they're still alive so someone has to be monitoring that link to the fate of the crew.
You probably didn't intend that with the water draw being a hold over from Kerbal and it's possible that they don't know a Morse code equivalent but it just came to mind they could send a message to Equestria that they're in another dimension to help Equestria's efforts to find them.
So, unbelievably delicious, then?
What? I like tapioca pudding!
8671398
HAHAHAha.ha.h..cough. I, on the other hand, think plain tapioca pudding would probably taste the same coming or going.
Then my bud would eat anything he could catch before it crawled off his plate. HA º›º
8670131
I like that idea. Bacteria that feed on magic. And proliferate on poop.
Magical poop bacteria.
8670163
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMUxKye8fW0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91BQqdNOUxs
8669529
That was a good show, and perfect for what he has in mind.
I g guess the mlp equivalent would be the bridle bunch
Oh I hope i get to read those reaction to wonder women. Lol