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A father tries desperately to care for his loving, six year old daughter, as she fights lung cancer, while at the same time, trying to survive a deadly heart defect. Don't forget to leave a like if you enjoyed this story. (if this story gets up to 25 likes within a month, I will make it a full story.
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I'm not sure where the tragedy and sad tags come into play (I guess I can see a point made for sad?) here.
I enjoyed the story.
5428050 I guess the tragedy part comes from the mother being mentioned as dead, but i'm thinking of removing that tag. but thanks for liking the story :D
5428615 what?
5428617 you put ha said instead of he said
5428624 oh thx for that i will fix it
DISCORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5428649 how does discord come into this?
5428627 your welcome
5428662 discord would probably do something like this
5428671
Twist, her father gets ponified but becomes a draconequus.
5428974 sounds like an idea, but It's a ponification serum.
5428979
Then, glitches. Glitches mate.
Or a bored Discord
5429004 why read it then?
5429037 it said it in the short description if you didnt look.
5429049 thanks
Hello! I came here because someone put this in the Absolutely Disgusting group. I clicked on the link, expecting to see some awful black and red Alicorn
OCself-insert story. That wasn't what I read at all. I read a story with an author who knows how to use the [sad] tag. Thanks for playing my heartstrings. I cannot understand why this was added to the Absolutely Disgusting group.Although, quick critique, I understand the emotional turmoil the father is going through, however, we are never really given a reason why. I mean, we can infer the obvious, but I think specific examples of "No more (insert common human activity here)" throughout the story would have made the transformation all the more meaningful.
5429831 okay thanks for your advice
5429037 I dont like the idea of people just wanting to become a cartoon equine anatomy just because either. I mean, whats the point of it? I'd only do it if I really had to, like Jane. If I was dying, and ponification was the only way to save myself, then I would do it, but other than that, I'd stay away from the stuff.
5439054 Yeah. I'd still feel really idiotic for doing it, but you know. Now If I in my current life was in that problem, I'd rather die. I live a very horrible life, and becoming a cartoon pony from a girls show would only make it worse
5439161 ha e been, but cant expect life to be filled with money, rainbows, sunny days, and what not.
5439635 Pinkie pie told you?
5439736 lol
That was bad, and you should feel bad.
5447249 what was wrong with it?
5447249 A father takes his daughter to get ponified to save her life even though she wouldn't be the same.
5447261
Hamfisted, treacly and very much offputting. It`s not the idea itself, but rather how you handle it. Ew.
5447272 mmkay. s any suggestions to make it better or are you just gonna keep making insults?
5447278
Put yourself into the shoes of each character, one by one. If your line or action makes you feel ashamed,, frustrated or ridiculous about having to say/do it, then you REALLY should rethink what you`re doing. Also, double over on the fact-checking. I`ll point out a few glaring mistakes to get you started.
1) "Put her out of her misery" - no doctor would ever utter those words. It`s just asking for trouble. Euthanasia is not legal yet, regardless of dr. Kevorkian`s best efforts. Moreso, an euthanasia on a child would be.... far more poignant of an issue then any doctor willing to retain license and reputation would ever want to deal with.
2) Two hours to decide. Ridiculous notion. If it only were possible to give time constrains like that. On a side note - if it`s feasible to create a wholly new pony-shaped body, it should be rather trivial to be able to create a human-shaped one. I`d overlook this if it was explicitly stated as magic at work, maybe, but you do posit that it`s achieved by :"surgery". Therefore, ridiculous.
3) The rest of the initial dialogue. A cliche built out of bloody mangled bits and pieces of little cliches. A veritable mountain oozing purple pus of prose.
4) Touching Conversion Bureau lore. That alone is... a thoughtcrime, let`s say.
5) Accidental alicorns. What the bloody hell is wrong with you? "Your daughter is a princess!" Seriously? SERIOUSLY!? Do you even understand what the word "princess" MEANS, you abominable hack!? Allow me to enlighten you - prince/princess comes from the word "princeps". It in itself is a combo of two words - "primus" and "capio". First means "first.". Second means "to cease". In short, princess is the first among the people - by merit, by power, by charisma. The leader. To see you and your ilk toss around the word so casually angers me. You wouldn`t know aristocracy even if it punched you in the face, as amply evidenced by your notions of becoming a princess.
6) Conversation with a child. You haven`t spoken with children much, now had you? I don`t know where to even begin explaining what in that dialogue was wrong and why. It would be easiest to say that everything was, from stem to stern, and that the only way to fix it is to rewrite it anew from the scratch, preferably under a closely watchful eye of something with a clue about how children usually act.
7) The conver... you know what, I`m done with this trainwreck. It`s easier to list what went right with your story. You spellchecked.
5447357 At first I was like "Great I have to deal with this bitches bitching." Then I realized how little of the story you understood. Jane had become an alicorn which is referred to as a princess in Equestria. Plus when you called me hack, what does hack even mean? also the word pus, is spelled puss, and each time you used an apostrophe, you has spaces before and after it, which is unneeded. The two hour time frame part is how long the doctor had calculated she would live for before she died. the part of putting her out of her misery i can agree with you there. Also, I think people would rather read a story with slight grammatical errors, than listen to a stuck up prick insult them and their story. I had fun reading your little not, seeing as how idiotic are are, and how you didn't understand a thing. Come back to me when you know how to analyze a story, but until then, go back to school you "Abominable hack" Thanks!
5447357 Also, next time when you decide to be critical about somebody's story, try being kinder, like saying: "This story has a great plot of which I enjoyed, but not as much as I had hoped. It does have some room for needed improvement, then I'd consider trying again." Then point out the mistakes, with a few smiley emoticons, because telling people they should feel bad about what they write is not cool dude. Try learning some manners while you're learning your abc's again.
5447357 There are many more mistakes I could point out in your message, but since I pitty your lack of grammar, I'll let you be...for now.
5447472
No, it`s not. I don`t know where you got this ridiculous idea from.
The point of alicorns is that they`re RARE, and it is this rarity that gives them power. Moreover, we see each of the presented alicorns from the position of merit first and foremost. You don`t seem to comprehend that much even remotely - princess is just a pretty word for you. And given it is so, DO NOT TOUCH IT. You cheapen it needlessly.
hack /hak/ (noun) - a writer or journalist producing dull, unoriginal work.
pus /pʌs/ (noun) - a thick yellowish or greenish opaque liquid produced in infected tissue, consisting of dead white blood cells and bacteria with tissue debris and serum.
No, I don`t have spaces before and after apostrophe. If it seems to you that I do, check your vision.
___
It`s NOT bloody feasible to give "two hours before death" timeline, and any doctor worth their Hippocratic oath would outright refuse to try and name the exact time to live.
___
Grammar/spelling, I actually have no quarrel with. It`s the content that is utterly banal. Just like your responses. It`s... not particularly hard to base all of your refutations on "you didn`t understand it", but... What the bloody hell is your role then? If you wrote something that is not understood, all that means is that you utterly failed as an author. I`d be very cautious using that excuse if i were you. It was YOUR job to let me understand the message you wanted to convey - if you bungled that up, that`s hardly something YOU should be bringing up. If anything, it`s more condemning of you and your story then anything I could say.
5447513 I like you.
5447486
I`ve proffered all the kindness I could muster for this affront of common decency you wrought.
Moreover, I refuse to lie - your plot was horrible, and my PRIMARY complaint is exactly that.
Lastly, I refuse to mollycoddle you milksop rejects of slush pile. If you want anything but thinly veiled derision from me, EARN IT. Again, I don`t know where you got this ridiculous idea from, but I do NOT owe you anything. Neither kindness, nor respect. And you did NOT endear yourself to me with your story to expect either to be proffered, to boot.
In short, I don`t like what you wrote, I don`t like your attitude about it, and I will make no effort to hide my distaste from you. Sink or swim, improve or vanish. It`s THAT simple.
5447550 just to let you know, your opinion means nothing to me. You are the first person among many to hate this story. And with that said I will NOT "Vanish" Because you tell me to. And ti let you know, this could have been avoided if you were more respectful in the first place. To be honest, I'm having a lot of fun with this dispute we are having right now. I bet you were hoping to make me "Feel bad" About myself but you have no idea how hard it is to bring me down. I'm like a bouncy ball. You shove me down I get right back up. So just admit you filed at your goal of making me feel bad. Have a nice day :)
5447582
First to hate, or first to take the time to explain to you why it was bad? I rather think it`s the second. Care to wager how many people checked the synopsis, maybe skimmed through the story, and went "Nope, ain`t worth any consideration."? Because that`s what the bulk of disliking people do.
Being graceful about critique is not a skill many possess - and what`s even worse, those in most need of critique are the least capable of dealing with it, be it gracefully or not so much. And that tends to discourage people, you know? Why bother overcoming the stubborn refusal to admit mistakes, if the one making them is much easier to just overlook? It takes a special kind of person to care enough to speak up, you know. TREASURE THEM. Neither yes-men, nor avoidants will ever give you any scrap of useful data willingly.
Frankly, I`m quite certain most of it will go right over your head. You`ve demonstrated no capability to comprehend so far. It`s always about you, no? Why bother with analysis, why consider your efforts critically if it`s so much easier to just discount it as "personal attacks". Except for one small problem with that - in order to receive "personal attacks", you actually need to be, y`know, a person for whoever is "attacking".
5447620 The fact that i see the likes outweigh the dislikes by almost 3x means that more people liked it. Whey read a story, then like it when you really didn't? makes no sense at all. I d agree I make mistakes like I said before, but the way you come off about it is just cruel and careless. I take time to consider the advice from people who don't make constant insults. I really dont care what you have to say, so why do you keep wasting your time on replying? You don't get the hint I DONT FUCKING GIVE A SHIT!!
5447637
Did you check the total number of views? See, a good deal of people also think that leaving story dislikes is mean, especially dislikes to newbie like you. So they just leave instead.
Also, why I keep on replying? Because I`m cruel like that. Because someday later (much later), you will learn better. Probably not by my advice, but by the school of hard knocks, given your reticent nature so far. Regardless of how forcible the method will end up being, you WILL learn all of that, and then... Then you`ll also remember this conversation. But then, you will also remember just how much time you wasted since then, learning things the hard way.
See, when I was younger, I very quickly learned NOT to stop people when they get the notion to slam their head on the wall, literally or figuratively. But I will tell them how stupid the idea is, and I WILL remind them "told you so" for the rest of their life. It amuses me greatly to remind people they fluffed up precisely due to neglecting my advice. Or just watching people fluffing things up, when you and me both know I was right that`s not gonna work.
Sure, disregard what I say. Subvert what I say. Do opposite of what I say just to show me how much you don`t give a shit. I`m not in a habit of advising bad things, so doing the opposite of my notions is going to be unequivocally funny. And self-destructive. But you`ll do it, right? Because there`s no way you`d dare to admit might be right in something. It would be easier t just put up with whatever self-inflicted harm you ended up with, just not to admit that "Alice was right!"
Dance, puppet, dance. Break yourself for my amusement, rebel for the sake of rebellion, and be none the wiser of it. ^_^
5447713 Dude. I have to thank you. I thought my new years eve was ruined to you came, and we had this time to have an argument i have been dying for. I've been laughing my ass off for the past twenty minutes. At least I have one thing to celebrate for.
5447722
I`m not a dude.
5447799 well shit
(Spoiler Alert!):
Not going to lie: Chances of becoming an Alicorn, let alone becoming a princess by chance is extremely rare. This is definitely (Though I may be wrong) the first story I've read of a customer getting very lucky with this ponification, especially right towards her verge of death.
Other than that, You get:
for a happy moment given to the child
for one father's instinct for listening to both his heart and his guts
3 Yays
and
3 Mustaches
Other than that, I'D SAY KEEP GOING WITH THIS STORY! :D This would put Celestia's run with her money by the time she found out about this.
5461521 the hole alicorn thing was just a twist XD i love throwing in good twists. read my little rosey. it has a GOOD twist :D
5465554 Ok then. :) I'll give it a read!
5465838 nice
I like the story. Even if it's a one-shot, I'd love to see more.
The only part I'm unsure about is the alicorn part. Normally it'd be fine with me, but another person had a story in which that happened... it didn't end well.
No matters, though, that was their story. Keep writing!
5584800 I just threw in the alicorn part for a twist. I'm not gonna go very far. If I do continue it will just be the party vinyl talked about
5584888
Fine with me, it's your story after all!
5584892