Chapter 5: Foul! Dis-neighbourly conduct!
It didn't surprise me that the majority of ponies I'd met, or trotted within earshot of, suddenly had a great deal of things to do elsewhere. In fact, I found it mildly amusing, and started making notes as to who came out of what door at what time. Which would be put to fantastic use later. Celestia help us all if I ever found a work schedule.
I did, of course, encounter some ponies that had no apparent adverse reactions to me, including one startlingly chipper young stallion named Half-Pint. Who, mind you, was an average-sized stallion. “Well, hello there!” he called out cheerfully, as I almost ran into him turning a corner. He was just coming out of a room marked “Kitchen”, so I could only imagine what he did for a living. “Name's Half-Pint, I handle all of the drinks and refreshments for the wait staff! Who're you?”
Well, I wasn't about to be snarky. He was a well-mannered, cheerful stallion giving me a proper greeting and introduction. I am a stallion of class, after all. “My name is Schadenfreude, Prince Blueblood's new personal attendant. Pleasure to meet you.”
He smiled, and bowed his head a bit. “Well, good luck with that. Ol' Bluey's a bit of a hooffull. Hope you're up for it. Oop, I better get back to it! Egg Beater might blow a gasket if I'm late!”
I raised an eyebrow, but he was already off down the hall. So instead, I simply waved and said, “Bye!”
“Bye!”
I waited til he turned a corner, and then took a quick peek into the kitchen. The... surprisingly unoccupied kitchen. That was amazingly well organized. Alphabetically.
It was like Heart's Warming Eve come early.
For bad people.
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A little while later, I was making my way past the Royal's quarters, at which point I could feel every Royal Guard in the hall staring at me. Or, at least extremely aware of my existence. So I did what any respectable (don't even start I can hear you coughing from here), castle attendant would do. I found a small alcove in the hall, and stood there. Not perfectly still, like the guards, because that's boring. Nope, I just kind of hung out. Sat and stared at the wall for a while. Every once in a while, just to keep them alert, I'd scratch my nose or check my hooves for no reason.
Now, while you may be wondering why I was in such blatant violation of Rule #3. But in fact, if I'm not committing any actions or actively engaging a guard, it doesn't count. I was literally sitting there minding my own business.
For two. Hours.
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Two and a half hours later, and the addition of Rule #142: “Schadenfreude is not to spend more than ten minutes in the presence of a Royal guard unless under the provision of an earlier rule,” I was being frogmarched by Princess Cadence back to the kitchen.
“Oh come on, it wasn't that big a deal,” I grumbled, as she all but drug me down the hall.
“He cried, Schaden, cried. He's been here five years. But enough about Captain Lucerne,” she stated bluntly, throwing open the kitchen door. “WHAT DID YOU DO.”
I looked in at the kitchen staff scrambling around, inspecting every corner of the kitchen, and smiled to myself. “Absolutely nothing.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. Tell us what you did so we can write a Rule about it and move on.”
My smile grew. “I'm serious. I walked in, looked around, and walked out.”
She gave me a glare that, were I someone as close to her as Shining Armor or Twilight, might have made me worried. But I didn't know here that well at the time, so I ignored it. “You mean to tell me you just happened to walk into the kitchen, do absolutely nothing, and walk out just as the entire lunch staff walked back in after... serving... oh you are an asshole.”
“You can't spell paranoia without anoi,” I chirped. Her eyebrow twitched.
“There's a rule in this somewhere, I just have to find it,” she grumbled, and marched off.
“There's a loophole in this somewhere, I just have to find it,” I said to myself, loud enough for Cadence to hear. Then I went about my day.
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If there are two words in the Equestrian language that I cannot resist, and are, in fact, the perfect bait for anypony just mad enough to trap me (which is pretty much everypony), it's these: “Keep Out”.
There wasn't any lock. No big, ornate decoration. Just a small cardboard sign on a string hung on a nail on a small door in the middle of a side hallway. That said “Keep Out” in somewhat feminine block letters.
So I didn't.
The room itself was a small storage room, filled with boxes of supplies for the different jobs, and a few odds and ends I wasn't especially concerned with. What did concern me was the two mares snogging in this storage closet. Which explained the rather feminine hoofwriting on the sign. I stared for a few moments, because buck yeah. Then they realized I was there. One of them, a rather curvy unicorn, barked, “Hey! Shove off!” and closed the door with her magic.
Now, while I'm not about to blackmail a couple of ponies for finding love (or something like it) in this world, I am a raving douchebag. Thus, I turned to my own, special list. I like to call it “The Counterlist”.
Rule #1: Always carry a sharpie.
I quietly took the sign down, took out my sharpie, and wrote on the back of the sign, “Free Cake.” Then I hung it back up.
And thus, my first day at the castle was a rousing success.
Might want to fix that formatting error.
Otherwise, holy shit that was awesome.
Nice chapter, very amusing, but when is it Blue Blood's turn to get freaked out????
yessssssssssssss it is alive we need more of this
I wonder if suffering tastes as sweet to him as love does to a changeling... which in turn makes me wonder to how he'd fair against Discord or Chrysalis.
yaaaaaay
Can't wait till he and Discord meet up. Does he annoy Discord by doing everything for him already and taking the fun out of it?
I need more, why is their not more of this?
Oh Schadenfreude, you are truly a shining example for us all.
Sweet gods yes!! It has returned!!
Yes! All of my yes!!
yes its BACKI
Aww yeah.
4948204 Probably more he can cause Chaos by pretending to do something while Discord actually has to do something. So I can see them getting into a "Who can cause more Chaos" contest, with the winner the title King of Chaos.
(standing ovation)
I laughed until I almost cried at the list of stuff he's not allowed to do. This story is utterly hilarious; I would adore seeing more.
... No, seriously. I don't get it.
How can people like this guy and hate Blueblood at the same time? That doesn't make any sense. He's at least as self-absorbed, arrogant a jerk as Prince Blueblood. And no, he's not really that much more fun to watch.
Yes, my favorite butler is back!
4948204
Whatever happened, it's probably the reason for Rule #98. It also probably involves Play-Dough and/or Silly Putty.
Blueblood's not that bright, but even he is going to figure out sooner or later that the smart thing to do is just hang around the rest of the Royals until Schadenfreude drives THEM all crazy.
4950830
The point is that BB is an arse because he thinks he's entitled to order the whole world around just because of who he's related to. He seems to have no realization that he is an arse, and his actions make the majority of those around him miserable.
Meanwhile, Schadenfreude is an arse, knows he's an arse, and in fact has a cutie mark in being an arse; but so long as you aren't the immediate focus or subsequent victim of his antics, you can still find what he does funny.
4951804
Well, I guess I understand your point, even if I don't share the sentiment. Personally, I feel more like 4951468 and hope for that (even if I don't think it's going to happen^^).
4950830
Because as we all know, being an unrepentant raging asshole to everyone is fine, but being mildly snobbish is a sin deserving of death.
(Translation: This fandom doesn't quite grasp the concept of logical morality.)
4950830 Shamalan doesn't really have the same dickery to him as Blueblood does
I can relate to Shahanshah in a way
People either love me or hate me; usually the latter
This guy is what the Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Alucard would be like if he was an ordinary pony instead of a hideously powerful immortal vampire.
I can't stress enough how much I love this story. It is probably one of the funniest series on the site. Please keep it up
4956487 ... I guess so...
I want to see Freude and Discord on April Fools Day.
please update soon. we miss you :(
More??
Oh Lord, please write "The Counter list". The world will thank you.
This pony is awesome and I barely can stand them
5121208 NO!!!!! Personel headcannon states that just as Halloween was replaced with Nightmare Night, so too shall april fools day be replaced By DIscORdAnT day.
Of course. Besides, you're a troll, not a jerk.
MUAHAHAHAHAA!
Monster.
He's serious. He didn't do anything.
He is amazing.
TEACH ME SEMPAI!
4953027 Perhaps an example from another franchise might illustrate why a snob is hated and an asshole is loved.
Dolores Umbridge is the snob, and Voldemort is the asshole.
4952439
You do realize "schaudenfreude" is a thing, right? It's why people like slapstick.
He's right, there was some cheesecake going on in there for sure.
And then he meets up with a pony whose Cutie Mark is a knife stabbing through Trollface.
And the pony gleefully gets to use his special talent for the first time.
Oh come on, I'm sure there's a pony with that mark somewhere!
Dear stick o' fuck I love this guy
Rule 143: Not allowed to exploit anypony's justified paranoia that he will be an asshole and then do nothing.
Rule 144: Not allowed to exploit anypony's justified paranoia that he will be an asshole and then actually be a asshole.
Rule 145: Not allowed to exploit anypony's unjustified paranoia that he will be an asshole and then do nothing.
Rule 146: There is no such thing as unjustified paranoia when it comes to Schadenfreude.
This is the best thing.
Half-Pint seems like a pretty cool guy. He makes drinks and doesn't afraid of schadenfreude.
Seriously though. Our resident prankster gets props for leveraging his reputation into aggrieving Cadence.
OH MY GOD I can't believe I didn't start reading this story sooner!
I feel like this guy and the Narrator of Cinema Sins would get along great.
I literally laughed.
Schadenfreude is amazing.
Is it wrong that I’ve done something similar in a Doctor’s office and almost brought the receptionist to tears????
We'll also need a full counterlist
this is too good