This was pretty good, but there could have been a bit more depth to the smut when it got there. A little more foreplay, focusing on how it feels for each of them a bit more. Sorta felt like it was just sort of there and done. But the build up to it was really good.
He had just turned it on, listening to the theme start to play as the elf started to walk towards these three triangles as a mysterious voice in the text told him to " accept his quest here young hero ."
11652433 I agree. There should have been a longer foreplay, and Button Mash and Sweetie Belle snogging before moving through the bases until sex in the pool. I was expecting him to get some action from Scootaloo too.
there should be a next episode where the mother leaves for a couple days and all three of the girls and him have a pool party with themselves and have a threesome.
11653048 I'll work with that. Got a second chapter already in the works but may do a bonus afterwards. Saw someone mention pool party for example, I might use that.
this could really use some proofreading. It seems like you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're," or "its" and "it's."
And also, it seems like you don't know when to use "but" instead of "and." there were lots of times when you said "but" -- like "She had small B cups *but* a thin athletic build" -- when you should have used *and,* instead.
Also, if they're supposed to be Anthros, why do they still have hooves?
11653467 Yeah I try to proofread best I can but for some reason I struggle to catch everything. All my proofreaders have become unavailable/unreachable/haven't been on in years. Also yes they are Anthro, so they have hooves instead of feet. I know some anthros will do feet but its all down to preference.
11653358 Marvellous to see. I await eagerly. Will Button and Sweetie attend a pool party thrown by their school-friends, and sneak off for some fun of their own; or will Button be allowed some sex by Scootaloo?
"Yeah... I thought we were... Skinny dipping..." She said slowly. Apple Bloom seemed to perk up a bit at that as did Button who sat up slightly. She pointed downwards at her. "Ya mean to tell me... Ya'll got nothing under thar?" She blushed and nodded.
Oh no! Anyway...
Scootaloo went over and began to slowly untie her robe. "Not only that, we think your brave for coming out here like this. I should be the one here ready to go skinny dipping, I'm supposed to be the cool one after all." She grinned up at her friend.
: "That's my girl!"
"Maybe he might be willing to share like we do. Sounds like you have a little bit of a crush as well." The Pegasus shook her head. "Nah, just want to take a ride or two on his dick. Sweetie Belle can do whatever else she wants with him."
Button: "Fine by me!"
"Well, I guess we should go..." "You can stay if you want. I don't mind." Button said, surprised at his own words. Apple Bloom regained her senses. "Really? Your cool with us be'in here?"
Well, he is a young stallion and you are two young, beautiful mares. I'm sure he is very cool with that.
Button quickly nodded. Sweetie turned back to him and he smiled at her. "Yeah, I got a big crush on you too. Of your two friends, I think you look the sexiest." Scootaloo clapped her on the shoulder. "You see, told you. Now go be a gracious guest and give him a blow job or something."
Okay, that is fast... It seems Rainbow really rubbed off on her.
Good chapter! I enjoyed reading it.
Small note: I think Button's mom is called "Cream Heart", not "Milano Mash".
Hell yeah, already looking hot from the cover alone!
Kinda want a sequel or two following this group.
11651599
Keep any eye out, I'm planning to work on a follow up chapter this weekend.
That was a pretty hot one dude! 10/10
This was very good, looking forward to that follow up!
This was pretty good, but there could have been a bit more depth to the smut when it got there. A little more foreplay, focusing on how it feels for each of them a bit more. Sorta felt like it was just sort of there and done. But the build up to it was really good.
yep Zelda
11651599
I agree.
11652433
I agree. There should have been a longer foreplay, and Button Mash and Sweetie Belle snogging before moving through the bases until sex in the pool. I was expecting him to get some action from Scootaloo too.
there should be a next episode where the mother leaves for a couple days and all three of the girls and him have a pool party with themselves and have a threesome.
11653048
I'll work with that. Got a second chapter already in the works but may do a bonus afterwards. Saw someone mention pool party for example, I might use that.
this could really use some proofreading. It seems like you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're," or "its" and "it's."
And also, it seems like you don't know when to use "but" instead of "and." there were lots of times when you said "but" -- like "She had small B cups *but* a thin athletic build" -- when you should have used *and,* instead.
Also, if they're supposed to be Anthros, why do they still have hooves?
11653467
Yeah I try to proofread best I can but for some reason I struggle to catch everything. All my proofreaders have become unavailable/unreachable/haven't been on in years. Also yes they are Anthro, so they have hooves instead of feet. I know some anthros will do feet but its all down to preference.
11653358
Marvellous to see. I await eagerly. Will Button and Sweetie attend a pool party thrown by their school-friends, and sneak off for some fun of their own; or will Button be allowed some sex by Scootaloo?
11654250
I haven't started writing that chapter yet, so it will be surprise for the both of us.
Huh… From the description, I didn’t expect so much action in just the first chapter. This is quite good!
11653674
That's normal. You know what you intended to write, so your brain feeds you that instead of going through the effort of decoding what you see.
Oh no!
Anyway...
: "That's my girl!"
Button: "Fine by me!"
Well, he is a young stallion and you are two young, beautiful mares.
I'm sure he is very cool with that.
Okay, that is fast... It seems Rainbow really rubbed off on her.
Good chapter!
I enjoyed reading it.
Small note: I think Button's mom is called "Cream Heart", not "Milano Mash".