Human Rituals
Tips
(10 Months Since Arrival)
Spike and I stood in front of the one ‘foreign’ restaurant in Ponyville. I scratched my head a little at the black and red sign as the last train of the day screamed by. Spike held onto my hair since he was sitting on my right shoulder. I swatted at him a little, then let him slide down my arm as we approached the bouncer.
“Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge,” the lion-bodied bird at the porch said with a snarl. “How tough are ya?!” He leaned at me aggressively, even though I towered over him by several feet.
“I’m a sentient being from another dimension, stay with Princess Sparkle and single-handedly pulled on Celestia’s ears once… and lived to tell the tale.” I snarked, turning to one side like I was a badass or something. The truth was I’d ‘landed’ in front of Celestia, thought I was dead, and eagerly massaged the top of her head with both hands. Being into swords and sorcery books, Dungeons and Dragons and the like, I was sure I was either dreaming or had been hit by a car. The sun princess’ blank stare and quickly wrenching away in shock made her ears turn bright red, for I’d been grasping them when she pulled. The squeal had me surrounded with guards, shouting, and a lot of confusion.
“Alright,” the griffin said, narrowing his eyes and looking down at Spike. “Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge, how tough are ya?” he snapped.
“I… I uhm…” Spike’s claws interlocked and his little frilled ears instantly wilted. “Th-that is,”
“Er-herm,” I interrupted. “Spike doesn’t need an introduction. I’m sure you know dragons like him can swim in lava, break gems with their jaws and breath fire?” I swatted Spike on the back. His jaw clicked and a loud ‘fwik’ sound issued like someone messing with a lighter. The little spark of green flame quickly died as he shot me a dirty look. He hated it when I did that.
“Fair enough,” The bouncer stood aside and we entered.
One might’ve called the Predator’s Lounge a seedy bar or something, but Equestria just didn’t have any concept of it. At least not in innocent little Ponyville. “Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge, how tough are ya?”
“I finished a whole bowl of Luna Stars this morning… without any milk,” said the stallion in line behind us. The bouncer touched his neck with a wince and let him pass. I rolled my eyes and smirked. It was like living in a cartoon sometimes, this place.
Now, obviously I couldn’t sit at a table because of my size, but the heavily painted owner snapped his claws and ordered a big sitting pillow for me instead. (Painting their feathers was the griffon equivalent of tattoos, I think) Spike and I got a sort of party room all to ourselves so I wouldn’t hit my head anywhere. After a quick order of spaghetti and meatballs, we hung out for a while together.
It was no secret I basically needed double or triple the normal portion to be satisfied, so it was always expensive for me to eat out. But Spike and I were buds, so I didn’t mind taking him out for ‘man time’ now and then. “What’s uh… what’s man-time?” Spike wanted to know.
“Y’know, when you leave all the girls behind?”
“Why would you do that?!” Spike gaped.
“Er,” I scratched my head. “Hrm,” I thought for a second. “You know, to tell dirty jokes, talk about who’s got the best butt, drink, all that…?” I trailed off but he wasn’t following. “Would you have a belching contest in front of Rarity?”
“Oh no, never!” Spike said.
“Then you reserve that for man-time,” I said with a laugh.
“Gotcha. All the stuff you wouldn’t do in front of the mares if your life,” he said.
“That’s the ticket,” I said, tilting the soda jug to my lips (size difference, remember). By the time our meal had arrived we were definitely ready for it, and conversation ended for a while. I watched ponies go by in the street through the tinted windows. The Predator’s Lounge was a private sort of place. You could see out, but not in. “Okay, I’ve got this one,” I said, getting my rucksack. “I know I ain’t a cheap date.”
“Hehe!” Spike belched, leaning back and holding his belly. It was a rare thing for him to sit and eat a devoted meal of meat and spices. Fluttershy would provide now and then for his dragon nutrition, but now and then one just needed to indulge.
Counting out four meals worth of bits, I scratched my head again. “Okay, tip. What’s fifteen percent of sixty?” I asked him
Spike frowned, “Uh… nine? Nine-ish?” he tried. It sounded right to me. “How come you’re leaving extra money?”
“For a tip?”
“Advice?” Twilight’s translator band had fritzed again.
“For a gratuity, for good service,” I tried again. Spike stared at me blankly. “Equestria doesn’t have tipping?”
“Well sure if you lean far enough,” Spike said. I facepalmed as my wristband buzzed lightly in negativity.
“No no, I mean like… to give the waiter a little money for a job well done? Speed and accuracy of order?” I said.
“I’ve never seen anypony do that, that’s really nice of you!” Spike said, enthused. “I bet they’d really like that if you just left money on the table to be nice!”
I stopped, hand halfway out of my bit-bag. In some countries, I remembered, tipping was considered an insult. That perhaps paying your staff more would make them better workers, and that they could do better next time. Where I was from, it was expected, since servers were paid so poorly. I hesitated for a time. Equestria had no concept of gratuity at a restaurant at all? “Hrm…” I glanced out of the party room towards the bar. Twilight’s translator band flickered a few times with a dull purple light. The letters and squiggles that made up the Equestrian language rearranged themselves in under three seconds. Must Have Valid ID to Drink. Bathroom for Customers Only. 10% Additional Cost for Parties of 8 or More. “Ah, they do have gratuities here. Might be a griffon thing instead of a pony thing,” I said, feeling a little less guilty now. Spike and I were a party of two, so I could leave a two point five percent tip and have a clear conscious.
Spike stared at me oddly as I considered how many bits that was, then left three golden coins on the table by our empty drink glasses. “You’re weird sometimes, you know that?” he said, smiling. “But I bet they’ll be happy to find money on the table after we’re gone.”
“Call it a habit.” I said, standing and getting my coat. “Outside your family, Spike, there are three people, er ponies, you should always be extra nice to.”
“Oh yeah?” He thanked me for the meal, looking up at my curiously as we got outside again. “Who’s that?”
“Your waiter, your doctor and your bus driver.”
“What’s a bus?”
“Nevermind that,” I chuckled, pulling him up to sit on my shoulder. “Point is, always be extra nice to the folks that touch your food,” I said matter of factly. I let the implication hang in the air.
“Ohh, makes sense,” he said. His tiny body was already going into a little food coma, though. He leaned against my head, claws grasping my hair. By the time we got back to Castle Friendship the poor little guy was asleep. Taking my shoes off and setting them to one side, I ran into Twilight in the main hall. Her little book corner was smeared with papers and other princess-ly things that she worked with all day.
“Hey,” she said softly when she saw Spike sleeping. Using her magic she gently pried him from my head and shoulder, putting him in a blanketed basket next to her big desk. I forgot how small he was, sometimes— it’s hard to gauge Spike’s maturity on his size. “You boys have a good time?” she asked.
“Yeah. Did you like the songs I wrote out for you?” I asked.
“Yes, these are all very nice. Odd, but nice,” Twilight nodded. I noticed the paper on top of the stack with the most markings was ‘I Write Sins Not Tragedies’ by Panic at the Disco. The idea of Twilight reading them aloud for study was frickin' hilarious to me. The purple princess had promised me two bits per complete set of human song lyrics I could write for her. As the ponies were all musical sorts, sometimes breaking into song and dance numbers in the middle of the street, music was a big focus for Twilight’s human studies. So, I’d weighed her down with Garth Brooks, System of a Down, Panic at the Disco and Imagine Dragons. You know, a nice cultural slice of genres. It was definitely profitable for me, and after the local ponies had seen me out in the market, buying things like everypony else, they seemed to relax a bit. I wasn’t just gonna be a mooch on their princess’ dime. Er, bit.
That is just adorable.
What no Beatles, Elvis, or "Wierd Al"?! I mean they all would have been great, especially "Wierd Al", to troll the ponies.
I know how he feel tipping is always an arkward thing to deal with especially if your in a different culture.
6759925
It all depends on what you remember. I'd be SOL because I have a shit memory for songs and the like. 'Sit On My Face' by Monty Python is the only song I explicitly memorized and I might be able to fake my way through some sad, sappy love songs but that's it.
>clear conscious
Conscience
Fyi
I can just imagine him leaving Fuck a dog by Blink 182.
We should all worry if he starts to give the Disney songs...
6759994 o0 Thats a interesting choice for a song name.
Wait, I recognize this username...
TtheWriter?
6760112 Yep that's me.
Yep very valid advice especially in places where people have tendency to spit into the food. Or worse.
This is he first time I've had an explanation of tipping that actually makes sense.
... I don't know if I should find that funny, adorable, insulting or pathetic.
I'll peg it as roughly equivalent to drinking an entire glass of straight Irish whiskey.
6760184
"How tough are ya!?"
"I ate a horse once."
"*meep* Ok, you win."
6760213
"How tough are ya?"
"I used to live in Detroit."
*swoon*
(Not that I ever lived in Zombieland but still ...)
“Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge, how tough are ya?”
Is nobody going to point out that this is a Spongebob reference.
Don't ask me about songs. I would be screwed
While what he is saying technically true, what I think he really meant to say is that he is "sapient". As a science fiction enthusiast, nothing drives me more nuts than the misuse of the two terms.
Here is a good site that has a simplified answer that states the differences between the two words.
But other than that nitpick, I am enjoying these slice of life stories.
6760256
My 88 suburban says "built Flint tough" on the door.
6760278 I don't think we need to.
While technically correct, just about any animal is sentient, what he meant was sapient: the ability to think and reason.
And for those curios on the subject of tipping in America:
(Watch the whole show on Tru tv. It's great)
"Welcome to the predators lounge! How tough are ya?"
"I watch My Little Human Openly"
"Yeah? So?"
"Without skipping the intro"
"U-uhh g-go on in, s-sir!"
6760321 I just gave up, I think the sites banner should be used as a p.s.a for this reason.
6760089 Wait until you read the lyrics to family reunion. It's some meaningful shit.
6760256 "I used to live in Detroit. There, my body was changed to be cybernetic, shining and chrome. Your move, creep."
Would have been funny if a unicorn came there and when asked that, ripped something off like a wash-off able tattoo or a stitched object and slapped it back on upside down.
"How tough am I?" *rips off tattoo and puts it back upside down* "Okay you can pass."
i like this story this is what i want in my human in equestria stories cultural communication
Pinkie Pie walks into a bar. Poking out from her frizzy mane is the familiar spiral shape of a unicorn's horn.
“Welcome to the Predator’s Lounge. How tough are ya?!”
Pinkie slowly raises a hoof to her head. There is a resounding CRACK as the horn snaps free. With a flick of her hoof, she pops it into her mouth and starts to chew. The crunching sound fills every corner of the suddenly silent bar. Each crunch draws a flinch from every unicorn in the room.
Pinkie Pie swallows. Several unicorns faint.
The nervous bouncer says, "Uh, g-go right in."
"Gee, thanks! Want some rock candy?"
I'm a theoretical physicist.
Yeah, so?
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/deadliestfiction/images/8/8f/Gordan_freeman.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110722192340
Uh, right this way, sir.
6754263 What is the title? sounds like something i'd love read!
6759925 Yeah, I can only imagine Twilight would love Wierd Al's "Word Crime's". She'd probably try and make it mandatory to listen to it in the Equestrian education system.
For the chapter, it's nice to just read a well written simple story like this. Simple and sweet.
If he were black (as I am) he could totally game the system with "My Na" (even though I absolutely loathe that song with all my blackness).
congrats on the feature
676012 Huh, cool. Didn't know you were a brony. I mean, I had guessed, I saw your Applejack figurine. Ah well, nice to meet you, then :)
6760732
Don't forget that she never break eye contact, no blinking.
ponyfac.es/content/faces/05fc5dae.gif
Soo.. i picture this, but a horn and ponies around are freaking the hell out.
.. next time she'll bring a marshmallow shaped like a life-sized pony full of raspberry jam.
6761322
It makes sense enough if you just explain it as the translation spell giving you the meaning the speaker thinks it has, not the consensus or etymological meaning. If the guy doesn't know the meaning of his own name (which a lot of people don't) then that would naturally not give you anything to translate.
"What I've Become" is an excellent story that does it very well with its own method, though, and also pretty funny at times. I recommend it very much.
6761496
I know the meaning of my name... and how retardedly popular it is
Nice chapter with a nice bit of Spike time, although not much really happens to really develop the story here. Then again, a little bit of world development goes down, so its all good. Have to say, I would really love to see his reaction the first time a spontaneous song erupted in Ponyville.
HiddenMaster out.
6761745
So do I, but because it sounds ludicrously badass when it's translated, nobody ever believes me when I tell them what it is.
6762179
6760805
Furthermore, Twilight thinks that learning grammar is fun. Which would make that . . .
i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/sfx29cartavgs2wjcfin.jpg
i watched the going Mary burn, jack die, and old yeller get shot without even blinking
sorry go right in
And I'm suddenly thinking about Twilight's reaction to 'Detachable Penis' by King Missile.
i love you
6759914 *poofy catbird noise*
6762476
I AM AN IMPERIALISTIC SPACE WARLORD WHO HAS CHALLENGED THE LORDS OF TIME AND SPACE, AND SURVIVED EVEN THEIR GREATEST CHAMPION! I HAVE EXTERMINATED WHOLE CIVILIZATIONS! IS THIS SUFFICIENT TO ENTER?
Er… go right ahead…
*Boops the griffin's beak
"I don't need to introduce Spike Umbrumbane, the son of Twilight Sparkle Centaurbane, Conqueror of Nightmares, do I? The being who killed Sombra the Black? The Liberator of the Crystal Empire? He's got what it takes, little Gryphon. He's got more than you can possibly imagine!"
6762647 Imagine giving her anything by Dos Gringos.