The Three Sisters: Like Fudge
By Wanderer D
Chapter 9: This Shouldn’t Be Happening Right Now
Shining Armor frowned as he read the report he had picked up. It seemed the wolf clans further north insisted on crossing the borders of the Crystal Empire, claiming that it was their own now, and that the ponies of the Empire had no claim after a thousand-year absence.
Except that, while the Empire had disappeared, the borders had remained the same and it had been impossible for anypony—or wolf, for that matter—to cross them. This required immediate attention, as ignoring them would be a definitive sign of weakness… in the wolves’ eyes.
Not that they could actually win an all-out fight against the ponies, but it would definitely be inconvenient.
Shining Armor massaged his forehead. “Sombra really made a long-lasting mess,” he muttered. Shaking his head, he looked up. “Emerald Dawn!”
The door to his office opened and a green-tinted female crystal pony looked in. “Yes, your highness?”
“Where’s Flash Sentry? He made friends with that Wolf merchant not to long ago, something about him wanting to be a lone-wolf with a guitar... I think I can use him for something important.”
Emerald Dawn blinked. “Um, he hasn’t returned from the last mission your highness requested of him.”
Shining Armor’s face went blank. “What mission?”
“Sir, I am pleased to inform that the Bakers Guild is at your full disposal and are eagerly baking the large order Sir requested, and putting everything else on hold, as directed.”
“Radical!” Shining Armor exclaimed, as they walked down the halls of the Crystal Castle. “This will be such a totally awesome event! I can’t wait!”
“Indeed, Sir.”
“Why, I—” Shining Armor stopped speaking when he, along with his obsequious friend, were surrounded by a light-blue magical aura and dragged into a side room, with the door slamming shut and barred behind them. “Whoa, totally uncalled for!”
“What. Have. You. Done.” Shining Armor asked in a slow and very controlled tone of voice.
“Chill bro,” Shining Armor replied, cheerfully raising his hoof to salute. “I totally did what was requested!”
“Quite right, Sir.”
“You, Mercury Cut,” Shining Armor pointed his arm at the obsequious pony, “Shut up. And you,” he turned to look at Shining Armor. “You had one job, Green Darner. One job: To make sure that whatever place we settled Princess Acari in, would be at least adequate for a Changeling Princess.”
“I totally did!” Shining Armor said, bursting into green flames and revealing a changeling with green, gossamer wings and green-blue eyes. “She’ll be totally comfortable in the rooms across from yours and her Empress Cadance.”
Shining gritted his teeth. “You realize that Cadance will not appreciate having Acari stay just across from our rooms when her mother had her trapped in the crystal caverns for weeks, right?”
“It’s totally cool,” Green Darner assured him. “Princess Acari will not mind.”
“Prin—” Shining Armor sputtered. “She… okay, that can be spun into something Cadance can tolerate. I think. I’ll have to do some talking… but I have another question, where is Flash Sentry?”
“Oh, I have no idea,” Green Darner replied, shrugging. “Probably still in the Balrog Kingdom’s Torture Chambers.”
Shining Armor remained still, having closed his eyes instinctively when Green Darner’s words had emerged. He took a deep, calming breath.
Princess Cadance was walking down the hall when the shouting had began from one of the rooms, reverberating through the whole structure of the castle. Whoever was causing such a ruckus was really, really angry.
She knocked on the door where the noise was coming from, and was promptly ignored. So she knocked again, harder. The shouts within continued, although now that she was really close to the origin, she could make out the sound of the angry voice.
“Shiny?” she called loudly, knocking on the door. “Open the door! What’s going on in there?”
When she was ignored yet again, she growled and lit up her horn, using her magic to slam the door open, barely registering a slight green flash of light from within.
“Shining!” She gasped, when she found her husband choking a pegasus pony guard. “Let that guard go!”
Shining cringed, turning to look at her with panicked eyes and letting his victim fall to the floor. “H-honey!” He smiled. “What brings you in? T-today?”
“You were shouting.” Princess Cadance stepped into the room, looking around and nodding at Mercury Cut before turning to look at her husband. “What is going on?”
“Um… training.”
Cadance frowned. “Do you usually train your guards by choking them to death?”
Shining cringed once more. “No. Sorry, honey, I was just trying to drive a point through.”
“Oh, and what point would that be?”
When Shining Armor didn't immediately respond, she turned to look at Mercury Cut. “What point would that be, Mercury?”
“I believe Sir would be referencing the invitation Captain Green Darner extended to the Balrog Kingdom to come over for a party with the full authority of Emperor Armor. Which of course, the Balrog King accepted.”
“YOU WHAT?!” Shining Armor shouted.
“HE WHAT?!” Cadance shouted, turning to look at her husband with barely constrained fury. “The Deer delegation is arriving in a couple of days!”
“You sent Flash Sentry to their torture chambers?!” Shining Armor asked, incredulously. “Just so you could invite them to party!? Here?!”
Shining Armor and Cadance both raised their hooves to the air. “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”
“Chill, dudes!” Green Darner said, grinning. “The Balrogs are like, totally awesome dudes.”
“Legends describe them as demons made of fire and ash!” Shining Armor stated.
“They fed ponies to the Windigos!” Cadance added.
“They partied like animals, drank a lot and practiced sport with the aid of the slaves, back in Sombra’s day,” Mercury added helpfully.
“They were at war with the Deer for a thousand years or more!”
“You sent a pony to their torture chambers!”
Flash Sentry sipped some tea, sinking back into the sofa and admiring the art on the walls of the room where he had been taken to… suffer.
The soft, instrumental music provided a soothing background effect that made him feel all relaxed.
He leaned forward to pick up the daily news from Equestria. “Huh, I was totally not expecting this,” he muttered, glancing around before settling back and beginning to read. “I guess the word ‘suffer’ has a different meaning to these guys.”
“I want my soldier back!” Shining Armor barked. “And in one piece!”
“We can’t receive the Balrogs on the same week that the Deer are coming! You have to stop them!”
“If madam would permit,” Mercury Cut cut in, “I would be remiss to not point out that the Balrog Kingdom will not take a cancelled invitation on behalf of the Deer as a good sign, and might take severe offense at this act.”
Cadance growled and glared at her husband, before taking a deep breath, bringing her hoof to the chest and extending it as she released the air slowly. Nodding to herself, she glanced at Shining Armor. “Shining.”
Shining Armor cringed. “Yes, dear?”
“You will make this work, somehow, am I clear?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Good.” Cadance turned around and headed out the room. “Now, I am off to my chambers to sink my face in a pillow and rage for the next hour.” She raised an eyebrow. “If you three value your health, you will not interrupt me.”
“Yes, your highness.” Mercury Cut bowed.
“Absolutely!” Green Darner nodded, bowing soon after.
“Y-yes, honey.” Shining Armor stammered.
They waited in silence as she left, and Shining Armor could only begin to wonder how to make the best of the situation and fix everything.
“Dude,” Green Darner shook his head. “You really made her angry.”
Shining Armor took another, calming, deep breath… cast a silencing spell around the room and shut the door.
o.0.o End Chapter 9 o.0.o
And so Prince Dude Bro Shining is explained.
Now I'm really curious if the balrogs have been unjustly vilified, changed their ways in the last thousand years, or just have really odd customs before torture...
balrogs
Oh yea, let the choking recommence.
So I guess it wasn't Shining Armor that invited the Balrogs. But rather this darter fellow.
he dead
Whoops.
ok, changelings are awesome and that was exactly why they are awesome!
And that Shining, is why you try to get to know your changeling before you start trying to use them to spread your workload.
Kinda sucks that you had reveal the twist before you wanted to, but if it's for the cause of getting some people to shut-up then I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.
That explains a lot of things. At least Flash isn't suffering.
5001680 One word: Yugopotamians.
5001680 The Balrog method of torture is sending ponies to the spa to get pampered. Calling it now.
I don't know who Green Darner is other than some changeling that got added it.
I am quite confused as to what is going on. Too bad Flash isn't suffering.
Green Darner... He's totally clueless.
5001680 The guy is stuck in a waiting room. Some people would call that hell.
5002038
Shining Armor is having Green Darner take his place for tasks that Shiny doesn't care for. In this case, it was surveying the 'accommodations' (dungeon) that was going to be used for Acari's visit.
Darner, being a total dudebro, heard about the Balrogs being party animals and thought 'wow, we should totes invite them over to party'. He also ordered someone to get the room right across from the royal couple ready for Acari, because being a changeling himself, he thought Acari should have a nice room. He completely failed to think about Cadance's fear of changelings (or the coming deer diplomatic mission, for that matter).
Shining Armor is now throttling Green Darner for causing imminent disaster.
What's hard to understand?
5002209
That made much more sense. All the fuckery that has been going on is continuing to mess me up. Least Acari got good rooms, Cadance deals with seeing Crystal Ponies all the time and she fears them, how much worse could a changeling princess be?
5002209
Why Shining Armor even has a Changeling body double in the first place, given his wife's issues. Granted, I for one am taking it in stride, but it does raise the question of "What the bucking Tartarus is he doing on the pay roll in the first place?!?". Hopefully it will be explained at some point. ...if he's still breathing at the start of the next chapter, that is.
5002549
Correction: It was stated that she fears the architecture. It was never stated that she had any issues with her subjects.
Heh, that Flash Sentry scene...
5002582 Pesumably any changeling would be able to stand in for him and having no changelings could be seen as sending the wrong message. Think it's been stated she's afraid of crystals and that includes the ponies.
*The balrog delegation arrives*
Shining: Welcome to the Crystal Empire, as a bit of fun before we get to the real entertainment, I've organized a bit of sport: wolf hunting!
Balrogs: Awesome! Let's go get some pelts!
Deer: Hey, can we get in on this, they keep raiding us!
Wolves: OH SH**
End result: successful peace treaty and everyone leaves happy, plus Shining Armor gets admitted to the hospital for a broken pelvis and exhaustion from Snu Snu. Then Nurse Cadence struts in to give him some Tender Loving Care.
AcarI: Ack... to much love... does she never stop? I'm going to be bloated for years!!!!!!
Random changelings: so full!!!
5002014
That's probably pretty damn funny... Flash comes back, hooves are buffed, mane's styled, coat's brushed...
"Dude! Are you okay?!"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"You were getting tortured, weren't you? You're just trying to hide-"
"Captain? I think the definition of 'torture' on their end has drastically changed. I basically got sent to a spa for three weeks. Full recommendation for all the troops to get THAT treatment at least every other month. I haven't been this relaxed in years!"
5002791
I would love to see that happen! Even if it's just a dream that Shining Armor has before the shit hits the fan for real, it would be awesome!
5002864
If he comes back with hoof polish, lipstick, and his hair styled I'm going to die laughing.
This is going to be an interesting get together. I know it's going to turn out humorous somehow and I'm looking forward to it.
...wait didn't somepony take a deer home as a pet in one episode? lol.
5002594
chapter 8
Is it bad that I want to strangle that changeling alongside Shining Armor?
5003057
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140217121551/mlp/images/a/a7/Fluttershy_walking_with_Angel_on_her_back_S4E14.png
Yep, deer were in the pet donation cage along with kitties, a ferret, and some weird jumping mice looking things. Of course Equestria's treatment of non-ponies has always been odd / accepted, symbiotic slavery [talking about Cows and Sheep].
5003057
...fair enough.
Was there ever any clue to Shining being a changelling? (apart from acting like an idiot) Because I'm really confused right about now.
5003031
"So... had a good time?"
"Uh... yes?"
"... We need to have a talk, Flash..."
"Yes Captain..."
Oh, dear. This will not end well. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
...All right, then. Still kind of a dumbass move on Shining's part (wait, wasn't I defending the chapter?).
Was there originally going to be more of dudebro!Shining or was this just going to come after what will now be the next couple chapters?
Because nobody else seems to be doing it...
So, it appears that the impersonation—let alone what happened while impersonating—was completely the idea of Green Darner, and Mercury Cut cheerfully went along the whole way. I look forward to finding out why those two are in the position that they are apparently in, which is to say, in any unsupervised position of responsibility at all. The general tenor of their activities can't be unprecedented, though the scale may be. Unless, that is, you wanna go with "this is a comedy so those kinds of guys are just in the position they are in".
Well that makes sense.
I apologize for my part of that mess, I should have remembered you are a better author than that.
5003498
You have killed me. Darn you, laughter.
5002014
Well, to a creature made of hellfire and brimstone, being stuck in a rather plush, and boring, room with soft music playing might be torture. And just imagine being dunked into a nice soothing bath and having mud applied to your face in the wake of a gentle massage! Do you know what mud and water do to a demon's inner fire?!
THE HORROR!
So, because people are whiny babies, you had to mess up a great joke
5002209
And causing him to have to sleep on the couch for a few days
Looks like Flash is a bit of a masochist. Totally unfit for royal guard duty.
Oh, that's a relief, it was just Green Darner instead of Shining. Now, Darner just needs to keep his mouth shut the rest of the story, preferably with Armor having him in a choke hold.
Huh, first time I've every really despised an OC while enjoying the rest of the story.
5003149 The deer are almost certainly not a society in canon Equestria. If that was ever going to be 'a thing' at some point long ago in the planning stages, it has gone to the wayside in the discard pile.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrf3swXYhN1qer4ag.jpg
Okay, this actually makes sense
5002594
Looks like Talon picked out the stuff I was going to quote. Damn, too slow!
5001910
You realise that forevermore I'm going to be reading Green Darner's dialogue in Mark Chang's voice, don't you?
5005237 Huh? Nonononono the balrogs are Yugopotamians. Green Darner is just an idiot.
Well, you dun goofed.
Shining, this is why you NEVER put full authority into someone when it comes to stuff this important
4994432 This comment still stands. The joke still requires the reader to infer that it's genuinely Shining Armour acting that way, and infer that Flash actually got maimed.. Which isn't practical, as doing so pretty clearly exceeds the suspension of disbelief. Like I said, bait-and-switch.
Hmn, well that explains things. Pity the build-up to the joke got spoiled.
5005470 I'm not changing it. That's how it is. The suspension of disbelief was a required part of it. You are also expected to assume that Flash Sentry got sent to the Torture Chambers. That's the intention. At no point did I actually say he was maimed.
5003608 that was exactly what I thought of on reading about Flash's "torture", I was going to make a comment about him getting the Comfy Chair but you beat me to it
So wait... the Shining Armor from the last chapter was actually some other dude in disguise? I think I'm a bit confused