Two hours went by before Star Shadow had gotten over his sick spell. His head still hurt but he was not falling over or anything anymore so that was a good thing. He even went to the Doctors and they give him a clean bill of health saying the only thing he had wrong with him was magic fatigue. He had no idea why he would have that, he had forgotten all about the night before just remembering how he thought the night sky was somehow sadder than normal. The doctors however gave him some medicine that would allow him to regain some of his magical reserves until he achieved his full strength back and released so that he could go to work. He had the doctors give him a slip for his boss before leaving.
“Dude I've never seen you so beat, what did you do last night, move the stars?” Two Scoops laughed at his own joke, but Star Shadow only sighed shaking his head.
“I can’t remember what happened last night. I only remember looking at the sky and thinking it felt sad, and then waking up this morning with you jabbing me in the ribs; which still kind of hurts by the way.” He looked at Scoops who was eyeing several mares at the ice cream shop. They were all on about Hearts and Hooves day, it was only a few weeks away after all, he had also half heard, not really listening, something about the stars?
Star Shadow just shook his head and entered into the shop leaving Scoops behind with his ogling. When he finally snapped out of his filly entrancement Scoops made his way into the shop as well.
YOU ARE BOTH LATE!
This caused both of them to flinch though Stars flinch was because the screech made his head pound once more.
“Oh, hey boss. There is a good explanation for that… You see…” Two Scoops interrupted.
“I don’t care if the moon was crashing down into the very heart of Ponyville; you best be on time tomorrow else you're FIRED!” Yelled a rather angry looking stallion with a large gut. He was a white unicorn with a twisted ice cream in a cone for a Cutie Mark and wore a white paper hat on his head of golden hair..
“Calm down Soft, we where at the hospital.” Star Shadow walked up hoofed the boss his slip from the doctor. Soft Serve ripped it away from the stallion and looked it over eyeing them both.
“Fine. Get behind the counter, Scoops deal the ice cream and Star; make some cones the rush starts in under an hour.” Soft Serve huffed turning away from the two and making his way out of the room into the back.
“He can be such a pain sometimes…”
“Yeah Scoops I know… But it’s only if we slip up at work.” Star put a hoof to his head with a groan before turning. “Let’s get to work…”
Soft Serve was right, right on the hour an entire herd of ponies entered the ice cream parlor. Two Scoops was doing tricks, pony would order, and he would grab a cone or a paper bowl and begin serving ice cream. He flipped the scoops though the air rolling the ice cream into balls, flipping the scoops end over end with the ice cream still in the scoop, turning and catching it behind his back before flicking it up launching the ice cream ball up over his head and into the waiting cup or cone nearby. It was impressive and the waiting ponies all stomped their hooves at the show.
Scoops served the ice cream and took another order. Star sighed finishing up with making waffle cones and begin taking orders to help things move along. After two hours of this Star wore himself out, while Scoops was still flipping the scoops around like some crazed juggler pony.
“Where do you get the energy?” Star complained at his friend who was now balancing a scoop on his muzzle.
Two Scoops flipped the scoop up and placed it back into a nearby trough of warm water. “I’m a work pony; you should know that -- Also earth ponies have a much better stamina than most.”
Star Shadow huffed at this.
“U-Um… H-Hello…. “Came a squeaky voice from the other side of the counter. Star and Scoops leaned their heads over to spot a green filly, no older than six with a light green mane with a dark green coat and no cutie mark, the small child was looking rather sad.
“Oh, Hello!” Scoops hollered out causing the filly to flinch. Star placed a hoof on his friends muzzle and pushed his head back behind the counter.
Sorry about my friend, he gets a little… hyper at work; how might I help you young lady? Star said calmly while looking at the child.
“Um. I.” She trailed off looking down at her hooves where there appeared to be ice cream sticking to them though there was no sign on any on her face or anywhere else.
“Hmm… You know darlin… Today I’m running a special little green filly gets a free ice cream first come first serve.” Star Shadow smiled at the filly.
“R-really?” She sniffed looking up at him with tears in her eyes while wiping her nose with the back of her hoof.
“Yes…” He nodded firmly… “So, what type of flavor would you like?”
“VANILLA!” She cried aloud happily; now smiling and hopping in place.
“Okay!” He turned to scoops. “One Vanilla ice cream if you will Scoops!”
Scoops moved around grabbing the scoop up and flipping it into the air before diving it down into the bin where the Vanilla lay within. He whipped around the scoop turning the ice cream within into a sweet smooth orb of sugary goodness. After just a moment, and two tricks later, the ice cream was, placed upon the counter. Star Shadow lifted it with his magic, which was still a little shaky but handed it to the little filly gently. She took it in her hoof and smiled!
“THANK YOU!” She trotted away happily, holding the ice cream cup in her teeth with a single hoof under the bottom to make sure it did't fall… “Look mom that nice stallion gave me a free ice cream! He said, it was give a green filly an ice cream day and it could only be gave to one! And I got it!” she cried out happily. Her mother looked over at Scoops and smiled mouthing a thank you to him. He tilted his hat to them.
“You know Star… They think I did that…”
Star Shadow sighed and placed some bits within the register before speaking. “It’s fine.” A small whimper sounded from behind them and they turned to see Soft Serve using his hat to wipe away his tears…
“That was the nicest thing I’ve ever seen… I was going to be all mad at you for giving away ice cream but since you paid for it…” Soft Serve wrapped his forelegs around Star Shadow and it felt as if his spine was going to snap, Soft was amazingly strong for a Unicorn, this also did not make his head feel any better either, as it began to pound once more as the correlation was cut off from the rest of his body.
It was a long day, and by the time they had clocked out from work the sun was already on its way down, they went and picked up some take out: hay burgers with hay fries; and made their way back to the apartment they share. They ate their food and made their way to bed, well Two Scoops did, Star Shadow always liked to spend a few hours gazing at the night sky before heading in for the night.
It was a good night. It was not too cold as it was the night before, and the night sky was clear of clouds tonight. He gazed upon the stars in the sky just watching them shimmer; they had not changed much from the night before, but they were still beautiful all the same.
As the moon rose into the sky above him, now coming into view from behind where his home, the light casts out all over Ponyville, bathing the land in a blue glow. Star took a deep breath looking out across the land as the moon's rays brightens it. He looked up at the moon, and after a moment, his eyes widened.
The moon, hanging gracefully within the night sky; a heart created from the stars themselves encasing its splendor.
4235676 Thank you Puzzle Piece for your replay!
I'll have to go back though and see what I can do to make the first two chapters a better read later on... As of right now I think I mite get back into the story. If I can. Its been sevreal months since i've wrote my last chapter.
I to was highly discuraged by the fact that all of my hard work got so much negitive attention. It is mainly why I ended up stopping for a while.
I will see what I can do to further my writing and get better at it. I have never been very good at Spelling or Puntuation. English is my native tounge but it does not mean I'm good at it lol...
I have stories flowing about within my mind. Not all of them will be good but I'll try to get them out there for others to enjoy all the same.
Thanks again for your replay it really does mean a lost to me.
4250992 Wow, This is good info.. I'll have to look over it later, most likley this weekend and try to fix some of the errors and things...
Thanks again man! Your post really helps me out a lot and so does others
Now that I am getting replays I mite just get back into this and see what I can do for more chapters. It mite still be a bit but I'm hoping to have atleast another chapter. I had never plained on this story to be that long to begin with but it was most enjoyable to create.
PS: That Music... Awesome!
4237513 I won't bother fixing your comment, just this: Reply
Okay, "How's chapter 2?" you might ask.
Well, it's good, just like what I expected. But that's it, didn't go beyond my expectation. Still hooked though!
I can find even more grammatical errors and wrong uses of letter capitalization. Please, remember that stories must be written in past tense. I believe something is off in the first sentence: Two hours went by before Star Shadow had gotten over his sick spell.
Now, just like what I did with my previous comment-review, I will list the errors you made So, here we go:
1. Capitalization:
- the Doctors (Whooves much? Also, use "a" instead of "the". And please don't say "a doctors"...)
- the Ice Cream shop (Just like the mistake you made up there, use "a" instead of "the". You can only use it if you had mentioned that the ice cream shop is their workplace)
- The Mares
- Hearts and Hooves day, It was only
- begin serving Ice Cream (Damn Fox, are those Ice Creams trademarked? )
- served the Ice Cream and (...they are?)
- to spot a Green Filly
- “One Vanilla Ice Cream if you will Scoops!” (Great, now I can't make Ice Creams 'cause they're trademarked)
- where the Vanilla lay (Right..)
- The Moon (Uh.. Were you referring to Luna? )
2. Punctuation (I didn't pay too much attention for these as I have difficulties with them as well):
- last night move the stars? (Where's the coma?)
- and, he would grab a cone
- wore himself, out
- “Came a squeaky voice (Oh Celestia, did you break your Space Bar? )
- Sorry about my friend, he gets a little… Hyper at work. How might I help you young lady? (Mr. Q. Mark went to the toilet)
3. Grammatical (And others):
- they give him
- Dude I never seen (Insert "have" between "I" and "never")
- He looks (He looked)
- the mares (Don't use "a" or "the", because there's more than one of them and you're not referring to a character)
- Star Shadow just shook his head and entered into the shop (The use of "the" isn't wrong here, but you should have mentioned that the ice cream shop was their workplace. You must.)
- we was
- ponies entered into the
- into the awaiting cup (Use "waiting" instead)
- Where do you
- You know darlin… (Applejack much?)
- “VANELLA!” (Intentional?)
- to make sure it did not fall (Okay, maybe enough past tense )
- stallion give me (Never mind)
- They eat the food
- hanging high overhead of his home (Can't tell the mistake here )
- moons rays ( )
Okay, Fox, what was going on there? What's with the downgrade? There's a lot of errors here..
But please look at the bright side, the story is not bad at all. Just fix your mistakes, and learn from it!
Also, now I understand why you named him Two Scoops. You smart bastard!
CAN'T WAIT FOR THE THIRD!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJneTwffqsY
EDIT: Dear Celestia, that was one heck of a comment..
Second Chapter goes!! Woohoo!!
Pretty awesome, a lot of grammar stuff, but the story is going well
I would help you whit the grammar, but... well, I know how to read english, but I don't know too much about writting.
Third Chapter, I'm coming for you !!!