Up in Hay

The golden dawn broke over the eastern horizon, back lighting the great mountain with an aura of majesty that took one’s breath away with its beauty, and casting a long shadow westward across the river valley below. Sheltered in the blanket of shadow the grand city of Canterlot nestled high upon the massive natural edifice of the mountainside like a babe in its mother’s hooves. Home to the high seat of the unicorns, and later the alicorn diarchy of Princesses Celestia and Luna. Now again the great city basked in the afterglow of another coronation, Princess Twilight Sparkle had been anointed before the masses and all was good in the world.

“Ahhhhhhh!”

Two voices echoed off the walls of the city and valley before being cut off by the deflating “Uhmph!” of the landing as the latest two occupants of the holding cell of the Royal Canterlot Constabulary were unceremoniously ejected from the city by way of the city’s northern gate.

“And stay out!” the white coated unicorn guard barked from beneath the arch of the city gate beside his equally stark white pegasus companion. “If you are ever found again within these walls, I’ll personally see that the princesses have you deported back to Celsetiajuana!”

“Hey buddy,” the short reddish-brown burro yelled back at the two guard ponies as he picked himself up off the dusty road, knocking the dirt from his poncho before picking up his sombrero, “just talk to my cousin Dave, he knows the Princesses personally!”

"Dave?" the pegasus guard replied.

"Yeah, Dave." The burro answered.

“Dave’s not here!” the unicorn called back before the pair of guards cantered off to resume their posts, laughing at the absurd name.

“Deport me,” grumbled the burro from under the massive hairy black caterpillar that purported itself as a mustache before turning back to yell after the departing guards “I was born in East El-Hay, that’s on the Equestrian side of the boarder!”

“Wow Screech! Your cousin knows the Princesses?”

The burro turned to look at his roadside companion, a bespectacled light blue-grey pony with a tie-dyed bandana holding back a long charcoal mane, and a peculiar a green leaf and water pipe for a cutie mark, who was now just pulling himself to his haunches.

“Not really,” the burro quipped in reply to the pony’s question, “Princess Celestia’s nephew hired him under the table as a gardener.”

“So, you cousin’s good with ‘grass’, man?” the light blue-grey earth pony’s eyes grew glassy at the word ‘grass’.

“Naw, but it was either that or work at a taco cart on the corner of Santa Mane’ica and La Brea.”

“Wow! Your cousin’s got two special talents?” beamed the pony as he hoisted his battered saddlebags across his back. “That’s awesome man! He must have some kind of totally rad’ cutie mark if he’s got two special talents.”

“Wha … ?” the burro started to respond before finishing, “My cousin’s a jackass, Bong.”

“Hey man, he can’t be that bad if he’s got a cutie mark for two talents man.”

“Aw, shut up.” Screech changed the subject, “You’re the one who got us thrown in the dungeon anyway. Just when I was starting to make some headway with Maria and her sister Juanita too.”

“How’d I do that man?” Bong’s expression looked like he couldn’t even quite remember his own name as he spoke.

“You tried to buy some speed off of that blue pegasus with the rainbow hair at the party, and she ratted you out to the guards.”

“Oh, riighht man,” the dazed pony drawled, “you saw that hair too? I thought I was tripping acid when I saw that man, but somepony said she had the most speed of anypony there, and I was all out too.”

“You was outta speed?”

“Yeah, and I didn’t have any with me man, and I accidentally gave all my extra acid to that purple unicorn in the yellow dress with the wings on it.”

“You did what?” the burro’s jaw dropped at the pony’s revelation.

“Yeah, she was looking kinda nervous standing over by the balcony, and I heard her say she was trying to calm down. So I gave her some stuff, I thought it was downers, or maybe aspirin, but then I remembered it was acid, but she'd already taken the lot of it so it didn't matter.”

“You gave the purple unicorn with wings acid!?”

“Yeah, but it’s cool man, she said ‘everything’s gonna be fine’ man.”

The frustrated burro let out a small sigh of relief at his companions remark. “She really said that dude?”

“Yeah man, she did.” Bong replied confidently. “Right after she jumped off the balcony.”

“She did WHAT?!” The burro was going into full blow freak-out mode right now, some pony he’d only known for a few months had given Equestria’s newest alicorn acid, and said alicorn then proceeded to jump off the ballroom balcony.

“Yeah, she ate the most acid I’ve ever seen anypony eat, ever!” Bong continued, “I mean, she was flying man.”

All the burro could manage was, “Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man.”

Totally unfazed by the mentally collapsing burro beside him Bong rambled on.

“You know Screech, I figured that Princess Coronado’s Twilight Spark-up party would've had a lot more weed around, but there wasn’t any. I mean how do you have a spark'em up party when there's nothing to spark up?” The pony admitted.

“What?” the burro looked hard at his pony companion as if to make sure he hadn’t just grown a second head, “It was Princess Twilight Sparkle! And it was her coronation!”

“It was, man?”

“Aye Carrumba!” Screech rolled his eyes as he started walking down the road away from the city. “Yes! And you got her tripping balls on acid, and she jumped off the bucking balcony she was flying so fucking high!”

“Oh.” The earth pony shrugged off the burro’s verbal barrage, “Don’t worry man, that was good acid, I doubt she’ll remember anything, or even how to fly at all, when that stuff wears off, trust me man.”

“Hey man,” the earth pony called out as he trotted quickly to catch up to the burro, “where y’ going?”

“Madre de la Luna.” Grumbled the burro under his breath, the brain addled earth pony finally becoming almost too much to bear, before addressing the pony directly. “This way.”

After several long minutes plodding down the high mountain road that connected the capitol to the river valley below, Bong finally broke the silence.

“You seem up tight man.”

“No shit.”

“Yeah man.”

An inaudible grumble was all the response the burro bothered to give.

“Hey, maybe I’ve got something in my saddlebags man!” Bong offered as he stopped to rummage through them.

“D’you know what ‘confiscated’ means, Bong?”

“Whoa!” came the muffled exaltation from the bottom of the saddlebag. “If it means they left the good shit behind, yeah!”

“What the fuck are you talking about …” The burro began as the pony’s head emerged from the saddlebag, a massive hoof rolled joint between his teeth. “Aye Chihuahua! What is that thing man?”

“The good shit man!” the pony said transferring the joint mouth to hoof before grabbing a lighter from the pack with his teeth.

“Whoa, that gotta be like a quarter-pounder Bong.”

“Yeah, I know man, and its good shit too.”

“So why did the guards leave it?”

“Beats me Screech. Now you wanna get high or what?”

“Hey, I ain’t the kind of burro who looks a gift pony in the mouth. Spark it up!”

Several minutes and long tokes further down the road, Screech was getting curious, not to mention totally baked, as was his pony pal.

“Hey Bong, what’s in this shit?” the now red-eyed burrow said as he passed the half smoked uber-joint to the pony beside him.

“Mostly southern B.C. sensimilla, but its got some Labrador in it.”

“Labra-what?” Screech furrowed his brow, he’d smoked a lot of herb in his day, Acapulcolt gold, Hoofwaii Maui-Wowie, this Labra-whatever shit he’d never heard of.

“Labrador.”

“Yeah, but what the fuck’s Labrador?”

“It’s dog shit man.”

Screech’s face blanked totally at the revelation.

“Dog shit?”

“Yeah, a while ago my dog ate my stash,” Bong explained nonchalantly, “and I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days to get it back man. But it’s really good shit man.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Screech had to concur; it was good shit, and a lot of it.

As they continued there trek from the white castles of Canterlot, toking the literal shit as they did, Bong felt a need to ask something of his little ass of a friend.

“So where ‘are’ we going man?”

“How am I suppose to know? Old McDoobie’s farm maybe?”

“Cool man,” the earth pony’s voice perked up the mention of the familiar farm. “I know that place, my cousin lives not too far from there. We can crash at his place.”

“Really man?” the burro felt pleased for an idea he wasn’t sure he had, “Your cousin?”

“Yeah man,” Bong smiled broadly as he spoke, brain altering fumes drifting from his nostrils, “my cousin Leo runs the Photo Hut in Ponyville! You’ll like him a lot, Screech.”

“Really Bong?”

“Yeah man, he’s a lot like me.” The earth pony affirmed with pride. “By the way man, you told me how I got thrown out of the party man, why’d they kick you out?”

“Oh,” the bombastically baked brown burro began, grinning wider through the haze of memory, “it might have something to do with me slapping Princess Luna’s flank and telling her I wouldn’t mind being banished to ‘that moon’ for a thousand years …”