The last chapter you'll read before suiciding
Vinyl grabbed the toothbrush that Colgate gave her for her birthday and shoved it up her anus. As she felt a climax, she erupted in a fecal explosion, causing small children in the neighborhood to go deaf from the mere amplitude and from the boners that they got. This was probably the most arousing story that had ever happened in Equestria, but sadly, this isn’t that story. This is your story.
You finish a long day of work and walk to your apartment downtown. As you walk, you see a shooting star and make a wish, a wish that something new and exciting would happen in your life. Your life had always been full of the same old drabble: get up, go to work, come home and play your crappy video games before going to bed. You still have hope that that shooting star would make a difference, though, and not even two blocks later, something comes crashing down to the pavement. As you look onward to see what has just happened, you see this blonde-maned pony recovering from a flight mishap. It has a gray coat, a pair of wings coming out its side and a picture of some bubbles on the side of its body.
"Are you OK?" You ask it like a retard. It’s a friggin horse and obviously can’t talk.
"No," she responds tearfully. Wow. You lucked out of that one, faggot. "I just wanna go back home."
"Well where is home for you?" you ask.
"I just don't know anymore."
You decide to take a walk with the pony, bringing it back to your place. You still aren’t sure what’s going to happen. Hopefully it doesn’t try eating your carpet. Who knows, though? Maybe you’re desperate enough from not being in a stable relationship for like a friggin year and a half that you might actually try to have sex with it (lol @ stable relationship). You don’t even care if she wants it at this point. You might as well be dreaming. Your social life isn’t going anywhere anyway.
Upon getting inside your house, you say, "So you say your name is Derpy?"
"Yup."
"And you’re from a place called Equestria?"
"Yup."
"Then how did you get here?"
"I... I..." She tears up dramatically. "I just don't know what went wrong..."
Unsure what else to do, you pick up the phone and do the first thing that comes to mind: Call up Jeff. He always thought outside the box. Surely after thinking up of zombie apocalypse strategies every freaking week that he must have thought of what to do in case a Technicolor pony weirdo showed up on his doorstep. Besides, this would give you an excuse as to why you blew off Mario Cart night.
"Hey, man,” you say. “Sorry I didn't come over. I have this pony over here."
"You got a pony? Far out, dude."
"You don't get it. This thing can talk and it has wings and it's from this place called Equestria!"
"Listen, Anon, I'm high as f*** right now. Listen, if you want my advice right now, try some Mary Jane. Things will probably start to make more sense."
You hang up, contemplating the decisions. You look at the pony who is tearful about not knowing what to do. You think about what you normally do when you have problems.
"Derpy, I'm about to show you something that won't fix anything, but at least it'll help you feel better for tonight."
"W-what? What is it?"
You take out some vodka and pour a glass for you and the pony. This will truly be interesting. Maybe it will at least help her numb the pain. I’d want someone to do it for me if I were in her horseshoes (lololol). After an hour, the two of you are sloppy drunk and laughing about everything.
Without thinking, and after a dare from a very drunken Derpy, you drunk dial your ex-girlfriend Lindsey. "Lindsey, guess what!"
"Don't make me block your number, Anon."
"I have a pony at my house! You gotta see this!"
"You're drunk, and no I'm not sending any naked pictures. I’m still trying to get Becky to take me seriously after the last time. Good bye." The next thing you hear is a dial tone, cause your phone is still one of those crappy old ones with the chord attached to the wall.
"Hey, Derpy! She just hung up! Can you belie--" You stop your annoying laughter to see that Derpy is crying again. "Hey hey shh shh shhh. What's the matter? Just tell your best friend Anon."
"I...” she begins. “I just wanna go home..."
"What's on your mind?"
"I just don't know where I am. I'm scared, Anon."
"Hey, hey, hey. It's OK. You know, this world ain't such a bad place."
"But I just don't know what's going on."
"I don't either Derpy. It’s not every day that a talking, drunken horse shows up at my doorstep, but I'll be here for you as long as you need."
Derpy smiles, shedding away the tears.
Suddenly, you are very horny and the thought of horse pussy sounds really good right now. "Hey, Derpy, I bet a shower would make you feel better,” you say like the sly mother effer you are.
"Sure,” she replies innocently. “That actually sounds pretty relaxing." You and Derpy head into the bathroom. You turn on the shower and take off your shirt. "Umm... Anon? What are you doing?"
"Well, I thought I could join you."
"What are you doing with your clothes?"
"Don't expect me to shower with clothes on, do you?" You unzip your pants and reveal you hard member to her. She blushes, not sure how to react. You get into the shower and Derpy joins you. The look of water running down Derpy's mane makes your dick tingle.
You let the water run down your back, attempting to almost put your excuse of a penis in her face. Derpy notices the water dripping from your member. For some reason, it intrigues her. She puts her hoof on top of it and pushes it down. It flings back up, splashing some water in your face. "Oops. My bad," Derpy says.
As you see her innocent smile and those two freaky eyes looking up at you, you realize through your drunkenness that you actually care for this pony. It just took her to touch your dick for you to realize this. You don’t want to take advantage of her; you just want to make her feel some joy as she’s stuck in this jacked up world of yours (namely your apartment). You feel like livening up the mood and cup your hands with the water coming out of the shower, splashing her with it. The two of you splash playfully. Your boner is gone, but you can't stop smiling.
You exit the shower, drying yourselves off. "You see?” you say. “Our world can be fun."
Derpy hugs you. "Thank you for being so nice to me, Anon. Can I tell you something?"
"Anything, Derpy."
“I’m happy I met you.” She hugs you tighter.
"Derpy?"
"Yes, Anon?"
"You said something about a magical princess, didn't you?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Do you think she could get you back to Equestria?"
"Sure, but..." Derpy begins to cry again. "I don't think she even knows I'm gone."
You hold her close to you and look out the window. "Derpy, just look out the window and think to yourself what you'd like more than anything, and I'll try to make it happen."
A shooting star passes by.
Suddenly, a bright light flashed before both of your eyes, and a white pony emerges from the light. "Derpy," the majestic white horse says. "I wondered where you were."
"Princess Celestia?" Derpy asks.
"She's here, Derpy," you say with a tear running down your cheek. "You can finally go home." Derpy looks back at you, a tear running down her own cheek.
"Derpy..." Celestia says, noticing how emotional the two of you are getting. "What have you learned today?"
"I learned that even when things seem bad, there might be the solution to all your problems right in front of you." She looks up at you and gives you a bright smile.
"Are you ready to go home?" you ask.
"Anon, I already am home." She hugs you tightly. For some odd reason, this pony actually wants to be with you. Congratulations, Anon. You made something out of your life.
Celestia smiles. "I wish the two of you the best of luck. Thank you for taking care of my subjects, Anon. Farewell for now."
Celestia vanishes and you and Derpy continue to embrace.
"Derpy, I love you."
"Anon, there's something I need to tell you..."
"What is it?"
"I already have a boyfriend. ASHTOOOON!"
Suddenly a huge camera crew comes out along with Ashton Kutcher.
"I can't believe he fell for that!" Ashton says laughing.
"I know!" Derpy replies. "How stupid can you get?"
Derpy and Ashton share a kiss, which gets gradually more intense. Suddenly, Ashton is fingering Derpy's butthole and sucking his own dick.
You go out to your pool and jump in. Nothing matters anymore. You knew it was too good to be true, but for some reason, you just had to be optimistic.
You lose oxygen and things gradually fade...
You then open your eyes to see a pony with a rainbow colored mane. "Hey, you alright?" She asks.
You reply, "I just don't know what went wrong."
April Fools, faggots.