“Rise and shine Pinkie Pie,” cooed a low rich voice.
The familiar voice sent chills running down the pink pony's spine, as she leaped out of her bed onto what was suppose to be the floor ready for a fight. But fear quickly turned to panic as she realized that there was no floor beneath her hooves. She was about to let out a scream of panic when her short lived fall was broken by a sweet smelling cloud made of sugar. Only one being in the universe was cable of such crazy antics.
“Discord! What did you do to Ponyvile!” shouted the mare, at the top of her lungs.
With a brilliant flash of light the master of chaos the lone Draconequus made his appearance from nowhere.
“Oh come now Pinkie Pie is that anyway to treat an old friend like good old Discord? After all didn't I just save you from falling to your doom?”
Giving a quick snort of contempt at the unexpected and unwanted guest Pinkie Pie decided to figure out what he was up to this time. “Well if you didn't destroy reality again I wouldn't have needed saving. Now if you don’t’ want to mhgggmmmmmm-” With a quick flip of his lions paw the Draconequus zipped Pinkie's mouth shut.
“Now listen here Pinkie Pie. You may not believe me, but we’re running out of time here. I’m not responsible for this mess.” The harshness and heaviness of his words struck fear into her very core. This was no longer the reformed Discord that Fluttershy had worked so hard on bring forth. This was the ancient ruler of Equestria speaking to her. With another wave of his paw the zipper disappeared and Discords mannerism seemed to one eighty. Curious as she was Pinkie Pie was too scared about bringing back the old Discord to interrupt him.
“As I was saying friend, this isn't my fault the bizarre world forming around us is not my creation, but the royal sisters. They’re currently sleeping somewhere while being totally wasted with their magical powers spiraling out of control. Thus transforming their drunken dreams into the new Equestria. For the time being I’m using my magic to prevent the two of us from being affected by the changes, but as it is I'm not getting any stronger.”
“Why’s that, I thought all, this chaos, would make you, stronger, not, weaker?” chimed Pinkie Pie, between mouthfuls of cotton candy cloud.
“That’s complicated matter that’s really too far beyond your comprehension Pinkie.”
“Oh yeah prove it!”
“The base theory of-”
“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
Discord chuckled inwardly, he knew this pony inside and out, to the point that he didn't even have to prepare anything more that those four words to prove his point. If this was the old him and if his very existence wasn't in danger he could have so much more fun with this. But he needed this mare wide awake and for some odd reason he could only think of one way to wake the sleeping pony. With a snap of his tail a pair of cymbals appear in his hands.
“WAKE UP!” Screamed the spirit of chaos, as he slammed cymbals into Pinkie's head. However much to his surprise it took three similar attempts to wake the mare up.
“Ha ha, sorry about that Discord just that whenever somepony tries to explain physics or other nerd talk to me I fall asleep,” said Pinkie Pie groggily, as she cleaned off pieces of cotton candy from her face.
“I see we have more in common than just a sweet tooth and randomness then. To put it simply I’m um...er... I'm weak against chaos infused magic. So the most I can do is protect our minds from believing that the dream world is reality once my barrier is gone.”
“So all we have to do is find Celestia and Luna, get them sober so they can change this world back to normal right?”
“You catch on quickly. But sobering them up is the hard part, this is their dream and their world so we have to play by their rules whatever they may be," commented Discord, though he visibly cringed when he mentioned playing by the rules.
“Couldn't we just play around in this dream world and wait for them sober up themselves Discord?”
“Well I could, but you and your friends would be long dead by the time that would happen. Since the last time they got this wasted it lasted a few hundred years.”
“They can’t be that wasted can they?” insisted Pinkie Pie
“Just before this all happened I switched myself with your pet alligator and they believed it was prince Blue Blood.”
“By Celestia’s nonexistent beard! If they’re that wasted this dream could last a thousand years. Come on Discord, time to save Equestria!”
Without even a second glance Pinkie Pie jumps off what little remains of her cloud in a cannonball fashion. Snapping his griffon claws the Draconequus dons a swimming cap and dives off Pinkie’s bed like a diving board.
A Blinding flash of light greets both of them before pitch black darkness envelops them. From within the darkness ahead of them they hear a concert of crushing, grinding, and smashing sounds. Both of them try to flee from the sounds of doom that lie ahead of them, but find themselves trapped by a mysterious force as they’re moved forward. Even in the gloom Pinkie sees that she is approaching a giant crushing device that would be the end for her, fearing the worse she closes her eyes waiting for it all too… Tickle?!
“Hahahaha Snort!”
For some odd reason she didn't feel any pain. She actually felt all funny inside like she’d swallowed a bunch of feathers that were now tickling her from the inside. She saw the next contraption coming up next and gave a glowing smile wondering what this one would make her feel like. She was crushed, shocked, stamped, baked, rolled, and pressed. All of which should have been painful deaths normally, but here they were amusement rides to her. After the last one she was shoved out into a blinding light along with Discord.
When their eyes finally readjusted to the light, a story book cut out of a ships storage room greeted them. The steady swinging of the lone hanging light and the creaking of the hull signified that the ship was currently at not at a port. But after experiencing such an enthralling circus of emotions the two stowaways paid little heed to their surroundings.
“Wheeeeeeeeee! Let’s do that again Discord!” cheered the mare, as she jumped around like a sugar crazed foal.
“Agreed, but first we have a world to save and my arms to find," remarked Discord, staring at his reflection in a small mirror that sat on the floor.
“Bwahahahahahahhaha" -Snort- "hahahaha! Discord what the hay are you? You look like some sort of over grown mushroom with fangs," roared Pinkie Pie, as she rolled around on the floor hugging her ribs as they felt like bursting from laughter.
“Yes and you look like a paper cut out pony with a funny brown hat." Discord was at a loss, leave it up to Celestia to make him truly embarrassed for the first time in his life he thought. "Can we please move on to more important things like what type of uptight imperialistic world Celestia and Luna have created. I’m sure it will be a rough world with ridged utopia rules, dictatorships, diets, Strawberry Milk, Splenda, and-”
“An entire ocean of chocolate milk,” interrupts Pinkie Pie dreamily, as she stares out the round window of the ships cabin.
“-entire…ocean… of …chocolate… milk….,” stammers Discord, as he stumbles towards the window in his new form.
Not a single word is said between the two of them for the next five minutes, setting a personal record for both of them, as they stared at a slice of personal heaven. Dozens of varieties of cookie flavored fish jump out of the ocean unaware of the two top sugar predators that have been unleashed upon their world. Before either of them can regain their composure the crackling of an intercom breaks the silence of the moment.
“Evening mares and gentlecolts this is your captain speaking. Sorry for the delay due to rough weather earlier, but we’re about to make landing a chocoport so please make ready to depart. Remember that we are not liable for any mugging that happens during or after departure. Have a nice day.”
Licking her lips longingly Pinkie Pie ends her silence record, “You know Discord I might actually enjoy having this adventure with you.”
With a sly chuckle Discord agrees, “Funny I was just thinking the same thing Pinkie Pie... Still want to find my arms though...”
Exiting the boat Discord couldn't hide his astonishment at the wonderland that stood before him. couldn't hide his bafflement. “I just don’t get it Pinkie,”
“Get what Discord?”
“This wonderful world we’re in." commented discord as he stared at looming walls of gingerbread smothered in icing and laced with gumdrops. "When I imagine Celestia's dream world well, this was the last thing on my mind. It just doesn't suit her."
Pulling her head out of the ocean Pinkie gave her companion a puzzled look. “Um, Discord what Equestria are you from? This place fits princess Celestia perfectly.”
“Oh come now Pinkie Pie if you think you can pull a fast one on me the ex-spirit of chaos and practical jokes think again,” chuckled discord, though the serious look of puzzlement on the pony’s face suggested that she was being serious.
“Discord do you have any idea what happens to all the sweets in Equestria before they go bad?”
"Why would I know and why should I care?"
Pressing her pace against the spirit of chaos Pinkie grasped Discord firmly between her hoofs. “She eats it! she eats it all! Every week she eats her castles weight in deserts! That’s why on the surface she seems like such a health nut with extreme diets and exercise. It’s all so that she doesn't gain any weight from what she eats in secret!”
The ancient being couldn't believe what his nonexistent ears were hearing Celestia the anti-sugar tyrant of old had a sweet tooth bigger than him? Surely this was just Pinkie Pie pulling his leg or trying to get back at him for some mean spirit joke of his past life, but Pinkie Pie wasn't one to hold a grudge like that he thought.
“But I might father,” remarked a sharp frigid voice from behind him.
Chills suddenly wracked his body as he felt something like a hot knife scrape against his back. In his prior urgency brought about by the current situation, he’d completely forgotten that Pinkie Pie was never truly by herself. And now that he was without his godlike powers to protect him all he could do was stand still fearing the worse.
Noticing the color drain from Discords face, the pink pony grew concerned, “You alright there Goomcord, you look like you've seen a ghost?”
Regaining what little remained of his composure Discord tried to keep his cool. “It was not ghost Pinkie, more like a living nightmare. Also ‘Goomcord’ where did that nickname come from?” For the time being he was still talking to the element of laughter, but he wondered when the other one would show herself again.
“Well I had a few other ideas for nicknames since you’re now a Goomba and all, but-“
“-PINKIE PIE! EXPLAIN everything you know NOW!” This was getting crazy, here he was yelling at Pinkie Pie of all ponies to explain something in somepony else’s drunk dream.
“Oh that’s simple silly the dessert theme is Princess Celestia’s work thanks to her large sweet tooth and Equestria being shaped after a video game is due to Princess Luna, who is the second biggest gamer in Equestria after yours truly. Okay I lied I’m now officially the second biggest gamer as she took the title of number one from me two months ago, but second biggest gamer isn't something to sneeze at. This game just so happens to be one of my favorite games Paper Pony, so I know almost everything about it. Though don’t ask me why the sky is magenta. Oh, oh maybe its made of ice cream!" blurted Pinkie excitedly at the thought of ice cream rain. A quick nudge from Discord foot brought the mare back from the land of sugary fantasies. "Right sorry, well if you need any proof, just walk past that corner there and some weirdos should try to mug us.”
Discord stared at his partner in disbelieve as his voice oozed with sarcasm. “Glad to know at least one of us has a clue to what’s going on. Let’s get this adventure underway and get mugged already.”
Much to Discords surprise Pinkie Pie had been telling him the truth. Rounding the corner the two travelers had to cover their ears as s griffons sharp shriek rent the air. The previous calm atmosphere exploded with blood lust as sailors, pirates, and gangsters drew their weapons ready to fall on one another at the drop of a hat. At the far end of the harbor Discord caught sight of the beast in question that was in heated pursuit of a purple creature not unlike himself.
“Hah, enough of this stupid game of tag dweep!" Roared the griffon pinning the purple goomba under her claws. "Give us the map and all the information you got on the thousand year door or me and my Echo friends here are going to start playing rough.”
Realizing the threat wasn't aimed towards them the other citizens stowed their weapons and continued to ignore the griffon. Muggings and Murders were a common part of Chocoport, it wasn't something worth sticking their necks out for.
“Hey don’t get any closer! I’ll scream!” protested the besieged goomba, as a horde of hooded creatures advanced upon her.
A raspy laugh cackled from the griffons beak. "Look around you twerp. This is Chocoport. No one is going to sa..."
"Back off you feathered windbag!" Demanded Pinkie Pie, lunging at the griffon wielding a wooden mallet she'd found laying around.
Seeing the size difference between herself and her smaller adversary the griffon lowered her guard. After all there was no need for her to dodge or block an attack from such a weak looking creature. It was a decision that she quickly regretted as she felt the tectonic force of the mallet collide with her body. A sickening crack echoed throughout the harbor as the mare's weapon snapped in half under the weight of the blow.
'Just how can such a small wingless creature be so strong!' thought the griffon as she was flung violently through the air.
The hit itself would've easily carried her into the town square if it wasn't for the wall of crates that barred her path. A loud cheer broke out from the onlookers for the sudden unexpected violent turn of events. Muggings and murders were just business tools the citizens of chocoport, but brawls were spectator sports.
Erupting from the pile of broken and shattered boxes the griffon's rage was conveyed in a single ear splitting cry.
"IT'S GO TIME!!!"
Tossing the broken stick aside Pinkie slammed her hoofs into the ground. "Bring it on Gilda, I still owe you for menacing Fluttershy."
Immediately the area was covered in scores of hooded figures that heedlessly fling themselves at the opposing trio in a never ending dog pile. It was chaos as shipping crates, barrels, and hooded bodies were all crushed in the attack everything except for the targeted trio. Who snuck out through the seething masses and out of the docks through the back streets. The barbaric attackers continued on oblivious to the fact that their foes were no longer at the center of the attack rather it was now Gilda who was taking the assault.
“STOP IT YOU DWEEPS!”-Out of fear the Echo’s stop the assault- “Can’t you see their not here anymore, did anyone of you see which way they went?” A wave of shrugged shoulders greets her question.
After several wrong turns in the back alleys the odd looking trio finally emerged into the bright afternoon sun, as they arrived in Chocosquare. Neither Discord nor Pinkie Pie thought it was possible, but the square was even shadier than the harbor and the alleys they’d spent the last hour or so in. For one instead of a statue being at the center the square it had an empty noose swinging in the wind that carried a heavy stench of booze on it.
“Thanks for helping me back there,” before the two aliens to the world could observe any more of the finer details of this new place the goomba continued her ranting. “That bunch of freaks just would listen to logic. Sure I was snooping around for information about the dessert stars, but that doesn't automatically mean that I have the legendary map!”
“Of course silly cause I have the map in my hat,” giggled Pinkie, as she flipped her hat off and pulled an ancient looking piece of paper from it.
Semi ignorant of what just happened the purple goomba continues with her rant. “Because everyone knows that the map has been lost for centuries inside of your hat… WAIT WHAT!?”
“Here take a look for yourself Twilight,”
Wordlessly the goomba studies both the map and Pinkie, “The map does look authentic how’d you come across it? Also have we met before?” inquired Twilight quite bewildered.
Clearing his throat with a cough Discord decided it was about time he stopped being the third wheel of the party, “that map is Pinkie’s Families heirloom along with that hammer, as for meeting you before. You could say that we have or that we just read your name tag, you egghead,” he of course uttered the last part under his breath hoping not to be heard by either of them. Unfortunately for him, he was heard and he cringed under the glare of the hammer brandishing mare.
“Hmmmm, that’s odd I thought I only, put my first name on my student I.D.”-A faint purple light grabs the tag off Twilights chest as she inspects it- “I was right! So how’d you know my full name was Twilight Egghead?”
Pinkie’s incessant glare at her companion stops as both of them stare blankly at the purple goomba for an eerie amount of time. Only the odd blink now and then changes the appearance off their faces much to Twilight’s growing discomfort. She was about to ask if they were okay when the pair turned around and walked back into the gloom of the back street red as beats.
Twilight gave a longing sigh of knowing, it always happened when anypony learned her full name. At least these two seemed decent enough not to laugh and mock her to her face. She could even become friends with them! Wait why did she just say ‘anypony’ in her train of thought instead of anygoomba?
In the meantime the crazy duo had spent the last quarter hour busting their lungs laughing in the dank dimness behind warehouse three. Neither of them had the strength left to stand for the longest time as both laid on the ground gasping for much needed breath. Laughter being her element Pinkie Pie was the first to recover enough to stand.
“Hahahaha, who know Celestia could have such a witty sense of humor when she’s drunk,” chimed Pinkie, while she helped the goomba back to his feet. Though she couldn't understand why she found something potentially so hurtful to one of her friend’s funny, was the new reality getting to her?
“Sense of humor indeed she nearly just killed us with laughter right there. Seriously I almost forgot how utterly stupid and crazy these drunken worlds can get. Gotta keep my guard up or Celestia’s next joke might be my last,” remarked Discord, as they both made their way back to the square.
By the time they made it back the unpleasant square the sky was already beginning to be painted green by the setting sun. As to be expected Twilight had given up waiting for their return hours ago realizing that they’d probably once again gotten lost in the back streets. This wouldn't have upset Discord in the slightest if she wasn't still in procession of the important map, which Pinkie Pie had spent the last few hours explaining about in complex video game nerd talk, that went straight over his short head.
Despite the lack of the essential item Pinkie’s spirit seemed to be higher than ever before as she quickly trotted off to the North. Even after spending a whole day in his new form Discord had a hard time keeping pace with the pony and quickly fell behind. This quickly turned out to be in his favor as an elderly mare began yelling at his companion for an unknown reason. Much to his bewilderment Pinkie just smiled at her attacker before wandering off into one of the buildings. A couple more minutes passed before she returned to Discord who was inwardly dying to know what the hay just happened.
“May I ask what that was all about?”
“Oh you mean Miss Z? She’s part of the game and no matter what you do you always break one of her contact lenses. And until you get her a replacement she blocks off a third of the city, so I’m just getting this out of the way now so it doesn't hinder us later,” she sighed, it was obvious she didn't enjoy being the villain even if it was necessary and only temporary.
“Just how many times have you played this game my friend, actually never mind I probably don’t want to know. But I can’t help feel like we’re forgetting something important. Like a certain piece of ancient paper!” Shouted the enraged goomba.
The long day spent mainly being lost was taking its toll on him, not to mention being surrounded by food he couldn't eat all day while being hungry wasn't helping either.
“When looking for a tree go to a forest, when looking for Twilight go to a library.”The mare gives Discord a knowing wink. “Lucky for us there’s only one place in Chocoport that has books.”
Being slightly more conscious of her partner’s awkwardness in his new form the mare keeps her pace at a slow walk. Even at this slower pace it takes them less than ten minutes to reach the homeliest of the rundown ginger bread buildings in the slums. With her height advantage Pinkie catches a fleeting glimpse of a purple hued goomba leaving the window. Within a few seconds a whirlwind of clicking and clanking could be heard from the other side of the door as locks and bars were being undone to allow them entry.
“Wonder how she expected us to find this place without directions? If you hadn't turned out to be such a gamer pony we could have been lost for days looking for this place!” muttered Discord
“Eeyup, it’s finally paying off to be a gamer, but I’m just hoping they have some pony sized beds in there, I’m bushed.”
After a few more sounds the door gave a groaning creak and opened inward releasing a flood of light into the now darkening streets. Alongside the light came the succulent aroma of food, which neither Pinkie nor Discord had enjoyed since early morning. Abruptly pangs of hunger struck both of them as their mouths started to produce small streams of salivation.
Twilight had intended to chide both of them out for leaving her at the plaza like that and for just letting a complete stranger keep such an important historical map. But the look of longing upon their faces directed at the leftovers of her supper told her that if she didn't want to get trampled she needed to get out of the way fast!
“Uh I've already finished eating, so feel free to help yourselves to what’s,” the goomba didn't have time to finish as the two starved creatures dived upon what remained. “,left…”
“Hey Twilight are you sure we can just stay here? I mean you did mention during supper that this was you professor’s house after all,” asked Pinkie Pie, as she was combining a group of smaller beds into a more pony sizable one. Upon completion of her project the playful pony immediately jumps onto them like one would a pool.
Putting her book down, Twilight replied “Technically he’s also my legal guardian so if we think of this as a sleep over it should be fine. But honestly Pinkie just who are you and where do you come from you seem so familiar it’s like déjà vu. Not to mention you appear out of the blue holding a legendary map that has been lost for hundreds of years.”
In defiance of her will several soft sobs escape Pinkie’s throat, as she was hit with the sudden weight of just how serious of a problem this world was. Years of not only her life, but of everypony she knew and loved had been completely erased and replaced with fake ones. Even if she did befriend all of them again the original experiences that brought them together and made them close would never re-exist. Regardless of the limitless fun that this world seemed to offer her for a life time, it was something in Twilight’s words that stung her heart so deep that an unspeakable fire began to burn within it. A fire that she vowed upon that no matter who she had to face and beat down, even if it was an old friend, she’d turn everything back to normal!
Hearing the sobs coming from her guest Twilight laid her book on her night stand. “Are you okay there Pinkie?” It was a stupid question to ask, but she couldn't think of anything else to do.
Dang it Twilight I was trying to end the chapter there climatically now I’m all sappy, “Don’t worry *hic* about it Twilight. I’m just feeling a little *hic* home sick right now *hic* so if that kind of talk could wait till morning…”
Respecting her new friends wishes Twilight decides not to pursue the subject any further and blows out the reading light, letting the calmness of the night claim the room as they drift off to sleep.
Meanwhile at the secret Echo base N.O.M sleep was the furthest thing from the mind of the leader of the hooded horde.
“So let me get this straight squad commander Gilda. You had our first lead to the map in over a year. Then some random pink hammer wielding psycho and a goomba stopped you, all of your troops, and managed to escape,” a blood thirsty sigh escapes through the leaders mask before she continues. “Gilda give me three good reasons why I shouldn't have my man Shade here erase you…”
In the ominous moments of silence that followed the Echo leader fully expected the soldier on the other side of the line to break down and beg for her life. After all in the face of such a failure what could an elevated grunt like her do to escape her eminent demise?
“Hey Donut Joe, better make that a triple dozen on the triple choco lava devil donuts.”
After a couple silent moments the masked figure speaks once again into the phone, “…Just hurry up and return to base with those donuts!”
This was the third time this month her wrath had been bought off with those extreme chocolate delights, if she was to maintain discipline she needed to find a solution to her chocolate addition.
“Mam,” whispered the shadowy silhouette
“DON’T SAY IT! I know very well it’s becoming a problem Shade,” said the leader, “but putting that aside, even without the map we have one of the seven locations. So I’m sending you personally down to retrieve it."
