One night, the power in my house goes out. The reason for this, is something greater then I could have ever imagined.
A self-insert, mostly done to make your sides sore.
[/hr] One night, after finishing my latest song, I begin to upload it to YouTube, and I sit back and begin flipping through an issue of Gameinformer to pass the time. And then it goes dark. Twhat?
This is the story of how I, pretty much, unintentionally become a fugitive in the land of Equestria.
[/hr] I will get a self-insert on this website, a good one, if it kills me!
Success! Haha! Finally! It took all day, but here it is. My new song. Of course, I'm no Omnipony, but I consider myself pretty decent for someone who just barley started out.
I hurried and converted the song, added the background picture, went to YouTube, and began uploading. The fact that my internet isn't really the greatest, and that fact that my computer is a Microsoft product means that uploading a video isn't the fastest thing in the world. Usually, I just open up MineCraft while I wait, but I didn't really feel like it, so I just swiveled around on my office chair, snatched up the newest issue of Gameinformer, the one about The Witcher 3, (excited) and began to flip through the pages.
It was quite throughout the house, mostly because I was home alone. The rest of my family had gone out to my sister's cheer competition (Cheerleading isn't a sport!) and I decided to stay. Because I hate human interaction. And the sun. It burns...
In fact, it was too quite. I sat back up and, since the computer was pre-occupied, used my MP3 player to crank up some music. Epic Score - Creator of Worlds to be exact. I'm not exactly sure, but whenever I listen to the song, images of world domination drifts through my mind. Muahahaha...
Anyway, I picked up the gaming magazine again and began reading an article on..what what is? Oh yeah, Bioshock infinite.
So there was I, a giant Nerdicus Losericus, sitting back, listening to some pretty dang good music, reading about a game that looks awesome, when I was enveloped in blackness. It was dark out, no sun, so, obviously, absence of electronic light means some pretty deep darkness.
"Crap!"
I'd have to start uploading my song all over again....nooo....
I huffed in frustration, took off my headphones, and waited, rather impatiently, for my eyes to adjust. They did, eventually, and I got up. I checked my light switch. Nope. I opened the door and realized that it was rather cold.
Traveling through my living room, kitchen, and down the stairs, I found the wood stove. I picked up the long, black crowbar which lay there, propped against the walls in the corner, and used the end to lift the black, circular lid off of the fireplace. Peering inside, I saw that, yes indeed, it was almost out.
I looked over and grabbed a few logs from the ground and put them inside. I took a deep breath and steadily emptied my lungs inside, causing the orange flames to come to life more then ever before. Success.
I went back upstairs, yep it was warmer, and sat down on my bed. After sitting there for a while, I reached over and grabbed my MP3 player and magazine. Attempting to read the papers was useless, far too dark, but I could still listen to music.
I listened to my entire Pony playlist, and nothing had happened. Rah.
I got up and decided to take a walk in the snowy outside, and pretend to be a future soldier in the frozen apocalypse. No, maturity has not found its way to me yet.
I walked back through the living room, taking note of the dark couches so I didn't walk into them and injure my manhood, and found the door. I grasped the doorknob and pulled it open. I was immediately attacked by a flurry of snow.
My inner-nerd spoke to me and told me to shut the door. I obeyed, with pleasure.
Holy Crap! How had I not noticed such a massive blizzard before now!?
Whew. I was quite surprised. It was winter, but massive blizzards like that are rare, even in Idaho, land of the potatoes and unpredictable weather.
Maybe the snow had blocked out the electricity? Gah, I really hoped that this power outage wouldn't last forever. I need my computer....
What to do, what to do? Blargh. I decided to risk it yet again outside, (better freezing to death then being bored to death) and donned my heavier gear. My imagination was completely free at this point, and I really wished that I had a gas mask. Maybe I could be in Lost Planet or something.
I successfully braved the front door and walked onto my front porch. I couldn't see crap.
Wow. This is freaking insane.
I walked down the stairs and, when I reached the ground, I slipped and landed on my backside.
The jolt of pain found its way along the entire length of my spine.
Uh....ow.
So I sat there in the snow for a while, trying to overcome my pain. After I succeeded with that - took me a while - I got back up. It was still really slippery. Unusually slippery. Ridiculously unusually slippery. I walked off in front, and I realized something strange. The tree. There was a small birch tree out front. It wasn't there.
Where am I, Hoth?
Nerp. Better.
I shrugged and decided that I probably just missed it and continued into what I was pretty sure was the road. It was at that point that my stomach disappeared. I was falling, and there was snow all up in my coat, and it freaking sucked. But landing on something really hard was a lot more suckish.
That's exactly what happened, I landed on something. And it was alive.
As my body, not exactly large, slipped down what I estimated to be a six foot drop, I landed gut-first onto a broad back. It wasn't someone's head.
There was a cry of surprise and I took whatever it was down with me to the ground.
"Woah, woah, sorry dude, it's just...what the frik'? I don't remember a small cliff out in my front yard. You alright?"
Yes, it was snowing heavily, so I didn't see that who I landed on wasn't exactly...normal, at this point.
"'Ello?"
Well, whoever it was got their revenge soon enough. I got the wind knocked out of my and I was soon on my back.
"Hey! I said I was sorry!"
I began to struggle, kicking and lashing out. Suddenly, a deep voice penetrated the howling wind of the blizzard.
"In the name of The Crystal Empire, you are under arrest for the assault of The Captain of the Royal Guard!"
Alright. Deep familiar voice. Crystal Empire. Captain of the Royal Guard. By Jove, I'm in-
That thought never got finished, as I was interpreted by...a light. A blue light. And then I was asleep. Twhat?
Well, after being rather rudely and magically knocked unconscious by who I believe is Shining Armor, I had a dream. Surprisingly, not about ponies. I really would have rather liked to dream about ponies, but no. You know how dreams are, weird, unpredictable...
Anyways, this specific dream that I had, and the specific nature of it, could not of happened at a worse time. Taking moments earlier from the day, specifically my imaginary world domination while listening to Epic Music, this song specifically:
Awesome, huh? You can't tell me that thoughts of the death of your foes appear while listening to that. Or maybe that's just me...my mother has told me that I was special...on multiple occasions....
Whatever, continuing, I was dreaming about a little country that I made up on my own. Like I said, my imagination roams free, un-hindered. I call it the "Periculum Empire.' My soldiers are based off of the helghasts from Killzone because, well, they are freaking Bad-A in almost every single way.
Yes, I dominate the world with these soldiers of mine. It was a very violent dream, lots of explosions, and lots of scenes with me leading my men into battle, charging like the Soviets in World War II. It was glorious. Explosions, bullets... blood....muahahah....
Eventually, though, my dream ended. Awww, I was just beheading the leader of the last standing country to oppose my great Empire!
Two axe-swings in, I was jolted awake by a sound that my dreary mind had issues identifying at first. After a few seconds, though, I realized that it was a scream. Not a scream of pain, more like a horrified shriek. It was female, very high-pitched. It sounded familiar as well.
I found the strength to open my eyes, (Shining Armor, if that's who that was, did a very good job at putting me a sleep. I literally had to find strength just to lift my eyelids.) and immediately closed them again. The sun. It burns...
And the epic headache didn't help.
After scrunching my eyes closed yet again. I listened for any more screaming. All I heard was my own breath and heavy heartbeat. I strained to listen for anything else and detected the sound of several more pairs of lungs. They were all quite. Were they going to slit my throat in my sleep something?
Then, my eyes still boiling, my limbs still lead, the silence was broken by what sounded like hoof-clops. Well, I'm pretty dang sure that I'm in Equestria now.
I heard the intake of whichever pony was about to speak to me but I lifted up my hand, cutting them off.
"Okay," deep breath, "Um...am I in...Equestria?"
There was a collective gasp. I decided to take that as a yes. Several voices, all female, began to murmur. I couldn't pick out anything, but I imagine that it was something like, "Did it just speak? In Equestrian? How'd it learn Equestrian?" or, "How did it know where it was?"
Maybe...maybe I could be a God....
I forced my excitement down I managed to speak calmly.
"Well, if my ears do not deceive me, then the present ponies in the room are Twilight Sparkle, though I am unsure whether or not she is a Alicorn at this time, the bearer of magic," I decided to continue on two-by-two, the races.
"Then, that shriek, from Rarity, the bearer of generosity, Fluttershy, the bearer of kindness, Rainbow Dash, the bearer of loyalty, one of the fastest ponies in Equestria, Pinkie Pie, element of laughter, and then Applejack, the strong farm pony who is always honest."
The response that I received was complete silence. Birds chirping maybe.
Then the pony who had approached me began to speak, and I let her.
"I believe, sir, if you are indeed male, that you have forgotten me, The Princess of The Night, and my elder sister, Princess Celestia."
I nodded, "Yes, I am a male, and I know you two as well, the rulers of Equestria."
I finally began to get the feeling back in my body. First thing I feel is my head. Yes, giant headache, but, thank the lord, my hat is still there. My face is numb. I'm laying down on something soft...
I open my eyes and sit up. Another collective gasp.
I shield my eyes. When I finally manage to see clearly, the first thing I was was bars. I had been laying down on a bunk. I was in some sort of cell. Beyond that were the Mane Six - Twilight was indeed a Princess - and Luna and Celestia.
It appeared as if I were in the palace in the Crystal Empire.
Wow....I'm actually here...but why am I in a cell?
"Why am I locked up?"
Princess Celestia cleared her throat.
"Well, as I am assuming that you know, I have much power, as does my sister Luna."
I nodded, "Yes."
"I have the ability to...how should I put it...look into different worlds."
"Ah, so you know about us humans?"
"That is correct."
"Okay....that still doesn't explain why I'm behind bars."
"Please, human, let me finish. I have seen your world, and I have seen what it is like. It was not Shining Armor who imprisoned you, it was I."
I was silent for a while. Then, "Princess Celestia I understand your concerns. Things happen back in my world that would not happen here in anyone's deepest, darkest most twisted nightmares."
I looked her in the eye, "But I assure you. I would never intentionally harm you or any of your subjects. In a way, I can peer into your world as well, and it had been one of my greatest dreams to come here. I would not ruin it."
The majestic creature was looking at me with a raised eyebrow. Was I not very convincing?
"You must understand that, when Shining Armor called me here to look at you, I did not plan to bind you. The reason that you are behind bars is because of your dreams."
Wow. This is like that story that I wrote, a Human in an Equestrian Asylum. It's about a guy who gets sent to Equestria, but is institutionalized because of his dreams....
"My dreams?"
"Yes, Human, we were all watching your dream. That is why you are where you are."
"So....you saw me burn my world?"
"Yes," her voice was cold. Not emotional in any way.
I took a deep breath. What an interesting predicament I had myself in. I stood up, and made the ponies step back a bit as I walked over to the bars.
Then I smiled. I began to laugh. Not really helping, but I couldn't help myself.
"I'm here. I'm finally here, but instead of living in Ponyville, reading and studying with Twilight, having picnics in the park, and getting to try Pinkie's cupcakes, I'm being called insane and dangerous because of a dream I had! Princess Celestia, what are you thinking? Dreams have no reflection of what my real intentions are, they're just dreams!"
She just stared at me. Then, the incredibly tense moment was burst with laughter. From who else, the element of laughter.
"Wow, you really want to try my cupcakes! How totally, totally, totally awesome! Twilight, and alien wants to eat my cupcakes!"
"I'm afraid, Pinkie, that he will not be able to, "
"Awww..."
"Princess! Did you not here a word I just said!?"
"Ignore him, my little ponies, he will just tempt you," Celestia said as she began herding them out of the door. But, the one pony who had kept a solemn face the entire time, Twilight, looked me in the eye, just before the door closed. She was worried. And so was I.
Never have I wanted the New Lunar Republic to strike right then and there and slaughter Celestia. What a judgmental....what a judgmental cuss.
It was a dream for Hades's sake. A freaking dream.
Yes, I slaughtered many people, yes, I burned everything, yes, I conquered everything else, but I'm harmless, I swear!
I'm a fracking teenage boy, of course I'm violent! Apparently kids weren't like this in Equestria.
I wish I could Fus Ro Dah my way out of here. Wait...
"FUS RO DAH!"
Nope.
Force? No, no force. No telekinesis either.
I began to look around for a place to escape. It was all in vain. Of course, I should have expected something like this, I mean, take my world and compare it to Equestria. Violence? Yes, yes indeed.
But still, wasn't Celestia being a giant hypocrite? I mean, she's always preaching about how you should accept ponies (or humans) no matter what they act like or look like. Then again, I can see how much of a threat that I could pose to her and her subjects. But I still wished the NLR would come.
There's another thing that's being going on in my mind: is this canon Equestria, or some alternate one? So far, it seems canon, but I'm not super sure right now, not enough evidence as of now.
It was approaching nighttime, but I, as you might be able to guess, was not able to sleep. I decided to try and get up and see through it. It was pretty high up in the wall, but I thought that maybe I would be able to jump up and grab the windowsill and, thus, be able to haul myself up there.
Nope; too high.
I looked around and saw an old, wooden crate in the corner. Not sure what, if anything, was in it, but I could pull it, and pull it I did. After some grunting and scraping, the crate was positioned just below the window and I could finally get up.
I crossed my arms over the window sill and held that position, my feet dangling in the air, just above the crate. Outside it was dark and snowy. The cold didn't come inside, probably one of Cruelestia's spells, but that's not what was on my mind. What was on my mind was my house: I could see it.
Huh.
I un-crossed one of my arms and grabbed ahold of a bar. What happened next was...interesting, to say the least. I heard the sound of stone scraping against stone, and some dust fell from the bar. Then, the bar detached itself, and fell inside the cell with a loud clang.
I winced at the loud sound an quickly surveyed the room behind me. Whew, no guards. Still, they should probably keep a higher maintenance up around here.
But...hey...I think that if I...
I could fit my head through the bars...maybe...
Yesssss.
I could fit! The drop was only about five or six feet; easily handled.
My body slid through and I hit the grass with a thud.
Never before had I ever thought that I would want to escape the ponies. Oh well. Time to go Rambo Commando: Snow and Ponies Edition.
[/hr]
I stalked through the quite night, going house-to-house, attempting to find something useful. Every single door was unlocked. How convenient. Frankly, I'm surprised that no alarm or anything went off.
Sadly, it seemed as if I was not going to find anything useful beyond some kitchen tools and food. I decided to hit two more houses, and then hide out in a sewer or something.
Fortunately, I finally found something that I was looking for in the next house: a coat. It was made to fit ponies, so the arm placement was a bit awkward, but it still fit. These dang ponies live in a frozen wasteland and only one in the entire Empire has a coat. Genius.
I managed not to disturb any snoring crystal ponies and managed to gather up some gear: a coat, scarf, a bag, a bit of food, some tools, and a spear from a snoring guard.
Again, the lack of security here amazed me, because of that, and on account of I could leave the shield just fine.
Okay. Now to fortify.
[/hr]
I ended up having to make two more trips to the Empire for extra supplies, but I eventually had a base of operations. When I had made it back, there was snow piled up on the walls, and that gave me quite the idea: cover the entire house in snow. Surprisingly easy, just time-consuming.
Eventually, the only exposed bit of house was the chimney.
I stood back admiring my handiwork. It was a bit strange to have a random pile of snow in the middle of nowhere, but more believable than an freaking bleeding house.
I looked around and found the little cliff where I had unintentionally attacked Shining Armor (arsehole) along with some other things. Like a couple more short cliffs, some drifts, and some pretty interesting, though small, stone ruins. Not sure where they came from, but there was nothing of interest in there. I decided that the small, ruined tower would be my back-up area if my house fell.
I wasn't able to find anything else, so I went back inside. I checked my dad's guns (to scare them, if needed) and brought them and all of the ammo to my room. Just a little .20 Gauge shotgun and a 30-06. I brought all of the food from my fridge and put it next to an open window in the living room so they would remain cool enough not to rot.
I went outside and found a froze-over lake nearby and chipped a hole open with the spear I had stolen. I didn't see any fish at the moment, so I just went back inside, bored, despite all that was going on.
I spent some more time heaping barricading the doors and windows with furniture, and I was eventually back where I found myself: back in my room, albeit much colder. And without a functioning computer. Waiting for ponies to show up and capture me. Again. Gah.
I decided to go exploring some more. Outside the blizzard had stopped, but there was still a butt-load of snow. All of that snow made it pretty bright and I had to shield my eyes when I left.
When I could actually see, I started to gape.
All around me where these towers, exactly like the one that I had found earlier. Except there was about twenty or so more of them. And they were all around.
I began to jog to the nearest one and peered inside. Nothing in that one, or the next. But number three had two chests in them.
"Oh-ho-ho, some loot eh?"
The chests were both old and rusted, but they opened. And when they did, I couldn't help but feel awesome. Crystals. A whole heap of them.
I picked one out and grabbed it, beginning to examine it.
After further experimentation, I grinned, somewhat evilly.
[/hr]
Twilight took a deep breath, preparing herself to enter the chamber. She didn't know how the human on the other side would greet her, be it with malice, silence, or what.
So, she simply opened the door. Nothing.
"Uh-oh."
The cell in which Dalton had thus far been contained was empty of life. And the bars to his cell had somehow been removed.
"Uh-oh." Twilight said, more seriously. This was obviously going to need reporting, quickly.
[/hr]
It wasn't long before Shining Armor had a squad of soldiers ready to go out and re-find the escaped human. Reports of seemingly random stolen objects had been steadily flowing into his office all morning and suspicion had begun to find its way into his thoughts.
Eventually, a command from the Princess had confirmed his aforementioned suspicions and the somewhat overly-confident stallion set out on his quest.
He was beginning to wish that he had brought more backup.
Somehow, the human had managed to rig up mines of sort, not deadly, but most certainly painful.
An advancing soldier stepped on another well-hidden bulge and there was a mixture between a bang and a puff. The pressure of the explosion made the stallion go temporarily deaf and threw him on his rump.
Shining shook his head and continued onward, his soldiers being picked off one by one.
According to the soldiers, the mines were composed of Arkkadian Crystals. They were highly unstable and, well, exploded when so much as stepped on.
When that happened, the sound was extremely loud, and the crystal would dissolve into sand-like shrapnel that, when it touched you, was like getting fiber-glass rubbed all over.
It wasn't pleasant.
And they weren't even close the Human's hideout.
[/hr]
"How so you think he did it?"
"Did what?"
"You know, escaped."
"Well, dear, I don't mean to insult you, but I'm not entirely sure that it was wise to leave and alien that we know nothing of, capabilities or otherwise, alone in a cell without supervision," Rarity said.
"Why didn't you say that earlier?" Twilight asked, confused.
"I was still overwhelmed by the fact that he was wearing a fedora! Those infernal things, I'll never see the end of them!"
Twilight rolled her eyes as she and her friend took a stroll through the Crystal Palace's corridors, discussing its latest arrival.
"I didn't think he looked that bad..."
"Hm, his jacket was nice, but his hat..."
"Rarity, stop, it's just a hat."
"I'm not even sure they deserved to be called such! It's basically a stetson that's had its brim warped and then shortened!"
As Rarity blabbed on about how evil fedoras are, Twilight zoned off and began to think of their escaped prisoner. Unfortunately, she had not been able to speak with him, his escaping hadn't really helped with that, but she couldn't help but think that Celestia was being a tad bit unfair.
[/hr]
"For Mother Russia!"
"Huh? Wha-!?"
Another guard fell to my expertly crafted Crystal-bombs as I dodged about, throwing one after another into the faces of advancing soldiers.
They had cleared my minefield, unfortunately, but I still had quite a bit of fight in me!
Besides, the unconscious bodies of thwarted guards were beginning to make quite a nice wall...
"For Zee Captein!"
Another pompf and another fell.
On one hand, I was actually defending myself rather well, but on the other, I was running out of people and places to fight "for."
"Uh...For Narnia! Pompf! Nah, Narnia's lame...hmm...ah, For Azeroth!"
Pompf!
"Wait. I hate World of Warcraft... Yeah 'go kill ten wolves and bring me their hides.' Whee. Guild Wars 2 is where it's at!"
Pompf!
"For Steve Jobs!"
Pompf!
"For Helghan!"
Pompf!
"For King Arthur!"
Pompf!
"For Pelinor!"
Pompf!
"For Fablehaven!"
Pompf!
"Okay, I got nothing... Uh, for my left foot!"
Pompf!
[/hr]
"Sir! He just knocked out the last of out guards!"
Shining Armor narrowed his eyes.
"Seriously?"
"Ye-Pompf!!"
Shining Startled and looked up to the roof of the house.
"For Deadpool!"
With a snarl, the defeated Captain withdrew silently, keeping an eye on the smug-looking alien the entire time.
[/hr]
With Shining Douchebag out of the way, I turned around and climbed back down into my home through a window.
"Alright, now what to do with all of these guards..."
I pursed my lip.
"Ah, there's an idea."
As I started to drag the snoring ponies away, I began to sing. "Que sera, sera...whatever I say will be! The future is mine to forge! Do not question me!"
I sat outside on a chair I had dragged from the inside. I was still outside in frozen-land, but it seemed relatively warm today. Or perhaps my experiences in the past while had hardened me.
I reached up and felt the hairs on my chin.
Yep, battling armored ponies in a frozen wasteland after I had escaped from their prison had made me a man. Life was complete.
Expect for the fact that I would, one day, have liked to go home. And finally freaking kill Miraak, the butt-wad.
I bit back a curse as I missed a note on the mandolin sitting in my lap. "A Fig For a Kiss" should not have been this difficult, but it was nonetheless.
I put down the instrument and looked in satisfaction upon my newest line of defense; the unconscious bodies of dozens of guards. A few had been added after Princess Cadence herself sent a few to scout me out, but the power of my trilby and emerging beard made them unconscious very quickly.
I stood up and sauntered over the the prize of the wall. I looked down and grinned evilly. If only the bronies back at home knew about this.
There, in the center of the "wall," was a pole. Stuck to this pole with ropes and duct-tape was the still-conscious, bright orange, pegasus Flash Sentry.
He didn't say anything. He simply avoided eye contact.
My immature intimidation tricks not working to stave my boredom, I left the wall and surveyed my work from the other side. I had to stop from laughing out loud.
I had organized the bodies all backwards and had effectively created a Wall of Butts. Yes, the glory of my creation must be described with capital letters.
Suddenly I heard a groan from the other side.
I grit my teeth and sauntered over to where one of the guards was stirring. He eyed Flash Sentry, who eyed him back, and I eyed both of them.
"That's a nice face you have there. It's be a shame if someone were to feed it the butt of a rifle."
"Wait, wha-?"
*Thud*
I shook my head in distaste and returned to my throne.
"Jon Snow never had these problems with his wall . . . ."
[/hr]
"I have to admit, Cadence, as intimidating as this situation may be, it's kind of funny," Twilight said from the other side of the small table.
Cadence made a display of mock-indecisiveness but then smiled and nodded.
"I think he's just having fun with us. Which actually kind of concerns me; he's really just a child. Perhaps a young stallion, but he's not full-grown. How good are our guards really?"
Twilight didn't know.
"That's a valid question," she answered. "Perhaps when we manage to catch him again, we can find out how he's doing things exactly."
They both nodded and sipped their tea and Twilight thought: If we manage to catch him.
[/hr]
"Ah, there we go."
Guards, both sparkly and not, had been waking up left and right, and my arms were tired. So, using my epic trilby intelligence I took some leftover crystals and put them at the bottom the the wall. Sure enough, it had a calming effect on the waking stallions and they were still.
Unfortunately, they were still awake. They weren't doing anything, but they looked like fraggin' zombies, just laying there staring off into the distance.
I looked at Flash and said: "You eat, don't you?"
No reply.
I shrugged and stalked back inside where I retrieved a steak. I lit a fire and slowly cooked it, much to the evident horror of the orange pony I had effectively crucified.
"Don't worry, it's not any of your stallions; this is from back home," I called up whilst simultaneously snapping a picture of him.
Me, being the manly man that I am, did not cook my steak for too long, preferring the meat as rare as possible. Without, of course, killing me.
I made a show of nomming it rather messily and thoroughly, receiving a few gagging noises as a reward, and decided to retire to bed.
Except my steak-enhanced eagle eyes stopped me before I could get there. I spotted a glowly-gloo in the distance and, immediately expecting more crystals, hefted my weapons and ventured forth.
[/hr]
"Celestia above . . . "
LOOT!
An hour or so later, I stood above my prize. Crystals, yes, but more than one type, and several chests. The blatant open-ness of these things made me expect a trap, or that I was going insane, or something but nope, everything was there, ready to be taken.
"Let's see, mine,mine,mine . . . mine."
I gaped as I opened one of the chests.
"No . . . " I said.
Yes, my brain said.
I reached and and withdrew it; my new warhammer!
"I've always wanted one of these! Now there just needs to be a kilt somewhere around here . . . ."
Sadly, there was not. But that really didn't dampen my mood much. Not much really could have.
[/hr]
With my best Jeremy Clarkson "Yeeeess," I dragged the crystals into my garage where I immediately began experimenting with the crystals. There were three types in all. The Knock-Out crystals, which were white, bright blue ones which I christened "Voltage Crystals," and red ones, which were "Code Red Crystals."
The red ones, I found out, could be attract one another, like really, really strong magnets, if held at a specific angle, if that makes sense. I hadn't the slightest clue what use I could have for them, but I was sure I could figure one out.
The was the Voltages that made me the most happy I've ever been ever. At first it looked like they didn't do anything. But then I knocked one off the table and jumped at a glutteral, machine-like sound.
I spun around and drew my warhammer (Traitor's Bane, in case you're wondering) - but stopped. That sound was not one of some unknown monster. It was the sound of one of my generators starting.
I looked down and saw a trail of blue light going from the crystal I had dropped to the generator.
How inconvenient is it when two "I"s come into one place? When two entities who are techincally the same but at the same time not meet? Confusing, certainly, but not impossible to deal with.
Ergo, when my apartment on the fifteenth anniversary of the infamous 9/11 incident became enveloped with a miasmic mist and shuddered; when, after the fog colored with shades I wasn't aware that we as a human species had the ability to see, crawled away and revealed a freezing tundra of seemingly infinite expanse; when, somehow, the house of my parents before I had moved out was right next to my forcibly-extracted-by-God-I-guess aparment in that very same freezing tundra; and when I saw a much more pimply, stick-like, autistically-dressed version of my own self warring against the cartoonish equine creatures I had so dearly loved throughout my high school carreer, armed with crystalline snowballs that seemed to explode and disturb the senses, after reminding myself that I had never done any sort of psychoactive stimulant and that this in no way would have been caused by nicotine or Jack Daniel's and was thus forced to accept what I was seeing, I was not afraid of meeting my past self.
I was afraid of everything else, though. Also rather irate.
"You there! Fucker! What the shit did you do to us!"
He—I, whatever—was just dealing the Coup de grâce, as it were, to the last waking Equestrian guard as I shouted, and startled, throwing the snowball into the poor equine's face much harder than intended.
"Wai-what? Who are you? Where the frik? . . ."
His eyes widened as I approached, casting my shadow over his retarded-hat-wearing-face.
I remained silent, waiting for it to click inside his head.
"Are you . . . holy crap are you? . . ."
"You? Yes. I guess. I suppose. I believe. That is my working hypothesis. And I blame you."
"Wait, why?"
"I sure as hell didn't do anything. I remember the weird-ass shit you—I—we—were into in high school. Mr. Latin and Gothic and summoning-spells-that-are-perfectly-all-right-because-they-only-summon-benevolent-spirits. You must be from a timeline where they would actually work. I reapeat: what did you do?"
"Nothing! I promise! I was just uploading a YouTube vide—."
"Your videos sucked ass. Don't use your parents disabled phone to film. Your music sucked. You piece of shit. I hate you."
He was a little overwhelmed.
After several long moments of stunned silence, he managed to stutter out something along the lines of: "You can't be me."
I raised my eyebrow. "Oh? And whyever not?"
"I . . . I don't swear."
"No. You don't. But guess what? Within the next two years you will, and you'll also—gasp!—have sex before you're married."
"I don't beleive you."
"Yes. And you'll also pick up drinking and smoking. And also you'll go outside, and get a job, and grow up."
"Aren't you . . . I'm religious, I'm a—."
"I'm still religious. I'm just no longer a fucking cultist like you and your entire goddamned family. Come on. I was mistaken. There's no way your competent enough to have brought this about. Come look at your future apartment."
He followed silently, trudging in the snow.
I hadn't thrown anything other than my jacket on and wanted to get inside. Granted, the lack of electricity meant that inside wasn't that helpful, but over the course of being torn from my reailty and deposited into a seperate one with my past self, my brain didn't really function the way it was supposed to.
Even less, that is.
After lighting a few candles and a cigarette, I examined the sad creature before me.
Based off his little war I'd seen the ass end of, he had been having a little bit of fun. Shame. Then I had to come in and ruin everything.
And, him being me and I being he, I knew just the way to cheer him up.
"Here. Let me show you something. A few somethings, that is."
He tried to hide his interest with limited success.
Sliding open the closet I exposed the metal door of a safe. Then, after a four digit code, it swung open to reveal stuff my sophmore self would have got an erection over.
He furrowed his eyebros and gaped, leaning foward.
"Woah. Is that . . . is that an AK-4-?"
"Stop. Stop right there. Fuckwit. That is an Bushmaster AR-15. And that is a quarter of 20,000 rounds of hand-loaded ammuntion."
"You can do that?"
"Uh, yeah. 5.56s aren't shat out of Gadsen unicorn's asses. You always wanted a gas mask, right?"
"Well, yeah, I always thought they were cool. Way too expensive, though. Like, sixty dollars at least."
"If you want a gas mask for cheap, the army surplus store down the highway will sell you one for twenty bucks. It's been there the entire time you've lived here. But if you want a real gas mask, then you're going to spend at least six hundred."
I led him to the shelf of over twenty different respirators.
Again, he gaped. "Which one is the best one?" he asked.
"The best ones are buried, far from any government's eyes."
He wasn't quite sure what I meant by that.
"Hey uh . . . darn. What should I call you?"
"Senpai."
"What?"
"Nevermind. Hm. Call me . . . Longshanks."
"'Longshanks' . . . why? . . ."
"Because that's gonna be your nickname at school within the next six months, and you are going to be infinitely joyful that it's not all that negative."
"Okay then Mr. Longshanks; who's our first girlfriend?"
Of course.
I smirked.
"You don't know her yet. She's in Colorado right now. But dear God Almighty when you meet her, you will know. And you listen here you motherfucker."
He jumped.
"When you meet her, you better fucking get your shit together. Get a job, get a car, take her on dates, and make her feel loved. Don't just fucking message her on Facebook from time to time, because she's worth more than that. You have in your hands the power to stop a great number of scars on her thighs and wrists. And when she comes to Idaho and you two meet, you're gonna develop a crush on her. But let your feelings flow. She can be trusted. Fall in love with her, and when she eventually moves back to Colorado for a bit, don't you dare forget her. Better yet, with all the money you'll receive from the fucking job you're gonna get as soon as we escape from this mess, follow her. She's going to be your first love, and the One for forever." I showed him my ring.
". . . okay. . . ."
I snorted and took a drag from the Marlboro, letting the smoke caress the walls and ceilings.
"Now," I eventually said, "It looked like you were fighting a grand old war when I got here. Need some help?"
