It is the role of a Goddess to be a bastion of constancy. To see the world around her move forward, but to hide her own emotions always. So is the shell a Goddess must build up over the many ages of her life.
It is the role of a Goddess to be a bastion of constancy. To see the world around her move forward, but to hide her own emotions always. So is the shell a Goddess must build up over the many ages of her life.
What happens when that shell is broken? What does it take to move the heart of someone who has lived a thousand lifetimes? What happens when an immortal begins to regret their own life? For once in her long life, Princess Celestia isn't so sure any more.
Canterlot castle was still. The time had come; all who resided there could feel it in the air. Somewhere in a deep corner of the castle, a wooden door quietly creaked open to reveal a small bedroom. A single bed inside held an elderly pony, one who long ago lost the last of her friends, yet still held on to serve the kingdom. Twilight Sparkle, professor of magic at Canterlot University and student of Princess Celestia herself, was on her deathbed. Life prolonged through her exposure to enormous amounts of magic, she had reached the elderly age of 153, far outliving any of the other ponies she had held close in her youth. Even Spike, now a maturing dragon, had left to find his own life as a solitary creature. He currently resided in a cave on the outskirts of Equestria. He would visit once in a while, but as the years passed his visits grew less and less frequent. Canterlot was no place for a dragon of his size, and it wasn't in his nature to live so close to ponies anyways, so as the years went by, he eventually stopped coming.
A single white alicorn walked in. Tall and majestic, with a multicolored mane flowing freely in the still air. She closed the door and slowly made her way to the bedside. She had a look of quiet sadness on her face, knowing what was to come and yet unable to do anything about it. She peered down at Twilight, her body now a husk of her former self. Her lavender coat and streaked mane were faded, faded to the point that she looked more gray than anything now. She stirred in her bed, eyes opening to reveal inquisitive purple irises, never seeming to age with the rest of her. She intently looked back, not making a sound. They simply stared at each other for a few seconds, both knowing what was to come.
"How are we holding up, my dear Twilight?" she asked.
"I'm fine Princess Celestia," replied the unicorn, "As fine as I could be right now. I know it won't be long now. You know, I can feel it. I can feel the magic inside of me fading. I'm just glad I can be here with you." She smiled.
"You know, it didn't have to be like this, here," Celestia replied, "You have relatives to say goodbye to, and your students... even my sister isn't here. Spike, too. If you had requested for it, we could certainly make accommodations for him."
"No, I wanted it this way. There's a reason I requested no one else be at my bedside today. I wanted to be left alone with you. Princess, I hope I'm not overbearing, but I've never felt as close to anypony as I have to you," she said.
The princess sighed. "I know, Twilight. I do wish you wouldn't look at me in such regard, though. You have been so important in so many ponies' lives. It is belittling of you to simply acknowledge you as a friend of mine. And please, just call me by my name. I don't want to hear the formalities, not on this day."
"Thank you, Celestia," Twilight said, "Truthfully, I did want you here alone because I wanted to ask you something. Something I needed to hear from you in private, without anyone else around."
"Ask me anything you want, my faithful student."
"Pr- Celestia, I want to know. What did I really mean to you? I know you've been around for such a long time, and you've had many students under your care. In a thousand years, will I still be important to you? Will I be forgotten?"
The question caught the alicorn a bit off guard. Did she even know herself what the unicorn meant to her? She could say that she loved her, as she loved all her students, but that wasn't the full extent of it. No, she definitely didn't see her as a lover, but Twilight Sparkle was definitely much more than a friend to her. She thought for a moment, then spoke what she felt was the full truth.
"Twilight, you are one of the most special ponies to have ever graced my presence. Without you, the one I hold dearest would not be here today. There is not a single student I have ever had who could say that other than you. Those long years without my sister by my side were the worst times I have ever known. You've done so much for me in your short life, I'm not sure even I could ever fully repay you. I... I will make sure you are not forgotten, Twilight. You will always have a special place in my heart."
Celestia shook as she uttered the last sentence. She felt something stir inside of her. A feeling she was all too familiar with. The feeling of loss, the feeling of all the ones you care about slipping away before your eyes, of kingdoms come and gone. The feeling of knowing that unlike all the ponies she cared so much about, she herself would never pass on with them. At least her sister was back by her side, she took solace in that fact.
"Thank you, Celestia. It's really nice to hear that I mean so much to you. I'm sorry I can't be around any longer. I guess I'll finally be reunited with my friends. It's been so long," Twilight said, looking out at the ceiling. Celestia held out a hoof and Twilight took it, both ponies basking in the warm touch of the other.
The alicorn looked away. She'd been through this before. She had experienced it many times throughout her life. I've gotten used to it by now. She thought to herself. But something was different this time. Something she couldn't quite put her hoof around. She was an alicorn, eternal, ageless and changeless. She closed her eyes and felt the trickle of tears flow down her face. It was wrong, it was all wrong.
"Celestia, are you... okay?" she heard a soft voice say from the bed. She opened her eyes and looked back down at the bed.
In her mind raced thoughts of a time before Twilight Sparkle. Before the incident many years ago that had brought her sister back to Equestria. She was so lonely then. Celestia, sole monarch of all of Equestria and raiser of the sun and moon, had been alone. So terribly, terribly alone. When she took Twilight Sparkle as a student, she knew that the young filly had enormous potential. She treated her as any teacher would treat a prized student. It all changed that night, though. The thousands years of solitude had tempered her soul. When she gazed upon the small form of her long-lost sister, however, a spark inside of her relit. To the rest of the world, there was simply another princess. To Celestia, however, she had found happiness once again, after a long thousand years of suffering. And she owed it all to the mare in front of her.
"It's funny isn't it," Celestia said, "You're about to pass on, and yet I'm the one who is here crying. So unbefitting of a princess." She laughed weakly. "I'm truly fine, my faithful student. It's just been a long time since I've lost someone so precious to me."
"I'm still here right now," Twilight said. She coughed, heaving coughs that betrayed her fading strength. When she opened her mouth to speak again, the words came slowly. "I lived a full life, as did all my friends. There's still so research to be done, and so many papers to write, but I know others will take care of everything in my absence. I taught them myself. Oh Celestia, there are still projects left undone, but I'm just happy that I will be rejoining my friends. I'll miss you though, I'll never not miss you."
Celestia's heart ached. "Twilight, I am also happy for you. I have a question for you as well, if you do not mind," she said, "I'm sure it's something you've thought about in the past."
"Go on," Twilight said, "What is it?"
"Twilight Sparkle, if given the choice to live forever, would you take it?" she asked.
"Is that an offer, Princess?" Her eyes stared up at the alicorn, hesitation overflowing in them.
"Just Celestia, please. And no, it is merely a 'what if.' I cannot bestow or take away eternal life, whether I want to or not."
"Hm... You're right. I have thought about it before," she seemed to calm down, "Please don't take this the wrong way, Celestia, but I don't think I could ever bear to live forever. It's just that I don't think I'm strong enough. Not like you, Princess," Twilight said, "Losing my friends one by one was devastating to me. I don't think I could ever have the strength to go through with that for all of eternity."
"It is very hard indeed. Truthfully, right now I am questioning my own strength. Your answer is exactly what I wanted to hear, Twilight. My long life has been a blessing indeed, for I love serving my kingdom. I hold a deep love for all of my subjects, and it warms my heart to see them flourish under my rule. But alongside the blessing, it is also a great curse. Moments like these, they make my life so very difficult. This is a life I would not wish upon any other pony besides my sister and I," she said, "I just needed to hear it from your mouth. Think of it as one last test question, I suppose."
Twilight smiled. "I haven't had a test in a long time," she whispered, "Celestia, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I can't say I regret anything that's happened to me, but knowing the loss that you will experience in my absence... Though speaking of my past, there's another reason I wanted you here today as well." She tried to take a deep breath and winced, pain wracking her tired body.
"Easy, Twilight. I'm here for you."
"Celestia, I know it's been many decades, over a century even. There's something I wanted to say to you today. Something that I tried to write, but then decided I needed to tell you in person," she looked up at Celestia, an intensity burning in her eyes. "I always regretted no longer sending you friendship reports, Celestia. I just thought it was appropriate *cough* to end our time together here with one last friendship report. Would you like to hear it?"
"I, too, regretted the end of your reports, but you were done with your studies. You were a grown mare, ready to live your own life, and there was no longer any need to let me know what you had learned in your day to day excursions," she said, "Now go on, speak your mind."
She closed her eyes and started to speak, clear words a stark contrast to her fading body.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
"My time here is coming to an end. I've been around for so long, the world around me seems to just fly by now. I feel that the world doesn't need me around anymore, and with that knowledge, I can pass on peacefully. I've learned a lot about friendship in my life, and I want you to know that it was all thanks to your help.
"Without you I never would have come out of my shell. If you had never sent me off to Ponyville, I probably would have stayed friendless and alone for my whole life. You taught me how to live, and because of you I found so many wonderful friends to share my life with. We ponies are social creatures, something I never truly understood until I met my friends in Ponyville.
"I can only hope that my passing isn't too hard on you. We've both suffered much loss in our lives. My friends are all gone. I know that what I felt when I saw the last of my friends slip away is nothing compared to what you've had to face in your lifetime, but I have felt the same feelings of loss that you do now.
"I go on now having had my life determined by the close friends I kept. Princess, you were the truest friend I could ever ask for. I've learned that friendship is the most powerful form of magic out there. I've also learned that with time, all friendships have to come to an end eventually. I go to my rest now in peace, with you at my side. I am truly honored to have had you as my friend, Celestia.
"Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle"
Celestia continued to hold Twilight's hoof as she relaxed into the bed. She held on until she felt the warmth fade from her grasp. The princess of the sun closed her eyes as a single tear ran down her face.
The wooden door swung open once more. A midnight blue alicorn, smaller than Celestia, made her way into the room, a look of concern on her face. She quietly closed the door and looked down at the bed. Celestia was deathly still, her eyes locked on the body in front of them. Luna took her seat beside the older alicorn and spoke.
"So she's gone," the younger sister said, "Are you going to be alright, 'Tia?"
It was over. She was really gone. Celestia shuddered at the thought. What had come over her? She needed time. Time and space away from everything would help clear her mind.
"Lulu, I- I honestly can't say," she looked down into the corner, not wanting to make eye contact with her sister, "She was... she was special. Very special."
"Yes, 'Tia, I know. She meant a lot to both of us. Just give it some time. I'm here, I can talk if you want. I can handle court duty for you for as long as you need me to. Take as much time as you want, I know it'll all pass in time." Luna's words rang out in the silent room. Her voice carried a tone of deep concern, yet something felt off. Celestia pondered the thought for a moment. It was definitely wrong, wrong in some way Celestia couldn't quite put her hoof on. It was... too formal. Yes, that was it. Too formal, with a hint of command buried in it, urging Celestia to just forget everything and just move on.
She couldn't do that, could she? She had promised Twilight she would not be forgotten. No, she'd never forget about her. That was impossible. Her mind filled with scrambled thoughts. Thoughts about her duties, about the quiet body laying in front of her, about the burden that she would be putting on her sister. Her sister, who she needed now more than ever, currently sitting beside her, who wouldn't be here without Twilight in the first place.
"Sister, how do you feel about all this?" she asked turning to look Luna in the eyes, "What did you feel about Twilight? Tell me everything."
Luna looked back, seeing the pained look in her sister's eyes. She thought for a moment, taking time to make sure the words were right.
"Today is a very tragic day. Twilight was an amazing mare, serving our kingdom all the way to the end. Her name is one that should be passed on through the generations as a hero of Equestria, for the rest of history. And she is one of the best friends I have ever known."
Celestia pondered the response. "Sister, you say that she should be known for the rest of history. What do you think history is?"
"History? It's what is written and remembered by our little ponies across generations, is it not? All the things that happened before I came back from the moon, that's history, is it not? Maybe not all accurate, surely we should know that not everything written about the events leading up to our quarrel was, but that's history to the world. What do you think history is, 'Tia?" she asked, not quite sure what her sister was trying to get at.
Celestia sighed. "We have been around for as long as any recorded history, and even further back. We will be around long after this generation is long gone, and the next, and on and on. We both know that what's written and what's remembered is often wrong. So why does her memory have to be one passed down through such inaccurate records? I... I don't want to lose her to history, Lulu. I don't know what I'd do-"
"I understand your concern, 'Tia, but you and I both know there are things we cannot change. It is our duty to ensure the happiness and safety of our ponies, and to keep their lives moving on. It's all about them, isn't it? It can't be about us. Things just don't work that way," she said. It would be Luna who truly understood what it was like to be behind the scenes. She was always the "other," always the one doing work behind the scenes as her sister was the one seen as in charge of everything. It didn't have to be that way, did it? Celestia opened her mouth to offer a word of resistance, but stopped herself. She turned her head down and thought in silence.
She pondered what her sister had said. It was not right to force the kingdom to change because of her feelings. She knew this. She knew it, and yet, her heart just couldn't let go of that unicorn. Her thoughts began to drift towards darker times. She thought of the crushing loneliness she had endured over the thousand years that her sister was absent. Twilight had saved Luna! Without Twilight, her world would still be lonely.
But the kingdom went on. The kingdom always moved on, as long as someone was there to raise the sun and the moon. She had always hidden her feelings, always buried them inside of her shell, buried them in a place where no one would ever find them. That Celestia, the one of a thousand years ago, that was the Celestia that Equestria needed. Not this one, sitting in a lonely corner of the castle, sobbing like a filly. Suddenly that lonely world was all that she could think about.
"Sister... you needn't be here. I can handle myself, and I can handle Equestria. Somewhere, in these past two centuries, I became weak. I just need to find myself again," she spoke in a monotone, her head still a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions.
Luna seemed unsatisfied. "You're just saying things, Cel. You're just feeling pain from losing someone so close to us. I'm feeling it too. You're letting the pain talk for you. Please, rest and clear your head. Just take some time for yourself, and I'm sure we can go back to how things-"
"NO!" Celestia shouted. "For those thousand years, I raised and lowered the moon myself, did I not?"
A voice started speaking to her in her mind. You don't need her. You were strong without her. You did everything without her for a thousand years, and never broke. She is the reason you can't serve your ponies to your fullest, don't you see? She's the problem, clear as day. And besides, she'll just remind you of Twilight.
Celestia's horn lit up. "Sister, for a thousand years, I did everything you do now." Her horn began to shine brighter and brighter, energy rapidly building up.
"Please, 'Tia, you're not thinking straight!" Luna shouted, her own horn lighting up in response, "This can't possibly be what you want." Her eyes stared at Celestia with a look of pleading desperation. She hadn't meant to let it come to this. She needed to get her sister under control somehow. "Please, just listen to me. Just let me take care of things for a while-"
"I DON'T NEED YOU!" Celestia screamed, a beam of magic flying out from her horn towards Luna. A flash of light burst from where the beam was pointed, and in an instant, Luna was gone. Teleported away. Celestia started to look around the room, trying to find any trace of Luna's magic that would tell her where she had gone. Suddenly, it dawned on her what she was doing.
"Oh Luna, what am I doing... I can't believe I just..." she sighed to herself. She crouched down, curling her body up as small as she could manage, and started to cry. How had she let her emotions get to her like this? She had snapped, almost sent her sister back to the moon. It was unacceptable. She didn't deserve to be a Princess. She didn't deserve anything. She had let her emotions control her, and had almost sent away the one pony closest to her.
"Sister, please come back, I need you here," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry for everything."
There was no response. She was still alone in the room. Alone, with just the body of her closest friend for the last one and a half centuries lying dead in a bed beside her. She wanted to scream. Thoughts of Twilight raced to the alicorn's mind. Twilight would never have wanted this. A sickening feeling bubbled up through Celestia's body.
Luna was right. She just needed time. Time, the thing she had plenty of. The one thing that both Princesses knew they would never want more of. Curled up, crying on the floor, she closed her eyes and slept.
Celestia's eyes slowly opened. She felt the softness of a mattress under her, sheets covering her body. She was in a bed one her size, but not entirely familiar to her. As she awoke, she noticed something was wrong. She glanced at the dark blue sheets and looked around the room. She had woken up in Luna's bedroom.
"How are we feeling, sister? Better now?" Celestia turned to look at the door. Luna looked back, caution showing on her face, still worried about how she would react.
Celestia looked the other way, towards the balcony of the tower. The sun was rising. A bit off course, and Celestia wasn't quite sure if the time was right, but it was moving. It was moving without her. A pang of guilt shot through her as she remember what she had said to her sister the previous day.
"You... You did-" Luna simply nodded. "I'm so sorry, Lulu. I screwed up so bad yesterday. I don't deserve you."
"You deserve me, just as I deserve you. We're sisters, and I don't want anything to come between us again. We don't have anyone else. Besides, 'Tia, I deserve part of the blame as well. I tried to rush you when you were still in a really bad place with your emotions," Luna said.
They were both quiet. She thought back through the millennia of her existence. Friends from ages long ago flew through her head as she scoured her memories. She needed to know, needed to know what had caused her to snap yesterday.
She remembered the friends she lost before the Nightmare. They had never affected her like that. The first one was really bad, she recalled, but she had always kept a calm head, at least in public. It would not do for a Goddess to falter when the ponies of Equestria needed her. Besides, she always had her sister to turn to.
That was it, wasn't it? Losing her sister for a thousand years. Having so much built up pain and suffering from those long years, pain and suffering she couldn't ever show anyone else. Twilight had opened the door to her past life for her, the happier life she had lived with Luna by her side. The life where she knew that no matter what happened, she was not alone. Twilight had represented for her something she had lost for a millennium. And on top of that, she was the best friend she had known in a very long time. Twilight was a test for her. A test that she had failed. She hung her head.
"Sister, I think you're right," she said, "We have a kingdom to run. I can't let anything else get in the way of that."
Luna looked back at her for a moment, then nodded. "It is our task. Our gift, and our curse. We can only hope that we have learned from our mistakes and don't repeat them."
Celestia got up from the bed. She felt like she had finally completed a part of a puzzle that had eluded her for her entire life. She was reminded again about why it was so hard to truly form bonds with anyone as a Goddess.
"Hey, Lulu. Do you remember when we were little? Do you remember what our father told us when we first discovered our place in the world?" she asked. Luna nodded. They both remembered that moment clearly. A moment not unlike the past day, when they saw the first of their Equestrian ponies pass away before them. A moment where both of them wanted to give up, wanted to announce the futility of their lives as Princesses. What good did it do them to raise and lower the sun and the moon if the ponies they cared for would all just die in the end?
Luna took a deep breath. She repeated those words that were given to them millennia ago, those words that gave them their place in the world, the words that hammered home the true meaning of their status.
"You both now understand both life and death. All beings under your rule will begin life, grow, and eventually die. So the cycle must be completed. Celestia, Luna, you are Goddesses. It is the role of a Goddess to be a bastion of constancy. To see the world around her move forward, but to hide her own emotions always. So is the shell a Goddess must build up over the many ages of her life. My daughters, I now entrust this world to you. Equestria is now yours. I know you will make me proud."
The words echoed in Celestia's mind. She finally understood. Her heart... she couldn't let anyone into it. Not all the way; she could never lose herself in someone or she could risk her shell breaking. It was so simple, yet so hard.
Celestia took in a deep breath. She was ready to move forward. There was work to be done. A funeral to plan, announcements to make to Equestria about the loss of a national hero, all sorts of court business to attend to. Heart filled with regret, Celestia began to walk.
