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Sometimes in the history of literature there comes a work that has to be written. Sometimes it isn't the popular opinion, but it is one that needs to be stated. I'm the man writing the ninety five thesis and nailing them to your door. This is not so much a pony fanfic, as it is a movement in the geo-political landscape of fimfiction.
It was a lovely day in ponyville as fluttershy was running from her pursuer screaming.
“I’m coming to punch you in the butt hole!” taunted Yarma.
“No!” fluttershy cried as she ran as fast as she could to the one place she was safe: sugar cube corner. After arriving inside the bakery she found rainbow dash and pinkie pie engaging in making out.
“Slurp slurp.” said pinkie pie.
“Slurp” replied rainbow dash.
“Oh rainbow dash this is the best relationship I have ever been in, also the pony lesbian sex is cool.”
“Twenty percent cooler.” said rainbow dash deploying the catchphrase.
“Um sorry if I am interrupting anything guys, but I really wanted some cupcakes.” said fluttershy timidly.
“You are not interrupting at all!” rainbow dash spoke after she untangled her tongue from pinkies’ “In fact pinkie is running a shop here, and we are being unprofessional by making out on the counter!” Just as dash and pinkie were heaving their flanks off the counter to do some actual baking one twilight sparkle burst into the door because the scene has started to drag.
“Guys I think I may be teen pregnant!” said the lilac unicorn as she gasped for breath. The other ponies could only stare in dull surprise, and none could muster a reply. “By spike!” the lilac unicorn finished.
“Well rarity makes clothes.” Fluttershy began to explain. “So it stands to reason she would have some clothes hangers.” Fluttershy finished the tedious explanation.
“Lets go pro-choice a baby out of a bitch!” yelled rainbow dash in excitement. The lilac unicorn and her friends, who are also colorful ponies but i feel it didn’t need to be stated, went to the carousel boutique during normal business hours.
“Welcome to carou- oh geeze its you guys.” said rarity the unicron who was trying to run a business. “Can I help you in some way that does not involve dress making?”
“Yes.” said fluttershy who had now moved about three feet from the door which she had just entered. “we need to procure a wire coat hanger.” She spoke for the other ponies who were now pretty extraneous to the plot.
“Are you implying that I would own a wire coat hanger?” Rarity the unicorn said obviously enraged by the very idea as she was prone to be.
“N-no we would never even think the thought.” said the lilac unicorn as she turned around to notice a meteor as it was about to impact a carrot farm inhabited by carrot farmers, which was in view out of a window in the boutique. The meteor formed a crater, ponies crawling out of the crater.
“What the fuck was that?” said fluttershy a little out of character. Meanwhile at sweet apple acres big macintosh had just returned with the smarty pants doll raising continuity questions, when applejack began speaking with him while naked.
“Gee golly howdy big macintosh I would like to make out with rainbow dash yonder, but I am totally afraid she will reject my southern feelings! Tarnation! Consarnit!
“Why don’t you just go and ask her, and hope for the best?” Replied big mac the heroin needle dangling from his arm.
“Landsakes! I guess I’ll do that then. Howdy howdy howdy howdy.” Applejack began making the arduous journey to the one place where she knew she could find rainbow dash. After arriving there applejack made a conversation with rainbow dash, both were naked. “Rainbow dash I would very much like it if you could dump pinkie pie and commence to courting me.” Said applejack, who had removed her hat in a gesture to show she was emotionally serious. Rainbow dash was now faced with the most serious choice she could have ever been faced with.
“Good thing that I the element of loyalty am not monogamous isn’t it.” Dash said applying the cool sunglasses.
“Nuts! I guess this calls for a pony orgy! Wallop my withers! Howdy.” Replied applejack. That night in applejack’s barn all the ponies in town gathered for the biggest orgy in ponyville history, though there had been many contenders. Trixie is now in this story.
The ponies happily had all kinds of pony sex into the wee hours of the morning and on into the day, and then into the next night. The punchline is anal fisting.
Rarity sighed, and stared at the couples walking about in the town square. She had a strong passion within her heart, which is polite talk for being really fucking horny all the goddamn time and no one liked to hang out with her because it was really distracting and awkward. But she couldn't help it, she was that deeply in romantic love with Princess Celestia, her sassy and independent goddess of all pony kind. Yes, it was a love not born out of desire for material wealth, political status, or physical lust, but something deep and heartfelt.
But she felt wrong about her strong passion. First off, she kept making a mess of the sheets. Second, her mother always told her being gay was wrong, and despite the fact that this doesn't make much logical sense as there is no real reason for a stigma against homosexuality to exist as the ruling deity was sitting right there in the capitol. This is what gave the fashion designer her brilliant idea, she would just ask Celestia about the subject. The trip to Canterlot was not that far as she traveled down the highways that were dark, and crowded by other ponies as usual.
Deeper into the underground she traveled her heart beating faster, and faster in anticipation “Of course the princess would accept my feelings! She has always been a gentle and kind ruler who has laid many eggs over the last thousand years.” The thought of Celestia smiling kindly at her, her royal mandibles clicking out of love, gave Rarity renewed strength as she shuffled towards the Royal chamber.
“My
dear
Rarity
what
brings you to my Egg Laying Chamber this evening?” The mighty pulsating abdomen of the princess occasionally spewing forth a new pony, almost caused rarity to lose her will, but she worked up the strength to ask her question.
“what does your majesty think of two mares being together, romantically?” Rarity bit her lip hoping desperately that her question didn’t offend the all powerful ruler. What felt like an eternity passed in that chamber the only sound was worker drones hastily collecting and moving the pupae ponies as they were Birthed. An eternity to the shiny drone pony, but less than a second to an immortal.
“I am accepting of such relationships loyal drone.” Spoke Celestia in a booming voice. “Why would you ask such a question.” The statement was punctuated by the birth of the Toolaroola larva.
“Because the one my carapace craves, is you princess.” Rarity spoke, her feelers pointed at the ground to indicate that this was hard for her to say.
“I have waited for a thousand years birthing pony, after pony in the hopes that one day I would meet one such as yourself.” Tears forming in her compound eyes as she spoke. “I reciprocate your affections my dear.”
Rarity's face began to flush. “Take me please princess!” she ran towards the princess their teeth like protrusions meeting in the best semblance of a kiss they could manage. Just as Celestia had deployed the first 3 of her prehensile penises a strange gas filled the entire colony.
Worker ponies scrambled, in vain, to save as many larvae as they could as the poison overtook them. Rarity being of weak constitution died in Celestias six arms.
The princess weeps openly.
Her love lie dead.
There was no reason to continue anymore.
Nothing.
Death.
“thanks Spike for helping get rid of those pesky ants in my garden.” Said Rarity patting the little purple dragon on the head.
“You are most welcome Miss Rarity.” Spike said giving a little bow.
“I believe you deserve to have a special gem for all your work today.” Rarity and spike walked towards the home and place of business of the light grey unicorn.
“Now if there was only some way I could tell Princess Celestia I am madly in love with her.” Rarity said quietly to herself. Spike was skipping happily back to the library, having received a gem from his most beloved.
As the words left her mouth a white alicorn had burst through the ceiling. Rarity could only stare at the gleaming sun goddess that stood before her.
“I thought i heard that a certain pony was in need of a royal horning.” Celestia said smugly.
“Oh fuck yes!” squealed Rarity.
Yarma looked on from outside the window. The two ponies oblivious to his voyeurism, continued the escapades long into the night.
Rainbow Dash was never the type of pony to settle down. However a little under a year ago she made a decision to do just that. To settle down with Pinkie Pie, to have foals of her own. She had regretted every day she had woken up since then. Except when she went to her little paradise in, equestria. Mercifully, her weather making shift had ended for the day. The time to partake in booze and easy mares was approaching almost as fast as she could fly to the sleaziest bar in Ponyville, or anywhere in the tristate area for that matter.
She soaked in the sight of her favorite place in the world as she would soon be soaking her abused liver in adult beverages. The door opened with that same satisfying creak, and the smell of smoke, cider, and regret carried her as a fiery chariot would carry a prophet to heaven. Her final reward. "Tonight I'm coming home in a coma if it fucking kills me," Rainbow said with her famous confident sneer.
"Only if you can pay the bill this time, honey." Junebug said the same thing every time the pegasus came in. She still never paid her tab.
"Have my wife pay it," Rainbow said adding a laugh to the end. Her standard reply, and a cruel joke about the state of her life.
"I mean it this time Dash! Do you have any idea how much you even owe around town?" Junebug, despite her employment as a prostitute, did care about the self-destructive mare that came to see her almost nightly. "You never used to be like this."
Frustration began to rear its head as Dash felt her plans for the night crumple under the weight of those dreaded words. "If I wanted to hear bitching I would go on home and get it for free. Are you working tonight or not?" The question was useless however, Rainbow could see that she was not going to get what she wanted here. "Fine. Fuck you I'm out."
Junebug didn't have time to say anything before Dash had stormed out to parts unknown. "Dash! Wait!" She hung her head knowing her plea did not reach the ears of the pony she had fallen for.
"Lookth like thomeone ith getting a beating from their pimp!" Twists' smarmy retort made the bar break out into laughter. She could bathe in the adoration of drunken morons forever.
Meanwhile at Sweet Apple Acres, a certain Earth Pony was ruminating. "That whore Dash rejected my Southern Feelings." Applejacks thoughts were focused on how to gain revenge for being put into the Friend Zone. "She has to pay for taking a stupid bitch like Pinkie Pie instead of an intelligent mare such as myself." She sat down at the blueprints that laid out her plan for Southern Vengeance.
A rainbow streak flashed across the sky as Dash made her way to her best friend’s house at the edge of the Everfree Forest. "I can't wait to pull a mouthful of that pink mane!" mused our hero. "Nothing can get me off quite like tears in those big pathetic eyes!"
Rainbow pounded on the door hard enough to startle every creature dwelling inside. "Open your heart to the snake oil peddler, Fluttershy!"
Fluttershy buried her face into the pillow trying desperately to stifle the sobs. Maybe if she stayed quiet enough Rainbow would go away. Maybe if Fluttershy prayed hard enough Rainbow would fall over dead. The yellow pegasus drug her body to the door and opened it. She knew that she couldn't avoid it.
