Yes, another HiE story! An unsuspecting human wakes up one day only to find that when he has ramen for breakfast, he is sent to Equestria.
Just a few notes: 1.) I did this story on a request from one of my friends at my New Year's party last night and we may/may not have been a tad bit inebriated when the request was given. 2.) This story is complete and utter bullshit and it's just to waste some stupid ideas about a HiE story that I wanted to write. 3.) Listen to this whenever you make ramen: [youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0d8Wavxjds]
This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc. Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
That god-damn pot of breakfast ramen
Afternoon sunlight drifted between my window shades and perched themselves upon my eyelids, making me wake from a heavy sleep. I groaned and rolled over to try to fall back asleep, but it was to no avail. I drearily rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sat up in my bed, throwing my bed sheets off of my body while dryly smacking my lips. My head still gently throbbed from the new year’s party last night, but I had some more important things to do, such as get the overly dry taste of straight dry-gin out of my mouth.
I stumbled out of bed and into my bathroom to wash my face and drink some deliciously contaminated Buffalonian water straight from the tap. Now as any Buffalonian knows, it’s really not that great of an idea to drink water straight from the tap, especially when it glows faintly (gotta love the all the shit in our waters). However, I didn’t give that much of a fuck as I drank to get the sleep and taste of gin out of my system. I quickly washed my face with the cold water and looked up into the mirror. My curly hair was a mess and my chocolate brown eyes were a little bloodshot, but I gave myself a quick smile. I walked back into my bed room and looked at the clock which told me it was 13:42 hours, or 1:42 in the afternoon. I scratched my back as I left the room to pursue the commodity every person in history has traveled continents and seas for: food.
The old wooden stairs of my shared apartment creaked as I walked down them in nothing but my pajama bottoms and I quickly checked around the corners of the stairwell. My roomie’s bedroom was on the bottom floor, and he hated it when I walked around half dressed. He said it was a sign of uncleanliness. I said he needed to get over it.
“Jake?” I called out to see if he was waiting in ambush. When no answer came, I knew he must be out doing some jogging or some other health-nut sort of activity. I eased myself into my kitchen and rummaged through the pantry for something to eat for breakfast. My pantry door swung open with the slightest of ease and I sighed to myself looking at the strange mix of food in there that only can be found in a home of poor college kids like us. Jake had organized the top of the pantry with his health-nut stuff like quick protein shakes, long-grain rice meals, various cliff bars, and a bunch of those energy gummies that long distance runners have. Jake was always like this and I used to be too, back when I had the time and had a girlfriend who ran marathons. When we broke up, I went back to being the semi-healthy nerd I had always been, which can explain the other half of our pantry and my breakfast choice.
My half of the pantry, the bottom half, was filled with semi-healthy junk. Much of it was breakfast cereals, canned corns and peas, but a full shelf was resigned to my cheap-grocery store ramens and pad thais. I pulled one of those ramen packages out of the pantry and swore as some of the other things like graham crackers and Oreos fell out of the jumbled mess. I picked them up with a sigh and shoved them back into the pantry while shutting its door and going over to my sink. I grabbed a small pot from above the sink and filled it with some more Buffalonian water and put it on my stove, turning on the burner to let the water boil. I let it warm up while I grabbed a pair of chopsticks from our utensil drawer, knowing the only way to eat ramen was with the sticks-it just felt right, as any other nerd like I can attest.
Our wall phone, an old timey yellow corded thing with one of those dial wheels that I managed to fix for my grandmother and got as a present, rung while I was fixing my breakfast at lunch time and I picked it up.
“Will speaking.” I said into the earpiece as I held it against my head with my shoulder. I opened the package of ramen and dumped the noodles into the boiling pot of water, catching the flavor packet fright before it fell into the water.
“’Sup Will. You wanna go play some football in the snow later today?” my friend Matt asked through the phone, making his normal deep voice sound tinny.
“I don’t know man, I’m still kinda tired from last night.”
“Don’t be such a bitch. Come on, we need another guy.”
I stirred the noodles with my chopsticks while I talked with my friend and turned off the stove burner. I opened the packet and poured the yellow-green contents, some sort of chicken flavoring, into the pot of hot noodles, stirring it even more to let the tasty ramen-y goodness seep into the noodles.
“Could I at least eat breakfast first?” I asked my friend.
“No.” he said with a stupid laugh that made me roll my eyes and grin.
“Ok, I’ll be at the…” I started, but was cut off by beeping in the phone’s receiver. “Matt let me call you back; I got somebody on the other line.”
“Derp!” he said making me laugh as he hung up. I pressed the other line button on the phone and grabbed my pot of ramen in one hand. “Hello, Will speaking.” I said into the phone.
That was when it happened. I didn’t hear anything, but I felt an odd compression around me, my world getting heavier and smaller, until I closed my eyes and almost fell over from the pressure. But then, It all disappeared. I felt myself stagger around and found my counter near an arm’s length away. I put my pot of hot ramen on the counter and held onto it with both hands, gritting my teeth from the pain splitting my skull.
“Fuck!” I shouted as my arms gave way and I fell to the hard linoleum floor. Only that the floor wasn’t linoleum. And it wasn’t cold or that hard. In fact, it felt warm and rough like wood.
Wood?
My eyes shot open and I clutched my head in pain as the light invaded my brain, sending every neuron in my skull into overdrive. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, fuck, ow.” I stammered as I rolled around on the wood floor, wondering what was going on. Eventually the pain subsided and I cracked an eye open. I was astounded by what I saw.
Instead of my kitchen, I found myself in the middle of a wooden, cozy kitchen where everything was much smaller and I was dreadfully confused. How the hell did I get here? And where the fuck was “here” anyway? I tenderly stood up and smacked the top of my head on the ceiling. “Shit!” I said as I rubbed my heavily throbbing skull. I knew my head didn’t need any more of this shit. Thus, I slowly looked around the room, seeing a small sink, stove, table with four small chairs, backdoor, and a tiny glass window in the strangely wooden and curved wall. I walked over to it gently and looked out of it, bracing myself on the sink beneath it. I was astounded yet again. Where there should have been a cold Buffalonian winter with a shit-ton of snow, there was a warm spring day. However the worst of it was that I didn’t recognize any of the landscape outside.
My mind raced as I went over this information. Not in home: check. Not even in Buffalo: check. However, I started to look at myself to make sure nothing was wrong, for this could all be a really vivid dream, or maybe one of my buddies would have thought it was funny to drop something in my drink last night; hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time.
“Ten toes, ten fingers, still no shirt.” I said to myself as I looked over my body. I ran my hands through my thick curly hair and sighed pleasantly, happy that was still there. I rubbed my face to make sure everything was good there and I looked over to my pot of still steaming ramen. Never in my nerdy little life have I been happier to see such a sight. Not only was I starving, but that pot of ramen was a friend in this strange world. I walked over to it and grabbed it while pulling out one of those small chairs at the table out. I walked over to the table, put the pot of ramen on it, sat down the small chair which gave an ominous creak, and stared into the steam coming off of the ramen.
I crossed my hands in front of me. I was in a strange place, hopefully all just a terrible dream/trip thanks to a friend’s prank. But whatever my wear mind thought next was torn asunder by the sound of something behind me. I quickly turned to look behind me towards a door I didn’t notice before. It was made out of wood too, but was on a different side of the kitchen wall and my suspicions told me it led into another room.
“Well that didn’t work.” Said a childish voice as the noise of what sounded like muffled knocking came closer to the door.
“These old spells don’t always work Spike. It’s just luck of the draw.” said a female voice.
“But I wanted to see one of those things that book talked about.” replied the same child’s voice.
“Maybe the next one will work Spike.”
“Oh well. Let’s get some breakfast!” the childish voice shouted with enthusiasm.
The female voice giggled. “Ok Spike.” The doorknob started to turn and the door swung open, tearing my mind asunder.
“Hey,” asked a small purple and green thing that was unmistakably a dragon as he turned to the purple unicorn behind himself, “do you smell something Twilight?” The purple unicorn behind him just returned my wide eyed look of surprise and terror as she saw me sitting at their kitchen table. At this point, I saw the dragon and unicorn react to my presences, but my sense of hearing left me in its entirety as my vision started to go fuzzy. I slowly turned in my seat, the air around me like jelly, and I looked down to my pot of ramen. I stared at it for a second, but then picked up my chopsticks and picked up a wad of noodles with it. I blew on them as to not burn myself and started to eat.
I knew that this was going to be one hell of a long day.
I make some Star Wars references and (almost) nobdy gets them
This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc. Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
I make some Star Wars references and (almost) nobody gets them
“Spike! I did it” was the first thing I heard as my hearing came back. This was followed by a bunch of “squees” as I heard something else make a choking noise. ‘People actually do that outside of the internet?’ I thought to myself as I finished off my ramen before realizing the creatures behind me weren’t human.
“Where the fuck am I?” I asked heavily before standing up to wash out my pot in the sink. I didn’t look back once, hoping I really was just in a fucked up dream.
“Oh uh, you’re in Ponyville!” said the same unicorn’s voice as I rinsed the pot out. However, this struck a chord with me. I turned off the water and put the pot in the sink before turning around slowly.
“Like the place on my sisters’ favorite tv show?” I asked the purple unicorn with suspicion. Recently, I had learned of a tv show that my three younger sisters loved. Whenever I visited, I would watch it with them just so I could spend some time with them and I agreed that it was a pretty cute show. I wouldn’t watch it religiously, but some of my favorite voice actors and other creators of my favorite childhood cartoons apparently worked on the show. It was called My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic and I knew from my internet usage that it had become a pretty big sensation over the last year. I knew about these “Bronies” and my sisters declared that I was one of them now. Hell, I’m all fine with being called things, but I really didn’t know much about the show other than it took place in a fake town cleverly called Ponyville. And now that I looked at the unicorn and small dragon, my eyes grew wide as I recognized them.
“Holy shit. You’re Twilight Sparkle. And the little motherfucker over there is Spike. Shit dude.” I said in astonishment, so much so I didn’t care I was swearing in front of a child and lady…er mare.
Twilight gave me a glare, realizing all my expletives must have been swears. I rubbed the back of my head and gave her a sheepish smile.
“Twilight, what’s a ‘mother fucker’?” Spike asked the unicorn and I started to laugh.
“Spike, go write a letter to Princess Celestia. Tell her that I’m coming to the castle with a human.” Twilight said with a gentle voice while she frowned at the swearing. Spike looked between Twilight and I and he nodded, go back out the door he and Twilight entered. As he left, going upstairs from what the sounds of his footsteps told me, Twilight stared me down. She didn’t look too happy that Spike now knew some human swears, but more importantly, she looked like she was studying me.
“How did you know who we were?” Twilight asked.
“You guys are from my sisters’ favorite tv show. Hell, I remember buy my one sister a plushie of you for her last birthday. I must totally be tripping to be talking to you…” I said as I shook my head, trying to remember which drink I had last night must have been spiked. Maybe it was the one Josh… no it was definitely the one Schafy gave me. It was totally something he would do.
“Tripping?” she asked me with a tilt of her head. “No, I summoned you here with a spell.”
“Ok.” I laughed at the hallucination. “So if that’s…” I said as I tried to walk towards her, but slipped on some water on the floor, falling down and smashing my forehead against the hard wooden floor.
“Sonofabitch!” I shouted as I held my head. “How many times am I going to hit my head today?”
“Oh my gosh! Are you alright?” Twilight asked from above me.
“Yeah I’m fine. Just hit my head for the millionth time today after being supposedly dumped in a world from a tv show. Now why couldn’t I end up on Kashyyyk?” I said sarcastically.
“Cash-ik?” Twilight repeated. I just sighed. Of course this world wouldn’t get any of my movie, video games, and meme references. “I find your lack of Star Wars knowledge disturbing.” I replied in Darth Vader’s throaty voice as I heard Spike come back down the stairs. “Princess Celestia wants us to come to Canterlot right away!” Spike said quickly, cutting off Twilight as she was about to say something to me, probably a question about what Star Wars was. Instead, she closed her mouth and nodded briskly, her horn starting to light up. “Hey, what are you doing?” I asked suddenly scared for no apparent reason. “Hold still.” Spike instructed me as Twilight’s horn glowed bright lavender. “Wait, we aren’t…” My words were lost as a flash of magical energy consumed us all.
“Fu…ULARGH!” I shouted as I threw up in a trashcan outside Canterlot Castle. After our teleportation, I had all of five seconds to admire the large castle of marble and its sights before I spotted the trash can and my stomach threw a revolt against my body. Magical movement and human tummies don’t ever mix. Ever.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know this would happen.” Twilight said apologetically for the millionth time since we arrived in what I assumed was Canterlot. As I pulled away from the garbage can, yet still keeping a death grip on it, I glared at her. “Never. Fucking. Again.” I told her malevolently as my stomach churned and I bent over the garbage can again, expecting the worst. However, it didn’t come and I breathed heavily for a few seconds. I pulled away from the garbage can and wiped my mouth on my arm realizing I was still wearing just my pajama bottoms, yet I was going to meet a princess. I was so under-dressed, but whatever. If all the other ponies were like Twilight, then I’d be fine just walking around nude for all that mattered.
I led the way into the castle grounds, the two armored stallion guards giving me strange looks of suspicion, fear, and amusement as I scowled and walked by them. They nodded to Spike and Twilight as they walked by behind me and I saw the respect between the four in the corner of my eye. I knew that Twilight was the protagonist of the tv show back home, but I guessed that meant she was some sort of national hero here or something. And I had just cussed her out. First, going to see a princess half naked, next cussing out a national hero. Just keep those points coming…
But as we approached the castle I let Twilight take the lead, going past two more guards and walking through the marble corridors that twisted and twined through the castle. I walked along behind the unicorn and dragon on her back looking at the various paintings on the walls of various dignitaries and out of the glass-less windows in some of the large hallways out at what looked like a large garden maze in the castle’s grounds. However, with Twilight in the lead, everything went by quickly and eventually we ended up in front of two large, ornate doors made out of gold and silver. There was a large mural etched and molded into the doors, one of what looked like the sun and moon and two unicorns with wings ruling over a land filled with ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. I looked up at the door with appreciation and realized that I could use a door like this for my bathroom; a gate way to my throne room.
My thoughts on bathroom glory were brought to a halt as the doors opened up by themselves and I looked into a large throne room that was as tall as it was long. On either side of the hall were stained glass windows, each depicting what I assumed to be a different act of valor or turning point in time. I saw the same winged unicorns I saw on the door in plenty of them, but I was also surprised to see Twilight in a few and even Spike in one of them.
However, my attention was brought to more pressing matters as we came to the thrones of the two winged unicorns and Twilight and Spike bowed to them. Both were taller than other ponies and had unicorn horns and wings, but that was where the similarities ended. One was pure white and had a mane of flowing pink, blue, purple, and green. Her eyes were a girly pink and I saw a large sun on her flank, similar to Twilight’s star thing on her own. The other princess was dark blue while her azure eyes looked out at me lazily, like she had just been woken up. Her pure blue mane buffeted behind her like the other princess’s but hers had pinpricks of white in it and they winked and glowed like stars on a midsummer’s eve. Her flank was coated in a darked night with a crescent moon.
“So one of you two is Princess Celestia right?” I asked without bowing. I knew they were royalty, but I had just been torn from my home, my world less than an hour prior. And I had just thrown up my tasty ramen-breakfast thanks to her beckon. So I think I was in the right to be a little pissy.
“Yes, Mr…”
“Will.”
“That would be me, Mr. Will.” the white one said as the blue one yawned.
“We art Princess Luna.” the blue one said sleepily. I stared at her a little funnily. Did she just use “art” instead of “are”?
“You may rise my little pony and dragon.” Princess Celestia said to Twilight and Spike. They rose and she continued. “Now how did Mr. Will come to Equestria, Twilight?” the sun-butted princess asked to her subjects.
“I was trying out some spells from the journal of Starswirl the Bearded that you sent me a few days ago. I had tried out most of them and some were either duds or didn’t do exactly as his description said, but this one apparently worked to a T.” Twilight said with a nod towards me.
“So you summoned me? What the hell? Am I a fuckin’ Deadra?” I said incredulously. Princess Celestia and Twilight frowned at my cursing, but Luna’s eyes grew wide and she looked at me with interest. I shrugged it off and started back at the mares with an angry gaze.
“Er…yes, you could say that.” Twilight said. “The journal said I would be able to get a glimpse of creatures from the other plane and bring them here, but I never imagined that I would summon a human.” She finished, amazed at the memory of the spell.
“Ok, cool. Yeah I’m a human. Now send me back home.” I said to her swiftly.
“Um…” she said looking at the ground bashfully.
“You can’t send me back, can you.” I said with an exasperated sigh. “Well… shit.” I said with a clenched fist. I closed my eyes and started to focus on my breathing exercises before I erupted in anger.
“I’m sorry!” Twilight exclaimed. “The journal didn’t say anything about sending you back, but if it’s one of Starswirl’s spells…”
“Then he might mention how to undo it in another writing.” Princess Celestia finished for her. “Very good thinking my student. Come, we will go straight to the Royal Canterlot Library and try to find a way to send Mr. Will back to his world.”
I opened my eyes to look at them dead on. “You’re my only hope.” I said to them in my Princess-Leia-after-a-sex-change voice, a voice that was deep and sounded a lot like a certain family friend from the Bronx. Twilight, Spike, and Celestia looked at me with weird faces, but Luna cracked a smile.
“Um…Yes. Let us be off Twilight.” Princess Celestia said in return as her horn lit up and she disappeared in a flash. Twilight did the same, leaving me alone with the Princess Luna. I gave her a face that said ‘well?’ and she smiled sleepily at me.
“The Star Wars is strong in this one.” Luna said, surprising me so much that I was sure ponies on the other side of the world could have heard my jaw hit the floor.
“How the hell?” I asked in utter confusion.
“What? Did we surprise you?” Luna asked with a tired, yet devilish grin. “If you think that is it, then you will love this…” she said as her horn started to glow.
This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc. Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
I scream like a little girl
“Aw hell naw!” I shouted at Luna as her horn grew brighter. “Cut that shit out!”
“What?” Luna asked her horn dimming.
“If you want to go some place, please, for the love of everything ramen, no teleportation!” I said quickly with a held breath as Luna’s horn dimmed even further. I sighed and wiped my brow. That was a close one.
“Fine, then follow me Mr. Will.” Luna said as she spread her wings and fluttered to the floor off of her pedestaled throne and led me towards the end of the throne room.
“Will is just fine.” I told Luna as she went up to a thick marble wall and touched her horn to it. A blue light emanated from the wall and a section of it swung inwards to reveal a hidden passage way out to the castle’s yard. Luna winked at me and I followed her outside into the afternoon sun as the door shut behind me. I saw Luna’s horn glow and a pair of dark sunglasses appeared over her eyes to protect them from the harsh sun.
“You a vampire or something?” I asked her as I saw this.
“No, just the Princess of the Night. However, that urban legend started with me.” She replied, a smile spreading on her face.
“Really?” I asked, intrigued.
“Yes. Somepony saw me...embracing another pony and thought I was drinking his blood. Very vivid minds.” Luna said, a blush coming to her face. I laughed as she took to the air and fluttered above me.
“What are you doing?” I asked suspicious.
“Just relax.” She said as a blue aura enveloped me and I started to float off the ground.
“Ohshitohshitohshit!” I stammered out as the ground quickly became a distant sight.
“We’ll be there in a minute.” Luna grunted. “Just calm down.” She said as I fell a few feet. I screamed, only to be caught a few feet lower.
“Sorry, lost my grip.” Luna said with a devilish smile.
“Like hell you did!” I shouted at her, trembling. It’s not that I was scared of heights, it was just that I reeeallllly didn’t like being this high up without something to stand under. I was blissfully saved from my fears as Luna opened up a window in a tall tower and flung me inside. I landed on a large bed filled with pillows so I was fine, but I could barely see anything as the room was pitch black. Luna came in behind me and shut the window, encapsulating the room in darkness. That is until she reached a dimmer switch on the wall of her room and raised the lights. My little nerdy heart almost imploded at the sight revealed by the growing lights.
In her room I saw an xbox 360 connected to the wall on the floor. It lay on a cabinet filled to the brim with video games and I laughed as I saw many of them were pony-ized. But my delight grew even more when I saw that in a separate cabinet stood a large computer tower that was connected to the wall too. I stared at that until my eyes grew wide and realization hit me. The whole blackened wall was actually a hi-def flatscreen! My mouth opened, but no words could come out as I gazed onto further holinesses, like Death Note posters on her wall or the Nine Tailed-Pony bedspread she had along with all seven Straw hat Pony pirates plushies on her bed that sat next to her huge Totoro plushie. I got up off of her bed and was overwhelmed.
“This is… amazing!” I said in complete awe.
“Go look in the closet.” She said with a smile.
I wordlessly complied and opened the blue sliding door to her closet and immediately screamed, falling back in total fear. Luna laughed at me and I laid on the floor, holding my chest and breathing deeply until I calmed down and realized it was fake.
Inside the closet, or at least the part I opened, was nothing but eight hoof-written notes, and one of the most terrible things I have seen to date. It was a fully fledged replica costume of Slenderman, or Slenderpony in this case. I looked at Luna with wild eyes.
“You monster.” I kidded.
“You should see the looks on ponies’ faces when I wear this at night. It’s so fun to play an actual game of Slender where you’re not being chased.” Luna said with an evil glint in her eyes. “Now do you want to play some Slender or what? My surround-room stereo and wall-monitor are just waiting to go.” With that, I already knew who my best friend in the pony world was.
“FUCKSHITRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!!” I screamed as Luna held the wireless mouse and keyboard on a lap table.
“THIS BITCH CAN’T RUN FOR SHIT!!!!” She yelled back as she maneuvered the controls and Slenderpony popped up right in front of us on the wall-monitor.
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” We screamed and cringed together as Slenderpony caught us and his creepy-ass face appeared on the screen. Apparently Luna had the original version, because it kicked us back to her desktop. We both sat there on her bed, shivering for a minute, until we took a look at each other and started going into hysterics. We had been playing Slender for the last hour and a half, taking turns every time we got caught. No matter how many times we played, Slenderpony was just as scary each time. I could have sworn all of Canterlot hear me scream like a girl when I was in the shower complex and I saw Slenderpony around the corner in the corridor…so much terror, and yet so much fun at the same time. Luna got up off the bed laughing as I clenched the Nami-pony plushie to my chest in abject terror while she turned on the lights.
“So what should…” Luna asked, but was cut off by a knocking at her door.
“Come in.” she said swiftly as Celestia, Twilight, and Spike entered Luna’s room. The trio looked at me with confused expressions.
“Was that you sister who screamed so loudly?” Celestia asked her sister.
“That was me.” I said in fetal position, still clenching the Nami-pony in a death grip. The trio laughed at the sight. I just shook my head and stared at them wide-eyed. “You weren’t there man, you don’t know how it was…” I said, sounding like a ‘Nam veteran. Again Spike and Twilight laughed at this, but Celestia just rolled her eyes.
“We may have found a way to send you back to your world Mr. Will.” Celestia said seriously.
I forgot my fears of Slender in a record time and jumped up onto my feet, skimming my head on the ceiling of the room. “Really?” I asked, ignoring the pain from my scalp.
“Yes, but if we tried to send you back now, you would die.” She deadpanned.
“Well…shit.” I said sitting back down on the side of the bed.
“Don’t worry.” Twilight said as she walked over to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. “We’ll be able to send you back eventually, but for now you’ll be staying with me.”
“Why can’t I go back home now?” I asked curiously.
“Well, it all has to do with the magic barrier of our dimension.” Celestia answered for me.
“What do you mean?” I asked, the science nerd in me awakening with a raging knowledge boner.
“Well, in your dimension, all the magic that once was has been turned into particles that your species can’t use.” Twilight said.
“That must mean that the magic of your dimension is what we call ‘Dark Matter’.” I said, wishing I had glasses and a smoky cigarette so I could pull a Fraken Stein. “But that also means you can access its energy and thus manipulate it. Fascinating! But how does this prevent me from going back to my dimension?”
“Our manipulation of the magic barrier in this world allows us to essential ‘use’ magic.” Twilight stated. “However, sending things back and forth through the magical barrier that originally have no accumulation of magical particles is very hard to do. I had been working on charging the spell each night for the last two month, using the magical particles from you dimension. I originally was just going to bring you here for a few seconds and send you back, but something happened to all the magical particles when you arrived here. It was like you were all charged up, but then they disappeared after…Ohhh.” Twilight said her eyes growing wide. “Now I know what happened.”
“What?” I asked.
“You know that stuff you had in that pot?” Twilight asked.
“The ramen.” I nodded.
“YOU HAD BUCKING RAMEN?!?!” Luna exclaimed, interrupting our conversation. Celestia had to drag her back and pull her out of the room to keep her from tackling me. “BUT NARUTO EATS BUCKING RAMEN! WHY THE BUCK CAN’T I HAVE ANY?!?” we heard the agitated princess of the night scream before Celestia said something to her. They came back into the room, Celestia dragging a sullen and upset Luna in with her by magic. Luna was pouting, sitting on the floor, and had her front hooves crossed in front of herself, muttering about ramen under her breath. Celestia gave Twilight a smile and a nod and she continued.
“When you ate that ramen, the particles quickly collected on the chopsticks and then went into your pot whenever you touched them to it. And then…” Twilight trailed off.
“They went down the sink and even into the sink when I rinsed it out and set it down.” I finished for her before groaning loudly. “Now how the hell am I supposed to get home?”
“Well, I can charge you with magical particles.” Twilight said.
“What na?” I asked in my best surprised southerner voice.
“If I charge you up directly, using small amounts of magical particles that you body can withstand, I can send you home much quicker, and safer, than it would be to send you right now. So if you can bear with our universe for the time being, then I can get you home safe and sound.” she explained with a smile.
“So let me just go through this.” I said happily, but skeptically at the same time. “You’re going to fill me with ‘magical particles’, or some other sort of radiation that we DON’T have back in my universe each day and then send me home by releasing all of those particles in one swift spell?”
Twilight nodded and I chewed on my lower lip. What she planned on doing sounded ominously like going through chemo therapy and I knew plenty of family, friends of family, and other friend’s family members that had gone through that. It was such a terrible burden on them, but like them I wanted to eventually return home, happy and healthy. It was a simple no brainer.
“Ok. I trust you Twilight.” I said with a nod. Twilight blushed and smiled happily at this and Celestia watched with a smile.
“For now my little pony, I believe it would be best to take Will home and get him situated to live here for a while. Perhaps introduce him to the other Elements of Harmony?” Celestia said regally.
Twilight nodded and we started to leave the room, Twilight’s horn glowing as we walked.
“Nononononono. No more of that.” I said slowly walking backwards into Luna’s room. However, before I could back up further, something grabbed my leg. I looked down to see Luna, a hoof around my leg and her face down, covered in a sheet of darkness. She turned her head towards me, sending shivers down my spine. I suddenly remembered Alma from F.E.A.R. and knew she had nothing on Luna. Then she smiled at me evilly.
“Can’t teleport because of the pain to your stomach?” she asked creepily. I couldn’t reply out of fear and just nodded. That was when she did it. That was when I knew she was a total bro and one of my best friends ever. That was when she punched me in the balls.
I fell to the floor gasping and rolling around in pain, my tender boys screaming at my body, forcing waves of pain through me. I mentally cursed Luna and Twilight for mentioning the ramen.
“There you go Twilight. Now he won’t feel any pain from the teleportation. It’s like cutting off your wing to block the pain from your broken leg!” Luna said sadistically as she smiled at my pain. Twilight looked at Celestia in fear. All Celestia did was shrug and I felt the magical presence envelop me again. The last thing I saw before the flash of light was Luna’s evil, yet friendly smile. I knew I’d be seeing her again real soon.
This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc. Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
Curly headed fucks tend to get along chaotically
“OWWWW” was all I heard in my head as we arrived back at Twilight’s wooden house. I was still on the ground, semi-writhing in pain from Luna’s parting present. Surprisingly, she was right. I didn’t feel like I needed to throw up, but that was because all my pain receptors in my body were still firing off in little tantrums that made me feel terrible.
“Oh come on.” Twilight said as she walked over to me. “It can’t hurt that bad.” I gave her the best glare I could from behind my tear-streaked eyes. I opened my mouth to say something to her, but all that came out was a terrible high-pitched moan as my balls started to hurt again. I hear Twilight start to laugh, but then Spike jumped off of her back and ran into the kitchen. He came back with a bag of ice and a grim frown on his face.
“Twilight, you don’t even know.” He said with the same male glare that I had given her. I almost cried when Spike gave me and small, cold burlap bag that I found to be filled with ice. Next, he helped me sit up. I scooted up against a barren wall and gently put the ice bag on my beat up family jewels and put out a fist to Spike. He nodded to me and returned the fist.
BROFIST!
After our moment of intense male bonding, I managed to get a good look at the inside of Twilight’s house. I was surprised to find that the rest of the house was circular, and even more surprised to see that there were shelves of books everywhere, like we were in some kind of giant library. Off to my right, another open door led into another room full of books and I saw another door to the left. It was closed, but since it was next to the bottom of a winding stairs that led upwards, I assumed it must have led downwards into Twilight’s basement. I sat there and let my weight sink against the cold wall, shivering a little at the ice and my lack of a shirt. I remembered to put that on my “list of important shit” if I was going to be here for a while.
“So Will, um, how did you like meeting the princesses?” Twilight asked, trying to make small-talk while my pain went away.
“Well, I didn’t really get to chill with sun-butt, but Luna was pretty bad-ass. She’s totally a Bro.” I replied, making Twilight’s eye twitch when I referred to her loved mentor as “sun-butt”.
“I…I’m sure you’ll be better acquainted with Princess Celestia soon, but what is a ‘Bro’?” she asked.
I quickly face palmed, forgetting that other than Luna, these ponies didn’t know the joys of bro-dom and sistah-swag. “When I call somebody…”
“You mean ‘somepony’.” Twilight quickly corrected me.
“What the hell does it matter? If I say ‘somebody’ it implies ‘somepony’. Jesus ya freakin’ grammar nazi.” I replied to her in annoyance.
She put up her hooves in a sign of peace. “Sorry, jeeze. So what were you saying about ‘Bros’?”
“A ‘Bro’ is a cool dude, or even a chick, that I would spend time with and hang out. They’re not only cool and fun, but I know that they have my back if I’m ever in trouble.” I explained, moving the ice bag slightly as I braced myself against the wall to stand. I stood slowly and gently, taking a few gingerly steps around. Luckily, I had always been a quick recoverer, so all that was left of the pain before hand was a small, occasional twinge of irritation.
“Are you alright now?” Twilight asked.
“As good as I’m gonna get.” I replied, walking a bit closer to her, realizing that for ponies, these were pretty big creatures. While she wasn’t horse-sized, she still came up to around my hips. However, Twilight was pretty slim, so as tall as she was on me, she didn’t take up as much space width-wise. Spike on the other hand was barely taller than my knee and reminded me of my six year old cousin from back home. Yet it obvious by the way that Spike acted and talked that he had a much higher intelligence than that of a six year old.
“So what now?” I asked Twilight.
“I think I should introduce you to the other Elements of Harmony.” She said with a hoof to her chin.
“So that means we’re leaving?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Yo, look at this. I’m gonna pull a Michael Jordan.” I said as I turned around, took up my free-throw stance, and threw the bag of ice through the library, into the kitchen, and into the kitchen sink. As it landed in the sink, I smiled and started to hum “Fly like an Eagle”.
“Who’s Michael Jordan?” both Spike and Twilight asked, bewildered by what I had just done. I felt my eye twitch in agony, but then I remembered I was in “Equestria”, a place that probably didn’t even know what basketball was. I just let it go with a sigh.
“Come on.” I said with slumped shoulders as I walked towards the front door. “Let’s go.”
The door opened by itself, thanks to Twilight’s magic and I was immediately hit with a warm breeze and the smell of blooming flowers. I saw plush, green grass, beautiful blooming flowers, and butterflies floating on the wind.
“Where the fuck’s all the snow?” I asked bluntly.
“Snow? It’s the middle of the summer!” Spike said as he jumped outside from behind me.
“Not in Buffalo.” I said with a smirk.
“Buffalo? Like Little Strongheart?” Spike asked as I walked onto front walk and felt the beaten earth underneath my bare feet.
“No like one of the best cities in America. It’s home of Niagara Falls, one of the worst, yet most lovable football teams ever, cold-ass winters, the best wings ever, and way too many nice people.” I said with a grin, remembering my hometown and all my lovable friends and family. But for now, I couldn’t see them. But that would change in sometime and I’d be back home before I knew it.
“So you come from ‘Buffalo’ in ‘America’?” Twilight asked with a quill and parchment floating above her head. How the hell did she do that?
“Yeah.” I replied. “Why? Is it important to know?”
“Not necessarily, but it’s good to get this all down on paper. I don’t know when, or if, I’ll get another time to talk to a human.” She said as the quill wrote on the parchment quickly, directed by Twilight’s magic.
“So who am I meeting first?” I asked, curious as to which Element I’d get to meet in this strangely, over-colored world.
“RARITY!” Spike shouted suddenly, his eyes forming heart shapes. I had seen way to many cartoon, anime, and read way too much manga to not know what that meant.
“Fine by me.” I said with a shrug of my shoulders.
“Alright…” Twilight said with apprehension, leading us into town. Spike deftly sped up and jumped onto Twilight’s back and Twilight started pointing out the many sights of Ponyville. I walked behind her, only half listening with my hands in my pajama bottom’s pockets. I got more a kick winking at the semi-scared ponies who watched me pass than Twilight’s random tour guide spiel. I kept following her, until my stomach started to growl and I smelled something unmistakably familiar and delicious. I quickly followed my nose to the source of the delicious smell, accidentally ditching Twilight and Spike in the process. As I came to the source of the smell, a large store that looked like a huge gingerbread house on a corner of two large streets with a sign saying “Sugarcube Corner” on it, I put a hand up to the glass door and pushed it open. I entered the store, which from all the sights of sweets and smells of baking foods told me it was a bakery, and I heard the little ingle of bells from behind me.
“Be right there!” called another feminine, if not a little higher-pitched, voice from a room behind the counter of the store. I quickly scanned around the room looking for the source of the irresistible scent and found it to be a rack of cooling pies, again, behind the counter. I went up to the counter and pulled up a stool at the dining end of it and waited until somebody came out of the kitchen. I eased my elbows onto the counter and put my head in my hands, waiting.
Before I knew it, there was a pink pony mirroring my pose right across the table from me. Fighting the instinct to fall out of the stool backwards, I took a long look at her. Her coat was a bright bubblegum pink while her mane was a darker shade of pink. Her large eyes were bright blue and her wide, toothy grin reminded me of the Cheshire cat. But what struck me most about her was her mane of frizzy, curly hair.
“Are you part Italian?” I asked her, knowing that the frizzy hair was almost identical to mine.
“Neightalian actually.” She replied in a chipper voice. “What can I help you with? OOOH! But more importantly, YOU’RE NEW!” she shouted as she pulled a kazoo out of her mane, blew it in my face and threw confetti and glitter into the air. I let the glitter and confetti come to rest on the counter and I smiled.
“I see you are talented in the Fro-arts.” I said to her in a serious voice.
“You betchya!” she replied with a smile as she put the kazoo back into her mane. “Now what can I help you with?”
“How much is one of those pies over there?” I asked, nodding a head towards the cooling pies.
“To all us ponies, they cost four bits. But since you’re new here, I’ll give you one as a gift.” She said as she turned around and picked one by the tin. When she turned around, I caught a glimpse of her flank and noticed that her tattoo thing was three balloons. However, my caring for tattoos flew out the window as a warm pie came to rest in front of my face. My eyes grew wide at the sight and I wanted to physically dive straight into it. I grabbed a napkin and some utensils that were on the counter and I dug into the pie, devouring it with gusto.
“I’m Pinkie Pie! Welcome to Ponyville!” the pony said with an excited jump as I finished the pie and wiped my hands on the napkin. She extended a hoof over the counter and I wrapped a hand around it and shook.
“I’m Will. Nice to meet you Pinkie.”
“OOO! You called me by my nickname! Does this mean we’re best friends now?” she asked excitedly. I snorted as she repeated a line from one of my favorite movies and I shrugged my shoulders.
“Sure.”
“What do you want to do? We could have a tea time or play some checkers or go water skiing or watch a movie or or or…” she spouted out quickly and hyperactively, but with my intake of pure sugar, I was not to be out done.
“Or go to some clubs or go and prank some ponies or make a pillow fort or have a race or go play golfcart polo or go and play Skyrim in real life!” I said just as hyper. We both paused for a second, catching our breaths as we looked into each other’s eyes and came to an understanding.
“OR WE COULD THROW A PARTY!” we both shouted at the same time.
Across Ponyville, right outside the Carousel Boutique, Twilight felt a strange twinge in her horn. It made her turn around and look for Will. When neither she nor Spike could find him, a shiver ran down Twilight’s spine. She thought she had heard Pinkie’s laughter, so why did that scare her so much?
Discord and I drink tea at the end of my first day
This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc. Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
Discord and I drink tea at the end of my first day
“Well it’s obvious that Dionne Warwick is going to be a touchy subject.”
“Hey, you can’t completely say her songs are nothing but blues. They have some pre-R&B/soul vibe in there too.”
“But that’s where it came from! God, music evolution really isn’t that hard to follow.” said god of chaos as he sipped on a mug of hot chocolate while sitting in a throne across me, both him and the chair upside down. I rolled my eyes at him.
“Well no shit. It’s expected to be easy for someone who’s lived forever.” I replied, sighing briskly when I snuck another glance down at the ground, miles under us.
“Ok, ok. I understand you’re upset by my vast knowledge.” Discord said with a wave of his hand.
“Oh yeah? You forgot one of the most influential artists ever for your Super-Blues album.” I said with a smirk.
“Oh really? Who could this ‘most influential artist’ be? Since I skipped him or her, they can’t be that great…”
“Muddy Waters can’t be that great?” I said as Discord’s eyes grew wide and he started to laugh. “Oh god, how could I forget good old Muddy?!? Oh I’m just terrible! You win, you win!” he said with a wave of his hand. I smiled, sipped my oolong tea, and stared at the strange man that sat across from the floating table and looked out at the pinking sky. The sun was setting off to the west, making the clouds around us glow with vivid pinks, oranges, yellows, and blues. The night sky was creeping up from the east, brining on a wave of dark blue and purple like that of Luna’s coat and mane. I sighted at the sight and thought back to the events that led to this strange tea time at sunset.
“And we’re party-p-p-partyin’. We’re-we’re-we’re partyin’! Yay!” Pinkie sang as she bounced around Sugarcube Corner, coating every visible surface with confetti and glitter she managed to extract from the confines of space and time itself. I helped by blowing up some balloons, but I was still surprised to see how fast and impossibly unpredictable she managed to work. If anything, she reminded me of some of my family members, just furthering the fact that she had to be Italian. But, as with all chaotic acts, there was a certain flow to hers, like a song only she could hear was playing and she just managed to be dancing along to it while we worked. I smiled and felt her good mood overwhelm me, making me work a little faster and laugh along with her as she started to sing one of those pony-songs they always included on the tv show. Then, as if by some impossible magic, pink words appeared in the air next to me at shoulder height and music started playing from somewhere. On top of the words sat a little ball, bouncing to the beat of the song.
“When you’re sad and everypony you know treats you like a foreigner, there’s only one place to go and that’s Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie sang, the ball bouncing along on the words as she said each one. Then the words changed, becoming new lyrics that were colored blue. The music played along in the background, but pinkie didn’t sing along. I looked over to her and saw that she was looking at me with a smile and raised eyebrows.
“You want me to… ah, what the hell!” I shouted as I cleared my throat.
“When you come inside I’ll cheer you up! I’ll give you something sweet, but if that’s not enough, just ask for the specialty Pinkie Pie!”
“P-A-R-T-Y! I am the party pony and all I want to do is see you smile!” Pinkie sang.
“P-A-R-T-Y! She is the party pony and her fun goes on for miles!” I sang back, following the ball as it bounced over each of my lyrics.
“I do agree that raising barns and writing letters are both very fun, but nothing can come close to a Pinkie party under the sun!” she continued onto verse two.
“And even in the night, if everything’s not right, just come to Sugarcube Corner, for your good times haven’t even begun!” I sang quickly.
“P-A-R-T-Y!” Pinkie sang starting a crescendo.
“P-A-R-T-Y!” I mimed, both of us sliding on our knees on the floor with fireworks going off in the background behind us. I panted for a tic and then started laughing when I saw Pinkie doing the same. This whole routine took a lot out of you. I wondered how the ponies could do this almost every episode.
“That was pretty cool.” I said with a smile.
“YEP!” Pinkie agreed, bouncing off of the floor with exuberance.
“How’d you make the song that quickly though?” I asked her as I got up. Pinkie looked away from me and straight at the author of this fanfic.
“I didn’t.” she whispered to me as she grabbed at some unseen fabric, the fabric of time and time, space, dimensions, and what we all know to be the “fourth wall”. I heard a quick shout and what sounded like someone dropping a can of soda.
“Next time, just use one of the songs off of YouTube please.” I hear Pinkie say. “It was a good try, but it needs…oomph. I do like the finish though. That was fun. But good work in throwing a musical number in here. Celestia knows I didn’t get enough in the third season, so thanks! Oh, and you can continue writing now! Bye!” she said as she pulled herself out of the inter-dimensional tear she had just formed. Before I could ask, the tear sealed upon itself with a sucking “shloorp”. Weird.
“So you ready to throw one of the biggest parties in all of Ponyville?!?” Pinkie asked me as she threw more confetti everywhere.
“Sure. I don’t have anything better to do.” I replied honestly.
“Damn right!” Pinkie swore at me before looking up at a clock on the wall. “Be back in a second!” she squealed as I felt the universe around waver, like hot air above the freeway on a summer’s afternoon. Then she was gone. I looked around, surprised that she could use magic too. If I remembered the tv show correctly, the only the unicorns and the princesses could use magic. What the hell had Pinkie done? But my thoughts disappeared as Pinkie walked out of the kitchen with a unicorn who wore dark purple shades. Her mane was pure white and her mane was a neon blue.
“Hey Will, meet Vinyl Scratch!” Pinkie said, like nothing sanity-breaking had just occurred.
“What the hell is that thing?” Vinyl said taking a step back and rubbing her eye with her hooves.
“Oh, he’s just a human. It’s not like we haven’t gotten weirder stuff in Ponyville like him before…” Pinkie said rolling her eyes.
“You don’t say?” I said looking at Pinkie with wide eyes. This made Vinyl start laughing heartily.
“Human or whatever, dude you’re cool by me.” She said, extending a hoof. I slapped it on top, bottom, and bumped it from side to side. “Trippy.” the mare said in return with a smile before turning to Pinkie. “So you want everything where it normally is?”
“Yeppero!” Pinkie said as Vinyl’s horn started to glow. I inadvertently almost pissed myself as it got brighter and I dove to the ground as a loud ‘pop’ went off from the opposite side of the room.
“What the hell man?” Vinyl said, eyeing me with quasi-amusement. I looked up to find we were still in Sugarcube Corner, but there was another new arrival. In the far corner of the bakery stood two large black boxes and one long flat one in between them. My eyes grew wide with excitement as I realized what they were. I quickly got up and sprinted over to them.
“My god…I thought this was only possible in my dreams!!!!” I squealed as I jumped over the low barrier between the two black bookcase speakers and looked onto eternal nerd-glory. On the low barrier, which was really an elongated lectern made to pony height, laid things I only wished I could afford. In the middle stood a closed laptop, but around it laid Atmosphere, Trilogy, and Stylus RMX softsynths, six Novation launch pads, and finally a Nemark Idj3 midi controller.
“Ya like what I got?” Vinyl asked, trotting up to her set up with a smirk as I dared to gently touch one of the scratch pads on the Idj3.
“Don’t leave me alone with it.” I said seriously. “I will steal all of this.” I said with my eyes reflecting the Idj3 greedily. Vinyl and Pinkie laughed.
“Let’s let her get everything ready for the party, Will.” Pinkie said while motioning for me to follow her. “Help me make some Pinkie Pie cupcakes! I’ll teach you how!” she said, bouncing into the kitchen. I rolled my eyes at her and gave a mock salute to Vinyl while I went around the speakers and went towards the kitchen. My movement was stopped when I thought I heard a jack-hammer going off in the kitchen, but that could only be my imagination, right?
My head bobbed to the sound of the club music that had steadily grown louder and stronger as the night became later and later. I was worried that the pony police would come shut the party down, but my suspicions evaporated as I saw two Canterlot guards walk into Sugarcube Corner with wide smiles on their faces. The saluted to Vinyl and hugged Pinkie and went to join the masses of ponies that were now dancing to the music.
Earlier in the day, after an exhausting, terror filled time in which I learned to make “Pinkie Cupcakes” ponies slowly started to come to Sugarcube Corner, as if lulled there by some siren song of the party pony. Twilight burst in as one of the first guests. She wore a ragged look and almost strangled me as she told me she had been looking around for me all day. Luckily, Pinkie managed to calm her down with some of her insanity and let her loose into the growing crowd of ponies. Earlier, the ponies all talked and conversed as Vinyl played some relaxing, gentle music that gave the room a friendly ambiance. That all changed however as the sun set and the pony masses came.
I saw Vinyl appear out of nowhere, a neon sign appearing with her on the front of her djing podium. It was electric blue, just like her mane and it read “DJPON3,” which I assumed was her moniker. Quite clever if you ask me. So, the party truly started then, as the ponies cheered for Vinyl and a devilish grin erupted across her face. She started laying some clubbing tunes down onto the masses like a blanket of pure electricity, making all the ponies sway and dance in a matter of seconds. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t impressed with her magical music.
A little before midnight, Pinkie came up to me and eyed me wearily. “You’re not having as much fun as you could be.” She said sagely.
“What do you mean? This party is rocking!” I said in reply, trying to hide the fact that she was right.
She put a hoof to her face. “No, you’re troubled about something.” She said tapping the hoof to her chin.
I looked into her caring eyes and sighed, knowing she would see through my guise. I had known women like her back home, and while we became best of friends, I always knew they would be able to read me like an open book, a trait I could never accept.
“Do you want to go somewhere?” Pinkie asked gently.
I nodded. “Someplace quiet.” I replied.
Pinkie walked in front of me and led me back into the kitchen, giving me the shivers about all memories it brought up. I still wondered how you could make cupcakes with a sledgehammer… But Pinkie still led me on, out the kitchen and into a small enclosed back-yard area. It wasn’t a back-yard by any means, but it was big enough to house a storage shed and have a little room left over. All in all, it reminded me of a small garden I had once been in. That thought brought more memories of home and I fell into a deeper depression. Would I ever get home?
Pinkie went over to the shed and opened up the door, walking inside and motioning for me to do the same. I raised an eyebrow, but followed cautiously, never knowing what to expect with Pinkie. I shambled into the tight shed and Pinkie closed the door. Then she squeezed around me and opened yet another door on the other side of the shed. But then all my rational thought left me right there and then. Pinkie had done it yet again.
The door opened up to a calm, green, terrestrial ground that I remembered from earlier in the day. I had seen the floral gardens from the inside of Canterlot Castle; in fact it wasn’t that far away from where we came out. I looked back at the door I had just exited and I realized it was actually part of the hedgerows that made up the maze in Canterlot Gardens.
“Let’s take a walk.” Pinkie said as she closed the door and walked ahead of me. I followed behind her in awe of this strange magic she possessed. I really didn’t think all ponies were like this, or were they?
“Why so glum?” Pinkie asked as she slowly rounded another shrubby corner.
I let out a long sigh. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get home.”
“Didn’t Twilight and Princess Celestia say they would get you home soon?”
“Yeah, it’s just that…”
“It’s so far away.” Pinkie said, finishing for me.
“Exactly.”
“I felt like that too, when I first left the Rock Farm. It’s so far away from Ponyville and ‘home is where the heart is.’ But I found out that your heart doesn’t have to be in one place.” Pinkie said with a knowing smile. “Here, let me introduce you to someone who’s very special to me; I think you’ll like him.” She started off in a canter and I followed behind her with a jog. She took twists and turns and corridors with such ease that I knew she must have come here a lot. However, she stopped when we came to a large circular opening, a place where many paths all connected, and stood and stared at a strange looking statue. It looked like a mix between and Chinese dragon and a pony and I wore a surprised/horrified look on its face. I looked at it curiously, but Pinkie was completely enamored with it.
“This is my coltfriend!” she giggled happily. “Or, draconeqqus friend! Hehe!” I stared at Pinkie with concern. Did she really think this statue was her ‘coltfriend’?
“Pinkie, are you alright?”
“Yeppers!”
“Um…your boyfriend is a statue.” I tried to explain.
“OH! Thanks for reminding me!” she said as she jumped into the air. “Watch this!” she said as she turned to the statue and looked into its eyes. “Discord,” she said once. “Discord,” she said twice. “Discord!” she shouted a third time before going quiet. I watched in anticipation, but nothing happened. Until the statue blinked.
The statue blinked, yawned, stretched, shook himself-sending chunks of cement everywhere, and dove off of his pedestal when he saw Pinkie. He caught her in a hug and flew up into the sky with her, reappearing behind me with a snap of his fingers. I turned around to see him laying on a pink cloud while Pinkie laid against his stomach and held one of his claws in her hoof.
“Who’s this dearie?” he asked, looking at me in amusement.
“That’s Will, Dissy. He’s a human.” Pinkie said as she snuggled closer to her ‘coltfriend.’
“Well I can see that silly!” he said looking at Pinkie with a stupid look on his face. Pinkie giggled at his face and gave him a quick peck, making his smile grow even wider.
“So who are you?” I asked, trying not to become the third wheel this soon.
“I, my silly little bag of meat, am Discord, God of all Chaos!” Discord said as he picked at a clump of pink cloud and ate it.
“Like Shegorath.” I replied.
“Yeah. He’s a cousin of mine.” Discord said with a wave of his claw. “Actually, it has been quite a long time since I had a good talk with a human.” He said getting up off of his cloud. Pinkie protested, but he flowed around her like water. Then he stood up on his back legs and smacked the cloud. It reared like a spooked horse and sped off into the evening sky. “See you in a bit, love!” he called to Pinkie who was flying away in delight.
“Let me slip into something a little more comfortable. To you that is.” He said as he snapped his fingers again and a partition appeared between us. I saw clothes fly around from behind it and then I heard a snap once more. The partition disappeared and I stepped back and gasped.
Where the mythological creature stood but a second ago now stood a man. His hair was silver and stuck up and out chaotically. His clothing was similar to his hair. It was a chaotic patchwork of checkered and sold materials. He wore penny loafers and old riding trousers and his shirt looked like a Frenchmen’s. However his coat was what amused me the most. It reminded me of the 6th Doctor’s, colorful, bright, and such a fashion fau-pa it was charming. His red-irised eyes were a little disconcerting, but the aura he gave off was too fun to try to fight.
“So? How do I look?” he asked me, striking a pose.
“Um…Chaotic?” I stammered. Discord’s eyes shone as he looked at me.
“Great!” he said as he snapped his fingers and we were transported a mile into the sky above Canterlot. We started falling, meaning I was screaming, but then I stopped as a floating chair caught me from out of nowhere. It brought me over to a floating table and Discord sat across from me, sipping from a mug.
“It’s hot chocolate.” He said, pointing to his mug as I caught my breath and almost had a panic attack. “Want anything?”
“Oolong tea. Two sugars please.” I said, my eyes wide with the receding panic. Discord snapped his fingers and a mug of Oolong tea appeared on the table. I grabbed it quickly and took a sip, feeling calmer from the small amount of ingested tea. After I calmed down a bit, I was going to ask Discord why he did that, but I saw he was looking out at the setting sun. I was so excited and scared that I didn’t even try to look around at the scenery. I gazed out and my breath got caught in my throat. It was so beautiful.
A sea of pink, orange, and yellow clouds floated around above us. They were puffy and light like giant cotton floating on a painter’s pallet. The sky looked like a mix of warm dyes and the sun itself was bright, but an evening bright. The warm and tired orange color it achieved right before it sunk below the horizon to allow the moon to take her glory in the sky too.
“So how did you end up here Will?” Discord asked me while keeping his eyes on the sky. I told him quickly and then asked why he was encased in stone when I first met him.
“I’m the God of Chaos.” He said looking at me with a drawn look. “You really think a orderly Monarchy is going to like my prancing about?”
“Then won’t you get in trouble if Celestia or Luna sees you out here?” I asked.
“Pinkie, I, and the terrible two came to an agreement. If I don’t spread my chaos then they won’t come after me when Pinkie wants to see me.”
“Well, that seems nice.” I said.
“Despite the fact that I still need to spend a minimum of 20 hours a week as a statue.” He replied.
“Oh please. At least you can fool around with the visitors. Like do the weeping angel thing.” I said with a wave of my hand.
“That what?” Discord asked curiously.
“Well weeping angels are creepy motherfuckers. They are aliens that want to eat your happy moments by sending you back in time and eating all the ‘could have been’. They do this by sneaking up on people, but they’ve perfected it so well, that when you’re looking at them, they actually turn into stone statues. They’re called weeping angels because they always cover their eyes. If they didn’t, they would see each other and freeze-up.”
“So what are you proposing I do? Send ponies back in time?” Discord said with a grin.
“Noooo. You want to move closer to them whenever they aren’t looking at you. Then, when they see you stop moving. Think about all the ponies you could scare the crap out of. It would be hilarious!” Discord’s face spread into a wicked smile.
“You have a good mind for chaos Will. What else do you think I could do?”
“Pull a Goblet of Fire and make the maze come to life. Or put random animals in the maze. And give every single one of them a tophat. They must all be classy.” I said sagely.
Discord rolled his eyes. “At least you can see what matters in life. However, you don’t emulate it…”
“Hey! I’m plenty classy!” I protested.
“Walking around without a shirt on all day is very duchy. Probably, the complete opposite of being classy.” Discord said playfully.
“Shut up, dude. I was brought here this morning. This fucking morning! I didn’t exactly pack an extra change of clothes, a camera, and say ‘Whelp, I’m off to Equestria!’ like some vacationer.”
Discord snapped his fingers and a long flowing robe appeared on my lap, folded up. It was black but the edges of it were rimmed with a flame pattern. It had a chest pocket with my name sewn into it. The inside was very soft and fluffy while the outside was sleek.
“That better?” Discord said, wiping a fake tear form his face.
I held up the robe. “Yes actually. Thanks bro.”
“With this you’ll at least look classy.” He said.
“Oh really? Let’s see how much you know about your classy classy jazz and blues legends…” I challenged him.
As the stars came out across the sky and Discord and I finished off our drinks, we realized that now was a good time to go home.
“Well, Will, it was good talking to a human for a change.” Discord said, extending a hand. I grasped it and was shocked by the buzzer he concealed in his hand.
“Nice to meet you too. But if you’re going to use The Joker’s pranks, at least wear his makeup.” I replied, shaking my numb hand and smiling. Discord replied by letting out a long Joker-like cackle and I laughed at his accuracy.
“Well, it’s time for you to go back to Twilight’s, and for me to find my Pinkie. Goodnight Will.” Discord said as he snapped his fingers and the chairs, table, and himself vanished into thin air, making me plummet towards the ground. I started to scream, but then I remembered it was Discord. He must have had a plan right?
When I was inches from the ground, and seconds from shitting myself, a large blue portal opened up on the ground and I fell through it, landing on a pulled-out pull-out couch from a similar orange portal. I wiped my forehead and thanked all the gods of video games for portals. Then I fainted on the bed in my robe and all. But, it was to be expected. Today had been a long, tiring, chaotic day. I just hoped tomorrow would be a little better.
