But I'm married.
It was late at night, and Halo Man was putting his son Facerape to bed. It had been two weeks since his loving pterodactyl wife Ridley had gotten startled by a meerkat, and eaten Humples and Buttrub in her fear induced rampage. Halo Man was just glad that Facerape had survived the onslaught, after all, Facerape was always his favorite child.
Of course the only reason that Facerape was his favorite, was because he was the cutest and the best at humping his foes. He had known Facerape would be a prodigy in the field of humping from the very first day. He had taken them out to begin their training. Buttrub and Humples were very good as well, but Halo Man realized that Facerape was leagues ahead of them when he knocked them both out and tea bagged them too.
Humping indiscriminately, that was the key to unlocking the true power of humping. Halo Man knew this, and so did his son. His beautiful half Halo half pterodactyl demon son.
"Tell me a story daddy," said Facerape, in his horrible voice that sounded like a screech mixed with Robert Goulet's singing.
"Okay," replied Halo Man," this is the story of how I trolled five Halo Men in one game. I was part of a lobby in a flood game, and the team had voted for my favorite map. Once the game started I ran to the nearest Halo, jumped on top of him and started humping. Now he tried to run away but I'm a Professional Halo, so it was no use. Eventually he started getting angry, and so he hit me. Naturally I pulled out my shotgun and blew his head off. I did this about three more times before he finally quit the game."
"Didn't you run into any flood," asked the adorable little hideous creature.
"Let me finish," replied Halo Man," I looked over and saw that all of the Flood were attacking my teammates who had been stupid enough to bunch together, then I noticed one of them sniping from a cliffside and I got an idea. I walked over to him and pushed him off without hitting him, he was so mad that he ran up and shot me, so I booted him. I spent the rest of the game pushing my teammates into groups of flood and getting them killed, then I killed all of the Flood and humped them."
Halo Man looked down to see that his son had fallen asleep during his story, so Halo Man bent down and kissed his son's visor, then he went to his bedroom and snuggled with his wife Ridley.
---------------------------------------------------
Pinkie Pie was lying on the ground, drawing circles with her hooves. She sighed and lowered her head, content to just sit and think, it had been a whole year since their friend Halo Man had saved them all from certain doom at the hands of the changelings, and Pinkie desperately missed him. She had been sad to see him go, after all, she had been a part of one of his most intimate moments, teaching him how to sleep. She trotted over to Twilight's library, maybe she'd be able to help.
Pinkie raised a hoof and knocked on the door of Twilight's treehouse. The door opened, to reveal a haggard looking Twilight Sparkle.
"What is it Pinkie?"
"Twilight do you remember when Halo Man came to Equestria?"
"How could I forget? My bathtub still smells like horchatas."
"Well I want you to send me to his dimension."
Twilight blinked, not sure if she heard Pinkie correctly.
"What did you say?"
"I said I want to go see Halo Man. Do you know some kind of spell that'll get me to him?"
Twilight thought for a moment, on one hand if Pinkie left they would no longer have the element of laughter, on the other hand Pinkie would be gone. Realizing that this would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of Pinkie, Twilight decided to help.
"Sure Pinkie, I conveniently have a dimensional transporter right here, and don't worry, this isn't the laziest way to get you there at all, and the writer is definitely not an idiot."
"Thanks Twilight," said a very in character Pinkie Pie. She began pressing buttons.
"Wait a minute Pinkie," Twilight walked over to her cub bard and pulled out a Fluttershy. She handed it to Pinkie.
"What's this for," asked Pinkie, closely examining the Fluttershy.
"It's the Fluttershy that Halo Man wore as a hat, it still has traces of his DNA on it, so it should help you find him."
"Don't you need it though?"
"It's okay, I've got way more in the basement."
Pinkie shrugged and waved the dimensional transporter in front of her new Fluttershy and the words "Metroid Dimension" appeared on the transporter's small screen.
"Well there you go," said Twilight," just press that green button."
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Halo Man was plugging a large speaker into the wall, looking back to make sure his wife was still asleep. He pulled out a microphone and turned the speakers all the way up, he took a deep breath and started singing.
"I need a Halo! I need a Halo at the end of the night!
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be tough, he's gotta know how to hump just right!
I need a haloooooo!"
Ridley Sqwaked and fell out of bed, startled by the sudden noise. She got up and turned to Halo Man. She approached him with bloodlust in her eyes. Halo Man decided now would be a good time to explain himself.
"Now honey-" Ridley bit Halo Man's head off.
"Decapitation," said a gruff voice from out of nowhere. Ridley tea bagged her husband, celebrating the unlocking of her latest achievement. She wasn't worried, she knew her husband would respawn eventually, although it might take all night because oof how many betrayals her husband commited. She layed down in her bed and went to sleep.
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I'm not sorry. Well maybe a little sorry.
Please forgive me Ethesto.