The Grim Adventures of Twilight & Derpy
Author's note: Thanks to Not a brony and Miss Dark Angel for proofreading!
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Princess Luna entered her royal chamber in the Canterlot Castle, Twilight and Derpy following her.
“Thank you for coming, girls,” Luna said happily.
“No problem,” Twilight answered, looking around.
Luna wanted to begin a movement against discrimination in Equestria. Well, this actually used to be a widespread problem prior to her banishment to the Moon, but at the time, discrimination had been virtually eliminated. Luna, however, was not aware of the fact, and this was why she had asked her sister’s student to find a pony who could represent love and acceptance, and bring them to the Canterlot Castle. Twilight had tried to explain to Luna that discrimination was scarce in Ponyville, but the Princess had responded that she would surely find a pony with a problem. Twilight had known only one pony whom considered as a potentially discriminated against. It had been Derpy Hooves – a grey pegasus with googly eyes and Twilight had decided to bring her to the Castle.
The pegasus' eyes made everypony think her to be mentally handicapped, while in fact, she was only clumsy. Nevertheless, Derpy seemed to be very happy about the trip to the Castle. She had never been there.
“Very well, Derpy. We want you to become the face of Our new movement. We only need a catchy slogan now,” Luna said, rubbing her chin.
Derpy looked at the Princess with her usual blank expression (if a face with googly eyes can be considered ‘blank’).
Meanwhile, Twilight was looking around the chamber. Lack of books actually disturbed her. She was accustomed to shelves full of books and scrolls, while Luna’s room had only some posters on the walls, probably valuable vases resting on pillars, knickknacks and toys lying on the floor around the room. Twilight actually felt as if she had entered a filly’s room.
But aside from all the toys and such scattered across the floor, a single book peeked from under Luna's bed. While attempting to not pry through Luna's privacy, the title, written in bold across the brown spine of the book, whispered to her, drawing her attention until she couldn't take it anymore. Twilight sneakily used her magic to send the book from under the bed to her.
The purple unicorn raised her eyebrow upon seeing the book’s cover. Necromancy for Beginners?, Twilight read quietly and then looked at Princess Luna, who was patiently explaining to Derpy why it is important to eliminate discrimination from ponies’ life.
Twilight bit her lip. She was sure she did not have such a book in her library. But would Luna allow her to borrow the book? Most probably not. It is not something Celestia would approve. She should put the book back under the bed and pretend nothing happened.
Oh, just a peek.
Twilight quickly opened the book at a randomly chosen page and began to read.
“I see you found Our book,” Luna’s voice startled Twilight, who jumped forward in fear, hitting the bed with her head. She staggered, checking if her precious horn had not been damaged. Fortunately, it was fine.
“Um, I’m sorry I took the book, Princess, I-I, I didn't mean to–” Twilight stammered.
“Oh, it is not a problem, really.” Luna grinned. “We took it from Celestia’s secret library hidden in the deepest castle dungeon. You may read it here if you want. But We’re afraid you cannot take it home. This book is enchanted with some kind of protection spell, which may cause the book to explode when taken outside the Canterlot Caslte,” the Princess explained.
Twilight examined the book. “It looks pretty normal. How do you know it’s enchanted?” she asked, giving Luna a curious look.
“We– We have learned this the hard way. We have been trying to carry one of Celestia’s book out of the Castle. And it exploded,” Luna said, grinning sheepishly.
“Alright.” Twilight smiled and began to read the book.
Luna turned towards the grey pegasus. “Derpy, we think you should have your coiffure changed if you want to be the face of our campaign,” Luna said but was not sure if Derpy listened to her as none of the pegasus’ face muscles even flinched. Derpy was simply staring at the wall. “We will send a royal guard to appoint you to Our hair-dresser. She will surely know how to help you,” Luna proclaimed and began walking towards the door.
“Wow! Princess Luna, look at this! They wrote here how to summon the Grim Reaper!” Twilight exclaimed with excitement, drawing Luna’s attention. “It's really easy! You only need to read the following incantation:
‘Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua’ and have a valuable vase broken shortly afterwards!” Twilight read, excited about what she had just learned.
A sound of a shattering vase echoed around the room. Luna and Twilight looked towards the source of the sound. They saw Derpy, smiling sheepishly, standing next to a fallen pillar and broken fragments of something that used to be a valuable vase. Both the Princess and the unicorn could not find words good enough to describe their feelings at that moment. They did not know what to expect. Or they actually did, but were afraid of that.
“Maybe it is just an old mare’s tale?” Luna pondered.
At this very moment, the room was filled with green smoke.
“Or not,” Twilight commented, no expression on her face.
A thin and tall figure appeared in the smoke. A sinister laugh could be heard in the room. Twilight and Luna had uneasy looks at their faces, while Derpy seemed not to care about the situation – she was trying to hide the broken fragments of the vase under a chest of drawers.
“That was quite a coincidence. You know, the incantation and the vase,” Twilight said, trembling. Luna nodded in agreement.
The smoke began to disappear and the figure could be clearly seen. It slowly turned around, showing its white skull. It held a scythe in one of its hands. Twilight screamed in horror upon seeing this, while Luna simply stared at the unexpected guest. “You will not believe what We have seen during Discord’s rule in Equestria. This barely counts as ‘weird’,” Luna said, rolling her eyes.
The skull frowned, which confused Twilight, who didn’t know that skulls could do this. Moreover, it was a weird kind of a skull. It did not resemble any creature she knew.
Suddenly, the expression on the skull changed into surprise, and the figure facepalmed.
“No! Not this again!” it shouted.
“Excuse me?” Twilight asked, visibly confused. She looked at Luna, whose face was expressionless.
“Nine out of ten times someone summons me, it is someone from this awfully colorful and friendly pony world. And most of the time it’s this annoying mint unicorn,” the figure said and then shouted, “Why do you hate me so much!? Why!? Why!?”
“Are you... the Grim Reaper?” Twilight inquired, coming closer to him.
“Yes. I am the Grim Reaper,” he answered, irritated. Suddenly, flames filled the room as he shouted, “I am the Master of Life and Death!” When he finished the sentence, the flames disappeared without leaving any smuts. His voice echoed around the chamber for a while.
“This was... an interesting trick, I must say” Luna said, raising her eyebrow.
“But... you are not a pony,” Twilight said, walking around the Grim Reaper and looking at his dark robes. She was clearly fascinated by his appearance.
“Of course I am not a pony,” he retorted, tone of his voice resembling something like ‘well, duh’.
“So... what are you?” Twilight sat in front of him, leering at him.
“I am a skeleton,” he answered, raising his robes to expose his leg bones.
Twilight trembled. “It looks really disgusting. Besides, I thought that the Grim Reaper wa s a pony. Why would he be something else? It doesn't make any sense.”
“Cool!” Derpy exclaimed suddenly, drawing everyone’s attention. "Bones!"
“No, the Grim Reaper is not a pony,” he said, frowning. “He is a human skeleton. So, what do you want?”
“What do we want?” Luna and Twilight asked in unison.
Confusion spread across Grim’s face. “Um, if you summon the Grim Reaper, he is obliged to fulfill one, I repeat, one wish of the summoner. You know that, right?" he asked uncertainly. Twilight raised her eyebrow. Grim sighed and said impatiently, "Meh. Now you know. Make your wish and let’s get this over with.”
Twilight and Luna exchanged confused looks. “A wish?” the unicorn inquired.
“Yes, and make it quick before my owne– bosses find out I’m absent,” he said, folding his hands on the chest.
“Let’s play something!” Derpy exclaimed, clapping her hooves. Twilight sighed and facehoofed.
The Grim Reaper laughed sinisterly. “I just love games.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Twilight said, visibly worried. She read legends about ponies playing against the Grim Reaper and losing their souls. She hoped they were just legends, but now, as the Grim Reaper was standing in the chamber, nothing could be certain.
“You made your wish and I accepted it. We play. I will be so kind to allow you to choose a game,” he said, smiling in a way that gave Twilight shivers.
The purple pony looked at Luna. “Do something, Princess!”
Luna hesitated and said uncertainly, “Um, we think we had a chessboard somewhere.”
The Princess of the Night walked up to the chest of drawers and drew the chessboard out of it.
“The chess!” Grim exclaimed happily. “My favorite game!” He waved his blade, conjuring up a table. Luna put the chessboard on it.
“Forgive Us, but it is broken since the ‘book incident’,” she said, looking at Twilight.
The purple pony laughed nervously, blushing. The ‘book incident’ mentioned by Princess Luna had been caused by Twilight. She had made Spike burn a book titled 'Everything You Wanted to Know About Bucking (But Were Afraid to Ask)’ in order to prevent the Cutie Mark Crusaders from reading it. She had not realized that Spike couldn’t simply burn the book. Instead, he had accidentally sent it to Princess Celestia. The book had appeared over the chessboard, when Celestia was playing against her sister, and it had fallen, breaking it. On the bright side, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had not read the book.
Grim tossed the chessboard away and then conjured up a new one. “We will play with my own personal set,” he said.
Luna looked closely at the new chessboard. Its pieces were, to say the least, looking weird. They resembled some kind of monkey demons or something similar.
“To make the game more intersting, if I win, I will take the loser’s soul,” Grim said with a smile.
Twilight gasped. “No, you can’t!”
“Of course I can,” he retorted. “And if I lose, which won’t happen, I will become your best friend fo–“ he hesitated, realizing he had already lost such a bet and was a servant to two children on Earth. “I will become your best friend for a day.”
“This is not too long,” Derpy interjected suddenly. Twilight gave her a confused look. It seemed to her that Derpy was sometimes more random than Pinkie Pie.
"Two days?" he asked, grinning awkwardly.
Derpy grimaced.
“Fine. Let it be a week,” Grim said, quite irritated. “Whatever, I am not going to lose." He could lose in a limbo game against cheating children, but he could not imagine losing against technicolor equines in a game of chess. "So, who wants to play?” he asked impatiently.
Twilight noticed that Derpy was about to speak, so she stuffed a hoof in her mouth, shrieking, “No, Derpy, no! Bad pony!” Twilight was nearly certain that Derpy had no idea about the game and would easily lose.
“We guess we shall be your opponent,” Luna said indifferently and took a seat at the table with the chessboard.
“No, Princess! You can’t! I should play! I memorized all possible openings and end games ever analyzed in any book about the chess!” Twilight said, fear beaming from her face. "Please, please, please, let me play! I won't disappoint you!"
“I’m sorry, my little pony, but your Princess volunteered. You cannot change the player,” he said, smirking.
“Oh, no...” Twilight moaned.
“Let the game commence,” Grim said thunderingly and moved one of his pawns.
“Do not worry, Twilight. Recently, we nearly defeated Celestia,” Luna said happily and moved the left knight.
“Nearly?” Twilight was taken aback by Luna’s confidence. But before she was able to consider their situation, her attention was drawn to Derpy, who was holding Grim’s scythe in her mouth. “No, Derpy!” she screamed in terror, ducking to avoid a ray of magic that shot from the scythe at her.
“Gimme that!” Grim grabbed the blade. “Or you will poke someone’s eye! This is a very dangerous thing,” he said, waving the scythe and cutting off a part of his robe. “Oh, darn it!”
Twilight and Luna laughed loudly. Derpy, however, seemed to be confused by the situation. She did not see anything funny in this.
“We will see who will have the last laugh,” he said grimly, sitting at the table. The game resumed.
The purple pony was walking nervously in circle, observing the chessboard from time to time. She was sweating heavily whenever Luna was making her decisions. She flinched every time the Princess made a bad move and, to be honest, all her moves were horribly bad.
Grim was smiling ominously. “Well, Pony Princess, I need to admit it is a pleasure to play against you. I could have won the game a few turns ago, but I decided to prolong this for a while,” he said leniently.
“You should never underestimate your opponent!” Twilight shouted, but she was not really sure if this applied to the situation.
The Grim Reaper laughed loudly. “Please, don’t even start with these old Aesops!” he said, struggling not to laugh. He wiped a tear that had formed in his eye socket and then burst into mocking laughter again.
“You are just showing off. If you could have won, you would have done that!” Twilight shouted.
“Very well then,” Grim said, moving the bishop. “I guess it is a checkmate. And I win.”
Luna was clearly taken aback by this. She looked expectantly at Twilight, who was hyperventilating at the moment.
“I believe your soul belongs to me now,” Grim proclaimed and laughed sinisterly.
“No!” Twilight shouted, making Grim to freeze in a very awkward position, fear spreading across his skull. After a moment he bounced back.
“This is not up to you,” he spoke firmly, pointing his finger at the lavender unicorn.
“You cheated! I don't know how, but I'm sure of that! Play again!” she insisted.
“I never cheat but– fine. Let’s play again.” Grim waved his weapon and the chess pieces returned to their original positions.
The game began. Twilight was watching nervously. When Princess Luna was about to move her pawn, Twilight screamed, “PRINCESS, NO! DON'T DO THIS!”
Grim aimed his scythe at Twilight. He shot a dark ray of magic, who wrapped around the unicorn's muzzle, silencing her. “This is the noble game of chess. It is played between two, I repeat, two players. You are a viewer and shall not interfere,” he said, smiling maliciously.
Twilight’s fur began turning green, her pupils hid under half-opened eyelids. She began to stagger.
“Uh-oh, p-pardon me!” Grim stammered and cast another ray of magic at Twilight, freeing her nose so that she could breathe again. Twilight, however, fainted. Derpy looked at her curiously and began patting her on the head. “She will be fine,” he said to Luna, who rolled her eyes.
The game resumed. Two moves later, the Grim Reaper checkmated Luna for the second time that day.
“Ha ha ha! As I said. I. Never. Lose,” he said, putting an emphasis on last words.
“We hate this stupid game,” Luna murmured and resignedly leaned her head against the table.
Grim stood up and raised his scythe. “Cherish this moment, Pony Princess, as this is your last!” he said and then laughed maniacally.
Luna looked at him expressionlessly. “We highly doubt that,” she commented. Grim stopped laughing and scratched his skull with his finger.
“Why?” he asked with surprise. “I am the Grim Reaper! I decide who lives and who dies!” he said with no confidence in his voice.
Luna yawned.
“I don’t get it. Do you ponies have no instinct of self-preservation?” he asked, grimacing.
Luna glanced at Twilight, who was conscious again. The unicorn was trembling. Derpy, on the other hoof, seemed to be perfectly happy.
“That’s it!” he shouted, green flames appearing around the room. “You are going to be the first pony I am going to take.”
“So, you do not usually take ponies’ souls?” Twilight asked, her scientist’s instinct prevailing over fear.
Grim was surprised by the question. The flames suddenly disappeared.
“Well, I usually take only humans’ souls. But due to some ironic twist of fate, I’m being summoned here quite often. Too often if I may say so,” Grim explained.
“So... if the Grim Reaper doesn’t take our souls... who does?” Twilight inquired.
Grim hesitated for a while, everypony in the room watching him closely. Finally, he answered, “I have no idea.”
“Whatever,” Luna said impatiently. “Go on, extract our soul. Just make it quick.”
“With pleasure,” he answered, raising his scythe.
He swung the blade twice, aiming for Luna’s head. Twilight shrieked, covering her eyes with her hooves. Derpy looked worriedly at the unicron, ignoring Grim’s evil laughter.
“Are you done yet?” Luna asked, visibly not amused by the situation. Her head and neck were, however, intact.
“Did I just miss?” Grim leaned toward Luna, examining her neck. "I never miss!" He swung his scythe again, this time not taking his eyes off Luna’s neck. The scythe just went through the alicorn without harming Luna as if she were a ghost.
“What kind of sorcery is this!?” Grim shouted in disbelief. “Are you a ghost!?”
Luna slapped Grim in the jaw, turning his head upside down. “No, we are just fine."
"No, you are not a ghost," he said. His look made Twilight and Luna giggle.
"Now, please, leave this world at once,” she said surprisingly softly.
“I thought that being enslaved by two children was the worst thing that could happen to me. And now, this– humiliated by ponies! What– what happens to me?” he said, turning his head back to its normal position, and then began to cry. The ponies gave him curious looks.
"Oh, the bones are sad," Derpy said, sympathy strong in her voice.
Twilight walked up to Grim, patted him on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. Bad days just happen and you should never ever–“
The Grim Reaper slapped Twilight’s hoof and then stood up. “Don’t touch me! And keep your useless morals to yourself!” he said angrily, wiping tears from his eye sockets.
“But– magic of friendship,” Twilight whispered sadly.
Suddenly, Grim rushed towards Luna and waved his scythe a few times, but again, no harm done. “What is wrong with you!?” he shouted, destroying a doll’s house standing in the corner of the room.
“Doll’s house?” Twilight raised an eyebrow and wanted to ask Luna about this, but couldn’t find proper words.
“Well, we are not only a princess. We are a goddess, as well. How did you expect to take a goddess’soul?” she asked and then groaned.
“I–I, I mean–“ he stuttered. “Ah, whatever. I don't care about your puny pony soul. I’m leaving this place now,” he said, opening a portal with his scythe. “And may the worst curses fall upon you, Pony Princess!” he yelled, shooting a black ray of magic at Luna, but it deflected off her.
Princess Luna sighed. “We are immune to curses.”
“This is outrageous. Even gods are vulnerable to them!” he cried, shooting another ray at her, but again, it did not affect the Princess of the Night.
Twilight’s jaw dropped. Derpy smiled and helped her close it.
“I hate ponies,” Grim mumbled and entered the portal, disappearing.
An awkward silence filled the room. After a while Twilight dared to speak: “Um, Princess? I might have some questions.”
An uneasy look appeared on Luna’s face.
“Why couldn’t he–“ Twilight began.
“Kill Us? Well, as long as We remember, you know that Our dearest sister banished Us a thousand years ago?” Luna asked. Twilight nodded in response. “Well, she did not want to do that, actually. She simply threatened Us with casting a horrible curse upon Us for a prank I had played on her. We needed to protect ourselves. We read in a book that demons cannot be affected by any curse or hex, therefore we turned Ourselves into– into a demon,” Luna said and then grinned sheepishly.
“Right. And that’s why Celestia banished you?”
“Well, she had no other way. She could not curse Us anymore. But with advantages come disadvantages. We could not be cursed but We could be banished like any other demon,” Luna explained. “Even though We have no soul now and cannot be killed, in hindsight this was not a very good decision.”
“So why did you decide to take revenge on Equestria?” Twilight’s head was full of question and every answer was bringing other questions.
“Actually, this is the effect of Our ‘metamorphosis’ spell. The longer We spent in this form, the lower control of Ourselves We had,” Luna said, uneasy look appearing on her face.
“But legend–“
“Celestia made it up. It is just a tale,” Luna said, rolling her eyes.
Twilight looked confused. She gazed at Luna for a longer while. Derpy, on the other hoof, stared at Twilight, smiling.
“So, you– you are a demon. A real demon?” Twilight backed away in fear.
“Well, technically, the answer is yes,” Luna said uncertainly.
“How is this even possible? How can one turn themselves into a demon?” Twilight inquired, trembling slightly.
“There is a spell for that,” Luna answered indifferently.
“All right. I'll be going. See you later, Princess,” Twilight said nervously and trotted out of the room.
Luna saddened upon Twilight’s reaction, while Derpy seemed to be unaffected by the story she had just heard.
“Could you turn me into a demon?” Derpy asked suddenly.
“Sure!” Luna answered, smiling.
THE END
CREDIT COOKIE:
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting on the grass somewhere near their clubhouse.
“Alright, girls. Do we have everything? Sweetie Belle, do you have the vase?” Scootaloo asked.
“Yes. It’s Rarity’s favourite,” she answered excitedly.
“Do you have a hammer, Apple Bloom?” Scootaloo asked, turning towards her friend.
“Yep, I have it!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. "I hope that Big Mac won't need it soon."
“And I have the incantation,” Scootaloo said, unrolling a scroll.
“Are ya sure it’s gonna work?” Apple Bloom asked uncertainly.
“Well, Lyra told me it always worked,” Scootaloo answered. "Why would she lie to us?"
“Yeah, our cutie marks will be fabulous!” Sweetie Belle jumped excitedly, nearly breaking the vase as a result.
“Hm– I wonder what cutie marks in necromancy look like,” Scootaloo expressed her doubts. Apple Bloom shrugged.
"I told you–they will look fabulous!" Sweetie Belle said, clearly irritated that her friend had not listened to her.
"Yeah, whatever. We'll see about thT," Scootaloo replied. "Let's do this, girls!"
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS NECROMANCERS!” the trio shouted in unison.
Scootaloo cleared her throat and then began to read the incantation aloud: “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt...”