zombies, nazis, facists, changelings, samelings, famelings, Pinky Inky Blinky and Clyde, and more!
Summed up as the Nazi Space Pirates Crusade against the Communist Republic of Bananas, written by a guy with too much time and too little to do, on the continent of Equestria, with clichés in love stories, gangsters, cowboys, superheroes, etc…, and the final pursuit of the be all end all, Soup.
Where do you begin a story about someone that doesn’t follow any rules of existence? Let’s start in the middle. Pony Strange, now the head of the League of Evil, was throwing a temper tantrum again. Someone had misplaced his favorite rubber chicken, and now he couldn’t go do the heist he promised Mistveil he would do. However, this would not have mattered since it was a Thursday, and the code of good-bad villain conduct states that no heists shall be committed on a Thursday, except in the attempted robbery of the Third National Earthpony Bank of Equestria, and still only when one has gotten the written consent of a three legged donkey. It’s a rule everybody knows. However, we are talking about Strange, and we all know what he does. He was bouncing off the walls, through the walls, and even into poor old Mr. McMillergunny’s toilet again. Mr. McMillergunny never liked the fact that his hard earned retirement home was on the same lake as the League of Evil’s secret underwater base, but he eventually learned to live with it. Lacky Olgruf, like always, was trying to calm him down with the promise of muffins, and this time he even offered to take him out to get ice cream and even go back in time to watch the Earthpony Which trials if he was good. Strange loved the Which trials, since he did have a hand their beginnings… There’s a good place to go to next. His creation of the Which trials.
The year was 1692 and the ponies had recently found America… I mean Equestria. With the hatred between the three groups dying down, life was getting calm. To Strange, calm means boring. So one day, in the year 2024, when Strange was especially bored, he stepped into the bathtub drain and walked onto the scene in 1692. He was quickly bored out of his mind, and decided to alskdfjieokdanscowenvb. However, since he was not on the planet Aeionknbiooaew&fdkajioj, no one understood what he was doing, and started to wonder, what was this STRANGE pony in front of them. They had never seen anything like him. They began to wonder, “well, which type of pony IS he?” So, they decided to hold a trial to determine what type of pony he was. For the side of the Pegasi, Voratus Octavius stepped up.
“It’s obvious” he said with dignity, “That pony has wings, so he must be a Pegasus!”
In hearing a declarative statement about him, one of his three major weaknesses, Strange quickly activated his existence altering defense mechanism, and promptly turned into a Pinecone. Now, if you have never seen a Pinecone do the alskdfjieokdanscowenvb, then you are surely missing out on life, for it is one of the three most atrocious things you can see, but once you have seen it, everything is better in comparison.
Next came Aldmir Hoofman, a Unicorn of mediocre standing, two children, a coffee table that was secretly an agent for the LXQZ, and three teacups named Willibuster, Hingleberry, and Finch, all three of which hated each other yet were too kind to say so. Hoofman declared “He has magical abilities, OBVIOUSLY he must be a unicorn is disguise!” Once again, the msinahcem esnefed gnitfihs ecnetsixe activated and turned him into an average pony named Scamper McMillergunny, who was thoroughly confused why he was both being put on trial, and doing the alskdfjieokdanscowenvb. So the townspeople, thoroughly confused, argued for days and days on the being they called Strange, and after a while when they realized he was no longer there, decided to give up.
It was a Tuesday afternoon when Alfer Von Al Norm Boosmack rose from his haystack and decided to go hunt dragons. Hunting dragons was his job. Not killing them, not fighting them, not even scaring them, just hunting. Search for it, stalk it, line up your shot, then walk away like nothing happened.
Strange was born in the year -12, before Celestia and Luna, but after realizing there was nothing going on, decided to be unborn and went to party with the unborn Pinkie Pie, who has no recollection of the encounter, but a long lasting impact from it.
Two plus two equals fish.
Otto Von Hoovesmark was lord dictator of Maremany, where happiness went to die and the Falgurworst was invented. Falgurworst, if you haven’t tried it, is made out of berries, plants, and the molted skin of a lizard. It’s an acquired taste. Otto had just left a meeting about how the people were unhappy, war may have been on the brink, and Falgurworst sales increased by 9.01235%, on the mark. This was, of course, exactly what Otto had planned sales to go up by, because he told the people what to buy and how much of it to buy. The Amareicans were annoying the countries south of them, and this story isn’t related to anything that actually didn’t happen, is it?
Let’s get back on track here. Speaking of tracks, have you ever heard the one about Strange building the Equestrian railroad in a single day? Neither have I.
One day, Strange was sitting in the saloon, drinking his apple cider, when all of a sudden two mares came in. “We got a problem” Exclaimed one. “What is it?” Asked the barkeep “A gunman is outside of town!” Shouted the other “What kind of gunman?” Asked the barkeep “A big ol’ gunman” said the first. “What’s he got on im’?” asked a curious listener. “A dusty ol’ six shooter and two canteens.” “what does he look like?” “He’s got a big wide ol’ grin and two false teeth!” “Where did he come from?” “He came in from the valley, the Sand Duster lows, at the brink of mornin’!” “So let me get this straight” said the Barkeep, “We got ourselves a big ol’ gunman carrying a dusty ol’ six shooter, with a big wide grin and two false teeth, that came in from the Sand Duster lows, and the brink of mornin’!” “Yes” replied the first in the most blatant tone possible. “So what’s the problem?” asked the barkeep. “His name… HIS NAME IS LAROU!” A widespread gasp was heard, then the room fell silent. “Nobody mention that name here boy, do you knows what you did?” asked the barkeep? A clank was heard. Some pony had just stomped their foot on the ground, and the spokes on the boot bumped into itself. “Heh, stubborn philly just doesn’t know when to quit” said the desperado in the back of the room. He was sipping his apple cider and keeping to himself for once. “He says… he says he’s looking for Strange!” “Then let him come get me” said the desperado as he stood up. His red-black mane showed under his now tipped up hat, and his favorite rubber chicken was holstered in his belt. Strange walked out of the saloon, and all the others followed. Under the gate of the town, with the rising sun behind him, a lone stallion walked into the scene. The stallion walked until it was clear who he was. The stallion walked until it was clear who the man in front of him was. The stallion walked until he stopped, because I don’t think anything will walk forever. The two ponies stared at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally, the gunslinger said “My name is Larou, and I am gunnin for YOU Strange. You think you can just do that to me and get away with it? DO yas? Well, let me tell you, the only way you is leaving this town is in a coffin.” “Maybe so” replied the desperado, “but we’ll see whose top dog, once and for all.”
The two continued to stare each other down. The bell tower clicked a little forward. They stared some more. The bell tower clicked. They stared some more. The bell tower clicked. They stared some more. The bell tower clicked. They stared some more. The bell tower clicked. Pony Strange got bored, and decided to move time up to one minute before the strike of dawn. The bell tower clicked. The world slowed around the two, quite literally, as the gunslinger pulled out his six shooter, the symbol of his conviction, and Strange followed suit with the rubber chicken. The two charged at each other as the aimed. Larou fired a couple shots. One- whizzed past Strange’s left ear and hit an onlooker. Two- was going to hit Strange, decided that Strange was a silly place, and left for Manehatten to get a nice cup of coffee. Three- always dreamed of being an actor, but his father wanted him to be a doctor, so he graduated med school at the age of 25, lived a decent life with a wife and child, and realized that in the end he was never truly happy. Four- was asleep on the job, and never fired.
By this time Strange was right in front of Larou. He readied his chicken, swung it at the gunslinger, and upon impact it turned into a gorilla, which proceeded to tickle Larou into submission.
Strange, his work now done, walked away into the sunset*.
He was blinded by the bright light of the sun, and accidentally fell into the background. The background, having been made of cardboard, fell over and everyone sighed in dismay. The director called cut and everyone left for the day.
*Remember, time was slowed during the duel. Yes, the duel took 6 hours, but to them it took only a couple seconds.
Who is that great and noble Führer Whose lineage goes back to the Maine Six Is it General Willius with his strength and determination? No it can’t be, for he is too dumb and tall. Is it chancellor Octavia with her amazing wit and cunning? Not even close, her gravitas does not compare. There is only one pony, in the entire galaxy For whom we shall fight for everywhere
It is our great Führer Pinkamina The greatest pony of all Who is kind and fair and gentle Yet can wipe away evil And all the undesirables And let us live in her Utopia without a care Oh great Führer Pinkamina Who is the greates of them all Shall rid the world everything wrong: From Zebras to Griffons to Dragons and lo!
And in a great new universe, one which shall see no being perverse, Shall the great Pinkamina and all her chosen children reign!
Twas’ a Thursday’s eve, and per the norm, jolly good fellow Strange was paying his daily Thursday eve visit to Princess Celestia. However, unlike most days of him not existing in the vicinity, today was actually a Thursday, so when Strange manifested into the room, Strange actually manifested into the room. The two were having a bit of a kerfuffle, one so important that it would affect absolutely nobody but the two involved, and probably everybody else too. The sun twas just about to set upon the horizon, but could not do so, because Celestia could not leave her post to set the sun. “That is an absolutely ridiculous idea, why would I ever agree to it?” asked Celestia. “Because I asked nicely and because I asked nicely and because I asked nicely and because I asked nicely” “No” “Please?” “No” “Yes” “No” “Probably” “No” “Fine you wi… JUST SAY YES!” “I WILL NOT JUMP INTO A BANANA PEEL AND GET SHOT OUT OF A CANNON!” “But it would be fun!” “I am putting my hoof down, now don’t make me imprison you like I did to Discord.” “Aww, discords not imprisoned, I saw him last week… or was it last week a century ago… never could tell time. My watch is broken.” And to this Strange raised his hoof to show absolutely nothing but his hoof. Normally Strange’s hoof could act as a sundial, but it had been broken since the beginning of time. “Just go away, I have important tasks to attend to.” “Like what?” “Shut up.” Strange began to close in on himself as he floated upwards. Before he hit the ceiling, he had finished shutting in on himself, and had disappeared from that moment entirely. He came to at the start of existence, since when one pops themselves out of existence, the only logical place to come back is the start. He watched as everything spread out around him in all directions, and then some. They went up, down, left, right, forward, back, and Q-Purple Hippopotamus. To anyone who would ever see it, which is no one, it would be considered the most spectacular sight ever to be witnessed. Just a glimpse of it would give even the most brainwashed Pugilist enlightenment. However, the existence of strange lies in nothingness, and since he is a nobody, was completely bored for the next 20,000 years, until the planet of Quarmarfadon finally started to have life on it. It would be on the planet that Strange would spend the next millennia, being praised as a god, and praising the inhabitants back equally. However, his stay would be cut short (from infinity) when the inhabitants built a statue of him. Since a statue is a static representation of someone, and thus a declaration about them, Strange was horribly offended, and slightly scared, ¾ parts scared, 72.31% frustrated, and mostly confused. He stared at the statue, and the statue stared back, and he blinked, and the statue sneezed, and he went in for the kiss. However, the statue wanted to be “just friends”, so Strange decided that it would be in his best interest to remove the bones from the inhabitants of the planet’s bodies, and feed them to a snake. The snake died of cancer 20 years later, and swore that it was the bones that did it. In reality, it was the heavy smoking. In fiction, it was his hatred for anything with more than 1.5 legs.
So Strange left the planet, and started to wander the universe. Along his travels he stopped by a cottage, where poor old Mr. McMillergunny lived for a time. Even 30,000 years ago, or more even, poor old Mr. McMillergunny was a poor old man. He talked about the good old days, the war, and how everything is too expensive now; he could have bought it for a nickel.
“When I was a kid, apples didn’t cost five bits” he would say, “I could buy one for a nickel. In fact, I was out buying fruit for me ma when I was drafted into the war. Oh, it was horrible. Everybody died in the war, and those that lived died. They died from bullets, and grenades, and trenchfoot, and disease, and tanks, and mines, and charges, and retreats, and fatigue, and disease, and trenchfoot, and politics, and popsicles, and newspapers, and even bullets. You had to watch out for the bullets. You would be sitting there, minding your own business, when all of a sudden this young bullet comes up to you and asks for a quarter. And you says, ‘A quarter, well back in my day killing someone costed a nickel!’ The one that died are quite dead now, I think they died of old age. I came out alive, despite all that, and those of us that did survive all that dying went back to our ma’s and tried to explain why we still didn’t have an apple after 4 years. Now apples didn’t cost a nickel, now they costed five bits.”
Pony Strange fell asleep during the beginning of the story, and yes that was the beginning. When he woke up he was in the middle of World War Hoove, in the trenches next to poor old Mr. McMillergunny. Even now, 30,000 years later or more, he looked old and sad. He talked about how when he was a kid, everything costed a nickel.
Strange was interested in the warfare, since he is quite attracted to shiny objects. All around him, tiny little shiny objects whizzed, and bounced, and disappeared into people. Strange liked the last part the most. But something that mundane did not hold his attention for long. He looked around, and that’s when he saw it. Over in the distance, a giant artillery cannon was firing at enemy tanks. However, the men running it were being hassled by bullets asking for quarters. Strange didn’t care about that in the slightest, and so he ran over to the giant cannon.
He slipped himself into a banana peel, put on his daredevil helmet, and jumped into the cannon. He aimed for the sky, and fired. The banana peel, after being shot out, was able to retain a fire on the back, which let Strange keep accelerating. Eventually, he got up to the speed of light. Light, as you all know, is quite like a dolphin. Once you can get to them, they like going alongside you. It’s not often that they get someone to visit them, and since all light is light, they get quite bored of each other. That’s why they are constantly running away from stars, because who wants to be at a family gathering where your family is just billions of you. So Strange talked to them for a bit, but quickly got bored of them, and decided to take a more scenic route. He flew throughout space, over poor old Mr. McMillergunny’s house, through the cosmic belts (and accidentally lighting the cosmic farts on fire. However, Cosmic Joe and Cosmic Bob thought this was hilarious), and onwards finally to Equestria.
He flew all across space and time in Equestria, finally ending on the same Thursday as he started. The sun was finally going to set. Celestia was bringing it down as usual. Right as she brought it below the horizon, Strange landed nearby in his banana peel.
“Told you it would be fun!”
A Short History Lesson by the Vault of Strangeness
A Short History Lesson from the Vault of Strangeness
Everyone know about Apollo 11 right? Good, if you don’t stop reading this and go find out, then come back and start reading this, so when I ask “Everyone know about Apollo 11 right?” you say yes. Now that that’s cleared up, lets move on to the unimportant stuff. So, as I was saying, Apollo 11, they landed on the moon. Where did they land, Mare Tranquilitatis. Now in Latin this is Sea of Tranquility. But were not going to be speaking Latin. Screw Rome and their idea-stealing ways. Were going to look at this… in EQUESTRIAN! Now what is mare? Mare is a female horse, and in this case one on the moon. Sea where this is going? No, then lets continue. Tranquilitatis is still tranquil, because I can’t come up with anything better. BUT lets go back to that mare part. So we have a mare, on the moon, and I haven’t said the completely bogus link yet. Okay. Next, what color is the area they landed in? Black. Now then, weren’t Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin celebrities for doing this, and even before? Yes, yes they were, and you know what celebrities are called… stars. So these stars landed on the MARE on the MOON.
“Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal!” - Friendship is Magic, part 1