Herein lies Douball Down’s final paper, written for his Historical Research course at Canterlot University. He tackles the greatest question around: what are the Princess' real names? He certainly thinks it’s the greatest, at least.
Many moons ago, in a far off place- oh, it's nearby now, cool- nevermind, it's gone. Many moons ago, chaos ruled Equestria. This somewhat affected the culture of the ponies living there, and one Douball Down, a grad student at Canterlot University, is determined to prove that nopony born in that timeframe would have been named “Celestia” or “Luna”. Read through the final publication of this student, and perhaps you, too, will understand his plight.
This story shamelessly plunders various concepts from Estee’s Triptych Continuum. It may or may not be incomprehensible without having read Triptych. Luckily, it’s also three pages long, and maybe incomprehensible anyway. I don’t believe there are any spoilers, though.
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, two Princesses were born. Not at the same time, though you could be forgiven for mixing up the dates, considering they were over a millennium ago. These two sisters would grow up to be the legendary Celestia and Luna, nigh-immortal wards of Sun and Moon. Of course, once you clear up the anachronisms, the story is a bit less glamorous.
For one thing, as magical as it is and was, the Equestria of the time was better described as “chaotic”. Discord, a creature of no small infamy, was using his exceptional power to turn the nation into his own personal playground. For the ponies living there at the time, the only relief was that their overlord was very careful not to break his toys. Or at least, not all of them.
Additionally, calling these two fillies “Princesses” is somewhat jumping the gun. Not only were they not born to royal parents, and so fell short of the traditional meaning; on top of that, they each lacked two magical aspects that would be the standard for Equestrian Princesses. Which is to say, they were not alicorns as of yet. As it stood, it would be far more accurate to call them entirely regular ponies, at least physically — though most would call this heresy.
Finally, and almost as commonly disputed, is that Celestia and Luna were not called that at birth. Indeed, such grandiose names among the pony populace were quite rare at the time. With some context, the reason for this will become quite clear.
In this day and age, it is simply common sense for a pony’s name to match their skillset. As a trend, this started a short time after the Discordian era, in which our Princesses were born. At that time, giving your newborn a meaningful name was just asking for trouble; Discord was always looking for inspiration for his games, and what better starting point than some good old fashioned irony?
It was well within the despot’s power to alter the minds of his subjects, but sometimes he would take to more practical methods of redirecting their fate, just for the thrill. A sabotage here, a broken leg there, and your daughter Wind Sprint was set for a life of sedentary labor. Or better yet, she took up baking, and learned to make the best cookies in the realm — while you developed a powerful gluten allergy. No, far better to choose a boring name, one that would sooner bring your ruler to roll his eyes than to crack a smile. Plus, the former was easier to clean off the floor than the chunks of teeth.
Finding a “boring” name for your children would seem to be a difficult task, but it turned out to be quite doable as a group effort. Said effort was undertaken by various settlements, multiple times per generation, establishing a standard naming scheme for the foals born in the next year or so. Some of these were more successful than others. For example, some settlements tried purely descriptive names, such as naming a pink foal “Pinkie” or one with a multi-hued mane “Rainbow”. Others established a single name for the year, and required all parents to use some variant of the name; this was boring up until it wasn’t, and Discord was unfortunately quite intrigued by the many potential pronunciations of “Kaeighlaeighye”. One town tried the route of reverse-psychology, giving their foals names with negative connotations in hopes of tricking the chaos god into granting them a better fate; this was abandoned soon after Fullbodywing Andhoofcast was convicted for several aggravated assaults, at least the first time. In desperation, some ponies even turned to random name generation, in hopes of appeasing their chaotic overlord; this was frankly the most successful, but pulling each letter from a hat and finding a usable arrangement was almost as exhausting as pronouncing the result. There were many other standards employed, but what’s most important in this case is that the original names of Equestria’s rulers would have been primarily defined by where and when they were born.
It has now been established that Celestia and Luna would be quite bold names to choose in a time where Discord himself had control over the day/night cycle (or at the time, cyclone). It could very well have been the easiest way to provoke him into mischief. Of course, this was not even on the minds of the sisters’ parents. After all, they were born some years apart; naming your kids after Sun and Moon is more of a “twins” thing. Instead, the foals were likely given fairly standard names. Due to the naming methods at the time, finding the original names is largely an exercise in researching the setting of each birth.
Unfortunately, one of the only constants of the Discordian era is the lack of proper documentation; anything written down was bound to change given any time, and the less malleable formats would of course change faster — unless that would be predictable enough to be convenient. Fortunately, there are a few first-hand witnesses still available, and at least two of them are reliable. Unfortunately, the Princesses are quite ambiguous in their discussion of those days, so it is necessary to seek an interview with a much less professional being: the one after whom the Discordian era was named.
After a harrowing experience, it was possible to begin an interview with the ancient draconequus. A few extra brushes with the concept of mortality yielded some useful, yet unfortunately quite nonspecific bits of information. Turns out, the immortal chaos being didn’t care too much for the small details of mortals’ lives, especially the bits designed specifically to bore him. However, he was able to point out some trends, especially the failures (he brought out a poster of his top ten favorites. It contained too many vowels, and by the time I finished looking at it the top name had changed to “Fluttershy”). With some general guidelines to follow, I braved a cup of tea with my host and found myself being chased by a large yet well-groomed cat along an unfamiliar path. Luckily, the dandy lion’s route led to my house, and so I was able to shut myself inside and begin to further my research.
After a lot of hypotheses, several visits to the library, and the adoption of a lion (he’s actually quite nice), I have come upon a set of conclusions. I shall present my reasoning first, to ensure that my statements are fully understood.
It is well known that Celestia is, at least, somewhat older than Luna. With Discord’s help (I don’t dare apply quotation marks), I was able to roughly learn the exact difference in age, as well as a range of years in which they both may have been born, and a general location (allowing for weekly geographical changes at the time). Additionally, even Discord’s vague knowledge of naming conventions in the region helped tremendously, and sending some letters allowed for confirmation of the names of various great-great-great-etc.-grandparents. With this information, it was possible to create a sort of heat map of the possible name combinations for the two sisters.
Based on my research, it is most likely that the filly who would become Celestia was born in the region that is now Ponyville and Fillydelphia. Cross-referencing with the time and place of her sister’s birth (which is up next), it is most likely that she was born in a year in which that community made use of purely descriptive names. This would track with various ancestors that were present in the area, such as Minty, Rosedust, and Ember. Seeing as she survived long enough to overthrow Discord, it is likely that she had a dull name compared to some similar examples (poor Cotton Candy), and that is one basis for my theory. My only concern is that this name may be too unflattering for revelation, though better than if it was based on her rumored hair color. Not going to stop me, of course, as I am in too deep now.
As for the filly who is now Luna, finding her name was somewhat more involved. According to Discord, she was a very young adult at the time of his banishment, which refined my search somewhat. I am certain that the Princess’ parents stayed in what was now to become the Ponyville/Vanhoover region, in the time between their births. Within that time period, there are many naming conventions that do not appear to connect well to the younger Princess. However, after several days of consideration, I turned my thinking around: why had Luna chosen to name herself as such?
At that point, I noticed a connection. One of the most ill-fated name schemes to come up so consistently, and with some finagling, the perfect match. In one year, dozens of fillies had been born with just about the same name, give or take a few dozen letters. One used variation on the name stuck out as fairly generic, possibly even the basis for the others. And by axing just one syllable, a consonant, and a vowel or two, the name could be converted almost perfectly to that of the Princess of the Night. With this, and a check to ensure that Celestia’s name matched the timeline, I was certain of my thesis.
This paper has taken me several moons to complete. No small part of this was the weeks of research, the various psychological breaks, and the acquisition of proper food for my new pet (and several nose plugs for myself). Finally, after all this time, I am confident that I have found the correct answer. Once this is published, I will present my findings to the Princesses, and finally hear the truth from the mouths of Celestia and Luna themselves.
Of course, if I’m right, then it should be just as valid to refer to them by their original names. Loyal readers, I present you with my conclusion. The true names of our Princesses, the two sisters who rose to bring down Discord at his worst, who have maintained harmony as well as Sun and Moon for over a millennium, are as follows: