Back in the Clouds
The Wingman Flies Again
Written by Israel Yabuki
Co-written and edited by NineTailBeastBall
It’s amazing how much the death of one person can impact the life of another. Some time ago, you and your greatest friend who you loved like a brother were once proud members of the Blue Angels, performing live air shows for the people of your countryside. The two of you were like thick and thin, peanut butter and jelly and all that sort of thing.
Even if you wanted to, there was no way you could forget that horrible day when your friend’s plane gave out on him during the middle of a big performance. It felt as though a part of you had died along with him.
On the day of his funeral, you spoke on his behalf of how much he meant to you and the entire team. You also expressed your deepest heartfelt apologies to his parents for the loss of their amazing son whom they raised so well over the years.
Honestly, you were unsure from that point on how you could comfort his poor mother. You were aware of how she was against her son joining the Blue Angels and with his death, she wouldn’t stop blaming herself for not putting more effort into talking him out of it. Of course, she never said such things when you were around since you never would have become friends with her son if he never joined the team.
In your place, the higher-ups of the Blue Angels told his mother that his “never-quit” attitude had inspired their teammates to push themselves further beyond and that he’d want his mother to never give up on life and give it 110% to honor his memory. In the beginning, she’d just cry more tears, but she eventually came around to living the remainder of her life to the fullest.
And of course, you and your troops gave your fallen comrade a proper send-off and saluted him before finally burying him in his brand new resting place. Not only that, but the Blue Angels had also made a plaque and statue to honor your friend. The only problem... was losing your spirit to keep on flying.
You felt like a hypocrite, because shortly after his funeral, the grief of his passing had succeeded in breaking you and you decided to retire from the Blue Angels. You were living rather quietly, rarely spoke to anyone these days and just helped your own parents around their farm house, growing fresh crops and raising sheep, ducks, chickens, pigs and cows. The farm originally belonged to your grandfather before he passed away from old age.
Of course, when you moved back in, your parents were concerned about your early retirement. They were one of the few people that you bothered saying at least a few words to. Not that it really mattered since life was quiet around here on the farm.
‘Let’s get this over with,’ you thought as you prepared for today’s first task of shearing some of the sheep. You did so carefully, making sure not to cut off any of their flesh. Once you were done, you let the bare sheep go and moved onto the next one.
Farmwork always felt tiring, but it still paid off well to build character, just like back when you were training for the Blue Angels. You had concerns though when you were younger because it all looked so hard and back then that you couldn’t imagine yourself going back to working on the farm once you grew up. Though, the pep talk your father gave seemed to do some good, especially when you told him how you wanted to join the Blue Angels back then.
Speaking of your parents, they were busy with their own chores. Your mother was pulling her weight around by feeding the barnyard animals on top of cooking for the family. Your father, on the other hand, was harvesting fresh carrots, onions, potatoes, wheat, and other kinds of crops. Basically, everyone had a job to do on this small, but busy farm. But you had no problems with working alone most of the time.
That last conversation you had with your old man and how you almost made your breakthrough was still fresh in your mind. Your parents had come into your room that morning with high hopes of bringing back the energetic son they raised.
“Honestly I feel like I’m being a burden to you guys,” you said looking at the morning sun from your window. “Being as empty as I am now, I probably shouldn’t have even come home.”
“Don’t say that, son. Don’t even think it. You’re not a burden. Your mother and I are just worried about you. I know it hasn’t been easy since your old friend died in that accident, but do you really think he’d want you to suffer? You two were thick as thieves.”
“There’s no use asking what he’d want or how he’d feel, Dad. He can’t FEEL anything anymore... and neither can I...”
“Now, you wait just a second there, young man!” your father yelled, and your emotionless face changed a little bit. “We both know that’s not true, especially if a loved one has passed away. He may not be alive anymore, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love those he cherished in life; that’s one thing that’ll never fade away! You’re his best friend and he’d want you to live your life to the fullest! That’s what his former comrades do every day. And you should, too! Prove to your friend that his death didn’t take everything from you!”
Your much more gentle and calmer mother decided to take her turn in lecturing you. “Let me take it from here, honey. We both know yelling at him and treating him like a child doesn’t necessarily help.”
Feeling the caring caress of a mother’s touch on your chin almost snapped you out of your emotionless state. Unfortunately, almost isn’t good enough.
“Sweetheart, I honestly feel like I’m partly to blame for how lonely you were growing up. You didn’t have many friends at school and when I had the chance to get pregnant again to provide you a brother or sister, I chose not to. I should’ve taken into account the consequences of my actions and how it would affect you. If I could take it all back and bless you with your own siblings and friends, I would. But... I was too scared. I’m sorry, honey. I am so, so sorry.”
By that point your father had calmed down a little. “Please take our words to heart, son. Even with how lonesome your childhood was, we truly are proud of the strong man you’ve become as you joined the Blue Angels. Don’t let your doubt and despair cloud your mind. You still have us and we’re sticking by your side to the end. Do this not just for your friend, but yourself as well,” he calmly urged, giving you a pat on the back for reassurance.
You snapped out of your thoughts and wiped some sweat off your forehead before going back to the task at hand. You spared a moment to glance up at the sky, which was a force of habit whenever you were thinking about your former teammates. Always wondering how they were doing and if they were doing any air shows at the moment. It was tough to leave the team behind, but the drive to keep on flying just... wasn’t there anymore.
You sighed and were just about to go to the last sheep when you heard the chickens crying louder than what you were used to. You put down the sheers and grabbed a shovel as you followed the source of what was bothering the chickens. Whatever it was, it was bound to make things around this quiet farm interesting.
The word ‘interesting’ could insinuate something good or bad, and in this case it was the latter. Looking into the pen, you saw that the poor chickens were trying as hard as they could to get away from a couple of coyotes who must have snuck in while you were distracted by the sky and your Blue Angel memories. Regaining some of the spirit you threw away years ago, you hopped into the pen and whacked one of the hungry canines across the face with your shovel.
“Hey! Hey! Get outta there, you fucking mutts!” you yelled. Needless to say, the two coyotes were no longer focused on the chickens. Now, the two hungry canines had their eyes set on you and planned on double-teaming you. Both coyotes jumped at you, but you whacked one of them out of the way, only to get tackled by the other. It latched its jaws onto your shoulder, but you only let out a small grunt of pain.
Its claws tore through part of your clothes and seeped into your skin. You grabbed the coyote by the head and tried to pry it off, but it held on strong, trying to rip your flesh open. Blood squirted out from a small gash in your wound.
No sooner after that, the other coyote you hit focused on one of your legs to disable you, then on your abdomen section. You struggled hard and eventually, not only were you finally able to throw one of the coyotes off of you, a gunshot got all your attention. You weakly glanced over to see your father rushing over with a rifle in his hands.
“Keep your paws off my BOY!” he yelled.
“Don’t bother, Pops...” you weakly said after the coyotes ran off. You looked at the blood gushing out of your torn torso and stomach.
“Oh no! No, no, no, son, look at me!" your dad said, trying not to panic. He dropped to his knees and rushed to your side. “Listen to me! You’re gonna be alright! We’ll call for an ambulance… you’ll be good as new, you hear me? Just, whatever you do, don’t close your eyes!”
As he was trying to keep you awake, you could see your equally distressed mother calling for the paramedics. For a moment, your whole body stung from the sheer pain inflicted on you. But as more blood continued seeping out of you, you were losing all feeling in your body.
“Tell Mom to... to get off the phone...” you wheezed before coughing out some more blood. “Just look at me... All three of us... know... that it won’t make a... difference...”
“Don’t say that, son! You’ve got to pull through! If we lose you, our family would never be the same, so please... Don’t die on us!” he begged. Despite how loud he was, your father was a smart man and knew this was inevitable.
“I should have acknowledged... I should have acknowledged your advice when I still... had the chance Dad.” Tears welled up in your eyes, not from the pain, but from how much regret you had. “I just hope you know... that no matter how hard I tried to... to shut you and Mom out... I never stopped loving you...”
"We’ve always... loved you too, son...” your dad tried holding back the tears. “From the second you were born... we’ve alway loved you.”
You weakly reached out with a bloody hand and touched his crying face. You held it there as long as you could before whatever strength you were using abandoned you and your arm dropped to the dirt.
Things were changing fast. A few minutes ago you were lying in the dirt in agony, but now you were seemingly floating in this empty white void with the most calm and peaceful sensation you’ve ever felt. You didn’t have a single concern in mind as you laid perfectly still, and you didn’t even ask yourself if this was the afterlife.
The pain that was once coursing through your whole body had now subsided. Perhaps it’s better this way. You truly did believe that you would be floating in this empty space for the rest of eternity, but it didn’t seem so peaceful anymore when that silence was broken.
“I don’t want to think he’s in a coma, but he’s not moving a muscle. His breathing’s steady, though. Faint, but steady,” a male voice said, one that sounded... somewhat familiar. Scratch that. The voice was VERY familiar, and the moment you heard it again, you knew you just had to wake up to see if it was who you thought it was.
As if you just heard an alarm clock, your eyes shot open. Awaking from your slumber, you noticed you weren't in your room or inside your parents' house for that matter. But as soon as your eyes locked onto the familiar face to your right, the face that’s been missing from your life far too long, you gasped.
“It... can’t be... I...Is that you?” you asked.
Right away, somehow your voice rang lots of bells in your old friend's head. And right then and there… he called out your name for reassurance. Soon, all your doubts were cleared up. Right in front of you was your old friend from the Blue Angels, the one who died in that accident. While for some reason he now had these scales and wings, that was by no means important to you right now.
“Oh my god...! Bud! It is you!” you exclaimed, jumping out of bed and gave him a hug that almost threatened to break his spine. Bracing the pain, he chuckled and hugged you back. “I-I... I don’t know what to say... H-How is this possible? I watched you die!”
He had to push you back into the bed before you ended up getting too excited. Indeed, the wings and reptilian traits were new, but you knew it was your best friend who you were once convinced you’d never see again.
“Relax,” he said, feeling how fast your heart was beating as he held you to the bed. “We all go through this kind of rush.”
He tried to explain things as clearly and slowly as possible. Aside from his appearance, he filled you in with how he had also changed his name and now went by ‘Blaze’. Even with how careful he was being, it was still a lot to take in. How you had become one of the very lucky few to land in an entirely different world for a second shot at life. And by lucky, he meant less than 1 percent of those who die every day.
“Of course, humans aren’t the dominant species around here,” he added walking to the doorway. “Hey babe, that’s your cue!”
Right away, you got your next surprise when you saw who it was Blaze was talking to. “So, you’re Blaze’s best bud, huh? It’s about time I got to meet you face-to-face.”
“Allow me to introduce the greatest lady in my life! My fiancée, Spitfire!” It came as a shock to you that your best friend was not only engaged, but that his bride-to-be was a pony in a woman’s form.
“I’ve lost count of how many times my favorite hothead over here has brought you up,” Spitfire smirked, easily picking up both your confusion and Blaze’s embarrassment. She addressed the latter first. “Oh, come on! I’m about to be your wife! Am I not allowed to tease you when it counts?”
“Exactly what kind of stories did he tell you about me?” you asked.
Spitfire sat on the bed and rolled her eyes. “Oh, where do I begin? Well there’s-”
Alas, she was cut off when the sound of crying echoed from the halls. That’s right. Crying! You put two and two together, and although you had a good idea just how far Blaze’s relationship with Spitfire had gone, you had to see it for yourself.
“And here I actually believed you when you said they’d stay asleep,” Spitfire appeared to scold Blaze as she led you both out of the room and down the hall.
“Have you ever tried putting three babies to sleep with warm milk? They’re all bottomless pits, I tell you,” Blaze replied.
‘Three?’ Big knowledge just kept on crashing down on your unprepared brain.
“Yeah, and putting them to bed like that... You know it means we have to buy more diapers,” Spitfire countered, crossing her arms.
“Just wait here. I’ll take care of this,” Blaze sighed before leaving the room.
In spite of his orders, curiosity got the better of you and your legs practically moved on your own as you followed your best friend. There in a small crib near the window, Blaze was cooing over the three different crying voices and you saw for yourself the gift nature had left him.
“So, you couldn’t stay put?” Blaze scoffed. “Outside of performances, you’ve always had a stubborn streak, but oh well.” He gestured to the three babies, and introduced them from left to right. “Back in our world, I would have never pictured myself as a father. And yet, here they are. My flaming bundles of joy. This is my son, Torch. And my daughters, Ember and Flaming Stars.”
All three of them shared the color of Spitfire’s fur, but that’s the only thing all three of them had in common in terms of appearance. Torch and Flaming Star both had their father’s hair as well as dragon wings, but Ember inherited her mother’s pegasi wings and was the only one of her siblings to share Blaze’s scales which also reached the base of her wings. She also had Spitfire’s wild orange mane.
“Oh, my goodness...” you managed to say and held your arms out once they had stopped crying. “M-may I...?”
“I’d feel insulted if you didn’t.” Blaze then picked up his son and handed him over to you. Once he was in your arms, it was like you were touching an electric blanket. Blaze, on the other hand, focused on holding and rocking his still whimpering daughters.
“You really outdid yourself with these little tykes, man. Guess now’s as good a time as any to congratulate you,” you said while tickling his son’s tummy. But that was your mistake, for as Torch started laughing, you got him excited to the point that he actually puked on your only shirt.
“Aww man. Sorry about that,” Blaze said, barely succeeding in holding back his laughter after apologizing on his son’s behalf.
“It’s alright, man. The only one I blame is myself for not anticipating this,” you replied. ‘Still, this is my only shirt and it’s my good one, too,’ you complained in your thoughts.
“That’s one of the challenges of being a father. You gotta be ready for anything when it comes to having babies, including stink bombs, the crying and even puke puddles,” Blaze said. “Tell you what, I’ll loan you one of my shirts until we can get you a new wardrobe. Sound fair?”
“You sure? I’d hate to be a burden.”.
“Hey, don't say that! If there’s one thing you’re not, it’s a burden,” Blaze insisted, patting you on the back a few times.
“Okay, I guess I’ll take you up on that offer. And don’t worry, I won’t get anything fancy,” you assured him.
“Heh! Even if you did, I wouldn’t worry. Being a member of the Wonderbolts pays pretty well. Especially when you get to feel the wind beneath your wings.”
Setting the triplets back in their crib, Blaze gestured for you to follow him so he could lend you a clean shirt. As you swapped out the shirts, your best friend’s last remark about wings got you wondering about his own. He still hasn’t explained why he now looked so much like a dragon and you could only imagine what was next for you in this bizarre universe.
“Anyway, I can’t let you stay cooped up with nothing to do but wait the next few days for the wedding,” Blaze broke you out of your thoughts, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “You might as well get some fresh air and take a look at Cloudsdale!”
“Sounds good to me, I’ve actually been... wait... Cloudsdale? As in... actual clouds?” you asked, wondering if you heard right. How ignorant could you possibly get? You only just noticed as you looked down that you were indeed standing on a cloud.
“Duh! You just now figured that out?” Spitfire chimed in from the doorway. Your face turned red with embarrassment.
“B-b-but... How is that even possible? How am I not falling through the floor?” you asked, slightly paranoid.
“Sheesh. Take it easy there. The house is enchanted with Equestrian magic, as are all the other buildings in Cloudsdale. This way, anyone who’s not a pegasus can still walk on clouds like they can on solid ground,” Spitfire explained with a roll of her eyes.
“But we can’t say the same for the outside clouds,” Blaze added and then presented you with something.
“What the...” you said, somewhat uneased.
“Which is why, due to the amount of humans roaming around Equestria and beyond, our new princess has taken the liberty of developing a new product to help you humans walk on clouds, whether for a visit or if they choose to live here,” Spitfire further explained just in time for her fiancé to present you with a mysterious gold ring.
“Uh... a ring? What’s this for?”
“It’s a special ring designed to give anyone wearing it the ability to walk on clouds. Just put it on your index finger and you’ll be fine,” Blaze promised.
“Okay then...” you said, taking the ring and inspecting it. “Still... I’m still a bit skeptical on the subject of magic. I thought it was only just a myth, or an illusion that modern magicians back at home would use to entertain guests.”
“Maybe that’s the case back in the human world, but trust me on this, magic in Equestria is very much real as the air we breathe," Spitfire assured.
“Well, all right... Here goes,” you said. With the ring in hand, you put it on your left index finger and suddenly, a golden aura wrapped around you for just a brief moment before it disappeared like a flash of light. “What was that about?”
“That means the ring’s working. Come on, let’s step outside so you can see for yourself,” Blaze said as he and Spitfire headed for the front door. You followed the two down the hall and watched as they opened the door and stepped outside.
You walked over, then stopped at the door frame, looking outside the house and saw that the entire city was indeed made of clouds.
“Wow... I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be standing in a city made of clouds. And this is coming from an ex-Blue Angels pilot,” you said, dumbstruck.
“Trust me, I once thought the same thing,” Blaze chuckled and tossed you a small bag that sounded as though it was filled with coins.
“What’s this for?” you asked before peeking inside to find a bunch of gold coins.
“It’s this world’s currency. They call them bits. Use that money for shopping when you get the chance and if you want, treat yourself to a bite or a cold drink,” Blaze said and playfully made the shoo gesture with his hand.
“Well... okay, thanks,” you replied. Even though you still had doubts about walking on clouds, you sucked in a deep breath and took that one big step into the new world. And... to your surprise, you didn’t fall through the cloudy landscape.
“See? What’d we tell ya?” Spitfire smirked.
“Hey... I’m... I’m doing it!” you said, astonished. You took another step onto the fluffy ground and you were still standing there like normal soil. “I’m... I’m actually walking on air. This is... wow, this is way better than how it felt flying in one of the jets back home!” you added, getting excited, walking around. “Oh man, if only the guys back home could see this!”
“Good to see you’re enjoying yourself. Now go on and explore the city a little,” Blaze ushered.
“All right, and thanks for the loan. I’ll find a way to pay you back, I swear,” you promised before running off, forgetting your manners like an excited child. It couldn’t be helped.
“I know you will,” Blaze uttered even though you were long out of ears reach.
A couple of minutes went by and you were walking around town, taking in the sights of each and every cloud architecture you passed by in this beautiful place. What was even more breathtaking was the residence here. Just about everyone who lived here was a pegasus, all of whom were walking on two legs like Spitfire.
Some of them greeted you with friendly waves or a nice hello. Either way, you did the same. Needless to say, this new world and its residents were a lot friendlier than most of the people back home.
While walking around this new place, you glanced in one direction and noticed a food stand. You felt a bit thirsty and decided to grab a drink. However, as you approached the food stand, you noticed that there was a bit of... trouble at the front of the line.
“Oh, darn it... I could’ve sworn I had some more bits on hand,” a pegasus mare said, rummaging through her pouch.
“I’m sorry, miss. But you're 2 bits short,” the stallion behind the stand said.
‘Damn... I can’t turn a blind eye to this,’ you thought to yourself. You walked up to the mare and stood next to her, clearing your throat. “My apologies for butting in, but how’s about I help out with the cost?”
“Are you... Are you sure, sir?” the stallion asked.
“Yeah. How much does her drink cost?” you said, countering his question with a question.
“4 bits for a jumbo cup of strawberry, banana milkshake. Unfortunately, she’s 2 bits short,” he pointed out.
“That’s no problem. Here,” you said, putting in the remaining 2 bits. “And while you’re at it, can I get a large bottle of water?"
“That'll be an extra 3 bits,” the stallion said. You gladly gave him the money before the minty green mare with purple eyes took her own drink.
“Hey, thanks for helping me pay, sport. Do I need to pay you back or something?” she asked.
“Oh, no, don’t worry. It’s on me, this time,” you assured her.
“If you insist. Anyways, I haven’t seen you around here before, and I know everypony here in Cloudsdale. Fleetfoot, proud member of the Wonderbolts at your service!” she proclaimed.
“Pleasure to meet you,” you replied before telling her your name and shaking her hand.
Her nose twitched and without warning, she leaned in and got closer to you than you were comfortable with. “Sorry to pry, kid, but... are you familiar with Spitfire and Blaze?"
“Uh... yeah? Why do you ask?” you asked, backing up a little. “It’s a little awkward having you so close to me all of a sudden,"
“Sorry about that. It’s just that we ponies have a keen sense of smell and with my history with my boss, I easily caught her scent on you,” she apologized, but then turned mischievous in a rapid mood swing. “Did I freak you out?”
“No, you just... surprised me, that’s all. So, I take it that you, Blaze and Spitfire are all on the same team?” you asked.
“That’s right! I used to give a lot of the other pegasi a run for their money when it came to speed, but then along came Rainbow Dash and Blaze and I gotta say, those two are the living embodiment of speed." Fleetfoot praised.
“Who’s Rainbow Dash?” you asked.
“You really ARE new around here, kid. She’s my fellow Wonderbolt, but she earned her place on the team way before Blaze did. He’s only been with us for a little over a year,” Fleetfoot explained.
“Oh, I see. Well, I recently arrived here from my home world. So this would be my very first day in Cloudsdale,” you replied.
Fleetfoot’s ears perked up. “If you’ve just gotten through with Blaze, then we both know that only a select few humans who died with an empty feeling in their world land a spot here in Equestria,” she said. “So what’s your story, kid?”
“Uh, well... Back home, I was attacked... and torn to shreds by a pack of coyotes. You know, wild, skinny dogs that go after farm animals, like chickens. And I had the misfortune of winding up as their afternoon snack and bleeding to death before my parents. I’ll...” you paused, feeling a bit choked up. “...I’ll never forget how heartbroken my parents were when they saw their own son’s life slip away in front of them...”
“Sweet makers... I’m... so sorry, kid. I didn’t know someone could die such a grizzly death. I feel just awful for asking about it now...” Fleetfoot said, remorsefully.
“It’s all right. I know you didn’t mean to open up these old wounds. But they say being open about it helps with letting go of the past and making peace with it. I’ve learned to accept my fate, even though I’m going to miss my parents very much. After all, they were the most loving and supportive folks a guy could ask for,” you replied, reminiscing about all the good and bad times you had with your parents.
“I wish I could’ve met them. From what you just told me, they seemed like really good people,” Fleetfoot said
“You’d better believe it. Anyways, thanks for offering your sympathies and listening to my story. It felt good to get it off my chest.”
“And I should thank you for helping pay for my drink. Exercising and flying around, training on the field even makes Wonderbolt thirsty,” she replied before taking a sip of her drink.
“Anytime. Just be sure to count your bits before your next purchase. One must keep track of their savings after all,” you advised.
“I will and thanks again.” You tried to walk away before Fleetfoot stopped you. “Oh, one more thing before you go! Since you’re new around here, I take it you’ll be needing some place to crash for the night and possibly find somewhere to work, right?”
“Uh... I guess that’s pretty obvious,” you shrugged. “Blaze and I go way back, but even he wouldn’t tolerate me taking advantage of his generosity by freeloading in his house.”
“Not to worry, kid. I’m sure I can persuade Spitfire about landing you a job in the Wonderbolts,” Fleetfoot replied. “Since he’s obviously not a pony, Blaze made some good history when he landed his place on the squad.”
It was a lot to think about. Back home, you had put your flying days behind you. And now this lady who you’ve only just met was basically offering you a job.
“Hmm... now that I think about it, what kind of positions do they have at the Wonderbolts? Aside from the whole stunt-flying thing?” you asked.
“Let’s see, there’s one of the common positions, a maintenance pony, or man in your case. They keep the entire facility clean and tidy, even fixing up stuff if they get broken. It’s not very popular, but it does pay well. One of the benefits is a free lunch in the mess hall. Of course, there’s also a drill instructor, but you have to meet certain requirements for the job. Military experience, for starters. Aside from that, you also have to work your way up from the rank of Private,” Fleetfoot explained.
You swore your head was going to burst. There’s no way you could decide here and now; it was hard enough accepting that you were now living in a completely different universe.
“Gee... quite the selection. I’m not sure if I can choose which one I want,” you said, rubbing your aching head.
“Who said anything about choosing right now? Take some time and think it over. Once your mind is made up, let me know and I’ll talk to Spitfire when the time’s right,” Fleetfoot insisted. “In the meantime...” She reached into her purse and pulled out a pen and paper, writing something down before handing it to you. “This is my address. Feel free to knock on my door later on tonight.”
You had to hold onto the paper tightly so it wouldn’t blow away as Fleetfoot unfurled her wings and took off with a speed you never would’ve expected.
‘That’s the power of a Wonderbolt?’ you marveled, wondering if Blaze could fly that fast too. With how fast Fleetfoot took off, you imagined that her speed was on par with a Blue Angel jet, if not faster.
“If she can fly that fast, what can Blaze and Spitfire, the co-captains of the team, do?” you asked yourself. Better yet, you wondered what you could do if you got involved with the Wonderbolts. Alas, thinking about it now only urged on your headache and you pocketed Fleetfoot’s address, certain that you would be able to take the next step in figuring out your new life once your head eased up.