Chapter 1
I’m sorry.
I held a parchment ready to pour my thoughts onto the paper, but alas I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I was so tired.
“You can’t even give your friends any explanation, they will blame themselves because of you. You useless piece of trash.” I told myself. A shiver ran up my spine, it was the middle of summer but I just felt so cold.
I sighed, rolled up the letter and focused on the spell. It was unusual for me to send my own letters, I tend to delegate that to Spike most of the time. It felt really strange.
My horn glowed and the letter burst into a pink flame disappearing completely a moment later. I slumped down against the tree bark again.
“This is it, huh?” I asked no one in particular.
All that answered me were the chirping sounds of birds that resided in nearby trees. Another shudder went up my spine and my stomach twisted on itself. What is wrong with me?
My forelegs gripped a hood I prepared dragging it over to me. It was a simple airtight transparent bag with slight modifications to fit its new purpose. It mere sight filled me with fear. I was scared, not of dying, but of the unknown. What if it hurts? What if I live and get brain damage? Will I even go to heaven if I succeed?
You’re such useless garbage, what do you think awaits you for that?
“N-No… I will be lucky to even be allowed to suffer for all the t-things I did. ” I croaked, half choking on a sob.
Then memories started coming back from all my life. I was reliving every awful thing I ever did. All the times I chewed ponies out, messed up when somepony was counting on me and disappointed my friends. The abuse I suffered in my foalhood, the beatings and gaslighting. The few memories coming back that I could even still remember from that time. My dad’s hoof as punishment and lonely nights crying myself to sleep. Everything hurt from anger, pain and resentment. I am broken, unfixable.
The more memories I remembered, the less I wanted to live. “I shouldn’t be allowed to even breathe.” I told myself and pulled the hood over my head.
A few seconds passed and I was starting to panic. It was claustrophobic and with each breath, I lost more and more oxygen instead replaced with carbon dioxide. My breaths got deeper and faster, my lungs desperately trying to acquire the oxygen I needed. I wished for nothing more just to pull this bag off me, to stop the pain. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. Instead, I reached to my right to finish what I started.
On my right side, I had brought and prepared two helium tanks, commonly used for party balloons. Bought freshly out of the store, essential for the certified Pinkie Party... and now my death assist tool. If I was not so terrified I would probably laugh at the irony of that. An object that is supposed to give joy is used to inflict misery. But now I was rambling with my thoughts probably to calm myself down and avoid the inevitable. I reached my hoof further to the release valve and twisted it on both tanks.
The first thing I noticed was the smell. It was supposed to be scentless but for whatever reason the gas was not. Maybe it was the tank or the place they stored it, but I could smell something in it. It was in no way pleasant, some sort of a very light chemical smell. It filled me with unease and I wished for it to be gone, but I pushed through. No coming back.
The second sensation was the coldness from the gas that flowed, it washed over my head in an uncomfortable cold breeze. Trying to calm myself down, I slumped back securely against the bark of the tree. Even though the breathing was no longer uncomfortable my breaths did not slow down, I was hyperventilating hard.
I tried closing my eyes in an attempt to stop shaking with fear. I imagined my friends, family and princess, all reacting to the news of my death. They were there crying, depressed, disheveled and alone. I felt good about it, not because they were hurting, I hated that part, but because they could feel something, be it pain or happiness and that felt like a reward in itself. I didn’t distinguish feelings much these days, if you asked me mental pain felt even better than happiness. The deep blanket of misery that you could climb under when numbness let go for a short while. It was good, maybe I could get some of that in the afterlife? You don’t deserve to feel good. “I don’t deserve it.” I whispered to myself starting to feel light-headed.
I didn’t want to think anymore. I was tired, and soon I was gone.
When my eyes opened I knew instinctively that something was wrong even if my thoughts had not yet cached up. I was barely breathing, almost on my side with a rock jammed right between my ribs painfully digging in and probably leaving a nice bruise there right now.
The gas flow was almost non-existent barely feeling it against my forehead. I failed… I somehow inhaled two tanks and lived… I wanted to cry. If I could scream I probably would yell “Get this useless junk off me!”. But I couldn’t.
Wait, I couldn’t? I panicked and tried moving my limbs, non reacted. Now I was starting to get concerned. My thoughts were going 1 mile per hour, barely flowing, it took me a while to catch up. But then I tried with everything I had and... success! Slowly my foreleg inched its way along the grass right toward me.
I slid my foreleg along my body, using it as support for the very tired limb I was now dealing with. Finally, with a tremendous effort, I gripped the bottom edge of the bag on my head and slowly lifted it off.
My foreleg dropped straight down with it onto the ground and I panted hard and faster than ever gulping the precious oxygen, yet feeling no relief. Moments later I tried to focus and couldn’t. I was gone again.
I don’t even know how many times I passed out at this point. It took a while but I was now able to gather my thoughts a little. With an enormous effort, I lifted myself back against the tree bark, finally dislodging the rock that was causing me so much pain. When I was finally upright I slid my foreleg to get rid of that horrid sadist of the rock and finally relaxed pain-free. I needed to decide what to do next.
I took a look around. Things have changed, it was clear to me that hours had passed at least if not days at this point. But judging by the fact that I was not eaten alive, I would place my bets on hours, so I went with that theory.
So far all I have done was think and move a rock and I was again feeling like passing out from exhaustion. So I did the only logical thing and tilted my head to get support from the tree and closed my eyes, just focusing on my deep breathing.
A while passed before I was comfortable trying to think again, but when I finally did I felt like my brain was covered with lead. Despite the effort it took, I looked around again.
Just like the last time sun was clearly in a different position and going down fast. I was still not eaten and much to my annoyance very much alive. Something that I somehow missed last time was the letters, lined up almost perfectly a few inches apart. It was an interesting quirk of my transport spell I had no knowledge about, granted I only learned it this morning. Still, interesting.
With my curiosity set, I reached for the first one closest to me that I could reach and unrolled it. There was not much inside, only what looked like a single sentence. But try as much I just couldn’t read it. I didn’t know why, I saw the letters, but they made no sense. I put the scroll down. What is happening to me?
I lay for a long time alone in the grass, it was starting to get really cold, if I had to guess it soon would be a sunset. Spending a night in a forest full of predators? Not a fun prospect.
With each half an hour I could feel myself regaining control of my body, and now I could fully move all my limbs if a bit on the heavy and tiring side, but a success nonetheless. My mind though… I was starting to get worried. I regained some capacity, I tried some simple equations and it appears I can still calculate to some degree, but it’s nowhere near what I had before… There was hope that since I was still taking deep breaths I could just be experiencing oxygen deprivation, but the fear still lingered with the letter in my lap constantly mocking me with its presence. I was scared to look inside, an irrational fear that if I did I would acknowledge that I couldn’t read it. Like it would change a thing.
I sighed quickly, there was no point in delaying. I spread the paper and…
where are you
I never felt so relieved in my life. And with my reading power sorted out, I reached for the second scroll.
twilight please answer
And the third one.
Twilight we are looking for you, please don’t hurt yourself. Please write back.
Celestia
And the last one, the biggest one so far with much better calligraphy and compared to the other ones they look like chicken scratches.
Dear Twilight,
Please come home. We are all worried about you and miss you greatly. Everyone here is worried sick.
Your friends told me you have been really depressed lately. I’m sorry I was not here for you when you needed me the most. I swear I will make it up to you if you only give me a chance.
I love you so much Twilight, please don’t take your life. There will be nothing that could replace the grief in my heart if you do so. Please, just please let me hear your voice again, I need to hug and nuzzle you. Please.
Sincerely,
Princess Your friend Celestia.
I teared up reading this. I didn’t know why, it felt like the princess had poured her heart into it. I needed to get back and see her.
Walking was hard. I was panting, stumbling and generally wishing to just lie down and die. But at this point, if I can choose I would rather not be eaten alive, thank you very much.
It took me a while, in almost total darkness, guided only by the moonlight glow, but finally, I reached the edge of the forest. I saw Ponyville lights, probably families who had yet to turn in for the night.
Looking around, it was just so peaceful. Do you really want to ruin it? Bring your misery back, double the pain they feel already? I looked back and thought it through. I could go back in, find some hiding spot, sleep through the night and try again tomorrow.
It was tempting, it was for the best. I wouldn’t burden anypony anym--
“TWILIGHT!”
Rainbow.
I’ve found her. After hours of flying around and above Everfree Forest, I hoped beyond belief that I would catch a glimpse of anything purplish. I never did, but now I found her! Alive! My friend was alive!
I shot through the sky towards the ground like a projectile landing almost roughly in the grass and sprinted towards her. Giving her the biggest hug and for once in my life not caring in the slightest for my show of affection.
“Don’t EVER do this to us again! You hear me? We love you so much Twilight, I love you so much.” I started shouting, then talking and finished whispering. I was so happy, that is until I felt her go limp. Adrenaline shot through me. “Twilight?!”
I held her and dislodged myself from her shoulder to look at her, her eyes were open and looking around but glazed over like one-way windows. Her breathing was deep and really fast, and she suddenly looked dead tired.
I carefully sat her down on the grass and took my saddlebags off. Fluttershy had insisted I carried a first-aid kit in case I found her in desperate need of medical attention.
Being careful I looked Twilight around from all angles. But found nothing I could patch up. Did she take something? I didn’t know, but I knew I needed help. I grabbed my saddlebag and fished out a signal torch I brought to alert others in case I found something. With a click, it shined lighting up the sky.
“It will be okay Twilight, we got you.”