Beauty Queen, Action Pone, Chapter One
"Twilight, do you know what 'buck cake' is?"
"Buck cake?" Twilight was an intelligent pony. Normally, this is a good thing. However, when a pony develops a reputation for intelligence, it can have disastrous consequences. Despite having no idea what the question meant, Twilight couldn't simply admit she didn't know. Instead, she racked her brain for an answer, "its like … beefcake. The romance novels where the stallion covered in rippling muscles is staring into the eyes of a mare."
"Oh," Rarity replied, turning her attention back to the book she was levitating before her, "so what is a ninja?"
"I know that one!" Spike shouted, "they're the greatest warriors ever! They can do, like, back flips and stuff, and they fight like this!" Spike, eager to impress, leapt into the air off one leg and fell smacking the back of his head on a table.
"Handsome ninjas," Rarity muttered to herself.
Because Twilight was distracted with Spike at that moment she didn't notice her friend nodding thoughtfully and walking out the front door of her library. If she had noticed, she would have realized Rarity had been looking through the pile of pornographic works which she had selected for burning. If she weren't distracted by inspecting her dazed assistant and the dent his thick skull had left in the table, she would have noticed the title, The Kamen Sutures, of the book Rarity was reading.
Also, she didn't notice because her interference at this moment would have made for a really short, unsatisfying story with no climax despite the furious hand movements involved in its creation.
8====> ---,
The next morning, Rarity read over the spell one more time to verify she had it down. "Whiter teeth and coat," it promised. She stared hard at the words and sent her magic out.
Her horn glowed, but nothing seemed to happen. She looked in the mirror, uncertain of what she should see. She was pretty much snow white already, but maybe some sparkles would appear?
The perfect mare tried a smile, but it was still the same tired, perfectly-formed expression. The same perfect white teeth that, in the occasional dark moment, she just wanted to smash out with a concrete brick. To see what her hooves would look like shattered and bleeding. To feel a hoof on the back of her head, shoving her against stone or wood until ...
Eugh, she shoved away the bad thoughts.
Tucking the book into her saddlebag, she walked out the front door to confront yet another distressingly perfect day. Her first priority was to get back the no money she had given Twilight for this useless piece of fluff.
Something spattered on the ground beside her. That was odd, she thought, looking at the cloudless sky. Another spatter, and she noticed that it wasn't rain. Thick, white, a third spurt spattered across her back and clung their, warm and clotting to her fur.
The unicorn turned to see four black clad figures standing on the roof. Had she been Fluttershy, she would have been more familiar with this experience. As it was, Rarity was confused by the bipedal anatomy and it wasn't until she felt a bitter stinging in her right eye that the dots connected.
"Augh! Gross! Gross! Gross!" the fashionista screamed as she bolted away. In her wake, the four ninjas somersaulted from rooftop to rooftop.
8====> ---,
After about twenty minutes of unladylike exertion, Rarity had finally managed to lose her pursuers. She'd also stumbled into the Ponyville market. She walked slowly between the stalls with nothing specific in mind to buy, but she needed the normalcy after being chased from her home by those strange creatures.
Normal. Normal bodega charging exorbitant prices for normal ribbon. Normal fruits and vegetables. Normal Derpy Hooves slowly flying in normal circles a few feet off the ground.
The ribbon didn't seize her eye, and so she approached it and the brown salespony. A normal thing to buy from a normal pony and return the day to mundanity.
Derpy drifted closer. For a moment, Rarity noticed how completely two-dimensional she was, and her mind trickled at the edges of the black clad figures holding up the cardboard cut-out of the silent background character. She shook her head, forcing the background back into the ignorance.
She was in the process of haggling over the price of an umbrella when one of the black clad figures supporting the cut out in the background detached from the pegasus. Slowly, the figure stalked forward, its paw gripped around the only part of its anatomy exposed.
A sixth sense drummed at the edges of Rarity's mind, and she dropped to the ground as the arc of semen flew overhead. Caramel fell back, white spray clinging to his face.
"Oh, Celestia, some of it is getting in my mouth because I am opening it to talk right now!" Screamed the pony as he collapsed to the ground and flailed around melodramatically.
Rarity lent no prayer for the dying, turning to face her assailants. Dozens of them were revealed as they dropped their props and stood in dark glory, but their focus was not on her. Instead, they all looked upon the last shooter, who was stepping back, his hands held in front of his face.
"Hey, uh, guys, that was an accident, right?"
One of the ninjas shook his head, "My son, your seed has touched a male. You have become a participant in ..." he sighed, resting his palm on his forehead, "gay stuff."
"It was just a mistake, we're still cool right?"
"I'm afraid not, my son."
The man sobbed gently as he pulled forth his blade, literal blade not euphemism for penis, and carved open his stomach. The code of the Bukkake Ninja is iron clad, and there is only one way to recover one's honor after the gay stuff.
Taking advantage of their distraction, Rarity grabbed an umbrella from Caramel's stall and ran for the only place that might serve as a haven against the constant sexualization of the world, Twilight's Library.
8====> ---,
Rarity paced inside the library as she explained her terrible day so far.
"They must be bukkake ninjas," said Twilight, nodding her head at how correct she was.
"How do you know that?"
"Because you don't notice them arriving, but you always see them coming."
Pinkie Pie (who was also there, why not?) turned to Rarity, "Is that what I sound like to other ponies?"
"Yes, dear."
"I don't think I like me very much."
Twilight recovered from her self-amusement and turned to Rarity, "Why don't you go have a bath? It will take me a while to figure this one out."
8====> ---,
The unicorn draped herself in a towel as she filled the tub with warm suds. She wasn't sure why being naked outside never bothered her, but for some reason she felt the need to cover up immediately before and after bathing.
She slid under the bubbles, concealing all the naughty bits she didn't have. It had been a long day, and it was barely passed lunch time. Lunch, she thought to herself, in her struggles she'd entirely missed it. She was certainly hungry. When she was done bathing, she'd have to ask Twilight if she had any legumes. Peanuts or beans or something. Protein, whatever it was.
The warm water relaxed her tired muscles, and she found herself drifting into sleep. While she lay in unladylike sprawl, a long filament dangled down toward her. The string hovered just a few inches from her open mouth, and was soon joined by several more. Each ninja had his own thread, down which he slid his silent tears of honor. Thick ropey strands crept closer and closer to the sleeping pony.
Spike pushed open the door, hoping to see something he'd been seeing all day, everyday for his entire life living with more or less nudist creatures. His eyes took in the sight of his lady in peril, and he did the first thing his dragon instincts told him to.
Flames shot above Rarity's sleeping form, torching the threads and their liquid loads. The sudden heat disturbed Rarity's bath and she opened her eyes in time to see the ninja retreating.
"You saved me!"
"Yeah, uh, I think I sent those to …" Spike paused, then began instinctively stealing towels. "If Twilight asks for me, tell her I've gone into hiding for a few hundred years."
Spike vanished through the door, and Rarity followed, although once more draping a bathrobe over all the naughty bits she didn't have.
"These creatures you've encountered are certainly Bukkake Ninjas. Sick, monstrous creatures who travel through space and time to masturbate over female characters that they will never have sexual access to. Not that this is new for the sort of people who write, read and enjoy this material." After saying this Twilight turned to a blank wall and began winking furiously, as if her brain were in mid-stroke.
Pinkie Pie turned to Rarity again, "I don't do that, do I?"
"Well, sometimes."
"But it doesn't even make sense. The term isn't a literal reference to a wall, but to acknowledging the artificiality of the construct. The wall in question, at least in an animated medium, doesn't exist. If you specifically discuss how the wall exists and is being broken, then you reestablish the barrier between audience and characters! It just becomes an exercise in mastur-"
"Pinkie, darling," interrupted Rarity, who was growing quite tired of her pink friend's preaching, "please shut the fuck up and let Twilight continue with her story."
Twilight, "They will not rest until they inseminate you."
"What?"
"I know this might be a bit much to deal with, but according to the spell it doesn't have to be one of them that impregnates you, it could be anypony. A close friend, for example."
"But ..."
Twilight walked out from around the strategically positioned table to reveal a phallus dangling between her legs. It was so long that Twilight's sparkles dragged against the ground.
"But according to this," Pinkie Pie interjected as she looked at the book Rarity had brought back from her boutique, "the spell will also stop at sunset and the ninjas will disappear."
"Well, maybe the ninjas," Twilight said, "but look at me now! My dick won't disappear until I impregnate somepony."
"Actually," Pinkie continued, turning to another book, "it will also disappear at sundown."
"Thank you, Pinkie." Twilight's voice dripped with something unpleasant. Slightly less pleasant, even, then what dripped from between her legs across the floor.
"Oh, you're welcome, Twilight."
"Rarity? Would you mind leaving and locking the door after you."
"Are you sure?"
"I think there is something I want to discuss with Pinkie Pie."
8====> ---,
Just a couple hours to sunset. Rarity knew she could make it. A rustling from the shrubs caused her to pull out her umbrella just in time.
The bukkake ninjas leapt from the shrubs, firing freely. Soon, the canvas dripped with liquid life, leaving a trail behind the fleeing unicorn.
The first open door she saw lead into Sugarcube Corner, and she dived through the wood. Manners demanded she leave her dripping shield behind her, but she had soon concealed herself behind a menu
While she sat, considering her options and killing time, a donut, steaming hot and fresh, was slid across the table toward her. Absentmindedly, she picked up the donut and bit into it. She chewed for a moment before detecting a bitter taste and spitting it back out. It was glazed with...
A figure in black pajamas did a back flip out of the window before she could speak.
Eager to complain to a manager, Rarity approached the front counter to see Pinkie Pie standing calmly. The unicorn turned her head from side to side, seeking out any ninjas that might be hiding behind her friend.
"If you make a joke about me being two dimensional," said the earth pony, "they will be picking pieces of your body out of dumpsters as far away as Las Pegasus."
"But aren't you supposed to be back in the library with Twilight?"
"Turns out she's just a two pump chump."
"Then, shouldn't you be, at least, a little upset about … you know."
"Getting raped by my best friend? Oh no, don't worry. The mares of the Pie family are tougher than that. We take all our pain and bury it deep, deep down in the darkness where the sun will never find it. Bury all the pain beneath a smile and a giggle until it turns wicked and twists around and around, and starts coming back up in our dreams," Pinkie's voice had gradually lowered to a whisper.
"Do you know what I dream of, Rarity? Can you imagine the things I see whenever I close my eyes? They make me happy, Rarity. Happy. That's what scares me, because I see those horrible things and I want them, Rarity. I WANT-"
"Oh, look at the time!" Rarity looked down at her foreleg. Realizing she didn't have a watch, she magically ripped a clock off the wall and hovered it in place over her limb. "I've got to be at the place with the thing," the thing that isn't a paranoid schizophrenic, added her mind.
"RARITY!" screamed one such thing from outside. Rarity looked out the window and saw a figure in black pajamas. His pants and shirt were split at the center by a pot belly, revealing a pale stretch of flesh. The hat, small of brim and brown in color, marked him as special. The leader of the clan that had ruined her day.
In his arms he held Sweetie Belle; the younger sibling squirmed in his iron grip. "If you will not come for us, then we will come for your sister," the figure bellowed. He held a blade in the air, the fading sun glinting off the white and clear liquids separating on the steel. Dripping in the sun, casting orgasmic rainbows.
"That's not how pregnancies work!" The unicorn protested as she turned in fitful circles. To go out there, she'd be walking straight into an ambush, but she couldn't leave her sister.
Her fretting was interrupted by the sound of metal crashing onto ceramic. She turned back to the psycho and saw six long, vicious metal rods connected to a solid, brick-like frame.
"Don't you think it is time to stop running?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"But those don't exist in Equestria!" protested the anti-cannon, canon-conscious fashionista.
"Neither do penises."
Rarity paused for a moment, then nodded her head. "Point."
Rarity lifted the enormous weapon with her magic, hearing the satisfying purr as the diesel engine within came to life. She turned back to the door, to be stopped again.
"Don't forget your action theme."
"This is an action theme? It sounds like some chip tune bullshit."
"That's just their gimmick, like how I'm talking about the background music with you."
"Oh, so its a desperate ploy for originality that distracts from any actual talent one might have in a misguided effort to standout by doing the same thing tons of other ponies have done," being a creature of the world of fashion, Rarity could understand such things easily.
As the guitar kicked in, Rarity kicked out the doors to Sugarcube Corner. The sun was setting, it's fading rays glinting off the rotating barrels and the line of brass cartridges. Not long left. "Pinkie?"
"Yes, Rarity?"
"I'm not sure how to thank you."
"Some day, and that day may never come, I may call upon you to do a service for me."
"You'll have it. Whatever it is," responded the Element of Generosity.
"You'll regret it."
The street beyond had emptied itself into welcoming homes. Ponies, donkies and other things had retreated back into the warmth of their pasts, leaving nothing but the snow white warrior and her black clad foe.
Rarity took a deep breath and threw herself forward, spinning to see half a dozen ninjas standing on the roof of Sugarcube Corner. Without waiting, she opened fire. A wall of steel flew from her, reducing them to bloody vapor as they leapt. A shower of body parts and blood rained down on the unicorn from above, staining her white fur.
She turned slowly, waiting for the next attack. A cluster of bushes that hadn't been outside before she went inside rustled themselves, and she narrowly escaped backwards from the liquid torrent. The air erupted white hot with liquid life, then whiter hotter with her solid death as the bushes too disintegrated.
The unicorn backed away, her barrels turning, seeking the next attack. There wasn't long now. The sun winked its last eye at her, a final acknowledgment of the coming blackness and the hope it promised.
The sun! Rarity turned eyes back into the fading glare to see a faint shadow moving. She fired wildly, unable to aim as the flying self-flagellater came at her. Her bullets struck true, rending his body in half. There was a wet meat smack as two halves of a carcass landed to her left and right, like boat lights on a ship built by someone who didn't know left from port and felt the need to hedge his bets.
Rarity turned to the last standing ninja. The one in the fedora. The hairs on his neck rustled proudly in the breeze.
"Get the fuck away from her, you dog," snarled the princess of pain.
The man dropped Sweetie Belle in the same gesture that he hurled a metallic disc. The metal, decorated with five points like some Jewish heresy, struck the center of Rarity's gun causing the metal rods to scatter in disorder.
Rarity dropped the disordered cannon and reared back onto her hind legs. Smiling, the ninja leapt forward, swinging low. The unicorn pushed into the air as the blade came at her knees, her rear hooves crashed down on the steel and pushed it into the street where it sparked off stone.
She dropped her fore hooves down, aiming at his head. She struck only air as he released his blade and rolled away. Back on his feet. Without his sword, the ninja gripped his wand and cupped his pentacles.
The two warriors regarded each other. This was it, the final showdown.
"Waifu!" screamed the ninja kicking off a wall.
"Loser!" Rarity hurled herself forward.
The clashed in the air. Hooves met feet, hands met hooves, horns met each other and that was on the borderline of gay stuff. Rarity smashed a hoof through the ninja's jaw, decorating him with a ruby necklace. She twisted her body away from a pearl necklace of similar origin. The clamored further into the air, pegasi without wings. A footy sock connected with Rarity's midsection, knocking the wind from her. Her rear hooves connected with a knee, shattering bones and pushing the joint out of its socket.
They crashed back to the ground, hymen and human both still more or less intact.
The sound of their gasping breaths was interrupted by the tolling of a bell. The sun vanished beneath the horizon.
The ninja removed his hat for a moment and nodded bruskly to the last worthy foe. He turned to walk away from the battle.
"Oh no, this ain't ending that easy."
Rarity galloped after the figure before it could fade from reality and slammed its body to the ground beneath her pony weight.
8==\\(U)/!3;;,, ..
Rarity had never slept in a better bed. Which made sense, because it was her bed.
It had been a good day, actually. A new hat rested on her hat rack. Beneath the hat, the gaping, drooling mouth of the last ninja hung open. Blood pooled on the floor in an undignified manner, but it was an organized undignified. Organized by her liking.