Of Darkness and Worth
She could hear those words continue to ring in her head.
“Thank you for granting me my freedom back, Ollie.”
Over and over, that betrayal stung at her soul, with Fred (or, as he was properly known, Fhtng) the Demon, her closest and really only friend, having truly abandoned her after they finally discovered the location of the ancient Hold within a ruined city deep in the jungle. She barely even knew what he wanted to do with that damned portal, but clearly he didn’t need the Prophet’s Key she managed to keep ahold of.
Oleander could feel the humidity of the jungle they were in tickle at the deep cursed marks that were rend across her side by the one being she thought she could trust, but they hurt nowhere near as much as looking at the book that once housed him, the Unicornomicon, now lifeless and dormant, with no spells to learn from it and nobody to banter with inside it. She let the book lay a few steps away from her on the ancient cobblestone of the city, the humid and brisk night air whispering against her coat, but she didn’t shiver from how much stronger the chill inside her heart was.
It was unfair really... she knew the other ungulates that she was travelling with, the Champions of their kinds, would actually be respected by their communities--well, apart from that crazed Alpaca, at least. The Cow, the Sheep, and even that vain Reindeer had friends and others they could talk to, and the Longma was undoubtedly revered by her kind and would showered in praise regardless of if she succeeded or failed in her mission. But, as for the Unicorn...
Even before she left her kind, Oleander never really got any companionship from them, too invested in their religious bullshit to care about the actual issues cropping up. She knew that none of them were happy with their little group and being lapdogs for the High Priestess, so she often sought out to find more about the world, searching in places her ‘holy’ Order would never dare approach, and eventually, she found something.
At first, it was just a book, full of spells like any other, save for the new and exciting dark magics it contained. Then, it was a tool, albeit a fickle one with the Demon inside that didn’t like to obey or teach her about how she could use it to make things better. After that, it was a friend, at least of sorts, with the goal of finding the Prophet’s Key and sealing the Hold as something to make them work together and bond... but...
Now, it was just pain.
Pain of losing that friend, pain of being betrayed by that friend, pain of leading and helping that friend get exactly what he wanted, and pain of knowing just how much worse she made things for everyone else, undoubtedly having doomed countless innocent ungulates to suffer from the Predators because she was too stupid to realize that working with a literal Demon was a bad idea!
Oleander had no idea what to do at this point, but she knew she was tired. She was so tired of all of this, all the stress and pain of getting to this city and finding the location of the Hold, all the irritation from having to work with other species, most of them incompetent, and all the pressure of having to stand up to what they expected of her, with the Longma in particular clearly hating her for siding with a Demon.
Back then, she tried everything she could to prove that stubborn Longma wrong.
Now, she knew the Longma was right.
She sealed her fate when she made a pact with that Demon, and made everything leagues worse by defending him time and time again, and now owed her life to them after they saved her from him... There was so much she owed to everyone at this point, but there’s no way she could ever pay it back.
So, she just wanted it all to stop.
She just wanted all this agony that she wrought upon her self, and wove into her very being, to end.
That was it, then... All she wanted now was... to end.
Oleander didn't even bother perking her ears up at the sound of hoofsteps approaching from behind her.
"Hey," Arizona called out to her as she walked up beside the Unicorn, "I ain't gonna ask if y'er alright, but..." She trailed off, seeming not sure of what to say in whatever pointless attempt to comfort the other ungulate she was making.
Oleander couldn't care any less about the Cow had to say to her though, as her eyes were still tracked onto that damned book. Even if she could properly register what was being said to her, she had no reason to care; she was less than useless now, having any real ability to use her dark magic ripped away from her, just leaving her to undoubtedly cause more problems for the other Champions if she were to stay with them.
Eventually though, Arizona seemed to read her forlorned expression enough to ask, "..Ya really were his friend, huh?"
"Shut up..." Oleander growled back at her, only wanting to be left in silence again so she could actually solidify her thoughts on what she wanted to do.
"Sorry, Ah just.. didn't think ya wanted to be alone righ' now..." The Cow replied hesitantly, still a couple paces away from the other ungulate.
Scoffing, the Unicorn deliberately turned her head away so she didn't have to look at that creature's damned sympathetic smile in her peripheral vision.
"Ah mean, I know he was y'er only friend fer a while, and ya ain't used to being alone, so..." Sighing, Arizona really didn't seem like she knew even what was actually up with the other ungulate, but something in what she just said made Oleander cut her off.
"You really think you're my friend?" The Unicorn spat at her, making her pull back and hesitate in a mix of surprise and confusion.
"W-well, yeah.." Arizona stuttered in reply, seeming genuinely baffled that that wasn't the case. "Ya really seemed to like spendin' time with us, even most of us ain't the best ta be 'round..."
Rolling her eyes, Oleander shot back, "That never meant much.. and it especially won’t after this. Everything I've done, my entire life... has just made everyone else's worse."
"Well.. I don't know y'er entire life, but Ah'm pretty sure that's a bit much--"
"No it bloody isn't." Oleander snapped back, jerking her eyes to look firmly at the Cow, glaring directly at her. "You know how much I've depended on him, how far I've gone for him, and how much time we've spent together, and now he just threw me away like I was garbage." Eyes pulling back to the book for a moment, she really felt like just tearing that thing to shreds, but...
Looking back to Arizona, she continued, "Practically everything I've done of meaning was because of him, and now that idea that he also wanted to help me got ripped away in the most painful way possible. I have nothing now; no incredible dark magic, no extensive knowledge about spirits and the Predators, no friends..." Looking down at the ground and feeling tears sting at her eyes, she tersely finished, "I'm just a deadweight to you all at this point."
After a couple seconds' pause, her eyes flew wide open as she felt a pair of forelegs wrap around her barrel, hugging her. "No ya ain't, Ollie," Arizona told her, somehow assured in her tone.
"Why.. the hell are you hugging me?!" Oleander lashed back, and tried to pull apart and escape from the hug, but the Cow's grasp on her was far too strong. "You know what I've done!"
"Yeah, Ah do," Arizona replied, still calm and trying to comfort her, "Ah know you've done a bunch o' bad stuff, but ya've done a lotta good as well. Even without all y'er crazy dark magic stuff, ya still managed to figure out where this place was before any o' the rest of us."
"B-but--"
"Nuh-uh, missy," She cut the Unicorn off, getting an almost offended look in retaliation, but Arizona continued unwavered, "Ah know ya weren't always on tha best o' terms with you-know-who, 'cuz fer as much as ya talk 'bout arguing with us 'bout him, ya've done y'er fair share of the opposite. 'Specially when ya talkin' 'bout what you two want outta this whole adventure."
Oleander could only stare back at her in shock; why would anyone stand up for her and try to comfort her after what she did? She practically got them all killed, and may have doomed the entire world to death by the Predators, and what she got in response was sympathy and compassion?
"That is... horribly naïve," She chose to reply in turn, trying to keep her voice level as to not give away the mess of emotions whirling around in her head.
Of course, Arizona just smiled back at her in a goofy, yet slightly sad way as she said, "Ah know. Ah ain't exactly the smartest cookie, but Ah know ya ain't a bad gal. Ya tried to tried ta use an honest-ta-Faust Demon to help stop the Predators, and it worked fer a while."
Oleander just scoffed and tried to pull away again, shooting back, "Well, it doesn't matter what I was trying to do, now does it? Fr--" She visibly winced at the name, and had to shake it off to continue, "He, knows where the Hold is now, and it's all my fault. I helped him find it, I helped him know more about the modern world, and I was the one that awoke and took him with me in the first place. So many ungulates are going to suffer because, of, me.
“So don’t bother saying that I’m worth keeping around, and just let me suffer alone,” She spat at the Cow, and lit up her magic to practically rip those forelegs off from around her so she could stomp away.
It was only for a few seconds that she could possibly convince herself that that statement would be the end of it, as Arizona then called back at her, “That ain’t gonna help anybody, least of all yerself.”
Stopping on the damp cobblestone just past the book she intentionally left behind, Oleander turned her head back to glare at the other ungulate, shouting back at her, “I don’t bloody care what happens to me now! Even your moronic self should know that at this point!”
However, instead of the dumbly sympathetic expression she expected from the Cow, the one she held was more thoughtful and focused as she spoke, “Nah, I mean ya started on this adventure ta help everybody, and clearly y’er determined as heck to do it, so are ya really gonna stop now?”
The Unicorn could only stare back at her, incredulous and offended. “What are you getting at, calf? I’ve already screwed up this much; do you really think keeping me around is going to end in anything other than disaster?”
“Yeah, Ah do,” Arizona retorted simply, and started moving slowly towards the other ungulate, “Maybe Ah’m still just bein’ silly, but ‘cuz of what I know ya really want ta do, and ‘cuz of how hard ya go fer it, I’m still thinkin’ there’s a lotta stuff ya could help with.”
“Like what?”
“Ah ain’t quite sure right now, but I know there’s a lot more ya can do than what you-know-who let ya do.”
Scoffing, Oleander continued to glare at the stupidly optimistic calf behind her--thankfully getting her to stop before actually reaching her--and she could only wonder why anyone would want to keep her around, as she’d never describe her interactions with any of them as ‘nice’. Even with her actual function in their mess of a team, she may have been able to translate ancient runes and work a map better than him, but so much of her magic was dependent on him that now, she basically had nothing beyond basic magic capabilities a child Unicorn could perform. And that wasn’t even counting all the stuff she’d inevitably make worse along the way...
Plus... “You know it doesn’t even matter, since even if you want me to stay, the others still hate me,” Oleander forced out of her mouth, her tone becoming more emotionlessly firm.
Arizona just tilted her head in response, and added in a sympathetic, yet skeptical tone, “Ya really think that?”
Oleander didn’t even bother replying to that, simply staring at that stupid Cow in silence but for the faint buzzing of insects amidst the jungle, and... another faint set of hoofsteps, which judging my the firm, measured gait, was...
“Dammit,” She swore to herself quietly as the hoofsteps grew louder, flames trickling into her range of hearing, and she adamantly kept her eyes away from the large doorway where the other ungulate emerged.
Oleander swore the humid air started to freeze along her back as she felt the gaze of the Longma as she continued to approach, stopping a short ways behind her.
“Look at me,” Tianhuo stated, her voice firm, but not as intense or scalding as the Unicorn expected, but it was probably just the other ungulate hiding her emotions.
Raising her head and turning around, Oleander looked back to meet the jade Longma’s gaze, which still held that unreadable and commanding look she knew all too well from her. “What do you want?” She asked of her, trying to keep her voice calm, but her fear of the unknowable question behind those burning ruby eyes still crept in somewhat.
“...I can tell you are in great pain, and that's not something I will try to devalue,” Tianhuo spoke, her voice tame and while not quite sympathetic, was at least understanding, “But I do hope you have learned something from what has just transpired.”
Scowling at the rather demeaning and slightly familiar statement, Oleander replied with a terse scoff and an irate, “Of course that’s what you care about here. It’s never about the agony we’re in, just ‘learning’ about how flimsy and frail I am, or just how stupid I am for spending my entire life on nothing!”
“I am not trying to devalue what you’ve lost--” The Longma tried to repeat, but Oleander just cut her off.
“Sure you bloody are.” The Unicorn retorted, watching as the other ungulate fell silent and seemingly contemplative, but a short laugh escaped herself and she looked off to the side into the dark depths of the jungle. “What does it matter at this point? What do I matter now?”
Oleander hardly cared for the pair of gazes locked onto her as she kept talking, her words starting to ramble as her tone became became somewhat hysterical, “Even if I learn something, I still don’t mean anything; I’m completely useless now, I’ve wasted my entire life and may have gotten every single ungulate killed, I have nothing to offer any of you anymore, and the only way things will go if I keep going with you is worse. I can’t do anything good for anyone else now... so...
“WHY ARE BOTH OF YOU SO INSISTANT ON KEEPING ME HERE!?” She blurted and glared back at the two ungulates before her, with only the Cow flinching at it. “YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE; WHY ARE YOU STILL TRYING TO CONVINCE ME I’M ‘GOOD’ OR I CAN ‘STILL LEARN THINGS’!?”
Tianhuo didn’t seem particularly perturbed by the outburst, and simply let the Unicorn vent for a moment before calmly replying, “..Because you are.”
“OH SHUT--”
“No.”
That firm, commanding, and almost scolding tone was enough to immediately silence Oleander, letting Tianhuo continue with encouraging passion, “Whatever you say to yourself, you are not worthless. You have helped the rest of us on numerous occasions, and you are not beyond saving. You are still young, prone to mistakes and missteps, and you still have a life yet to live, so don’t even think about tossing it away now--
“I’ve seen that look in your eyes all too often,” The Longma quickly interjected, putting Oleander further off-balance. “You crave death. You’ve suffered so much at the hooves of so many, that that’s all you can find in living anymore. In your mind, life is nothing but pain, so you just want it to end. However, I still will urge you to continue living.”
Letting the silence sit for just a moment, allowing the Cow and Unicorn a second of thought about what she said, Tianhuo then kept going, “I know pain like few others ever have. I have been beaten, burned, slashed, stabbed, and pushed beyond my furthest limits for more than twice your combined lifetimes, and I have killed more creatures than I could ever count. By all your rights, I should be nothing more than a self-loathing pile of scales and scars, but,
“Instead, I’ve taken each of those scars, both physical and mental, and imbued them into my very being. I have accepted each of the lessons they meant to teach me, and have become better for each of them.” She looked between the other two ungulates, observing the awed, yet somewhat worried and fearful looks, but simply continued on, “That, above all else, is the reason I am the Champion of my kind. Every event in my life is something I can and will learn from, especially the ones involving pain. Even if you don’t accept my way of thinking, even if you don’t want to continue fighting, that, is still something you should take from me.”
Letting silence fall back into place, Tianhuo paid keen attention to Oleander as she digested what was just said, likely reading her expressions for the several seconds she took to process everything, and by the time she was done, the Longma finally finished, “That is why I am so insistent that you learn from each of your mistakes, and this one with the Demon is undoubtedly your greatest.”
Oleander though, kept her terse and annoyed look as she pondered that idea for a moment, but quickly figured, “Even if I do ’learn’ from this, do you even think I’m worth keeping around?” Scoffing, she shook her head and glared at the other ungulate and retorted, “I don’t deserve to be a Champion; I never have. I have practically nothing to offer anyone. I’ve already shown you how untrustworthy I am with anything, especially my own wellbeing. Why you two seem to care about me in any capacity is beyond my understanding. Why can’t...” She paused, almost cutting herself off with a disgusted gag, “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
Tianhuo looked at the Unicorn measuredly, took a slow, deep breath, and then replied, “Ultimately, it’s because this is your duty.”
Oleander’s expression didn’t visibly change as she processed that, but rage and bewilderment swirled around violently in her head regardless. It was almost enough to miss Arizona jerking her attention to the Longma in surprise and asking, “Wait, what do ya mean?”
However, Tianhuo ignored the Cow and continued to elaborate, “Everything you lack right now--your magic capabilities, your physical power, your ability to work with others, and your own self-worth--they can all still be learned, and you can truly earn that right to be called a Champion. You’re not a lost cause, Oleander, not if you still possess the will to do what you believe to be right.”
The two ungulates then fell back into silence as the kept staring at each other, one of them calm and the other baffled. Arizona looked on, quite confused as well, not seeming to have much of a clue as to the direction the conversation was headed in.
However, the Cow did eventually manage to gather some comprehension together, and hesitantly asked of Oleander, “Is this uh, somethin’ ya still wanna be doin’?” She gulped as the other two ungulates tense gazes were pulled over to her, and she tried to explain, “Ah mean, Ah know ya wanted ta prove that yer dark magic stuff can be good too, and that was yer main thing, but...”
Sighing heavily in frustration and exhaustion, Oleander made the Cow trail off so she could think in silence again, unable to really cohere much of a proper thought with all the emotions mixed around in her head, and so she eventually just looked back up at the Longma before her and said with a level of resignation, “Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do, do I?”
“...That’s a quite dark way to look at your own life,” Tianhuo noted after a moment, seeming surprised by the sudden assenting.
Oleander just scoffed again at that and replied darkly, “I’ve already gotten used to living purely out of spite, you who’s been lavished with glorious purpose. Now I’ll just be living out of spite of my own damned life.”
Neither of the other ungulates had any response for that, and while Tianhuo seemed a tad put off by the barb, Arizona was clearly perturbed by the actual idea of a life like that.
Regardless, the Longma didn’t let the tense silence last for too long before changing the conversation and asking of Oleander, “Do you still have the Key?”
Oleander started to quickly nod, but then froze as she recalled where she put it. “Yes, it’s... in the book...” She muttered out half-heartedly, not even gesturing or daring to look at the cursed (or rather, no longer cursed) book that lay some steps behind her.
Sparing a glance at the other ungulate, Tianhuo quickly trotted over to where the book lay, keeping her distance from the Unicorn as she passed her, then picked up and opened the book. “Good,” She said with audible relief, then closed the book back up and held onto it as she seemed to ponder something. “Oleander, I have a request for you,” She then spoke carefully, making the ungulate in question turn back around to meet her gaze.
“What?” Oleander asked, her lasting exhaustion now mixing with her returning annoyance and spite.
Tianhuo didn’t speak for a moment, instead opting to approach the Unicorn with the book held with a foreleg, the Prophet’s Key laying on top of it. That image itself gave Oleander pause; it felt almost heretical, but that was nothing new to her--no, it was the Key’s form, its dark and muted tans and its gnarled and discordant shape really struck into her mind the idea that, as it lay atop the dull and dormant tome, that she screwed up even more than she could’ve imagined...
“Oleander,” The Longma spoke again, snapping the ungulate’s attention up to the pensive expression beheld in those crimson eyes, ones that undoubtedly had noticed the connection as well, “I believe you should keep ahold of these.”
A beat held the air in a bewildered silence.
“Wait, wha?!” Arizona spoke out before Oleander could even think of a retort, but her tone held enough shock for the both of them. “Ah thought we were--”
“I know.” Tianhuo words were firm, yet restrained. She knew exactly what she said as well as everything that it meant, but was willing to go through regardless. That should’ve hardly been a surprise, given the other two ungulates’ experience with her, but this... Her eyes weren’t swayed by the Cow’s gaze, instead still focused on Oleander as she explained, “You are quite fragile, young one, and pushing you away in whatever manner or however indirectly, would only harm you further. You have also shown some proper understanding with your most recent mistake, and seem willing to fix it, and so...
“I am trusting you with these.” She held the book and Key a bit further forward, clearly presenting them to the startled still Unicorn, who had barely even moved since the Longma spoke. “The book is yours, and it would be best to reconcile with what it means to you since your revelation. And the Key...” Pausing for a moment, Tianhuo looked down at the ground and took a breath, gazing back at Oleander to state, “I’ll admit, I am uncertain about giving you this. But, I will, with no doubt in my heart, give you a chance to redeem yourself.
“It will not be easy,” She further elaborated, with Oleander starting to properly process the words in her mind once more, but still baffled as to why the choice was being given to her, “And it will stretch you far beyond what you thought may have been your limits, but you will be better for it. Your body will be trained, your mind will be honed, and your spirit will be focused into something more than just yourself. Do you understand me, Oleander?”
Blinking for what felt the first time in an hour, the Unicorn quickly lowered her head, thought whirring about almost painfully in her mind; she knew of the Longma’s meaning to train her and the pain that would no doubt ensue, but even with nothing to lose, did she really want to give herself so fully into this mission that she’d be unrecognizable on the other end? Whether they succeed or fail, whether she live or die... was any of it worth abandoning her previous ideology to give into what the warrior spoke of?
She had already thrown caution to the wind with her very quest as ‘Champion’, and she had no idea if she should even be the choices that controlled her life at that point. If she was going to give the reigns to anyone... it might as well be the master that bested all five other Champions at once and faced off against hordes of massive predators with naught but a stoic frown on her face.
Sharply turning her gaze back up to meet Champion Tianhuo’s, Oleander nodded with conviction and stated, “I’ll do it.”