Chapter 1: You tell her!
Starlight Glimmer is an…interesting unicorn, to say the least. In magic prowess, she’s peerless to nearly all but alicorns and the cream-of-the-crop unicorns.
But going by this monstrosity “Starie” whipped up for dinner, she must have poured so many of her life skill points into her magic that she could spare zilch points for her cooking ability.
Geez, where to even start with this “dinner” on my plate, which ‘da chef of the hour called “Glimmer Surprise”? The thin, wiggly, dark-green, seaweed-ish leaves were probably lettuce or at least a type of greens. As if another reason to dislike beans was needed, these white ones mixed in with the lettuce(?), all dotted blue to resemble mini-eyes staring back, served up a fresh one. Pretty sure those short, blue, squishy, tentacle-like tubes spread over the “peeking” beans and lettuce weren’t actually tentacles, but it might actually be better to keep viewing them as tentacles.
And to top it off, the smell! As Super Mario would say, Mamma Mia! Everything was coated in some clear, stomach-murdering sauce that Equestria should be ashamed of for allowing to exist! Man, and I thought some cookies that Twilight once baked were the hero of “P-U”! At least those cookies were visually appealing, though one bite forced me, Starlight, and even Twilight to spend some quality time with a toilet.
But on a more amusing note, judging from the faces and actions of Twilight, Spike, and even Sunset, they weren’t in a hurry to chow down their share of Glimmer Surprise either. Spike was poking one of those tentacles, and Twi and Sunset were both smiling–the “how can I get out of here politely?” type of smile.
“Well?” Starlight asked. Her face…oh boy. If her big, cute grin and glimmering eyes – pun intended – didn't scream pride for her Glimmer Surprise, my name isn’t Eric “Buggie” Reed.
“It’s…uh…a surprise,” Twilight answered, somehow maintaining her smile.
“That’s one way to put it.” Spike stopped his poking of tentacles and joined Twi and Sunset on nervous smile duty.
Starlight turned to me, still wearing her grin, and asked, “What do you think of my Glimmer Surprise, Buggie?”
“I think Sweetie Belle’s been dethro–uh, that is…sorry, what was the question again?” With the way she was staring at me with her grin and big blue eyes, I couldn’t finish that joke about Sweetie losing her title of worst unicorn chef. Compared to this Glimmer Surprise, that filly’s “specialty” of burnt juice looked like my mom’s lasagna–the best thing ever.
“I asked you, ‘What do you think of my Glimmer Surprise?’”
“Yeah, that. I…got nothing.” I gazed toward a banner of Princess Celestia hanging high on the dining room’s wall; had a hunch her troll side would get a giggle out of this. It wasn’t like I could ask her for advice on how to get out of this jam, so I turned my head back to my plate. Either my eyes needed an examination, or a tentacle twitched. “Uh, yep, still nothing. Why don’t you give her an answer, Sunset, while I keep thinking of one of my own?”
“Oh, uh, I’ve never seen anything like it, not even on the other side of the portal.”
“Uh, okay, but what do you–”
“Hold that thought, Starlight, and stay right there.” Sunset pointed a hoof toward the door. “I gotta go and...check something. Can the rest of you come with me for a second?”
An excuse to buy some time? Sign me up! Sunset hopped off her chair and made a beeline toward the dining room's door. Twilight, Spike, and I trailed Sunset to and through the door and into a hallway, our impromptu temporary safe heaven. Twi closed the door behind us with her magic.
“Okay,” Sunset started, “I didn’t have the heart to say it out there, but that ‘Glimmer Surprise’ looked and smelled awful!”
I said, “Calling that puke-fest ‘awful’ is putting it lightly. It’s a surprise I haven’t already thrown up!”
“No arguments here,” Spike said. “Even dragon stomachs have limits.”
The alicorn of the group sighed and said, “I hate to admit it, but I agree with you all. What Starlight…cooked was the second-grossest thing I’ve ever seen!”
Sunset asked, “Wait, ‘second worst’? What could top that as the grossest?”
“A ‘pie’ Rainbow baked to eat as a way to make up with Pinkie Pie for lying about liking her pies–long story. And its appearance was worse than anything you are probably imagining.”
If I didn’t know better, Sunset’s pupils widened a tad. “Whoa.”
“Yeah, woe is us, so what now?” I looked toward the still-closed dining room door, then turned back to my fellow victims. “Starie looked so proud of herself and wanted to do something nice for us. How can we tell her that Glimmer Surprise she cooked up sucks eggs?”
Twilight stared at me and cocked her head. “Um, ‘sucks eggs’?”
Spike matched Twilight's head-cocking. “I don’t remember seeing any eggs on our plates, or at least no edible eggs.”
“Oh, right, Equestria doesn’t have that expression. Well–”
Sunset interrupted, “Wait, you’ve explained human expressions to them a lot, so let me take this one: if something is really bad, humans may say it ‘sucks eggs’. Although I think it can mean other things too.”
“Maybe I should ask you two to write a list of more human expressions or slang I’m still not familiar with for me to study later. But anyway, as Rainbow learned when she lied to Pinkie and I learned when I lied about Princess Celestia’s acting, lying to protect Starlight’s feelings would be a bad idea.”
“I got you, so we gotta tell her the truth and hope for the best,” I agreed. “Who’s going to take the fall and do it?”
We all stared at one another. Hoped one of them would step up, but I had a hunch they were also hoping someone else would.
“Don’t look at me!” Spike finally yelled. “I don’t want to tell her!”
“Why not?” I asked. “She has the hardest time getting mad at you.”
“But she rarely gets mad at you either, so you do it! She even has a bit of a soft spot for you, and you’re the one that uses a nickname for her.”
“She’s got a soft spot for you too, but fine, here’s a better idea.” I pointed at Twilight. “Twi can tell her.”
“What?! How is that a ‘better’ idea’?!”
“Because it is you telling her instead of me! Besides, you’re her former teacher and head of the castlehold!”
“Then as head of the castlehold and a princess, I declare that I don’t want to tell her, but maybe Sunset could.”
A scowl lit over Sunset’s eyes. “Hey, Princess, don’t try to stick this on me! I hate hurting others’ feelings as much as you do!”
“But think about it, Sunset: it won’t risk hurting as bad if you tell her! Starlight knows you can be blunt, but never do it to be hurtful or mean-spirited.”
“Then I’ll ask bluntly: why should I do your dirty work? I don’t even live in Equestria anymore, let alone your castle!”
Twilight huffed. “Well, I don’t live on the other side of the portal, but it never stopped me from dropping everything and running over to–”
I raised my hand and said, “Okay, guys, we’re getting nowhere fast. If we don’t knock it off and figure out something, Star-chef is going to start thinking something’s wrong.”
“You’re right, Eric. Let’s find a way to settle this.” Sunset rolled her eyes up in thought, in classic pony fashion. “Uh…I would suggest we play ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ to decide who tells her, but Twilight and I can only pick ‘rock’ with hooves.”
I asked, “Maybe you and Twi could use some kind of smoke spell to pick scissors or paper?”
“Maybe, but I don’t know of any spells that can do it off the top of my head. It might take me too long to find a book–”
Wait, what was Twilight doing tip-hoofing away?! I dashed over and grabbed her tail to stop that alicorn in her tracks. “Hey! Going somewhere, Princess of Cowardice?”
She swung her head to me. Normally the adorkable grin that curled onto her face would be endearing. “Oh, hehe, me? I was, uh–”
“No, you’re not! There’s no way you’re running out on Spike, Sunset, and–wait, where’s Spike?”
Spike was gone. I let Twilight’s tail go and checked the nearest rooms, but saw no sign of a certain purple dragon. Not that this was the time to ponder it, but it was kind of a wonder why Twi never thought of a use for some of the castle’s empty rooms by now.
“Wonderful. He must have fled when I was focused on you–”
*Poof!*
Crud, not the teleportation pop. I spun back toward Twilight, but as expected, she was AWOL. I’ll give her this much: she’s gotten a lot better at remembering she can teleport to get herself out of jams.
“Ooh, wait till I get those two for this! On the bright side, you didn’t bail on me, Sun–”
This was embarrassing. It only now became clear to my eyes that the spot Sunset was standing had become one minus gold unicorn. Yep, Sunset made the “next targets for payback” list.’
The dining room's door opened in light-blue magic, cooling my swelling fury–for now. A second later, the lethal chef stepped through them. “What’s taking so–wait.” She peeked toward both ends of the hallway. “Where did Twilight, Spike, and Sunset go?”
“They came down with a nasty case of…something.”
“Really? They didn’t seem sick before.”
“You might be surprised by how sick in the stomach they felt.”
“Oh.” She pointed a hoof toward the dining room and added, “Well, my Glimmer Surprise is still waiting. Aren’t you finally gonna give it a taste?”
I sucked in a big breath. It was the moment of truth, in more ways than one. Had to remind myself I was wearing a white shirt, not a yellow cowardly one. “Yeah, that. I...don’t want to say it, but that…" My fists clenched. "Okay, that Glimmer Surprise looks and smells beyond gross. But trust me; it kills me to say that to you! All you need is more pra–”
“Hee hee.”
Okay, didn’t see that response coming. It got my fists to unclench, though. “Uh, was that a giggle?”
“Yep!” She patted me on my back while not frowning, but smiling, cheerfully! “To be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was that good anyway. It looked a lot better in my head and I considered throwing it out, but I decided against it, because I had a feeling that at least you wouldn’t lie if it really was bad. You remember how it ended the first time you lied to me and our friends soon after we first met?”
“Yes, yes I do, and I’m lucky you understood. You even went on to comfort me when I finally let out my hidden frustrations at the time about being stuck in Equestria and separated from my family.”
“Yeah, and I remember you later told me it was when I started feeling like a big sister for the first time.” A little smirk eeked on her lips. “Though, you could still give my Glimmer Surprise a try.”
The mere thought of that idea twisted my stomach into knots. “Uh…I don’t know.”
“Of course you know! Just give it a tiny bite.” She wrapped a foreleg around me. “Try thinking of it as making up to me for telling me it was bad.”
That would be fair, I guess. “Fine. But you’re paying my hospital bills if it sends me there.”
“Deal.”
We went back into the dining room and headed to the table. I sat in front of my waiting plate of Glimmer Surprise. Figures those beans felt like they were staring at me even harder than before.
Oh boy, the things I put myself through for that mare.
I willed my hand to pick up my spoon and scooped up some beans and a piece of lettuce. Barely noticed that my free hand had covered my nose more or less on instinct. The bean-filled spoon inched closer, closer, and closer to my semi-willing mouth.
‘Dig deep Eric. You can do this. She would do it for you.’
Managed to crack open my mouth and rammed my spoon in before it could close! Yep, it was a bad idea; the pungent flavor killed my mouth, twisted my preemptively rejecting stomach, and the beans and lettuce(?) flew back out my mouth!
But wait. The lingering aroma swirling in my gums…sweetened somehow. Not bad. Tasty in fact! A mix of mild yet savory spice, maybe from that sauce, took the reins and flooded my mouth.
I scooped up some more beans and a bit of lettuce and took a second bite. A smooth, creamy texture from the beans, a rich and surprising crunchiness from the lettuce, and a burst of that mild spice from the sauce, oh yes! “Whoa. If you break past the initial…kick, this is pretty good. Let’s test those…tentacles or whatever they are.” I took a bite of a tentacle–and wow! It was spongy and filled with a combo of salt and sweetness, kinda like sushi, or the ones I had anyway.
The simple bites I took evolved into outright wolfing down that Glimmer Surprise. Yep, my eyes were only playing tricks on me earlier–not a single tentacle budged during my sudden pig-out session.
“Hee hee, I take it you like my Glimmer Surprise after all?” Starlight asked as she leaned her head toward me, wearing her signature smug smirk. If she ever becomes an alicorn, the title “Princess of Smugness” would fit her to a “T.”
“Yep, and I’m not done! Yes…*gulp!*...come to daddy!” A shame half of my plate was already empty, but my stomach kept demanding moar. For food this good, I could take the smell still attacking my nose.
“In that case, eat up then, little bro. There’s plenty more where that came from in the kitchen.”
It was disappointing that the bite I just took was the last; my plate only had streaks of that weird but surprisingly delicious sauce left. “Mmm-mmm, that was…*burp*...amazing! I’m sorry I thought it would be awful. What’s in your Glimmer Surprise anyway?”
“Oh, I threw in some–”
“On second thought, don’t tell me. Let me stay safe in ignorance.”
“Good idea. But since you know it’s good, you can vouch for me when we see Spike, Sunset, and – as you might put it – the Princess of Cowardice again.”
“Heh heh, so you already pieced together the real reason those big sneaks made like drummers and 'beat it'.” A grin curled on my lips. An idea for some delicious payback pitched its plan to my noggin. “Actually, I got an idea to stick it to them for ditching me, but I’ll need your help. You game?”
A long, deep, curly grin rose onto Starlight’s face. “Sounds devious, so I’m game. What are we gonna do to them?”
“How would you feel about ‘modifying’ your Glimmer Surprise, just for them?”