Like all bronies, Anon wishes to go to Equestria. He was hoping to show up a little later in the show's timeline, however. And also as an adult. And male. Aw well, Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns won't know what hit them! And neither will Anon.
Anonymous finds himself in Equestria, ready to attend Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. He didn’t quite study for the entrance exam, but using the Magic of Friendship™ has never steered anypony wrong before!
Unfortunately, he’s using that kind of magic almost a decade too early. Whoops. Worse, admission was only open to young fillies and colts. Guess which one Anon is stuck as.
This was a fucking monkey's paw. Or maybe Discord's. I'm breaking his statue the first chance I get.
This shit right here, my little bronies? This should have been a dream come true. Lord knows how often we've all dreamt of this.
My name, as of ten minutes ago, is Anonymous. Well, it was actually more like eleven. But I did always prefer David Tennant. Hey, his name has a bloody ten in it!
"Anonymous? It's time for your entrance exam, Anonymous."
Oh right, the exam. Let me rewind a little bit here. I had an actual name, not that I'd willingly tell any of you jerks. I've been doxxed over less. Like you, I was just a shut in who barely managed to avoid NEEThood. Although I'd come rather close a couple of times. Regardless, life wasn't all bad. Or that bad, really. I had family, I had friendship, I was a contender! Oh yeah, my friends were mainly shitposters on the internet. But we didn't just throw shit at each other all day, oh no, I'd watch the shit out of Friendship is Magic. So did all the other anons for nearly a decade. So did you, presumably, because what else are you doing here on FIMFiction? Regardless, life was filled with letters of friendship lessons and the fanboying of adults of all ages.
Then I died. That guy cut me off, damn it! At least I think I died, I didn't quite feel much of anything. I'm also taking the idea of dying rather well, but I suppose I could just be imagining all of this in my head. Or go into some kind of shock. Either way, I went from driving around as a human one second to standing around as a pony the other. That would take the wind out of anyone's sails, but I didn't have a whole lot of time to process instant quadruple amputation. I found myself in a fancy motherfucker of a castle hallway, and looked around to notice actual unicorns sitting around me. Very nervous, very tense unicorns, to be exact. Tiny and kind of young looking, to boot.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
I have no idea who that was, but some random kid got up and ran after Forrest Gump. Oh hey, his cutie mark was a tree. Neat. Less neat was the hit in morale the room took, because plenty of colts and fillies ran off after the runaway. At this point even I was hoping I was just having a coma induced dream and I wouldn't be sent to the glue factory. I looked down at one of my hooves, green because of course not, and whacked myself upside the head. Yeah, my brain cells could have done without that.
Giving myself the sacrilegious self-boop, I reached my forehead and proceeded to firmly grasp the world's most magical tumor, located on my face. Well, that was neat. Judging from my brand new unicorn horn, the little ponies gathered around a fancy hallway, and the significantly older looking unicorn that occasionally popped out of a room to tell us it was time for an entrance exam, it wasn't too hard to guess that I was taking my entrance exam at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. On one hand, actual magic, hell yeah, I was so going to milk this power fantasy for all it was worth. On the other hand, I'm not sure I wanted to go through horse puberty around a bunch of what, five year olds? Six? How old were any of us supposed to be? How old was I now?
"Fee fi fo fum. I am going to learn magic, son." Huh, my voice sounded kinda high, but that was normal for little kids. More normal for pony kids would be the green coat and black tail. Wait, what was my cutie mark? Sure enough, a little black question mark stood out on my little green butt. Aw hell, was this going where I thought it was going?
I checked. Yup, it's an anonfilly story alright. Can't wait to end up being raised by Purple Smart and Dragon Bro. Assuming I didn't fail this entrance exam. What spells did I even know? Okay, levitation was supposed to be an easy spell, one that everyone just casually had. Taking some deep breaths, I tried to relax myself and focus. Just breath in and out, and unleash the magic. In and out, will your inner self through the horn. Maybe with the diaphragm instead of my lungs? Nah, I may have been confusing how to do magic with how to project your voice. Great.
I've seen Poochie brute force magic plenty of times, and I could be as stubborn as a former cult leader if I wanted to damn it!
Focus young Anon, the magic is mightier than the sword. It is an extension of yourself, and you will learn ze magicks!
I would feel my horn glow with power, any second now. Any second now. Any second now...
"Anonymous?" Shit, please tell me someone else got isakei'd to grade school. No takers, just a bunch of silent, nervous kids. "Anonymous, it's time for your entrance exam."
"Okay, I'm coming, I'm com-ing!" I fell to the ground face first. Great first impression, really needed to break down that morale even lower than it already was. At least no one laughed, though I got an eye roll from the attendant at the door. Okay, just think of it like crawling on all fours, doggy style. Steady, steady. Hey, I was doing it! Hell yeah, I'm a natural at being a little pony! I've got this!
"Well, Miss Anonymous? What spells will you be showing us today?" I don't got this. I don't actually recall a single goddamn spell cast vocally in the entire show. Did the spells even have any names? And where's the dragon egg? Aren't I supposed to hatch a cool dragon bro?
"Fillies and gentlecolts, we are gathered here today in the name of magic! To uh..." Fuck, I only knew of randomly timed musical numbers and shooting rainbows lasers at your mortal enemies. If you roll the dice you'll either give them redemption through friendship or just straight up stone them to death. Damn bipolar Elements of Harmony.
Harmony. The magic of friendship. The magic of Equestria that was it's very lifeblood.
The spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!
It isn't the Elements that will keep us connected. It's our friendship.
The magic within my crown was able to unite with those that helped create it!
You're wrong Tirek! I may have given you my Alicorn magic, but I carry within me the most powerful magic of all!
Discord's right! We've proven time and time again that the real magic within us is the six of us working together!
Okay, one spell. I've learned one spell in the past decade alongside the Princess of Friendship herself. And I was far from the only one out there to have learn those lessons with her.
"...my fellow Equestrians. Today, I will completely make up a brand new spell, right out of my cute little flank. Right here, right now." That got the observers talking amongst themselves. The sheer audacity of this cute little filly who couldn't even walk right!
Tree of Harmony, you there? I'm not one of your little ponies. But I know you're out there. I know what destiny you intend for the many creatures of this world. No, I don't wish to impede on your future. Instead, I humbly ask to walk amongst you all in the name of friendship. I can only offer you in return the lessons of friendship I have learned from those you protect and look over.
Honesty. Perhaps us Anons are too honest with each other. Or maybe not honest enough when it comes to ribbing each other on. But there's something refreshing about not having to choose your words carefully to express how you feel. To feel comfortable in the company of others. Not the worst way to go about it.
"Miss Anonymous, if you are not going to show us a proper spell instead of this singing, then-!" I don't know if she cut herself off, or if I just couldn't hear her anymore. Either way, I hadn't opened my eyes again.
Kindness. Tough lough, motherfuckers. We braced each other for the worst sure, but we hoped for the best. And if we ever interacted with anyone else? Well, perhaps it wasn't so hard to show a little kindness to others around us each day.
Distantly, I could feel myself singing.
Laughter. This needs no explanation. It was why we talked to each other to begin with. Jokes, board culture, references. Puns didn't hurt either.
Generosity. Giveaway threads to total strangers. Random vidya drops, maybe a little bit of art or greentexts to really make someones day. Whatever we could give, it would come from the heart.
Loyalty. Global rule five was a bitch, eat your heart out Barneyfag. Cope and seeth at a bunch of man-children all you want, we were going to enjoy our silly little horse show together. One day, we were all going to make it to Equestria, just like I did.
"Always, always...."
I opened my eyes.
Princess Celestia wondered, not for the first time, just how differently things could have gone nearly a millennium ago. Centuries of loneliness had become a bit of a blur, especially at the beginning, when Celestia had to scramble to lead her little ponies and reassure them everything would be ok when Luna had 'disappeared'.
If only I were not so blind and arrogant in our youth. Oh, if only I would have taken our bond less for granted, dear sister.
Why she contemplated this with increasing frequency these days, she did not know for certain. Perhaps because after nearly one thousand years, the day the seal of the moon failed would be upon them, and the stars would aid in the escape of the Mare in the Moon. Celestia had dedicated centuries of her life to maintaining eternal peace and harmony across all of Equestria, just so it would be able to fully dedicate itself to her sister's return.
Perhaps the sudden trip down memory lane was because her faithful student was making the same mistakes of arrogance towards others she herself made towards Luna when they learned under Star Swirl together. Harmony had a fondness for irony these days, it seemed.
"It's a simple matter, Princess Celestia. My studies take dedication and priority over more trivial matters such as friendship.”
Sunset Shimmer. A little filly whose magic shined brighter than any Unicorn she had seen since Star Swirl himself. One she hoof picked to be her intended champion and possible successor among the new bearers of the Elements of Harmony, the very same Elements she and Luna lost their connection to when they fought against one another.
Not that Celestia had told her faithful student that much, mind you. Sunset already had a hard time willingly working with others on a good day.
“There is more to life than studying for the sake of it, my faithful student. There is only so much one can learn from their dusty old books."
"These are your books, Princess."
"Yes, I have spent a couple of lifetimes gathering knowledge from all over Equestria. Do you know how I was able to do so, Sunset Shimmer?"
"Ponies respected your authority as Princess?"
"Not quite. Knowledge is to be shared among all us little ponies. What would happen if no one was willing to share such knowledge?"
"You wouldn't have any books?" An encouraging nod was all Sunset would get in response to this. "And if nopony was willing to share, you wouldn't be as knowledgeable?"
"That's right Sunset. Knowledge is gained through our personal relationships with other ponies. When we put one another in each others hooves, we are able to do things we could not otherwise."
"I dunno about that Princess Celestia. I'm already the most capable unicorn in the entire school. My magical power and grades are far above the rest of my peers." This was not as much of an arrogant statement as most would assume. Out of everypony at her school, Sunset set new records in academic excellence. Her teachers reported that Sunset's understanding of the magical material was ahead of the rest of her peers, who struggled with the coursework.
"Again, there is more to life than magic and grades, my faithful student. Friendship can bring out a part of ourselves we'd never have thought possible."
"I'm already fulfilling the impossible as your pupil. At this point, what the hay could anypony else possibly have to offer me so that I could grow any further?"
Were she not so surprised by the interruption, Celestia would be getting rather tired of the irony these situations had.
BANG
"WHAT THE BUCK! WHAT KIND OF EXPLOSION WAS THAT!" So much magic so bucking much of it what the BUCK!
"That was not an explosion at all, Sunset."
"P-princess Celestia? Didn't you feel all that power?"
"I have not felt this power in a very, very long time. Not since the worst night of my long life." Sunset gaped. Even after becoming Celestia's pupil at a young age, her mentor had always kept a rather professional distance between herself and Sunset. Much of the elder ponies life as, well, a pony was still a mystery to her.
While Sunset was having her entire worldview taken out back behind the shed, Celestia was trying so hard not to see the multicolored light that entered and left the room.
Harmony. There was no mistaking how it felt. She would never be able to forget how Harmony itself had felt when it's power was bestowed upon her.
Luna couldn't have escaped early, could she?
A quick spell showed her sister was still dormant in her imprisonment. Mercifully, so was Discord. So why was Harmony itself acting up? Another quick spell was cast to attempt to trace the origins of that massive magical discharge. Now Celestia herself would gape.
Instead of detecting the Elements or the Tree of Harmony as she had expected, Celestia traced that massive blast of Harmony itself to her own school.
"Sunset, I have detected the origins of that phenomenon. If this is what I suspect it is, then time is of the essence."
Sunset shook her head. "Understood, Princess. And if it isn't?"
"I do not know."
With another flash of light, both teacher and student were gone.
Books were wonderful! Books were filled with all kinds of wonderful things! Books that were big! Books that were small! Books that could teach you how to make delicious pancakes! Books that talked about becoming a princess, or how to go inside a book using Haycartes' Method! Books on how to be the Best L.S.B.F.F. (Little Sister Best Friend Forever of course!), or books about Star Swirl the Bearded and his many magical adventures, or even-
BOOM!
OW OW OK OW THAT WAS NOT WONDERFUL THAT HURT
"Twilight!" Wait, it was her B.B.B.F.F.! (Big Brother Best Friend Forever, of course!) He'd make the hurt go away! "Are you alright? There's a crazy amount of magic all over the place!"
"Shiny! My horn kinda hurts..."
"I know Twily, it's going to be ok. We'll figure out whatever's going on together. I promise."
"Thank you B.B.B.F.F...." As her Big Brother Best Friend Forever pulled her into a hug, the pain really did go away. Not only that, her horn suddenly felt really nice. Friendly, even. Like she could be Best Friends Forever with anypony...
Neither sibling noticed the glow of a six-pointed star Cutie Mark appearing on Twilight Sparkle's blank flank.
“Anonymous!”
If picking myself up from the ground was going to be a running gag, I'd like to opt-out of fillyhood.
Christ on a cracker, everything ached. My horn felt sorer than any kind of foreplay a virgin could only dream of in their depraved fantasies. Speaking of fantasies, any hope that this was all in my imagination had been taken out back behind the shed and told to imagine the bunny rabbits.
Actually I didn't like that metaphor for some reason. Maybe I'd used it before giving myself brain damage.
“Wake up my little mystery, please, are you alright?” Or maybe this wasn't real after all, I shouldn’t be hearing that voice here.
“Dad? Is that really you?”
“Oh thank Celestia you’re alright!”
That sounded like my actual dad, but it sure as hell didn’t look like him. Instead of a based middle age human male, I saw an admittedly based looking unicorn stallion with what looked like the Google Chrome Incognito Mode symbol on his butt. Seriously Haber?
When I remembered that I was trying to bullshit The Magic of Friendship™ before nearly accidentally killing myself, I turned to look at the observers who were whining about my singing earlier.
Woah, holy shit, did someone Allah Akubar Celestia’s School? The chairs and desks were all gone, the examiners had their clothing served extra crispy, and I’m pretty sure the wall behind me just fell over.
Every single one of the examiners were frozen at the site of all the destruction. Thankfully they all looked fine, aside from their clothing, but they were all looking towards something in absolute shock. It wasn’t very comforting that whatever it was they singled out among the destruction, it was a bit off to the side of me. Since I wasn't reborn as a cat, I decided it was best to look at whatever they were gaping at instead.
I saw legs. Tall, slender and white. No face though, always a tragedy when that happens. Then I followed the legs as well, and wished I'd just flunked the damn exam instead of whatever the hell I accomplished today. The face of one Princess Celestia herself was gaping at little old me. Something must really be going around, because all I could do is gape right back. Two gapeful beings, locked in a perpetual state of gaping combat.
“Princess Celestia, where’s the-OH SWEET YOU I TOLD YOU IT WAS AN EXPLOSION!”
Okay, I didn’t recognize that loudass voice. At least not at first. I gaped my gapeful gaze away from Princess Goddamn Celestia to gape at another character I’d recognize today. The golden unicorn looked older than me, yet not as old as she looked on the show. But there was no mistaking that yin-yang sun on her butt.
A young Sunset Shimmer stood there, looking around the entire room. Well, at least she wasn’t gaping as well. Even Celestia managed to stop gaping for a moment to compose herself. See people, with your generous donations, you too, can fight gaping.
“At ease Sunset, there is no emergency here. Mystery seems to be quite the accurate statement here, however, mister?”
“Anonymous.” “Incog Nito, your highness.” An awkward pause. Now my (new? old?) dad and I were gaping at each other. Also, seriously? You ponies split incognito into two words? Still, I’d better suck it up and accept the magically mandated gender reassignment.
“Uh, sorry Princess Celestia, dad. What’s going on, exactly?” Nailed it, charisma roll 20. Hell yeah. Or maybe I rolled a one, because for some reason that awkward feeling wasn’t going away, even when Mister Nito spoke up.
“Well, your highness, I was in the waiting area for parents when I felt my daughter explode! So I ran over here to see if she was…well, alright, thankfully.”
“I exploded? What the fuck did I-?"
“Anonymous! Where did you hear that word!” Uh oh, now I was thinking out loud. Had I been doing that this entire time?
“I-I overheard some adult at the village say it! I thought it sounded cool.” Surprisingly, I’d meant every word of that. I was actually remembering some random village I'd never been to. Trippy. Was this what the weebs tagged mind break?
“Do not speak that word in front of the Princess, young filly! My sincerest apologies for that outburst, your highness, but I must ask, what happened to my daughter?”
Princess Celestia had no idea what she was realistically expecting when she decided to teleport to the source of the surge of Harmony. Perhaps a student's research project had gone haywire. Though how said student would have managed to tap into Harmony itself, even she was at a loss.
A curious, foul-mouthed little filly trying to pass her entrance exam by using Harmony as an explosive was not high on her list of expectations. Still, no reason to be rude about it, Celestia thought, as she gave Miss Anonymous a gentle smile.
"That is what I would like to ask as well. Anonymous, was it dear?" A small, nervous nod was given. My, did she get rather sick of seeing little foals get so fearful in her presence. "Do not worry little one, despite how today appears, I guarantee you that that surge of magic would not have harmed a single pony here today." She supposed that with no true focus or target to send the traditional rainbow light towards, the power would simply surge wildly. Granted, every one of her little ponies here in Canterlot would remember feeling that ‘explosion’ for quite a while. "It seems you've had quite the entrance exam. May I ask what it was you've done here today?"
The filly did not reply immediately, preferring to look at the examiners higher up on the exam room desks. Said examiners were still rather flabbergasted at her own presence, it seems. Anonymous only sighed.
"Okay, I just sort of, uh, sang a little bit, I guess..."
"Oh? That sounds wonderful, dear. What kind of song was this?" Could it really be that song?
"Uh, you know, it was a catchy song. Like this." Reluctantly, the little filly began to whistle.
It was the song of Harmony. The same one the Tree had played when she and her sister first took the Elements. The same song that played when they stood against Discord.
The song that never played when she used them against Nightmare Moon. She thought she'd never hear that song again.
"That's a lovely song. Wherever did you hear it?"
"Oh that? It just, sort of, came to me at the moment?"
"Harmony." Oh, it seems that the examiners were now ready to report their observations.
"Yes, Miss Hidden Potential? You say that young Anonymous sung of Harmony?"
"Y-yes your Highness. She kept singing that over and over again. As she was singing, she began to glow."
"I was glowing? Kinda had my eyes closed."
"I-indeed Miss Anonymous. When you opened your eyes again, t-they were pure white."
Anonymous seemed rather dumbstruck by this revelation. Indeed, such a surge of magic was rare in young Unicorns, even among those that were recorded to have such high levels of magic. The last time such a surge had occurred was-
"What the buck is going on?" Ah yes, the day Sunset Shimmer had become her pupil. "Princess Celestia, you cannot be suggesting that this-" Quite the hoof pointing she had these days. "-filly triggered a Surge State by singing!"
"What's wrong with singing? Also, what the buck-as in bucking dad-is a Surge State? Aside from the one I just did somehow?" Anonymous interjected.
"You signed up for CSGU and didn't bother looking up something as important as a Surge State?"
"Does it look like I needed to know that Sunbutt?"
"SUNBUTT!"
"Sunset Shimmer," Celestia began, "do not attempt to belittle Anonymous' achievements. Anonymous, please do not insult your fellow ponies. And do mind your language, young filly."
"Yes, Princess Celestia."
"Sorry, Princess Celestia. If I can ask, what did I do when I sung about...Harmony." The word seemed fitting, coming from Anonymous, somehow.
"Harmony, eh? Of course you'd show off your favorite book." Mister Nito's interjection had caught her off guard, however.
"Oh? Does this book happen to be about the Elements of Harmony, Anonymous?"
"It uh, may or may not be?" Oh dear, they would have to work on the little filly's nervousness.
"Not to worry my little mystery, I'm still holding on to it for you." Indeed, Anonymous' father pulled a very familiar book out of his satchel. It was a rather worn out copy, but still looked perfectly intact. Intact enough for both Anonymous and Sunset to recognize it. "This, Princess Celestia, is the first real book Anon here has really learned to read. She makes me read it to her every night for her bedtime stories."
"Well then, it seems you are familiar with the Elements of Harmony, dear Anonymous?"
"T-that's impossible." Sunset interrupted. "T-those Elements are just a bunch of little foal's tales!" And yet, it seemed that Sunset was beginning to realize the truth of these tales. After today, a lot of ponies would, it seemed.
"Well, I am little." Anonymous replied with a wide smile. "I've always been a fan of these stories. Ahem. The Elements of Harmony are as follows: Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Loyalty, Mag-ick!" Oh? Now Anonymous absolutely had her attention. Had she managed to uncover the Sixth Element, lost to time and unknown to all but her? "M-Magical explosions?" Hm. Curious. And she was so confident, too.
"You seem uncertain young Anonymous. Do you have some theories on what the lost Sixth Element could possibly be?"
Anonymous looked towards the wall next to her. Or what was left of it, anyways. "Just a thought your highness. I think that maybe, if you brought all five together, it would be rather, magical?" A pause. "I guess that wasn't quite right, was it?"
"On the contrary, little one. I believe you've uncovered something long lost in these tales." Celestia could not help but smile at at the young filly. Perhaps it was time to form some new interpersonal relationships...
"Princess Celestia, did you only bring me here to talk about the Elements of Harmony?"
"Not quite dear Sunset, but it seems to be turning out that way. Perhaps a shift in topics is in order, however. Do you remember our conversation before Anonymous interrupted us?"
"You..." Sunset frowned. "We were talking about books. The knowledge they contained and what knowledge can be learned if it was shared. Did you want to share the knowledge of the Elements with me?"
"Ah, it seems you understand where I'm going with this after all."
"I don't know about this Princess Celestia, what could these stories possibly teach me about magic?"
"Before I say the f-word again, where are you going with this?"
"ANONYMOUS!"
Dear her, this little one was quite blunt, wasn't she? "Sunset Shimmer, Anonymous, how would you like to become research partners in studying the magic of the Elements of Harmony?"
"WHAT!" Luna would have appreciated the projection of those yells. Every voice in the room seemed to have been amplified by yelling together. Must have used their diaphragms. Oh the days of the Royal Canterlot Voice...
“Princess Celestia, I’ve already told you my own studies take priority-“
“Surely you don’t mean to make my daughter your pupil as well-“
"Princess, you taking on multiple pupils is unprecedented-"
“Is this because I blew up the school because it’s really just a silly little story-"
"ENOUGH!"
The entire room now appeared to be gaping at Celestia. Oh dear, her wings were out. How embarrassing. "Ahem. Now then, I believe this is going to be an unconventional situation for all of us. Sunset Shimmer, I believe you have much to teach Anonymous as she has to teach you. I know this for you have taught me much about myself since I first took you under my wing. Mister Nito, I do indeed intend to make your daughter my pupil as well as Miss Sunset. Hidden Potential, I believe a new precedent must be set under these circumstances." Not the least of which being those of my sister.
"And finally, for the last time dear Anonymous, you did not blow up the school intentionally. Rather, you spread a wonderful, lost magic I feared would long be gone from the lives of my little ponies. I believe there is much we can teach each other, if you are willing to learn alongside Sunset and I."
"Well, Anonymous? Do you wish to become one of my personal students?”
“Princess Celestia, Princess Celestia! Tabloid Tales of the Equestrian Confidential! Is it true that the explosion was due to a deceleration of war by a foreign power?”
“Princess Celestia, Bemused News of the Canterlot Chronicle! Is it true that the explosion originated from one of your students at your School for Gifted Unicorns?
“Princess Celestia, Flim Skim of the Flim-Flam Fable! Are there any plans to compensate the poor unicorns whose horns may have been negatively impacted by the recent explosion?”
“Princess Celestia!”
“Princess!”
“Your highness!”
Oh sweet her. Celestia was starting to suspect she should wait for a bit of the frenzy to die down before going public with the identity of her newest student. “My little ponies, a moment of your time please! Now, I am aware of the damage done to my School for Gifted Unicorns. Unfortunately, the fall semester will be pushed back a few days to accommodate repairs." There. That should allow Anonymous some time to get her affairs in order, as well a moment of peace.
"However, I have found that there was no intentional foul play at hoof. Merely an unforeseen consequence of an experimental new spell gone wrong. I can confirm that instead, this spell is intended to help unite and guide all ponies in peace and harmony. As we speak, I'm sure that there are those among you who have felt today's surge of magic transform deep within your hearts. Instead of the surge you all initially felt, you can now feel that magic transform into the very memories and emotions of those near and dear to your hearts."
"Got the music in our hearts, we're gonna blow this thing apart..."
Sunset Shimmer shook her head. Why was she imagining all these weird songs?
“So does this mean you’re adopting me or what?”
Oh, right. The foul-mouthed little interloper who blew up CSGU with her weird friendship song. The entrance exam had to be moved to a different wing of the school, with the faculty having to calm down all the panicked students. Princess Celestia had to return to Canterlot Castle to order to calm down the rest of the rattled citizens, but the father of the explosion maniac had to stay at the school to discuss admission for a newly appointed student of the Princess. For Anonymous, those new ‘personal student perks’ meant being teleported alongside Princess Celestia so that somepony familiar with the castle would give her a private tour. For Sunset, her newest student ‘perk’ meant that she was stuck foalsitting.
“Because I’m not sure what what our family trees would look like at this point. I guess dad would be cool with adopting you if you wanted to, but I don’t know what your family would say about it.”
Research partners her left flank, the little filly had already taken to heart those damned friendship lessons the Princess had been trying to drill into her head lately. Princess Celestia thought that little filly was capable of teaching her that nonsense. Princess Celestia looked so damned happy when the filly finally stopped swearing and accepted becoming another personal student. Princess Celestia looked at the little filly like she was being reunited with her long lost-
“Hey Shimmer-sis, what’s your family like anyhow?”
“ENOUGH!”
“Fuck, was that too mmf?!” Ahhh, the good old Sound of Silence spell. Already, the day was looking up again.
“Okay, you foul-mouthed little brat! We’re going to establish how this-“ Sunset waved her hoof around them both, “-is going to work out. The Princess may think your silly little stories are all that, but I’ve dedicated my life to the mastery of magic, real magic, and your little fluke won’t change my destiny!”
Anonymous attempted to reply, but no sound came out. She then blinked before raising an eyebrow at Sunset. Seriously filly? You can’t undo this spell yourself? With a sigh, Sunset undid her silencing spell on Anonymous.
“Your ‘destiny’?” Celestia above, what an annoying voice. Now to really shut it up.
“To become the best of the best, of course. To be known as the strongest, smartest Unicorn in history, surpassing even the current greatest Unicorn of all time, Star Swirl the Bearded!” Then I’ll be able to stand beside Celestia herself as her equal!
“Shouldn’t be too hard. Star Swirl was a total dumbass.”
What. “What?” Anonymous had enough shame to shut her mouth up after that, but it was far too late. “Explain. Now.”
“Well, Star Swirl’s knowledge of magic centuries ago would be limited compared to what we now know. I mean, it’s not like the guy invented teleportation, right?”
Hmm. Both points were true. A surprisingly competent thought process, for a filly anyways. “And really, how often do those spells get practiced nowadays? What you should really focus on is revolutionizing how magic itself works!” Wait, what? “Sure, there’s plenty of things you can do with what Star Swirl alone has got, but I bet even he had his unfinished spells, right?”
“I…suppose those aren’t inaccurate claims.” That was her own end goal, after all. Becoming somepony who would challenge the definition of magic itself to redefine what it meant to be a pony. “But one has to know all about magic before they can really change it. Is that why you blew up the school? You wanted to use those Harmony stories to change magic?”
A smug grin was her response. “Actually, it was a little fluke after all! I just didn’t want to fail the exam.”
“WHAT.”
“This school is supposed to be for magic, right? Then passing the exam meant making up a brand new spell. Otherwise, why would you bother going to the best magic school in all of Equestria?”
Hmm. Sunset could see the logic in that. She could even respect that, Celestia forbid. “I suppose you don’t lack ambition.”
“I do lack that, actually. My ‘destiny’ is to have fun magical adventures, that’s it.”
She was now officially taking back her respect. “Seriously? You’re telling me you just want to live out your dumb stories?”
“Even dumber. What do you think my Cutie Mark means?”
Aside from having nothing to do with this conversation? “I’m dying to know.” She wasn’t.
“It means reality can be whatever I want.” Okay, just what was up with this filly? Nothing about her was normal! “Just like your Cutie Mark means you want to be like Celestia.”
”WHAT?”
“I mean you both have sun Cutie Marks, meaning you clearly look up to her so much you feel threatened by me-“ she did NOT “-so now you want to set the record straight as Celestia’s favorite.”
“Y-you don’t know what you’re talking about! You are not a threat to my position!” She wasn’t!
“Right, I’m not. And I don’t want to be. I just came to this school to do my own thing, you know?” Not really, no. “That said, if you do want to work together, why the fuck not?”
“I don’t need to work together with anypony. I-“
“No one needs anything. Why the fuck not?”
“Quit swearing.”
“Not an argument. Why the fuck not?”
“I will recast the silencing spell permanently.”
“I will write you songs. Why the fuck not?”
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD I.”
"SUNSET SHIMMER!" Oh, horseapples.
"Princess Celestia!"
"Oh shit, you're fucked!"
"ANONYMOUS!"
Oh shit, I'm fucked. It's all fucked, six ways to Sunday and back. Ha, sun. I just wanted to do cool magic shit. Now I have to tolerate pre-reform Sunset until she runs off to become the cooler post-reform Sunset. I guess her spin-off is canon. Am I in it?
"I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN THE TWO OF YOU." Be glad this is story isn’t rated 18+ Princess, I guarantee some of the other anons would have tried to seduce you immediately. And also Sunset. At the same time. Is herding canon?
"I HAD EXPECTED BETTER FROM BOTH OF YOU. QUITE FRANKLY, I AM APPALLED BY HOW SWIFTLY THE POTENTIAL COOPERATION BETWEEN TWO PROMISING YOUNG MARES HAS DETERIORATED." Oh fuck, was this the Royal Canterlot Voice? Everyone in the castle was covering their ears. Fucking pony ears, ow. "CEASE THIS CRUDE LANGUAGE AT ONCE AND GO TO YOUR ROOMS, NOW."
I raised my hoof. No shitting myself involved, I swear. "YES ANONYMOUS."
"I don't have a room yet, Princess." Again, I absolutely did not shit myself, right there and then.
"THEN YOU MAY BE DISMISSED FOR THE DAY. YOUR FATHER IS HERE TO PICK YOU UP."
"ANON E. MOUS!" Never mind.
"Please be gentle."
UNBELIEVABLE. She was being sent to her room as if she were the foal! She, the sole student of Princess Celestia! Now she didn't even have that! That damned filly! She would show her! She'd show them all!
“Hey Shimmer-sis, what’s your family like anyhow?”
That...that wasn't...
...
The walk of shame was never a fun one. Especially when you just realized your fun little hallucination may actually be your new reality. Knowing the future was my only real advantage, and I’ve somehow immediately derailed it to the point where I have no real clue how this dumb fucking timeline is going to turn out anymore. That really sucks, because Friendship is Magic didn’t exactly have a timeline that could be changed for the better. Much. Hopefully I didn’t screw it over any harder than Starlight Glimmer did.
"You are very lucky you need to say your goodbyes, young filly. You would have been grounded from seeing your friends for a long while otherwise." I have friends?
Aw fuck, I jinxed it. Feel free to guess who my two best friends are, and which ‘village’ we apparently grew up in.
"Anon! Are you and Mister Nito alright?" Well, the voice was younger than I was expecting. But the familiar looking orange unicorn colt and his more familiar looking mother walked up to us. Dear Princess Celestia, why?
"Hey Sunburst, Miss Flare." We are definitely skipping a couple of chapters. Didn't I just now get isakei'd to Equestira? Why the fuck am I already friends with main and/or side characters? Was anonfilly now driving my car on Earth? No wonder I crashed.
"My goodness Mister Nito, Miss Anonymous, did you feel that fearsome explosion? And the faculty are saying it's nothing to fear, my word! Why, I have half a mind to pull my little Sunburst here out of a school like that! They clearly aren’t as impressive as everypony says if they can’t have a decent plan for some madpony blowing up their academy!"
"Actually, that explosion was me, Miss Flare. I blew myself up. Dad, tell them I'm not lying.” At this point, I wish I was.
"It's true Miss Flare, Princess Celestia herself came by and told us it was nothing to fear."
Aw hell, didn't we end the gaping last chapter? This reaction was already old. Thankfully the sun milf got over it.
"I...do not have a plan for this. You spoke with the Princess Celestia?"
Dad (maybe?) scowled. "Anonymous got into a swearing match with the Princess' personal student right in front of her. Anon, who at Sire's Hollow did you even overhear saying those words?"
Mercifully, Sunburst the Wizard was finally starting to process the conversation. "Anon, you met Princess Celestia!" And I'm totally using you to avoid the interrogation, Sunny. It was the town baker who said fuck in front of three little foals by the way. I recall them all being said by accident, but the man wasn’t exactly quiet.
"Yeah Sunny B, I'm getting tutored by both her and Sunset Shimmer directly."
More gaping. Yeah I get it guys, I hit the fanfiction escape fantasy jackpot. Then out of fucking nowhere, young little Sunburst fucking jumped and neighed and galloped around. Like a little horse. Get it?
"Wow Anon, this is amazing! You're going to learn so much under Princess Celestia! Like Clover the Clever's Compendium of Clever Communication! Or Mage Meadowbrooks' Eight Enchanted items! Or-"
Wow, this guy is a huge fucking magic nerd. Celestia's School is going to be breeze between me, him, and-
-aw shit. I should have probably remembered this sooner. Sorry Glimglam.
"Hey Sunburst, since we're both staying in Sire's Hollow a little longer, how's about we tell our best friend Starlight the good news?"
"Oh right! She's feeling awfully sick though, remember? She got so sick, she started crying." Yeah, I remember damn well why she was crying. Time to go stop a cult.
(You) Take a Trip Down Memory Lane, Then Get Stuck on the Corner of Aw and Crap
Sire's Hollow was not a particularly large town. It was not a new one either. Just over a couple hundred years old, the villagers hadn't needed many buildings to get started. As far as looks went, the town's sole schoolhouse blended in with every other building. It’s curved, red-tiled roof capped off many a faded yellow brick. Compared to how many students it would actually need to house, however, the town founders will willing to make the schoolhouse a bit bigger than it would actually need to be. None of the original settlers wanted their descendants to have to worry about the need to expand their education in the distant future. The historians and farmers had agreed that this would help the village keep it's humble roots in the future. Even in the modern era, those descendants would still only have a small hooffull of students ready to begin their first ever day of school, with the school’s bell signaling the first ever ringing of yet another new school year.
For one filly, that one day would also be the beginning of her own story.
She was lean, green, and mean. Anonymous, daughter of Incog Nito, trotted proudly into the building! Her daddy had recently gifted her with an awesome new book! The Elements of Harmony! It had awesome stories about The Mare in the Moon and the First Hearth's Warming and Puddinghead's Pudding Parade and-
Well, the pudding wasn't the point. The point was the Elements of Harmony were super cool, and she needed more of that coolness.
First, she needed a friend! Lots of cool friends! Then they could go on adventures about Honesty and Kindness and Generosity and Laughter and Loyalty and! And, uh, Spark! Yeah, lots of sparks! They'd make magic sparks and have magic fun! Lots of fun! Friends liked fun, right? And books were probably fun, if they were all about things like the Elements of Harmony! And-
BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING
-and she was late! Oh no!
With only a little bit of panic (though the filly in question was already quite little, meaning that proportionally speaking, said filly was actually full of a LOT of panic) young Anonymous rushed up the stone steps, and into the schoolhouse.
Or at least, she would have, if a rather rude and hard shove hadn't thrown her to the ground the second she tried to climb up those stone steps. Just what the hay bumped into her?
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to run into you!” Wait, that sounded like a colt! Did she have cooties now?
“H-Here, let me pull you up.” Oh, that was nice of him. Then again, she had the weird feeling she was forgetting something important about this colt…
Cooties! Of course, colts like him had cooties! Then again, she probably already caught them by now. Oh well, can't get more cooties if you already have them, right? Grabbing the colt’s hoof, Anonymous pulled herself up.
“It’s fine. Just who the hay are you?” The colt was a little taller than her, but he somehow managed to have a mane that was wilder than hers. Said mane was darker than his lighter orange coat, which was covered in the occasional white patch.
The colt was also a unicorn, like her, and was using his magic to levitate a giant book, just like she was doing with her giant book! Hers was bigger though. Just saying.
The colt blinked shyly. “Oh, I’m uh, Sunburst. Who are you?”
The filly grinned. “My identity is…” Sunburst began to lean forward in interest.
“…Anonymous.”
A huff, and a puff, and then a frown came out of Sunburst. “Fine, don’t say anything.”
A bunch of giggles came out of Anonymous. “That was a joke, Sunny! My name is Anonymous.”
“Oh. That wasn’t a funny joke.”
Now Anonymous was the one frowning. She totally had her comedy routine down! This colt just didn’t appreciate it. “It’s more funnier than whatever you’re reading.”
More huffing from the Unicorn colt, now with a hoof stomp for emphasis. “More funnier isn’t even proper grammar, and what I’m reading isn’t supposed to be funny!”
Now the Unicorn filly had begun to huff as well. “Then what the heck are you reading? It sounds boring.”
“Boring? There’s nothing boring about Quartz Diamond’s A History of Rockology!”
“Don't you mean Geology?”
“No actually, the difference is-“
“Boring!”
“I, puh, what?!”
“Boring!”
“Look, Rockology is an ancient and noble art of the Earth Ponies, dating back ages before even Celestia herself!”
“If you want to farm some ancient and noble rocks, then ba-bam!”
"Oh! The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide!"
"Yup! What do you think? Jealous?"
"But those stories aren't funny either."
"Oh come on! There's plenty of Laughter in these! It's a whole Element and everything!"
"It's fascinating sure, but those stories aren't real facts."
"Have you ever taken a good, long look at the moon? And I mean, really take a good look at it? Don't you ever feel like there's something more to it than meets the eye?"
"Anonymous, that 'unicorn pattern' everypony sees on the moon is just a foal-friendly explanation for all the maria on it."
"The mare-ia?"
"No, mare is singular. Maria is the plural."
"Nice pun."
"That wasn't a pun! Maria is what astronomers call the lowered elevation of the moon's surface. The moon isn't flat, it's full of large empty basins that once held a lot of water!"
"Cause Nightmare Moon drank it all! Even princesses need water!"
"Anonymous!"
"Dang it, Sunburst!"
Anonymous?
"What's the matter? Got nothing left to say?”
Hey, Anonymous!
Huh?
I blinked. These phantom memories or whatever the damn term were starting to piss me off. I looked around for Sunburst, and sure enough, instead of standing around at Sire's Hollow, we were standing around at Canterlot's train station.
More accurately, we were standing around the mess of a crowd in Canterlot's train station.
Seriously, ponies don't see crowds in this kind of frenzy outside of lunatic filled towns like Ponyville. But fancy-ass nobles and brain-dead tourists clashed with minimum wage workers in a mess that would have made Discord proud.
Shit, what about Discord? The whole town had to be reassured by Celestia the terrorists didn't win!
...eh, I used Harmony. His statue should be fine. Right?
"I'll have you common folk know I was scheduled to take a sabbatical in Manehattan. Instead, I have to deal with this headache on top of my actual headache!”
“Our sincerest apologies sir, but it’s standard procedure to revise the revise the structural integrity of our trains in the event of a magical incident. Everypony on staff’s still trying to deal with our magic being temporarily unbalanced as well.”
“Ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous! How can one possibly turn off their magic?”
“That’s not what I meant, sir.”
As the two continued their public shouting match, the crowd around was being even louder than anyone else. The reason wasn’t anger, however.
♫“March through the town we proudly trot~”♫
♫“Those around us within our hearts and thoughts~”♫
A musical. My nonsense got everyone to do one of Daniel Ingram’s classic song and dance routines. It wasn’t all the same song either, on the walk here from the Royal Castle we must have passed at least a dozen different renditions of ‘I Secretly Love You Princess Celestia!’ So not too different from walking around your typical brony convention.
“Are you alright Anon?” Oh yeah, Sunburst was still here. Wow, was it weird to see a little pony colt being so expressive. Especially when those eyes were filled with concern. For me.
"I'm fine, just remembering old stuff."
"Tesla Coil discovering how to use magic as a power source for more advanced technologies in 457 A.C?"
"Air Conditioning?"
"After Celestia."
"Eh, not that old. Just how we met."
"Well, I certainly remember those days, you mischievous little filly." Oh hey, our parents were walking up to us now. What a sentence when referring to ponies. I remember that Sunny Flare had plenty of sentences to say me back when I first became friends with her son.
"You managed to get my little Sunburst late for his first day of school, then tried to magic duel over it. You're lucky Firelight and his daughter were able to intervene." Thanks Obama. Er, I mean Starlight.
"Yeah, yeah Miss Flare.” I replied. “Any luck on us going home yet?" Then Incog spoke up next.
"Not happening for a few hours, you two. Everything's been delayed while the train's crew get their work sorted out."
"So that's my fault too. Great." Golly, it sure was fun seeing the results of your domestic terrorism pay off. Not. Before I could be further swayed into becoming Cozy Glow 2: the Sequel, I got picked up by my daddy. The cons of being tiny again.
"Now now, you haven't done much harm here, Anonymous. Celestia herself said this was a blessing, and that's what today is. Tell you what, while we wait for the trains to reactivate, let's celebrate both of you tykes passing your entrance exams with your favorite food!" Bacon and eggs?
Oh. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
Restaurant Row, a place I actually remembered from the show somewhat. Rarity and Pinkie Pie had been told by Harmony to go recreate the British version of Kitchen Nightmares. Don't start a business with your family, kids! I couldn't recognize The Tasty Treat, however, so I just let my old man lead our group into one of the endless restaurants on these long ass streets. The restaurants menu, however, was exactly what you'd expect from a horse based diet. Plants and hay everywhere. Apparently, daffodil sandwiches and hay bacon were my new favorite foods in this world, but the thought of eating flowers was too goddamn unappetizing when I'd had not-hay bacon for breakfast at the start of this long ass day. Instead, I settled for a bowl of lettuce. Sorry, I meant I asked for a salad.
The restaurant only had daffodil salads. That's what you get for eating at The Delicious Daffodils. Great lemonade, though.
I tried to grab my salad fork, but sure enough my butterfingers (or total lack of) were in full effect and failed to keep the fork attached.
So I tried again. And again. And again. You really need a description for this?
“Come now Miss Anonymous, stop joking around!” Oh yeah Miss Flare, I’m having a ball here. Two of them. Oh whoops, I don’t have those anymore. Wait.
“Oh.” Way to blend in dumbass.
Okay, levitation magic. According to my ‘memories’, Sunburst already explained this shit to me. Thoroughly. Apparently, since levitation magic was literally baby's first spell, I just had to think about the object I wanted to levitate, then will it. As easy as actual psychokinesis. Except I didn’t know what actual psychokinesis was like, and I already tried to do the spell exactly like that when I first got here. Total dud. Then again, I now remembered what it was like to successfully cast that spell. If I could just focus on that specific memory, and recreate how I felt back then…
My horn shimmered, and the fork shimmied. Anonymous, you’re in. Holy shit, I’m in Equestria! I’m in it’s best magic school, with actual magic! That I can really fucking do!
“I’m in. I made it, I’M IN!” Fuck yeah! I was so excited my magic shot up, and the fork with it. Oops. It had to fall down sometime, right? Right there, off in the distance, where you can’t see it anymore.
“WAAAAAAA!”
“Whoops.”
“MY MANE! FIRST MY MIND AND NOW MY GLORIOUS, LUSCIOUS, BLONDE MANE!”
“Don’t worry about him kiddo, just enjoy your meal like everypony else.” You mean everyone. Fuck. I couldn't drown my sorrows in alcohol anymore (at least not without a lot of stealth and effort) but at least I still had a little slice of Earth with me. Specifically, a wedge of it. Get it, cause of the lemon wedge? On a glass of lemonade? Whatever.
This time I gently magic’d the glass to me, and brought the straw to my mouth. It’s surprising how much that felt like using hands, but maybe that was just years of reading fanfics featuring ‘finger motor control is superior to literal, powerful, and refined telekinesis’ doing the talking. Fuck yeah, that’s good lemonade. If I couldn’t get drunk off of alcohol at the moment, I should try to get drunk off of lemonade!
“Yo Sunburst! Bet I’ll finish my lemonade before you!”
“Good luck Anon, you’ll need it when I finish first!” Ha.
"Get juiced, Sunny!"
"Suck my lemons, Anon!"
I laughed my ass off so hard, I spilled my drink and had to forfeit the competition. Sunburst was sucking his lemonade('s straw) and then some. Ha. Lemonade was a favorite of mine on Earth, and apparently also on Equestria. Another thing I had in common with this new life, and though there were differences, there weren't many of those compared to all of the similarities.
The things that Anonfilly did in her memories even felt like the sorts of things I myself would have done. So why drop me off in the middle of a magic school test instead of having me come out of my new mom's vagina at Sire's Hollow? Actually that may have been an upside and/or gay. Also I didn't have a mom in this world, what the hell.
What did our similarities and differences mean for Anonfilly's existence as her own person, and what did it mean for mine?
When we finally got a train ride back to Sire’s Hollow, it was clear that even though Sunburst won the battle, he and Stellar Flare weren't winning the war. Instead of sitting down with us, they were going around, cabin-to-cabin, looking for the train’s restroom. You’d think Miss Flare would have a plan for that, but nah.
"Anon, I noticed you didn't you eat your daffodils. You've been a lost in thought a lot more than usual, too. What's on your mind?" Oh yeah, another goddamn wrench in the question that was my new existence. The man who was somehow both my dad as well as Anonfilly's.
"Sorry Dad. I'm just uh, thinking about today again. And tomorrow." And all of Equestria after that, apparently.
"All of Equestria?" Oh hell, I need to learn to shut up, fast. "Anonymous, you don't have to worry about the future just yet." Yeah, about that future, 'Dad.' "You may be taking a big step in your life, but you don't have to stress yourself into a bundle of nerves over it." I'm trying to have a moment of teen angst here, Dad. Hell if I even know why at this point. "Just take it one day at a time. Don't fret over what other ponies think just because of something you can't control for certain." For listening to the wise old man's sage advice, I received a head pat. And then the old coot ruffled my hair. Er, mane. The hoof felt...kind of soft, actually. Way softer than my own hooves would have implied.
One day at a time, eh? What did I know for certain? Well, let's start with how the story should have begun. Looking out the train window, I could see the namesake of Celestia's current student taking place. On planet Earth, it would have been a nice, slow process. The sun would decide to take a break from it's day job and lie on the horizon as if it were a bed. Said sun would then have it's yellow light flutter away towards the white, elegant clouds that were it's neighbors. Those clouds would then puff up as they became as pink as a sweet, scrumptious pie. The sky's blue would dash away to an honest, humble orange. Or was it the clouds that became orange, and the sky that turned pink? For all I know it could have been both, I already wasn't sure anymore. Equestria's sunset was happening way too fast for me to really compare and contrast it with Earth's. Before I knew it, precious day gave way to eternal night.
Then the stars arrived. One by one, the bright lights of the night began to move into their homes in the sky. I rarely got to see the full beauty of Earth's stars thanks to light pollution, but the Equestrian stars were even more beautiful than I remembered Earth's ever being. I swear the Equus stars twinkled far more often. The more those stars danced, the more the moon began to rise. But no matter how invisible the stars were back home, Earth's moon shined brighter than Earth’s sun ever did in the daytime.
So I looked directly at the sun without sunglasses a lot. Sue me.
Back at...I guess my first home now, you could make out the occasional patches of grey, were it a full moon. The patches were usually a random pattern, but here on Equestria? The moon still shined, but the spots on it held far more darkness to them. The patches were pitch black, and formed a very familiar alicorn pattern.
Luna. The twilight would always follow the night. To redeem and eventually succeed her as a, nay, the Princess of Equestria. All the other Elements of Harmony were your typical, generic gems when Luna and Celestia wielded them against Discord. The only one that had a unique design was the Element of Magic, which shared it's design with the Tree of Harmony that grew it.
Twilight Goddamn Sparkle, the spark (ha) that would ignite the warm fuzzy feels of friendship and redemption in the hearts of even the bitchiest of supervillains. Unless you were a pony hater in the YouTube comments section, in which case you probably wouldn't have had much of anything to begin with.
Anyways, Twilicorn McSparklybutt was predestined by Harmony itself to become a billion dollar toy mascot. Merchandise, spinoffs, and, from what little of Generation 5 existed before I bailed on real life, nostalgia bait for the little kids who grew up on Gen 4. I promised that damn Tree I wouldn't mess around with it's chosen one's destiny, because there were plenty of Bronies out there that would be more than happy to prevent Twilicorn's ascension. I just wanted to make sure the Tree wouldn't juice me to death via hentai tentacles or whatever that episode was about.
And then I literally blew up destiny.Whoops?
The million dollar question: I broke my promise immediately, and now I had to unbreak it somehow. Twilight was supposed to be the faithful student that succeeded Sunset Shimmer when she fucked off to no-hooves-land, not me. Then there was also the obvious question of should I let Sunset hate Celestia and run off to become a raging she-demon? I mean, I already changed Sunburst and Starlight's lives just by being here. And I haven't even 'met' Starlight in person yet. It'd be a dick move not to try to do the same for my horse waifu in real life. Again, other bronies would try to put the moves on her right now, but I'm not into horses. Yet. I wasn't looking forward to dealing with horse puberty, but maybe there were magical ways of dealing with that. Worked for Starlight!
Man, I hope not a single soul in this world ever tried to put the moves on me in the future. That was a subject I'd dedicate the rest of my new life to not thinking very hard about. Not like I already had plenty of other shit I'd be distracted with in the future. At least I could just bring Twilight into the fold when the Sonic Rainboom gets Celestia to notice her. That was the easy part. The hard part was figuring out how to bail afterwards. Run away with Sunset? I wanted to get some stuff from the Mirror World at some point, but leaving Equestria for so long wasn’t appealing.
Fucking Tree. Starlight better be as easy to deal with as Twilight, because I don’t want to grow up in a bad end of Equestria.
The bookstore of Sire's Hollow was old, but Daddy said it was also a labor of love, just like the rest of Sire's Hollow. Like most small towns, there was only one really big bookstore for the whole village. At least she thought it was big, on account of the sheer amount of books it had. Daddy always said that these books were important due to the history each one contained.
Starlight Glimmer would rather read books about magic. Not that there was anything wrong with history! But most of it was so boooooooooooooring. Some moments were cool, like when ancient mages made up cool new spells that changed how ponies studied magic forever! Learning about those mages were her favorite history lessons, because those mages knew a lot about magic, and she learned what they knew about magic too!
“Okay sugarplum! Let’s stay close to Daddy this time, all right?” Sigh.
“Okay Daddy, I won’t wonder off. Again.”
As usual, she trotted inside the old bookstore store alongside her Daddy. As usual, they were off to the antiquities section. As usual, it was big and dark and all the way on the opposite end of the store.
“Now, as you already know, our town’s founders were simple farmers who left in search of a new location to move to and settle down in, because blah blah blah…” she already knew why, they were struggling to grow crops in their lands so they needed new land to farm and they ate rocks for some reason. It was interesting to hear, the first time, but after a few dozen repeats, it had gotten easier and easier to just tune out Daddy’s words.
That’s when she suddenly overheard…laughter? Sure enough, she turned to her right, and found a couple of foals that looked her age, hidden behind a barrel. Why did a bookstore have barrels again?
She could see that both foals there had Unicorn horns, just like she did. In Sire’s Hollow, you either had a horn or didn’t. Pegasi didn’t normally live out here, not when both Las Pegasus and Cloudsdale were just a couple hours away by flight.
"Aw yeah, we're going to learn so many cool spells in here Sunny!” Huh, the green one sounded like a filly. “Too bad the library had to close because of Mister Baker's weird rock bread." Rock bread?!
"Anon, the Limestone Loaf was created by our town’s founders in 779 A.C!” The orange one-Sunny, apparently-sounded like a colt. “They mined ancient grains and minerals from the nearby Smokey Mountains while the town's first crops grew!” Hopping hayseed, why was anypony eating rocks?
"Still weird.” THANK YOU! “My teeth still hurt from trying to eat it." WHY!
"Yeah, it tasted kinda weird.” Not the colt, too! “Hey! Since your teeth hurt so badly, I guess it’s safer to just call off the magic duel until they stop hurting?” Wait, what? A magic duel? Ponies stopped doing those forever ago!
“My teeth! Good idea Sunny!"
“Phew.” Sunny wiped some sweat off his forehead. He seemed really nervous for some reason.
“We should learn spells dentists use to fix my teeth!” The filly-Anon, apparently-on the other hoof, seemed to be kind of crazy. But learning a spell that fixed your teeth could be useful, the dentist was scary…
"Anon no, we might cause something else to grow big by accident!" A spell that grows things big? And they had done it before?
"Come on Sunny, who else is going to know?"
She would. And even if they were being weird and kinda naughty about it, these foals were doing magic! She wanted to learn to finally do magic, too!
Starlight took a quick look back at her Daddy. He was on top of a ladder in the private reading section, levitating a bunch of books around him. That would take him a while…
Alrighty then! Starlight used her super sneakiness to sneak out of the antiquities section and towards the barrel. This was going to be amazing! She was going to learn some new spells! Maybe those two would want to be her friend? Maybe not, because by the time Starlight got to the barrel, the two foals were already gone! Had she gone to the wrong barrel?
“One copy of Dancing Crane’s History of Heartsongs. That’ll be twenty bits, please.” It’s over! Her new magic lessons! Her new friends! She was going to be stuck eating rocks forever!
“Are you really going to charge two little foals so much?” Wait, that sounded like the filly!
Running to the front counter, she saw them! Both foals were buying a book, but they weren’t doing a very good job of it if the filly had to give the shopkeeper, Miss Paper Trail, puppy eyes.
One of the only Pegasi in Sire’s Hollow, Paper Trail was the elderly owner of The Story’s Journey. While her head was pointed towards Anon, Starlight swore she saw the shopkeeper wink right at her instead. “All prices and sales are final miss.”
“Come on Anon, we don’t have enough bits. Let’s just go grab another book.”
The green filly flopped to the floor. “It’s only five bits! Our duel was going to be legendary! They’d write stories and songs about it!” Wait, she had five bits! Daddy gave have her a big allowance for books! This was perfect!
“Excuse me, Miss Trail!” Everypony turned to her. Looking at her. Seeing that she’d screw up again-
No, no, no, not now, she was so close! She turned to the shopkeeper, levitating over her bits. “I uh, would like to pay the five bits. Ma’am. Please.”
This time, Paper Trail didn’t so much as blink. “Friends of yours, Starlight?”
“U-uh…” Say yes, say yes!
“Totally.” One blink later, and Starlight Glimmer could see that the filly had already trotted next to her. “I’m Anonymous, and that’s Sunburst.” The colt had walked over to her, staring at her.
“Hi, Starlight, right? Do you come here often? Do you like books too?” Oh snap, he was talking to her!
“Uhhhhhhh…” Say something, anything!
Thankfully, Miss Trail answered for her. “Miss Starlight here is a regular who enjoys our fine books about mages and sorcerers throughout history. The same kinds of books you two were asking about earlier.”
Both Sunburst and Anonymous started hopping around, excited smiles on their faces.
"Really?" Sunburst asked. "What did you think about Jux Position's Theory of Spatial Awareness? When he first proposed the theory in 257 B.C, they laughed him out of the Academy of the Mystic Arts-"
"Have you ever heard of the Elements of Harmony?" Anonymous interrupted. "Which one do you think is the coolest? I think that-"
"-so he journeyed north into what we now call Rainbow Falls-"
"-since the sixth one's a mystery, it's gotta be-"
"-and became the first to discover it's unusual properties-"
"-something that ties the other five together, something that's like all of them-"
"-the water and light naturally produced liquid rainbows-"
"-at once, but what kind of Element can be Honesty, Kindness, Generosity-"
"-and thought that magic could be sent through light like that too, so using his theory-"
"-Laughter, and Loyalty at the same-"
"-he proved that ponies could move like a rainbow's light in no-"
"-TIME!"
"GYAH!" Starlight leaped at the unexpected duet the two foals had shouted at her. What the heck had they even been saying?
Paper Trail walked over to Starlight, chuckling, an action that got everypony's attention. "Alright little jays, settle down now, settle down."
Anonymous blinked. "Little jays?"
That had gotten an extra chuckle out of Miss Trail. "Just an old Pegasus saying. You two are as energetic as they are! I think you two should ease up on the questions with young Starlight. She's a bit new to them, but is more than willing and able to answer them, with time."
The duo nodded. "Yes, Miss Trail."
Sunburst was the one who apologized first. "Sorry Starlight, we got a bit too excited about magic."
Surprisingly, she could only giggle at what had happened. "It's okay. I get excited about magic, too."
Anonymous apologized next. "Sorry Starlight. Wanna be friends?"
Starlight smiled. She'd like that very much.
Starlight opened her eyes. Confused, she took a moment to blink before looking around. She was not in the town bookstore, but laying in the bed of her room. There was moonlight that had been reaching her through the window curtains, as her namesake performed itself to brighten up the dark sky. That's when she recalled what day it really was. The day she had been dreaming about had happened just a couple of years ago, but somehow felt both like it either happened yesterday, or an entire lifetime ago.
She had been dreaming about the day she first met her best, and only friends. Yesterday was the day both of those friends left her behind forever. To Canterlot.
It only made sense. After all, Sunburst was an absolute genius who could knew just about any kind of spell or theory anypony could think of. He was always eager to share that knowledge, going out of his way to teach her just about anything as soon as he read about it. Hayseed, he always went out of his way to be kind to her in general. Whenever she was feeling impatient, Sunburst was there to walk with her through whatever situation they'd gotten into. He had the patience of a saint, and the virtues of one too.
Then there was Anonymous. She always had that wild look in her eyes that said she wouldn't be stopped. Whereas Sunburst had been cautious and careful, Anonymous threw herself to the wind, always encouraging her to 'feel the magic of their friendship', though she never really explained what that meant. She always turned to those silly old stories about 'the Elements of Harmony' and encouraged them all to follow those stories as the example of what kind of magic they should practice. Whereas she herself already knew too much about history, Anonymous was eager to study old legends and myths long thought to be lost to time, and try to bring them to life with her magical talents.
Unlike Starlight, Anonymous had already had her cutie mark. That should have been her first warning that Anonymous was outside of her league.
Anonymous never really gave a clear answer on how she'd gotten her cutie mark, or even what it meant. The answer she did give Starlight was always the same: that she simply already had it for as long as she could remember. Sunburst said it wasn't uncommon for some ponies to not really understand what their own cutie mark meant, but for once, one of Sunburst's explanations didn't really make any sense to her. Then again, if it did, she wouldn't be a blank flank, would she?
A cutie mark was meant to show who was just some uncertain little kid, whereas adults all had their cutie marks and lived their lives according to what those marks meant. A young pony receiving their mark was considered 'mature' and 'responsible.' Please. Anonymous had been anything but. Maybe she was supposed to be like that? She did like solving mysteries, so it made sense that she'd get something like that for a cutie mark. With somepony as smart as Sunburst around, there wasn't anything those two couldn't do together.
There wasn't anything Starlight could do for them. They didn't need her. No wonder they ran off to Canterlot without her...
Starlight Glimmer went laid her head back down onto her bed, her eyes too wet to look at stars glimmering outside.
Surprisingly, sleeping as a quadruped didn't feel wrong. All I needed was a bed to lay on my sides, and let myself conk out. Not much different from how I normally slept to begin with. Maybe I was just too tired to protest, considering I was half-asleep on the late train back to Sire's Hollow. Papa Nito actually had to carry me out of the train, and I didn't protest this choice. Hey, it's been an eventful day, and I needed to play along with my new life for now. No need to act out of the ordinary when I was going to be moving out in a few days.
Anyhow, that somehow brought me to the early morning hours, just as the twilight sky took a bow and introduced the sunrise for it to take stage. A bit earlier than expected given how deeply I thought I slept, but at this point my mind was going crazy with thoughts about the past, present, and future all over again. Shaking my head, I reluctantly attempted pulled myself out of bed. More importantly, I attempted to pull the comfy bed sheet off of the bed with me, keeping it wrapped around me as I plopped out of the bed.
THUNK
Fuck this body, fuck this body, fuck this body. I was starting to get really, really pissed about suddenly living the whole 'Human in Equestria' shtick.
Discord, you will regret this. Or whatever other magical bullshit is running the show here.
I sighed. Learn how to do magic bullshit first, then go around swearing vengeance upon unknown godlike entities. At least I was a Unicorn instead of the other tribes. I could probably try to push the boundaries of weather magic if I came to Equestria as a Pegasus, but I could do that as a Unicorn anyways. If I were born as an Earth Pony, then I'd just have to get really, really fit. Aside from those, I had no idea what the heck my game plan was going to be if I dropped in as one of the various other magical creatures or critters of this world, or even as my original human self.
Well, best not to dwell on that too hard. Or perhaps I should be? Now there's an idea there...
Picking myself up, I levitated the Nightmare Night themed bed sheets off of the floor. Anonfilly had a rocking man cave going on here, as far as little girl rooms went anyways. Lucky bastard had a big soft bed just for her, probably somewhere between twin-sized and queen-sized if I had to guess. Papa Nito must have wanted a bed that would still fit comfortably as his little filly grew into an older mare.
Oh fuck, I was going to be a fucking mare. Take a shot every time I say the word fuck. I'll get you started. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Putting aside my procrastination driven thought process regarding the future with my patented 'Don't' approach, I walked on over to the window. I shoved aside light blue curtains, looking eerily similar to the color of a Windigo of all things, to look at the early morning hours outside. Like the sunset, the sunrise was happening noticeably faster than the one on Earth. A quick glance back inside towards the room’s clock (themed after, of all things, a four-leaf clover) showed that it was barely six in the morning. Looks like I had a couple hours to kill and hide the bodies of before breakfast.
Closing the curtains, I looked over at the filly’s desk. More importantly, I looked over at the huge bookshelf next to it. Guess growing up with a couple of fellow eggheads would do that to you. I pulled out a familiar sounding book titled Legends of Old Equestria. Flipping through the book, I eventually found the story I was looking for: The Legend of Mistmane, conveniently bookmarked so that I wouldn’t have to flip through it like I already did. Whoops.
For my own sake, I reread the story for a quick refresher. Much like the show, the story was about the wise sorceress Mistmane confronting her friend-turned-dictator Sable Spirit, with an important moral about how true beauty is within, and how you shouldn't enslave your friends and family or else you'll look really, really old.
Honestly, who cares what the moral of the story was? The important bit here was that in the story, Sable Spirit attacked Mistmane with some kind of energy dragon, and Misty responded in kind. Both the show and the story said that Mistmane’s dragon fought off against Sable’s in a rather one sided fight. The story claimed that Misty was calm and in full control of her actions in the battle, whereas Sable was frustratingly forcing her magic to bend to her will in retaliation.
Interestingly, what the story didn’t describe was just how those dragons came to be. In the show Sable got mad, and her dragon reflected that as she pulled a Starlight and did magic out of nothing but sheer, unadulterated rage. Again, Mistmane was calm, and she used that calm, not to create a dragon out of her own magic, but to summon one from underneath her. When the two dragons clashed, Sable’s burned with fire, whereas Misty’s splashed with some kind of...energy water?
The show ended the battle by having the water dragon going into a potted plant to enhance and weaponize the plant into magical vines, but the story simply says the dragon subdued Sable so that Misty can trap her with vines. Assuming the show was accurate, the story claimed it was all multiple separate spells instead of a versatile singular spell. Interesting choice of detail to leave out of your ancient legends. It was inevitable, really, since as history marched on, you’d lose all sorts of facts to the sands of time. The crappy current state of Mistmane’s abandoned village was proof of that. So much for Sable promising a fair rule. Was this simply a facet of magic gone missing since the Pillars went into limbo, or did someone want that little nugget of magic trivia off of the history books? After all, Sable only took over after Mistmane ran off to go study at some important magical academy. That academy’s knowledge had to have been preserved somewhere by someone.
Probably somewhere restricted most ponies wouldn’t really have any access to. Or even just forget existed.
Keeping in mind a couple of locations to go pretend are unrestricted for later, I pulled out some notes Anonfilly had stuffed into the book. Apparently, she was having trouble trying to visualize the dragon so she could make the form for the dragon. Good for her, but using magic to throw around energy beings willy-nilly would take more effort and power than most little fillies could throw around at the moment. But if I pulled a Mistmane and used energy from nature instead of my own...
I was going to need some spells for calling upon the plant’s life energy, not its water. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure playing around with that sort of thing was frowned upon in most modern-era circles. Just one more reason someone would have intentionally expunged that information from the history books, I suppose.
I’d have to run around experimenting with plants and various nature-themed spells. Sunburst would probably know about that already, we could collaborate once we started going to CSGU. In the meantime, I might as well see Anonfilly’s methods for myself.
Equestria as we know it was shaped by magic, and all magic was an extension of one’s self. Telekinesis was the most literal way for unicorns to express that. According to Sunburst, that’s why it's the one spell all Unicorns are capable of, no matter their actual magical capabilities. It was ingrained in the instincts of all Unicorns to use your magic, use your very being as a magical creature, to simply reach out and pull. If I could somehow take the spell's aura blob and form it into different shapes, that aura grip should give me a solid base to mold into my giant magic dragon rather than just conjuring it out of nothing. Probably, maybe. As far as I'm aware that should all be the same principal. Too bad I couldn't remember jackshit concerning the principles of magic at this point.
Wait, if donkeys were as self-aware as ponies in Equestria, would words like jackshit and jackass basically be this world's n-word? Oh whatever, I'll just Green Lantern this jackshit and power on through like a jackass. I've got the color down already, at least. I took a spare quill out of my desk by levitated it in front of me. I stared at the green aura that was now around the quill. It was vaguely shaped like the quill itself, being noticeably blobby around the feathery part of the feather, but significantly thinner around the pointy end.
Vane and hollow shaft, respectfully, supplied a memory of Sunburst reciting his many fun facts. Thanks Sunny, I'll help you with your 'can't do magic' complex later, promise. Got a lot to juggle on this plate as is.
So from this feather, I could see that the levitation aura automatically wraps itself as tightly as it could to grip the object in question. Made sense, since you needed to handle that shaft with a nice, firm grip. Though there's nothing 'hollow' about it when you get it in there nice and tight-
I'm just fucking with you, please don't do that with a feather.
Like I was saying, the aura changed with the object, so it had to be flexible to change. Yet you needed a firm grip for the spell to work without dropping the object in question, and that probably made it easier to visualize and focus somehow. My best bet was to start small and expand the tiny end of the aura to be the same size as the big end so that the whole thing stood long and erect-
Look, you try waking up without a case of morning wood, alright? This shit just slips out when your too tired to have a filter.
Okay Anon, focus. I just need to...loose my grip? That probably sounded reasonable. Focusing the aura, I tried to force just that area to expand. Just even out the spread of the aura, like a when spreading jam on toast with a knife. I should ask Papa Nito for a PB&J for breakfast...
Ok aura, focus. Focus. You are a part of me, so expand, damn it. I stood there for a few minutes, sweating like Rainbow Dash after a good flight session. No matter how hard I focused, the damn feather aura wouldn't change.
You can blow up the nation's capitol by accident, but can't grab a feather the way you want to? Focus!
Sure enough, I started to notice the aura shake. Hell yeah, shake your tail baby! Come on aura, expand! Expand! Willing the damn thing to shake more, I got my wish.
Too bad things already had a habit of going south whenever my wishes get granted.
The aura immediately expanded, rapidly. It grew way past the size of the feather it held, smacking me in the face faster than my face smacked the floor.
"FU-MFF!"
Ugh. Fuck this, I should just run over to Starlight's and end as much of this shit show as I can now. Flailing around to pick myself up, I tripped over my own not-feet and fell to the ground again. Wonderful. Second time was the charm, so I stood up and ran on over to the kitchen to steal some random fruit for my breakfast. I could share some with Starlight, right? She'd appreciate that.
I shoulder tackled myself out the door, and jumbled down the stairs to once again fall over myself, this time onto the cruel harsh mistress known only as the outside world. The sunlight burned my skin away as I hissed at Celestia herself! Er, fur. Hair. Coat. Whatever. Point is, I finally got a good, in-person look at Sire's Hollow. Not something I saw on a T.V. screen, not something I vaguely recalled from my weird new memories. It was real.
So why was it so damn nostalgic. The bight yellow-green grass crushed softly beneath my hooves, as Equestira's morning air felt fresher than anything I ever felt-
Three little unicorns were running throughout town, without a care in the world. Though you wouldn't know it from what they were screaming.
"Look out, it's a giant dragon!" Yelled the orange one.
"I'm going to eat your gems! Bleh!" Yelled the green one.
"What is with you and eating rocks!" Yelled the purple one.
-I tripped a-fucking-gain. Oh great, I thought. They're happening again. These memories want to exist, they should've brought me to Equestria in the damn womb.
Powering through the absurdity of it all, I walked down the street, singular. The familiar yellow brick houses stood tall with their red brick roofs-
The unfamiliar looking houses were absolutely covered in a mess of cobwebs and goofy looking plastic spiders. Not that three little ponies noticed, mind you.
"Nightmare Night, what a fright!" Sang an orange pony in a wizard's cloak and hat, stroking his fake beard.
"Give me something good to bite!" Sang a purple pony with a kite on her head, eager to run around, as though flying in the wind.
"No worthy offerings means that it'll always be night!" Sang a green pony in some kind of royal armor, her fake wings comically large and bat-like.
-I crashed into the walls of one of these homes. Haven't I smacked my face around enough today? These new memories were hitting me harder than ever!
Rubbing my head, I peeled myself away from the random house. Damn thing should move out of the way! Sure enough, in my haste shake off the injury and yet another memory, I found myself in the town square. A quaint rural square with a humble farmer's market-
Three little ponies trotted through the market, bits jingling in their manes.
"That might be true, but Hibiscus flowers are sweeter than any other," Said the orange-Sunburst.
"I've always preferred Sunflowers, anyways," Said the purple-Starlight.
”If you don’t like the crispiness of a good daffodil, sure,” said the green-
Me.
I slumped against the fountain, closing my eyes, my head aching like crazy.
In-n-out, Anon. Take a deep breath. Breathe in, and then breathe out.
Okay. I’m okay. It’s going to all be okay. Okay?
I looked back at the road. I actually passed by Starlight’s house at this point…
I sighed. Maybe I can make it if I keep my eyes closed.
