"Sincerely"
To Mr. Filthy Rich, Owner of Barnyard Bargains,
I offer sincere apologies regarding what happened to your produce area. I suspect you knew this letter was coming since The Forces of Evil the Ponyville Court System suspiciously graciously ordered me to complete community service and offer a sincere apologetic note to get my mouth-writing on file so that I may avoid tarnishing my record with jail time.
I have been provided a court-appointed lawyer to censor my thoughts to make sure that this apology letter is written in such a way that no further consternation is caused.
I am aware that my efforts to bring TRUTH to ponies my "paranoid and unconventional beliefs" have caused distress and conflict in the past and I sincerely regret them. Mostly because nopony listened.
I am also aware that I have in the past specifically attempted to convert proselytize to speak to you about my views and have been generally dismissed and ignored because you're in league with THEM! because you are running a business and raising a family and have very little time on your hooves.
I simply thought you could find use for knowing how THEY exploit you for my thoughts on government regulation.
On that note, I'm sorry about the Government/Changeling drones bees. We'll get to those.
I apologize for forming a large gathering in the town square outside of your store. I was simply attempting to share the TRUTH my latest theory with the masses.
Although I was well within my rights to use the town square as a public forum, I apologize for my volume and demeanor. I fully admit to becoming agitated when I was summarly ignored. It distressed me to see ponies turn away from the TRUTH my opinions because they're SHEEP because they're intelligent and rational ponies who are entitled to their own opinions.
I'm not sure how long this conspiracy has been going on, or how you've been able to hide the TRUTH from ponies for so long, but as soon as I find out the whole world will know. I refuse to consume the mind-controlling false delicacies you dare to call 'fruit'. Have you no SHAME?! As if anything known as a SOAPBERRY could ever be truly edible. There is little we can trust in our own lands. How dare you import this foreign "fruit", with it's foreign contaminants, into an already delicate situation. The "Kirin", if they even EXIST, will not gain foothold in Equestria!!!!!
In retrospect, entering your store to save ponies! due to the TRUTH my own theories which have no grounding in reality was invasive. I have been informed that my efforts to protect ponies! to dismantle and examine your new display of exotic canned fruits for mind-control devices, however well-intentioned, would be considered "destruction of property".
By a court run by THEM!!!
I am sorry for what happened while I was opening the cans to inspect the contents.
I have since learned what a "durian" is, and why cans of it should not be opened in-store. THEY can say it's naturally occurring all THEY want. I know the TRUTH. And you. How dare you keep something that is clearly designed as a secret weapon in a retail store?
I was then made aware that a large number of ponies had followed me into your retail establishment. Upon exposure to the weapon the unexpected scent of a durian, a chain reaction occurred.
Whether these ponies were finally seeing the light! following me based on their own interests or they work for THEM! or simply wished to observe the results of my experiments, they followed me into your establishment of their own free will. I had no control unlike you, you sick monster over the actions of my fellow ponies. Thus, although I am sorry for the damage caused by a sudden stampede of a large number of ponies fleeing your store, I cannot take responsibility for the actions of others. Anyways, it's not like I ran. Clearly, I'm stronger.
When I fled your storefront in haste it was not a reaction to the smell of durian. Instead, I was simply attempting to leave and regroup with the information I had gained.
Which leads me to the events of the next day.
I assure you, I only had the best of intentions when I used a large selection of bee-attracting flowers to lure a swarm of bees into Barnyard Bargains. Incidentally, you made an admirable effort to get the smell of durian out of your storefront. I proceeded to kick and tear open every available can of fruit available for what I believed to be a good reason.
Bees, as government-controlled drones, should be alert to the mind control chemicals of other governments. They would consume them, and alert their masters to this travesty. Then when THEY come to investigate, I shall catch them, and nopony shall ever laugh at me again.
Really, you should thank me.
I believed I had succeeded when the swarm of bees left my flowers and instead was attracted to the pile of kicked-open cans.
Unfortunately, I had little understanding of the symbiotic relationship between bees and fruit-bats. While the majority of the bees I called to dismantle the mind-control chemicals lured into the store busied themselves with examining and consuming EVIL unfamiliar fruits, other bees apparently left to alert the fruit-bats to the bounty, so that they may break open large and unwieldy fruits for them. The fruit-bats, lead into the store by the bees and unimpeded by the windows I had broken to save ponies! of of a misguided effort to help seemed to be attracted to and enjoy the foreign fruits PROOF that they work for THEM! as well as the rest of the contents of the produce aisle and apparently responded by "attempting to take claim of Barnyard Bargains as their own territory". I am sorry for any bites, scratches, and echolocation-related injuries that may have resulted.
Although I only had the best of intentions at heart, I can see how unleashing the WEAPON opening as many cans of durian as possible in an attempt to drive away the fruit-bats was a poor decision.
I am sorry that the fruit-bats seemed to enjoy the smell of durian because they're MONSTERS. I offer sincere hopes that the infestation was able to be cleared from your produce isle.
Details regarding the next part of events are scant and confused. I have been informed that Rainbow Dash was practicing some rather complicated wind effects near Barnyard Bargains. Although I was only responsible for NONE OF IT! 50% of the subsequent fiasco, I apologize for the "freak windtunnel effect" that distributed the smell of durians across town.
I have been written to by what I believe to be a large percentage of Ponyville's population according to THEM! regarding damage to their sense of smell. Of course! That's how the weapon works! Although the research literature government LIES! states that there should be no permanent damage, I apologize for the temporary overwhelm of their senses and the inability to "ever forget that smell".
I am sorry about the scorching and lightning damage sustained to your storefront, as well as three others.
I am sorry about the trampling and impact injuries sustained by no less than twenty ponies.
I am also sorry about the fire.
I sincerely offer my apologies to you in the hopes that they will be accepted. I understand and fully accept that I may not be allowed into your storefront ever again, or at least until the damages are paid off.
If you wish to speak to me in person about this, please contact the Ponyville Police Force, as I have been moved to an undisclosed location to censor me! for my own safety.
Sincerely, Roseluck