1. Twilight In Chains
“Roll up, roll up! See the amazing two-winged, one-horned freak while it’s in town! I swear folks, you’ve never seen a horse like this before…!”
…Huh, what the…?
“... Did I mention it’s purple? With lavender streaks? And the most curious star symbol on its backside. I promise you everyone, it’s not painted on! Found the creature myself I did, sleeping the sleep of the damned… where, you might ask sir? Sorry, that’s a trade secret! Wouldn’t want you to scout out the area in case any more of these beauties appear…”
Who’s that… talking? Are they discussing… me? Argh! My eyelids! They feel like ten-ton weights! But I must… find out… what’s going on…
“...What’s that, madam? Your little cherub wants to have her picture taken with my newest acquisition? I can certainly arrange that: for the low, low price of thirty dollars! Usually it would be forty, but as it’s their debut appearance I’ve shaved 25% off the cost for today only! Can’t say fairer than that, can you? Just don’t go showing the photo to any government agencies, if you please…”
Ow! It's as if I’ve been headbutting the wall all night, too! I can barely stand the pain! I can’t just lie here, though. I… have to… know what’s happening….”
“If you all come here bright and early next week, I’ll even have some exclusive, limited edition purple horse merchandise to sell to you lucky, lucky people! Cuddly toys, balloons, snuggies… you want it, I got it! I’m even gonna start a competition to name the creature; First prize gets to feed it a handful of oats, and stroke her mane for not one, not two… but five whole minutes! Or you can take her for a ride… though, only if you’re a kiddy weighing under 100lbs. And I will have some scales on my personage, so don’t try and fool me… ”
...By Star Swirl The Bearded’s greying old beard!! Nopony is riding me around like a wagon (except for Spike, that one time) or petting me as if I were one of Fluttershy’s animals!!! And, I despise oats! Not quite as much as quesadillas, but regardless… I’ve had enough of them describing me like some kind of filly’s plaything when I’m right here! I don’t care how much it hurts to even breathe right now, I’m going to get to the bottom of this! Just… one… big effort… should do it…
“...Look, Mommy! The horsie! It’s moving!!”
An innocent child’s exultant scream heralded sunlight finally pouring back into Twilight Sparkle’s bloodshot eyes, and she staggered to her hooves to take in her suddenly silent surroundings.
She almost wished she’d stayed in the blissful naivety of unconsciousness, once her vision began to fully return.
Failing that, hopefully the horrifying image that’d suddenly appeared was nothing more than a dreadful continuum of some terrible nightmare which’d befallen her.
Soon good old reliable Spike would rouse the tossing and turning mare with a cup of morning tea, the daily newspaper and his usual sarcastic demeanour. ‘Should I run a bath for you, Your Majesty?’ he’d say in a faux-posh accent, and they’d both have a good giggle about it afterwards. If there was one pony who hated being treated like a member of the ruling gentry, it was Twilight.
Neither of these possibilities appeared to be true though, and the gaping mouths of the many differently-sized attired primates gathered outside the large iron cage she currently inhabited seemed all too real. There wasn’t a single familiar sight within eyeshot, and for a few seconds both alicorn and humans stared in amazement at each other, as if it was a challenge to see who’d speak the first word.
I don’t think I’m in Equestria anymore, that’s for sure. This is just like at Canterlot High… except, everyone appears to be pink-skinned. Wait, there are a few brown faces around too, not that it really matters. They don’t seem half as friendly either, locking me up in this cell like I was some sort of common criminal. At least I appear to have retained my equine form here. I suppose I better try communicating with them. Even if they seem, as Rarity might say, like a bunch of brutish savages…
Realising that if she could understand them earlier, the chances of these primitive beings being able to speak her language were good. Twilight went for broke by first clearing her throat before emitting a simple “...Hello…”
…And that was when all hell (not ‘hello’) broke loose.
“W-What? It can talk?!”
“I told you this was some kinda cheap scam! There must be a recording device hidden somewhere…”
“Bet that ‘horn’ is made of plywood! And those ‘wings’? Took ‘em from a mattress and stuck ‘em on with superglue, I bet! Spotted it from a mile off, so I did!”
“Come on dear, we’re going home! This ‘magical, mystical pony’ is just as fake as the rest of the old geezer’s ‘attractions’! A fox with two tails? A rabbit that poops twenty-four ‘carrot’ solid gold nuggets?! Do me a favour!!”
As the crowd began melting away and snatching whatever dollar bills they’d already given to the stall’s owner en route, soon Twilight was left in no doubt who was responsible for her capture and subsequent imprisonment.
“...You!!”
An absolutely apoplectic ruddy-faced elderly man, sporting a whitish handlebar moustache that curved all the way around his cheeks and a metallic walking stick with a sharpened edge hobbled over to the cage’s edge to glower ruefully at the alicorn contained within. The fact she’d been the first equine to ever say a word in pure English didn’t seem to impress him at all… in fact, it had quite the opposite effect.
“Don’t you know, horsie? You’re not supposed to make the exhibit too fantastical, or you ruin the illusion! All you had to do is keep your mouth shut, and I could’ve made enough in one month to retire on! Instead, now I’m going to have to do something I didn’t want to even think about. Hope you don’t mind radical surgery…”
“Well, excuse me for wanting to know where I am, and what on Tartarus you’re planning on doing with me! I’ve just been crowned Princess; I should be back home, planning the future of my realm and subjects, not cooped up inside this box with bars talking to… wait, what was that you just said about radical surgery?!”
“Hmm?” The old guy hadn’t really been listening to a word Twilight was saying, he was too busy examining the pointed part of his silvery walking aid. “Well, seeing as how you can’t control your temper, and will dissuade crowds everywhere the moment you start spilling your guts, the only viable solution for me is sever your vocal cords. I was already planning on clipping your wings later, but this new job will require some added professional help. I wonder if perhaps Tina could assist me…?”
“WHAT?!” Twilight roared out loud, outraged at what she’d just heard and the nonchalant tone her new ‘master’ had used. “Who do you think you… well, I was planning to solve this problem with diplomatic means, but if that’s your goal I’m afraid you’ve left me with no choice. Step out of the way, if you value your life. I’m about to blast my way out of this jail, so if you’ve got any sense you’ll steer well clear of the explosion. Here we go…”
The senior human looked momentarily concerned, and instinctively took a few steps backwards to gaze intriguingly at a straining Twilight as she attempted to conjure up all her considerable magical talents into one almighty ray of light.
“Here… goes. Any… second now. I’ll… be free as a-a.”
Sadly though, all the confidence in the world couldn’t seem to change the fact that her magic didn’t seem to work in this new universe. As that fact became clear and Twilight collapsed from sheer despair and exhaustion, a visibly relieved old man shambled forward to pat Twilight lightly on the muzzle with the blunt edge of his cane.
“Come now, it’s not so bad here! After your operation, I swear you’ll feel so much better! Horses shouldn’t fly or speak, anyway. It’s unnatural! If the Good Lord had meant for your species to be this way, he would’ve made all of you the same!”
I can’t believe… I’m stuck here…
“...Later on, I’ll introduce you to Tina! You’ll like her; she’s my granddaughter, a trainee vet and a total sweetheart to boot! And you know the best part? She treats all my special animals for free! When you wake up after your op, you’ll have a saddlebag full of nutritious oats to eat, a cool scar on your neck to show everyone and a fully mucked-out cage! Treatment fit for a ‘Princess’, I’m sure you agree(!)”
“Listen to me, whoever-you-are!” Twilight finally snapped out of her temporal despondency to jump up and glare at the irritating geezer square in the eyes. “I’m not a ‘horse’, I’m a pony! I can’t stand oats… and I most certainly do not require being ‘mucked out’, if that means what I think it does! You are not going to touch me either; I’ll have escaped long before that, mark my words! For I am Twilight Sparkle, and I never give up…!”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” The old man seemed unimpressed at the alicorn’s impassioned speech. “You’ll soon see how things work around here, once we’ve crushed that ‘indomitable’ spirit of yours. You make me money, you eat, You don’t, you won’t. It’s as simple as that. I’ll always let you have fresh water for free, though. See what a nice guy I am? Oh by the way ‘Twilight Sparkle’, my name is T.P Barmy, custodian of Barmy’s Brilliant and Beguiling Bevy of Bizarre Beasties! And you now have the honour of being my new prize exhibit! Rest easy my dear, soon Tina will be visiting to prep you for surgery. In the meantime, ol’ T.P will be imbibing some liquid refreshment to celebrate his new purple goldmine. ‘I’m in the money, I’m in the money’…”
As T.P Barmy joyfully skipped away singing the opening refrain of a show-tune Twilight had never heard before, she sank once more to the plain floor of her outdoor cell. All her bravado from earlier had completely disappeared; she simply had no idea to get away without the use of her powers after solely relying on them for so long.
All I can do now is wait for an opportunity to escape, and grab it with four hooves. At least all my friends are safe back on Equestria, though they must be worried sick about me. Once I get out of here, the first thing I must do is try to get a message to them. After finding out where I am, of course…
Unluckily for Twilight though, things weren’t quite that simple.
You see, all of her closest friends weren’t to be found back in Equestria.
They were much nearer than that, in fact. In exactly the same place Twilight was.
On the backward planet known to its most intelligent inhabitants as ‘Earth”.
And on this aforementioned floating rock, there happened to be seven continents.
Inside each continent, a most trusted member of Twilight’s inner circle was stirring.
Twilight had been the first to rise, in a little place called North America.
Next we’ll follow the adventures of Spike the dragon, who’ll find himself unceremoniously dumped in a vast metropolis populated by billions of people…
In other words, Asia.