A collection of random short stories involving Idol Hooves and friends.
All ponies daydream. Some are about a life they’d rather live. Others are about a special somepony they have yet to meet. Idol Hooves is not a pony, but he too daydreams, if not very often and never for long. What are they about? Mostly nonsense. These are just a few of his more interesting Idol Daydreams.
It was a bright, sunny day out in the streets of Canterlot. Ponies walked to and fro, bumping into each other, shouting profanities, and generally having a busy morning. But such parts of Canterlot, as fascinating as they may be, were not the start of this story. Rather, this story began at the heart of the city, and the seat of power for the most expansive nation on the planet: Canterlot Castle. More specifically, the kitchen. Even more specifically, the fridge.
A nervous chittering came from beneath the mysterious white cube of cooling. It was like a magnet; nobody knew how it worked. Topaz Showers, a yellow pegasus mare with an unkempt turquoise mane and tail, perked up at the noise. As an entomologist, it came as no surprise that her cutie mark was a trail of ladybugs. She walked over to the fridge and leaned down to look underneath, letting out a sigh once she did.
“Idol, your son is hiding under the refrigerator again!” she shouted.
Idol Hooves barely looked up from the game of poker he was playing with Shining Armor. “Turn the light off and he will come out,” he responded.
Idol was a fairly typical changeling drone, long since exiled from his job as a tunneler at the changeling hive. That said, he was currently disguised in his preferred form, that of a dark grey, nondescript stallion.
Shining Armor was a stark white unicorn, with a short, well-kept mane, dark blue with a stripe of light blue. His cutie mark was a similarly blue colored shield, with a pink star in the center, and three lighter blue stars above it. He was also winning the poker game due to his far superior poker face.
Topaz grumbled to herself as she walked over to the light switch across the room, “I swear, nopony tells you the important things when it comes to raising a child.” The room went dark; after a few moments, a small nymph crawled out from his makeshift shelter. Topaz flicked the lights back on.
Back at the table, Idol frowned slightly as he placed a card. “How come he’s my son when he’s in trouble?” he asked.
“Because you’re always trouble,” Shining retorted with a smirk.
Idol pouted in response. “I dislike that you are not wrong.”
“And you dislike more that I tell him stories about you.”
“Stop telling my offspring stories of my various shames.”
Topaz walked over with the nymph balanced on her back between outstretched wings. She sat down in an empty chair at the table between the two stallions, placing the nymph on the table in front of her.
“Stop giving me material,” Shining snarked.
Idol crossed his forelegs and looked away. “Literally never,” he said.
Rolling his eyes, Shining continued, “Same answer then. Since disciplining you doesn’t work because you like that, I figure this will do just fine.”
Just as he finished his statement, the door to the kitchen burst open, followed by a tall, dark figure. Queen Chrysalis upended the table as she charged into it. Topaz, used to this sort of behavior from the queen, had picked the nymph up off of the table beforehoof and held him in her arms.
The Queen, a rather imposing changeling queen at that, looked around frantically. “Where is my grandfoal?!” she demanded.
The now open door admitted a second creature: Viridian Virga. The older pony turned angrily to Chrysalis. “Wait your turn! I’ve waited twelve years for this!” she scolded.
Looking at the not quite angry, but very disappointed mother, Chrysalis stomped a hoof on the floor. “I will not be denied! If he is going to ignore my orders and have a family, I will spoil the foal rotten.” She turned her glare back to Idol.
Idol broke the silence, “Viridian does have dibs. She called them more than a decade ago and has renewed said dibs every year without fail.”
Viridian, now immediately to the right of Chrysalis, waved her hooves in the air. “Moooore graaaaannnndfooooaaaaals…”
The impending argument between the two grandmothers was interrupted by Topaz once more peeking under the fridge. The nymph had vanished again. “A little help here, Idol?” she called out.
Idol looked perhaps a bit too confused as he looked over to the mare. “I thought we were not supposed to do those acts in front of others.” He paused and glanced at the ceiling. “Well, besides Ca—”
Suddenly very aware of what parts of her body were most on display, Topaz let out a brilliant blush. She quickly jumped back to a standing position, turning around. “Not what I meant!” she squeaked out.
Chrysalis shook her head. “You let that hussy watch you and I can’t spoil my grandfoal?” She sighed. “Where did I go wrong?”
Idol nodded at her. “You threw me out on my plot, Your Majesty.”
“And I happen to like that plot,” came a familiar voice. As princesses are prone to do, the Princess of Love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Princess Cadance entered the room like a ghost, practically floating. The walls were likely shivering.
Chrysalis flicked her eyes to the Princess. “I gave you a choice.” She turned and pointed at Cadance. “I wasn’t talking to you. Keep your eyes away from my son.”
Idol interjected, completely nonplussed, “After a while, the harassment became a relationship. Topaz assures me it works that way, and Mothchaser’s behavior has only served to confirm her assessment.”
As if summoned, Motherchaser swooped down from the rafters. She was a grey bat pony mare with a long dark blue mane. She licked her lips as she landed behind Idol and whispered sultrily, “It sure does…”
The changeling queen stared at Mothchaser for a long moment before flicking her green eyes back to Idol. “A herd?” she questioned, “You have a herd?” A holed hoof met her face. “I do not know if I should be proud or worried.”
“I find the answer is yes,” Idol helpfully responded, helpfully. It was helpful.
With a huff, Chrysalis continued, “Fine. If you are going to ignore my orders and lay that down on me, then I want you to not make more grandfoals for me to spoil with their other grandma.”
Cadance angrily pushed past Chrysalis to be in front of Idol. “Ignore that order.”
Idol narrowed his eyes. “Do not tell me what to do.” Both creatures of love paused for several moments to stare at him. “I am going to have all the foals,” he finally said.
A sickly sweet smile graced Chrysalis’ face. She stepped towards Idol. “No, Idol, do not.” Another step. “Stop ignoring my orders.”
Ignoring Chrysalis’ orders, Idol looked up at nothing in particular. “Discord, I am cashing in my favor. The Queen desires foals.”
Discord’s disembodied laughter echoed through the room.
“Grandfoals,” Chrysalis clarified.
Viridian poked the Queen’s side, drawing her attention. “No, no, no. Do it like this.” She waved her hooves in the air again. In a suitably wavering voice, she continued, “Graaaaaandfooooooaaaaals…”
With a slight smile, Chrysalis leaned towards Viridian. “I want them to think I do not want more adorable little grandfoals. Idol is still in his rebellious phase.”
Though rarely used, the dungeons of Canterlot Castle were kept remarkably clean. Finding even a single speck of dust floating about was a real challenge — cobwebs and decaying skeletons even more so. That said, there were a few skeletons sitting in an interrogation room at the moment, although they were still contained by flesh and other body parts.
Idol Hooves sat in a cold metal chair, forelegs strapped to the similarly cold and metal table in the center of the room. A bright light shone down at him, perfectly positioned such that enough of it bounced into his eyes to be vaguely annoying. Across the table, Princess Celestia had reared up to put her front hooves on its surface. Being the sun itself, in a somewhat detached and metaphorical way, her cutie mark was also of the sun itself. Her mane was several colors of the pastel rainbow and coat was a brilliant white. Almost blindingly so. She directed a glare down at Idol.
They were both in the interrogation room, the changeling invasion having just been defeated and the wedding of Princess Cadance and Shining Armor having just been thoroughly trashed. Though not exactly a frequent occurrence, Idol had found himself down here far more often than would be expected of a guardspony. Or even what would be acceptable for one.
“Everything you say here is being recorded,” Celestia began, breaking the tense silence. Idol nodded tersely after a moment. “Now,” the Princess continued, “can you tell me where Shining Armor was during the wedding?”
Idol again nodded, taking a breath. “To prevent the Queen from marrying Shining Armor, I hit him over the head with a tire-iron and put him in the back of a cart.” He paused and looked into Celestia’s eyes before clarifying, “So he would not be harmed.”
Her mouth barely twitched, either a testament to her millennium of ruling or a sign that she had heard the story already. “That lines up with where the guards found the Prince and his reported head injury.” She looked down at her clipboard and flipped over a page. “And how did you come to kiss Queen Chrysalis during the ceremony?” she eventually asked.
A sigh escaped Idol’s lips and he looked down at the table. If his hooves were freed, he’d likely have tried scraping at the ground. “It is one of my greatest shames. After personally escorting Shining Armor to safety—” A snort from Celestia barely interrupted him. “I then took his place at the wedding, where I then might have accidentally married Princess Cadance. Thankfully, Las Pegasus was able to add Shining Armor to our vows, as is proper.”
The alicorn blinked slowly at him, saying nothing. He rubbed his chin and looked up in thought. “One cannot annul a marriage to a princess, you see,” he finally said with a pleased smile.
Again flipping over a paper on her clipboard, Celestia took some time to respond. “Uh, yes,” she began, “of course. But how did that lead to…” she trailed off and looked at Idol.
“I informed my landlady of this arrangement so as to not cause her undue stress. In accordance with the plan, she told me how to signal danger to you.” When Celestia said nothing, he took that as a sign to continue. “Topaz described the act of leaning towards an adversary and then covering their mouth with my own. I followed her instructions during the ceremony.”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You believed her?” Immediately realizing the folly of her question, she shook her head.
“Of course. The move made tactical sense to me at the time by serving the dual purpose of warning you and cutting off the enemy’s air supply.” Celestia sank into her chair as Idol explained. “She also had trouble holding in her fearful laughter at the thought of an enemy invasion. I would be a monster to ignore her advice.”
The pleased smile Idol held grew even wider which Celestia rolled her eyes at. “I see. Returning to the previous question, why did you use a tire-iron of all things? Those are quite a bit harder to acquire when compared to, say, a crowbar.” She rubbed her chin with a hoof. “In fact, you were arrested while trying to sell me on crowbars after losing your disguise.”
Idol blinked. “Oh, perhaps I misremembered.”
Celestia frowned slightly at him. “If you recall, it was right after the changeling invasion when…”
Even earlier, a superpowered love spell had just expelled the changeling forces from Canterlot. Idol was still standing where he was before the finale, now sans-disguise. In the castle throne room with him were six diminutive horses, along with Cadance, Shining, Celestia, and several guards. Furniture was upturned everywhere. Each window in the room was shattered. The fern in the corner behind Celestia was on its side. Quite tragic.
Either unaware, purposefully ignorant, or just plain drunk from the love blast, Idol stumbled past Cadance and Shining in order to reach Princess Celestia, bowing deeply. Hiccuping all the while, he stood up from the bow and gave a salute. “The changeling army has been defeated, Your Majesty.”
Celestia stood rigid in place and stared at the changeling in front of her. “Uh,” she tried. “Yes, I—” She smacked her lips and shook her head. “I can see that.”
The many remaining guards in the throne room had yet to make a move on him, too confused by the situation as a whole.
“Do you have any further orders for me or my stallions?” he continued, obliviously.
“Your stallions?” Celestia asked and shook her head again. “No, I suppose I do not?” she upspoke, flicking her eyes to the confused guards as if seeking an escape from an awkward conversation.
“Thank you. Now, before the wedding, I had been meaning to bring something to your attention.” Nobody moved a muscle. Idol continued, “I found these strange, bent bars of metal that ponies have created to be extremely useful.” He pulled out a crowbar and presented it to Celestia. “They are great at removing any number of objects from other objects they happen to be attached to, among other uses.”
Celestia’s mouth moved wordlessly for a moment before she managed to ask, “A crowbar?”
Idol nodded excitedly. “Yes. For example when I subdued Shining Armor with a hit over the head to keep him safe during the wedding. Its functions are both safe and functional.”
Twilight reflexively murmured, “That’s a tautology.”
At the same time, Cadance found the strength to step forward and glare angrily at Idol. “You did what to my Shining?” she demanded. As was tradition, everyone ignored her.
Idol said, “Furthermore, it is reusable a great many times, unlike a stick. Also unlike a stick, it does not function as a temporary food source while foraging.”
At this point, it was crystal clear that literally nobody had a clue as to what the heck was going on. A single guardspony defenestrated himself.
“In summary, sticks are both functional and tasty but are usable exactly once while crowbars are far more versatile.”
Idol stared Celestia in the eyes, refusing to be intimidated by the stunned expression on her face. “Therefore, Your Majesty, I believe it would be most prudent to supply every Royal Guard member with a crown-mandated crowbar: so that Shining Armor may be kept safe.”
His smile was almost bright enough to rival the Princess’ bored stare. With finality, she ordered, “Arrest him.”
“Idol, why did you put a ‘lick me’ sign on my back?”
Idol turned to look at Thorax who was staring at a partially ripped sheet of paper recently removed from his person. “I did no such thing,” he replied.
Both changelings were walking down an empty hallway in the Crystal Palace. The setting sun cast deep shadows across the corridor with no artificial lights functioning to offset the atmosphere. The princesses had been attempting to determine how many of them it took to screw in a light bulb for several weeks, but had yet to actually do anything about it.
Thorax fixed him with a bored stare. “I watched you tape it on.”
“That could have been any changeling.” Idol shook his head. “We can shapeshift, you know.”
Thorax snorted. “You did it five seconds ago.” An innocent whistle was the only response. He frowned. “Why have you been messing with me so much lately?”
Idol sighed and stopped walking. “At the behest of Mothchaser, I have been attempting to help you build character.” He looked at the ceiling and continued, “She assured me taping a paper with the words ‘lick me’ to a pony’s back was a tradition all foals experience.”
“I think you mean ‘kick me’,” Thorax responded with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh. That would explain why Mothchaser was giggling so much while suggesting the idea.” Idol rubbed his chin. “I figured she was simply having a stressful night.”
Idol paused at the entrance to the bar and glared at Thorax. It was late in the evening and a brisk cold had descended upon Canterlot City. They stood outside one of the more popular guard watering holes, bundled in several layers of jackets, scarves, and fluffy hats.
“What?” Thorax eventually asked after several moments of awkward silence.
The glare didn’t lessen. “I want you to be on your best behavior, do you understand?”
Thorax waved a hoof. “I’m not a child, you know. I know how to—”
Idol stomped a hoof on the ground, interrupting Thorax. The effect was mostly lost due to the bunny slippers he had scavenged from Topaz. Winter nights were no jokes to changelings. “Because,” he began sharply, “I would hate to explain to Shining Armor how you never returned from your first meeting with bat ponies.”
Thorax took a step back. “Wh— what?” He gulped as Idol moved closer.
Idol whispered into his ear, “It is a little known secret that naughty changelings are a delicacy to bat ponies.”
Thorax shivered, looking over his shoulder at the bar. “N— no, that’s ridiculous!”
“Is it?” Idol questioned before shrugging. “I do not know if Topaz has told you this but I was exiled with another changeling.” Another gulp from the smaller changeling. “He did not survive his first meeting with the night guard.”
Now visibly quaking in his boots, Thorax attempted to scoot away from the door. “Maybe th— this was a b— bad idea,” he managed.
Not giving him a chance to run, Idol lifted him in his magic and strode boldly through the door to the bar. Thorax tried to run in midair, but was instead dropped in front of several bat ponies. He froze in place.
When Mothchaser caught sight of the two of them, she licked her lips and slinked over. Thorax, of course, screamed and fainted.
Idol stared at the unconscious changeling and then at Mothchaser. “I believe your idea may have been too extreme.”
The two troublemakers, Thorax and Idol, pushed their way through bramble and flora to the drenched campsite. They had just arrived in the Everfree Forest a few days earlier and already Thorax was having a miserable time.
“Can we please just leave?” Thorax begged for the seventh time that hour. Idol said nothing. “I get it, alright? I shouldn’t have taught Flurry to do that with the oatmeal, but the doghouse was not my fault!”
Idol only snorted. Thorax took that as a cue to continue. “Please, I am soaking wet, starving, sleep deprived, covered in scratches, and probably have a few extra holes from the timberwolf attack!”
“Do you know why we are not going yet?” Idol asked, stopping and looking down at the other changeling. Thorax shook his head. “When I was your age, suffering in the wilderness was instrumental in molding me into a functional member of society.”
Thorax sighed and looked down. He scraped at the ground for a few seconds before smiling brightly. Looking back at Idol, he excitedly said, “Actually, you’re right! It would certainly come in handy for all of those friendship adventures I go on to get changelings to come from all across the land to proclaim me as their king…” he trailed off. “Good plan, Idol. I will follow in your hoofsteps!”
To this day it is unknown whether Thorax was brilliantly stupid or stupidly brilliant at that moment.
The train station was crawling with ponies of all shapes and sizes. Idle conversation and the occasional shout filled the air, mixing together to form a cacophony of pony noises. A train pulled into the station, slowing to a crawl with a fearsome screech. Shining shuddered at the noise by his position at the drop-off point, sitting on a simple metal bench. The doors slid open after a few minutes, releasing its violent inhabitants to pursue the destruction of the world. Or whatever it is train-dwellers do.
Grimacing, Shining shook his head and reminded himself to stop thinking like Idol. Down that road lay terrors the likes of which Celestia only knew. ‘Twas best to just steer clear of such danger altogether, lest he end up like Bold.
Amongst the ponies stepping off the train were two very pony-like non-ponies. Idol and Thorax, both disguised as ponies, moved away from the doors and began searching for Shining Armor. Well, scurried might be a better term for what Idol did. He was practically running from the infernal machine as quickly as possible, an abject look of terror across his face.
Shining stood up upon spotting the duo and began wading through the crowd of ponies to get to them. “Idol! Thorax!” he called, garnering their attention. Once he made it all the way to them, he asked, “How was the camping trip?”
Thorax took a half-step back when Shining went in for the hug. His bear hugs were infamous for their raw bone-cracking strength. “Idol made me make a campfire with magic,” Thorax began. Idol perked up at his name. “It was rainy and humid and there were parasprites everywhere!” He smiled brightly.
Idol grumbled and crossed his forelegs, as ponies did. “It was going so well, until I realized he was having fun.”
Thorax’s smile disappeared and he focused a glare on Idol.
Wind shrieked through the streets of Canterlot, carrying with it a blanket of snow. Visibility was cut to mere meters and a terrible biting cold whipped against anypony unfortunate or foalish enough to be caught outside. It would have looked no more than a dead city, if it weren’t for the sparkling lights filling the night sky and emanating from every window and door. It was a brilliant spectacle from above, if anypony were high-up enough to see it.
By the wall of the great city was an unassuming house. A house that was properly infested by bugs. Big pony-shaped ones. Every door, window, and crack in the house was stuffed tight with blankets and pillows. Idol and Thorax were platonically cuddling atop a worn red couch, wearing heavy matching scarves and holding steaming mugs of hot chocolate. Directly before them roared a fireplace, staving off the cold. Shining sat to their right in a newer forelegchair of the same color, a cup of iced tea next to him.
“Well, we’re not heretics, we just have a different view on matters of religion and leadership,” Thorax replied.
Idol sat up straight, puffing out his chest. “I vote we gift-wrap Shining Armor and present him as a peace offering to the Queen,” he said imperiously. He raised an empty foreleg in the air, taking a sip from his mug with the other. Thorax did the same.
Shining glared at Idol while taking a long sip. “A few problems with that,” he began and put down his cup. “One: ponies don’t vote. Two: changelings don’t vote. And three: we’re not doing that.” For each point, he mimed counting on his hoof.
Thorax perked up from his slight sulking. “Actually, the changelings are attempting to institute a true democratic—”
“See?” Idol interrupted and pointed at the other guard. “Shining, I can have an angry mob here in two minutes. Three at most.” Shining scoffed and raised his nose into the air. He continued, “I have a petition asking Princess Celestia to ban the cold. It has five thousand unique signatures.” He began rummaging through a saddlebag leaning against the couch.
“And how many of them are from real ponies?” Shining asked, rolling his eyes.
Idol paused and looked up. “A pony hoof signed each line.”
“A real pony’s hoof or a shapeshifted one?”
Idol glared at his friend and responded, “How dare you be so accurate?”
“I have become a religious icon amongst my people.”
Shining and Idol were laying in their respective beds in the Canterlot guard barracks. A clear split down the middle of the room divided even the closed wooden door. Idol’s side was decorated neatly and sparsely with a few slightly glowing red crystals pulsing near his bed. The rest of the room, while not messy, held far more character than Idol’s half.
Shining looked away from the book held in his magic and towards Idol. He frowned heavily. “I’m not sure what you are talking about, but I swear I will throw you in a cell.” He then returned his attention to the book.
For his part, Idol stared up at undisguised legs. He was on his back, you see. His life flashed before his eyes. He would live or die on whatever his next action was. Finally, he reached over and poked Shining until the pony glanced over again. “I am a holey bug,” he stated proudly and held up a leg.
This time, Shining did not remove his gaze from his friend. Instead, his eyes bored into Idol’s soul, glaring him into submission.
Shining and Topaz stood in front of two occupied cells below Canterlot Castle. Dim torchlight flickered in and out, giving the whole area a dungeon-like look. It helped that this was, in fact, a dungeon. The first cell on the left held a large changeling looking far too proud of himself. He — Idol — had his face pressed up against the bars with his snout poking through. It was also rather adorable. Proudly adorable.
To his right was a cell that was, at first glance, empty. However, upon closer examination, Topaz discovered a small dejected changeling in the corner. He stared blankly at the ground.
Shining continued explaining the situation to his guest, “...and Thorax, here, was convicted as an accomplice to Idol’s crimes.” He held up a tiny notebook in his magic. “He was found smuggling this joke book in and out of the castle.” He shook his head.
Meanwhile, Topaz was clearly trying her best to stifle a giggle. “You know,” she began, failing to stop one from escaping, “at least he didn’t say religious idol.”
Shining whipped his head over to stare at Topaz with a sickening crack. His eyes bored into her soul, glaring her into submission.
Now before three occupied cells, Shining sat on the ground. His hooves rubbed the sides of his head in an attempt to alleviate a growing headache. In addition to Idol and Thorax, both in the same positions as before, Topaz now lounged on her back in the bed of the rightmost cell. She had her hindlegs crossed, with forelegs held behind her head. Somehow she had acquired pretty rad-looking sunglasses and was using them to their full effect.
Thorax spoke first, breaking the long silence, “I— I can’t even be mad about this. It’s hilarious. Help.”
Shining glared at Thorax first, then Idol. He didn’t dare look at Topaz — she was too cool. “Happy now?” he asked.
Idol waited a moment to respond. Staring directly at Shining, he said, “In religions, it is called penitent.”
Shining immediately screamed and ran out of the room. A loud thud echoed through the dungeon a second later. Topaz lowered her sunglasses slightly at the commotion.
“Is it just me, or is it even more fun to torment him?” Idol asked.
Idol and Thorax sat together on a rather comfortable red velvet couch. They were in Thorax’s room at the changeling hive. It was weirdly nice looking and even had a fireplace which was extremely unusual for a room at the hive. No one knew how or why it was like that. Or whence the furniture and decorations came. Thorax wouldn’t say a word and Idol had been sworn to secrecy.
In any case, Thorax sluggishly pulled his gaze away from the entrancing flames. Sparkling embers danced across his vision until he managed to look at Idol. “Can I let you in on a secret?” he asked quietly.
Idol briefly glanced away from the fire as well. “I am listening.”
Thorax looked left and right in the room, conspiratorially, despite the fact that not a soul was within a mile of the hive that day — it was a holiday. He also bloody well knew this. He whispered, “You know how Shining thinks it’s ridiculous that I called it a small pony book yesterday?”
Idol nodded. “I do and he does.” He paused. “What of it?”
Thorax merely smirked and leaned back smugly. “Do you really think I don’t know what a journal is?”
Idol matched the other changeling’s wide smirk. “This is going to be fun.”
Again, both changelings were sitting in front of an entrancing fire. This time they were in a guestroom at the Crystal Palace. Both stared wide-eyed into the flames. Thorax held an unread magazine with the title and cover image obscured by his hoof. Idol had a rather long novel entitled Greece: The Science of Baking open on his lap. Not a soul was within a mile of the Crystal Empire that day — it was a holiday.
Idol took an exaggerated breath. “I once laid an illusion of the Queen over Princess Cadance during one of her dates with Shining. She never found out.”
“Well, I once gave Flurry Heart fangs and dabbed chocolate on the back of his neck,” Thorax quickly retorted.
Idol shook his head. “Yes, well, I painted Cersus white and told her to run up to him yelling, ‘Daddy!’”
Both changelings broke down into laughter. That day, a true friendship was born.
Shining briskly walked down an empty hallway in the Crystal Palace. It wasn’t a holiday, it was just really late.
Five years ago, the food uprising had been summarily squashed with the perpetrators drawn and cubed. Eight years ago, the eighteen homeless dwarves had been housed, although said houses burned down a month later. Ten years ago, the slippery one slipped away because she kept slipping past the guards. Eleven years ago, Princess Cadance became pregnant. Eleven years and one month ago, Flurry Heart was born.
Cersus stepped out from behind a pillar several meters ahead of Shining. She had grown quite a bit since Idol took her in some decades ago and was now a tall and lithe changeling mare. She wore a poorly-crafted paper crown and disproportionately large cardboard wings. As it was, Shining barely slowed as he passed her by. She fell into step behind him.
“Hey there, beautiful,” she said a little bit too loud.
Shining halted midstep causing Cercus to almost fall over as she tried to stop. He turned to her. “I’m sorry, but have we met?”
Cersus took a slow step towards him, grinning. Fangs poked out from her lips and her eyes were barely half-lidded. They were practically quarter-lidded. She looked like she was trying to not fall asleep. Still, Shining attempted to back away from her, quickly bumping into a wall. In a horrifically unseductive voice, she asked, “Do you want to? I mean, I certainly want to get to know you.”
She leaned forward until her mouth pressed against Shining’s ear. One of her fangs brushed the skin, causing his ear to fold back.
“Uh…” Shining tried.
Breathily, in the sense that she sounded vaguely asthmatic, Cersus whispered, “Outside and in.” She trailed a hoof up his chest, eventually reaching his chin.
Finally, he broke from his catatonic state and pushed her hoof away. “I need an adult,” he quietly managed to get out. He continued to search for an escape, but he was figuratively and literally stuck between a crystal and a hard place.
Nymph’s grin widened. “You are an adult!” she responded.
Again, Shining attempted to escape, managing to free himself from the hot and sweaty prison. He pointed an accusatory hoof at Cersus, backing far away. “You’re making it worse!”
He took off, bolting towards the end of the hall. Cersus made no move to follow. Rounding the corner, Shining found Thorax and Idol figuratively rolling on the floor, chittering. They had clearly heard the entire thing. Those rats. Thorax was draped over Idol, practically about to fall over. Think Fleur de Lis and Fancy Pants, but a better ship.
Idol stood upright suddenly, throwing Thorax to the ground. “Oh, no,” he murmured, “She’s actually attracted to him.” They both silently looked at each other before chittering even louder than before.
Shining collapsed to the floor. “Why are we friends?” he questioned.
Princess Cadance strolled around the corner, humming to herself. She stopped and went silent as she took in the scene before her.
Thorax, having not noticed the new arrival, only chittered harder and pounded a hoof on the floor. “Be— be— because you’re a masochist!” he stuttered out.
Meanwhile, Shining covered his head with his hooves. “I must know at least one other pony that would literally break their back for me.”
“I mean, that’s true, Thorax,” Cadance interjected, “but you promised to not watch us do those things.”
“I must know at least one other pony who would foalsit Flurry. Who would stop anypony from waking her — with fangs,” Shining continued.
Thorax blushed brightly and mumbled something about Libuella. Idol turned towards him in surprise and took a step forward. “Wait. Bachelor party Libby?” he asked, then looked at Shining excitedly. “Shining! You remember bachelor party Libby!”
“I do not,” responded Shining flatly.
Thorax blushed even harder. “Y— yeah,” he stuttered, “that was her, um, old thing.” Cadance drifted closer and grinned widely. Thorax tried to hide behind Idol. “She’s grinning at me. I hate it when she grins at me like that. Idol, make her stop!”
Idol ignored Thorax as he was used as a living shield. He shook his head. “There is no help for it,” he began, “As Shining says, ‘with Cadance, you have to ride out the storm.’”
Shining waved his hooves wildly from the floor. “Context! Context, Idol!”
“Which time that you and Cady cajoled me into your room would you like me to reference?”
Shining blinked owlishly. “Those were for game nights!” he eventually objected, “And you promised to not watch!”
Grinning, Cadance slinked towards Shining, like a thing that slinks towards ponies. “No,” she corrected, “the games were foreplay. I was in it for the rewards—” She noticed Thorax attempting to sneak away and snapped toward him. “Thorax! Don’t you sneak off!”
Thorax took the opportunity to make a run for it. His life very much depended on it. “Run, run, run, run, run!” he shouted repeatedly, Cadance following close behind.
Both remaining creatures watched the two forms retreat from view for several long moments. Eventually, Idol broke the silence as he turned back to Shining. “I did not watch you do those things, I heard you do them.”
Shining blushed deeply.
Later, Idol dragged Shining into his bedroom by the ear with just one hoof… somehow. Magic, biznatch. He kicked the doors shut behind him.
“Ow, ow!” Shining whined as he was dragged towards the center of the room. “Idol, I really don’t — ow — think this is necessary!”
Idol let go and turned to glare at the cowed pony. “I am told that it is customary to threaten physical violence if one does emotional harm to a young mare with a crush.”
Shining jumped up and backed away. “Idol!” he shouted, “She is literally ten years younger than me! And I’m engaged!”
Idol shook his head. “That has yet to stop your machinations to lure me and Topaz into your bedroom.” He paused. “Nor has it stopped Cady’s.”
“Hey, Idol,” Shining began, “why are your eyes blue and why is your coat all black and shiny today?”
Topaz’s home held a rather unusual amalgamation of creatures that night. From changelings to bat ponies to princesses to Topaz, all sat around a long wooden table in the dining room. All present crowded around the center of the table so as to mitigate the deceptive length of it. On one side, Shining Armor and Princess Cadance sat. They both had decadent salads of greens, purples, pinks, and blacks. More of an art piece than a dish, it was a near shame when Cadance decided her own deserved death. Across the narrow divide was Topaz Showers and Idol Hooves. Mothchaser had an empty seat between her and Idol, at his fervent request. Viridian Virga was to the right of Topaz. While the two meat eaters at the table did, in fact, eat meat mixed into their salads, Viridian and Topaz dined on hearty pastas and bolognese, respectively.
Why they were eating together was anyone’s guess. Most likely, it was due to the fact that Mothchaser had decided to invite herself into Idol’s house using a copy of his house key she had forged. When Mothchaser did it, it’s endearing, not creepy. Everypony else just let themselves in through the unlocked door. Topaz decided it was better for her sanity to let it slide and just pretend the dinner was planned for.
Most strange of all, however, was that Idol Hooves was not disguised as Idol Hooves. Since the moment he entered the hall, only black chitin and blue eyes could be seen. For some reason, nopony had as of yet paid this any mind. Well, except for Shining Armor. At his words, every creature in the room ceased munching, deciding instead to stare blankly at the both of them. Idol and Shining, too, stared each other down.
That was, until Idol broke the silence with: “Topaz hits me.”
Unsurprisingly, Topaz broke down into a coughing fit, thumping a hoof on the table. Eventually getting her lungs under control, she turned to Idol with an angry glare. “Oh my Faust, Idol!”
“That seems legit,” Shining nodded. Mothchaser took the opportunity to disregard the theoretical pillow between her and Idol and began breathing heavily on his neck.
Cadance nodded as well. “We all sort of suspected.”
“I hate you all,” was Topaz’s response as her glare transferred to everyone who had spoken.
Shining shrugged. “I mean, what kind of mare is into bugs?”
Topaz screamed aloud and threw her hooves in Idol’s direction, her bolognese forgotten. “He’s a bug!”
Cadance leaned over the table to reach Idol, knocking her salad onto the floor as she did so. She covered Idol’s very prominent earfins. “Rude.” She quickly retreated back to her side of the pond.
Mothchaser, having almost licked Idol’s neck, leaned somehow even closer and licked her lips. “I can hit you too, if you’d like that,” she whispered.
Idol stood stock still. “I now feel very uncomfortable,” he intoned.
“Honestly, Topaz, I thought I raised you better than that,” Viridian said, shaking her head, “Idol is such a perfect and normal gentlecolt.”
“The most normal, in fact,” Idol easily agreed. Topaz said nothing as she began removing each piece of his armor, humming all the while.
Shining nodded again. “The most normal. Ever. Of all time.” Idol’s helmet was the first thing to come off, followed shortly by his greaves.
Cadance looked thoughtfully at the changeling. “I dare say Idol is the mirror image of what every stallion in Canterlot aspires to be.”
As soon as the last piece of Idol’s armor was removed, it was as if everyone in the room saw his true form for the first time.
Gasping dramatically, Veridian stared in horror. “Oh Celestia, Topaz!” she exclaimed, “what did you do to the poor stallion?”
Idol hung his head in faux sadness and sniffled pitifully. “She takes my armor off first, so that I may feel her administrations more thoroughly.”
Topaz slumped to the floor as her plan horribly backfired. “Seriously, I hate you all.”
“She hits hard enough to crack my chitin regardless,” Idol continued, unabated.
“Oh, your poor skin and fur!” Again, Cadance reached across the table and knocked her salad to the floor. Pulling Idol into a bear hug, she dragged his body across the wooden surface and rubbed his back.
“Yes,” Idol replied, allowing himself to be marehandled, “those are things that I have.”
Topaz practically sank into the floor as she began mumbling to herself. “No wonder nopony but Idol could tell you were kidnapped; you’re all idiots.”
Shining tapped his chin thoughtfully. “You know, these injuries would explain a lot of strange behavior. Not understanding common phrases, jumping off bridges, eating meat…” He trailed off. Cadance hummed her agreement. “...shape-shifting.”
Topaz screamed and slammed her face onto the floor.
Once again, under the guise of night, changelings infiltrated Canterlot Castle. Plans were planned and schemes were schemed — all nefarious, of course — by the invaders. Or, more accurately, invader. Even still, this nefarious, scheming invader was role-playing. Worse yet, in a board game. Downright chilling.
This disturbing scene took place in the heart of the castle: the dining room. Shining Armor and Bold Bigflank bravely defended against the bug, holding their ground the best they could. Unfortunately, said bug had also taken their landlady, Topaz Showers, hostage. As a result, both protectors were far too cautious to elevate tensions further and had instead deigned to dine with the changeling over an intense game of Ogres and Oubliettes.
A cardboard barricade was set up on Shining’s side of the large wooden table, blocking enemies from seeing the tools of war and role-playing behind it. Near to Shining was Bold, bringing up the rear as a pegasus bard. On the other side of the table, Idol was playing as a unicorn solar angel, leaning conspicuously close to Topaz. Topaz was unsurprisingly a changeling mage.
“The train rolls up to the station,” Shining described. Everyone was quiet as they took in this vital piece of information.
Eventually, Topaz spoke up. “This train,” she began, “what color is it?”
Unsure, Shining looked down at his hidden materials. “Um, it’s pink with red hearts on it.”
“How far away is it?” Idol asked.
Shining quickly answered, “About fifty hooves.”
Idol nodded. “And how big is it?”
Both stallions stared at him in confusion before Shining hesitantly answered, “The engine is around thirty hooves long. The train itself is probably two-hundred-fifty.”
“I use my sword on it to detect good.”
Topaz heaved a sigh and rested her head on the table.
“It’s not good, Idol. It’s a train,” Shining slowly replied.
“I call out to it.”
Bold murmured quietly, “No, you don’t.”
Shining glared at Idol. “It. Won’t. Answer. It’s a train.”
Idol rubbed his chin. “I sheathe my sword and draw a bow. Does it respond in any way?”
Shining grit his teeth, creating audible grinding noises. “No, Idol. It’s a train.”
“Then I shoot it with my bow and roll to hit.”
Shining begrudgingly rolled a pair of dice. He sighed in defeat upon seeing the result.
“What happened?” Idol inquired.
The unicorn shook his head. “There is now a train with an arrow sticking out of it. Ponies boarding the train are giving you very odd looks.”
Idol only stared in confusion. “Was it not wounded?”
“Of course not, Idol! It’s a train!” Bold shouted, getting out of his seat.
The changeling gulped, visibly sweating. He wrung his hooves together. “But that was a plus-three arrow!”
Shining stood up as well, slamming his hooves on the table. The cardboard barrier fell over. “It’s a train, Idol, a train! If you really want to destroy it, you could try to get some explosives, but I don’t know why anypony would even try! It’s a bucking train!”
He breathed deeply and extended a hoof from his chest in a placating motion.
“I run away,” Idol eventually responded, meekly.
Again, Shining slammed his hooves on the table. A splintering sound and a sharp crack echoed around the room, but he paid it no mind. “It’s too late!” he exclaimed, manically, “You’ve awakened the train and it eats you!”
Despite having just died, Idol pumped a hoof in the air. “Hah! I knew it!”
Still with her head on the table, Topaz groaned. “Nice job, DM. He’ll be impossible now.”
Topaz’s home was rather unremarkable. Perhaps too unremarkable. So unremarkable that some ponies may have suspected she was hiding something. However, it was only a coincidence that she frequently hid several princesses, the Captain of the Royal Guard, at least three changelings, and several other interesting characters. As it was, Topaz simply didn’t spend much time decorating the outside of the house.
Today was not so unusual for her. In her living room, two couches faced each other with a small table in-between. A smaller chair was situated near an unoccupied side of the table, with a roaring fireplace on the other. Laid across the table’s surface were a large variety of snacks and drinks, meant to service a rather varied crowd.
On the larger couch, to the left of the fireplace, sat Twilight Sparkle, Shining Armor, and Cadance. She only has the one name — shush. Idol Hooves, Topaz Showers, and Thorax were on the other. The small chair only held one occupant: Viridian Virga.
“Sorry, but I can’t make it to game night tonight,” Shining said. “Getting married to a princess means I have to get my finances in order and go through an audit first.”
Idol placed a half finished mug of hot chocolate onto the table. “Sounds taxing,” he replied flatly.
Thorax snorted, but it was mostly muffled by the food in his mouth. “Taxes are taxing.”
Topaz raised a hoof. “It’s more the auditory issue I’m curious about.”
“Just don’t give them more credit than is due,” inserted Cadance, apparently deciding Shining needed just a little more pain in his life.
Shaking his head from the betrayal, Shining glanced at Thorax. “Since when do you make tax jokes?” he asked.
Thorax shrugged. “I pay taxes, too.”
“Do you?”
Viridian stood up suddenly, knocking an empty bowl from her lap to the floor. “Boo!” she shouted.
Everyone but Topaz and Idol jumped. Flatly, Idol said to Viridian, “You should avoid the topic of finance at gatherings. There is generally a great lack of interest.”
Viridian, having just sat down, jumped up again. “Boo!” she repeated, then paused for undramatic effect. “With compound disinterest!” she finished. Shining buried his head in his hooves.
Twilight looked between the two creatures that had just spoken. She clearly did not get any of the jokes. “Idol, how do you feel about compound interests?” she asked curiously.
Shining spoke through his hooves, “He probably hates it: making more money by not spending any.”
Cadance smirked. “Taxmares hate Idol. A pony who spends so little yet lives so well within his means simply must be up to something.”
Ignoring the pair, Twilight continued, “Do you get tax benefits for being a guard?”
“He is considered a vital service to the kingdom,” replied Cadance.
There was a long pause as everyone in the room considered the information.
Finally, Idol spoke up, “I firmly believe in giving to Her Highness that which is Her’s.”
There was another equally long pause as everyone took the moment to not be surprised.
Viridian asked, “So, everything under the sun?”
“Auntie, on the other hoof,” Cadance began, looking at Idol, “firmly believes Idol is overzealous in his support of her.”
Topaz rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Well, you could always pay off other ponies’ tax debts if you were so inclined.”
For the third time this week, Idol sat before Celestia, hoofcuffed to a cold metal table. Idol was the one hoofcuffed, not Celestia. Obviously. As was customary, a bright light was pointing at him at a most uncomfortable angle. Celestia’s head was in her hooves, as was also customary.
Idol, for his part, appeared obliviously to the trouble he was in, instead candidly recounting his tale. “And that is the story of how I became involved in a money laundering scheme,” he finished.
