“Self-harm” is a misnomer. Sunset Shimmer and Wallflower Blush are learning this the hard way. Both are wondering how they got here. Neither are sure how to stop.
“Self-harm” is a misnomer. Sunset Shimmer and Wallflower Blush are learning this the hard way. Both are wondering how they got here. Neither are sure how to stop.
She barged into the bathroom, nearly tripping over the threshold. She went straight to the vanity, bottom drawer on the right. Under the first aid supplies, carefully hidden in the back. She reached her arm in and grabbed hold of one of the little boxes and pulled it out. She opened it and stopped short.
Sunset turned to herself in the mirror. “What are you doing?” she asked, “This isn't you.”
Her body didn't answer, but cried out: “Do it!”
Sunset yelled. She was no longer in control. She took out a little item wrapped in paper, casting the rest aside.
She removed the paper and placed the razor to her wrist.
She held her breath.
She wanted to stop. She wanted to cry for help. But, she was alone. No one would hear her.
This was all she had.
“Wallflower, please,” she pleaded.
She gritted her teeth; she pressed the razor into her flesh.
Almost immediately, she yelped in pain. But her body cried out for more.
Inhaling sharply through her teeth, Sunset pressed the blade further and pulled it down her forearm.
She cried out again, dropping the razor to the floor, she grabbed her bleeding arm, though in vain. Blood was already running down her hand, dripping onto the floor.
As she watched the puddle grow, her breathing leveled out. A calm began to come over her.
Maybe it was just the loss of blood, maybe it was the sudden drop in blood pressure.
Lightheadedness hit her and she crumpled to the floor, leaning against the vanity. Tilting her head back, she wondered how she came to this place.
It had started as a feeling, more a curiosity. A strange inclination, a temptation, an urge.
She had stood in the kitchen, a knife in one hand, red pepper in the other. Wallflower was to be coming home soon and Sunset wanted to have supper ready. The casserole had been baking way in the oven and all that was left had been the salad.
But Sunset stood, frozen, focused on the chef's knife. The sharpness of the blade, how it glistened.
What does it feel like?
Try it and find out.
Sunset snapped to attention. Where did that come from?
She jumped at another noise. Quickly, she turned to face it. Wallflower Blush was standing in the doorway, a wide smile on her lips.
“I'm home,” she had said before proceeding to remove her shoes and outerwear. “Smells good in here. Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah,” Sunset smiled, “just a little tired.” Her smile widened as she locked lips with Wallflower.
“Well,” said Wallflower, taking the knife, “seems you've done enough work. Take a little break and I'll finish the salad.”
“If you don't mind. I only have the peppers left. You want a drink? How was class?”
“Class was okay. And I'll just have water for now.”
Sunset grabbed two glasses from the cupboard and filled both with ice and water. “Learn anything interesting?”
“Not really. Just preparing for our exam next week. How big do you want these pieces?”
“That's good.” Sunset made a quick check on the casserole. “What about your other classes?”
“Same. It's all finals. Afraid I may pull a few all-nighters in the next few days.”
Sunset gave a sly look. “That's fine,” she said, “so long as you let me help you relax later.”
“After, you will have my undivided attention.” She threw the chopped peppers into the salad. “How much longer till dinner?”
Sunset looked at the timer. “Just under five minutes.”
---
Sunset loaded the dishwasher. Behind her, she could hear Wallflower walking up with the dishes from the table. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw plates being set on the counter. She smiled slightly as arms wrapped around her waist. She could feel a head being pressed into her back.
“Seeing as we're both tired,” Wallflower said, “why not call it an early night?”
“Don't you have homework?”
“Nothing I can't get done before class. And,” she yawned, “I can do it better after a good night's rest.”
“Okay,” chuckled Sunset, “I suppose going to bed early would do us both a bit of good. Grab me a detergent pod.”
“Here. Can you take it from here? I want to take a shower.”
“Yeah, I'm just about done. Towels are in the dryer.” She smiled as Wallflower hugged her again, then watched as Wallflower sauntered toward the bedroom.
Sunset organized the rest of the dishware before making a final check around the kitchen. She soon found she had missed an item.
Picking up the chef's knife, she examined it.
What had happened earlier? Was it just a fleeting curiosity? Could it ever come back?
She looked at the blade; its fine edge. There was a certain allure to it. A certain danger she found exciting.
She knew what it was like to cut herself. The pain was not unknown. She'd done it several times, though never deliberately. Though a careless slip of a knife or a misplaced finger was far different from purposefully slashing one's own flesh.
She looked around, knowing full-well Wallflower was still in the shower. Still, didn't hurt to make sure.
Her heart quickened as she laid the knife upon her forearm. Her breathing deepened.
Slowly, she let the blade glide across her skin. It tingled. Reapplying the knife, she tried again. It was the weirdest sensation. She went again, running in a different direction.
The blade sang as it danced on her skin.
Did it really sing? Sunset listened more closely. The blade was definitely making some sort of high-pitched zing!
Maybe not a “zing”. It reminded Sunset of a bow passing over a string.
Perhaps that was it.
Sunset looked at her arm. She hadn't broken any skin, but she could feel the trace of each pass of the knife. She turned her arm over, examining both sides.
Satisfied with her experiment, Sunset threw the knife into the dishwasher and started it.
---
The bathroom was still filled with steam when Sunset entered it. She wiped the mirror with the hand towel, it fogged up again almost immediately. Admitting defeat, Sunset grabbed her toothbrush.
The sound of bristles on teeth filling the air, her mind wandered back to the kitchen, to the chef's knife. Her forearm still tingled slightly. Sunset took another look at it. Her skin was still intact. She thought maybe she had cut the uppermost layer. But, she found no such evidence.
Still, she wondered what had possessed her to do it. Further, the fact she had given in to the temptation scared her.
But, where were these feelings coming from?
She spat into the sink, rinsing first with a bit of water before taking a swig of mouthwash.
Spitting her wash into the sink, wiping her mouth with a piece of tissue. She threw it and the cup into the trash. A pong! then the sound of something bouncing rapidly on the tile.
Sunset sighed—she'd missed the basket. Bending over, she searched for where the little disposable cup had landed. She found it about a foot away, slightly under the sink vanity.
With the cup where it belonged, Sunset set to putting her things away. Only for a careless swipe to send a precariously placed tube of toothpaste over the edge, and directly into the trash can.
Sunset sighed again and proceeded to retrieve her toothpaste. Almost brand new, its weight had sent it directly to the bottom. Sunset had to dig a bit before she could lay eyes on it. Though, in rummaging around, more than just the toothpaste caught her eye.
Perplexed, she removed the crumpled pieces of tissue. Cautiously, she unfolded a wad. Peering inside, her stomach wrenched.
Blood. Fairly fresh, by the look of it.
“You okay in there, Sunset?” came a voice from the bedroom.
Sunset slowly stood up and opened the door. Wallflower was sitting on the bed, her face quickly turning to concern to match Sunset's expression.
“Is something wrong?”
“Are you bleeding?” Sunset asked.
“What?” her eyes fell on the tissues in Sunset's hand, “Oh, no! Well not anymore. I nicked myself while shaving.” She raised a portion of her pajama pants to show a small bandage upon her leg. “You sure you're okay?” She began to rise from the bed, “Sunset? You're looking pale.”
“I...” Sunset began, “I don't know.” She jumped slightly as Wallflower took the tissues from her hand.
“Well,” she smiled, walking into the bathroom, “let's put these back where they belong. What were you doing digging in the trash anyway?”
“I dropped my toothpaste.”
“Did you get it out? No, wait, here it is.” Wallflower placed the tube back on the counter before walking out the bathroom, grabbing Sunset as she did so. “Come on,” she said, pulling Sunset toward the bed, “you seem extremely tired tonight.”
“Yeah,” Sunset said, falling on the mattress, “maybe you're right.”
“You know I'm right.” She joined Sunset under the covers, snuggling tightly to her body.
Sunset smiled at the closeness. She moved her arms around Wallflower. “Maybe, we can have a nice, big breakfast in the morning.”
Wallflower let out a yawn. “Yeah, that sounds good.” She snuggled her face into Sunset's shoulder and quickly fell silent.
Sunset laid awake, listening to Wallflower's gentle breathing. Her mind a wash with thoughts.
What had happened earlier in the kitchen? Where did those thoughts come from? Why was she feeling them?
It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before--anything she'd felt before.
Sure, Sunset had had her lows before, but this felt different. This felt new.
Why had she done that? Would she have actually done it?
It made no sense.
And yet, now, the feeling seemed gone. All urges seem to have faded. Her mind seemed clear.
She took in a deep breath, which turned into a yawn.
Maybe she was just tired. Maybe a good night's sleep was all she needed.
She adjusted her pillow slightly, careful not to disturb Wallflower and fell fast asleep.
Sunset entered the kitchen with a yawn. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she saw Wallflower at the table, deep into last-minute homework. “Good morning,” she mumbled.
“Morning,” Wallflower said. She pointed to the counter. “I made coffee.”
“I love you,” Sunset said as she grabbed a mug, “What do you want for breakfast?”
“Been feeling eggs this morning.”
Sunset opened the fridge. “Any particular way?”
“However you want to prepare them. I think we have some potatoes left from the other night.”
Sunset hummed as she rummaged through the refrigerator. “Potatoes, check. And we also have some mushrooms... Yeah, think I can do something.” She took an armful of ingredients and set up shop at the stove. “You been up long?”
“About an hour," Wallflower stretched, "Tried not to wake you, not that it was needed. You were dead to the world.”
“Huh,” Sunset chuckled, “maybe a bit of a good night's sleep was all I needed. So, any plans for tomorrow?”
“Study.”
“All day?”
“Yep.”
“Sunday, too?”
“I have exams Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I'll probably crash and sleep Thursday and Friday. We can plan something for next Saturday.”
“Okay,” Sunset acquiesced, “I'm gonna hold ya to that.” She whisked the eggs, keeping a mindful eye on a sauteing skillet. “Are you going to want toast?”
“Only if you want some.”
Sunset checked the breadbox. “All we've got is three slices of rye.” She pulled out a slice and tapped it on the counter. “Think it's gone stale.”
“Was that the bread from the farmer's market?”
“Yeah,” Sunset threw the bread into the trash, “It doesn't keep very long. I see you took the trash out.”
“Yeah... noticed it was looking a little full. Shame about the bread. It is good.”
Sunset poured the egg mixture into a hot frying pan. “Yeah. Need to remember to add a half-loaf to our shopping list.”
“I think we're also low on butter.”
“How did you like that herb butter?”
“It was okay. Preferred the one with garlic.”
Sunset hummed as she added the filling to her omelet. “Yeah, that one's good, too. Just a bit too strong for me.” She sprinkled a handful of shredded mozzarella over the whole dish and folded it. She set on a lid to let it steam. “Were you wanting some orange juice?”
“No, I'll stick with coffee. When did we get the carrot juice?”
“Tuesday? Why?”
“Just wondering. I mistook it for orange juice the other day.”
“Oh...” Sunset giggled, “Oops...” She lifted the lid of the frying pan and peered in. The cheese looked perfectly melted. Removing the pan from the heat, Sunset cut the omelet in half before plating. As she brought it to the table, Wallflower was just packing up.
“Smells good,” she smiled.
Sunset checked the time. “We better hurry, if we're gonna beat the traffic.”
Wallflower concurred, her mouth full of omelet. “Will you be able to pick me up?”
“I think so. I'll text you if anything changes.”
---
She stood in the kitchen, knife in one hand, tuna in the other. Each precision stroke separated the flesh into smaller and smaller pieces. She organized the cuts into piles before moving onto the next tuna loin.
She studied herself with anxious anticipation.
Would those urges come back? Or had last night satiated her curiosity?
She paused for a moment to examine her knife. The long, sleek yanagi blade seemed normal. No strange thoughts floated through her mind.
And yet...
“Everything okay, Sunset?”
Sunset jumped slightly, pulled from her thoughts. “Uh, yes,” she smiled, composing herself.
“Then, let's keep moving, shall we?”
“Right!” Sunset thumbed up as her supervisor walked away. She felt like such an anime nerd. Not that her environment didn't have anything to do with it.
As line cook in a heavily-themed Asian fusion restaurant, one couldn't help but feel like they were in an anime. The uniforms were of no help either.
Sunset broke down the last of the tuna loins and cleaned her station. Taking stock of the current situation of things, she set off to prepare for her next tasks. Leaving the walk-in, she nearly walked into another co-worker.
“You seem a bit off today,” he said, helping Sunset steady herself, “I mean more than usual. Having girlfriend problems?”
Sunset shrugged, “Not really. She has finals next week. She's just a bit stressed.”
“Ah...”
“Ah?” Sunset frowned, “What 'ah'?”
“If Wallflower is sending out some serious stress vibes, then an empath like you would easily pick up on it.” He pointed to the geode hanging around Sunset's neck. “Don't worry,” he winked, “your secret's safe with me.”
“I don't think it's really much of a secret at this point... Besides, the magic doesn't work that way.”
“Are you sure?”
Sunset frowned, “Remind me again who is a magical unicorn from another dimension?”
“But you, yourself, admitted that the magic works differently here. All I'm saying is—”
“Enough, Wasabi,” Sunset snapped, “I'm just worried for Wallflower, that's all. Now, is the rice ready?”
“Yes. I was just about to get started on chopping vegetables.”
He darted into the walk-in, leaving Sunset alone with her thoughts.
---
Sunset leaned back against the apartment door, exhausted. But, there wasn't much time to rest.
She checked the time. Just enough for a quick shower and, maybe, get dinner started. She could get everything chopped before she had to go pick up Wallflower.
Her game plan in place, Sunset began stripping off her work uniform, throwing it into the washing machine as she passed. She'd have to also have to remember to start the laundry before she left.
---
Sunset stepped out of the shower and checked her phone.
Still on time.
She wrapped a towel around herself and moved to the bedroom. Grabbing a clean shirt and jeans, she quickly dressed.
No time to dry her hair, she did her best to towel dry.
She checked the time again. Still doing good. Maybe not enough time to do any actual cooking, but at least, do some staging.
She set out a cutting board and laid the chef's knife next to it. Next, a bowl for mixing.
Sunset pulled the leftover green bean casserole from the fridge and set it on the counter. They had eaten most the garden salad the night before and Wallflower had taken what little was left for her lunch.
Sunset dug out some cucumbers and tomatoes from the crisper. They would make for a quick, refreshing salad.
By now, it was time to go. Sunset hastily threw on socks and boots, only running into the bedroom to grab her jacket.
On the way out, she passed the phone. Why she paid attention to it, she never fully knew. It had been a stipulation by Wallflower's grandmother when she offered to cover the rent. Neither girl was willing to explain to the old lady that, in the unlikely event cell service was down, they could use their phones over the WiFi. And, if the WiFi was down, then most likely the phone lines were, too, and well, then, they were all screwed.
As a result, neither Sunset or Wallflower ever used the landline and had grown to detest it as it seemed to only attract telemarketers and robo-callers.
Still, Sunset stopped to see who was the missed call.
In a rare instance, it was a number she recognized. No time to listen to the message, she replaced the phone on the base and ran out the door.
---
Sunset sat in the car parked outside the biology building.
“Was it really possible?” she wondered, “Could I really be subconsciously picking up Wallflower's feelings?” She began to recount her day. Never once had her urges surfaced.
Maybe she was picking them up from someone else.
Maybe they were her own, but she was just too busy to notice.
She growled in frustration. “You're impossible!”
“Who is?”
Sunset jumped. She'd been so busy in her own mind, she hadn't realized Wallflower had entered the car.
“N-nothing,” she stammered, starting the car, “You have a good day?”
Wallflower shrugged, “I suppose. We're really getting down to crunch-time. Some of us are meeting at the library tomorrow to study.”
“Don't worry about it,” Sunset smiled, “You'll do fine. You're great with plants.”
“It's not the plants I'm worried about. It's all the other stuff. All this Latin is infuriating!” She huffed. “What?”
“What 'what'?”
“That look on your face.”
“What look?”
“That look! The one you make just before you're about to say something about your life in Equestria.”
Sunset frowned, “I make a face?”
“Just spit it out.”
“Well,” Sunset said, “when I was Princess Celestia's student—”
“Here we go,” Wallflower smirked, crossing her arms.
Sunset shot her a glare. “When I was Princess Celestia's student, I had to learn the names and pronunciations of many spells. Not just to know what they were, but also to perform them.”
“So, what you're saying is—?”
“Let me help you. I'd developed various tricks, I'm sure they'll also work for you. C'mon, wouldn't be the first time I've helped you study for a big test.”
“Well," Wallflower hmm'd and haw'ed, "I suppose you could... How's your Latin?”
“That depends. Is it anything like Old Ponish?”
---
She stood in the kitchen, knife in one hand, tomato in the other. Her hands moved with expert precision as she sliced and diced each fruit.
Behind her, the clinking and clanking of dishes as they were being placed on the table.
Sunset bit her lip. She'd been wanting to tell Wallflower about the phone call, but wasn't quite sure how to bring it up. She knew Wallflower already had enough on her plate, she didn't need any more.
“Your mother called.” Sunset wanted to cover her mouth. She hadn't meant to blurt it out.
“What?”
“She called,” Sunset said softly, “On the house phone.”
“What did she want?”
Sunset wasn't too sure about Wallflower's tone of voice. “I don't know. I didn't have time to hear the message. I only noticed it while on my way to get you.”
Her attention remained on her work, but from the corner of her eye, she saw Wallflower move toward the cordless phone. She watched as Wallflower pressed the “play” button.
“You have one new message,” the machine began, “and seven hundred twenty-one old messages.”
“We really need to clean that thing,” Sunset said.
Sunset turned around in shock, “You're not gonna listen to the message?”
Wallflower shrugged, “Why?”
“Well, she is your mom. Don't you want to hear what she has to say?”
“Not really.”
Sunset looked at Wallflower, confused.
“It's not like she's really much of a mom. You know she only calls when me AA tells her to.”
“Maybe it's different this time.”
“I used to think that. But she never changes.”
“That doesn't mean you should keep her out.”
“She's the one who left.”
“But, still—”
“Look,” Wallflower snapped, “only because you're an orphan and never knew your parents, I don't expect you to understand. But, sometimes, having parents is worse than having no parents.”
Sunset recoiled. That had stung.
She set down the knife and breathed deeply.
She knew Wallflower didn't mean it. Didn't make the words hurt any less.
“I'm sorry,” she heard Wallflower say, “I'm gonna go take a shower.”
Sunset stood alone, silent.
She hadn't felt this pain in a long time. There were days she felt sad about not having parents. But, this felt at a deeper level—a stronger pain.
Her thoughts turned to the blade.
Pain, suffering. It wasn't enough they were emotional, they needed to be physical as well.
Slowly, she gripped the kitchen knife. Without thought, she brought it to her forearm, near the crook of her elbow, and drew it across.
It stung.
She yelped, grabbing her arm; the knife clattered on the floor. Her eyes stung with welled tears, her body seethed with pain.
Looking down, she saw blood seeping through her fingers.
She grabbed for some paper towels and crumpled to the floor.
She pulled off a few sheets and applied them to her wound. There, she waited for her body to respond.
Already, she felt the body's defense and coping mechanisms taking effect. A cool and calm began to flow over her.
She leaned her head back against the cabinets.
So, this is what it feels like...
Sunset waited a few minutes before checking on her wound. Slowly, she removed the paper towel bandage.
The bleeding had stopped and the wound begun to scab. She cautiously examined it.
She hadn't cut very deep—was merely a flesh wound.
It still stung.
Sunset slowly rose to her feet. No point sitting on the floor. Best to keep moving.
She set the oven to warm and picked the knife off the floor, hand-washing it before putting it into the dishwasher.
She looked down at her arm. She would need more than a paper towel bandage for that. But, their first aid stuff was in the bathroom. She would have to wait for Wallflower to be done with her shower before she could tend to her wound.
Sunset sat on the bed, facing the bathroom door, lost in her thoughts.
The bathroom door opened, and she looked up to see Wallflower wrapped in a bath towel.
“Hey,” Sunset said, softly.
“Hey,” Wallflower replied, “Sunset, I—”
Sunset raised her hand. “I know you really didn't mean it.” She sighed. “You're right. I may never understand. Unlike Applejack, I don't have the memories to rely on, or the extended family to help fill in the details.
“There's just me. And those I chose to make my family.”
Wallflower remained silent.
“Just as there are things I may not understand. There are things that you don't either.”
“Maybe," Wallflower teetered, "we can try to make each other understand.”
Sunset smiled slightly. “Yeah,” she said, “I'd like that.” She arose from the bed. “Now, if you're done in there, I need to use the bathroom.” She kissed Wallflower as she passed. “I love how you smell after a shower.”
Wallflower blushed as she moved into the bedroom. The cuteness of the girl made Sunset smile.
“The casserole is still in the oven, if you're hungry.”
Sunset shut the door and locked it. She opened the bottom right-hand drawer of the vanity and rolled up her sleeve.
The cut on her arm was still raw and tender. But, now Sunset had the tools to make it better.
She pulled out the antiseptic and some rolled bandages. She suppressed a scream as the antiseptic did its work. Her wound thoroughly cleaned, Sunset unrolled part of the bandage and wrapped it around her forearm.
It didn't look tidy, but Sunset figured she wouldn't be wearing it for long. The problem now was coming up with a cover story for anyone who would ask.
Sunset cleaned up her mess and packed the items back into the drawer.
Something struck her odd about it, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it. But, something caught her attention and made her start to dig through the drawer.
At the very back, she found two boxes that begged her for investigation. She pulled them out and examined them. They were two boxes of replacement razors—one old, one new. Opening, she saw that one had used razors the other unused. Neither was full.
Sunset found it odd that they should be so hidden. Furthermore, who could possibly need that many razors?
An uneasy feeling began to settle in her gut. With dread, she dove into the trash can. Very quickly, she found that which she feared—crumpled tissues soaked with fresh blood.
Sunset's heart sank.
Wallflower, why?
Suddenly, the pieces began to fall into place. The little things started to make sense.
Why Wallflower was almost always wearing long sleeves. Why she never wore just a swimsuit.
Why she was unwilling to take their relationship all the way.
Sunset had gone along with it, thinking Wallflower was just modest. Thinking she wanted to save some things for marriage.
She didn't think Wallflower was trying to hide something. That she had been mutilating herself this whole time and no one noticed.
A guilt fell over Sunset. Maybe the others didn't notice. But, she was Wallflower's girlfriend. She should have noticed.
Sunset repacked the drawer and, after an actual use of the bathroom, returned to the kitchen. She stopped short when she met Wallflower with a smile and two small plates of food.
“Best not to go to bed on an empty stomach,” Wallflower said.
Sunset smiled slightly, though her heart ached for her girlfriend. “I suppose I'll get the drinks.”
---
Sunset laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Wallflower had long fallen asleep, nestled happily on Sunset's shoulder.
Now, Sunset was alone with the dark, the silence, and her thoughts.
“You know you can talk to me,” she had said, “You can tell me anything.”
Words she had spoken so often now sounded so disingenuous. She looked at her bandaged forearm.
"Hypocrite," she cursed.
She should have opened a dialogue with Wallflower. At least let her know that she knew.
Maybe then something could be done. Maybe they could see about getting her help.
But, how could Sunset begin to talk to Wallflower if she, herself, was afraid and unwilling come clean?
She should have spearheaded the conversation. Let Wallflower know the feelings she had been feeling. The thoughts that had plagued her mind. The action she had given in to.
Yet, she knew it was best to let Wallflower do things in her own time.
Sunset just prayed that when the time came, it wouldn't be too late.
Applejack looked at the geode, then back at Sunset Shimmer. “May I ask: Why me, exactly?”
“Because you live the furthest away.”
Applejack's face still read of confusion, but she relented. She held out her hand. “Fine, I'll keep it for ya as long as ya like.”
Sunset dropped the geode into the farmer's hands. “Thanks, Applejack.”
“Don't ya go thankin' me yet. First sign of Equestrian magic trouble an'—”
Sunset held up her hands, “I know, I know. Now, I gotta get going. Thanks again.”
“What did I jus' say?” Applejack warned.
---
Sunset breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped into the kitchen. Her geode was safely far away with Applejack and Wallflower was at the opposite end of town with her study group at the university library.
And here was Sunset, out of reach of everything. Nothing to influence her thoughts.
“See ya ditched the necklace.”
“Good morning to you, too, Wasabi,” Sunset grinned, “And it's not a necklace.”
“Whatever,” Wasabi waved, “So, girlfriend issues sorted out yet?”
“Like I would let you know.”
Wasabi looked hurt. “Oh, come on, I tell you all about me and Kimchi.”
“... and I don't listen to half of it.”
“You really know how to hurt a boy.”
“Which is why I date girls," Sunset joked, "Is my rice ready yet?”
Wasabi nodded. “In the warmer.”
---
Sunset placed the sushi platter on the shelf. “Pick-up! Twenty-eight!” she called. She stepped back and stretched.
The lunch crowd was beginning to thin and she would soon be able to take a quick break. Moving around some, she took stock of her ingredients. She was almost out of everything.
Seeing her opportunity, she made her way to the walk-in refrigerator, glancing at her phone as she did so.
No texts from Wallflower.
“She must be in deep studying.”
“Still worried about Wallflower, I see.”
Sunset sighed. Not now, Wasabi.
“She's just stressed. I told you, she has finals next week.”
“Yes, yes, but you know what a gossip glutton I am. What else?”
Sunset just rolled her eyes and walked off.
“Fine, be that way. But, did you know?” Wasabi's voice fell to a whisper, “Paddy Cake is leaving us for that new Indian place that opened downtown.”
“Good for him,” Sunset thought.
---
It was late when Sunset pulled into the apartment parking lot. Wallflower still hadn't texted her. Though Sunset thought it odd, it wasn't completely unheard of. When extremely busy, neither girl would glance at their messages, much less their phones.
Sunset had barely sent out any messages. None of any significance, just general “Thinking of you” notices.
She had hoped Wallflower had a semblance of an idea for dinner.
She'd only given the matter a small thought.
After a full day of rolling sushi, the last thing Sunset wanted to eat was any sort of East Asian cuisine.
Maybe a deep dish pizza, or lasagna.
Or... the idea seemed to hit her: Indian.
Ever since Rarity first took them to the Tasty Treat, Sunset had developed a taste for Indian food. The problem was there weren't too many restaurants in the area.
The more she thought of it, the greater the idea sounded, the more she could taste the spices with her mind. In fact, she could have sworn she smelled it a she opened the apartment door.
She took in a deep breath: “Something smells good in here.”
“Should hope so,” Wallflower was standing in the kitchen. By the looks of it, she was in the midst of setting the table. “Got us some paneer tikka masala and a vegetable curry.”
The smile faded from Sunset's face. What the hay?
“Is something wrong?” asked Wallflower.
Sunset blinked. “What? No. Just...” she chuckled awkwardly, “I was also thinking of Indian food.”
“Huh... We must be on a similar wavelength, or something.”
“Yeah...” Sunset laughed. She was relieved when Wallflower joined in.
“Well, my little sushi roll,” Wallflower said, “go get out of those clothes and we'll eat.”
---
“Already? Wow, that was fast.”
“No! It's worse than I thought!” Sunset glanced at the bathroom door. Wallflower was still inside getting ready for bed. “I don't know if I can keep it on this side anymore,” she typed, “I'm going to give it to Princess Twilight to hold.”
“Ya really think that'll work?”
“I have no other option.”
“What does Wallflower think of all this?”
“I haven't talked to her yet. I don't want to bog her down any more. She's stressed enough about these exams.”
“But you will talk to her?”
“Yes, AFTER her exams.”
“Well, if yer gonna come to pick it up, ya better come soon. I'm headed over to Cousin Goldie's. She's having kittens.”
“You mean one of her cats is having kittens(?)”
“That's what I said.”
Sunset thought it best not to press further into that issue. “Okay,” she texted, “I'll stop by tomorrow morning.”
“I don't know of any other way,” Sunset had replied.
Applejack shrugged, “If ya say so.”
“I do,” Sunset had said rather sternly. She stood uneasy, but she had one more request for her friend. “Applejack,” she said softly, “if anything happens to me, please see to it that Wallflower gets the help she needs.”
“Uh, sure, Sunset. But—”
“No buts.”
“I was about to say you should really talk to someone about this. I don't know what's goin' on, but it's really got ya spooked.”
“Spooked” was an understatement. Sunset was terrified.
And, as much as she wanted to tell someone, she couldn't without also outing Wallflower.
Until Wallflower was willing to talk, Sunset would just have to suffer along with her.
To make matters worse, as soon as she had returned to the apartment, Princess Twilight had informed her that the portal was down for maintenance and the part they needed wouldn't arrive till Wednesday.
Sunday, thankfully, had been uneventful. But, now, halfway through Monday, Sunset stood in anxious anticipation.
Even with her geode buried deep in a drawer at the apartment, Wallflower at school, and she at work, Sunset still was fearful.
Though, in this fear, she found her resolve. After Wallflower's exams, they would sit down and have a serious talk.
---
Sunset yawned as she trudged up the steps to the apartment. It had been a long day and dinner was murder. Putting her key in the lock, her thoughts lingered on bed.
“Ah,” she said, spying Wallflower camped on the sofa, “late night study session, I see.”
Wallflower gave a short laugh, “Yeah.”
“How were your other exams?”
“Pretty good I guess....”
“I suppose you'll be here all night.”
“Hope not. Would like to get some rest. Dinner's in the fridge, if you're hungry.”
“No, I grabbed something from work. Let me grab us a snack, though, and I'll help you study.” Sunset stopped halfway to the kitchen. “On second thought, let me change clothes, then grab us a snack.”
In the bedroom, Sunset went directly to the drawer of her bedside table. In a quick double-check, she noted that her geode was still there.
She breathed a short sigh of relief.
Changing out of her work uniform, Sunset returned to the kitchen. “Carrot sticks and celery good with you?”
“Yeah,” replied Wallflower.
Sunset smirked, Wallflower was obviously deep in her studying. She was about to get started when she heard a smack.
“Oh, dang!”
“Hm?” Sunset craned her neck to see Wallflower fiddling with her phone.
“I forgot to call my grandmother back.”
“You really need to do that tonight? It's already pretty late.”
Wallflower placed the phone to her ear. “It sounded really urgent.”
Sunset frowned slightly and returned to her snack-making. She tried to listen in on the conversation, but Wallflower's silence was indicative that her grandmother was doing all the talking.
After a prolonged moment of silence, Sunset peeked into the living room. Instantly, she could tell something was wrong.
“Wallflower?” she said gently, “Is everything okay?”
Wallflower didn't need to say anything. Her expression gave Sunset everything she needed to know.
She moved into the living room and sat next to Wallflower. She had finished her phone call and was seated solemnly.
“Wallflower?” Sunset said again, placing a hand on Wallflower's.
That got Wallflower's attention. She turned to face Sunset.
Sunset repeated her question. Though, she was surprised when Wallflower threw herself into her arms and wept.
---
Sunset tenderly stroked her sleeping girlfriend's hair. Wallflower had cried herself to exhaustion, never telling Sunset the reason. Though, Sunset figured she find out sooner or later. Right now, she knew she just had to be there for her girlfriend.
She stood in the kitchen, knife in one hand, red beet in the other. She removed its stems and rootlets and cleaned it up before setting it aside for grating.
Wallflower would be done with her exam soon and on the bus headed home. Sunset figured she had about an hour, but was in no hurry.
Wallflower, though, weighed heavily on her mind.
They had fallen asleep on the couch, but Wallflower had gotten up and left before Sunset awoke.
She had texted her throughout the day, though, she didn't expect Wallflower to respond.
Sunset tried to remain focused on her chopping. Still, she couldn't help but imagine what sort of pain Wallflower was going through.
She had never seen her girlfriend like this. She'd seen her happy; she'd seen her sad. This was more than sad. This was... Sunset struggled to put a word to it... distraught.
Sunset didn't think that was the exact word, but close enough.
There was certainly a pain behind it—a deep, remorseful pain. A pain that would not go away easily. One that would leave deep scars.
Sunset stopped; her heart leapt into her throat.
She hadn't been paying attention, but, somehow, her chef's knife had been set on her forearm—poised and ready to slice.
She dropped the knife and quickly backed away. “No,” she breathed, “Wallflower!”
Her thoughts turned to the razors in the bathroom vanity.
“No, please, Wallflower! Not that!”
The feeling grew stronger. Sunset felt compelled to obey it.
She had barged into the bathroom, nearly tripping over the threshold.
She had taken out the razors from the drawer.
She had lost.
And, now as all things began to fade away, she thought she could hear Wallflower's voice.
She put the key in the lock and turned it. The knob turned and the door swung freely open. She stopped. The apartment was deathly quiet.
Wallflower thought it quite odd. Sunset was usually home at this time and preparing dinner.
“Sunset?” she called into the apartment.
No answer.
“Maybe she went out,” Wallflower reasoned. It wasn't unusual for Sunset to realize she was missing an important ingredient and have to run out to get it. The beginning mess in the kitchen was evidence of that.
“Good,” she thought, dropping her book bag, “it's better if she's not here. Perhaps, it's best if I do it alone.”
She locked the door behind her and removed her jacket and shoes. She tried her best to put them neatly away. Last thing she wanted to do was to leave a mess for others to clean up.
She made her way to the bedroom, stopping once again when she noticed the bathroom door ajar and the light on.
“Sunset?” she called again. A knot started to form in her gut. Something was definitely not right.
Slowly she walked to the bathroom and pushed the door open. Her heart stopped when she laid eyes on the scene before her.
“Sunset?” she cried, “Sunset!” She quickly rushed to her girlfriend's side, checking for any signs of life. Sunset's breathing was shallow.
Wallflower searched for a pulse. She found one, but it was very weak. “Hang on, Sunset. Please!” She grabbed a towel and pressed it to the wound in attempt to stop the bleeding, holding the arm aloft as she did so. Reaching into the drawer, she pulled out the tape and wrapped the arm and towel together tightly.
“Stay with me, Sunset Shimmer,” she pleaded, as she pulled out her phone, “Please!”
---
Wallflower paced anxiously in the hospital waiting lounge. One question rattled her mind: Why?
Sunset wasn't the type of girl to cut herself. Why did she even start?
What is because of her? Had she driven Sunset to do this?
She slumped into a chair. So many questions, not an answer in sight.
Shouts drew her from her reverie.
Wallflower looked up. Three girls were running toward her.
“Wallflower!” Pinkie Pie called, “We came as soon as we heard. How is she? How are you?”
“I don't know,” Wallflower said meekly, “Doctors are working on her now. No one has said anything to me.”
Applejack rubbed her head. “I jus' don't git it. This ain't like Sunset at all.”
“She always looked so happy,” added Fluttershy.
“Looks can be deceiving,” Wallflower said softly. She stood at attention as a doctor came walking their way.
“You Sunset Shimmer's friends?” he asked.
“Yes!” Wallflower blurted, “I'm her girlfriend. How is she?”
The doctor sighed, “Stable, but she's lost a lot of blood. You're lucky to have found her when you did.”
“Has she regained consciousness?” asked Fluttershy.
“Not yet. I'm afraid it's touch-and-go until she does.”
“May we see her?” asked Wallflower.
The doctor nodded and directed them to follow him. He led them through the ER department to the small room where Sunset was laying.
Wallflower stopped short when she came to the door.
“May I have a quick word with you, Miss—?”
“Wallflower Blush.”
The doctor introduced himself as Doctor Heartly before continuing: “Miss Wallflower. You said you're Sunset's girlfriend. Are you two living together?”
“Yes.”
“So, you spend a lot of time together?”
“Between our work and school, yes. May I ask what this is about?”
“Forgive me, I'm trying to be as gentle as possible with this. But, has Sunset shown any suicidal tendencies? Any bouts of depression?”
Wallflower shook her head.
“Any unexplained or unusual cuts or marks?”
“No, Sunset's one of the most upbeat people I know! Believe me, doctor, this is a shock to all of us!”
Dr. Heartly sighed. “Yes, of course. My apologies. Please, go see your girlfriend. If you need anything, the nurse is just right outside.”
Wallflower thanked him before entering the room. What she saw made her heart sink.
Sunset Shimmer laid on the small bed, she looked barely alive. For a moment, Wallflower feared the worst. If not for the subtle rise and fall of Sunset's chest, one may have thought so.
Sunset's wounded arm had been freshly bandaged and IV fluid lines were attached to her other. Wallflower followed the tubes up to two bags—one of saline, the other of blood. The blood bag seemed to be half-empty. Wallflower wondered just how many bags they'd already gone through.
Slowly, she made her way to Sunset's good side, careful not to disturb the heart monitor that was on Sunset's finger.
Holding back her emotion, Wallflower took Sunset's hand and squeezed it.
“Please,” she whimpered, “come back to us. Come back to me. I don't know how I can live without you.” She tried so hard and was so good at keeping her composure. But, when someone laid a hand on her shoulder, Wallflower just lost it.
She didn't know who held her as she cried, but she knew Sunset would have wanted them to.
She cried till she was exhausted, and then she wept again.
When Wallflower woke up, she was seated in a chair with a blanket draped over her. Fluttershy and Twilight were gone. Only Applejack was still there.
Wallflower rubbed her eyes. She jolted slightly when someone touched her arm.
“Hey,” Applejack said gently, “ya seem pretty beat. Why don't ya go home and get some rest? Do ya have a ride?”
“But, Sunset...” Wallflower mumbled.
“Ya ain't no good to Sunset if yer like this.”
Slowly, Wallflower saw the reason and nodded. Applejack helped her to her feet and announced that she would be seeing Wallflower home.
Wallflower was of little mood to protest.
It was a quiet, somber ride to the apartment building. Wallflower stared out the window into the night sky, lost in her thoughts. No matter how she tried to arrange it, she couldn't wrap around any of the events of that evening.
Nothing made sense.
Suddenly, Sunset Shimmer was no longer a girl she knew—no longer the girlfriend she'd come to love.
She was pulled out her reverie by Applejack pulling in and parking the pickup truck in the visitor parking.
“Why are you parking?” she asked.
The farm girl grinned, “I'll be darned if Sunset ever finds out I took ya home and neglected ta do it proper.”
Wallflower blinked, “You're gonna walk me to my door?”
Applejack's grin widened, “Sure am!”
“I'm not getting out of this, am I?”
“Nope!”
Wallflower sighed. She was far too tired to argue. “Sunset sure has some good friends.”
“Hey now!” Applejack yelped, “Ya know that we're yer friends, too!”
---
She put the key in the lock and turned it. The knob turned and the door swung freely open. She stopped. The apartment was dark and deathly quiet.
Wallflower stood in the doorway. For once, the thought of stepping foot into the apartment sickened her. She didn't want to go in. She wanted to run away and never return.
But, Applejack was standing behind her, waiting for her to enter.
And something was calling to her. Something from deep inside the apartment was summoning her by name.
She knew what it was—and it disgusted her all the more.
“Uhm... everything okay, Wallflower?”
“Yes, sorry,” she turned to Applejack with a broad smile, “I'm just a little tired.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “More than 'jus' a little'.”
“Perhaps,” Wallflower giggled, “Well, you've done your duty and seen me home.”
“Yeah,” Applejack shuffled her feet, “I ain't so sure about that now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Be honest, Wallflower, you don't wanna go in thar, and, to be honest with ya, I don't rightfully blame you.”
“So, what are you proposing?”
“Why don't ya spend the night at my place? We've go the extra room and Granny can make a right breakfast in the mornin'”
Wallflower turned back to the apartment, unsure.
“C'mon, Wallflower,” Applejack pleaded, “Ya don't wanna stay here, least till we get the place cleaned up.”
Wallflower sighed. Applejack was right. No one would be able to live in the apartment for a while.
“Fine,” she said, turning on the apartment lights, “Let me pack a few things.” She took a few steps in, Applejack following close behind.
“Take yer time. I'll tidy up a bit out here.”
Wallflower looked around the living area. In the panic and the shuffle, some things had gotten tossed around. She looked to the kitchen where Applejack was already putting away the food that had been left out.
It wasn't right. Sunset should have been the one putting it all away.
Wallflower tried to pull herself away.
No, something was pulling her away.
“I'm going to take a shower.”
She could hear Applejack saying something, but she couldn't hear. She went to the bedroom and closed the door. She walked through the bedroom to the bathroom, turned on the light and stopped.
What laid before her made her innards churn.
The blood—Sunset's blood—was everywhere.
Though now dried, it looked fresh in Wallflower's mind.
The feeling arose in her again. The feeling to leave—to go and never return.
Yet, there was also another feeling—a much stronger feeling. One that broke through her inhibitions and drove her to step into the bathroom and go straight to the vanity, to the bottom right-hand drawer.
She forcefully pulled it open and dove her hand underneath the first aid supplies. She grabbed hold of a little box she'd hidden there before EMS arrived. Grasping it firmly in her hand, she pulled it out, undoing her buckle and dropping her pants as she did so.
She sat on the tub and pulled out a little paper wrapped item and set the box aside. Wallflower removed the paper and looked at the razor with contempt.
She cursed it. She cursed herself for it.
She should have gotten rid of them when Sunset discovered them. Better yet, she should have had Sunset throw them all out for her.
Maybe then, she wouldn't be lying half-dead in a hospital bed.
Wallflower sucked in a bitter breath through her teeth and pressed the razor to her thigh.
What are you doing? A voice yelled in her head, Sunset nearly died! She could still die, and you're doing this?
Wallflower could feel the words choking up in her throat. “I feel like I don't have any other way,” she whimpered. “I'm sorry.”
She pressed deep and pulled downward. Instantly, she was met with the pain. She felt the blood trickle down her leg. She quickly pulled off her pants before they could become stained.
Without pausing to inspect her wound, Wallflower put the blade to her other thigh and slashed that, too.
Another wave of pain fell over her. The scent of fresh blood filled the air.
Yet, it wasn't enough. She still felt the guilt, the shame, the pain.
Wallflower rolled up her sleeve and looked at her arm. It was almost clear. Her scars looked no more than scratches. Amazing how well the body can heal itself.
But a body can't always heal.
Wallflower took in a deep breath as she placed the razor to her wrist. This was something she hadn't done in a long time. Would it still feel the same?
No time to think, she pulled the razor down her arm and released the fountain within.
She dropped the razor when she realized what she had done. Years of healing gone to waste with a single stroke.
And, yet, she couldn't look away. She watched as the blood trickled down her arm and dripped onto the floor. She reached out her arm, letting some of her blood fall and mix with Sunset's.
“Yes,” she thought, “the way it should be.”
Maybe it was the lack of blood, or maybe it was her exhaustion settling in, but Wallflower's eyelids felt droopy. She leaned forward and collapsed onto the floor.
She laid there, not wanting to move. She hated being in this position, but she hadn't the strength to move.
“How did it come to this?” she wondered, “How could I have let it go so far?”
It had started as a release; a means of coping.
A little nick here, a little scratch there.
Something to tell her that she was still here—something to say that she was still alive.
Soon, it became more than that.
Eventually, she couldn't live without it.
It had been a long day. She had let out a long sigh as she trudged up the last flight of steps. She had been exhausted, completely spent. The thought of home had been the only thing that had kept her going. From school, from to the bus stop, only one thing had remained focused in her mind.
Finally, she reached the apartment door.
“I'm home,” she said, as she opened the door. Almost immediately, she was met by the wonderful smell of baking green bean casserole. The enticing aroma had momentarily subverted her urges and brought a smile to her face. “Smells good in here.” Sunset, however, didn't seem too happy. “Hey, you okay?” She walked into the kitchen to greet her girlfriend.
“Yeah,” Sunset smiled, “just a little tired.”
Wallflower didn't think she kissed like she was tired. Still, she would be the good girlfriend.
“Well,” she said, relinquishing Sunset of the chef's knife, “seems you've done enough work. Take a little break and I'll finish the salad.”
Sunset looked relieved. It made Wallflower feel a bit better.
“If you don't mind. I only have the peppers left. You want a drink? How was class?”
Wallflower washed her hands before she started chopping. “Class was okay. And I'll just have water for now.”
“Learn anything interesting?”
“Not really. Just preparing for our exam next week. How big do you want these pieces?”
She could feel Sunset press against her, leaning over, peering over her shoulder. She relished the closeness.
“That's good.” Sunset set the glass of water down before leaving to check on the casserole. “What about your other classes?”
“Same. It's all finals. Afraid I may pull a few all-nighters in the next few days.” Nights she very well wasn't looking forward to.
“That's fine,” Sunset said, “so long as you let me help you relax later.”
Wallflower detected a hint of mischief in her voice. It made her form a small smile. “After,” she said, “you will have my undivided attention.” She threw the chopped peppers into the salad and gave it a good toss.
Slowly, her urges began to reappear. Maybe, she could get a quick fix. “How much longer till dinner?”
“Just under five minutes.”
No such luck.
---
Wallflower gathered up the dirty dishes from the table and carried them into the kitchen where Sunset was loading up the dishwasher. Placing the dishes on the counter, she wrapped her arms around Sunset, pulling herself tightly to the other woman. She needed this. She needed the closeness. She needed someone strong to hold onto. She wanted more.
“Seeing as we're both tired,” she said, “why not call it an early night?”
“Don't you have homework?”
“Nothing I can't get done before class. And,” Wallflower yawned, “I can do it better after a good night's rest.”
“Okay,” chuckled Sunset, “I suppose going to bed early would do us both a bit of good. Grab me a detergent pod.”
Wallflower reached under the sink and pulled a pod from the container. “Here,” she said, handing it to Sunset, “Can you take it from here? I want to take a shower.”
“Yeah, I'm just about done. Towels are in the dryer.”
Wallflower gave one more squeeze before walking off to the bedroom. Along the way, she stopped by the laundry room, which was just off the kitchen, and pulled out a large towel.
She dropped her clothes into a heap on the bathroom floor and turned on the water. She laid out on the bed some clean clothes to change into before she returned to the bathroom and closed the door. Even though she knew Sunset was occupied in the kitchen, she locked the door behind her.
She tried to avoid it. Maybe, if she didn't look at it.
“Take shower, snuggle with Sunset,” she told herself, “You don't need that. Well still...” her hand quivered, “Maybe...”
She opened a bottom drawer of the bath vanity and reached inside. At the very back, underneath the first aid supplies, she found her prize.
She pulled out the small box and, with shaking hands, opened it. She took hold of one of its contents with a finger and her thumb and set the box aside.
She felt her heart quicken as she gently unfolded the paper. It filled her with disgust.
And yet, she couldn't throw it away.
She hated doing it, but she also yearned for the release. She'd wanted to stop. She'd tried to stop.
But, every time, she always ended up coming back.
The room had already begun to fill up with steam.
“Good,” Wallflower thought, “better not to see it...”
She looked down and felt the urge to retch again. How she'd come to hate that part of her body. But, she had no other choice.
She used to cut her arms, but, after starting to date Sunset, that all changed.
Thankfully, Sunset respected boundaries, but Wallflower couldn't risk an accidental touch—especially once they started sharing a bed. After that, her inner thighs seemed the only safe place.
Wallflower sat on the edge of the bathtub, a handful of tissues at the ready.
“Let's get this over with,” she seethed. She pressed the razor into her flesh.
Immediately, she regretted it. She let out a silent scream in pain, cursing herself.
“Why?” she hissed. Her urge had already abated, why did she still do it?
Almost immediately, she knew why: She was addicted to the high.
Endorphins, endocannabinoids, adrenaline, they had flooded her brain and shattered her body.
But, now that she had started, she had to see it through.
She made a quick check of her wound. A thin line of blood was trickling down from it. Wallflower wiped it with her tissues to find that most of if was already dried. In many ways, she was relieved.
“Okay,” she thought, reaching for the first aid supplies, “This should be an easy cleanup. Then onto the shower...”
---
She laid on the bed, clean and refreshed. With Sunset in the bathroom doing her nightly routine, she took a moment to check on her wounds. She'd exited the bathroom with two cuts on her legs—though one was intentional, the other was not.
Slowly, she removed her bandages. Both had stopped bleeding and were scabbing quite nicely.
Wallflower replaced her bandaging. She wondered what was keeping Sunset. She frowned when she heard something fall into the trash can with a thud.
She sat up. “You okay in there, Sunset?” she called.
The bathroom door slowly opened, revealing Sunset, her face paled.
Wallflower felt all the blood drain from her face. “Oh, shit!” her mind cried, “She's found something!”
“Is something wrong?” she said aloud.
“Are you bleeding?” Sunset asked.
“What?” She noticed the tissues in Sunset's hand, “Oh, no! Well not anymore. I nicked myself while shaving.” She pulled up her pajama pants leg to reveal her carefully bandaged unintentional cut. “You sure you're okay?” She began to rise from the bed, “Sunset? You're looking pale.”
“I...” Sunset began, “I don't know.”
Wallflower quickly took the bloody tissues from Sunset, making her jump.
“Well,” she smiled, walking into the bathroom, “let's put these back where they belong.” She threw the tissues back into the trash and began hastily to hide any previous evidence. “What were you doing digging in the trash anyway?”
“I dropped my toothpaste.”
Wallflower was still moving tissues around. “Did you get it out? No, wait, here it is.” She placed the tube back on the counter and made a mental note to empty the trash in the morning. Her next objective was to get Sunset out of there. She stood up and started walking out of the bathroom, grabbing Sunset as she did so. “Come on,” she said, pulling Sunset to the bed, “you seem extremely tired tonight.”
She smiled, relieved, when Sunset put up no resistance. Instead, falling directly on the mattress.
“Yeah,” she said, “maybe you're right.”
“You know I'm right,” Wallflower said as she climbed onto her side of the bed and shuffled underneath the covers. She pressed her body snugly against Sunset's.
Sunset must have liked it, too. A moment later Wallflower felt two arms wrap around her. She basked in the warmth.
“Maybe, we can have a nice, big breakfast in the morning,” said Sunset.
Wallflower let out a yawn. “Yeah, that sounds good.” She snuggled her face into Sunset's shoulder and quickly fell asleep.
Wallflower set the dishes on the table. Though her body was in the dining area, her mind was elsewhere.
“I'm a bit concerned about you,” the professor had said, “You need to get, at least a B-plus on the final.”
“Why?” Wallflower had asked, “My grade may be low, but I'm not at risk of failing.”
“Because I know you can do better.”
“Yeah,” Wallflower thought, her teeth gritted, “everyone tells me that, but I can't. I try and try and work and study, and I still can't do better. I wish people would stop putting this pressure on me...”
“Your mother called.”
Wallflower blinked. “What?”
“She called,” Sunset repeated, “On the house phone.”
A sour taste began to form in Wallflower's mouth “What did she want?”
“I don't know. I didn't have time to hear the message. I only noticed it while on my way to get you.”
Wallflower walked to the machine and pressed the play messages button.
“You have one new message,” the machine began, “and seven hundred twenty-one old messages.”
“We really need to clean that thing,” Sunset said. Wallflower couldn't disagree.
“First message...” Wallflower's finger moved to the delete button. She barely gave a second thought before pressing it.
The machine beeped then confirmed message deleted. Wallflower stopped it before it could play to the older messages.
“You're not gonna listen to the message?” Sunset sounded surprised.
“Why?” Wallflower shrugged.
“Well, she's your mom. Don't you want to hear what she has to say?”
“Not really.”
She could see Sunset was confused.
“It's not like she's really much of a mom. You know she only calls when me AA tells her to.”
“Maybe it's different this time.”
Please, Sunset, don't.
“I used to think that. But she never changes.”
“That doesn't mean you should keep her out.”
“She's the one who left.”
“But, still—”
“Look,” Wallflower snapped, “only because you're an orphan and never knew your parents, I don't expect you to understand. But, sometimes, having parents is worse than having no parents.”
It was harsh. She knew. She also knew it hurt, but she felt she had to say it. Sunset needed to understand. She needed Sunset to understand.
She took in a deep breath. “I'm sorry,” she said softly.
Sunset had her back to her.
Wallflower knew she was hurting. She sighed. “I'm just gonna go take a shower.”
---
Wallflower sat on the side of the tub, watching the steady stream of blood from the fresh open wound.
The scene from the kitchen replayed in her mind.
The more she thought of it, the worse she felt, the more she caused her leg to bleed.
She wished she hadn't been so harsh with Sunset. She wished Sunset would understand that her mom was never going to change. She wished that her mom wasn't the way she was.
Her professor's words rung in her ears.
Well, I know of one person I'm better than...
She cleaned up and stepped in for a quick shower.
Opening the bathroom door, Wallflower found Sunset seated on the bed.
There was a brief silence before Sunset spoke. “Hey.”
Wallflower wavered a bit, unsure how to respond. “Hey,” she started, “Sunset, I—”
Sunset raised her hand. Wallflower's breath got stuck in her throat.
“I know you really didn't mean it.” Sunset sighed. “You're right. I may never understand. Unlike Applejack, I don't have the memories to rely on, or the extended family to help fill in the details.
“There's just me. And those I chose to make my family.”
No, don't say that.
“Just as there are things I may not understand. There are things that you don't either.”
Wallflower swallowed. “Maybe, we can try to make each other understand.”
A smile cracked Sunset's lips. “Yeah, I'd like that.”
Wallflower held her breath as Sunset rose from the bed. “Now, if you're done in there, I need to use the bathroom.” She kissed Wallflower as she passed. “I love how you smell after a shower.”
Wallflower blushed as she moved into the bedroom. She turned around to see a smile on Sunset's face.
“The casserole is still in the oven, if you're hungry.”
---
Wallflower dressed and went to the kitchen. She really wasn't hungry, but she felt she needed to make things up to Sunset.
Walking into the kitchen, she noticed that Sunset hadn't finished the salad.
“Well,” Wallflower figured, “I guess that's where I'll start.” She looked around for the knife Sunset had been using, but found it odd that she couldn't find it.
With confusion, she grabbed a new knife from the block and picked up where Sunset left off.
She had just finished plating when Sunset returned to the kitchen. It made her smile to see the delighted shock on Sunset's face.
“Best not to go to bed on an empty stomach,” she said.
A smile crept across Sunset's face. “I suppose I'll get the drinks.”
Wallflower wasn't sure what sparked it, but she didn't care. All she knew was it had started and she wanted it.
They entered the bedroom, fumbling with clothes and collapsing onto the bed.
Wallflower found herself on top. She straddled Sunset's stomach, pinning her arms above her head. “You're mine now,” she said menacingly.
“Please don't hurt me,” Sunset pleaded, “Just do what you want.”
Wallflower leaned forward, “I want you to kiss me.”
Sunset was quick to oblige. She started with Wallflower's lips and moved to her jaw and down her neck.
Wallflower could feel the passion in each one. “Oh,” she moaned, “call me 'Mistress'.”
“What do you desire of me, Mistress?”
Wallflower tugged at Sunset's shirt. “I want to see your body. Let me feast upon your flesh.” She pulled up the hem to reveal Sunset's stomach. Slowly, she lifted further to uncover Sunset's busting chest.
“You're cold,” she smirked.
“Just a little,” replied Sunset, “Please do something about it, Mistress.”
Wallflower took a tender breast in hand and gave a gentle squeeze. “Oh, I intend to. But, let's get the rest of this thing off you first.”
She pulled the shirt over Sunset's head, stopping at her forearms. “There,” she smirked, “can't have your hands wandering free, now can we?”
Something caught her eye. She uncovered a bit of Sunset's arm. “What happened?” She pointed to the bandage, “Are you hurt?”
“Hm? Oh,” Sunset's cheeks reddened slightly. It made Wallflower's heart beat faster.
“I burned myself.”
“Not too badly, I hope.”
Sunset gave a reassuring smile. “I'll live.”
“Well,” Wallflower leaned forward, placing her lips on Sunset's, “looks like Mistress needs to be gentle today.”
“Not too gentle.”
---
Wallflower laid, snuggled close to Sunset. She relished their times like this.
She closed her eyes and let the feeling of Sunset's fingers brushing up and down her bare back lull her to sleep. Though, the way Sunset was moving, Wallflower could tell she had something on her mind.
“Wallflower?”
“Hm?”
“You know you can talk to me. You can tell me anything.”
“Such as?” Wallflower yawned.
“Well, anything. Anything that's bothering you. Anything you may not want people to know. Anything you may be ashamed of.”
Wallflower frowned. “You have a particular thing in mind?” She felt Sunset tense beneath her.
“Well no,” Sunset wavered, “I just wanted to make sure you knew.”
An odd feeling was growing in the pit of Wallflower's stomach. “Uh-huh,” she said, raising from the bed.
“Where are you going?”
“Bathroom,” Wallflower said, kissing Sunset. “I'll be right back.”
Sunset kissed back. “Don't be gone too long.”
Wallflower closed the door behind her and quickly opened the vanity drawer.
As suspected, Sunset had gotten her bandages from it. Though, Wallflower was more concerned about the back of the drawer.
She stuck her hand in and pulled out a little box. It was the wrong box.
A panic built within her.
Sunset knows! But, how much does she know? Is she playing dumb for my benefit?
Wallflower's mind aced. What to do now? Should she go on pretending as she had? Or should she come clean? Admit her problem and begin seeking help?
No, that would make her no better than her mother.
Everyone started to look down on her mother for hitting the bottle. Wallflower needed everyone to think she wasn't that way. She needed them to think that she was stronger than her mother.
She needed them to think that she wasn't as broken.
Wallflower replaced the box of used razors. She would have to change her tactics. Her methods of disposal would have to change.
Maybe, I should start flushing the tissues...
Sunset was on her phone when Wallflower returned to the bedroom. “Reading anything interesting?” she asked.
“Just checking FaceAlbum” Sunset said. She put the phone away. “But, now that you're here, I'd rather look at you.”
Wallflower held out her arms and did a twirl. “Can you get a good look?”
“No. Come closer.”
Wallflower took a few steps closer. She grabbed her bare breasts and playfully jiggled them. “This better?”
“Closer.”
Wallflower came as close as she dared. She sensed Sunset was up to something.
Sure enough, Sunset reached out and grabbed her.
Wallflower let out a yelp as she was pulled onto the bed. She playfully fought back, but Sunset took the upper hand, pinning her firmly to the mattress. Her faux protests gave way to giggles as Sunset adored her with kisses.
“This is payback for earlier,” Sunset teased.
Wallflower kissed back, “I'll take your revenge any time.”
Sunset let out a chuckle, falling back on to the bed.
“Tired?”
“Just a little,” Sunset yawned, “I suppose you'll be at the library all day tomorrow?”
“As long as we can stand without our brains melting,” Wallflower said. She nestled next to Sunset. “You working tomorrow?”
Sunset nodded. “All day.”
“Hmm... Maybe we should see about doing takeout for dinner.”
“Might be nice.”
Wallflower let out a big yawn, snuggled deeper into Sunset and fell asleep.
Wallflower jumped as the book landed on the table.
“This is hopeless!” Rosebud threw up her hands, “There's no way we're gonna have all this memorized for Monday!”
“Gah!” wailed Berry Zap, “What's the difference between a Calendula and a marigold?”
“'Marigold' is too broad of a term,” said Wallflower, “Don't you remember? Many flowers are called marigolds. You need to be more specific.”
“That's what you're going with?”
“That's what I put on the test and he marked it right,” She handed Berry an old test, “Granted, my answer was a bit more detailed, but you get the gist.”
“Wow! You got a ninety-two?”
“Eighty-eight. The bonus questions bumped me up.”
Rosebud slumped onto the table. “I got an eighty-seven after the bonus. You must be really smart. Most of the class didn't get above ninety.”
Wallflower laughed nervously. “Not really. My girlfriend just happens to be a good study partner.”
“Well, where is she?" asked Berry, "We could really use her now.”
“She's at work.”
“Well, show us some of her tricks then.”
Wallflower looked at the study packet Sunset had helped her prepare. “Well...”
---
The three were in good spirits as they exited the library.
“My brain is so full,” groaned Berry, “It feels awesome!”
Rosebud laughed, “Our brains may be full, but our stomachs are empty. I know a sweet place at the mall. You in, Wallflower?”
“Sorry, no,” Wallflower shook her head, “Do they do takeout, though?”
---
Wallflower set the food in the oven to keep it warm and glanced at the clock. Sunset should be coming home soon.
She took in a deep breath. The aroma of India permeated the apartment.
She set the plates on the table and grabbed the cutlery just in time for the door to open.
“Something smells good in here,” Sunset chimed.
“Should hope so,” Wallflower smiled, “Got us some paneer tikka masala and a vegetable curry. Is something wrong?”
“What? No. Just...” Sunset chuckled, “I was also thinking of Indian food.”
Wallflower frowned. “Huh... We must be on a similar wavelength, or something.”
“Yeah...” Sunset laughed. Unsure, Wallflower joined in.
“Well, my little sushi roll,” she said, “go get out of those clothes and we'll eat.”
---
“How did your study session go?” asked Sunset, taking a large bite of paneer.
“Pretty well, actually,” replied Wallflower, “Those study notes we prepared really helped.”
“Glad to hear it. I'm always here to help you, Wallflower.”
Wallflower thought the phrasing a bit strange, but simply replied with: “I know. How's your burn?”
“Haven't checked it yet today. But it's not hurting, so I'll take it as a sign that it's healing nicely.”
“I can help you re-bandage it, if you wa—” Sunset had raised a hand to stop her.
“You've got too much stuff on your plate already. No need to worry yourself about a little burn.”
“What's this about always being here to help and then not taking it? I'm here, too! It's a two-way street, Sunset.”
“I know, I know,” Sunset sighed, “Just, your situation is a bit more pressing than mine. You focus on your exams, then you can worry about me to your heart's content.”
Wallflower huffed. Though, she couldn't argue. “I'm gonna hold ya to that.”
Wallflower stretched as she exited the exam room. That was two down, three more to go. Though, these had been easy. The ones she dreaded were soon to come.
But first, some lunch and some last-minute cramming.
She pulled out her phone and checked her notifications. To her surprise, she'd missed a call from her grandmother. She didn't talk with her grandmother often, but they did talk the weekend before and Wallflower had let her know that she would be busy with exams.
“Maybe she wants to wish me luck,” Wallflower thought as she opened her voicemail.
“Wallflower, please call when you get this message. Love you. Bye.”
Wallflower frowned, “Odd...”
---
She put the key in the lock and turned it, opening the door to an empty apartment. Sunset wouldn't be returning home for a few hours yet.
Wallflower rummaged through the refrigerator for dinner and a well-deserved soda. She would make sure to have something for Sunset as well. Though, she imagined she would be eating at work.
Usually, Wallflower didn't like it when Sunset worked late. But, in this instance, it provided her with a time of quiet study.
She set her stuff on the coffee table and settled down on the couch.
She was pulled out of her studying by the click of the lock. Wallflower quickly looked up to see Sunset had come home.
“Ah,” she smiled, “late night study session, I see.”
Wallflower looked at the mess around her. “Heh. Yeah.”
“How were your other exams?”
“Pretty good I guess....” Wallflower shrugged.
“I suppose you'll be here all night.”
“Hope not. Would like to get some rest. Dinner's in the fridge, if you're hungry.”
“No, I grabbed something from work. Let me grab us a snack, though and I'll help you study.”
Wallflower liked the sound of that. She'd just about reached the end of her mental capabilities.
“On second thought,” Sunset continued, “let me change clothes, then grab us a snack.”
Wallflower gave a thumbs-up as Sunset disappeared into the bedroom, returning a little bit later.
“Carrot sticks and celery good with you?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Wallflower replied absentmindedly.
Suddenly, a little voice reminded her of something. She smacked her forehead, reaching for her phone. “Oh, dang!”
“Hm?” Sunset said.
Wallflower pulled up her grandmother's number. “I forgot to call my grandmother back.”
“You really need to do that tonight? It's already pretty late.”
Wallflower placed the phone to her ear. “It sounded really urgent.”
The phone rung for a little bit then a click! and a: “Hello?”
“Hey, Grandma.”
“Wallflower, honey, it's late. Where have you been all day?”
“Sorry," Wallflower winced," In the middle of finals. Got caught up studying. What's up?”
“Are you at a place where you can talk?” The old woman sounded a bit hesitant.
“Yeah, I'm home,” Wallflower became concerned, “What's going on?”
More hesitation. “Your mother was found dead this morning.”
Wallflower's world stood still. “W-what...” She didn't hear the rest of what her grandmother had to say, but she did pick up on the words “alcohol” and “poisoning”.
“Wallflower? Wallflower, are you still there?”
Wallflower jolted slightly. “Y-yeah...”
“Do you want me to write a letter to your school?”
“N-no. I'll be fine. I really need to get back to my studying.”
“Oh... Okay... Call me if you need anything. I'll try to keep you updated.”
“Yeah... that sounds fine.”
She ended the call with a deep breath. She'd always known she'd get this call. With her mother's drinking habits, she had grown to anticipate it. What she hadn't anticipated was how she would feel.
With anticipated deaths, one already has a plan on how they would react. Surprise deaths just punch you in the gut.
Wallflower hadn't expected the wind to be knocked out of her. She hadn't thought she would feel any sort of shock or grief.
“Wallflower?”
Wallflower turned to see Sunset seated next to her. She looked concerned. “Is everything okay?”
That did it. Wallflower choked down her tears before she collapsed into Sunset's arms and wept.
She put the key in the lock and turned it. With a pull, the heavy gate opened and she was able to enter the courtyard of the apartment complex.
Now, she had only to walk up five flights of stairs before she could finally rest.
She cursed the lazy, lackluster building maintenance and its non-operational elevator. “That's a lawsuit waiting to happen,” she mumbled as she placed her foot on the first step.
“Student housing,” she grumbled, “Who the fuck gives a shit about students?” Though, admittedly, this was one of the better options afforded to her.
Wallflower didn't care. She just wanted this all to end. The guilt, the shame, the stress, the pain. She just wanted it all to go away. She'd had enough.
Enough of lying. Enough of trying to be perfect. Enough of trying to prove she was better.
Finally face her true feelings about her mother.
Wallflower nearly doubled over on the step. Her eyes stung with tears.
That really was it, wasn't it? Everything stemmed from her hatred and loathing for her mother and, now that she was gone, Wallflower had to deal with it.
She tried to suppress it, but it plagued her through her exams.
Everything she did was to show the world she wasn't her mother—and she ended up being like her.
In truth, she was no better than her mother. Both had their vices. Both would lose their lives to them.
Wallflower stopped. Could she actually go through with that? From what her grandmother said, her mother's death was an accident. Could the same happen to her?
As far as Wallflower knew, the only way to die from cutting was to do it deliberately.
Could she actually go there?
Wallflower wiped the tears from her eyes. It didn't matter how far she went, she'd still have the pain.
And, still, that didn't keep her from trying to end it.
She reached the landing with one thing on her mind: make the pain go away. She didn't know how much or how long it would take, but she needed to do it.
She had been cut too deeply already.
However, Wallflower hadn't expected to see Sunset in the bathroom.
She had not expected to make an emergency trip to the hospital.
She hadn't thought that Sunset had the same urges she did.
It only made her feel worse.
Maybe, if she were stronger, she could have noticed something, done something. She could have saved Sunset.
But, she was weak.
And now, as she wallowed in her weakness, she could hear Applejack's voice in the bedroom.
