There Is a Pony Among Us
“Crewmates.”
Five opaque visors looked up from the cafeteria table to me. A big red button was at the center, standing menacingly with the words “Emergency” written along its sides.
“There is a pony among us.”
One of them, covered from head to toe in a yellow astronaut suit, shifted. “What?”
“He said, ‘There is a pony among us,’” another astronaut sitting next to him said, this one inside a blue suit.
“I know what he said,” Yellow replied in an annoyed tone. “I just… a pony? Those four-legged pastel-colored magical horses from the neighboring dimension?”
“Yes.”
“Inside a human space suit?”
I shrugged. “That’s what Headquarters told me. A pony has escaped detection and is here, in this very table, listening to our conversation.”
“And?” This time from someone who had actually given her name. I forgot who she was, and I don’t think anyone else could pronounce it. We called her Orange for the suit she was wearing, just like everyone else. “They’re a friendly bunch. Maybe they just wanted to see how our space looks?”
“Or maybe,” White said in an ominous voice, “they’re here to kill us all.”
“What!?”
“Calm down, Yellow,” I said. “No, White. That’s ridiculous.”
“You think a pony would ever kill?” Blue asked.
I heard White sighing in relief herself. “Good.” Her visor turned to each of us. “What are they up to, then?”
“HQ didn’t elaborate,” I said. “Looks like they don’t trust me as well.”
Everyone shifted in their seats.
“Has anyone read the news just before launch?” I asked. “I think there was something on the front page that’s pony-related.”
“We were all scrambling,” Orange said.
“I don’t think anyone got the time,” Blue said.
A man in a purple suit slowly raised his hand.
“Yes, Purple?”
“I’ve… heard stories.”
Every visor locked on him. He shifted uncomfortably. “They’re here for revenge.”
White stood up. “So they’re here to kill us!?”
“White!”
“What!? That’s what he said!”
Purple frantically shook his head. “No, no, they’re…”
White slammed the table. “Spit it out!”
Purple hid behind his arms. “They’re here to boop us!”
Silence.
I looked at Orange. She was calm. Purple was trying to blend with the floor. Yellow was glancing around. White sat down. Blue put a hand over her nose. Er, visor.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Oh, no.”
White looked at me. “What are we going to do, Red?”
A plan slowly formed in my mind. It was risky, but I don’t see any other way. Taking off our helmets in this cheap spaceship was way too dangerous.
Just like usual.
“We prepare for an emergency warp drive to the nearest colonized planet. You know your tasks. Finish them as soon as possible.”
“What if one of us gets booped!?”
I looked at White dead in the eyes. Er, visor. “Then tell us who you think did it.” I looked at each of the crewmembers. The fellow humans I had been with for days now, and the one pony that had been hiding in plain sight. “Is that clear?”
A round of acknowledgment from everyone, and a raised hand from Yellow. “Before we start,” he said, “does anyone have any idea how this pony can blend in inside a human spacesuit that has fingers?”
Orange spoke, “It’s a current trend. They’ve managed to figure out how to make one of the portals transform them into humans when passing through.”
“Really?” White asked. “You know an awful lot about these ponies.”
“I was stationed in Equestria for a month,” she deadpanned.
“Oh.”
Orange coughed. “As I was saying. They can now transform into humans. Not perfectly, mind you. They still keep their natural hair and skin colors. Their big eyes. It’s easy to tell them apart from normal humans.”
“Unless they’re on a spacesuit,” White said.
“And they got The Boop with them, it would seem.”
“Yes,” I said impatiently. “Any other questions? No? Good. Dismissed.”
With that, everyone stood up and went on their merry ways. White went to the front of the ship with Yellow. Purple went to the administration room alone. Blue went to the back of the ship. Orange stood still, looking at me. I nodded at her and she nodded back.
I went with orange following me to the communications room on the starboard side, passing by Purple trying to swipe his card in the admin desk and an empty storage room. Entering the comms, I opened my PDA, lit up the interface near the door, then started downloading the data.
Orange came a little later from the storage. Probably fixing the wirings that kept getting fried in there. “Orange?”
She glanced at me.
“Tell me more about them.”
“The ponies?”
“Yes.”
“They’re colorful,” she started. She kept her vision on the hallway. “Happy. Naive. Cute.”
“Oh?”
“Or maybe it’s only the few friends I’ve made.”
A beep notified me that the download had been completed. I looked at Orange and she walked to the front of the ship. I followed her.
White passed by us in the hallway. Yellow was nowhere to be found even as we reached the cockpit.
Orange sat on the co-pilot seat, probably setting the navigation. I stood at the T-junction to the cockpit and paced around. I saw a camera there, its light beeping. Someone’s in the security room; probably Blue.
Orange showed up from behind and nodded. I led us to the cafeteria, and I thought I saw a glimpse of yellow at the edge of my vision. Purple was sitting there, doing nothing.
“Purple?”
Purple looked at me. “Hey, Red. Would you like a hug?”
My breath caught in a hitch. I slowly let it out. “No, why?”
Purple shrugged. “Everyone could use a hug every now and then. It makes you smile and happy!”
Just as I feared. Orange had already opened her PDA. I nodded at her.
Orange spoke to her PDA, connected to the ship’s speakers. “Attention all crew members, gather at the cafeteria immediately.” Her visor turned at me. “Purple has been booped.”
In almost an instant, everyone had gathered back around The Button. White was shivering. Yellow was looking curiously at Purple. Orange was standing with her arms crossed. Blue was tapping at the table.
Purple was watching some colorful children’s cartoons on his PDA at the other table.
“So,” I started the meeting. “Can anyone confirm anyone’s presence all the time?”
All visors turned to me, mostly questioning. “What?” asked Yellow.
“Where were you, Yellow? I saw you going to the front of the ship but couldn’t find you later on.”
“I was aligning the trajectory,” he said. “It’s not that hard. I then went to the oxygen room to clear the vents.”
“I was at the security cameras,” Blue said. “I saw him going to the cockpit and then toward the oxygen room, just as he said. He’s telling the truth.”
“I was with Orange all the time,” I said.
“He was,” confirmed Orange.
“Although,” Blue interrupted, “White was… a little suspicious.”
“What!?” She stood up. “Why? What did I do?”
“You were with Yellow. But then I saw you walking back to the cafeteria.”
“I forgot my PDA.”
“Really?” Orange asked. “Not to boop the unsuspecting Purple?”
“Wha—Why would I do that!?”
“Because you’re out for revenge,” I told her menacingly.
“And then you went back to the front, then skipped the cockpit and walked all the way starboard,” Blue continued.
“I and Red passed you by.”
White was moving her hands frantically. “I—I didn’t—” She took a deep breath and calmed a little. “I was going to comms.”
“Why the long route?” I asked.
“I wanted to see how Yellow’s doing.”
“You’re a little lively, aren’t you?” Yellow slowly said.
“I don’t want to get booped!”
Orange unfolded her arms. “Or do you not want to get booped back?”
“I’ve heard enough,” Blue said, standing up. Every visor was on her. She pointed a finger at White. “I’m convinced that she’s the pony among us!”
“I am not!” White shrieked.
“That’s what the pony would say,” Yellow retorted.
I looked at Orange. She nodded. I nodded back.
“White,” I slowly approached her. Blue and Yellow grabbed her by the arms. She began frantically struggling.
I raised a finger. With millions of years of evolution and natural selection, of surviving multiple extinction events, of all the achievements our species have from taming fire to outliving our brothers and sisters, and the power to convince an entire world of peace and prosperity to accept our warmongering, galaxy-colonizing nature concentrated at my fingertips, I took a deep breath.
White slumped. Doubts began to form on my mind. I shook my head. It was a risk we were all willing to make.
I brought my finger down, then booped her.
It might seem like I was merely tapping her visor, but it was not just a light tap. It was The Boop. The pinnacle of the design of the human body. The ultimate tamer of all hostility, along with The Headpats, unimpeded by any defense, physical or otherwise.
Not even a pony goddess can resist its power.
White went limp and Blue and Yellow put her down. Everyone except Purple gathered around holding their breaths.
White regained consciousness. Her visor looked at us one by one.
“Pony?” Yellow asked.
Will she shriek uncontrollably? Would she neigh like there’s no tomorrow?
“Ponies!” White exclaimed. “Cute little adorable ponies! Friendship! Rainbows!”
I stepped back and let out a silent scream.
Purple appeared out of nowhere. “Love! Puppies!”
White stood up and started blabbering about some friendship stuff with Purple. I tried my best not to vomit. They even gave each other a hug without any reason! Blergh.
“...”
Orange stood as calmly as ever. “White was not the pony.”
“Uh…” Blue slowly raised her hand. “Guys, I’m sorry—”
I held up a hand. “No.” I stood straight, then looked at the four remaining crew—one of which was a pony. “Mistakes were made. Be more careful next time.”
“Red—”
“Finish your tasks,” I said curtly. “Dismissed.”
Blue stuttered for a bit before nodding. Yellow went to the front without a word. Orange went to the back of the ship, shortly followed by Blue.
I let out a breath. Four left.
White and Purple were watching a cartoon show about a unicorn that was the last of her species. They were mesmerized, almost like a little child. Which was what The Boop did to humans: spreading love and friendship and childishness and carefreeness. Like ponies. Eugh.
I steeled myself and called, “Hey there, fellow crewmates.”
Purple paused the video and the two looked at me.
I coughed. “I, uh, need some help. You do know that you’ve been tasked with several things to do, right?”
The two slowly nodded.
“Can you do it, please?”
Purple crossed his arms. “And?”
“...And?”
“What do we get?” White asked.
I swallowed. “Uh—”
Purple jumped. “Oh, oh! How about ice cream?”
“Ice cream!?”
“Ice cream!” Purple said excitedly. “I love ice cream!”
“Yes!” I exclaimed. “Ice cream! If you two can be good crewmates and finish your tasks quickly, I promise I’ll buy you two ice cream.”
“What flavor do you want, White?”
White rubbed her chin. Er, her visor. “I do like vanilla…”
“Boring.” Purple suddenly said. “Why don’t you try cookies ‘n cream?”
I raised a hand. “But that’s—”
“Yes!” she exclaimed. “Cookies ‘n cream!” She looked at me expectantly. From beneath her visor. I shivered. “Can you buy me a double-scoop of cookies ‘n cream and vanilla?”
“Rocky roads for me!”
“But that’s—”
“Baskin-Robbins!” the two said in unison.
“And that’s—”
“Thirty-one flavors for every day of the month!”
“Are you sponsored?” I asked rhetorically. Of course, Baskin-Robbins had monetized The Boop. Capitalism at its peak.
The two started dancing in circles chanting, “Baskin-Robbins! Baskin-Robbins!”
I slapped my visor. My poor, poor wallet. “Yes, I’ll take you two to a Baskin-Robbins.”
“Yes!”
“But only if you do your jobs right!”
The two stood straight and saluted. “Sir yes sir!”
“Uh—”
And then they scrambled.
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. Visor.
Starting the reactor. Why was it so hard to do?
Orange was at the security cameras now, with Blue nowhere to be found. Probably in the electrical room.
A loud beep told me that I did the patterns wrong again, and the reactor restarted. I let out a dry sigh.
“Red!”
“Gah!”
“I’m Purple, not Gah.”
I took deep breaths until my heart rate returned to normal. Orange was at the reactor room’s entrance, looking at us puzzled.
“Yes, Purple?”
Purple let out a squee. I held back my lunch. “I’ve finished all my tasks! Aren’t you proud?”
I grunted. “Yes, Purple, I’m proud of—ack!”
“Thank you, Red!” He finally let me out of his death grip. He was still looking at me eagerly. “How about you? Have you finished your tasks?”
“No, I haven’t finished my tasks. Now if you excuse—”
Purple put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Red! I believe in you!”
“Uh—”
He gave me a thumbs up. “You can do it!”
“...”
“Alright, I’m going now! Bye!”
As Purple ran away, I gave Orange a death glare. “Not a word.”
She made a zipping motion over her lips. Visor. Where her lips were if—you know what? You get the idea.
I sighed. “Just finish your tasks, Orange.”
“Yes, dad.”
I threw a wrench at her, which hit the wall and clattered to the ground.
I sighed and began trying to start the reactor again.
First pattern.
Second pattern.
Third pa—
“Emergency Meeting!”
Of course. I held a fist to the speaker at the ceiling before reluctantly running toward the cafeteria with Orange.
Blue was pacing around The Button when we came. Yellow was coming from the other side of the ship.
“What’s the emergency, Blue?”
Blue pointed a finger at Yellow. “I saw Yellow entering the vents!”
I stared at her. I stared at Orange. She stared back.
“...And?” Orange asked.
“...Isn’t that a little suspicious!?”
“Blue.”
“Yes?”
“Yellow does it all the time.”
“Doesn’t that make it more suspicious!?”
“He’s our vent maintenance guy.”
“...”
“...”
“Red!”
“Gah!”
“I’m White, not—”
“Yes, White,” I let out a grunt, “what is it?”
White excitedly jumped on the spot. “I’ve finished my tasks! Aren’t you proud?”
I glanced at the other crews. This better be worth it. “Yes, White, I’m proud of you.”
“Yay!”
I pushed her away before she could hug me. “No.”
“Aww.”
“We’re wasting time. Everyone else, quickly finish your tasks! We’re almost ready for a warp drive.”
“I don’t know, Red. You’re acting a little suspicious.”
I stared at Yellow. “What.”
I could feel him squinting at me from behind his visor. “You’re acting a little… wholesome, with our booped crewmates.”
“Yes,” Blue agreed. “That looks like what a pony would do.”
I glared at them. Not that they could see it, but at least they can feel it. Probably. “You try handling them and then accuse me!”
Blue put two fingers at her visor, then pointed them at me.
“Fine. Watch me all you want. For now, you’re all dismissed.”
Everyone nodded. Yellow went inside the vent in the cafeteria. Blue watched him, then went to the storage room. Orange nodded at me.
I sighed and went back to the reactor room. Just before Orange went back to the security cameras, I called, “Hey, Orange?”
Oranged stopped. “Yes?”
“Aren’t you suspicious of me too?”
Orange laughed. “I have children. I know how it feels.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Er, nevermind.”
Back to the reactor. First pattern, second—
A loud siren blared from the ceiling. I jumped and accidentally pressed the wrong button on the reactor.
Sigh.
I ran as fast as I could to the administration room, where one of the number pads to reboot oxygen production was. There was a sticky note with the numbers for today’s pin, and I entered them quickly. A few seconds later, The blaring siren turned off, indicating that oxygen production has returned to normal, and the chute to the outside has been locked to prevent further loss of pressure.
Hold on.
Would a pony really be that sinister as to sabotage something that kept us all alive?
I opened the panel on the admin table, showing the rooms of the ship and the number of people inside each. One was in the security room, one in the electrical room, and another in the oxygen room. It also showed me in the admin room. There were two figures in the cafeteria, although I could tell who they were.
I ran across the cafeteria, dodging White and Purple who were playing hopscotch, and toward the front of the ship. I turned before the cockpit toward the oxygen room, finding Yellow fiddling furiously on the panels.
“Yellow?”
Yellow turned around, one hand still fiddling on the panel. “Sorry, my mistake.”
“What happened?”
He kicked one of the pipes. “Leaves. Leaves everywhere. Why are there so many leaves in space!?”
I stared at him, then shook my head. I walked back to the reactor room, passing by White and Purple having a heart-to-heart.
Orange greeted me at the security-reactor junction. “What happened?”
“Yellow messed something up. It has something to do with leaves.”
Orange opened her PDA. “Ah, right. I better take care of the trash, then.”
I turned back toward the reactor and began another attempt to start it. First pa—
“Attention all crew members, gather at the cafeteria immediately. Blue has been booped.”
I shouted a few profanities as I walked down the hallway.
“I found her drawing rainbows on the floor of the electrical room with her solder. She had been like that for a while.”
I watched dumbly as White, Purple, and Blue sang a spontaneous musical number atop our table. Something something about this being the best night ever. Or something. It was noon according to my watch.
“It was Orange!” I heard Yellow said.
“I was with Red all the time,” Orange replied.
“That’s true,” I said. “You were the only one that could’ve booped her, Yellow.”
“But I—”
“I’m voting for Yellow,” Orange calmly stated.
“I’m voting for Orange!” Yellow shouted.
I tapped at the table.
“Come on, Red! Help me here!”
I sighed. “Unless you have something to prove that Orange could be at electrical while she never went outside of the security room, I’m not helping you.”
“She could’ve used the vents to go from the security room to electrical.”
I stopped tapping.
Orange folded her arms. “And how could you know that the vents were connected?”
“I’m the vent maintenance guy.”
“Oh.”
I banged my head against the table.
“Red?”
I quickly raised my head. “Hey, Blue!”
Blue stopped mid-song and looked at me.
“Do you know who booped you?”
She nodded. “Uh-uh. Not gonna tell you though.”
“Aww, come on, Blue.”
She shook her head and crossed her arms. “Nuh-uh.”
“Pretty please?”
“Nope.”
“With a cherry on top?”
“I don’t like cherries.”
“Apples?”
“No.”
“Bacon strips?”
“No—wait, what?”
I sighed. “Never mind.”
“So,” Yellow started, “who are you voting for, Red?”
I walked away from the cafeteria to the back of the ship.
“Red?”
“Finish your tasks.”
The reactor had been activated. Finally. I walked down the starboard hallway to the storage room whistling a tune.
I heard a vent being opened behind me. Yellow popped out from the lower engine room. Starboard engine. Whatever.
“Finished your tasks?”
I nodded. “You?”
“Done.”
“Seen Orange?”
“Nah.”
We reached the storage room. I heard a few giggles from the communications room in the next room; most likely the trio watching something on the big computer screen.
Orange came from the administration room. “Finished your tasks?”
We nodded. “We’re ready for a warp drive.”
“So,” Yellow started, “the pony will be revealed shortly.”
I nodded and sat on a small box. “Shortly.”
Yellow looked at Orange. Orange looked at Yellow.
“But before that…”
Yellow looked at me.
“Yellow?”
“Yes?”
I jumped and tackled him. He struggled for a bit, but quickly ceased as I booped him right on the visor.
“Red!?”
I sat up. “Yes, pony?”
Orange stuttered.
“I know what you are.” I reached into Yellow's pocket and took away his gun. “Not that it matters, right now. Boop us all you want; we’d rather act silly than be shot in the face.”
“You—”
“Yellow was The Impostor. Some sort of shapeshifting monster that likes to kill things.” I threw his gun to the trash chute. “They like to kill people specifically working for MIRA, for some reason.” I sighed. “And to think we can go on one trip without encountering at least one. I was ecstatic when HQ didn’t mention anything about those… things.”
“Like changelings?”
“I don’t really know Equestria very well, sorry.” I stood up. “Do they have very sharp tongues and are incredibly smart?”
She rubbed her helmet’s chin for a second before shaking her head. “Nope and definitely nope!”
I reached out my hand. “Red.”
She shook my hand giggling. “Red? That’s your actual name?”
I shrugged. “My parents aren’t exactly the most creative.”
Orange uttered something incomprehensible.
“I don’t speak Equestrian.”
“Pinkie Pie.”
“Why don’t you wear pink, then?”
She laughed. “Why do you wear red?”
I chuckled and gestured for her to follow me to the cockpit. “Point taken.” The Impostor was slowly wriggling its way to its original form, but without any hostility. Hopefully. That’s what they advertised and the reviews didn’t say anything about them lying. “So, mind telling me how you teleported from the security room to electrical?”
“The fourth wall.”
“Hm?”
She giggled. “I used the vents, silly! Yellow isn’t the only one that knows how to do it!”
I continued walking past the comms, where the other actual crew members were watching a video of a foal playing with human children. “You’re not going to boop me too?”
Pinkie shrugged. “I thought I was gonna, but you’re a cute guy already.”
“Cute?”
“You already have the fire of friendship inside you! You’re spreading smiles everywhere! And ice cream!”
I chuckled. “Yeah, whatever.”
“Plus, I don’t really know how to start the warp drive. Don’t want to be babysitting all of you for the rest of the trip!”
“Understandable.”
We reached the cockpit. I sat on the pilot’s seat, Pinkie sat on the co-pilot’s. I pushed a few buttons and thingamabobs until the Launch button lit up. “Prepare for warp drive.”
“Okie-dokie!”
“Prepare to launch in three—” a thought struck my mind. “Wait, you were the one that set up the navigation?”
She nodded eagerly.
“Where did you—”
“Baskin-Robbins!”
“Wait no—”
She pressed the big red Launch button, and I screamed into the void of my bank account. MIRA better give me that raise.