Please note: This is an intro for those who have not played the game, because I know some people have never played this game and want to read this. If you have played the game, you can skip to the next chapter, or re-watch the intro below. I didn't put much effort into the 'chapter', so it will not be humorous or worth reading, unless you prefer reading to seeing the video prologue.
Camera fades to a red squirrel on a throne. By the look on his face, it appears he quite pissed off. He takes a sip of the glass of milk in his hand. As the camera zooms out, it shows a whole barrage of various animals and tools, most notable six variously colored, cartoon-like ponies, all looking very proud of theirselves.
"Well, there I am, Conker the king; king of all the land. Who'd have thought that? But how did I come to this, you say. And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne. That you also say. It's a long story. Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started yesterday, and what a day that was! It's what I like to call, a bad fur day."
The doors of the throne room close on the opening title:
"Hi. You've reached, like, Berri's place. I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously! However, if you leave your, like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back. Ciao!"
"Hi Berri," our squirrel hero, Conker, says into his phone. Sounds of breaking bottles can be heard in the background. "Hello... Berri if you're there, pick up. Hello! Oh. Anyway, look..." The scene changed to Conker talking into a pay phone on the wall of the Cock and Plucker, the local bar. "I'm going to be a bit late. Met up with a couple of guys, and they're off tomorrow to some... I dunno, fight some war somewhere. Anyway. I'll see ya. Love you!" He kissed the phone a couple times for good measure.
"I think she bought it."
"Conker, put the phone down!" a drunk voice shouted.
"Oh, okay!" he set the phone back onto the stand, "Right! Whose round was it?"
"YOURS!" the entire bar screamed.
"What? Again? Okay," he jump down onto the floor, "can someone lend me a fiver?" (a fiver is a £5 bill)
That night of partying left Conker drunker then he had ever been in his life. "Ugh. I don't feel so good now. You guys enjoy yourselves and all that, and I'll probably see you sometime next week. I gotta go home." his vision was dazed, so he headed toward the first thing resembling a door. "I'll go this way. Nope, that's the toilets." he turned around "I'll go this way then. Yep. That's better."
He exited the bar into the blurred world beyond. A lizard monk was studying his tablet outside. "Doesn’t look too good tonight. Ugh. Ooh. Hang on a sec." He proceeded to barf that night's round of beer onto the ground, a large portion landed on the monk. It hissed at him.
"Ah ha. Sorry about that old chap. I gotta go." He wonders which way to go and decides to find his way by following the right.
He appears in front of a sign show the choice of "Naughty" and "Nice." Unfortunately for drunken Conker, the signs are illegible blurs. "Can’t quite make it out. Anyway, seems pretty familiar to me." Unbeknown to him, three wasps steal a hive, which he must later retrieve, behind him. He turns around, missing them by mere seconds. "Huh? What was that? Oh, well. This way I suppose." He turns around and walks down the path behind him.
The scene changes to an enormous castle, zooming in through the window, we see the same throne room as before, with the throne occupied with Panther King, the previous monarchy. One of his guards walk over. "More milk, sire?"
The Panther King growled. "Yes." His voice was very low and threatening. The Panther King holds out a glass, which the slim guard pours milk into. He takes a sip and sets the glass down on the table beside him. The table in question happens to be missing an entire leg section. Newton's law takes effect as the table tips and the glass shatters on the floor, spilling milk everywhere.
The guard flinched, completely anticipating what is about to happen as the Panther King glares at him and attempts hyperventilation. The camera fades as he puts his dark, heartless soul into the loudest roar that has ever been heard to this day.
Our squirrel hero interrupts the cut scene, "Hey, Narat-ah don't ya think that was a bit too, ya know, overly dramatic. I mean, I saw the cut scene too, and it wasn't THAT loud."
Those who read the first two chapters before they were combined into one, yes there is more at the end. (and it's been a few years, reread it.)
"Uh,..." Conker awoke with a terrible hangover. His head vibrated with the thump thump of his heart beats. "It's gonna be one of those days."
He looked around to get a feel of his mysterious surroundings. There was a fence to his right, just about as tall as he was, nothing he could do with that; A giant mountain side blocked his path behind; And he was surrounded by water, and he didn't trust himself to swim with a hangover like THIS. Looked like his only path was forward.
He decided to wander around, hoping his headache would ease with movement. His footstep strayed behind him in the gooey with each painful step, each one feeling like the weight of barbells until he found himself on the other side of fenced-in field where there was an opening. Passing through, he found a scarecr...a dark pink lob of hair lying on the ground.
"What are you?" Conker asked the lob, his head still throbbing. "Aren't you supposed to be Birdy?"
"Who? Me?" The lob lifted off the ground reveling a pink shaded horse. "I'm Pinkie Pie!"
"Binky? But your a horse."
"No, Silly! Pinkie, as in, my color!"
"Oh, never mind, listen can you help me? I need to get home and go to bed cause I don't feel very well at all."
"Home?" The pony was surprisingly chipper despite the situation. "No, silly!"
"Oh. So you can't help me at all."
"Sure I can! Come over here and I'll explain b-pads"
"Um...okay...what's your name? Wait, no we went over this." He pulled a pile of stapled papers out of his pocket. "We're breaking the script, didn't you get one?"
"I don't need a script! Just come over on the b- pad."
Conker skimmed the script, or at least attempted to. He couldn't see right with his blurred vision, so he just threw the script over his shoulder. "Alright, b-pads. We'll pick up there." He waddled over to the b-pad.
"Okey-dokie! These pads are context sensitive. Press 'B'."
"Press 'B'?"
"Yup! The light come on, makes this really fun noise, ting, and you press 'B'." A light-bulb appeared over Conker, creating the same ting noise Pinkie had demonstrated. "There ya go! ting"
"That's it?"
"Yep!"
"Okay, I'll press 'B'."
Conker pulls out a large cup filled with chocolate milk.
"Oo! That's mine!" Pinkie grabs the glass and sticks her face in it. 3 seconds later, her face emerges from the glass with chocolate smeared across her mouth. "Oh, ya! That's the stuff!"
"What does that mean?"
"It MEANS context sensitive! It's sensitive to context! Try that one over there." She magically opened the gate. "Or, you could try it again! Pretty please!"
Rolling his eyes, he pulled out a can of helium. The mare (At least, he assumed it was a mare. He didn't see a dick.) immediately started chugging it. "Really nice helium." She said, her voice much higher pitched.
In one last attempt to get rid of her, he pulled out a pail, that's right, a pail filled to the top with chocolate milk.
Pinkie's eyes widened and her mouth started to water. She desperately grabbed the pail and stuck her face in it, slurping away on her jackpot.
He left her to slurp as he slugged over to the b-pad on the other side of the newly opened gate. He pulled out an alka seltzer tablet and mixed it with a glass of water. He quickly chugged the mixture, knowing the migraine relief that came with it. His headache was was gone in an instant, with his vision perfectly clear.
"Wow. Just what I needed. In fact, it would seem to me that these give me just what I need at that moment in time. Ooh! I see what he means. Context sensitive. Clever! Hmm, and I feel loads better! Right. Let's get out of here. Oh, and by the way. If for whatever reason you want to skip all these wonderful cutscenes, then just press the L button. But, you will have to have watched them at least once." He explained, as if this were a video game, and not a fimfiction.
"Hey! You, squirrel! I didn't catch your name."
Say a cool name, like Nitro, Dax, or Steel "My name, is Conker. Uhh, (groan)."
"Conker, huh?" She glared at him. Within seconds, her face suddenly lit up into a big, hearty smile, "Okey-dokey then! Where to next?"
"Oh, no. Your following me around?" he asked, rhetorically. "Fine, it's not that bad, I guess. Maybe you know how I'm supposed to get home."
Oh. I can't seem to get any further. I'm sure there was something....ah yes. Now I remember! Hold down Z and I should crou...
"What are you doing, standing around? It's just a hop skip and a jump!" She then proceeded to break into song (Ctrl+Click) as she jump back and forth between the platform Conker was on and the next jump, a log jutting from the cliff face. By the time the song was over, Conker was already across and examining the large wooden door.
"Now, what do I do here," He reached into his back pocket to find it empty. He started patting all his pockets, to find they were all empty. "Where's my script?!"
Pinkie, who by this time had caught up and standing next to him, giggled, "You left it back there in the mud, remember, silly squirrel?"
"Call me that again and I'll beat you arse into the final boss fight."
Pinkie zipped her lips shut, locked it, and walked over to the.... Conker was already by the bridge by now examining the scene before him. Pinkie rushed ahead to catch up. "What're you looking at?" she said climbing the pathway up to Conker. She then stood there slack-jawed, staring the the scene before her too.
"Twilight?"
A purple pony wearing glasses, obviously named Twilight, was leaning over top a psychiatrist's chair. Lying in the chair was a humongous gargoyle covering the width of the bridge, blocking any possible crossings.
Twilight turned around levitated her glasses off her face. The world went slow-motion as she flicked her hair up into the air, landing in her usual style. Conker stared at the hot mare. He knew he'd found love. She looked in his direction, and even talked towards him with the sexiest voice he'd ever heard, "Hey, Pinkie, whose your friend?"
Conker fainted, lovestruck.
"I don't know what happened! First he was up, then he fell over, and now he's not talking anymore, and-"
"It's okay Pinkie, I'm not mad at you," There was that sexy voice again. "What was his name again?"
"My name's Conker, what's yours?"
Twilight stared at him. "Uh, um, sorry. My name's Twilight." She tried clearing the awkwardness. "What brings you here?"
"I woke up hungover right over there." He pointed at the island at the start. "I just want to get home and sleep with you."
Twilight, having never had an admirer of any sort, had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. So she just stood there, blushing. The situation was getting awkward.
"Ooo! Who's that!" Leave it to Pinkie to break the awkwardness.
"That," Twi cleared her throat. "That is Goliath. He was leader of the Man-hat-in Clan."
"Manhattan? Don't you mean Manehattan?"
"No, he was very picky about that." He seems to be sleeping now though, but I can't get around him."
"I don't want to get around you, this view is amazing."
Twilight sigh, "Why don't you just go find us a way through, okay?"
"As you wish." He bowed in the same way Spike does for Rarity. Twilight shivered as he rushed off down the hill.
"Could we maybe build around him?" Twilight was brainstorming. The incessant squirrel could return any second.
"This isn't Minecraft, Twi."
"Mine-what?"
"I return, my love!" The grating sound of his voice buzzed inside Twilight's ear.
She sighed, "What did you find?"
"Just a shitty frying pan, but it should work." Twilight flinched at the cursings. His vocabulary was miniscule at best, but yet the only words in his lexicon seemed to be vulgar.
"First, stop with your repulsive jargon. It's revolting temperament is breaking me to the point of vomiting my lunch." She paused, waiting for a response.
Conker stood there staring at her for the next ten seconds. He finally replied, "You sure are pretty when you ramble."
Twilight face-hoofed. She hadn't gotten to use such marvelous vocabulary since accepting that television contract about her life, and now she can't even convey her message correctly. "Ok, let me tone it down," she'd gotten use to that, "Stop swearing."
"Oh, ok, my love." he mumbled something under his breath Twilight didn't hear, nor cared to.
She glanced at Goliath, "So how is that supposed to help us?"
Conker walked over and swatted him with the frying pan, arousing him from his sleep. Twilight's ears fell as he got up out of his chair and leaned down towards Conker.
"You think that will get me off of this bridge?" he started laughing, leaning back as he did. Conker waved him good-bye as he fell off the bridge into a shallow lake of water below.
Pinkie looked over the edge after him. "Woah!" she gasped, "What happened?"
"He stepped wrong and-"
"Ya think he's hurt?"
Conker stared in disbelief at Pinkie for easily over 15 minutes, which was easy to do, because her eyes were fixed on the gargoyle lying unconscious in the pool of water below. They probably would have gone on for longer, had not Twilight been absolutely frustrated by the boulder blocking the seemingly linear path.
One frustrated "hmph" snapped Conker and Pinkie's attention to her. She had already gone around and checked all the other holes and passages, to no avail. She waved a hoof, signalling them to her.
"I don't know if you two noticed," Twilight explained, "but the crash from Goliath hitting 'rock bottom' blocked the path." She awaited their reaction to her clever pun. Pinkie rolled her eyes, and Conker stared at her flank. She didn't bother to cover herself, what would be the point?
"So what now?" Pinkie asked.
"The closest thing to a solution I could find is that pad over there with a cryptic letter 'B' on the face," she motioned towards it. "I can't come up with what that's supposed to be for, but I assumed—Conker!" She stomped her hoof as she noticed Conker's hand reaching lower. "If you could figure something out, that would be great!"
Conker snapped to attention. He quickly looked around and, without a word, parkoured to the platform. ting!
Pulling out a push lever labeled "T.N.T", he motioned the mares away from the rock. "Plunger, with dynamite. I think I know what's going to happen now." He gives it a firm push and the entire boulder shredded to pebbles flies everywhere. "Woah, yep. Fantastic!" he motions at the mares to follow him through the new doorway. "Let's go and get some shuteye, finally!"
