When Anon ends up in Equestria, he isn't happy about it; maybe spending a week in bed would be a good way to get over this sudden change in his life?
When Anon ends up in Equestria, he decides that spending a week in bed would be a good way to get over this sudden and dramatic change in his life.
Twilight and her friends aren't so keen on this idea, and attempt to convince him otherwise; who will finally get him to see sense?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The cover is cropped from its (SFW) source on Derpibooru; I needed an image of an Anon in bed, and this was the best one I could find that didn't have a pony in the bed with him.
Lying on your back, staring at the sky above, is something you only do when the internet connection in your house stops working, yet the last thing you remember is kicking ass and taking names on that first-person shooter you enjoy so much.
But here you are, gazing up at a beautiful blue sky with nary a cloud in it; jumping out of your seat and screaming with joy may be a valid method of celebrating a victory, but it may have led to some minor brain trauma this time around.
You get to your feet, dust yourself off, and take a look around. There are some buildings in the distance, so you decide to go over and see if you can figure out where on Earth you are. It's a warm day, the birds are singing and the delightful aroma of flowers and freshly cut grass is being carried on the wind.
It's a hell of a lot better than the smell of whatever it was that your neighbour had for their dinner last night, that's for sure.
It doesn't take long for you to cover the distance to the buildings, which appear to make up a town of some kind. But, as you get closer, a feeling of dread makes its presence known when you realise that you can't see any people.
What you can see, however, are a lot of multi-coloured ponies; some of them have wings, some of them have horns, but all of them are talking away to each other without a care in the world.
Naturally, all of the activity in the town grinds to a halt as soon as the ponies catch sight of you. Many of them back away a little as you continue walking, but many more seem intrigued; a few of them even reach out to try and touch you as you pass, almost as if they want to check that they're not imagining things.
"Hey, you!" a voice calls out. "Stop right there!"
You stop and turn to the source of the voice to find a group of six ponies walking towards you, the rest of them standing aside to let them pass. The pony at the front of the group has wings and a horn, which tells you that she must be important... either that, or she's the pony equivalent of a genetic experiment gone wrong.
It is this pony who addresses you. "Hello there!" she says eagerly. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I am the Princess of Friendship. This is Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie; we just wanted to welcome you to Ponyville."
"Uh, hi." you wave meekly. "My name is Anonymous, Anon for short, and I have no idea what in the world is going on right now."
Twilight nods sympathetically. "That's perfectly understandable," she replies. "You are clearly not meant to be here, so why don't you come with us? We'll go back to my castle, get something to eat, and you can tell us what you can remember; maybe together we'll figure out a way to get you back home?"
"Yeah, okay," you say. "To tell you the truth, though, I probably just need to go to bed and rest for a while; I was up most of the night playing games, and I think I hit my head while celebrating a win."
"Oh, my!" Rarity says dramatically. "In that case, we should get you to the castle immediately; hurting your head can lead to all sorts of problems. Twilight, darling, do you have any spare rooms?"
"Of course I do, Rarity," Twilight says. "I've got about thirty-five spare rooms." Her friends raise their eyebrows and she blushes, rubbing one foreleg against the other. "What? I had some spare time, so I counted all the rooms in the castle."
You rub your temples. "Can we just go?" you grumble. "I want to get into a bed as soon as humanly possible; I've got a thumping headache, and want to end this dream already."
Twilight nods in response and leads the way through the streets to her castle, which looks like something out of a child's playset. You follow her inside, marvelling at the size of the place, and straight to one of the spare rooms. As soon as your eyes fall upon the bed, your legs go into overdrive; you rush across the room, almost knocking over Fluttershy in the process, and throw yourself onto it. You kick your shoes off and enter full-on burrito mode, wrapping yourself in the covers as though your life depended on it.
"Um, okay?" Rainbow Dash says. "I guess he's going to go to sleep; come on, everypony, let's leave him to it."
"I'll go and prepare my notebooks." Twilight is beaming from ear to ear. "All the testing and experiments I'll be doing, I can't wait!"
"And I have a welcome party to prepare!" Pinkie says with a flourish, before disappearing in what looks like a cloud of confetti.
"I'd better get back ta the farm," Applejack says. "But I'll be round in the mornin' to see how yer tests are goin', Twilight."
Fluttershy doesn't say anything; she just smiles at you in your fortress of comfort and leaves with the others. As the last one leaves, the door closes with a gentle click and you slowly begin to drift off to sleep, promising yourself that you will never stay up past three in the morning ever again.
Morning soon comes, and with it comes the realisation that you're still in your blanket burrito in a room in a castle with more sparkles than teenage vampires, in a town populated entirely by ponies. In other words, your situation sucks harder than a vacuum cleaner, and you simply cannot comprehend the fact that you might very well be stuck in this land of friendly, multi-coloured equines.
You readjust your blankets, wrapping them tighter around you; whether you are attempting to block out the world or cut off the circulation to your brain remains to be seen. You don't even notice when the door opens and somepony walks in, though you do hear Twilight when she clears her throat and addresses you.
"Good morning, Anon!" she says cheerfully. "How are you feeling?"
"Like crap," you mutter. "I haven't quite woken up yet."
"Is your head all right?" Twilight asks. "Do you need a doctor?"
You sigh. "My head is fine, Twilight," you reply. "I thought everything I'd seen thus far was a hallucination brought on by blunt force trauma to the skull; the fact I'm still here and talking to you can only mean that this is all really happening... and I hate it!"
Twilight's pupils shrink to pinpricks and her ears flatten against her head, a clear sign she has been taken aback by your outburst.
"W-why do you hate it?" she asks.
"Why do you think?!" you snap back. "I've been taken away from everything and everyone I've known and loved; I don't even know if I'll see my home again, my family will miss me terribly, and I have to spend the rest of my life in a place where I am literally the only one of my kind, meaning I'll never see another human again!"
Twilight takes a moment to think, as well as regain her composure, before she replies. "I can't imagine what that must feel like, Anon," she says. "But who knows; maybe there is a way to get you home? I can't guarantee that it'll be quick – or easy – but it could happen. And even if we can't send you back, then you have my friends, myself and the ponies of Equestria to help you adjust."
You stifle a laugh at the mention of 'Equestria,' instead choosing to turn it into a dismissive grunt. "Whichever way you word it, Twilight, I am still stuck here; I'm stuck until you find a way back for me, which – as you said – could take anywhere from today to never, and I'm stuck if you don't find a way back." You turn your back on her. "Just... leave me alone, will you?"
"But... I was hoping to run some tests," Twilight replies. "And maybe ask you a few questions about where you come from?"
"Oh, you want to run some tests?" you say. "Well, you can start by testing the endurance of humans... by getting the hell out and leaving me to stay in bed for as long as physically possible."
Twilight lets out a small whimper at this, but the sound of her hoofsteps, followed by the door opening and closing, tells you that she has complied with your wishes... at least for now.
With nothing else to do, you decide to go back to sleep.
When you wake up the next morning, you see that someone has put a plate of food on the table next to you. You eat it, grateful for some sustenance, then dump the plates on the floor and readjust the sheets which came loose in the night.
After spending so long in bed, you're starting to smell like a bin that has been set on fire and extinguished by a skunk. You reluctantly get out of bed and go to the door, which you open slowly as not to make any noise. Poking your head out, you see that there is nobody around, so you head across the corridor into the bathroom, where you wash yourself in the sink on account of the fact you'd shatter your spine if you tried getting in the shower.
Satisfied that you no longer smell like something military scientists would want to weaponise, you head back to your fortress... only to find Fluttershy changing the bedlinen. She is humming to herself as she puts a fresh duvet cover on; in fact, she's so preoccupied, she doesn't even notice you until you're standing in front of her.
"Fluttershy."
She lets out a half scream, half squeak and flops onto her back with all four legs pointing straight up. You stand over her and see, with some amusement, that her eyes are closed and her tongue is sticking out one side of her mouth.
"Fluttershy, it's Anon, remember?" you step over her and get back into bed. "Stop pretending to be dead."
She slowly stands up, her cheeks turning crimson. "Oh, hello, Anon," she says. "Sorry about that; I tend to scare easily." A smile crosses her face as she gestures to the bed. "I changed the bedlinen for you if, um, that's all right."
"It's fine, thank you," you reply.
Fluttershy nods. "You're welcome," she says. "So, um, I had some spare time after making sure I'd tended to my animal friends, and decided to come over and see how you are doing."
"I'm doing great," you respond. "Twilight reckons there's a possibility I'll be home in the year never, give or take a few years divided by however long a snowball can last in Hell."
Either Fluttershy doesn't pick up on your sarcasm, or she chooses to ignore it. "That's nice," she replies. "So, how would you like to go outside? I can show you around Ponyville, if you want me to."
You look over at her; she's still got that sincere smile on her face, and her eyes almost look as if they're shining. If you weren't in such a foul mood right now, you'd almost find it adorable.
"You mentioned animals?" you ask.
"Oh, yes." Fluttershy nods again. "I take care of many animals at my home just outside of Ponyville, and I—"
"Do you ever bug those animals when they're trying to sleep?" you snap, to which she shakes her head. "Right then; would you do me the same courtesy, and just leave me alone?"
Fluttershy's smile evaporates in nanoseconds, and is replaced with a soul-crushing look of utter and hopeless despair. She doesn't say anything as she leaves the room, though you do pick up the sound of her crying as she runs away down the corridor.
You feel a pang of regret for the briefest of moments, but you brush it aside as you shut your eyes and wait for sleep to claim you.
These words are the first thing you hear when you wake up the next morning, once again feeling as though you have gained the ability to speed up time simply by staying in bed.
"Answer me, Anon." You open your eyes to see Rainbow Dash sitting a few feet away from you with murder in her eyes, which she narrows at you as you awaken. "Did you make Fluttershy cry?"
"I might have," you reply. "What's it to you?" Rainbow Dash stands up and walks over to you; without warning, she proceeds to slap you in the face with a wing. "Ow, hey! What was that for?!"
Dash puts her face against yours. "Fluttershy is my oldest friend," she snarls. "We've known each other since we were fillies, and I've always promised that I would keep an eye out for her. So if you hurt her feelings again, I promise I'm going to make your life a living hell." She slaps you again. "Got it?"
You push her away from you and rub your face. "Yeah, I get it," you reply. "Now, is that all you came here to say, or are you going to try and convince me to get up and actually do stuff?"
To your surprise, Dash shakes her head. "Actually, no," she says. "I for one couldn't give a damn what you do, as long as it doesn't involve upsetting my friends. In fact..." She looks around, as if checking to make sure no-one is listening. "I'm kinda jealous."
"You... you're jealous?" you ask. "Why?"
Dash laughs. "I'd love to spend all day in bed, just doing nothing," she says. "But I have responsibilities to think of, so I can't." She sighs. "Basically, Anon, I am jealous of your ability to just stop giving a crap about everything and everypony."
"Um, okay..." you rub the back of your head. "I certainly wasn't expecting that; I honestly thought you were going to do everything you could to get me out of my pit and be productive."
"Pfft." Dash waves a forehoof dismissively. "Why be productive when you can be asleep? Let me tell you, if I could make money by being asleep, you bet your flank I'd be doing it right now."
You chuckle. "Well, thanks, I guess," you say. "At least somebody around here understands that I want to be alone right now."
"Yeah, about that." Dash sighs. "Look, I know that things must suck for you right now, but you need to liven up; how am I supposed to show you how awesome Equestria is if you're cooped up in here?"
"It's not as easy as you think, Rainbow," you reply. "I've had a huge load of crap dumped on me, and it's going to take some – no, a lot of – time to get used to it; you can't expect me to adjust to such a life-altering change like that." You snap your fingers.
Dash nods. "All right, Anon, I get it." she walks over to the door. "I'll leave you alone, but you have to promise me a couple of things. First, you apologise to Fluttershy and second, you let me know when you're ready for a night on the town."
"Sure thing, Rainbow." you nod back. "See ya."
After that, the cycle repeats itself: the pony leaves, you close your eyes, and soon it'll be morning again.
You wake up to what sounds like wind chimes; opening your eyes reveals Rarity standing next to you with a tape measure floating around her head. She gasps as you wake up and takes a step back, allowing you to focus your attention on her.
"What were you doing?" you ask. "And don't say 'nothing,' because I heard your magic going; that's what the noise was."
Rarity's horn sparks to life and the tape measure levitates off the floor, into a position in front of her face. "I was simply taking your measurements, darling," she replies. "Now hold still and let me finish; I have visions of you wearing a fabulous new ensemble, including suits made from the finest Saddle Arabian silk."
The tape measure dances around your body while Rarity occasionally takes notes on a piece of parchment, scribbling down the figures related to your figure with the occasional "Hmm..." "Aha!" or "Oh, how marvellous!" escaping her lips.
"You know you're wasting your time, right?" you ask. "Why would I need clothes when I'm going to spend all my time in this room?"
Rarity giggles. "Don't be ridiculous, Anon!" she says. "Trust me, darling; when you finally see what I'm making for you, I guarantee that you will want to be seen out in public as much as possible!"
"You seem quite sure of yourself, Rarity, but you don't know me at all," you respond. "I'm not the sort of guy who gets excited at the prospect of new clothes, nor do I exactly go out of my way to ensure that I'm the centre of attention."
Rarity doesn't seem phased in the slightest; with a flourish, she takes down the last of your measurements and tucks her notes and the tape measure into a bag. "Well then, perhaps a new wardrobe could also lead to a new you, wouldn't you agree?" She bats her eyelashes at you in an attempt to get her point across.
"No, I don't agree," you reply. "Instead of a suit, why don't you do me a solid and make a set of pyjamas which are magically enchanted to always keep me clean? That way, I don't need to bother with such a trivial thing as showering every day."
Rarity waves a forehoof at you. "That would be a shameful waste of my talents, dear Anon," she says. "Now, what do you—"
"'Shameful waste of your talents?'" you do your best to impersonate Rarity's accent. "More like you haven't got the talent."
Rarity gasps. "How dare you?!" she screeches. "I am one of the greatest designers in Equestria; I think I am more than capable of making something so basic as a pair of pyjamas!"
You narrow your eyes at her. "Prove it."
Rarity pauses for a moment, then stamps a forehoof into the carpet. "Right!" she snaps. "I'll show you; I will devote as much time and energy as I can into making your precious pyjamas!"
With that, she gathers up her notes and tape measure and sweeps out of the room with practised grace, leaving you alone once more.
"Good." you plump up your pillow. "That should keep her busy for a while. Now..." A yawn escapes you. "Now, back to sleep."
Not only does the sudden and thunderous noise in your ear wake you up, it also sends you flying out of bed and onto the floor. As you scramble to your feet and take a few deep breaths to calm your heart rate, you see Pinkie Pie standing at the head of the bed... and what appears to be a giant chocolate cake at the foot of it.
"Pinkie..." you rub your eyes. "What in the everloving hell is this?"
She giggles. "Well, I did tell you that I was going to arrange a welcome party," she replies. "But Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Rarity have all told me that you're refusing to get out of bed. So..." She points at the cake. "I figured I'd bring you this, to show you the sort of thing you'd be missing out on."
You involuntarily lick your lips as you cast your eyes over the cake and its many layers of chocolate; it almost looks too good to eat, but you can't bring yourself to even consider doing that.
"Of course, this is just a taste – pun intended – of what would be on offer at your welcome party," Pinkie continues. "However, if there's not going to be a welcome party, because you won't get out of bed, I guess I don't need to keep this delicious cake around." In the blink of an eye, she launches herself at the cake and devours it in one go, like a snake eating a bird egg. Once its gone, Pinkie sits on her haunches, licks the frosting off her face, and lets out a small belch. "Oh, excuse me." She looks at you. "So whaddya say, Anonymous, do you still want to stay in bed?"
With the cake gone, its hold on you has also vanished; you nod vigorously and get back under the covers. "Yes," you reply. "I am; besides, I'm not really a party kind of person."
Pinkie seems surprised by your response, but she eventually shrugs. "Well, I tried," she says. "Time to initiate Plan Be."
"'Plan B?'" you scoff. "And what is 'Plan B' all about?"
Pinkie grins at you. "Not 'B' the letter, silly," she says. "I said the word 'be.'" She produces a pair of cymbals. "As in... be annoying."
Your eyes widen as she begins parading around the room, crashing the cymbals together every few seconds. At first, you attempt to block out the sound by lying on your side and pressing the pillow to the side of your head not on the mattress, but Pinkie counters this by simply standing next to you; after a few minutes, you sit bolt upright and throw the pillow at her.
"ENOUGH ALREADY!" you shout. "Jeez, Pinkie, can't you see that my situation is bad enough as it is without you making it worse? Now, you can do that for as long as you want, but I guarantee you will only succeed in making me even more determined to stay put! So why don't you just do us both a favour and stop already?!"
Pinkie tosses the cymbals to one side. "All right, Anon," she says dejectedly. "You win; I'll leave you alone." She walks over to the door and places a forehoof on the handle. "But remember that there's still one more of us who wants to try and talk to you."
"Whatever." you shrug. "Five of you have already failed; what makes you think that Applejack is going to succeed?"
Pinkie offers you a weak smile. "You'll see," she says as she opens the door. "You'll see." She steps out and closes the door behind her, the sound of hoofsteps soon fading to silence once again.
You wake up expecting to find a pony in the room with you, and that's exactly what you get; sure enough, Applejack is standing at the foot of your bed with a small grin on her face.
"I've been expecting you," you say. "Let's get this over with."
Applejack nods. "Thank ya kindly fer givin' me the chance ta try an' talk some sense into you, Anon," she replies. "Now, the way I see it, mah friends have been trying to help you based on what they do best; Twilight wanted your help to study, Fluttershy was bein' kind, Rainbow Dash was bein'... Rainbow Dash, Rarity was bein' generous by offerin' ta make you some clothes, and Pinkie tried to make you feel happy, but – when that failed – took things a bit far."
"Uh-huh." you roll your eyes and fold your arms. "And what is it that you are good at, Applejack? What manner of tricks or talk will you throw at me in some vain attempt to make me 'see sense?'"
"Bein' honest is what I do best, Anon, so that's why I'm here." Applejack adjusts her hat and looks at you. "Now, I understand that ya ain't happy about losing yer old life, and that the prospect of never seein' yer friends and family again is soul-destroyin', but cowerin' under the bedclothes like a little bitch ain't gonna help."
Your eyes widen. Did she seriously just say that to me?!
"B-but... you... well, I—"
Applejack cuts you off. "Don't you get it? We want to help you, but if you're gonna coop yerself up in here an' cry like a filly who lost her favourite dolly, how can we? So quit yer moanin, drag yer pathetic carcass outta that bed and stallion up; help us help you."
It takes a moment for her words to sink in, but you eventually concede that she does have a point. Moping around isn't going to help you; you need to grow a pair and accept what's happened.
You slowly slide of the bed and stand up, locking eyes with Applejack, whose grin now threatens to consume her face. Without saying a word to you, she walks over to the door and opens it to reveal her friends waiting in the corridor. All six of them look at you expectantly, waiting for you to find the words.
"You're right, Applejack; I've been a jerk." you take a deep breath and let it out. "I need to face this change with courage and determination, as well as work with you, not against you. It may become apparent that I'll never be able to return home, but the six of you have shown that you are willing to help me adjust to what may very well become my new life. So with that in mind, let me grab a quick shower and some breakfast, then we'll get started with those tests that Twilight wanted to do."
Applejack smiles at you. "I'm glad you finally came to yer senses, Anonymous," she replied. "But there's something ya gotta do before we let you go fer a shower and some food."
"Oh?" you ask. "What?"
Five forehooves point at Fluttershy, and five voices speak in unison.
"Apologise."
You nod sagely and do just that; the first step on the road to your new life in this world of friendship and wisdom.
