Episode 1: KPNY's One and Only
It’ll take me a while to pick up for where I left off, but I’ll be as brief as possible. After spending some time as a guidance counselor in Twilight’s Friendship school, I moved to Canterlot to further my studies. After about a decade, I finally received my medical degree in Pan-Creature Psychiatry. I then returned to my hometown of Sire’s Hollow, to start a private practice as a professional, accredited psychiatrist.
I had not been in private practice for very long when I received a letter from KPNY radio in Sire’s Hollow. Sire’s Hollow, as part of their redevelopment campaign, wanted to revitalize the economy by being one of the pioneering towns in Equestria outfitted with (at the time) brand-new radio technology.
For the past 2 years, I have hosted KPNY’s Dr. Starlight Glimmer Show, where I provide my services as a trained psychiatrist to the public. Anycreature can call in for help regarding any aspect of their mental health: dating, marriage, career, families, you name it. And I’ll be listening.
You may have heard of my show already. It’s made me quite the celebrity in Sire’s Hollow. In fact, I’ve had people ask for my autograph in Sire’s Hollow more than a few times. Okay, I lied, not more than a few times, just a few times. Okay, less than few times. Okay, okay, it never happened! Fine. Whatever. But I get paid the most out of all the talent on KPNY. That must bear some significance.
I’m not the only one who’s moved to Sire’s Hollow to try to make it big in radio. Smolder, the dragon, she’s all grown up now. She moved around a bit after graduating from the School of Friendship, and now she’s here in Sire’s Hollow. She has a morning sports show on KPNY called “Dragon Talk.” (“Where we cover what’s flaming hot in Equestria sports.”) We rarely bump into each other in the studio, though, since she has the 8am slot and I the 7pm.
Trixie moved to Sire’s Hollow shortly after my radio show started. Her magic shows weren’t doing very well at paying the bills, so she offered to be my show producer. Which was a great relief for me at the time. My old producer kept falling asleep in the middle of the show underneath her sunglasses. Or sometimes I’d catch her listening to raging house music through her headphones instead of taking calls. I forgot her name. I think she used to be a nightclub DJ or something. I remember her because Twilight tried to play “friendship matchmaker” with us a long time ago. Ah, those were the days. The days of my youth.
Though to be frank, Trixie’s not much better as a producer. Instead of falling asleep, she daydreams behind a magazine instead. And she likes to cut in and give, shall we say, unorthodox advice to the callers. Like that last time she told that pony with a fear of birds to kill a chicken for dinner in order to overcome her fear.
Lesson learned: never have your best friend as your coworker. I swear, I could train a mule to do the kind of job that she does as producer. I don’t know why she still has the job.
Zephyr Breeze, Fluttershy’s brother, also has a show on KPNY, just after mine. He hosts “Zephy-Zeph’s Magical Mysterical Mane Rescue…YOWZA! BONG!” Which is an obscenely long title for a 30-minute rant on what mane styles are in and which ones are out, in his (totally unqualified) opinion. I mention him because if he’s been able to keep his job for the past 2 years…then there’s no reason why I should be so tough on Trixie.
Zephyr carries in this big gong into the booth for his show. And he bangs it. All. The. Time. You can hear it through the booth walls. BONG! BONG! BONG! It’s for “meditative peacefulness of Zen,” as he puts it. It’s also the reason why I eat my lunch in the back of the studio.
Needless to say, I try to get out of the booth as fast as I can after my show is up. Not just ‘cause of the noise, but because he flirts with everypony. He even sweet-talked the night watchpony into going out to dinner with him once. (The lighting wasn’t good and he mistook the elderly earth pony for a “smokin’ hot babe.” So he claimed.)
And the worst part is, he’s absolutely terrible at flirting. He tries to flip his over-lacquered mane—it doesn’t budge an inch. “I’m the stuff, eh!?” he yells, pounding his chest, giving me that stupid wink that he thinks looks sexy. “All the hot mares dig the radio host gig, amirite, eh? Eh? If you know what I mean. Celebrity~!”
“In that case, why don’t you find some other ‘hot mare’ to dote on,” I say, rolling my eyes. Trixie and I have figured out that he’s really all talk. “I’ll bet that gong is the only thing he’s banging,” Trixie said to me once. And it’s not like Zephyr’s mean-spirited or anything. As far as I know, and from what Fluttershy has told me, Zephyr has never molested anycreature. He just gets out of hand with the flirting sometimes.
I’ve done a psychoanalysis on him, admittedly a cursory one (because I try to get the hell out of his sight whenever I happen to be near him), but it seems to me Zephyr acts this way as a way to reassert his sexual prowess, due to rejection he had experienced in the past that burned a hole in his psyche. I suspect it’s Rainbow Dash’s rejection. And without a partner as a sexual release, it manifests itself as typical nymphomaniac behavior. Except Trixie and I suspect that Zephyr’s still a virgin at 34.
“This is Dr. Starlight Glimmer, signing off, wishing everypony good mental health.” And with that I cut off the air, concluding the evening’s show. It was a typical evening of callers—one call regarding a breakup, two calls regarding claustrophobia, one call regarding a drastic career change, and of course seven calls from Dad, checking in on his little “pumpky-wumpkin.”
I took off my headphones with my unicorn magic and hung them on the hook. You know, ever since I got into radio, I’ve combed my mane back to its old style, with bangs, so that the headphones fit better and I don’t get the dreaded “headphone mane.” Zephyr said it suits me—not that I care for his opinion. In any case, I can just picture Twilight having a massive heart attack if she saw my mane now.
“Good show, Starlight,” Trixie said, coming out of the producer’s booth.
“You headed to Jubilosa?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Me too. I’ll teleport us there.”
In a quick flash, we arrived at the entrance. Trixie and I sat down at a table. Café Jubilosa is one of those trendy, hipster coffee shops in the redeveloped part of town. The prices are reasonable and the place is charmingly decorated (if you consider exposed brick, ductwork, and unfinished wood tables “charming”), so Trixie and I always stop by after work for some coffee before we go our separate ways and head back home. Trixie lives in a cottage in the older part of town. I lived in my father’s home when I first moved here, then shortly after I moved to a penthouse in the brand-new Sire’s Bay Towers. I was so excited to leave, I teleported all my furniture to the condo at one go. I’m quite proud of that spell.
I ordered my usual that evening. Jubliosa serves a killer cold brew coffee and fresh-made nougat. Perfect for the hot, humid summers in Sire’s Hollow.
“One ice latte to go, please,” Trixie said to the waiter.
“To go?” I asked. “You’re headed somewhere?”
“Well, no. The Great and Powerful Trixie apologizes…”—I rolled my eyes—"…but unfortunately she can’t sit with you very long. She’s meeting a stallion here for a first date.”
“Well, let me put on my surprised face.” It must have been stallion number 31 so far this year. And it was only May. Sire’s Hollow is growing boomtown, but it isn’t that big. I’m convinced she’s going to run out of stallions by the time she hits 40.
“Oh, stop teasing, Starlight,” Trixie said. “The essence shop owner down the street, he arranged a blind date for me. He’s such a nice stallion; so helpful.”
“Yeah, nice. Especially after that evening his wife caught you sleeping with him and he got that nasty ‘horn injury.’” Trixie claimed that she hadn’t the slightest idea the essence shop owner was married—but that isn’t the point, really. I’m convinced that Trixie has dated half the eligible stallions in Sire’s Hollow. And about three-quarters of the non-eligible ones.
“Oh, Starlight, you don’t understand,” Trixie said, taking a sip of her iced latte, leaning forward in her chair with a dreamy look in her eyes. “This time, it’s different. There’s such an air of mystery when it comes to blind dates, you know. He could be great. He could be POWERFUL. He could be…THE ONE!”
“Now where have I heard that before?”
“Come on, Starlight, you’re just jealous that you’re not getting any,” Trixie said, fluttering her eyelashes at me. She booped my snout. Oh Celestia, I hate it when she does that.
“Jealous of what?” I said. “A mare who goes through stallions faster than toilet paper?”
Trixie suddenly turned serious. Her natural-white mane drooped. “It’s not like I’m trying to. The Great and Powerful Trixie isn’t so great and powerful at attracting stallions.”
“You’re imprisoning yourself in self-limiting beliefs, Trixie. Why, through this, you’ve created a subconscious barrier to intimacy and true love.”
“Oh, don’t you start, ‘Doctor Starlight Glimmer,’” Trixie groaned, slumping in her chair and rolling her eyes. Okay, she was within her rights to groan—we had a prior agreement not to discuss anything work-related outside of the studio. It drove Trixie mad. (“How would YOU feel if The Great and Powerful Trixie started pulling rabbits and the ace of spades out of a hat while you were brushing your teeth!?” she argued. She had a point.)
“But never mind that,” I said. “Life’s too short to argue over such trivial things.” Because all they were were just petty arguments. In the big picture…it’s quite a wonderful life. Back in my home town, after so many years away from home. A beautiful evening, stars in the sky. A refreshing drink served in such a lovely café. Nothing quite so civilized. I’d do Rarity proud.
“You look stupid with your snout turned up like that,” Trixie grumbled, resting her cheek on her front hoof.
I was about to say something very smart and witty back (exactly what, I forget), but Trixie cut me off after she noticed the time. She stood up. “It’s about time, he’ll be coming soon. I’ll sit over there. Wish me luck!”
“Here, don’t forget your coffee!” I levitated the cup towards Trixie, who had sat down at another table.
“Keep it, Starlight. I want to see if this stallion buys me a drink. The last one offered to split the bill. Call me old fashioned, but…gross.”
“Gross. Indeed.” I rolled my eyes. I rested my chin on the table, staring at the distorted pictures in my empty ice coffee glass. The glass was large enough to obstruct a good chunk of my face. A bit of condensation on the glass fell and dripped on my snout. I shivered. I wasn’t expecting it. It was hot as hell that day because the pegasi in town were on strike and wouldn’t give us any rain. The ice in my glass was melting away faster than Fluttershy at a large social gathering. (I made up that myself. I swear.)
A minute later, I saw a purplish blob appear through my glass. Not like the color of Twilight’s fur, but with a more bluish tint. Somepony had entered the café.
“Excuse me, are you Trixie Lulamoon?” I heard a familiar voice say.
“Yes, I am,” I heard Trixie say.
“Hi, I believe we’re expecting each other. So nice to meet you. I’m Firelight.”
“Did somepony say ‘Firelight!?’” I was suddenly jolted upright. I immediately saw my very own father sitting at my very own best friend’s table. With bits on the table. No. He’s not. He’s buying her a drink. Which means…no. Oh, no…I stormed over to Trixie’s table.
“Th-the bits on the table!” I was practically delirious, and those were all the words that I managed to get out of my mouth.
“Yes, I know, Starlight,” Trixie said happily. “This stallion was kind enough to buy me a drink.”
“I’m not talking about that, I’m…I’m…” I pointed at Dad.
“You know this stallion?” Trixie asked.
“Damn right I do! Your ‘blind date’ just so happens to be my DAD!”
Dad, being the totally oblivious pony that he is, didn’t even notice that I was standing there until a few seconds of tense silence.
“Hey! Fancy seeing you here, my little pumpky-wumpkin!” he said casually.