Chapter 1
Thunderlane rolled out of bed just after dawn, stretched his wings, and staggered down to the kitchen. It took him a few tries to mash the button on the coffeemaker with his hoof, but once the coffee was brewing, he stumbled to the front door of his small house and stepped onto his front stoop. He stretched again, sore from yesterday's Wonderbolts show.
The sun was barely up, and the first birds were singing. His breath fogged in the cold air. His front door looked out over Ponyville town square, and it didn't seem like any other ponies were out and about yet.
He bent down and picked up his edition of the Canterlot Times newspaper in his mouth, shut the door behind him—he locked it, some instinct told him to lock the door today—and went back to the kitchen.
He sipped coffee, unfolded the newspaper, and spewed coffee all over the newspaper.
His own picture, in his Wonderbolts outfit from yesterday's show, took up most of the front page.
The headline read: THUNDERLANE IS HOTTEST STALLION: VOTES TALLIED.
Oh, crap!
Thunderlane read the article, his heart beating faster and faster. He drank coffee, not noticing the heat, and burned the top of his mouth.
There was a knock on his door.
There was another knock on his door.
There was shouting outside his door. Female shouting.
There was a sound like somepony being bucked in the ribs outside his door.
He ran up the stairs to the second floor of his house, and used his feathers to grab a small mirror from his bathroom. He crawled across his bedroom, staying low and below the bottom edge of the window.
A dozen pegasus mares sat on the roofs of the houses he could see from his window. Thunderlane's bedroom was dark, thank goodness, and the day outside getting very bright, so they couldn't see his dark-colored form sneaking across the bedroom.
Thunderlane flopped onto his back, on the floor at the window, and lifted the mirror up until it juuuuusst poked over the edge of the window.
He could see the reflection of dozens of mares crowding his front stoop, yelling and shoving each other.
"What's wrong with this town?" he asked himself. "If Princess Twilight cast a want-it-need-it spell again, I'm going to sue her feathers off, and it'll be my castle."
He angled the mirror back and forth. Roseluck, Daisy, Derpy. Amethyst Star. Lemon Drops. Cloud Chaser but not Flitter.
Well, Thunderlane knew Flitter was gay, so no surprise there.
Aloe and Lotus Blossom. Rarity was struggling toward his door, through the crowd, with Rainbow Dash trying to hold her back.
Cherilee. Nurse Redheart. Dr. Fauna.
Up on the surrounding roofs: Blossomforth. Sunshower. Even freaking Lightning Dust!
Thunderlane just rested on the floor for a minute. He was too dizzy to stand up. What was wrong with these ponies! Who, seriously, who had suggested holding a "hottest stallion" poll? What idiot had nominated him?
The distinctive crack! of a teleport sounded. Uh-oh. Princess Twilight? Starlight Glimmer? Those were the only two in all of Ponyville with that sort of magic.
He angled the mirror, trying to see.
The crowd was parting, dropping into silence, ponies at the edge of the crowd running away, as a tall midnight-blue alicorn walked up to Thunderlane's front door.
The entire house shook as Princess Luna blew the door off its hinges with a spell.
"Thunderlane! Come downstairs. Your Princess commands it."
Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.
Thunderlane flipped onto his hooves and, knees shaking, headed downstairs.
He genuflected as he entered his foyer. "Good morning, your highness. May I offer you coffee?"
"Indeed, yes, my noble stallion."
They moved to the kitchen and sat at the table.
He poured coffee for Luna.
She levitated up the mug and sipped. "Thankee-sai."
"You honor my house with your presence, highness."
She levitated up the newspaper. "Thou are the hottest stallion in Our realm. Congratulations."
"I don't think the newspaper got it right, ma'am."
Luna quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? Art thou modest? Or delusional? We quote from the newspaper: 'His mountainous muscles flow underneath the skin-tight Wonderbolts uniform with the power of glaciers crushing everything in their path.'"
Thunderlane's head got very light and he laid his face gently down on the table.
"Do your muscles not have the hardness of mountains and the power of glaciers?"
"I'm just an ordinary stallion, your highness."
"No. Thou art acclaimed the hottest in Our realm."
Thunderlane lifted up his head and then applied his face to the table again, rather more firmly this time.
Thunderlane muttered, "Ma'am? Why are you here? Just because of the newspaper?"
"Aye. I am in estrus. Thou shalt impregnate me. Let us adjourn to your bedchamber forthwith."
"What?????" screamed Thunderlane.
"Thou shalt impregnate me. Now."
"I don't want to impregnate you! I don't want to impregnate anypony!"
Luna scrunched up her face and her eyes became wet. "There were so many mares on your front stoop. Am I not... not your preferred? Am I not comely in thine eyes? Am I still... still... Nightmare Moon in thine eyes?" Her lips quivered.
"No! Princess, no! You're beautiful. You're the hottest princess, for sure."
"Not my niece Cadance?"
"She's a close second, but no. Look, princess—you can't just barge into a stallion's house and say 'impregnate me!' Did that even work a thousand years ago? It sure doesn't work today."
"Let me start over. Thunderlane, you shall make love to me."
Thunderlane facehoofed. "No, princess, you can't do that either. For one, it's still rude. For another, you've already said you're fertile, so it's not really not saying 'impregnate me.'"
"Can we start over?"
"No, princess, I don't think we can."
"But... but... Celestia has ordered me to carry on the Royal Line! She waited too long, and no longer ovulates at her age. She commissioned the Canterlot Times to survey the 'hottest stallion' to make my decision easier. I must become pregnant. It is my Duty to Equestria."
Thunderlane sipped coffee and hoped the caffeine would restart his brain.
Luna wiped a tear from her eye. "Would it help if I raised my rump and presented to you? Biologically, I am still most nubile, despite my calendrical age."
"No ma'am! Please don't do that."
"If you do not accept my offer I shall curse you with nightmares from the DEEPEST DEPTHS OF HELL every time you sleep!"
"No! Princess, please, I don't want to make love to you in any way!"
"Could I engage in foreplay with you? Perhaps massage your wings or mouth your—"
"Princess! I'm gay!!!"
Luna's jaw dropped open.
Thunderlane clapped his wings over his mouth.
Luna said, "Thank goodness! I am gay as well, but Celestia still commands me to propagate the Royal Line. I told her that if she would whore me out against my consent, I would only accept the best-looking stallion in the realm. If she fouled up and elected a gay Hottest Stallion, I will be able to tease her mercilessly, and force a several-week delay in her nefarious scheme, while she finds a new victim!"
Luna stood up, trotted over to Thunderlane, gave him a peck on the cheek, said, "Thank you, fair Thunderlane," and teleported out.
After a few minutes, he walked to his living room, grabbed a broom, and began sweeping up the shattered splinters of his front door.